Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

We are Sklogpacking right across Europe and there is literally no other choice for the comedy entry in the cycle than the film for this week. Based on historical evidence this will either be an underrated comedy that he hold close to our hearts… or it will literally be the worst thing we’ve ever seen. That’s right! We’re watching Deuce Bigelow European Gigolo. Obviously watching this critically reviled sequel will involve a bonus viewing of the first film (generally thought to be bad, but at least better than the second film). The sequel took Rob Schneider to beautiful Amsterdam to attempt to figure out who was out killing Male Gigolos across Europe. If it can at least not be a lazy sack of shit then it should come out on top of Strange Wilderness… I’m not holding out hope. Also a reminder that we now have the European up on the website if you want to check it out. Let’s go!

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005) – BMeTric: 74.3



(A goddamned catastrophe, sub-5.0 with 40K votes is incredible. And it just goes there and sticks for the most part. If that rating hadn’t actually moved over the years I would think we were dealing with a BMT legend, but in reality this film is likely just very very terrible.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  Ads for this woefully unfunny sequel show Schneider sitting under a phallic Leaning Tower of Pisa that appears to be protruding from his groin area. This would have been the film’s best joke – except it’s not in the film; nor is any other form of humor. Deuce is sent to Holland to train as a high-end Euro man whore. When he discovers some of his fellow gigolos are being killed, he jumps undercover(s). Can we possibly prevent another sequel? Famous faces appear in cameos, if that matters to you.

(Rough undercover(s) joke there, but, then again, this review was also funnier than this movie. It has been a while since we hit a BOMB from Maltin (especially since we tend to default to for recent films, since Maltin’s book is defunct). It is good to see that we definitely hit the worst Amsterdam has to offer us.)

Trailer –

(Oh wow they used the worst joke in the film (the wine coming out of the tracheotomy) in the trailer and as the closer. That is incredible. Not to tip my hand, but having seen the film … this trailer somehow makes the film look less crass and stupid than it actually is. It is so gross and dumb. Hopefully this trailer dissuaded you from ever watching this pile of garbage.)

Directors – Mike Bigelow – (BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Notes: One and done, one and done. He was a commercial director with quite a bit of acclaim. A tale as old a time, commercial director gets a break, and then doesn’t do any other movies.)

Writers – Harris Goldberg (characters) – (Future BMT: I’ll Be Home for Christmas; Without a Paddle; BMT: The Master of Disguise; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Notes: Was an actor on a show called 30 Dates to a Soul Mate in 2012 which lasted 23 episodes, although it is a little unclear what platform the show was made for.)

Rob Schneider (characters & story & screenplay) – (Future BMT: The Animal; The Hot Chick; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Notes: Has been a writer on both of his recent television shows as well which lasted, together, 24 episodes.)

David Garrett (screenplay) – (Future BMT: Corky Romano; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in 2006; Notes: Is an accomplished trial lawyer who is (was?) Vice-President of development at Intrigue Entertainment.)

Jason Ward (screenplay) – (Future BMT: Corky Romano; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in 2006; Notes: Was a writer on the Fran Drescher television show Living with Fran.)

Actors – Rob Schneider – (Known For: 50 First Dates; Big Daddy; Muppets from Space; Future BMT: Littleman; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; The Animal; Norm of the North; Little Nicky; Knock Off; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; The Hot Chick; InAPPropriate Comedy; Eight Crazy Nights; Sandy Wexler; Surf Ninjas; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Mr. Deeds; You May Not Kiss the Bride; The Adventures of Pinocchio; The Waterboy; Bedtime Stories; Down Periscope; Big Stan; Click; The Longest Yard; Necessary Roughness; Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; The Ridiculous 6; The Beverly Hillbillies; Judge Dredd; The Benchwarmers; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Around the World in 80 Days; Grown Ups; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Demolition Man; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in 2006; Nominee for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Couple for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in 2006; Nominee for Worst Actor in 2007 for Littleman, and The Benchwarmers; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 2000 for Big Daddy; in 2008 for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; and in 2011 for Grown Ups; and Nominee for Worst Actor of the Decade in 2010 for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Grandma’s Boy, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Little Nicky, Littleman, The Animal, The Benchwarmers, and The Hot Chick; Notes: Remember the girl selling girl scout cookies in the first Deuce Bigalow movie? That was his daughter Elle King.)

Eddie Griffin – (Known For: The Last Boy Scout; Undercover Brother; Jason’s Lyric; Brain Donors; The Wendell Baker Story; Future BMT: Date Movie; Coneheads; Scary Movie 3; The Meteor Man; House Party 3; My Baby’s Daddy; American Hero; The New Guy; Double Take; Armageddon; Foolish; The Walking Dead; BMT: Norbit; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Redline; Pinocchio; Notes: There aren’t many reviews out so far (the one I found was quite positive), but he has a new Showtime stand-up special airing soon, which dominates his newsfeed.)

Jeroen Krabbé – (Known For: Ocean’s Twelve; The Fugitive; EverAfter; The Living Daylights; Dangerous Beauty; Immortal Beloved; Scandal; The Prince of Tides; An Ideal Husband; King of the Hill; The Fourth Man; Kafka; Spetters; Soldier of Orange; Crossing Delancey; Farinelli; Turtle Diary; A World Apart; Future BMT: The Punisher; Jumpin’ Jack Flash; Transporter 3; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; No Mercy; Notes: Dutch, he’s been married to his wife for over 50 years!)

Budget/Gross – $22 million / Domestic: $22,400,154 (Worldwide: $45,109,561)

(That is pretty rough. To just make back the reported budget is bad, but to do it at a time when Sandler was just turning out $100 million comedies like it was the easiest thing in the world probably but a nail in the coffin of Schneider’s leading man career.)

#46 for the Comedy – R-Rated Youth genre


(I won’t reiterate what I said in the Deuce Bigalow preview, but here the amusing thing is that Deuce Bigalow came out during the American Pie meteoric rise of the genre. This on the other hand sits right at the point where people were just churning out mostly garbage sequels … so it fits right in naturally.)

#91 for the Comedy – Sequel (Live Action) genre


(Ha, you can almost convince yourself that this movie actually made producers look at each other and say “alright then, I think that about does that, let’s get some original ideas in here so that we can make sequels again in 5 years”. I always note the wave form of these plots whenever a sequel comes up, which is exactly that I think. Hollywood going through periods of making originals, then making their sequels, rinse and repeat.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 9% (9/99): A witless follow-up to the surprise 1999 hit, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo is raunchy, politically incorrect, and not particularly funny.

(Alright … politically incorrect is putting it mildly. Having actually seen this already this is bar-none the most homophobic film you’ll watch anytime soon. They drop the f-word like it is nothing, without a care in the world. It is shocking. Different time and all that, but … if I was in charge of this film I would have pulled as many DVD copies back in to edit some of the shit out and quickly as possible. It just comes across very very poorly.)

Poster – Deuce Bigelow European Gigosklog (D)


(I do not like this poster for a variety of reasons but I think I’m inordinately bothered by the fact that this features the Leaning Tower of Pisa and yet is almost entirely set in Amsterdam… why? It would be like if the first one had the Empire State Building as a stand in for his penis. It doesn’t make sense and is unacceptable. Oh and nothing else is good about it either.)

Tagline(s) – For the women of Europe… The price of love just got a lot cheaper. (C-)

(Too long and not clever, although at least a bit better than the first one. It’s just so old fashioned.)

Keyword(s) – prostitute; Top Ten by BMeTric: 92.3 Date Movie (2006); 87.4 BloodRayne (2005); 77.8 Basic Instinct 2 (2006); 74.3 Wild Wild West (1999); 74.3 Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005); 72.7 Jonah Hex (2010); 66.9 Extreme Movie (2008); 65.3 Baise-moi (2000); 64.7 The Crow: City of Angels (1996); 63.6 The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005);

(Hopefully we never watch Extreme Movie. But this does remind me of one of the goals of the Bad Movie Twins over the coming months: watch more of the bad movies we had seen before we started the Bad Movie Twins Media Empire. They deserve the treatment we decided, so Wild Wild West here we come.)

