Bad Movie Twins

Thinner Preview

The book is in fact a dramatic,and lightly fictionalized, recounting of Patrick, Jamie and Kyle’s time as judges for People Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Man of the Year Issue. (“Ha! The gosh darn Three Musketeers! You guys picked Guy Fieri. Amazing.”) But it’s steampunk. 1840. Austria. (“So that’s why there is a Frankenstein’s monster! Perfect.”) We have to decide who is the sexiest. Dr. Victor Frankenstein (“Pretty sexy”), Frankenstein’s monster (“Getting warmer”), a wolfman (“Can’t get sexier than that”), or United States President Martin Van Buren (“Oh snap. You got sexier. LL Cool Chops himself.”). As you can imagine there is a lot of political pressure to choose Dr. Victor Frankenstein. So we do the only thing you can do, hold a steampunk gala and see who wins a dance off. (“MVB wins that in a landslide.”) But wait, our brilliant idea is backfiring. People are wondering why we can’t be the Sexiest Men of the Year. It’s a good question, but the problem is our professional dance background. (“Naturally.”) We know if we get on that dance floor we will absolutely embarrass Martin Van Buren. He will literally split his pants trying to out dance us and blow his shot in the 1940 election, which in the steampunk version of history he wins and there is no Civil War. (“Of course.”) Ultimately we choose the only path that can save history: we crown local chef celebrity and host Guy Thaddeus Farrier the winner and even Martin Van Buren is like ‘Yeah, I get it.’ (“I get it, too”). And that’s it.

Dick Computer is beaming. “Just one last thing, how long is it?” Jamie quickly says 400 pages, the perfect length for a book. Mr. Computer thinks for a moment. “Make it thinner and we have a book.” That’s right! We did make it Thinner and are watching the Stephen King adaptation for the week. I’ve been reading a ton of King in the last year and so it was just a matter of course to read this book (even though I unfortunately haven’t typically gotten the privilege to read the media tie-in editions of his other books). Let’s go!

Thinner (1996) – BMeTric: 37.2; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.0%; Notability: top 20.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 18.7%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Bio-Dome, Striptease, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Crow: City of Angels, Ed, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Solo, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, The Glimmer Man, Eddie, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Big Bully, Bordello of Blood, First Kid, Celtic Pride, and 20 more; Higher Notability: Spy Hard, The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Eddie, Dear God, The Associate, Up Close & Personal, Bogus, Chain Reaction, Eye for an Eye, Girl 6, Mulholland Falls, Daylight, Mary Reilly, Joe’s Apartment, Before and After, Surviving Picasso, The Adventures of Pinocchio, Sgt. Bilko, Dunston Checks In, and 31 more; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, Getting Away with Murder, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Ed, Mr. Wrong, Faithful, Spy Hard, Eye for an Eye, Bulletproof, Solo, House Arrest, Curdled, The Glimmer Man, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, Striptease, Down Periscope, and 26 more; Notes: For BMeT we’ve seen 13 of the top 20, which is solid. We are starting to really hit up a lot of the top films from the ‘90s. Amazingly, it seems like this film never played on television in the late-’90s? Seems impossible, but maybe it was just that big of a catastrophe?

New York Times – But as such ventures go, this Halloween handout is more treat than trick, if your tastes run to dripping blood and repellent skin ailments. The production is slick, the Maine scenery is bracing, the characters are well-acted, and in a mumbo-jumbo movie with a few loose ends, the makeup central to the plot and applied by Greg Cannom and Bob Laden to Robert John Burke in the leading role is most admirable.

(I genuinely do not agree. The film is fun in its own way. But the main character (and all the actors really) are quite bad and it looks bad too. But to each their own.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jN4NcET1R-k/

(The tone is all over the place!! Hilarious, the music. It is insane. The new shape of terror *shot of an old man cackling” lol. This looks like garbage. So funny. I love this trailer, given what the movie actually is, this is ridiculous.)

Directors – Tom Holland – ( Known For: Child’s Play; Fright Night; Rock, Paper, Scissors; Future BMT: Fatal Beauty; The Temp; BMT: Thinner; Notes: A horror director almost exclusively, except for Fatal Beauty is kind of a cop drama? Seems nuts, has Whoopi Goldberg and for some reason I thought it was based on a book, but I don’t think so.)

Writers – Stephen King – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Shining; It; Stand by Me; The Mist; It: Chapter Two; 1408; Misery; Doctor Sleep; Carrie; Secret Window; The Running Man; Carrie; Gerald’s Game; Pet Sematary; Pet Sematary; Christine; The Long Walk; The Monkey; Future BMT: Creepshow 2; Needful Things; The Mangler; Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice; BMT: The Dark Tower; Dreamcatcher; Children of the Corn; The Lawnmower Man; Maximum Overdrive; Firestarter; Thinner; Sleepwalkers; Firestarter; The Rage: Carrie 2; Graveyard Shift; Notes: Only four to go! That would be amazing. To be able to say that I’ve seen all of the bad Stephen King adaptations. I’ve maybe seen 20 films based on Stephen King books which is crazy.)

Michael McDowell – ( Known For: Beetlejuice; The Nightmare Before Christmas; Beetlejuice Beetlejuice; Tales from the Darkside: The Movie; Cold Moon; BMT: Thinner; Notes: Did this kill his career? He legit has some incredible films / adaptations here, and then after Thinner it just is nothing but “based on characters by”.)

Tom Holland – ( Known For: Child’s Play; Fright Night; Fright Night; Psycho II; Fright Night Part 2; Class of 1984; Cloak & Dagger; The Beast Within; Scream for Help; BMT: Thinner; Notes: Wall to wall horror film. I do love when horror people are just horror people, you know? Helped define an era of horror.)

Actors – Robert John Burke – ( Known For: Limitless; Black Panther: Wakanda Forever; BlacKkKlansman; Munich; 2 Guns; Tombstone; Safe; Cop Land; Good Night, and Good Luck.; Confessions of a Dangerous Mind; True Story; Brooklyn’s Finest; Boston Strangler; Speak; Intrusion; Heaven & Earth; Connie and Carla; The Unbelievable Truth; The Oh in Ohio; Dust Devil; Future BMT: Hide and Seek; Miracle at St. Anna; The Ex; Fled; If Lucy Fell; BMT: RoboCop 3; Thinner; Notes: I was like, where do I know this guy from. He’s played the IA asshole in SVU 30 times, and I watched an inordinate number of SVU episodes over the years. I was so confused, I thought the main guy was Jeffery Combs. Nope. Crazy, the make up in this film makes him look totally different in my opinion.)

Joe Mantegna – ( Known For: The Godfather Part III; The Simpsons Movie; Three Amigos!; The Money Pit; Searching for Bobby Fischer; Bugsy; Celebrity; House of Games; Redbelt; Alice; Forget Paris; Edmond; Suspect; Albino Alligator; Homicide; Nine Lives; Liberty Heights; Elvis and Anabelle; Things Change; Critical Condition; Future BMT: Cars 2; Baby’s Day Out; Airheads; Eye for an Eye; Up Close & Personal; Witless Protection; BMT: Valentine’s Day; Thinner; Body of Evidence; Notes: Hell yeah. Nominated for three Emmy for The Rat Pack, The Last Dawn, and The Starter Wife, all in the miniseries category. Took over the lead in Criminal Minds and then was ultimately in over 300 episodes of that.)

Lucinda Jenney – ( Known For: Rain Man; Remember the Titans; Thelma & Louise; S.W.A.T.; Leaving Las Vegas; Born on the Fourth of July; What Dreams May Come; G.I. Jane; The Mothman Prophecies; Thirteen Days; Peggy Sue Got Married; Crazy/Beautiful; The Deep End of the Ocean; 3 from Hell; Matinee; Mr. Jones; Grace of My Heart; American Heart; How to Kill Your Neighbor’s Dog; Crime + Punishment in Suburbia; Future BMT: Practical Magic; Mad City; The Final Season; Wired; BMT: Thinner; Notes: She’s been working very steadily since the 90s, but I’m going to be honest. I really don’t remember her in anything. I’ve seen so many of her movies!)

Budget/Gross – $8-17 million / Domestic: $15,315,484 (Worldwide: $15,315,484)

(I kind of figured. The weird thing is I don’t think the film is such a bomb that it would be effectively worthless for television. So I don’t get it. It isn’t very violent, you can cut out some of the racier things. So why did this movie never play on television? I guess my last idea is that the poster/VHS cover is so enticing that the home video sales were gangbusters and so they didn’t want to risk that? Doesn’t make much sense. Oh … I wonder if King specifically didn’t allow it to play on television. That could make sense.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 19% (5/26): A bland, weightless horror film that seems to want to mock itself as the proceedings drag on.

(Weightless. Get it? I don’t think it is mocking itself. It just runs like a TV movie and that just comes across as not taking itself seriously. I’m willing to bet it is taking itself deathly serious.)

Reviewer Highlight: Reduced to some raw-boned ideas, the film version of “Stephen King’s Thinner” is horror lite. This is a meat and potatoes genre outing rich on starch but short in providing the basic requirements for nutritional scare fare. It’s one of the more pedestrian translations of the shockmeister’s books, and is headed for the video remainders pile after a brief, lackluster theatrical run. – Leonard Klady, Variety

Poster – Thinner Thinner Chicken Dinner

(I mean… this is horrible right. As bad as a poster can be that tries to do something with the font and has a bold purple color scheme. It looks like something you’d see today for some Tubi original film. No offense. I love Tubi. But this is bad. Still, they tried kinda, so I’ll be nice. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Let The Curse Fit The Crime. (A)

(Hmmm, you know this is actually good even if it didn’t necessarily sound like it when I first read it. A little twist on a phrase. Short and sweet and tells you what’s up. It’s not just good. But very good.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Top 10: Fight Club (1999), Forrest Gump (1994), The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Shutter Island (2010), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006)

Future BMT: 74.9 The Turning (2020), 72.6 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.3 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.4 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.4 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), Firestarter (2022), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), …

Best Options (Horror): 74.9 The Turning (2020), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 48.4 Blood and Chocolate (2007), 41.4 Diabolique (1996), 40.4 Village of the Damned (1995), 40.2 In Dreams (1999), 39.2 Hideaway (1995), 37.3 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), 37.2 Thinner (1996), 37.0 The Amityville Horror (2005), 36.7 The Relic (1997), 33.3 The Awakening (1980), 32.9 Mary Reilly (1996), 32.5 Victor Frankenstein (2015), 30.1 The Night Listener (2006), 28.9 Bad Moon (1996), 28.9 The Phantom of the Opera (1989), 27.0 The Puppet Masters (1994), 21.4 The Believers (1987), 18.0 Ghost Story (1981)

(Again, we were really going for the ones where you could get the “now a major motion picture” covers. This was also enticing just because we both like reading Stephen King books (although, honestly, I find a lot of them junky, and (spoiler) this was no exception).)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Robert John Burke is No. 1 billed in Thinner and No. 1 billed in RoboCop 3, which also stars Rip Torn (No. 3 billed) who is in Senseless (No. 4 billed) which also stars Matthew Lillard (No. 3 billed) who is in Wicker Park (No. 3 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 4) + (3 + 3) + (1 + 3) = 19. If we were to watch Fled, and Biker Boyz we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – While in production, cowriter/director Tom Holland was stricken with Bell’s Palsy, a virus that paralyzed one side of his face. The effects could have been minimized had he gotten a steroid shot immediately, but the producers insisted he keep working, so it was 36 hours before he got to a doctor. It took more than a year and a half for him to fully recover.

