Jamie
This whole cycle is about getting back to the people and a film like Justice League does just that. Not just because it was a multiple nominee at the 2018 Teen/Kids Choice Awards. No, it really should be commemorated more for being part of some of the best/worst crowd driven film content of the last few years. First there was the push to get the Snyder Cut released. This somehow succeeded and we got a much, much longer version of a terrible film that was… I guess a bit better? I never saw it. Then, on the heels of the Snyder Cut the Oscars decided “you know what? We should have a crowdsourced award to show that we are really down with the kids and super rad hepcats. There is nothing in the recent past that would suggest this is a terrible idea.” And this resulted in the funniest IMDb Awards entry in the history of film:
So I guess the question is, “did we stand up and cheer?” Or is that a Snyder Cut exclusive?
To recap, [Spoiler Alert] The Flash never enters the speed force. That’s a Snyder Cut exclusive. So settle into your couch and kick up your feet because you won’t be standing up and cheering anytime soon. Batman is assembling the Justice League. He can tell that things are about to get shitty and Superman is not around to help. He tracks down The Flash, Cyborg, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman and they range from “no thanks, let me dive into the water and swim away” to “I’m a monster and don’t deserve to be in the Justice League” to “Coooooool, I’m young and rad and you’re old man Batman. Cool.” But when Steppenwolf returns to Earth to assemble the [checks notes] Mother Boxes into the [check notes again] Unity and conquer Earth everyone is like “on second thought, maybe we should help out a bit.” Steppenwolf gets all but one Mother Box and they all agree to use the last one to resurrect Superman because it turns out they just aren’t going to cut it. Superman is resurrected but is like “WTF?” and flies away with Lois Lane because he’s having an existential crisis. Meanwhile Steppenwolf snags that last Mother Box and they all head to Russia for a big climactic fight. They try to fight Steppenwolf but are probably going to lose until Superman swoops in and saves the day. Thus the Justice League is born, Earth is at peace, and I’m sure Lex Luthor and some other team of supervillains aren’t just around the corner ready to fuck it all up. THE END.
I feel like the Snyder DC films went in two directions simultaneously. Man of Steel made me sad, but it looked very good. You could see all the work and money on the screen. As the DC universe geared up, though, everything started to get that blurred, video game look of CGI heavy films being churned out at warp speed, even as the purpose of the films became clearer. So Batman v. Superman starts to look like shit and is very confusing, but is more in Snyder’s wheelhouse. It’s got a style that I can at least appreciate and not scoff at. This one is laughably bad looking. I don’t even care about Superman’s weird CGI moustache-less face (OK, fine, I care a little). Nothing looks real at any point. It’s all a video game. But weirdly there is a coherence to the film, despite it being obvious that it was wrenched from Snyder’s hands. No wonder people thought there was a Snyder version that could be better. Even the studio cut felt like it knew what it was better than the other films. Ultimately all of them are bad, but bad in entirely different ways. Is that what people were standing up and cheering about?
Hot Take Clam Bake! Affleck is a good Batman. He’s old man Batman and I dig it. Bring him back for one of the Reeves films and flash back and forth between him and Patterson. Sure his body is like a slab of beef that Sly Stallone should be punching in preparation for a big fight. It’s oddly proportioned in a way that was used for great comedic effect in Air. That’s good. You think someone is working out day and night ready to fight criminals for 30 years and not getting a big ol’ side of beef body out of it? You’re kidding yourself. It’s good. He’s a good Batman. He’s perfectly sad and misproportioned like an old Batman should be. Hot Take Temperature: The steaming tunnels of Gotham’s underground lairs.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Justice League? Well, it might have been better if Justice stays blind, youknowwhatImean? Let’s go!
Lesson learned: remember when everyone was sad because Batman vs Superman had the color palette of a murky swamp? Well guess what? We had Joss Whedon shoot like two scenes in color that looked pretty good actually. (Don’t worry Zach Snyder, we’ll give you $100 million more dollars to shoot a 4 hour version in your preferred color palette: literally black and white).
Lesson learned: remember when everyone was sad because DC was filled with humorless sad sacks moping about because literal superheroes and borderline gods couldn’t stop the world from non-stop terrorist/alien attacks and people were forced to live in what appears to be a war zone called Gotham? Well, good news. We had Joss Whedon write some dialogue for The Flash about brunch … that should about cover that I think.
Lesson learned: remember when everyone was sad because DC just kept on rehashing Batman and Superman and Superman and Batman and there were so many good villains, but they were just like Zod and Lex Luthor again? Good news. We have some blob of CGI we called Steppenwolf, and this person you’ve never heard of Cyborg, and the character everyone made fun of for only having the power to talk to fish. Also the aforementioned Flash whose superpower is being scared to go fast I think.
That was fun. The movie was not. But I’m glad I got to this point in the DC universe finally because they are about to do Aquaman where everyone will squint and go “mayyyyyybe” and then they’ll reel off like 5 box office bombs in a row and end up (somehow) figuring out the only way to make money is to make Indie films only tangentially about Batman (and sometimes about Batman).
There is a bunch of Product Placement (What?) in this, maybe most notably being the unmistakably huge Mercedes-Benz logo on Batman’s wing-door car. Giant MacGuffin (Why?) for the Mother Boxes which literally does like anything you want including resurrecting Superman (Batman is pretty sure about that). This movie is closest to Bad, too long to be entertainingly bad, and it certainly isn’t good.
Read about my version of Batman Beyond in the Quiz. Cheerios,
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