Notes – Upon learning that the film received 5 Golden Raspberry (‘Razzie’) Award nominations, Rob Schneider himself took out a full page ad in the trades, boasting that the film was nominated for Worst Picture, Worst Actor – Rob Schneider, Worst Remake or Sequel, Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Couple – Rob Schneider and his diaper. Schneider later won the Worst Actor award. (Good for him? If he really wanted to impress though he would have attended and accepted the award in person. People get a ton of props for that every time)

The song that is being whistled throughout the movie is entitled “Something Stupid” (Good to know)

Roger Ebert hated the movie so much that he told Rob Schneider, “Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.” Ebert recounted this incident in his book, “Your Movie Sucks.” Schneider later sent Ebert flowers when Ebert was in the hospital with cancer. Ebert said that he was moved by Schneider’s gesture and that he hoped he’d someday see Schneider in a film he thought was great. (Awww. Kind of heartwarming. Sadly, and I’m really meaning no offense, I don’t think Ebert did ever see him in a film and thought it was great)

Happy Madison moved to Columbia to produce the sequel due to creative differences with Disney. Disney wanted a PG-13 sequel while Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider wanted it to be R-rated like the original. (Hmmm, probably a bad decision on Happy Madison’s part. The first was harmless and kind of charming enough in its own weird way. The second though … woof).

Rob Schneider twisted his ankle while filming the sword fight scene, the footage can be seen in the DVD Making of feature. (I wonder why I don’t get to see this hilarious footage, can’t be hiding those sweet extras from me).

Rachel Stevens, who appears as Louisa, the Dirty Girl, also performs the song heard over the end credits “I Said Never Again (But Here We Are)”. (WOW. I didn’t realize that was a singer, what a strange … cameo I guess you would call that).

Jeroen Krabbé was persuaded to be in the movie by his son, who was a big fan of the original Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999). (Poor choice)

Many of the Dutch extras and bit players in the movie are well-known actors and TV personalities in the Netherlands.

The word “man-whore” and it’s variations (“man-whoring” and “man-whores”) is said 47 times throughout the course of the movie. (Gross!)

The film is included on film critic Roger Ebert’s “Most Hated” list. In his zero-star review of the movie, he called it “aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience”, and as “a movie that [the film’s studio and producers] should be discussing in long, sad conversations with their inner child.” (YUP)


Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor of the Decade (Rob Schneider)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Rob Schneider)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Rob Schneider)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Rob Schneider, David Garrett, Jason Ward)


Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo Preview

We are Sklogpacking right across Europe and there is literally no other choice for the comedy entry in the cycle than the film for this week. Based on historical evidence this will either be an underrated comedy that he hold close to our hearts… or it will literally be the worst thing we’ve ever seen. That’s right! We’re watching Deuce Bigelow European Gigolo. Obviously watching this critically reviled sequel will involve a bonus viewing of the first film (generally thought to be bad, but at least better than the second film). The sequel took Rob Schneider to beautiful Amsterdam to attempt to figure out who was out killing Male Gigolos across Europe. If it can at least not be a lazy sack of shit then it should come out on top of Strange Wilderness… I’m not holding out hope. Also a reminder that we now have the European up on the website if you want to check it out. Let’s go!

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999) – BMeTric: 42.5



(Actually … nothing super interesting here IMO. Inflection at 2011, increasing rating as votes increase, 50K is right around where I expect, and so is the BMeTric. We’ve done it guys, we’ve analyzed bad movie IMDb plots so thoroughly that they are rote.)

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  Professional fish-tank cleaner breaks an expensive tank, and in order to pay for it becomes a gigolo. (Why not?) Potty humor and outlandish situations abound, but Schneider’s character is surprisingly likeable in this silly comedy. Marlo Thomas appears unbilled. Followed by a sequel.

(Oh … we know it was followed by a sequel. This is basically my attitude about the film going into it. It kind of has that Happy Gilmore / Billy Madison vibe to it. Innocuous enough if you can accept the very silly and immature humor. It is not really surprising it would end up with 2.5 stars from Maltin who seems fairly accepting of films just being films even without deeper meaning necessarily.)

Trailer –

(I love how they kind of had to show the gigolo (Antoine) hanging from the ceiling so that the way Deuce destroys the apartment with the same apparatus wouldn’t be confusing. This is also an incredibly long trailer, the entire part in the beginning with the killer Koi is completely useless. But, it also looks harmless enough.)

Directors – Mike Mitchell – (Known For: Trolls; Shrek Forever After; Sky High; The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water; Future BMT: Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked; Surviving Christmas; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Notes: His two brothers launched an animation studio, which is probably why he mostly directs animated features at this point. That studio has gone bankrupt twice, and it doesn’t seem like he worked for them at all.)

Writers – Harris Goldberg (written by) – (Future BMT: I’ll Be Home for Christmas; Without a Paddle; BMT: The Master of Disguise; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Notes: He at one point was the number two ranked tennis player in Canada, and played John McEnroe in the Canada Open.)

Rob Schneider (written by) – (Future BMT: The Animal; The Hot Chick; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Notes: I cannot wait until we complete Rob Schneider’s writing credits. It seems like he started on SNL as a writer and converted to a player when Sandler and the rest of his crew joined in 1990.)

Actors – Rob Schneider – (Known For: 50 First Dates; Big Daddy; Muppets from Space; Future BMT: Littleman; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; The Animal; Norm of the North; Little Nicky; Knock Off; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; The Hot Chick; InAPPropriate Comedy; Eight Crazy Nights; Sandy Wexler; Surf Ninjas; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Mr. Deeds; You May Not Kiss the Bride; The Adventures of Pinocchio; The Waterboy; Bedtime Stories; Down Periscope; Big Stan; Click; The Longest Yard; Necessary Roughness; Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; The Ridiculous 6; The Beverly Hillbillies; Judge Dredd; The Benchwarmers; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Around the World in 80 Days; Grown Ups; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Demolition Man; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in 2006; Nominee for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Couple for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in 2006; Nominee for Worst Actor in 2007 for Littleman, and The Benchwarmers; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 2000 for Big Daddy; in 2008 for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; and in 2011 for Grown Ups; and Nominee for Worst Actor of the Decade in 2010 for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Grandma’s Boy, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Little Nicky, Littleman, The Animal, The Benchwarmers, and The Hot Chick; Notes: SNL alum and frequent collaborator with Happy Madison productions. He is currently on tour with Sandler doing comedy is seems, which is interesting.)

William Forsythe – (Known For: Once Upon a Time in America; The Rock; Dick Tracy; The Devil’s Rejects; Raising Arizona; The Substitute; American Me; Patty Hearst; Cloak & Dagger; City by the Sea; Extreme Prejudice; Hell’s Kitchen; The Waterdance; Lethal Vengeance; Weeds; Palookaville; Future BMT: Freedomland; Virtuosity; Hard Ca$h; Halloween; Out for Justice; Career Opportunities; Blue Streak; The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag; Loosies; Dead Bang; War on the Range; Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead; BMT: Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Firestorm; 88 Minutes; Stone Cold; Notes: By far the best note about him is that he co-starred with two NFL players in his career, Brian Bosworth in Stone Cold and Howie Long in Firestorm … we’ve seen both of those movies!)

Eddie Griffin – (Known For: The Last Boy Scout; Undercover Brother; Jason’s Lyric; Brain Donors; The Wendell Baker Story; Future BMT: Date Movie; The Mod Squad; Coneheads; Scary Movie 3; The Meteor Man; House Party 3; My Baby’s Daddy; American Hero; The New Guy; Double Take; Armageddon; Foolish; The Walking Dead; BMT: Norbit; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; Redline; Pinocchio; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Notes: Enrolled as a biological engineering major at the University of Miami, but dropped out to pursue comedy. Is ranked as a top 100 best stand-up performers in history by Comedy Central.)

Budget/Gross – $17 million / Domestic: $65,538,755 (Worldwide: $92,938,755)

(Not bad. Pretty promising for a non-Sandler Sandler film I would think. I mean, if you are using a second-rate lead you’d kind of expect a second-rate return, and that is more than enough to legitimize the sequel I would think.)