Robert John Burke lost 20 pounds to play the role.

At his thinnest, Billy Halleck (Robert John Burke) weighed 120 pounds which was a challenge for the FX crew, as the actor weighed 160 pounds at the time of production.

Originally the crew planned to do a more gruesome FX makeup which would have had Billy Halleck (Robert John Burke)’s flesh dangling off his protruding jaw and cheekbones. Partway into filming they decided that this look was too horrific.

Depending upon the stage of his character’s deterioration, Robert John Burke had to spend four to six hours each day in the makeup chair.

The Three Musketeers (1993) Recap

Jamie

The Three Musketeers was my personal favorite of the picks for this Now a Major Motion Picture cycle. There are three keys to getting a perfect Now a Major Motion Picture media tie-in edition of a book. First, it has to say something like “Now a Major Motion Picture” on the front cover. Second, it has to have a picture of the actors on the cover (or at the very least a version of the poster for the film). Third, and potentially most important, it has to have the credits for the film on the back cover. If you get those three things you have a perfect media tie-in. The Three Musketeers had all three of these (so as I read I could gander at Keifer Sutherland’s beautiful face) while also being the unabridged version of a classic. A classic from which the adaptation depicted on the cover deviates significantly. My short review of the book: it’s fun! Like an old school adventure novel. Has the feel of almost improvisation at times which is probably because, like the Bad Movie Twins story, it was being written as a serial. Really fun.

To recap, our boy D’Artagnan is heading on to grand Paris to join up with the Musketeers. Unbeknownst to him Cardinal Richelieu has used his influence over the young King Louis XIII to disband the Musketeers… all but three (but which three, I wonder). Arriving in Paris he immediately gets into it with Athos, Porthos and Aramis and finds himself in a duel with them. This is rudely interrupted by the Cardinal’s guards and D’Artagnan acquits himself quite well dueling them. Unfortunately he is captured as more guards arrive. After escaping his cell, D’Artagnan overhears a plan by the Cardinal to form a treaty with the Duke of Buckingham with the ultimate goal to supplant the King. After being sentenced to death, D’Artagnan is rescued by the Three Musketeers, who boldly ride off in a big ol’ action set piece. They agree that they should intercept the treaty and save the day. When they are attacked by the Cardinal’s forces, the gang splits up and eventually D’Artagnan falls into the clutches of Milady. Bum bum bum. He is smitten because she is so beautiful and evil. Eventually the Three Musketeers capture her and the treaty and she reveals the Cardinal’s plot to assassinate the King before throwing herself from a cliff. Athos is devastated because she was so beautiful and evil. They all rally the Musketeers across the land and arrive at the King’s birthday celebration just in time to interrupt the assassination. They fight a whole bunch. They kill people left and right and are almost killed themselves. Eventually they win and D’Artagnan becomes a Musketeer and wins the heart of his beautiful and good lady love. THE END.

I can’t change who I am. This movie is fun and all them critics are a bunch of Debby Downers wanting us to watch The Remains of the Day or whatever. “Why do we need another Three Musketeers adaptation?” they cry. I’ll tell you why. Fun. The book is a gosh darn adventure classic and you’re like, ‘nah’? Get out of here with that. Now, is this a perfect movie? Alas, no. The cadre of actors they got for these parts are not exactly suited to the King’s English. The lines flow like molasses as they work their way through them. Rebecca De Morney has been good in some things (Never Talk to Strangers, anyone?). This is not one of them. Kill two birds with one stone and update the language, my guys. Then you’d have an answer for the reason the adaptation exists (besides being fun). You make it cool because the book is cool and it deserved a cool 90’s blockbuster adaptation. Anyway, I’ll leave you with this little hot take: I think Chris O’Donnell is actually very well cast in this. In fact the casting is great. It’s just that they didn’t do anyone any favors by trying to make they speak all old fashioned.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me swashbuckling around and wenching haaaaard* let’s go!

The Good? C’mon now, that cast! How did this movie claim a $30 million budget and that cast! The downside is Platt and Curry appear to be the only ones who know what movie they are in. The upside being Oliver Platt! Just wall the wall clowning around. This walked so Marvel could run. Sutherland appears to think he’s in a deathly serious adaptation of a classic piece of literature. Platt knows he’s doing a bit of buffoonery. The movie is just fun. It is genuinely like Pirate of the Caribbean. It seems it just took a while for the critics to get on the same wavelength.

The Bad? I guess, some might call the accent work non-existent because it is, and thus as an adaptation of one of our great works of literature it is an abomination. I would not be that person. I would be a person who would say Tim Curry, love the guy, but hooooo boy, it is maybe just a little too over the top for me. And De Mornay is something of a charisma black hole (although something tells me they hired her as Milady for a different reason…). This is tough because I liked the film, but I do see why in the early ‘90s critics would be like, “No no no! This is not how it is done!”

The BMT? In previous years there were basically two axes on which to judge BMT. Horribleness and Ridiculousness. A ridiculous movie would be something like Battlefield Earth. And a horrible movie would be something like Gods and Generals. Now Gods and Generals isn’t really considered BMT, it is considered Bad. So what is the equivalent for Good? Well, that’s the new category: gifability. This film is good, but it is also amazingly gifable at the same time. Porthos in particular is a gif machine. It is something you have to see to believe.

Rewatchable? For what’s aged the best I think just letting the actors use their own accents is an underrated choice. It is something maybe people should consider revisiting. It probably makes making the movie cheaper as well. Let Kiefer Kiefer, you know? The heat check in the movie I think is Julie Delphy, it is a bit jarring to realize she’s in it. The “that guy” award goes to Michael Wincott who has been in several BMT and BMT adjacent films from that era, like 1492, The Crow, and Along Came a Spider. And finally obviously Tim Curry gets the overacting award.

Amazingly we do not get a Planchet award. The character doesn’t even appear. I think he was replaced by the rando who keeps trying to duel D’Artagnan and mostly just looks pale and laughs dumbly at him before being embarrassed. Setting as a Character (Where?) sure, for Paris. And I guess for the time we have a Secret Holiday Film (When?) for the king’s birthday which, at least in England, would certainly be considered a holiday. But that is it. The film is Good and I’ll duel anyone who dares suggest otherwise.

Cheers,

The Sklogs

The Three Musketeers (1993) Preview

“So it’s like the Bad Movie Twins meets Frankenstein and the Wolfman?” Patrick’s new publisher Richard Computer says, a look of intense concentration on his face. Uncertain about how his improvised pitch is going, Jamie takes off his glasses and sighs deeply, hoping to lend an air of gravitas to everything he’s saying. “Frankenstein’s monster actually,” he corrects. Richard turns and looks out the window, saying with a tone of disappointment in his voice, “Yes, well, unfortunately Frankenstein’s monster is out this season. If it were Frankenstein I might be more interested. As for Wolfmen, well they haven’t been in since 1994.” At that Richard laughs heartily and Jamie curses his bad luck. Patrick jumps in, annoyed at Jamie’s gaffe. “Yes, well really the monsters are only a minor aspect of the story. In fact, I think my co-author here forgot that we removed them entirely in the latest draft,” Patrick really gives Jamie the stink eye as he says that. Richard looks skeptical, but eventually leans back in his chair, “continue.” Jamie launches into a jazz-like riff on the exact length of the novel and how the chapters are laid out. “The chapters are exactly the length for optimal satisfaction. Not too long. Not too short. Bee-dee-doo-bah-doo-bop.” Patrick is aghast. “Mannequins,” Kyle says suddenly while spinning a globe idly in the corner. “Excuse me?” Richard asks, now truly confused. “Patrick, who are these people? Where is your book? You do have a book, don’t you? Because we gave you a pretty hefty advance on this.” The vibes in the room are not good and Patrick has to think fast. “I’m sorry, Richard,” Patrick starts as Jamie holds his breath, “I think you misunderstand what is happening here. We are The Three Musketeers.” And with that, he begins. That’s right! We’re are watching the 1993 mousterpiece The Three Musketeers. I only know this from the dope cover of my media tie-in edition of a stone cold classic. My beautiful boys looking up at me while I read. It’s perfect. Let’s go!

The Three Musketeers (1993) – BMeTric: 20.9; Notability: 46

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.4%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.6%; Higher BMeT: Super Mario Bros., RoboCop 3, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Look Who’s Talking Now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, Mr. Nanny, Body of Evidence, Cop & ½, Beethoven’s 2nd, Sliver, Weekend at Bernie’s II, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Boxing Helena, Son of the Pink Panther, The Beverly Hillbillies, Made in America, Carnosaur, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Surf Ninjas, Boiling Point, and 36 more; Higher Notability: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, Rising Sun, Life with Mikey, The Meteor Man, Loaded Weapon 1, Son of the Pink Panther, RoboCop 3, For Love or Money, Super Mario Bros.; Lower RT: Look Who’s Talking Now, Warlock: The Armageddon, Mr. Nanny, Son of the Pink Panther, Body of Evidence, RoboCop 3, Hexed, Best of the Best II, Ghost in the Machine, Father Hood, Calendar Girl, Weekend at Bernie’s II, My Boyfriend’s Back, Only the Strong, Fatal Instinct, Cop & ½, Ernest Rides Again, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Another Stakeout, Boxing Helena, and 32 more; Notes: We have a perfect split, 10/20 top BMeT films watched. But I’m really quite enamored with the idea of eventually doing Sister Act 2. That had the highest Notability? That feels really crazy. Only played 13 times on television in the ‘90s, mostly on the Disney channel (naturally), probably because it was somewhat violent and a full throated 2 hours long.

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – Is there a compelling need for another version of “The Three Musketeers?” The first task of the new version would be to convince us the answer is yes – and this new “Musketeers” never does. It must have been great fun to make it (what young actor doesn’t want to dash around on horseback and engage in swashbuckling swordfights?), but it’s not that much fun to watch. It’s all sound and energy, without plan or meaning.

(I mean, sure. A little like the Ben-Hur film from 2016 I guess. My counter? The film is just fun! And I think making a “Disney” version of a major swashbuckling novel, a novel children can and could not read for the most part, is argument enough. I think the question is actually inverted. Have we made a children’s version of The Three Musketeers yet? No? Then let’s do it.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMy1TFRF8Lk/

(YES, A VHS TRAILER. There is certainly a lot of killing and smooching in this Disney film. If I’m not mistaken they are using the Goonies theme in the background? At least something really close to it. I really really remember the Platt waxing his sword around … was this on some clamshell VHS we owned?)

Directors – Stephen Herek – ( Known For: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure; 101 Dalmatians; Rock Star; Mr. Holland’s Opus; Critters; Our Little Secret; Afterlife of the Party; Dog Gone; The Great Gilly Hopkins; The Chaperone; Future BMT: Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead; Life or Something Like It; Man of the House; Holy Man; BMT: The Mighty Ducks; The Three Musketeers; Notes: Wow, he did The Mighty Ducks as well. He was churning out Disney hits. If anything him directing Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure makes him a legend.)

Writers – Alexandre Dumas – ( Known For: The Count of Monte Cristo; The Count of Monte-Cristo; The Three Musketeers – Part I: D’Artagnan; The Three Musketeers; Queen Margot; The Four Musketeers; The Three Musketeers – Part II: Milady; The Three Musketeers; The Return of the Musketeers; The Count of Monte Cristo; The Black Tulip; The Man in the Iron Mask; Black Magic; The Iron Mask; The Count of Monte Cristo; The Three Musketeers; The Son of Monte Cristo; The Fifth Musketeer; The Corsican Brothers; The Return of the Musketeers, or The Treasures of Cardinal Mazarin; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; BMT: The Three Musketeers; The Three Musketeers; The Musketeer; Notes: HA. Well, we are almost done with the Musketeer series. A wonder if it the only series to produce a bad film I suppose.)

David Loughery – ( Known For: Lakeview Terrace; Dreamscape; Fatale; Nurse; End of the Road; Shattered; Blindsided; Flashback; Future BMT: Passenger 57; Obsessed; Tom and Huck; BMT: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; The Three Musketeers; The Intruder; Notes: Flashback is funny because I’ve been annotating adverts in the New York Times and you see the craziest films you’ve never heard of with full page advertisements. That was one of them. Another Kiefer naturally. Also funny to see connections. He wrote three episodes of Time Trax, an obscure Australian show from 1993. They also produced the Bill & Ted series in 1992. Could that be why Herek hired him? This is their only overlap in general though.)

Actors – Charlie Sheen – ( Known For: Platoon; Ferris Bueller’s Day Off; Being John Malkovich; Wall Street; Hot Shots!; Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; Hot Shots! Part Deux; Badlands; Major League; Young Guns; Red Dawn; The Arrival; Eight Men Out; The Chase; The Wraith; Lucas; Foodfight!; Beyond the Law; Good Advice; Cadence; Future BMT: Due Date; Scary Movie 3; Scary Movie 4; Machete Kills; Loaded Weapon 1; Money Talks; The Rookie; Men at Work; The Big Bounce; Madea’s Witness Protection; All Dogs Go to Heaven 2; Shadow Conspiracy; BMT: Scary Movie 5; The Three Musketeers; Major League II; Navy Seals; Terminal Velocity; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys for Two and a Half Men. Yeah we have a ton of his films to go. Too bad The Chase isn’t one of them, it is at 43% on Rotten Tomatoes.)

Kiefer Sutherland – ( Known For: Stand by Me; A Few Good Men; Phone Booth; Dark City; Melancholia; A Time to Kill; Monsters vs. Aliens; The Lost Boys; Juror #2; Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me; Flatliners; Young Guns; They Cloned Tyrone; The Contractor; Freeway; The Vanishing; At Close Range; Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces; The Reluctant Fundamentalist; Forsaken; Future BMT: Mirrors; Taking Lives; The Sentinel; The Wild; Eye for an Eye; The Cowboy Way; Renegades; The Nutcracker Prince; BMT: Pompeii; Zoolander 2; The Three Musketeers; Flatliners; Young Guns II; Marmaduke; Notes: Nominated 11 times for Emmys for acting and producing 24. For the fifth season they won both lead actor and best series. Which seems crazy. I watched all those. I suppose that was probably the Itzin year which was indeed probably the best end-to-end season they had.)

Chris O’Donnell – ( Known For: Scent of a Woman; Fried Green Tomatoes; Vertical Limit; Kinsey; School Ties; Cookie’s Fortune; Circle of Friends; Blue Sky; Kit Kittredge: An American Girl; A Little Help; Men Don’t Leave; 29 Palms; The Sisters; Future BMT: The Bachelor; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; Mad Love; BMT: Batman & Robin; Batman Forever; Max Payne; The Three Musketeers; The Chamber; In Love and War; Notes: Strange actor. Definitively a leading man in the ‘90s, and eventually just settled into 323 episodes of NCIS: Los Angeles. The funniest part being in the cross-over soft pilot for NCIS: Los Angeles he’s basically killed at the end. Naturally he comes back, but they clearly anticipated maybe having to recast with a different lead.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $53,898,845 (Worldwide: $53,898,845)

(Hooooooooooooooo doggie. First of all, that budget? I don’t believe you. Have you seen this cast? That’s absurd and insulting. But my god that box office take? How doesn’t this get a worldwide release? What are we doing here Disney? What are you thinking? This is truly mind exploding. Wikipedia claims it just creeped over $100 million worldwide based off a Variety article from 1994 which I do not have access to. Curious.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (9/29): Its starry trio of do-gooders may promise to fight “one for all, all for one,” but this Three Musketeers is a slickly unmemorable update bound to satisfy very few.

(That isn’t unfair. I do think by being a mismash of ideas mostly from other adaptations (and not the book) you do end up with something that isn’t memorable beyond a series of insane gifs generated by Platt’s antics.)

Reviewer Highlight: All this nonsense would be news to Dumas, whose grave is surely spinning as his musketeers – sucked dry of high drama and low wit – go kicking and screaming into the wonderful world of Disney. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Poster – The Two Sklogsketeers

(Hey that’s the cover of my book. Like Krippendorf’s Tribe’s all white poster, there are general color schemes that I’m not super into. A mostly black poster is one of them. I want something a little more interesting. And speaking along those lines, this is just too generic to get excited about. Sure the layout is fine, but where’s the zazz, you know? C)

Tagline(s) – All for one and one for all! (C)

A place of betrayal. The fate of a king. A time for heroes. (B+)

(The first one is more of a requirement than a tagline. The second I’m more into. A set of three. I like the second and third. Could use a little wordplay. I also am bumping up against the first one a little. A place of betrayal… I’m not sure I know what they are going for there. But I applaud the effort.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Best Options (Action): 72.6 Zoom (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 46.5 The Rhythm Section (2020), 44.4 That Darn Cat (1997), 44.2 The Divergent Series: Allegiant (2016), 44.1 Boiling Point (1993), 42.9 Yor: The Hunter from the Future (1983), 42.8 Pan (2015), 41.1 V.I. Warshawski (1991), 41.0 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.7 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 39.4 Stroker Ace (1983), 38.9 When Time Ran Out… (1980), 38.4 Desperate Hours (1990), 38.4 Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), 37.3 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), 36.6 Air America (1990), 35.3 The Fan (1996), 34.9 Hero and the Terror (1988), 33.8 The Time Machine (2002), 31.5 The Getaway (1994), 31.0 Van Helsing (2004), 30.6 Mortal Engines (2018), 30.3 Sahara (2005), 29.2 The Sentinel (2006), 29.1 The Girl in the Spider’s Web (2018), 27.8 The Divergent Series: Insurgent (2015), 27.7 Inferno (2016), 27.7 The Legend of Tarzan (2016), 27.6 Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016), 27.6 Next (2007), 27.1 American Assassin (2017), 26.9 Trapped (2002), 26.7 The Eagle (2011), 26.7 The Saint (1997), 25.6 Miracle at St. Anna (2008), 24.6 King Arthur (2004), 23.8 The November Man (2014), 23.5 Revenge (1990), 23.5 Proof of Life (2000), 22.3 Year of the Gun (1991), 21.7 The Jackal (1997), 21.0 Malone (1987), 20.9 The Three Musketeers (1993), …

(Sahara was on the radar, but as far as Dirk novels go it is kind of in the middle of the series. Same with Reacher. A lot of these are borderline (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), or wouldn’t have a “Now a Major Motion Picture” book available. This one did though and is a classic in its own way.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Chris O’Donnell is No. 1 billed in The Three Musketeers and No. 2 billed in In Love and War, which also stars Sandra Bullock (No. 1 billed) who is in Demolition Man (No. 3 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 16. If we were to watch Eye for an Eye we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Kiefer Sutherland, Chris O’Donnell, and Oliver Platt all endured six weeks of fencing and riding lessons. Charlie Sheen missed out on all of this, as he was then embroiled in the filming of Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993).

The dungeon scenes were filmed at Seegrotte, Austria, an old mine which was flooded early in 1900s due to an underground water source and was later used by the Nazi’s during World War II to conduct military research. The site is now open to the public and famous for its underground lake. The scene decoration of one of the prison cells, as well as the dragon-head boat are still kept intact at Seegrotte and can be visited.

After filming, Chris O’Donnell kept his sword. He jokingly claims this was by accident.

Mostly shot in Perchtoldsdorf, Austria, where Rebecca De Mornay attended high school and college.