#28 for the Comedy – R-Rated Youth genre


(Always an interesting category, mainly because it is a little confusing that Neighbors is on there but not the sequel … although I think it might be because the second was considered to be less of a frat house theme. Unclear. Anyways, two things, after the 80s boom died down the genre was somewhat relegated to direct-to-DVD. American Pie ushered in a new era, and then even after that Superbad / Knocked Up resulted in a second boom. The genre, I think, is once again relegated to VOD, although given teens still go to the movies a ton, some next-gen filmmaker will hit that feeling of going to high school in the early-2010s at some point. It’ll happen.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 23% (17/75): According to critics, Deuce Bigalow is just too dumb and filled with old, tired gags.

(Considering this is Rotten Tomatoes perhaps the “According to critics” part is a bit redundant. Like … who else would it be according to? This consensus could be made about 80% of the Happy Madison productions.)

Poster – Deuce Gigosklog (A-)


(I think this is a very clever poster. Artistically presents the entire premise of the film… ignoring the fact that the premise is incredibly thin. Some interesting font would have pushed to this A+ maybe.)

Tagline(s) – He’s not very good looking. But when the lights go out…he’s still not very good looking. (D+)

(This is a very long joke and probably not well used as a tagline. Gotta do better with a comedy film.)

Keyword(s) – male objectification; Top Ten by BMeTric: 90.3 Fifty Shades of Grey (2015); 88.7 Vampires Suck (2010); 87.2 Crossroads (I) (2002); 81.0 Sex and the City 2 (2010); 77.0 Fifty Shades Darker (2017); 75.4 Fifty Shades of Black (2016); 74.3 Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005); 73.7 Psycho (1998); 73.3 Zoolander 2 (2016); 72.2 Going Overboard (1989);

(We are coming for you Crossroads. Although I don’t really recall that film being particularly objectifying of men. At least … not in the same way as Deuce Bigalow is. Hmmm … this is making me explore my biases and I’m growing as a person. Thanks Deuce Bigalow: Make Gigolo.)

Notes – Rob Schneider’s mother Pilar Schneider appears in the film as the woman he mistakes for his date in the Japanese restaurant. (Yeah, I think Rob Schneider is half Asian, which is a kind of ludicrous explanation for why he played an offensive stereotype in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry).

In the scene where Deuce is walking with the tall woman and the phrase “freak” is shouted, the speaker of that line is actually Adam Sandler. Other than being a producer, it’s his only “credit” in the film. (Ugh)

The person who played the cookie girl was Rob Schneider’s daughter, Elle King. She would later go on to perform “Ex’s and Oh’s”, a song that received moderate airplay. At the time she was named Elle Tanner Schneider. (What the fuck, that song is pretty famous: )

Even though Norm MacDonald was not in the official credits, he was given credit in a roundabout way at the end of the movie. A clip was shown of him as a bartender saying that Norm MacDonald only worked one day on the movie.

The exterior of the house that Deuce Bigelow is leaving with the giant woman is the same as the one used on the TV show Charmed (1998). (FUN FACT)

The first movie from Happy Madison Productions.

Although spelled differently, the name “Berguita” (Kate’s roommate) is a Spanish slang word for “little penis”, this being referred several times by William Forsythe’s character

When Deuce first meets Antoine and sees his weapon collection, Deuce says, “I collect Canadian quarters . . . I got about six of them”. After his first “job” when he goes to the bar, his bill totals $11.50. He gives the bartender (an uncredited Norm MacDonald) “Ten, and six quarters”, presumably his Canadian quarter collection and the total take from his first “job”. (Yeah I did notice this, but also expected Norm to say that those were Canadian and wouldn’t be accepted).

The game that Deuce and Ruth are attending was between the Anaheim Angels and Cleveland Indians. (I love this stuff. Mapping out the “facts” about a movie. I but you could pin down an exact-ish date using this, the entire film takes place in a three week span in which the Angles and Indians plays in Anaheim).

The girl in the pet shop was also in Sorority Boys and unknowingly shows her breasts through a wet shirt in that film as well. (Jesus Christ, I’m done)

The Snowman Recap

Harry Hole is a gritty Oslo detective struggling with alcoholism. When a string of murders start, he and his partner suspect it’s the work of a savage serial killer. Can they catch the monster before it’s too late? Find out in… The Snowman.

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

But first, the quiz all you kids are clamoring for … The Snowman! Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

  1. In the film J.K. Simmons (you know … the guy who was like … there doing things) is a businessman pushing for Oslo to obtain hosting rights to what event?
  2. Harry Hole’s ex-girlfriend Rakel is dating a very nice (almost overly nice … hmmmm) doctor named Mathias. What type of medicine does Mathias practice?
  3. Harry Hole is a cop that don’t play by no one’s rules, so naturally he goes rogue to investigate Katerine Bratt’s father’s suicide (murder? Da da da) in Bergen. Along the way he meets Mathias who is attending a conference, what was the subject matter of this conference?
  4. In the beginning of the film, when Harry Hole discovers the little girl hiding in her basement and decides to dunk all over Katerine’s sloppy investigative skills, what animal was the girl wearing the mask of?
  5. What detail connects all of the victims of The Snowman Killer, how does he choose the women his is going to kill? You could go into more detail about his M.O., but do you really want to?

I full expect Jamie to have gotten a 100% again (EDIT: he did not, but who can blame him? This movie was a complete mess), although there are some bonus points to be had, particularly in the first question. Back to the 6W’s!


How?! Oh man, Harry Hole is such a mess. Waking up drunk, not going to work, and dealing with a break-up with his ex-girlfriend (as he struggles to continue to be in her son’s life). But he’s obviously the best goddamned police detective Oslo has, so back off! Anyway, he just needs a juicy new case to keep his head straight. Turns out this case is the work of a serial killer that his new partner is already familiar with. While Harry seems to find links between the women murdered and their personal life involving adultery and children out of wedlock, his partner becomes convinced that it’s the work of a prominent businessman in town. As they investigate each murder the killer seems to toy with Harry, sending him notes, setting him up to meet victims before they are murdered, and framing a suspect as The Snowman. This culminates in the murder of his partner by The Snowman as she attempts to further investigate the businessman. When Harry finally gets too close to the murderer it is revealed that he is his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. He has kidnapped her and her son and taken them to his childhood home. In a final confrontation The Snowman is killed by falling through the ice on a frozen river. Harry wins again just like he always does and always will in the many sequels this wildly successful film will have… jk. This was terribly boring and unsuccessful. THE END.

Why?! Due to the nature of this film this is actually difficult to answer. Harry Hole is solving the crime because he is a detective. Duh. Boring. But the killer seems to be killing women because they have affairs… or is it that they are having children out of wedlock… or is it that they are having children who never know their fathers… or is it that they are having abortions? It’s all a little murky because the killer’s MO seems to change depending on his mood. Oh yeah and he also kills random people to try to cover his tracks… whatever. It all stems from his childhood in which he was the product of a violent affair that resulted in the suicide of his mother.

What?! No major product placement or plot devices so I’ll use this space to talk about the adaptation from the book, which I read years ago. I commend them on the changes they made to fit the story to a cinematic release. It’s pretty common now to take a story with a built in fan base and adapt it straight. They certainly didn’t do that here. At the same time almost all the changes made were for the worse or at least more confusing… that’s all I got.

Who?! There is a very special thanks to Truls Kontny, head of the Film Commission Norway, for obvious reasons. I’d rather reiterate the weirdness of Val Kilmer in this film. It’s understandable but still shocking that not more was made of his involvement in the film. He obviously has been significantly impacted physically from his illness and it was at times hard to watch him struggle through his scenes. Hate to say they should have recast his part but… yes, they probably should have.

Where?! Norway, duh, they gave a special thanks to Truls Kontny after all. If they had kept the book’s ending of Harry hanging off the iconic ski jump that overlooks Oslo then this would get an A… as it is it is just heavily set in Oslo but able to be set elsewhere. Like, if this film was made 20 years ago it would have been set in Alaska and starred Sly Stallone who wouldn’t have been an alcoholic but rather addicted to health and fitness. B+.