Gabrielle Anwar was pregnant during filming and had to have her costumes let out.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Chris O’Donnell)

Krippendorf’s Tribe Recap

Jamie

A book cycle! A book cycle after the website has been a disaster area for like a year! What a mistake. We’ll see how long I actually am able to keep up with the reading of the books. Krippendorf’s Tribe was pretty easy. It’s a fantastically short satire of academia. I started it and I found it unpleasant. Mostly because the main character kind of sucked. But guess what? That was kind of the point. So as the book went on and got darker and darker I started to surprise myself by actually digging it. By the time the family is committing cannibalism and our “hero” is fleeing the country with his kids-turned-savages to presumably live out their days in the Amazonian jungle, I understood how it was that someone, somewhere felt like it would make a great movie. Why that movie had to be a heart warming tale starring Richard Dreyfuss? Not sure I understand that part yet.

To recap, James Krippendorf is a respected anthropologist and member of an all-star husband-wife team who have integrated the lives of their three kids into their explorations. After his wife dies, though, Krippendorf is lost. So lost that he spends the rest of their grant money on just keeping his family afloat. When the chickens come home to roost and he is expected to present the work he never completed on a lost tribe of New Guinea he never found, he does what any self respecting academic would do: make it all up. The showman to his wife’s brilliant researcher, he soon has everyone enraptured. Unfortunately they are too enraptured, as he gets roped into more lectures and a rising faculty member (and unabashed fan of his), Veronica, gets him tied up with a science-as-entertainment TV producer. So he finds himself having to produce more and more fake tribe content, including dressing his kids up in brownface and (hold onto your hats) having sex with Veronica on video to show off the mating rituals of the tribe… eeeeesh. Meanwhile a colleague of his sets out to expose the lie. This all culminates in his appearance on a TV dressed as the Chief of the Shelmikedmu and his subsequent winning of a large grant where both he and the Chief will appear. Veronica, peeved by the sex video, nonetheless agrees to help in exchange for half of the grant and helps keep up the ruse long enough for Krippendorf’s colleague to excitedly fax from New Guinea that there is no tribe. Everything falls apart… that is, until the colleague calls back and acknowledges that in fact she did find the Shelmikedmu. This was of course set up by Krippendorf’s daughter who pulled some favors with a nearby tribe who she had close ties to. THE END.

I feel like my opinion of this is painted a little by my unexpected love of the book. It’s just so much darker and I kind of wish that they went that way with it. You can even see it a little in other Dreyfuss performances. What About Bob? is a great example of Dreyfuss as insane person. I think he could have played that great. Chaos all around him while he pedantically explains it all away and people lap it up. But this is a pretty broad comedy that ended up kind of making a joke of the original satire. Is that why it got bad reviews? Because reviewers were angry that it didn’t live up to the biting satire of the source material. No. They didn’t like that it was racist mostly. And they seemed upset that Dreyfuss would do it. I will say that the fact that Elfman and Dreyfuss said yes to this insanity certainly elevated it. Dreyfuss is pretty physical as a comedian in this and so maybe that’s what attracted him to it. He got to act wild. Surprisingly middling for a film I presumed would be horrific.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *gif of me dancing around in blackface in a major motion picture in 1998* Let’s go!

The Good? The film is a little more heartwarming and the characters a little more quirky that one would initially give it credit for I think. Specifically, the whole family dynamic I think is quite nicely underplayed but also fairly nice how things get worked through in the end. And Elfman’s character in particular is just the right level of weird anthropologist groupie (?) / kind of game for the hoax and a publicity hungry crazy person that the romance works a lot better than you could ever think it could. These days she’d definitely be a buttoned-up person who only lets loose in the end.

The Bad? Uh … the blackface. I mentioned it in my intro. Five separate people dress in blackface. There is a whole section which is deeply offensive. It is only slightly saved by also having a real New Guinea tribe they are friends with that they are mostly just riffing on. Still though, hard to get past. Oh, and the rape scene. We’ll get to that in a second.

The BMT? I mean, yeah, one of the weirdest films ever made. And obviously deeply problematic and not funny. There isn’t really any other way to describe it but as an ultra weird film I watched as a kid. What do you think our parents thought watching this film? I wonder. I bet they have zero recollection of watching this film.

The Rewatchables? Might as well steal from the best. What’s aged the worst? The rape scene duh! They have a whole scene where Dreyfuss gets a woman drunk and then secretly films having sex with her. Whooooooops! The “That Guy” Award for Mac’s mother from It’s Always Sunny. Also Happy Gilmore’s grandmother as well. The Overacting Award goes to Elfman for the scene where she is pretending to be drunk (rough). And we get a wild Needle Drop in the middle of the film and over the credits for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

I took an extended break from my AI explorations, but I’m going to get back to it soon. The current key will probably focus on embeddings. In particular, there are a few huggingface models (models–google–vit-base-patch16-224 and models–openai–clip-vit-base-patch32 in particular) which I think I can get working a bit to try and see what I can see as far as one of my main goals in this cycle: Embed a bunch of movie posters and then try and find ones that match a specific but hard-to-articulate concept. Namely, can I find posters that utilize the same conceit as the For Your Eyes Only poster: you are looking through a woman’s legs. This one would be close, for example. Stay tuned.

Let’s go Early Role (Who?) for Mila Kunis who pops up as a girl at the science fair who is participating in the son’s tribal demonstration. Best Product Placement (What?) THERE IS AN ENTIRE SCENE IN McDONALD’S AAAAAND AN ENTIRE SCENE IN BEST BUY. Stop the presses. This is an unprecedented level of product placement. This film must have made bank. Setting as a Character (Where?) I’m pretty sure they are supposed to be in New York based on a few flags that are around, a choice I’m guessing was solely based on Natasha Lyonne’s crazy thick New York accent. We have an Exact Date (When?) of April 7, 1997 when the film starts. And Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable conclusion that the daughter got the tribe they are friends with to pretend to be the Shelmikedmu Tribe to save them in the end. The film is BMT through and through, just wild and crazy stuff.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Krippendorf’s Tribe Preview

After spending a year in Hallston, it’s now time to get back to work. Patrick, Jamie and Kyle triple crack their knuckles and cozy up in their Brooklyn apartment rocking only the bulkiest of cable knit sweaters. “This is great!” Patrick exclaims sharpening a pencil. “Sure is!” Jamie agrees, testing out an eraser or two. “So what is this book about?” Kyle asks, spoiling the fun. Just when they were supposed to be completing Platonic Solids Series Part III: Cubey or Not Cubey they have found themselves confronted with the most dreaded Platonic Solid of them all… writer’s block. So far they had written one sentence: “Having consummated her swamp monster marriage to Kelton with some sweet swamp monster love in the Boggy Lands, Jewel was shocked to learn…” Learn what? The obvious answer was that she was pregnant, but their millions of fans had already predicted this online. They need a real twist-em-up or else Part III would never live up to the greatest finale a book series has ever seen. Kyle starts to form his lips in what looks suspiciously like the start of the word “mannequin” and Jamie and Patrick shush him preemptively. They distract themselves by picking up the mail and Patrick starts sweating bullets. Turns out, a year ago Patrick had promised to produce a new, rocking novel in exchange for pushing the release of Platonic Solids Series Part III. “When’s it due?” Jamie asks. Patrick gulps. “Tomorrow,” he rasps. What are they gonna do?! Suddenly Jamie has a thought. “What if we did write a new novel last year? And what if it’s rocking?” He quickly throws a blank cover on a copy of Platonic Solids Series Part I and scribbles on the front. “Bad Movie Tribe.” Patrick and Kyle are baffled. That’s right! New Year, new us? I’m not sure. All I’m sure about is that we are finally(?) watching the Dreyfuss classic Krippendorf’s Tribe. Based on a book that is now a major motion picture, I guess the best thing you can say about it is that it’s probably not as offensive as Soul Man, right? Right?! Let’s go!

Krippendorf’s Tribe (1998) – BMeTric: 41.1; Notability: 35

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 8.8%; Notability: top 14.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.6%; Higher BMeT: The Avengers, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, Species II, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, The Patriot, Lost in Space, Holy Man, Knock Off, Ringmaster, Major League: Back to the Minors, Godzilla, Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Barney’s Great Adventure, Jack Frost, Phantoms, Urban Legend, Home Fries, Tale of the Mummy, Legionnaire, My Giant, and 2 more; Higher Notability: 54, Godzilla, Patch Adams, U.S. Marshals, Goodbye Lover, The Waterboy, Mercury Rising, Mafia!, My Giant, Jack Frost, Senseless, Disturbing Behavior, Just the Ticket, Practical Magic, Half Baked, The Avengers, The Replacement Killers, The Odd Couple II, Lulu on the Bridge, Lost in Space, and 16 more; Lower RT: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, A Murder of Crows, The Curve, Lulu on the Bridge, The Avengers, Almost Heroes, Tarzan and the Lost City, Senseless, Strangeland, Species II, Phantoms, Knock Off, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Woo, Meet the Deedles, The Proposition, A Night at the Roxbury, Firestorm, Hush, Holy Man, and 11 more; Notes: We’ve watches 11 of the top 20 (and 7 of the top 10) for BMeT. Holy Man, being an Eddie Murphy film, is quite the blind spot. The Notability is impressive on this one, feels really rather small, right? It is just his family and Jenna Elfman basically.

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars – Is it possible to recommend a whole comedy on the basis of one scene that made you laugh almost uncontrollably? I fear not. And yet “Krippendorf’s Tribe” has such a scene, and many comedies have none. I was reminded of the dead parakeet that had its head taped back on, in “Dumb And Dumber.” A scene like that can redeem a lot of down time.

(I would never ever have guessed that that scene, for Roger Ebert, was the circumcision scene. He is very forgiving of a film I mostly remember as featuring a scene that would certainly be considered rape by today’s standards.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yZ2AKzt4IE/

(I mean … the trailer looks deeply offensive. What the fuck were we doing in 1998? How did this get past the planning stages? How did multiple people dress up in blackface and no one be like “wait a second…”)

Directors – Todd Holland – ( Future BMT: Firehouse Dog; BMT: The Wizard; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Notes: Directed and produced a lot of Malcolm in the Middle. He is very much a television director.)

Writers – Frank Parkin – ( Notes: The writer of the book. I honestly am stunned he got a credit, but I guess when you use such a distinctive name it is unavoidable. Also these things did feel a little more clear cut in the 90s.)

Charlie Peters – ( Known For: Three Men and a Little Lady; 5 Flights Up; My One and Only; Music from Another Room; Kiss Me Goodbye; Passed Away; Paternity; Future BMT: My Father the Hero; Her Alibi; BMT: Blame It on Rio; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Hot to Trot; Notes: My god, Blame it on Rio and Paternity. This guy is a legend (in my very specific bad movie / obscure movie circle).)

Actors – Richard Dreyfuss – ( Known For: Jaws; Stand by Me; RED; The Graduate; Close Encounters of the Third Kind; Polar; American Graffiti; Piranha 3D; What About Bob?; James and the Giant Peach; The American President; W.; Mr. Holland’s Opus; Always; Book Club; Stakeout; Leaves of Grass; Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead; Down and Out in Beverly Hills; Postcards from the Edge; Future BMT: Paranoia; My Life in Ruins; Another Stakeout; Let It Ride; The Crew; Silent Fall; Sweetwater; BMT: Poseidon; Krippendorf’s Tribe; Mad Dog Time; Notes: Notably considered an asshole. And amazingly was then hired to play a character who is, himself, quite an asshole. How fitting. Won and Oscar for The Goodbye Girl. Was nominated for Mr. Holland’s Opus.)

Jenna Elfman – ( Known For: Friends with Benefits; Doctor Dolittle; Grosse Pointe Blank; Can’t Hardly Wait; Keeping the Faith; Edtv; Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Barry; The Six Wives of Henry Lefay; Big Stone Gap; Love Hurts; Clifford’s Really Big Movie; BMT: Krippendorf’s Tribe; Town & Country; Notes: We talking Dharma? She was a strangely prolific actress in the late 90s. She was in 75 episodes of Fear the Walking Dead. So she’s still working. You can tell her career took off rather late because Elfman is her married name. She was Jenna Butala earlier.)

Natasha Lyonne – ( Known For: Glass Onion; American Pie; Uncut Gems; American Pie 2; Ad Astra; American Reunion; The Fantastic Four: First Steps; Robots; Kate & Leopold; DC League of Super-Pets; Sleeping with Other People; But I’m a Cheerleader; Detroit Rock City; Honey Boy; Everyone Says I Love You; Irresistible; Hello, My Name Is Doris; The Bad Guys 2; His Three Daughters; A Futile and Stupid Gesture; Future BMT: Blade: Trinity; Scary Movie 2; Dennis the Menace; BMT: Krippendorf’s Tribe; Smurfs; Show Dogs; Notes: She’s been nominated for five Emmys (for Poker Face, Russian Doll, and Orange is the New Black). I completely forgot she plays the daughter in this film.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $7,571,115 (Worldwide: $7,571,115)

(Truly the budget is unknown. I don’t think $7 million is going to cut it though.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (7/41)

(Considering it is so poorly received it is amazing there are only two major reviews for the film. Was this like … barley released or something. How did we end up watching it I wonder.)

Reviewer Highlight: Krippendorf’s Tribe, a surprisingly enjoyable piece of piffle, is pure Disney all the way, replete with a wholly preposterous plot, engaging performances and a feel-good, lesson-teaching ending. – Mike Clark, USA Today

Poster – Sklogindorf’s Tribe

(I will never forget this poster for as long as I live. It was the cover of the VHS tape and it’s striking. Ugly as shit, but striking. I hate the sheer amount of white on the cover and pretty much everything about it, but you can’t deny it draws the eye. C.)

Tagline(s) – The last undiscovered tribe is about to expose themselves. (B)

(Obviously this is a play on Dreyfuss being nearly nude on the poster. But it also kind of plays on the fact that a sex tape plays a role in the plot. It’s too long and the double entendre just isn’t fun enough to draw you in (unless you happen to be drawn to Dreyfuss potentially appearing nude in the film. But it’s an A for effort.)

Keyword(s) – imdb-keyword-based-on-novel;based-on-book

Future BMT: 74.8 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 64.2 Valentine (2001), 57.9 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.3 Eye of the Beholder (1999), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.9 Abandon (2002), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 52.4 Addicted (2014), 50.8 Freedomland (2006), 50.0 Kull: The Conqueror (1997), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003)

BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Cats (2019), Left Behind (2014), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Jaws 3-D (1983), One Missed Call (2008), Fifty Shades Darker (2017), Fifty Shades Freed (2018), The Bye Bye Man (2017), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Striptease (1996), The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Firestarter (2022), Tarot (2024), Meg 2: The Trench (2023), The Haunting (1999), Fair Game (1995), Eragon (2006), After We Fell (2021), North (1994), Monkeybone (2001), The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999), Conan the Barbarian (2011), After Ever Happy (2022), Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), An American Haunting (2005), The Snowman (2017), The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007), Sliver (1993), Pinocchio (2002), The Musketeer (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Get Carter (2000), Exit to Eden (1994), After (2019), Alex Cross (2012), Queen of the Damned (2002), Congo (1995), One for the Money (2012), The Ring Two (2005), The Circle (2017), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Bless the Child (2000), Endless Love (1981), Babylon A.D. (2008), Dreamcatcher (2003), …

Best Options (Comedy): 72.5 Zoom (2006), 69.6 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 67.3 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 66.3 102 Dalmatians (2000), 65.2 Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (2017), 55.5 Hanging Up (2000), 55.2 Snow Dogs (2002), 54.3 The Divorce (2003), 53.3 The Stepford Wives (2004), 49.9 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 49.5 Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000), 48.7 The Jungle Book 2 (2003), 46.5 Sherlock Gnomes (2018), 46.0 Surviving Christmas (2004), 45.1 King Ralph (1991), 44.4 That Darn Cat (1997), 42.8 Pan (2015), 42.6 Deal of the Century (1983), 42.2 What’s the Worst That Could Happen? (2001), 41.5 Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer (2011), 41.1 Krippendorf’s Tribe (1998), 41.0 V.I. Warshawski (1991), 40.5 Admission (2013), 40.5 101 Dalmatians (1996), …

(We were originally going to do What’s the Worst That Could Happen? But then we realized, what the hell are we thinking! Of course we have to do Krippendorf’s Tribe. It is apparently a very weird book to consider adapting into a film.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Richard Dreyfuss is No. 1 billed in Krippendorf’s Tribe and No. 2 billed in Poseidon, which also stars Kurt Russell (No. 1 billed) who is in Tango & Cash (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 15. If we were to watch The Crew we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – On Twitter, Richard Dreyfuss wrote, “I had so much fun with Jenna Elfman during ‘Krippendorf’. The movie was not very good, but we had some fun.”

On the set of this film, Richard Dreyfuss was interviewed for The Making of ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ (2001) and he appears in this feature length documentary in the make-up and costume of James Krippendorf.

Robin Williams was originally attached to play James Krippendorf.

When writing the novel upon which this movie is based, Frank Parkin named the protagonist and his family after Klaus Krippendorf, a renowned communications scholar best known for his work on the role of communication in social construction and design. Parkin himself was a highly-regarded sociologist.

When Jenna Elfman’s character Veronica sees a promo at Best Buy for the documentary, “The Life of the Shelmikedmu”, she walks by a customer holding a VHS copy of Stakeout (1987), another movie released by Touchstone Pictures that stars Richard Dreyfuss.

House of the Dead Preview

Jamie sits nervously in Judge Stranger’s Chambers, Ms. LaRouche at his side. “Ahem, well, given the testimony we just heard in the courtroom, I urge the prosecution to drop the case,” the judge says bluntly and Jamie holds his breath. “We agree,” the prosecutor says with deep seriousness. Jamie and Ms. LaRouche jump to their feet and hug. A cheer can be heard from outside as the news is relayed to the growing crowd. “We agree,” the prosecutor continues, “because we are prepared to charge a different suspect.” Now Jamie is a bit confused. He looks to Ms. LaRouche to share in this confusion, but is even more confused when he finds that she seems decidedly not confused. Suddenly the prosecutor jumps forward and slaps handcuffs on Jamie’s wrists. “What thuuuuuu,” Jamie says dumbly. Suddenly it all becomes clear. The whole time Jamie thought he was cleverly building a case to find a poor young man innocent, when he was really building a case against himself. “Right down to the well toned parkour muscles,” he grumbles in wonder, giving said muscles a quick squeeze to see if they might pop the handcuffs clean off. Alas. The judge looks at a calendar and pauses thoughtfully. “I think we shall set the trial start date for October 31st.” Jamie is startled. “But that’s three months away,” he sputters. “Yes, not nearly enough time for the prosecution to prepare,” the prosecutor says even more seriously than before, “I’d prefer the fourth Thursday of the following month, if possible.” The judge ponders this and gives a quick nod and waves them out of his chambers. As two police officers grab Jamie by the arms, he asks where they’re taking him. They chuckle and reply, “We call it… the House of the Dead.” That’s right! We are starting off the ‘Why are we watching this?’ cycle with the Uwe Boll film House of the Dead. This cycle will be top to bottom trash that we don’t want to watch. Uwe Boll fits the bill. Yay? Let’s go!

House of the Dead (2003) – BMeTric: 90.1; Notability: 29

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 0.8%; Notability: top 26.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 1.7%; Higher BMeT: The Room, Gigli; Higher Notability: Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, Gods and Generals, Bad Boys II, The Matrix Revolutions, Hollywood Homicide, Scary Movie 3, Brother Bear, Cheaper by the Dozen, Duplex, Timeline, Agent Cody Banks, View from the Top, Marci X, Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, National Security, Cradle 2 the Grave, Head of State, Malibu’s Most Wanted, Mona Lisa Smile, Daddy Day Care, and 47 more; Lower RT: Dorm Daze, The Foreigner, Hangman’s Curse, Gold Diggers; Notes: I did confirm, Uwe Boll never played on television in the 90s, which makes sense, all of his major films came in the 00s basically. Seen both the higher BMeTs, but I haven’t seen any of the lover RTs which is crazy. Well … not that crazy, I don’t think any of those four were released widely, so they’d have to be Friends.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Low-grade horror movie, based on the video-game series, which charts the all-to-predictable fates of some addle-brained young people drawn to an island inhabited by zombies. Sloppily made and mind-numbingly inept. Prochnow’s character is named Captain Kirk. How clever! Followed by a TV movie, House of the Dead 2.

(Slammed. I had to snag the maltin review for this one since I knew it would be a BOMB. They’ve been so rare over time I feel like.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htx3igt0ksk/

(Brought to you by SEGA lol. “Awful zombies”. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. “They are everywhere” lol. This trailer is hilarious.)