When?! Harry buys concert tickets as a birthday present for Friday, November 21st. We see him go to the concert so all the events of the film occur on or around that day. Weird thing is that you have to jump to 2020 or go back to 2014/2008/etc. to get a November 21st on a Friday. I guess I would think maybe this took place in 2008 or before since the book was set in 2004 and written in 2007… or they didn’t really care much. B+.

The murkiness of the motivations is part of the mess that is this film. Not only does it sometimes seem like parts of the film are missing, but it also seems to mix and match it with portions of the book. This messes with the internal logic of the film because while we see some motivation of the killer derived from childhood trauma (slightly different than in the book), the rest of the murders aren’t changed significantly enough to match the new motivation. Problematic. It’s actually startling that this film was released in this state. Should have thought about reshoots maybe. It did no one any favors and seems to have harmed the reputation of a young director in the process. And I didn’t even mention Val Kilmer. Egad. Patrick?


‘Ello everyone! When I am shaken awake by a terrible dream, sweating in the cold moonlight, staring out into the clear London night, I tremble, my mind running a thousand miles per hour over the anxieties to come upon morning. My heartbeat slowing, I whisper to myself “At least I’m not the person who had to edit The Snowman” and fall soundlessly asleep. Let’s get into it.

The Good (Sklognalysis) – I like Fassbender and many of the side actors in the film. The vistas are beautiful, what more could you ask for? Well … we’ll get to that. But if this movie was a screensaver it would be just magnifique. Unfortunately it’s actual intention is to entertain, sooooo … A tiny Sklognalysis to end it. The rumors surrounding this movie are basically that the production started before the director even got on board, they couldn’t afford to film in Norway as long as necessary, and thus only about 85% of the script was actually filmed. This is what I would call an uneditable film. The material wasn’t there to fashion a story out of the pieces, it is an editor’s nightmare. Given the condition of Val Kilmer (his voice still recovering from throat cancer and thus totally dubbed) it is pretty obvious they were not allowed to reshoot … it is just bonkers. Just, absolutely incredible stuff. Once the Bad Movie Twins Media Empire is launched we’ll get to the bottom of these mysteries.

The Bad (Sklogcabulary Quiz) – Val Kilmer is completely dubbed in this film and barely appears in it. I needed to come up with a catchy description of what this kind of represented and settled on:

Star Poser (n.) – An actor hired to bring star power to a film who instead, ironically, ends up being the weakest part.

Val Kilmer, in this film, is a Star Poser. It is no slight to Val Kilmer, but someone had to tell him he just couldn’t do it. His voice is shot and the voiceover is just … you couldn’t find a voice actor who could kind of sound like him? It is just weird. I’ve covered it several times, but the film is just put together very very poorly. They must have just had nothing to work with because the result is kind of indescribably bad.

The BMT (Legacy / – The legacy I think is that this is kind of a rare example of a film I watched juuust after the Razzie awards were given where I thought “huh, kind of surprising this didn’t get a nod”. Most of the time we hit the big targets, so it is pretty surprising we hit something just a little too late to put it in our current year worst at the Smaddies Baddies. And street cred? Woof. Fourth worst at both AV Club and Variety. What more could we ask for really?

I did not read the book this was based on, but I can say with assurance this was very very Norway. Continue to check out the evolving Map Streets Map Alright! as we add more European countries Sklog-packing across Europe.

Quiz Answers

The answers to the quiz this week were: (1) The XV Winter Sports World Cup. I will accept just the Winter Sports World Cup obviously, I’m not a lunatic. (2) I’m not exactly sure where he got the time to go to medical school given all the killing he’s been doing (spoiler alert? Why are you reading this if you care about spoilers?), but he is a plastic surgeon, which is what makes … (3) The fact that he is going to a hormone treatment conference all the more suspicious (hmmm, wasn’t the killer obsessed with fertility … more on that in a second). (4) She is wearing the mask of a donkey. I can’t help but like Michael Fassbender and he does an absolutely great donkey impression, Oscar for Best Sound Mixing right there IMO. (5) They all have or were going to have children to unknown fathers. Although weirdly he did know his father was a cop, that is, presumably why he toys with them … this movie was pretty sloppy guys, unpopular opinion alert.


The Sklogs

The Snowman Preview

Big week for us at BMTHQ as we transition from the adaptation cycle into the second cycle of the year which introduces a new game to BMT. That game is an extension to the wildly popular and is basically the International It gets the Backstreet Boys inspired nickname of the Mapstreet’s Map, Alright! This whole venture will start with a focus on Europe with the Sklogs’ backpacking adventure. So we’ll attempt to hit nine films with different European settings and require that each must either be the first film we’ve watched from a particular country OR it must have a higher BMeTric score than whatever currently holds the spot on the map. Obviously the transition must be an adaptation of a book that also takes place in such a European country. And you know what that means. That’s right! We’re watching last year’s The Snowman. Based on the Jo Nesbø novel about an Oslo police officer, Harry Hole, they decided to keep the original setting (all the better for us) of Norway. It’s the first film we’ve watched for BMT that is set in Norway, so easy entry on the map, and I’ve already read the book. So basically NBD from the start. Let’s go!

The Snowman (2017) – BMeTric: 58.2



(This is basically by definition people voting on IMDb before they saw the film. This ain’t people going to film festivals and being like “hmmm, indeed, what a coherent and affecting crime thriller, I was thoroughly enthralled throughout. Sure to be a box office sensation”. Because 8.0 is hilarious. Who are these … what? Fassbender-heads? What world are we living in where people / robots do this kind of shit?) – 1.5 stars –  In the year 2075, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, and they start writing histories of 21st century cinema, “The Snowman” will make a very excellent case study. Perhaps by that time sufficient evidence will have been gathered to explain just why a movie assembled by a group of mostly first-rate talents wound up such a soggy, slushy mess.

(Oh snap. I held off from the rest of the review because as much as they tried to avoid it the review started to get mighty close to some spoilers. And honestly, with a soggy slushy mess such as this what things to you have to look forward to beyond the obvious misdirection the filmmakers will inevitably throw at you?)

Trailer –

(Hmmm, actually pretty intense. Considering the film is supposed to be rather boring I can’t help but think this is a ruse to get me to watch the film … worked. I even was rather intrigued when the trailer debuted and shocked by just how back the reviews were.)

Directors – Tomas Alfredson – (Known For: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy; Let the Right One In; BMT: The Snowman; Notes: Brother of Daniel Alfredson who directed two of the The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo films. From Sweden.)

Writers – Peter Straughan (screenplay by) – (Known For: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy; The Men Who Stare at Goats; Frank; The Debt; Mrs. Ratcliffe’s Revolution; Sixty Six; Future BMT: Our Brand Is Crisis; How to Lose Friends & Alienate People; BMT: The Snowman; Notes: Possibly involved as a frequent collaborator with Alfredson (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy). He was nominated for an Oscar along with his lote wife Bridget O’Connor for that film.)

Hossein Amini (screenplay by) – (Known For: Drive; Snow White and the Huntsman; Our Kind of Traitor; The Two Faces of January; Killshot; The Four Feathers; The Wings of the Dove; Jude; Future BMT: 47 Ronin; Shanghai; BMT: The Snowman; Notes: Iranian-British, born to an Iranian diplomat he attended boarding school in Britain and eventually went to Oxford University.)

Søren Sveistrup (screenplay by) – (BMT: The Snowman; Notes: Was the head writer on the original Dutch television show The Killing.)

Jo Nesbø (based on the novel by) – (Known For: Hodejegerne; BMT: The Snowman; Notes: He’s written a number of novels (mainly involving the detective Harry Hole), but also wrote a television series, Occupied. It involves Russia occupying Norway because Norway, citing the environment, tries to stop all oil extraction in the North Sea.)

Actors – Michael Fassbender – (Known For: Inglourious Basterds; Alien: Covenant; X-Men: Apocalypse; 12 Years a Slave; Prometheus; X: First Class; 300; X-Men: Days of Future Past; The Light Between Oceans; Shame; Song to Song; Steve Jobs; Macbeth; Jane Eyre; Eden Lake; A Dangerous Method; Frank; Centurion; Hunger; Haywire; Future BMT: The Counsellor; Assassin’s Creed; BMT: Jonah Hex; The Snowman; Notes: German-Irish he resides in London. He now has a production company called Peanut Productions.)

Rebecca Ferguson – (Known For: The Greatest Showman; The Girl on the Train; Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation; Life; Hercules; Florence Foster Jenkins; Future BMT: Despite the Falling Snow; BMT: The Snowman; Notes: Swedish-British, she speaks both languages. She came into the business through modelling.)

Charlotte Gainsbourg – (Known For: Nymphomaniac: Vol. I; Antichrist; 21 Grams; I’m Not There.; I Think We’re Alone Now; Norman: The Moderate Rise and Tragic Fall of a New York Fixer; The Science of Sleep; Jane Eyre; Les fantômes d’Ismaël; The Cement Garden; Samba; 3 coeurs; The Tree; Ils se marièrent et eurent beaucoup d’enfants; La petite voleuse; Incompresa; Nuovomondo; Prête-moi ta main; Ma femme est une actrice; Kung-fu master!; Future BMT: Every Thing Will Be Fine; Confession of a Child of the Century; BMT: Independence Day: Resurgence; The Snowman; Notes: Her father is Serge Gainsbourg, a kind of jack-of-all-trades in the music and art business, notable for producing popular music in a multitude of genres. Her start in the business was somewhat controversial, appearing in a movie where she plays a young girl molested by her father … her actual father directed and starred in this film as the father. So … yup.)

Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $6,700,035 (Worldwide: $43,084,060)

(I would call that a complete disaster. We certainly won’t see another Harry Hole film for a bit. A bit like Cross, which has kind of killed prospects for more Alex Cross adaptations, although I hope that isn’t the case. Despite being … problematic (Alex Cross is written by a very white person, and the protagonist is very much attempting to represent a certain set of black virtues, I’ll leave it at that), I do think a reboot of Alex Cross could touch on some very interesting subjects in the current cultural climate.)

#43 for the Thriller – Serial Killer genre


(Huh, the genre is all but dead. I actually think this is a two-fold problem. First, with true crime podcasts booming and things like Mindhunters (and Dexter and Hannibal before it) on television the market for serial killers is saturated. Second, will the history of serial killers in film, books, and across all media, there is very little of interest to show in a single 2 hour film. So the thriller has looked elsewhere for their thrills. And honestly … given the reviews it does look like maybe a little 6 episode BBC series would have at least made Harry Hole’s debut a but more coherent.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 7% (12/162): A mystery that feels as mashed together and perishable as its title, The Snowman squanders its bestselling source material as well as a top-notch ensemble cast.

(That isn’t very illumination. So like … boring? Maybe a Review Highlight will help: “The Snowman” is ugly and nasty, but that’s not the worst of it. The worst is that it’s boring and makes no sense. – Mick LaSalle, The San Francisco Chronicle … nope, it sounds like it is mostly boring.)

Poster – The Sklogman (B-)


(They really missed on this one. Good font and spacing. It’s just… too much white. If you insist on having a white poster you better be more artistic and can’t spoil it like they did here.)

Tagline(s) – Soon the first snow will fall, and the hunt for a killer begins. (D)

(What year is this tagline from? Jesus. Can you make it any longer? I fell asleep halfway through reading it. Not clever, too long, and too explicit with the plot.)

Keyword(s) – snowman; Top Ten by BMeTric: 58.4 The Snowman (2017); 52.9 Christmas with the Kranks (2004); 51.7 Jack Frost (1998); 51.6 Dorm Daze (2003); 49.3 Snow Day (2000); 43.5 Fred Claus (2007); 35.3 Christmas with the Coopers (2015); 32.9 Mr. Popper’s Penguins (2011); 31.6 Sint (2010); 29.1 Every Thing Will Be Fine (2015);

(Wow, we really don’t like Christmas movie huh? In reality the issue is that for the past three years we’ve done the year recap cycle to try and get as many of the established worst-of of the year off the docket. And it kind of spoils any possibility of doing a Christmas film … we end up having to do it offseason which is a little weird/)

Notes – Martin Scorsese was originally attached to direct this movie. He remained on board as executive producer.

The film is NOT a remake of The Snowman (1982). It’s based on the 2007 novel Snømannen (The Snowman), the seventh book in Norwegian crime-writer Jo Nesbø’s Harry Hole series. (hahahahaha. Obviously)

Michael Fassbender started shooting this movie only two days after wrapping on Assassin’s Creed (2016).

Tomas Alfredson has said that production was too rushed. He came on board late, and reckons that up to 15% of the screenplay was never filmed. Location filming in Norway was shortened so production could move to London, which compromised the story. (Ah yeah, that sounds like a disaster)

Part of the film was shot at The Schrøder Restaurant in Oslo, where Harry Hole is regular guest in Jo Nesbø’s books. Also, according to the book, Harry’s home is at Sofies gate 5, a few minutes walk from Schrøder. (S-s-s-s-s-s-s-ettings)

The Snowman (2017) and Downsizing (2017) were the first two international features shot in Norway to receive funding from the new state incentive program to attract foreign film and TV productions. Togther, the two films spent $24 million in Norway during their Norwegian location shoots. [2016] (And bother were a box office disaster I think)

Jo Nesbø has a cameo in the movie.

All of Val Kilmer’s lines are dubbed throughout the film. According to a Reddit AMA in May 2017, Kilmer disclosed that he had “a healing of cancer,” and his tongue “was still swollen although healing all the time.” (Yeah … )

Although mostly shot in Norway, great care was taken to remove any Norwegian language from the movie. No Norwegian is spoken and anything normally written in Norwegian is changed. This includes newspaper headlines and destinations on public transportation. Norwegian police cars normally have “politi” written on them (meaning “police”) but this was simply removed. (That is very strange as well. I guess, what? They wanted to be able to do reshoots in London or something?)

In the source novel, the police discuss several Swedish serial killers, including Thomas Quick (a.k.a. Sture Bergwall). However, Quick/Bergwall was eventually acquitted of the alleged murders. Brother Sten-Owe Bergwall and lawyer Pelle Svensson wrote books criticizing the Swedish authorities’ handling of the cases.

Apparently, Michael Fassbender bought drinks for the whole crew after a long day of shooting. The next day, rigging electrician Karl Andre Bru walked up to Fassbender and said jokingly, “Thanks for the hangover, man!” Rumor has it Fassbender cracked up and was unable to keep a straight face for the rest of the day. (NOPE! There is no way Fassbender heard that cheesy joke and was like “holy shit, that’s the funniest shit. It is so funny it is ruining my day, that’s how funny it is.” It is just impossible)

The ringtone of Rakel’s phone is cover of Edvard Grieg’s piece “In the Hall of the Mountain King”.

Leading up to the release of the movie, Norwegian newspaper Verdens Gang released a series of mock articles in collaboration with Universal, intended to show how the newspaper would normally cover a case like the one depicted in the movie. They included articles about the murder weapon, Harry Hole himself, and grisly details of the antagonist’s murder spree.

The snowmen in the film are made by Norwegian kids in a small town, in collaboration with DesignIce from Trøgstad.

This is the second collaboration between Tomas Alfredson, David Dencik, and Toby Jones. The first was Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011). That film had Michael Fassbender as part of the original cast, in the role of Ricki Tarr, but he had to turn it down because of another project.

The film received a “D” CinemaScore. (Which is terrible, but not surprising considering the reviews. A thriller getting such bad reviews is pretty abnormal, mainly because I think you just release straight to VOD normally. I wonder if they had some deal with Norway which required the release)

Rebecca Ferguson shot this film before the press junket for Despite the Falling Snow (2016). In one interview, she talked about just shooting the other film while growing out her bangs (fringe) from this film.

The song “Popcorn” by the group Hot Buttered is playing every time the killer is at another murder scene. Either before a murder or during the setup. (So many music notes)

(Considering the terrible reviews it is somewhat odd that not only was this film not nominated for a Razzie, it wasn’t even pre-nominated if I recall. I would think at least the director would have had a shot.)

The Country Bears Recap

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

For all those Country Bear-heads out there, you know what time it is … Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

  1. In one of the more dire sequences in the film, the band discovers that Ted Bedderhead is working as a wedding singer living in an apartment above who’s garage?
  2. When Ted Bedderhead declares that he won’t play in the concert a distraught Beary quotes: “The people who love you no matter what, that’s your family” causing him to run home as fast as his little bear legs can carry him. Who said this quote to Beary?
  3. In an opening sequence including the only example of wire-fu in The Country Bears, it is indicated that Fred Bedderhead, the band’s harmonica player, inventing what?
  4. At the beginning of the film we see Beary watching a recording of a musical documentary about The Country Bears in which they recount the band’s farewell tour amid musicians besmirching their good names for cameo money. What was the name of that tour?
  5. Not counting Beary Barrington (or Roadie, played by M. C. Gainey, the band’s human drummer) how many bears play in The Country Bears band? Straight up … think about the fact that I got this question wrong and how fundamental this fact is to the entire film I had literally just watched … think about it.

As usual, answers will be at the end of Patrick’s section.


Beary feels like he just doesn’t belong and so runs away to find his place in the world with the help of his heroes The Country Bears. Will he be able to get the band back together, save Country Bear Hall, and discover the meaning of life before it’s too late? Find out in… The Country Bears.

How?! Beary Barrington seems just a little different. That’s because he’s a bear and his family are humans. Thinking that he might fit in better elsewhere he runs away to get advice from those he identified most with: The Country Bears. They are of course a band of animatro… I mean, totally real bears who used to be one of the biggest bands in the world. After mauling several civilians to death (one can only presume), Beary arrives at Country Bear Hall to find that it is about to be demolished by the evil Reed Thimple. Oh no! Beary suggests that the band get back together and tots put on a huge concert to earn the necessary funds to save the hall. A series of misadventures and oddly placed dance and music numbers ensue, culminating in the band reuniting, but getting in a big fight and deciding not to play the concert. A distraught Beary realizes that the being a family doesn’t mean you have to look alike, but that it’s the love that’s inside that counts. Awwwww. Rushing back home he is greeted not only by his loving family but also The Country Bears who have been inspired by his courage to play the big concert after all. Double awwww. Just at that moment though the country bear bus (and several members of the band) are kidnapped by Reed Thimple. This lasts approximately five seconds before Beary and his family bust them out, rush over to Country Bear Hall, and put on the big (clearly overpriced) concert to earn the $20000 they needed. THE END.

Why?! Like many kids’ films this is primarily about feeling different but realizing that that’s OK. Beary wants to feel like he belongs somewhere, most importantly with his family. Only once he gets a taste of human flesh (probably) and sees that even a band (which seems so tight knit) might have their problems does he realize that fitting in is more about love than looks. Everyone else just wants to get paid and laid. They are a world famous band after all. The Country Bears hooking up with groupies is probably on the extended DVD.

What?! Is this a product placement for itself? Like was this not supposed to get people all jazzed about the Country Bear Jamboree and want to see them up close and personal? If this was a major blockbuster a la Pirate of the Caribbean would we have Country Bear World instead of Harry Potter World? Also funny reading up on the attraction and realizing there are literally like a thousand bears in the show. We really only got the… bear minimum (AY-OH).

Who?! Big Al is like a Planchet, but awesome and everyone loves him. He talks real slow, loves his grass, and puts one over on those that mean to do harm to The Country Bears. Love you, Big Al. More importantly there are like a trillion musician cameos in this film. The most prominent of those are Jennifer Paige and Krystal, who both get solo songs to sing (and were apparently never heard from again). Elton John, Willie Nelson, Don Henley, etc. etc. etc. all appear as themselves in a Making the Music type documentary shown at the beginning and end of the film.

Where?! Tennessee, baby! It’s pretty obviously TN, but I had trouble proving it for most of the movie. Luckily there was a close-up of a license plate and some police officer uniforms that confirmed it. C+.

When?! My best guess here is September 2001. This is based on a table calendar on a desk in an office store (so not an exact science). For obvious reasons I would expect that the events of the film took place in the beginning of the month… unless 9/11 didn’t happen in the human-bear world that the film took place in… which is real weird to think about. C+.

I was actually a little surprised how much I didn’t mind this film while at the same time realizing that it is bonkers insane. The entire film takes place in a world where humans and talking bears coexist and everyone just understands and accepts this. Bears are just sprinkled here and there throughout the world. If this weren’t a kids’ film I would say there might have been some allegory to race in America, but no… right?… wait… right? Once you get past that it’s pretty much a harmless kids’ film with some pretty elaborate song and dance numbers performed by C-list musicians. Real weird but not totally bad. Patrick?


‘Ello everyone! Sometimes, when you feel like you just don’t belong, there is only one thing to do … watch a kids movie about how to feel like you belong. Spoiler alert: it turns out you belonged the whole time! Thanks, Country Bears! Let’s go!

The Good (Sklognalysis) – The movie is extremely linear, which makes it pleasant enough at times. Basically Beary Barrington doesn’t feel like he belongs with his human family, so he goes to live with his heros the Country Bears, who he helps to save Country Bear Hall … the end. Literally that is the entire movie. And if you were to make this movie, maybe you could make it better, but at least they can say you couldn’t streamline it any more than they did. They got some decently solid comedic actors to be in this. I wanted to pop a little Sklognalysis here mainly because we here at BMTHQ started to turn around a bit on watching kids’ movies for BMT. This is mainly because of the B-story in these movies, like the hostile corporate takeover in Nine Lives, which are endlessly fascinating, why would a kid want to watch that? Well, here you see a kids film without a B-story at all. It is so linear that they couldn’t even really squeeze in a short section where Mr. Barrington is whistleblowing on his logging company or whatever. Is this good? I think so, it kind of reminds me of Air Bud, where even the B-story (Air Bud’s original owner comes and tries to get Buddy back) is really a part of the A-story, and makes for a more pleasant and clear watching experience. But it certainly makes the movie less fun as well. So kind of a mixed bag. We’ll keep you up to date on our evolving kids’ movie thoughts.

The Bad (Sklog-quel) – The musical acts are not the worst musical acts I’ve seen in a movie. … Er, well … beside one:

My god, is it weird that I’m only mainly concerned about where the guitar player came from? The animatronics are disquietingly creepy (as one reviewer put it). Walken as the bad guy is just weird, and leads to some poor directorial decision making (like the triple take smashing of a model Country Bear Hall:

which is just weird). Diedrich Bader pulls double duty, but his live action performance in particular is very not good. For the Sklog-quel I think I want a remake. Basically, the suggestion that the bears kind of inexplicably just live in the real world (and people seem to think they are indistinguishable from humans?) is very problematic for me. Let’s see a movie where the bears kind of live in the woods in a secret community. Make Tobolowsky the manager in a logging company and Walken his eeeeevil boss who wants nothing more than to destroy the Country Bears home. The concert is more of a coming out party, to make the world aware of the Bears, and the main character is merely Tobolowsky’s (human) son who discovers and decides to help them save their home. I’m just imagining the Ewok Village of a set they would have built for this and am enamored with the idea. Would it suddenly make the movie much better? Maybe, maybe not. But for me it extracts one of the more perplexing choices they decide to make, which is having the Country Bears just kind of … around.

The BMT (Legacy / – The legacy I think is all part of BMT coming home to one of its original genres, the kids’ movie. If kids’ movies continue to grow in popularity with the Bad Movie Twins, then so shall the legacy of trailblazers like The Country Bears. The is also pretty solid. Mentioned in at least a few worst of lists in a year marked by some truly dire options like Ballistic Ecks vs Sever. It is mostly dismissed as a kids movie, but still finds some play here and there.

Now how is it as an adaptation … actually quite good. All things considered what do you do with The Country Bears? You make a big animatronic romp. And given that requirement they dish in spades, I mean … there are a ton of animatronics. I think I give it a B+. If it was actually a good movie you’d be seeing Pirates level of adaptation grades there.

Quiz Answers

(1) Elton John, who they find gardening in a terrible yellow outfit overtly winking at the camera saying “get a load of these guys not knowing who Elton John is!” … it is terrible. (2) His father. Upon saying this he realizes that it doesn’t matter that he’s adopted, and that The Country Bears can never replace the love of his family. Awwwwww. (3) The stage dive. I figured they would show him crushing people underneath his enormous bear weight, but nope, in the documentary he crowd surfs quite effectively. (4) The Hiber-Nation Tour. It was printed on the Country Bears Bus to this day and is shown to the audience at least five time. (5) Five. Ted Bedderhead is the lead singer, Trixie St. Claire plays the piano, Tennessee O’Neal plays a guitar, Fred Bedderhead plays the harmonica, and Zeb Zoober plays the fiddle. Henry Dixon Taylor is the band’s manager and MC, he doesn’t actually play in the band, so half points if you said six, which is what I said … about a movie I had just watched.

Jamie, naturally, got a 100% on the quiz.


The Sklogs

The Country Bears Preview

The obvious follow up to a film as sexy as Fifty Shades Freed is one that is even sexier. That’s right! We’re watching the theme park ride adaptation The Country Bears. You’ll never see anything quite as sexy as the scary animatronic bear monsters of The Country Bears. We’re watching this one for the game portion of the cycle as it appears on our Calendar for the July 26th entry. I don’t think I really have to justify more about this film for BMT… it’s The Country Bears! Let’s go!

The Country Bears (2002) – BMeTric: 47.8



(I’m surprised at how few votes there are (this was released to theaters, right?) and also at how low the rating is (this was almost exclusively viewed by children, correct?). Pretty standard regression to the mean though, so nothing really surprising. Will almost definitely hit 50 at some point this year and hover there for the rest of eternity.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  “Inspired by” a Disneyland attraction, this lazy excuse for a kid film has a young bear (who’s been adopted by a human family) going back to his roots, and helping a legendary music group to stage a reunion and rescue their performance hall. It they spent time on the script and less time setting up cameo performances (Willie Nelson, Bonnie Raitt, Elton John, etc.) it might have been better.

(Why doesn’t that feel like a two star review? He brutalized it. Anyways, I do love cameos, they simple ruin even already terrible films. So bring it on, I’ll count them up with excitement at all of the excellent quiz questions I can make.)

Trailer –

(My god, what have we done? What horror have we found ourselves watching? I thought this was a real film. It seemed like a real film. And yet I watch this trailer and it is like I’m watching a trailer for Air Bud 3. I don’t get it. Was it a real film? Are they gaslighting us? Is Disney like “Oh, this old thing. This was a straight-to-video movie though. You must be misremembering, no company would release this to theaters”. And I’m sitting here like “Yeah, I guess you’re right Disney. I must be mistaken” … but I’m not, this is a real movie they released to theaters and made people spend money on.)

Directors – Peter Hastings – (BMT: The Country Bears; Notes: He is mainly a cartoon writer and story editor, primarily for WB things like Pinky and the Brain and Animaniacs. This was his only directorial gig, likely due to his voice work experience. Performed with the Groundlings in the 80s and has a degree from Berklee College of Music.)

Writers – Mark Perez (written by) – (Known For: Herbie Fully Loaded; Future BMT: Accepted; BMT: The Country Bears; Notes: Writing the upcoming Game Night, which honestly looks like the Man Who Knew Too Little updated with modern comedic actors.)

Actors – Haley Joel Osment – (Known For: Forrest Gump; The Sixth Sense; A.I. Artificial Intelligence; Tusk; Secondhand Lions; Pay It Forward; Sex Ed; Me Him Her; The World Made Straight; Bogus; Sassy Pants; Future BMT: Yoga Hosers; The Jungle Book 2; Mixed Nuts; I’ll Follow You Down; Entourage; BMT: The Country Bears; Notes: As a child star he received an oscar nomination at the age of 11 for his role in The Sixth Sense. Went to Tisch, but his acting since has been mostly indie films and tv guest spots. I’ve heard him on a few podcasts and he seems cool.)

Diedrich Bader – (Known For: EuroTrip; Napoleon Dynamite; Office Space; Ice Age; Bolt; Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back; Surf’s Up; Recess: School’s Out; Dead & Breakfast; Sassy Pants; Calvin Marshall; Future BMT: Meet the Spartans; Vampires Suck; The Starving Games; Balls of Fury; BMT: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous; The Beverly Hillbillies; The Country Bears; Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike; Notes: Ah our old friend. A lot of his recent acting has been voice work including a ton of Batman cartoons. He even played Batman in the Batman / Scooby Doo straight-to-video crossover film.)

Candy Ford – (BMT: The Country Bears; Notes: Likely hired because of her voice work … she’s been in almost nothing otherwise. Had a small part in Curb Your Enthusiasm as Jacket Saleswoman … she’s been in almost nothing.)

Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $16,990,825 (Worldwide: $18,012,097)

(Oh wow, a complete disaster. Who could have guessed the film based on a terrible Disney World ride would do terribly. And don’t even say the words “Pirates of the Caribbean”. You know this is a much different and worse idea than that.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 30% (24/81): Despite all the celebrities on hand, this spin-off from a theme park attraction still feels tired and hokey.

(I honestly can’t even believe it did that well. I guess that is what you can get when you are innocuous enough. The cast is pretty impressive … but so was Marmadukes, so … Reviewer Highlight: By turns numbingly dull-witted and disquietingly creepy. – Marc Savlov, Austin Chronicle)

Poster – The Country Sklogs (A)


(Nice balance. Nice color. And unique font. I honestly can’t think of anything bad to say about it other than that it is a poster for The Country Bears.)

Tagline(s) – They’re legends. Bearly. (C)

(This started as an F as my brain rejected it… but it’s creeping up on me. It’s already climbed up to a C as it tickles something in my brain. Quick! We gotta run before I give this an A.)

Keyword(s) – bear; Top Ten by BMeTric: 76.4 Hercules in New York (1970); 71.8 Furry Vengeance (2010); 70.6 Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001); 70.1 On Deadly Ground (1994); 67.0 Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009); 65.4 Yogi Bear (2010); 65.3 Chernobyl Diaries (2012); 61.2 Norm of the North (2016); 60.4 The Guardians (2017); 57.4 Zombeavers (2014);

(We probably aren’t going to watch Hercules in New York. It isn’t a real movie. Yogi Bear on the other had is definitely in play as is, gulp, Norm of the North if we are feeling particularly bad about our state of mind one week. I’m personally offended that The Great Outdoors didn’t make the list)

Notes – After Tennessee and Trixie’s performance in the bar, a bar patron comments that it was better than Eagles. The patron is Don Henley, who is one of the founding members of the Eagles and who provided the singing voice for Tennessee. The female companion he says it to is Bonnie Raitt, who provided the voice for Trixie. (Ugh)

This is the first Disney film to feature Christopher Walken, who never made another Disney film until The Jungle Book (2016), 14 years later.

Though Haley Joel Osment voices Beary, veteran voice-over actress Elizabeth Daily provided his singing voice.

Disney’s later film, The Muppets (2011) featured a nearly identical plot to this one. (HA)

An outside shot of Country Bear Hall pans up to the night sky to shot a constellation, the Big Dipper aka Ursa Major aka Big Bear.

When Henry gives Beary a tour of Country Bear Hall, he names a few performers who had played there back in the day, including Liver Lips McGrowl. McGrowl is one of the many singing bears featured in the “Country Bear Jamboree” in Walt Disney World, on which the movie was based. (These notes make me sad)

While on the tour bus, Fred shows Beary his harmonica that his dad gave to him. In the “Country Bear Jamboree” show at Walt Disney World that the movie is based off of, it is mentioned in song that Fred picked up his harmonica playing from his father. (Please stop, I can only take so much of this)

Peter Hastings Directorial Debut. (One and done. One and done. One and done)

Awards – Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Christopher Walken)

Fifty Shades Freed Recap

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

We’re going to try something new here where the pop quiz goes up top so none of the answers get spoiled. In this week’s installment of Pop Quiz Hot Shot! watch as I barely contain my utter contempt for this movie, series, and mostly its male protagonist (antagonist?) Christian Grey!

  1. In the opening scene we have the pleasure of seeing a montage of Anastasia and Christian on their honeymoon. Where did they go? We see two cities, but the country will suffice.
  2. Christian, as a surprise, reveals he has bought a house of particular significance for Anastasia and he to share as husband and wife. Where does he say Anastasia has seen the house before?
  3. In Aspen Anastasia surprises Christian amidst a midnight snack. What food is Anastasia eating (eventually off of Christian himself, scandalous!) in this scene?
  4. Anastasia, overwhelmed with the decisions that need to be made running the household, dismisses Christian’s staff for the night and decides to cook dinner herself. What does she prepare?
  5. When Anastasia finds herself pregnant it simply ruins (ruins!) the plans Christian had for her (for them!). When stumbling back into the apartment drunk that evening he reveals the true fear he has at the prospect of becoming a father. What does this disgusting pile of garbage say is the reason he is afraid of having a child with Anastasia?

I don’t expect many people to have seen the movie yet, but let’s just say it was easy peasy to put together this quiz and I fully expect Jamie to get 100% [Editor’s Note: I did]. See Patrick’s section for the answers.


Anastasia and Christian are totes married and ready to settle down except a pesky stalker, a pregnancy, and the inability to be sane keep getting in the way. Can they figure out their marriage and dispose of the stalker before it’s too late? Find out in… Fifty Shades Freed.

How?! We are all jazzed for the wedding of the century. Anastasia and Christian are tying the knot and ready to not share each other with anyone ever again (who needs friends and family? Amirite?). Whisked away to France for a little smooching under the sun the honeymoon is ruined (ruined!) when Christian is informed that Eric, the skeevy ex-boss of Anastasia, has broken into his company and stolen documents. Uh oh! But you know what will pick you up? A little house hunting and doing well at your job that you totally earned through hard work and skill. Let’s do that for like a half hour. Only when Christian leaves for NYC and Anastasia gets attacked by Eric do things really pick up in the film… what’s that? No it doesn’t? Oh right, let’s go on vacation to Aspen for another half hour of the film. Just a little hiking in a luxury locale. Cool, cool, cool, cool. But after that totally dealing with this Debbie Downer Eric character… still not yet? Anastasia’s pregnant and Christian is none too pleased with that. He gets all drunk and sulky because he doesn’t want to share Anastasia with his baby. She’ll love the baby more than she loves him (as is a totally normal thing to worry about). Only as this drama really comes to a head do we find that Eric has kidnapped Christian’s sister Mia. While Anastasia gets the ransom money and attempts to convince Christian that she just needs it because he’s a monster that she has to leave, Christian understands intuitively that something must be up. They (finally) converge on Eric and totally shoot him and everyone is safe and the baby is born and there lives are great and well adjusted because they are normal people, don’t worry about it. THE END.

Why?! A question as old as time: what are the motivations of the characters in the Fifty Shades series. It’s obviously love (although a love I cannot understand). She can’t resist him, he can’t resist her. Everything that is done in the film is done for that love, even Christian’s crazy reasons why he doesn’t want to have a baby. There are a lot of reasons to be apprehensive about having a baby, but him being primarily concerned that he doesn’t want to share Anastasia with a baby is… fucking nuts. As for the antagonist, Eric, he grew up with Christian in foster care and I guess decided that he should have had Christian’s life and it drives him insane?… honestly the whole book/film seemed poorly thought through… which I guess was a good thing for us.

What?! It was hard to pick up on any product placement other than the fact that the film may as well have been called Audis Make Me Horny: The Movie. Allowing Anastasia to drive an Audi is the greatest gift Christian ever gives Anastasia… but that’s not hard because he’s basically a monster the rest of the time.

Who?! It would be the best if there was a Planchet in this films… a fat assistant that they make fun of all day. But alas. I also wish that someone played the President in this. Like Anastasia and Christian roll up to a plane and she’s like “Is this yours?” and Christian is like “No, it’s his.” and points to the President and it’s Air Force One. But instead I can only point out that Rita Ora has appeared in all of these films and is primarily a musician.

Where?! Seattle, baby! They leaned into the setting hard and I applaud it for that. I just which they spent a bit more time in the Space Needle, or on a ferry, or at Seattle Grace Hospital. As it is it could have been set in LA or San Fran without missing a beat. B.

When?! I’m gonna be honest. Since I streamed this film the quality was so low that I could not make out the date in the spots where I would usually find it. For example, cell phone screens were all fuzzy… and all in Spanish. F (for now).

This is straight trash that I couldn’t even bring myself to watch in theaters. I was so terrified by the thought of having to shadily sneak my way in and out like a pervert that I just streamed it on my magical dream machine from the comfort of my home. Is it worse than Fifty Shades Darker? In a lot of ways yes: it’s pretty easily the tamest of the bunch when it comes to being the erotic romance/thriller it hoped to be. I other ways no: Anastasia was a lot stronger in this one and at least something happened with the whole Eric situation. Overall this whole series is pretty much the ideal scenario for BMT. Much like Transformers it was a can’t miss entry. There was literally no way it could get good reviews. Patrick?


‘Ello everyone! Two years ago we were shaded. Last year we went darker. This year we are free. We watched a heart-wrenching documentary on spousal abuse called Fifty Shades Freed. Anastasia, I’ll distract Christian, you destroy your phone and get out of Seattle! We are going to get through this together. Let’s go!

The Good (Sklogcabulary Quiz) – Anastasia Steele as a character shows good growth through the series, and in this she is a fine young woman just looking to fix a broken young man. The soundtrack, as usual, was bumping. The film at the very least pumped up the excitement for the finale. This is a more personal Sklocabulary Quiz this week:

The Full Tril-Oh-Geez (n.) – A trilogy where each film was watched for BMT during its year of release.

Unfortunately the Golden Tril-Oh-Geez has yet to be done. That is where we watch each leg in theaters. We sadly watched the original Fifty Shades of Grey a few months after its release in 2015. Perhaps our destiny is for BMT to end with a Golden Tril-Oh-Geez … well not today! We live to see another Thursday.

The Bad (Sklog-quel) – Christian Grey is as much of an abusive garbage man as he always is. While they pumped up the excitement, the film is basically incomprehensible and the somehow still boring. The sex scenes are the worst part of the film, which is obviously unacceptable. The film will make you say “Whaaaaaaat?” at least three times. The Sklog-quel I would like to see is obviously the prequel concerning the corruption of teenaged Christian Grey by Elena Lincoln. The main reason is that I’m obsessed with the idea of them casting someone to specifically play a young Kimmy B (that’s what we call Kim Basinger). I would also obviously throw $20 million at Dornan just to see if he’d be willing to play a 17-year-old version of himself. He is 35, he can do it, he’s got the range. You know you want it … you know the world wants it.

The BMT (Reviewer Highlight) – Ah the legacy. The legend of Fifty Shades will live on in BMT lore. It comprises an unreasonable number of our Live viewings, and in a way BMT grew up with it. It is also a modern interpretation of the early-90s erotic thriller, which Jamie and I have a strange affection for. The StreetCreditReport will come in bunches, but in time. Let me just leave you with another Reviewer Highlight: Might as well be called “So I Married a Sociopath.” – Katie Walsh, Tribune News Service.

Shockingly we somehow managed to find a film that was both in theaters and an adaptation of a book. Well, I read exactly ten pages of the first book before falling into a weeks long coma. I will not give it an adaptation grade, but I am sure it is an F. Spoiler … I couldn’t bring myself to go to the theater for this one, it was too embarrassing. I watched it by myself because my wife refused to watch it with me. Not only do I not blame her, I’m proud of her.

Quiz Answers

(1) France, and we see at least Paris and Nice; (2) Christian says she pointed it out to him on their sailing trip early in their relationship (a major event of the first film); (3) She is eating ice cream, eventually off of his rock hard abs; (4) A medium rare steak and a goblet of wine, i.e. the Christian Grey food pyramid, which recommends 12 servings of meat and alcohol per day; (5) He fears that she will choose their child over him … because he is a stone cold dick.


The Sklogs