Directors – Uwe Boll – ( Known For: Postal; Assault on Wall Street; Rampage; Far Cry; Seed; Rampage: Capital Punishment; In the Name of the King: Two Worlds; 1968 Tunnel Rats; Rampage: President Down; Stoic; Blubberella; Attack on Darfur; Heart of America; In the Name of the King: The Last Mission; Blackwoods; The Final Storm; First Shift; Auschwitz; Sanctimony; Amoklauf; Future BMT: BloodRayne; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Alone in the Dark; House of the Dead; Notes: My understanding is his big budget career ended the instant they closed a German loophole for film financing. My vague understanding of how it would work: A person makes, say $200 million and owes $100 million in taxes. Instead though they “invest” $100 million in a Uwe Boll production which in turn is paid back to the production studio in various ways. The movie makes no money and The entire $100 million is a tax write off, but you make money from the back end and also in various payments during production as well for catering and stuff. Am I right? No idea, but it makes some sense. But alas, no longer possible either way. Only one more to go, phew.)

Writers – Mark A. Altman – ( Known For: Room 6; Free Enterprise; All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos; The Thirst; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Wrote for Dead or Alive 3, the video game, which is maybe how he ended up writing the screenplay for this.)

Dan Bates – (Notes: Apparently worked in the music industry prior to becoming a producer. This was the last film he produced.)

Dave Parker – ( Known For: Tales of Halloween; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Mostly an editor, and almost exclusively for horror films.)

Actors – Jonathan Cherry – ( Known For: Final Destination 2; Goon; What If; Goon: Last of the Enforcers; Wolfcop; The Novice; Die Alone; Another WolfCop; Love on the Side; Dark Match; SuperGrid; Future BMT: Kin; They; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Still acts in stuff, although I don’t specifically recognize anything. Love for Starters looks fun/dumb: “To save her father’s lake-front restaurant, a talented interior designer must partner with the celebrity chef her father hired without her knowledge to revamp the place before time runs out.” He’s the chef.)

Tyron Leitso – ( Known For: Assault on Wall Street; Far Cry; Seed; BMT: House of the Dead; Notes: Was one of the main characters in Wonderfalls, a show that looked so interesting and good back in the day, then no one watched it and it got cancelled.)

Clint Howard – ( Known For: Solo: A Star Wars Story; Apollo 13; How the Grinch Stole Christmas; Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me; Austin Powers in Goldmember; Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian; The Jungle Book; Cinderella Man; Frost/Nixon; Backdraft; Splash; That Thing You Do!; Cocoon; Far and Away; The Rocketeer; Parenthood; Terrifier 3; Edtv; The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh; Future BMT: The Waterboy; Fun with Dick and Jane; Gung Ho; BMT: Halloween; Tango & Cash; Little Nicky; The Cat in the Hat; The Dilemma; House of the Dead; Barb Wire; Notes: He has the best career. Just does random stuff and looks weird doing it half the time. He was in Seinfeld, when the go to L.A., in in Star Trek, in Terrifier 3. Just great stuff.)

Budget/Gross – $12,000,000 / Domestic: $10,249,719 (Worldwide: $13,818,181)

(Hmmmm, yeah that sounds right I guess. Doesn’t really jive with what I said, but possibly the idea is the Budget is $12 million, but the investment is larger or something? I don’t really get how you avoid taxes when you don’t lose that much money, but maybe it is to avoid like … $1 million in taxes?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 3% (2/59): A grungy, disjointed, mostly brainless mess of a film, House of the Dead is nonetheless loaded with unintentional laughs.

(I mean, I don’t really agree, in that I find Uwe Boll films to be surprisingly humorless, intentional or not. It just makes you sad to realize there was this machine consuming IP and spitting out garbage intentionally.)

Reviewer Highlight: To properly convey the jaw-dropping shoddiness of this videogame-based ‘horror’ ‘movie,’ one must approach what scientists call Absolute Stupid. – Scott Brown, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – House of the Judge Dredd

(It’s funny this came out in 2003 because I remember being kind of creeped out by the DVD box in the local video store. Tells you how far I’ve come with horror as a genre. Anyway, I actually like the red tone and the font. Doesn’t give a whole lot, but it’s still perfectly fine. B.)

Tagline(s) – You won’t last the night (C-)

(Given what I now know about this film, the tagline and the poster are very strange. Definitely seems like they made everything based on the video game and then Uwe Boll just… did what he wanted. That’s fine, probably, as reading about the plot of the video game makes me think they might have been sued by the makers of Resident Evil if they hewed too closely. Oh and the tagline is meh.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Snow White (2025), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

Future BMT: 99.4 Snow White (2025), 96.4 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.1 BloodRayne (2005), 88.1 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.1 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 79.6 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.8 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.2 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), House of the Dead (2003), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Slender Man (2018), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Crossroads (2002), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (Uwe Boll): 90.2 House of the Dead (2003), 89.1 BloodRayne (2005)

(Yup, now we only have one more to go (and then however many of his other films we’d consider doing as Friends, which is maybe only one or two I think, although there are quite a few direct-to-video sequels which we’d have to think about).)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 22) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jürgen Prochnow is No. 9 billed in House of the Dead and No. 4 billed in Primeval, which also stars Orlando Jones (No. 3 billed) who is in Say It Isn’t So (No. 3 billed) which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (9 + 4) + (3 + 3) + (1 + 2) = 22. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 20.

Notes – Reviews were so bad that Danish cinemas refused to show it.

This is the last film to use the turn-table technique for 360° shots. The risk of actors being hurt or killed by the fast-moving camera was too high.

Jonathan Cherry burned 30% of his hand on the second day of shooting. The scene on the bridge, where he hurts his hand, was shot later, to explain the bandage he had to wear.

Thirty-two video clips from the original game appear in several parts of the movie. Twenty-six appear during the 10-minute battle in front of the house. The remaining 6 are used as transitions prior to the battle.

When asked how she felt about getting naked for the first time onscreen in her swimming scene, Erica Durance said, “I was working on a show once where I had to play a character who was needy and whimsical, which was very different from my personality. That was more embarrassing because you really have to be vulnerable with your inner thoughts, whereas nudity is just about your body. It’s easier to shut yourself off outside than to really reveal your inner thoughts.”

Saw IV Recap

Jamie

Franchise Man will live foreeevvvveeerrrrrr! You can’t kill him because all you little piggies can’t get enough of your precious franchises. Oink oink oink. Eat up your Saw IV slop. I’ll gladly partake for I am lore incarnate! Saw is my bible of lore. No one has done it better than Jigsaw and his wacky traps. With that out of the way, I do have to acknowledge that we live in a wondrous time. We are years from entry after entry of dumb-as-rocks entries in franchises like Final Destination (fun) and Saw (less fun) that just fed its sequels into the BMT machine. Because who gives a shit, right? It’s just a bunch of rube goldberg death traps (in both cases). Just kill some people in fun and/or unpleasant ways and yada yada yada profit. And somehow we are now getting good entries in the series. Isn’t that cool?… and yet, is it also not part of a BMT disease. Did I say Franchise Man will live forever? Maybe not if every dumb movie is now good. Then he will die.

To recap, you must bear with me. It appears that this film was designed as some kind of nefarious trap for Franchise Man. I fear I might die in an attempt at an accurate recap. So really the film starts with Detective Rigg, a hot head devastated by the death of his partner at the hands of Jigsaw, getting kidnapped. It’s implied that there is another apprentice to Jigsaw that is the key to everything we’re seeing (since at the end of Saw III we saw Amanda get killed). Rigg is warned that he better listen and not be a hothead detective or else things will end badly. He proceeds to be a big ol’ hothead and things continually end badly for him. Meanwhile we see Detective Hoffman (someone who has warned Riggs about the aforementioned hotheadedness) and Detective Donnie Wahlberg (of Wahlburgers fame) kidnapped and set up to be electrocuted or crushed or some shit. Meanwhile to this meanwhile, the FBI are tracking stuff down and we get a bunch of backstory about Jigsaw and how he was a loving husband turned crazy by not only his cancer but the miscarriage of his child. Through this backstory they are able to slowly track Rigg through his trial and it’s implied that by doing this they will ultimately kill an innocent man. Rigg gets to the location where Wahlberg and Hoffman are being held and despite being told to not be a hothead he hotheadingly barges into the room, resulting in Wahlberg getting his head smashed by giant blocks of ice (Cooool! Rad!). Hoffman rises up and reveals that he is in fact the apprentice (what a twist!). Meanwhile, the FBI gets lost like a bunch of dumbos and kills Jeff (a character from Saw III) thus revealing that all this happened simultaneously to Saw III and it’s really cool and we love it. THE END (or is it? (Come on))

Saw IV. Come on. How is it that a franchise that should be built on the premise of “none of this matters” somehow makes everything matter in the most insane(ly dumb) way possible. I have to admit, there is a certain beautiful satisfaction in watching the movie spin itself into a knot around a Lost-esque flashsideways. But when everyone is so very dumb and everything is so very cheap and the traps just don’t even try to make sense then I have to say it: fundamentals. Focus on the fundamentals Saw IV. Either that or just keep getting dumber. I want rocks to look like geniuses next to these movies. Do it Saw. In actuality, the fact that Saw X got good reviews should be devastating. Just when you make me want it to be dumber, you make it less dumb? No fair. As for Vibrations. Uh, cha. This is what we call a Friend. It’s a wild time on VHS. Just to highlight one moment in a consistently insane film, at one point a friend of the main character (who helped him with his robot hand situation) lets him use his special speaker that is so powerful that he implies it could kill people or something. And me and Patrick looked at each other and were like “wouldn’t it be so funny if in the end he sets up the people who took his hands so they get killed by the speaker?” and then that more or less played out exactly like that. And yes… it was so funny.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Jigsaw: not a good person, husband, or potential father. I really don’t think enough time is spent making sure the audience understands that Jigsaw, despite the backstory we are being treated (and I mean, treated) to, does not in fact have justification for killing all those people. In fact almost no time has been spent making sure that is clear and all the time has been spent trying to convince us that he was just a broken man driven to desperate measures to make sure people appreciate life. And I say ‘No!’ This hot take has been paid for by the Committee to Make Sure People Understand Jigsaw is Not Good. Hot Take Temperature: Burning coals in your eyes unless you let mice eat your ears off in the next fifteen seconds.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me screaming as my fingers are torn off or whatever AAARGH AAAAAAH ARRRRRRRGH* Let’s go!

The Good? The further you get into Saw the more ridiculous it gets and, somehow, the less revolting it ends up being. The tricks are so obviously stupid and semi-unwinnable you just sit there waiting for whatever like … pig bile to melt someone’s face off or something. All in the service of a dumb twist where it turns out Mr. Saw’s childhood friend is actually a copycat Saw killer or something. Then we all clap and go home.

The Bad? These movies are garbage. I kind of mean that in the best possible way (I guess…). They have such flimsy premises and they are specifically so obviously constructed to service a single goal (seeing dem torture devices babyyyyy), that that is part of the charm. But as actual movies? Trash. Even as horror films? Double trash. Because they aren’t scary, and even compared to other torture porn films they are quite tame. I didn’t feel sick to my stomach once while watching this film! What are we even doing here? If I can eat a sandwich while watching your film then you didn’t do it right. Fact. The acting is terrible, the premise is terrible, the film is terrible. Slammed.

The BMT? I don’t think so. I think there is going to be one Saw film which is well and truly BMT. This is dumb, but it hinges too much on prior films to be a film you’d ever revisit and revel in. That’s just a fact, Jack.

I’ve decided to, for now, revisit the idea of sifting through letterboxd reviews for something interesting. I tried initially to have it find the “weirdest” review, but it just returned aggressively unfunny reviews. So I call this “Hey Letterboxd, convince me this film isn’t garbage.” Here is the example of a good review for this film:

This is it right here. This ties up the loose ends of the previous three films and feels like a fresh start for the franchise, complete with more melodrama, Hoffman, and more frenzied intricacies within the storytelling that is clearly being written with future films mapped out—this is where the Saw lore becomes the Charlie Kelly Pepe Silva meme. I liked the peppering in of Kramer’s backstory and the quick pacing and editing are standouts, hiding what needs to be hidden…

There we go. The Pepe Silva thing … sounds bad, but I guess it is like the lore becomes such a thick fog and I can eat it up with a spoon and I unironically love how insane it gets. You know, the scene transitions and editing are a big thing among the good-ish reviews somehow. Honestly, can’t say I noticed.

I think in the end the only thing we can give this film is the Saw staple Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that the film takes place at the same time as the third film (I think) and that the main guy is the partner to Wahlberg. What a twist. It like … almost doesn’t make sense it is such a good twist. This film is Bad as I explained above.

As for our Friend this week Vibrations: uh yes please, may I have another serving of someone getting their hands chopped off in a ridiculous way and then getting robot hands and becoming an electronic music legend? This movie is actually somewhat famous on the internets for its crazy concept and oddly famous cast (well … it has Christina Applegate and one of the guys from Twin Peaks, those are famous people right?). And coincidentally this film also marks the first time a VHS popped up on RedLetterMedia’s Best of the Worst series where I was like “I own that VHS!” The film is surprisingly heartfelt and non-ridiculous for most of the first half which is amusing in its own way, but once he basically becomes a robot the film gets shockingly entertaining all the way up to the Chekov’s killer speakers in the end. Spoiler: he doesn’t kill them, he just blasts their ears a bunch and then gets them arrested. So that is good I guess. B, I would watch it again, but it is a little slow because the film is actually only notable for the robot hands which don’t come into play until the back half of the film.

Read all about … torture chambers maybe? In the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Saw IV Quiz

Arrrrghhhhhhhh! ARGGHHHHH! My hands!!!! Let’s go!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) At the beginning of the film, information is revealed to a detective using a Microcassette, a technology invented by the company Olympus in 1969. That company got caught up in a Tobashi scheme in 2011 after firing their CEO abruptly. What is a Tobashi scheme?

2) Donnie Wahlberg’s character is named Eric Matthews. That is the same name as the older brother character in Boy Meets World. As Wikipedia points out, the character started as merely a suave older brother, but then in the fourth season transitions fully into a “crazy moron”. Named after a character in an animated sitcom, what is this process typically called when a character becomes more and more defined by a single trait over the course of a television program?

3) What about a question about another 4th installment: Lethal Weapon 4. In that film Murtaugh has to come to terms with Detective Lee Butters becoming his son-in-law. What famous comedian played Butters?

4) One of the surprising bits of Saw lore is that Shawnee Smith’s Amanda character isn’t in very many of the films (only five of the ten films). Another film she was in was what Kurt Vonnegut adaptation starring Bruce Willis (a BMT qualifier surprisingly)?

5) This movie is technically a side-quel, in that it takes place during the events of the fourth film. Another famous sidequel is a point-and-click adventure game called [Blank]: Escape from DeVil Manor. What fills in the blank?

Bonus NYTimes Listing Question: We talking about Phase IV? No, well that played at 6:35PM on Cinemax on January 17, 1995. Later that night this played:

What is this film?

Answers

Saw IV Preview

Back in the jury room, Wrestlemania is steamed. Beet red, a vein pulsating on his forehead, he lunges at Jamie accusing him of sabotaging his attempts to attend Wrestlemania. The rest of the jury hold him back. He’s still the last hold out and Jamie has one more trick up his sleeve, but he’s afraid it might break Wrestlemania’s sanity. “This has nothing to do with Wrestlemania, this is about a man’s life,” he states solemnly. Suddenly the gravity of the situation dawns on Wrestlemania’s face and his shoulders sag. “But… but he’s guilty,” he rasps weakly, his eyes pleading with Jamie to not make him change his vote. Jamie sighs. Time for the grand finale. They return to the courtroom and Jamie walks to the front of the room. “Ladies and gentlemen. We are asked to believe that this man… this boy… escaped the crime scene via elite parkour skillz.” Everyone nods. There was no doubt about that. “But look at the arms and legs of the accused. Do they look like they are capable of elite parkour moves?” A murmur arises from the crowd. Now that they look closely, the boy does seem rather weak. “Look at my arms and legs,” Jamie says, snapping off his snap-off track suit. The murmur grows louder and reaches ear-splitting proportions as he demonstrates some of the necessary parkour moves by scrambling around on the walls and ceiling of the courtroom. Wrestlemania stands, wild eyed and foaming at the mouth. “I didn’t want to have to do this! This could have been easy!” Jamie lands in front of him, “You saw them, didn’t you? You saw both the accused and murderer on that day. Who are you protecting?!” Jamie bellows. “I didn’t see two people,” Wrestlemania insists, “I saw four.” That’s right! We’re also going to see four when we watch Saw IV. The Saw franchise may as well have been created by Franchise Man. What wasn’t created by Franchise Man? Another film where someone gets their hands chopped off: Vibrations. It’s a classic… in that it’s about a musician who gets his hands chopped off and then builds robot hands to become an electronic music wizard. As I said… classic. Let’s go!

Saw IV (2007) – BMeTric: 37.4; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.4%; Notability: top 8.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 17.0%; Higher BMeT: Epic Movie, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, Bratz, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, Daddy Day Camp, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, Postal, Delta Farce, Captivity, The Comebacks, Underdog, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Code Name: The Cleaner, The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising, Ghost Rider, Primeval, The Ten, and 21 more; Higher Notability: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Evan Almighty, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Fred Claus, Rush Hour 3, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Epic Movie, The Invasion, The Comebacks, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Lions for Lambs, Underdog, August Rush, Wild Hogs, The Reaping, Goal II: Living the Dream, Halloween, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, Next, The Game Plan; Lower RT: Daddy Day Camp, Epic Movie, Because I Said So, Code Name: The Cleaner, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Delta Farce, 88 Minutes, Good Luck Chuck, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, The Reaping, Silk, License to Wed, The Number 23, Premonition, Pathfinder, Postal, Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, Perfect Stranger, and 22 more; Notes:

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Jigsaw is dead, but his ingenious torture devices mysteriously continue with law enforcement agents Mandylor and Patterson on the trail. We also learn how and why a successful architectural engineer morphed into this Satan. Decent rebound from its lackluster predecessor, this entry is less claustrophobic than usual, though many performances are typically subpar – which is almost part of the perverse appeal.

(I’m actually a bit shocked he would give it such a good review. My impression was always that he didn’t like horror films and he especially didn’t like the ones which bordered on the torture genre. The beginning of the review sounded like he was reading ad copy for the film though, so maybe he didn’t write it …)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxwdZMMymqY/

(Mother flipping twisted! More like a teaser trailer, and doesn’t really get into the absurdity of this movie. In a way Saw IV is either the final film in a truly absurd four film arc. Or, it is the beginning of the late-stage Saw franchise after an initial self-contained trilogy. Either way, it is weird and wild stuff.)

Actors – Tobin Bell – ( Known For: Goodfellas; Saw; The Firm; Manhattan; Mississippi Burning; Tootsie; In the Line of Fire; The Road to El Dorado; The Quick and the Dead; Saw X; Sophie’s Choice; The Verdict; Malice; 12 Feet Deep; Boogeyman 2; An Innocent Man; The 4th Floor; Boogeyman 3; The Call; Belzebuth; Future BMT: Saw V; Saw 3D; Jigsaw; Boiling Point; Loose Cannons; BMT: Saw II; Saw III; Saw IV; Notes: He does have an interesting career, but I went through that for the last Saw films. Long story short: he didn’t really break out as an actor at all until he was quite old, and was never famous until Saw when he was in his 60s.)

Scott Patterson – ( Known For: Batman: Gotham by Gaslight; Her Best Move; Con Man; A Boy Called Hate; A Beer Tale; Future BMT: Saw V; Saw VI; Little Big League; Three Wishes; BMT: Saw IV; Notes: Was in 153 episodes of Gilmore Girls. He was also in the fifth and uncredited in the sixth.)

Louis Ferreira – ( Known For: Shooter; Dawn of the Dead; Naked Lunch; Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II; Life on the Line; The Marsh; Scenes of the Crime; Chestnut: Hero of Central Park; Blood & Donuts; Savage Messiah; The Lazarus Child; The Big Slice; Fallen Arches; Future BMT: Stella; BMT: Saw IV; Cocktail; Notes: Has been in a ton of television shows. Including one, improbably, called 1-800-Missing. This is a little like how once, in college, I was up until 3AM doing some homework, and suddenly a very random TV show came on. It looked a little like Criminal Minds, but it was the worst acting I’d ever seen … I never figured out what it was. Could have been 1-800-Missing.)

Budget/Gross – $10 million / Domestic: $63,300,095 (Worldwide: $139,352,633)

(My god. And that is why they’ve made a good ten films of this mega franchise. It just converts $10 million dollar bills into $100 million dollar bills.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 18% (15/83): Saw IV is more disturbing than compelling, with material already seen in the prior installments.

(… Like literally? Literally there is material from prior installments in it. But also yes, the film is ludicrous and doesn’t really tread too much new ground. But how can you when the entire point of your franchise is to be as gross as possible?)

Reviewer Highlight: The reports of torture porn’s demise may have been greatly exaggerated, but this fourth entry in the mutilate-yourself-or-die series joins what may be the worst genre of the decade: the lamely ”sympathetic” serial-killer backstory. – Owen Gleiberman, EW

Poster – Saw IV: The Final Chapter

(I don’t really believe this is the official poster, but we err on the side of IMDb. Is this supposed to somehow be sexy? Like why is this pig masked person wearing those boots? This whole thing makes me uncomfortable. NC-17.)

Tagline(s) – It’s a Trap (F)

(Oh, come on.)

Keyword(s) – top BMeT

Top 10: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Green Lantern (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Batman Forever (1995), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Ghost Rider (2007), The Happening (2008), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), The Mummy (2017)

Future BMT: 96.3 Disaster Movie (2008), 93.6 Date Movie (2006), 90.7 Vampires Suck (2010), 90.1 House of the Dead (2003), 89.0 BloodRayne (2005), 87.9 Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023), 86.9 Street Fighter (1994), 86.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 84.1 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 83.1 Inspector Gadget (1999), 81.5 You Got Served (2004), 80.0 Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (2009), 80.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 79.5 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 79.4 Home Alone 3 (1997), 79.3 Boogeyman (2005), 78.7 Shark Night (2011), 78.2 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012), 78.1 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Catwoman (2004), Jack and Jill (2011), Batman & Robin (1997), Son of the Mask (2005), The Room (2003), The Emoji Movie (2017), Cats (2019), Gigli (2003), Scary Movie V (2013), Alone in the Dark (2005), Jaws: The Revenge (1987), The Last Airbender (2010), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), The Wicker Man (2006), Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966), Madame Web (2024), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Slender Man (2018), Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), Jaws 3-D (1983), Troll 2 (1990), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), The Cat in the Hat (2003), The Avengers (1998), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), The Fog (2005), Fantastic Four (2015), Rollerball (2002), Baby Geniuses (1999), Spice World (1997), From Justin to Kelly (2003), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Norbit (2007), …

Best Options (imdb-keyword-severed-hand): 74.2 The Spirit (2008), 71.1 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 59.3 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.0 Legion (2010), 57.2 Robin Hood (2018), 50.8 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)

(Wait … that many bad films have severed hands in it. Fun fact: Saw IV doesn’t really have a severed hand. It is like … a whole person is torn apart, which I guess technically means his hand was severed, but it isn’t really that. But Vibrations DEFINITELY has exactly two severed hands.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tobin Bell is No. 1 billed in Saw IV and No. 1 billed in Saw II, which also stars Donnie Wahlberg (No. 2 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 6 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 6) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 17. If we were to watch Mobsters we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – The seamless transitions between separate scenes in the film were not created using digital effects, but were done practically. For these transitions, the sets were built in such a way that two separate scenes could be filmed in one shot without interruption.

A coroner was on set at all times for the autopsy scene.

The autopsy scene was passed completely uncut by the MPAA.

In the making of the “Mausoleum Trap”, prosthetic thread was used on both actors. Louis Ferreira really couldn’t speak during filming; however, Kevin Rushton could actually see.

The Tobin Bell body cast used in the autopsy scene took two weeks to be constructed.

D3: The Mighty Ducks Recap

Jamie

We talking D3? I remember this film being both a massive disappointment and also specifically having some of the best stuff in the entire series. All dem pranks? That’s my jam. This should have been 80% pranks and fooling around on the ice. Even before the rewatch, if you had asked me what I remembered from this film it would have been the shift from it being the Bombay show (kind of embarrassingly so in the second one) to it being entirely about the kids. Which is… you know… kinda how a Mighty Ducks film should be. Isn’t it weird how pretty much every underdog kids sports film is mostly about the coach and how much he learns about some personal demon of his. Why are The Goonies and The Sandlot and Stand By Me so iconic? Just look at who those stories are about. Mighty Ducks just got there one film too late.

To recap, the Quack Attack is back, Jack! This time they are heading to high school. In what appears to be an elaborate publicity stunt, the prestigious Eden Hall Academy gives full scholarships to the whole team to be their JV team. This is at the expense of any and all other players who might have wanted to play JV (lol, what?). The Ducks are ready to quack their way through another fun year, but are sorely disappointed to find that Gordon Bombay isn’t their coach! Instead it’s some nerd named Ted Orion. Sounds like a guy who couldn’t hack it in the NHL. Between beefing in a prank war with the Varsity team and beefing with their coach who doesn’t want to give Charlie the captainship, the Ducks are having it rough. Doesn’t help that Banks is recruited straight to Varsity. After a game one rout turns itself into an embarrassing tie, the Varsity challenges the Ducks to a scrimmage. This is a total debacle, which results in Orion declaring the Ducks dead. Charlie and Fulton quit in protest. When Hans suddenly dies, Charlie and the team attend his funeral and Bombay confronts him about his choice. He reveals that Orion wasn’t a big ol’ quitter, but rather quit hockey to care for his ailing daughter. Charlie decides to play hockey right and Orion welcomes him back. The school tries to take away their scholarships, but Bombay acts as their lawyer and keeps them in school. When the big JV-Varsity game comes up it’s a hard fought battle. With the game 0-0 Charlie gets a chance to score it, but using what he’s learned from Orion, he passes to Goldberg (now a defenseman) who scores a wide open goal to win. THE END.

Franchise Man here and hold onto your hats… this is the best film in the series. Let me be very clear, I mean that this is the best of the Mighty Ducks films to actually follow the framework of a typical film. The first is all weird with its focus on Bombay. The second throws all rules and regulations out the window. The third… it’s dealing with the idea of these kids from the wrong side of the tracks getting an opportunity at an education. They are being asked to play two way hockey and deal with being JV when they are kind of famous. The movie is pretty shitty, other than the prank scenes, but it’s more like an actual script than the second one. Interestingly, still about branding. It’s a little unclear, but it seems like the board approved bringing in the Ducks because they were famous. If anything I would have liked them to lean into that more. Instead of Bombay coming in for some bullshit lawyer scene I would have liked him to come in and be like “we know you brought them in for publicity… well it’s not going to look great when we take how you treated them to the media.” They also simply needed bigger stakes. How can you go from the Jr. Goodwill Games to a Varsity-JV scrimmage? Come on. Overall, F for nostalgia. A positive shrug for actual quality.

Hot Take Clam Bake! I don’t think Charlie and… uh… that girl he likes are going to make it. First of all, I don’t remember her name. Second of all, she’s like a total nerd who is into education and taking down Eden Hall’s outdated mascot: The Warriors, while Charlie is delusional enough to think he could go from Spazway all the way to the NHL when he can’t even make Varsity over Banks. I don’t think she’s going to take kindly to the hundredth time he tells her he doesn’t need school because of his future in the NHL. He needs to get his priorities straight, refocus on crew, get into Yale and then join some bone-related secret society (What could go wrong!). Finally, they are in high school (freshmen at that) and that’s… that’s just not realistic, now is it? Hot Take Temperature: The Flying V.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! *Gif of me being a total douche to my coach for no reason. You don’t know me old man! Quack! Quack! Qua … no one else? Not even you Goldberg?* Let’s go!

The Good? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm … This is tough because there might honestly be nothing. The film is kind of a perfect storm of very concerning decisions which (very naturally) completely killed the franchise for like 20 years. Maybe the low-stakes-ness of it all makes more sense than D2 and there is at least some admission that the only players who might actually “make it” to any degree is Banks (since he’s the most skilled) and Charlie (by sheer willpower). That makes a lot of sense to me. Oh, and Goldberg is finally benched and eventually moved to defense. FINALLY!

The Bad? Again, let’s go through the odd decisions. Bombay bounces and basically isn’t in much of the film (or so it seems, see later analysis). The school completely bails on the Ducks after like two losses (ridiculous). Killing off Hans is fine but like where is Jan?! Changing the setting from high-stakes Los Angeles back to the lowest of low stakes of JV hockey at a private school in Minneapolis is truly nuts. No new characters is also a mistake. Now that I’ve spelled it all out if you can get through those few issues there actually isn’t as much bad stuff as I remember. There is just no good stuff.

The BMT? I think this is Bad. The fun part is that this means the trilogy is a perfect BMT trilogy. The first one is Good. The second is BMT. And the third is Bad (and kills the franchise). It is actually precisely what I think trilogies should strive for.

Oooooo I actually did this AI analysis a very long time ago. So how Google Gemini (at least used to) work was if you sent in a video it would split it into single frames at one second intervals. I found this amusing since that is what I did anyways to analyze this movie. Specifically, I wanted to know: hey, Emilio Estevez is the top billed person in D3 … but how much of the movie is he actually in? The answer: well, probably somewhere between 5-10%. Given I deleted the burned DVD long ago I can’t confirm things, but I do know an inordinate number of positive identification of Emilio were false positives because the AI system seemingly can’t tell the difference between Emilio Estevez and Jeffery Nordling aka Coach Orion. Dumb AI. Anyways, “Emilio” appears specifically in around 500 frames of the film. I think you can say the false positive rate could be as much as 50% given what I recall, and the frames versus “existing in the scene” you could maybe increase things by 50% as well, so the safest rough analysis I can give you months later is: Emilio Estevez is top billed in D3 despite only appearing in 5-10% of the film. Anthony Hopkins appeared in about 13% of Silence of the Lambs (and famously won the Best Actor Oscar for it). This felt similar, and indeed, I think the numbers are probably pretty close in the end.

Might as well complete the trilogy with Planchet (Who?) for Goldberg who again just gets continually dunked on. A Setting as a Character (Where?) for some prestigious prep school in Minneapolis. I’m going to throw a Chekov’s Scholarship (Why?) in there for the scholarships they give all the Ducks which certainly won’t come to bite the school in the ass once ultra-lawyer Bombay shows up. And I kind of love the Worst Twist (How?) whereby for whatever reason Portman isn’t in the vast vast majority of the film riiiiiiight up until the end when he shows up and walks onto the JV team.

Read all about … Minnesota High School Hockey maybe? In the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs