Bad Movie Twins

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Recap

Jamie

The Rise of the Silver Surfer is a true BMT conundrum. On the one hand it was a sequel to a bad superhero film that seemed to buy into the “more is more” principle of franchises. On the other hand it involves the Silver Surfer, suggesting that they were also buying into the “go big or go home” principle of BMT/Franchise Man. Will it be bad or will it be BMT? That’s the question. The Silver Surfer seems like a tricky choice for a second film. Is he cool or is he lame? Is bringing a space monster into the mix a bit much? He’s an alien on a surfboard… that can’t be right… right? But as I learned many years later watching The Avengers in theaters, as CGI aliums poured out of a hole in the sky, as everyone around me seems totally cool with that turn of events in their big action film… I realized at that moment that, wait a second… lame stuff is… good now? Lame stuff is now good, I guess. And I’ve been enjoying lame stuff ever since. So I guess it’s kind of neither bad nor BMT… it just might be lame (which is good).

To recap, the Fantastic Four are back, Jack! And boy are they having trouble putting on a wedding. Egad! Sue Storm is increasingly frustrated by Reed because he’s always got his head in the clouds trying to save the world. Unfortunately as their wedding approaches (and just after he busts a groove at his mean bachelor party) he is asked to investigate mysterious, surfing related events across the globe. He says, “No!” he’s got a wedding to plan… but secretly he does anyway. So when the wedding day arrives he is all set up to track the mysterious surfer… just in time for the surfer to crash the wedding and destroy Reed’s creation. Sue. Is. Pissed. But they got bigger fish to fry cause the surfer, the Silver Surfer that is, is taking a chunk out of Earth. They gear up to track him, but they aren’t the only ones. Is that Dr. Doom’s music? Yes, he’s alive, and yes, the Silver Surfer helpfully turns him back into a human. They reluctantly team up to develop a way to trap the Surfer by separating him from his surfboard (oddly, that’s also my only weakness). They succeed, yay! But they also learn that he is in service to a world eater called Galactus who is just about to eat Earth (boo). Then, like a total dick, Dr. Doom double crosses them and steals the board (not the time, bro). They pursue him with the help of (the actually good) Silver Surfer who regains his board and with the help of Johnny flies his board into Galactus and that… uh… kills him I guess. Everyone is happy, Earth is saved, Sue and Reed get married, and the Silver Surfer is dead (or is he? (he’s not (but doesn’t matter cause the franchise is))). THE END.

This is definitely better than the first film even though the Fantastic Four is lamer and sillier than ever before. That’s because the Silver Surfer is way cooler than he has any right to be. He sounds like a child made him up, but there is something perfect in the undistilled unironicism of the character. He is silver, he rides a surfboard, he’s an alien, and he helps a cosmic entity eat planets. That’s some dumb shit, but you kinda need that dumb stuff to make this (very dumb) movie work a little bit. At least better than the first one. This is all despite having one of the worst scenes in cinematic history in Reed’s bachelor party. Horrible. Worse than the X-Games scene in the first one. Anyway, on the verge of being not that bad. As for the 1994 “unreleased” Fantastic Four film… uh… wtf, mate? They claim online that they never meant to release the film and I quibble with that. Clearly they were going to release the film… that was the threat. If their terms weren’t met they were going to release the film. 100%. It is wall-to-wall insanity and I kind of wish for history’s sake that it actually did get released. If I had to make a comparison I’d say straight-to-video Lawnmower Man 2… that’s the vibe.

Hot Take Clam Bake! And I mean hot. My take is two fold. Sue Storm and Reed Richards are in it for the long haul because they have super powers that allow them to (putting it politely) make super love. The Thing and the Human Torch? Not so much. We are clearly heading for disaster. Two members of the crew are getting super freaky under the super sheets while the other two are monsters that might just kill their significant (or even insignificant) others. What is the conclusion here? US Government, get these maniacs under control! That’s right, I’m right back at it. It’s me: guy who wants the government to take the Fantastic Four into custody. This is a ticking time bomb my friends. I don’t care how tender Ben Grimm and Alicia Masters’ pure, blind love is… he will be in a blind rage after he crushes her to death by accident. Hot Take Temperature: Ghost Pepper.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer? More like Bland-tastic Bore Too: Lies of the Silver Grifter! Amirite? Well … it’s better than nothing. Let’s go!

Right off the bat I’ll say that I found this film to be a lot better than the first one. Or at least better. “A lot” might be pushing it. But still, it felt better.
The Human Torch seemed a bit toned down which was nice.
The power-swapping was good in principle, although in practice The Human Thing didn’t work well at all (although a solid gag).
The film does have probably the worst scene in the film with Mr. Fantastic’s bachelor party dance sequence. Inexplicable. Hollywood Badass Bar to the extreme. Bad effects. It had it all! I wonder how much higher the Rotten Tomatoes score would have been by just removing that scene and nothing else. I’d call it the Fantastic Cut, and people would be scratching their heads trying to figure out the 30 seconds of footage that were removed.
Who am I kidding, obviously people would immediately be like “WHERE’S THE DANCE SCENE!?” and freak out about it.
Biggest complaint about the film was bringing back Dr. Doom. Actually strike that. The biggest complaint is bringing back Dr. Doom and then magically making him look the same as he did before using Silver Surfer powers. That was ultra dumb.
The Silver Surfer was solid though. One of the rare he’s-bad-oh-wait-he’s-actually-good bad guys in a comic film. Although if you know anything about anything in comics it is obvious Silver Surfer is a tragic figure and not really a villain.
For Bring a Friend we then tripled up (what what!) on our fantastic weekend and watched Fantastic Four (1994). This is an insane story. So some guy owned the rights to The Fantastic Four for years and in 1995 the rights were going to expire if he didn’t make a movie. Oddly, the requirement to make a movie didn’t actually require him to release a movie … small oversight. So this guy enlists Roger Corman to put together a Canadian production with Canadian soap opera actors and this film was born. It was then shown in a few private screenings and thrown in a vault. The fact that a copy exists on the internet at all is astounding. Almost mind-blowing. The movie itself is a marvel of bad effects, although I have to say, The Thing’s head is pretty cool for an early 90s animatronic thing. A bit boring, but definitely worth a watch just to see some of the really early Marvel stuff that was happening at the time. A. Just for the historical aspect of the film it is definitely worth a watch.
This film might have the best Product Placement (What?) I’ve ever seen in the fact that the crazy hovership thing the Fantastic Four fly around in is explicitly covered in Dodge Ram logos. The logos are everywhere, on the front, on the seats, just crazy stuff. Good NYC film for Setting as a Character (Where?). I think I’ll leave it there. Closest to BMT still I think, I just can’t bring myself to call this movie good despite it being entertaining, and the dance scene is too good to make the film straight bad.

Check out the big finale of the Brundlefly Jr. Saga in the two part Fantastic Four sequels in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fantastic Four (2005) Recap

Jamie

Sometimes our BMT eyes are a little bigger than our BMT mouths and Fantastic Four is one of those times. We didn’t just watch the first Fantastic Four. We didn’t just watch both Fantastic Fours. We got all that and a bag of potato chips with the original, never officially released Fantastic Four adaptation. It was a FF Fest that had us rock ‘n rolling all night and partying every day. And that’s really all that motivated all this. We just wanted to really sink our teeth into some 2000s magic. That of course also meant that I was knee deep into the 5 hour FF Fest and I looked over at the mirror that hangs in my BMT man cave and asked “who am I?” The answer? Franchise Man, babbbby. I love franchises.

To recap, Dr. Reed Richards is the smartest man alive… but also an asshole. As a result he’s a bit down on his luck just when a super cosmic event is passing Earth that will prove all his theories true! Oh no! He begs his very rich rival Dr. Von Doom to let him use his space station, which Doom delights in granting in part so he can flaunt the inclusion of his new GF ( and Reed’s ex-GF), Sue Storm, on the mission. Along for the ride are Reed’s friend Ben Grimm and Sue’s brother Johnny. They go up there, but oops! More berries. And by more berries I mean that the cosmic cloud has arrived early. Oh no! After getting owned by the cloud they wake up on Earth. Everything seems fine until Johnny starts spouting fire, Reed is stretching left and right, Sue is invisible, and Ben is a monstrous thing. The funniest part is when Ben tries to see his wife and basically the wife is like “gross” and runs away. Later on a sad Ben happens upon a disaster on a bridge and uses his grossness to save the day (with the help of his friends) and everyone is like, “Woah, those four are fantastic!”… except Ben’s wife who stops by just at that moment to throw her wedding ring on the ground. Ha! They all retreat to the Baxter building where Reed works on curing them. Johnny is not thrilled by the prospect but Ben is desperate and grows increasingly frustrated by the lack of progress. Doom, having lost his company in the disaster, but gained metal/electricity powers, decides to undermine Ben and Reed’s friendship. He uses his electricity power to help Ben use Reed’s curing machine to fix his condition. But it was all a ruse! Doom had realized the Thing was the only thing that could stop him. Now back to being normal he watches in horror as Doom does battle with his friends in a bid for power. Ultimately he willingly turns back into the Thing and joins the fray and together they are fantastic and are able to kill Dr. Doom. THE END… or is it? (It’s not).

When I saw the runtime on this sucker I thought I was dreaming. A blazing 106 minutes for a superhero movie? Sign me up and sign me down. I also think they did a good job with The Thing and Johnny. Opposite sides of the coin from acting and effects standpoint, but at those extremes the film did OK. Outside of that there was some trouble. Sue and Reed are pretty meh and it falls pretty hard into the origin story pitfall. The entire movie is spent giving them powers, having them agonize over those powers, and then at the very last minute having to use their powers to stop… the other guy who got powers. Just four dopes with powers wrecking a city. So some good, some bad, and a BMT whopper in the Thing’s wife being generally grossed out by him and dropping him like it’s hot.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The Fantastic Four should and would have been taken into custody by the US Government. There was a mission to space that resulted in five people gaining superpowers. One (just one!) got a little peeved and wrecked NYC. And they were helpless to stop it without the help of the other four superpeople. The moral of the story was that they should accept their powers. The government would have to step in and tell them that they can’t. Sorry. Much like Cameron Poe, they are now dangerous weapons. They wrecked a city in self defense and so they have to figure a few things out. Maybe if some alien comes along and there is some bigger threat to humanity they can be free (fat chance!) but until then they are doing research in some underground military base somewhere. Hot Take Temperature: Butch T.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Fantastic Four?! More like Bland-tastic Bore! AMIRITE?! Wow, that one actually works. Let’s go!

Man there are a lot of issues with this film. Although I think a lot of them are issues with how films like this are approached more so than the film actually being bad at the time. So I’m going to try and grade things on a Today Bad – Timeless Bad – 2000’s Bad scale. Basically, is this just bad all the time, was it bad at the time but not so much now, or bad now but not so much then. Get it? No. Let’s go.
Human Torch being a gross human being and a general asshole? Today Bad. Back then I’m sure Chris Evans guzzling some Mountain Dew and doing sweet tricks at the X Games while ogling the ladies and being a creep was cool as shit. And it helps that he’s the best part of the film from an acting / charm perspective. But today it is gross and doesn’t fly so well.
The Thing’s wife breaking up with him immediately? Timeless Bad. Not only is it poor storytelling where outside of being an unsupportive horrible person, the character has no development, the story goes out of its way to have the character show up out of nowhere to get a divorce?! The craziest scene in the film.
The Thing makeup – 2000s Bad. It actually looks kind of cool, but back in the 2000s apparently people thought it looked like crap?
The Human Torch effects – Today Bad. I’m sure at the time they thought it looked good. It doesn’t.
Mr. Fantastic effects – Timeless Bad. I’m sure people thought they looked good at the time, but deep inside they knew it looked like trash. Still does.
Invisible Woman getting naked for no reason – Today Bad. Can someone tell me what function Invisible Woman played in getting them across the barrier during the bridge scene by getting naked? No? No explanation since everyone else just ends up with her 14 feet away without anything happening?
Superhero baddies – Timeless Bad. Whenever I think of how the MCU started with Iron Man fighting … his boss? On a random street in NYC or something? I’ll remember how The Fantastic Four walked so Iron Man could run. Never in my life have I seen a more small potatoes battle than The Fantastic Four and Dr. Doom fighting over … I don’t know, control of a company or something maybe? Continuing having powers? Unclear really.
You know what, I’ll leave it there since this is already pretty long. As for some positives. As hammy as it all is I thought the acting was very game for the story they were telling. The film is pretty entertaining and goes at a quick pace. And as I said, Chris Evans is so charming it is no wonder they needed to fold him into the MCU elsewhere.
Solid Product Placement (What?) for the X Games in general which also ends with a lingering scene outside of the venue with huge billboards advertising Mountain Dew and junk. Solid Setting as a Character (Where?) for NYC where half of all superhero films are set. This is closest to BMT, just an undeniably entertaining garbage film.

I’ll leave the review for The Fantastic Four (1995) for the sequel review. Check out the big finale of the Brundlefly Jr. Saga in the two part Fantastic Four sequels in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Quiz

Oh man, so no I’m Mr. No Memory Man. A completely useless power. I have no memory. And now there’s a silver surfer guy? Wait … do I know this person? Shoot, I can’t remember. Do you remember what happened in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The Fantastic Four are back Jack! And they need to get to NYC stat. Why?

2) Hmmmmmm, something is up. In particular the Silver Surfer is in town. What happens right before and after the Silver Surfer appears?

3) But there is actually a bigger problem: what happens a few days after the Silver Surfer appears?

4) How do they separate the Silver Surfer from his sweet surfboard?

5) In the end, where does Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman get married?

Bonus Question: The Fantastic Four are off to fight a new threat at the end of the film? Who?

Answers

Fantastic Four (2005) Quiz

Oh jeez, so get this. I was in outer space (natch) running some ‘speriments (natch, that’s what we call them in the beautiful mind science biz), when suddenly because my goober friend miscalculated some figured I get a huge blast of cosmic radiation! So he became a rad Human Torch, whereas I’ve become Mr. No Memory Man. Do you remember what happened in Fantastic Four (2005)?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Wait … why do the not-yet-fantastic-and-actually-kind-of-annoying four go to space again?

2) Whoops, now they have super powers. You know what? I’m going to give you an easy one. Name all five superpowers?

3) After the Thing gets all sad (awwwwww) Mr. Fantastic vows to help him out. What is the plan to solve his problems?

4) What is the problem with the solution, and why does it get solved, by whom, and why does that person do it?

5) What is Dr. Doom’s dastardly plan that the Fantastic Four now need to foil?

Bonus Question: After the battle the Fantastic Four are chilling in their skyscraper when they hear a knock at the door. Who is it?

Answers

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Preview

Jamie looks down at the GMT Rulez. Rule #7 – Lotsa Twists. He crosses that off so it reads “Just One Well-timed Twist.” He looks back up at the drama unfolding in front of him. “Why don’t you tell him who you really are?” Patrick says, swirling his glass of scotch. Cowgirl Jamie looks between them and shrugs her shoulders, turning to Jamie. “Jeannie DuBois, ace reporter for the Times of Delaware. You have to understand major public interest stories don’t just walk into Delaware every day.” Jamie turns away, the stench of betrayal heavy in the air. “But I really did like you, Jamie. I really did want to watch Here on Earth with you. To understand you.” He stops her with a glance. “I can handle you just loving me for my rock hard abs. I can even understand you liking me because I’m famous… but please, have some respect for me and don’t lie about Here on Earth. I should have known when you said you thought every moment of Here on Earth was sexy that something was off. Is it sexy that Sam’s knee cancer came back at the very moment she found love with Kelley?” Jeannie flinches. “I didn’t think so. So please, just go,” Jamie spits. Patrick is already at the door. He pulls it open to allow Jeannie to leave and is shocked to see people waiting on the porch. “My word, is that Kyle from SexyMannequinTimes.com?!” Jeannie says, her eyes growing large, just before they push her out the door and pull Kyle and Rachel in for hugs. Patrick and Jamie are delighted. “The four of us back together again! Fantastic!” they scream, but there is nothing fantastic about the look on Kyle’s face. That’s right! We are finally sinking our teeth into the original Fantastic Four films. And I mean original. That’s because we aren’t just doing Fantastic Four and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer from the early 2000’s. They’re also bringing along their friend, the never released Fantastic Four adaptation from 1994. It was just a way to keep the rights to the film and it works… worked so well that we had to get it into BMT. Fantastic. Let’s go!

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) – BMeTric: 48.4; Notability: 109

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.4%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 36.7%; Higher BMeT: Epic Movie, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Norbit, I Know Who Killed Me, Bratz, Daddy Day Camp, Who’s Your Caddy?, Are We Done Yet?, Postal, Captivity, The Comebacks, Underdog, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Redline, Ghost Rider, The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Primeval, The Ten, License to Wed, and 6 more; Lower RT: Redline, Remember the Daze, Daddy Day Camp, Epic Movie, Kickin’ It Old Skool, Because I Said So, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, 88 Minutes, Good Luck Chuck, Full of It, Who’s Your Caddy?, Silk, License to Wed, The Number 23, The Reaping, Are We Done Yet?, Premonition, Mama’s Boy, Postal, Norbit, and 70 more; Notes: Wo, the number one notability film of 2007! A 100+ Notability is quite rare.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Sequel finds the earth imperiled by a mysterious force that is wreaking havoc with weather systems (and global landmarks), and making the impending N.Y.C. nuptials of Reed (Gruffudd) and Sue (Alba) difficult to plan. The culprit may be the Silver Surfer for possibly the returning Victor Von Doom (McMahon). A special-effectsapalooza masquerading as a feature film. Look for the comic’s cocreator Stan Lee as a party guest.

(Surprisingly up on the film. Given the Movie Guide always had to be terse due to the sheer amount of information it contains, it is somewhat surprising how flippant he is with “and global landmarks.” … is that supposed to mean something significant? I can’t figure out why that turn of phrase is in the review at all.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wiu5eZ_7vSY/

(That does look way cooler I have to say. The first looks dumb and has dumb music, this at least has normal trailer music and seems like it has a good bad guy.)

Directors – Tim Story – ( Known For: Barbershop; Think Like a Man; The Blackening; Hurricane Season; The Firing Squad; Future BMT: Think Like a Man Too; BMT: Fantastic Four; Tom and Jerry; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Shaft; Taxi; Ride Along; Ride Along 2; Notes: Oh wow, I didn’t know he was doing The Blackening. Actually looks like a fun movie. It is a horror movie starring an all black cast. The poster is pretty funny.)

Writers – Don Payne – ( Known For: Thor; Thor: The Dark World; Future BMT: My Super Ex-Girlfriend; BMT: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: He used to write on The Simpsons (and won four Emmys as part of that crew). Kind of funny how he ended up falling into superhero stuff.)

Mark Frost – ( Known For: The Greatest Game Ever Played; Storyville; Future BMT: The Believers; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: He did indeed write both of them, which is kind of surprising.)

John Turman – ( Known For: Hulk; BMT: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: I now know there was a Crow television series since he apparently wrote an episode of it. It looks awful. Very syndication-y like the Highlander series.)

Stan Lee – ( Known For: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania; Black Panther: Wakanda Forever; Ant-Man; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Avengers: Endgame; Thor: Love and Thunder; Spider-Man: No Way Home; Black Panther; Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness; Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse; The Avengers; Iron Man; Spider-Man; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Thor: Ragnarok; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Thor; Iron Man Three; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Spider-Man: Far from Home; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: Even after his death he was doing cameos in the Marvel films as they knew he wasn’t going to be able to continue due to his health. In the first he’s a mailman, in the second he plays himself.)

Jack Kirby – ( Known For: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania; Black Panther: Wakanda Forever; Ant-Man; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Avengers: Endgame; Black Panther; Eternals; Avengers: Infinity War; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; Captain Marvel; The Avengers; Iron Man; Captain America: Civil War; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Thor: Ragnarok; Thor; Iron Man Three; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; The Incredible Hulk; Future BMT: Justice League; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: He basically invented the Avengers including Black Panther, Captain America, and Thor.)

Actors – Ioan Gruffudd – ( Known For: Titanic; San Andreas; Black Hawk Down; Horrible Bosses; Ava; The Secret of Moonacre; The Professor and the Madman; W.; Playing It Cool; Wilde; Amazing Grace; The Gathering; Keep Watching; Fireflies in the Garden; Buttons, A New Musical Film; The Adventurer: The Curse of the Midas Box; This Girl’s Life; Forever; Stories USA; Shooters; Future BMT: King Arthur; 102 Dalmatians; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Sanctum; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2008 for 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Awake, and Good Luck Chuck; Notes: Appeared in the music video for Uptown Girl by the Irish boy band Westlife.)

Jessica Alba – ( Known For: Sin City; Never Been Kissed; Knocked Up; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Machete; Barely Lethal; The Killer Inside Me; The Sleeping Dictionary; Stretch; Some Kind of Beautiful; Meet Bill; Killers Anonymous; El Camino Christmas; The Ten; A.C.O.D.; The Veil; Dear Eleanor; P.U.N.K.S.; Paranoid; An Invisible Sign; Future BMT: Into the Blue; Awake; Entourage; Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World; Machete Kills; Idle Hands; Camp Nowhere; Honey; The Eye; Little Fockers; BMT: Valentine’s Day; Fantastic Four; Good Luck Chuck; Mechanic: Resurrection; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; The Love Guru; Escape from Planet Earth; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Supporting Actress in 2011 for Little Fockers, Machete, The Killer Inside Me, and Valentine’s Day; Nominee for Worst Actress in 2006 for Fantastic Four, and Into the Blue; in 2008 for 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Awake, and Good Luck Chuck; and in 2009 for The Eye, and The Love Guru; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2008 for 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Awake, and Good Luck Chuck; Notes: Met her future husband Cash Warren on the set of Fantastic Four, he was Tim Story’s assitant.)

Chris Evans – ( Known For: Ant-Man; Avengers: Endgame; Knives Out; The Gray Man; Don’t Look Up; Avengers: Infinity War; Scott Pilgrim vs. the World; Captain Marvel; Free Guy; Captain America: The First Avenger; The Avengers; Captain America: Civil War; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Not Another Teen Movie; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; Snowpiercer; Lightyear; Thor: The Dark World; Gifted; Future BMT: The Nanny Diaries; Street Kings; Push; What’s Your Number?; The Perfect Score; TMNT; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: Often appears with actors like Ben Affleck and John Krasinski when they need a gaggle of people to do bad Boston accents. Especially in things like SNL digital shorts.)

Budget/Gross – $130,000,000 / Domestic: $131,921,738 (Worldwide: $301,913,131)

(See, still not bad. I imagine not pulling in any more money despite spending more was the death knell for the series though. And Chris Evans apparently accepted the Captain America role while they were discussing the possibility of a third movie. I can’t imagine they would do a third without him, he was the best part of the first two by far.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 37% (64/172): While an improvement on its predecessor, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is nevertheless a juvenile, simplistic picture that has little benefit beyond its special effects.

(At least it is an improvement. For some reason I always had the impression that the second one was really bad and killed the series. Seems like it is not the case.)

Reviewer Highlight: The performances are plywooden, the cornball visual gags are groanworthy, and Tim Story still can’t direct his way out a sack with a map. – David Fear, Time Out

Poster – Sklogtastic Four: Rise of the Shiny Slider

(Guys. What are we doing here? This is a horrible poster. The first one was boring. This one is also boring but also insane. D- and only because the Silver Surfer is dope.)

Tagline(s) – Rise (What the F)

(Noooooo. Are you trying to kill me? What the fuck, guys? Just the one word… Rise? Dumb. That’s dumb. Have your brains broke?)

Keyword(s) – good

Top 10: Good Will Hunting (1997), The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), The Great Gatsby (2013), Hot Fuzz (2007), Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016), The Wizard of Oz (1939), Man on Fire (2004), Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

Future BMT: 67.1 Phat Girlz (2006), 63.2 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 60.7 Like a Boss (2020), 51.8 Playing with Fire (2019), 51.6 The Boss (2016), 51.1 Johnny Be Good (1988), 50.7 The Hot Chick (2002), 47.2 Barney’s Great Adventure (1998), 45.1 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 40.4 No Good Deed (2014), 39.5 Good Burger (1997), 37.2 The Great Wall (2016), 37.1 Stroker Ace (1983), 36.3 Milk Money (1994), 34.7 Mad Money (2008), 34.3 Mo’ Money (1992), 32.1 Good Deeds (2012), 31.3 The Nude Bomb (1980), 28.9 A Good Man in Africa (1994), 25.8 Two for the Money (2005)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Cool as Ice (1991), Cool World (1992), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Hot Pursuit (2015), The Fly II (1989), One for the Money (2012), Fire Down Below (1997), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Fire Birds (1990), Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), Good Luck Chuck (2007), Be Cool (2005), Fantastic Four (2005), Chill Factor (1999), Money Train (1995), Hot to Trot (1988), The Golden Child (1986), Righteous Kill (2008), Sweet Home Alabama (2002), The Wizard (1989), Fresh Horses (1988), Killer Elite (2011), Hunter Killer (2018)

Best Options (superhero): 48.4 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), 44.9 Fantastic Four (2005)

(Two more superhero films in the books. I looked it up at one point. I’m not terribly far off from having seen every single superhero film since 1980. It is a little demented.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 10) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jessica Alba is No. 2 billed in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer and No. 2 billed in Mechanic: Resurrection, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 10. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Jessica Alba wore a blonde wig because her hair had suffered from all the bleaching in Fantastic Four (2005).

The Silver Surfer was created by Doug Jones wearing a prosthetic suit developed by Spectral Motion, and a new VFX program from Weta Digital which augmented the Surfer’s reflective surface.

Jessica Alba, upon receiving criticism about her performance in this film, said that the director, Tim Story, told her “It looks too real. It looks too painful. Can you be prettier when you cry? Cry pretty, Jessica… Don’t do that thing with your face. Just make it flat. We can CGI the tears in.”

The forest scenes were shot in the same forest as was used in the first three “X-Men” movies.

The studio hated Doctor Doom’s make-up so he remains hidden under a cowl in most of his early scenes.

Originally, Laurence Fishburne was keen to provide the voice for Galactus. He happily switched to the role of the Silver Surfer when it was decided to make Galactus mute.

Plans for a third installment, as well as a Silver Surfer solo film, were discarded after this film flopped at the box office.

Was given a PG rating by the MPAA, the first Marvel film since Howard the Duck (1986) to earn this rating.

The Surfer speaks of “the one I love.” This refers to Shalla-Bal, who (in the comics) was Norrin Radd’s girlfriend before he became the Silver Surfer.

Andre Braugher turned down a supporting role in ER (1994) to take a part in this film.

For this outing, some slight revisions were made to the make-up of The Thing, giving him a larger brow and broader shoulders. This brought the design more in line with the then-recent comic book revision.

Susan worries about having a son with all the public scrutiny. In the comics, Reed and Susan Storm have a son named Franklin Benjamin Richards, who has telepathic powers.

Susan Storm’s wedding dress is a custom made design by the German luxury fashion brand Escada.

In 1980, producer Lee Kramer wanted to make a Silver Surfer rock opera starring his then-girlfriend Dame Olivia Newton-John with music by Sir Paul McCartney.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Jessica Alba, 2008)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Jessica Alba, Hayden Christensen, Dane Cook, Ioan Gruffudd, 2008)

Fantastic Four (2005) Preview

Fantastic Four (2005) – BMeTric: 44.9; Notability: 91

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 18.4%; Notability: top 0.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 27.5%; Higher BMeT: Son of the Mask, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D, The Fog, xXx: State of the Union, Boogeyman, Elektra, A Sound of Thunder, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Bewitched, Are We There Yet?, The Crow: Wicked Prayer, The Dukes of Hazzard, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, The Honeymooners, Stealth, Cursed, Dirty Love, Doom, and 26 more; Higher Notability: Kingdom of Heaven; Lower RT: The Crow: Wicked Prayer, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, The Fog, Chaos, Supercross, Yours, Mine & Ours, Son of the Mask, Underclassman, A Sound of Thunder, The Perfect Man, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Dirty Love, White Noise, Dirty Deeds, Sex and Breakfast, Man of the House, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Æon Flux, One Last Thing…, and 48 more; Notes: Amazing that any film would have a higher notability than this one for 2005, but there is Kingdom of Heaven.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – And the really good superhero movies, like “Superman,” “SpiderMan 2” and “Batman Begins,” leave “Fantastic Four” so far behind that the movie should almost be ashamed to show itself in the same theaters.

(Oh wow … you know, it is actually rather embarrassing that Fantastic Four and Batman Begins were put out in the same year. But the worst part is that they doubled down on the style! Surely it should be blatantly obvious that the cheesiness was no longer going to cut it at that point.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIx2jkXYu34/

(Oh wow this trailer is awful. But precisely in that 2005-frenetic-heavy-metal-music-video trailer. It is only at the end that is starts to look like a more normal halfway decent movie.)

Directors – Tim Story – ( Known For: Barbershop; Think Like a Man; The Blackening; Hurricane Season; The Firing Squad; Future BMT: Think Like a Man Too; BMT: Fantastic Four; Tom and Jerry; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Shaft; Taxi; Ride Along; Ride Along 2; Notes: Was a rapper at one point signed to Ice-T’s label. His rap name was M.C. Taste … in case this is some elaborate joke I’m just copying this off of IMDb. That is a crazy fact.)

Writers – Mark Frost – ( Known For: The Greatest Game Ever Played; Storyville; Future BMT: The Believers; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: Nominated for four emmys, once for Hill Street Blues, and three times as a writer and producer for Twin Peaks. Started out on the production crew of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.)

Michael France – ( Known For: GoldenEye; Hulk; Cliffhanger; Future BMT: The Punisher; BMT: Fantastic Four; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Cliffhanger in 1994; Notes: More prolific that this suggests, he was seemingly writing spec scripts all over the place. Wait? … We haven’t seen The Punisher for BMT. That seems impossible, we watched Punisher: War Zone in 2012! You know what, this is one of those films that we watched prior to BMT and then forgot about.)

Stan Lee – ( Known For: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania; Black Panther: Wakanda Forever; Ant-Man; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Avengers: Endgame; Thor: Love and Thunder; Spider-Man: No Way Home; Black Panther; Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness; Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse; The Avengers; Iron Man; Spider-Man; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Thor: Ragnarok; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Thor; Iron Man Three; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Spider-Man: Far from Home; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: Y’all know Stan Lee. There was a sad struggle over his estate prior to his passing as he was in declining health.)

Jack Kirby – ( Known For: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania; Black Panther: Wakanda Forever; Ant-Man; Ant-Man and the Wasp; Avengers: Endgame; Black Panther; Eternals; Avengers: Infinity War; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; Captain Marvel; The Avengers; Iron Man; Captain America: Civil War; Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2; Thor: Ragnarok; Thor; Iron Man Three; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; The Incredible Hulk; Future BMT: Justice League; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: One of the most significant comic writers in history and was especially known for his contributions to the silver age of Marvel comics.)

Actors – Ioan Gruffudd – ( Known For: Titanic; San Andreas; Black Hawk Down; Horrible Bosses; Ava; The Secret of Moonacre; The Professor and the Madman; W.; Playing It Cool; Wilde; Amazing Grace; The Gathering; Keep Watching; Fireflies in the Garden; Buttons, A New Musical Film; The Adventurer: The Curse of the Midas Box; This Girl’s Life; Forever; Stories USA; Shooters; Future BMT: King Arthur; 102 Dalmatians; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Sanctum; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2008 for 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Awake, and Good Luck Chuck; Notes: Welsh. Has done a lot of television in recent years including 30 episodes in the series Harrow as Dr. Harrow.)

Michael Chiklis – ( Known For: Don’t Look Up; The Do-Over; Hubie Halloween; Parker; Nixon; Rupture; 10 Minutes Gone; High School; Deathstroke: Knights & Dragons – The Movie; 1985; Rise: Blood Hunter; Pawn; Do Not Disturb; Taxman; Future BMT: Eagle Eye; When the Game Stands Tall; Wired; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Soldier; Notes: Won an Emmy for The Shield, which he’s mostly known for. I know is partially because the future BMT film Wired, the Belushi biopic, got him somewhat blacklisted from film for a while.)

Chris Evans – ( Known For: Ant-Man; Avengers: Endgame; Knives Out; The Gray Man; Don’t Look Up; Avengers: Infinity War; Scott Pilgrim vs. the World; Captain Marvel; Free Guy; Captain America: The First Avenger; The Avengers; Captain America: Civil War; Spider-Man: Homecoming; Not Another Teen Movie; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; Snowpiercer; Lightyear; Thor: The Dark World; Gifted; Future BMT: The Nanny Diaries; Street Kings; Push; What’s Your Number?; The Perfect Score; TMNT; BMT: Fantastic Four; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer; Notes: Straight out of Boston. And it would have looked like he was going to be known for being the Human Torch in the bad Fantastic Four films, but then he basically became the most famous superhero character ever, so whatever.)

Budget/Gross – $100,000,000 / Domestic: $154,696,080 (Worldwide: $333,535,934)

(Decent. No wonder it got a sequel. Impressive what $100 million used to buy you.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 28% (59/214): Marred by goofy attempts at wit, subpar acting, and bland storytelling, Fantastic Four is a mediocre attempt to bring Marvel’s oldest hero team to the big screen.

(Yeah, sounds about right. Especially the “goofy” part. I remember everything being about how dumb The Thing and other stuff looked in the film when it came out.)

Reviewer Highlight: If there was ever any doubt that action scenes depend more on context than flash, Fantastic Four proves it. – Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle

Poster – Sklogtastic Four

(This feels very early 2000’s. They wanted something sleek and cool… they certainly got something sleek. Those four look like they’re gonna slide right off that poster. More boring than bad, but I’m not offended by it. D+)

Tagline(s) – Prepare for the fantastic. (F)

(Ha. No. So you’re saying that I’m supposed to look at this poster and think “Fantastic Four… prepare for the fantastic.” That’s stupid. I actually am offended by that one.)

Keyword(s) – good

Best Options (superhero): 48.4 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), 44.9 Fantastic Four (2005)

(We are obviously doing both. We weren’t limited to Superheroes, but I did want to see if there were other options. You would think there would be more “obviously good” superheroes, but nope. I guess Superman would have counted, although I did generally limit myself to movies where the word was the whole word.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 10) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jessica Alba is No. 2 billed in Fantastic Four and No. 2 billed in Mechanic: Resurrection, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 10. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Stan Lee has said that Michael Chiklis’s Thing is his favourite performance in any “Marvel” film ever.

Jessica Alba had a kidney infection during the filming and nearly fainted when she was with Julian McMahon in the space station scene.

For most of the shoot, Michael Chiklis was terribly uncomfortable in the hot Thing suit. The final street battle, however, was filmed in Vancouver in December, leaving Chiklis as the only comfortable one of the four (the rest were in the skintight blue uniforms).

As part of his costume for The Thing, Michael Chiklis wore prosthetic teeth. To prepare himself to speak with the prostheses, Chiklis wore them when reading to his children.

Chris Evans improvised some of his dialogue.

Michael Chiklis was offered the role of Thing after Jennifer Garner suggested him for it.

The sequence of Johnny Storm morphing into a ball of flames and soaring over Manhattan took 4 months to create.

Thing notices puppets at Alicia’s art gallery and she says they belong to her father. In the comics, Alicia’s stepfather Philip Masters is the super-villain the Puppet Master, a foe of the Fantastic Four.

Paul Walker was considered for the part of Johnny Storm.

Jessica Alba dyed her hair blonde for this movie but wore a blonde wig for the second.

The scene on the bridge took about 5 weeks to shoot.

During development Chris Columbus pushed for the film to have a heavily comedic tone along the lines of the Batman (1966) TV series. Despite being hired because of his comedy background, Tim Story was able to persuade Columbus that going for an outright comedic tone would end in disaster, and pointed to the success of Spider-Man (2002) as proof that the film could still contain plenty of humor while having a generally serious overall storyline.

In the early 1990s Bernd Eichinger’s option on the rights to The Fantastic Four were about to expire, to avoid this he commissioned Roger Corman to make a film (The Fantastic Four (1994)) as quickly as possible so he could keep hold of the rights. This was mainly to thwart Chris Columbus who was after the rights at the same time. Corman’s version only cost $2 million, neither him or his cast and crew knew that the film was dumper-bound. It has however been seen in bootleg and download versions, with the general critical consensus being that it was a terrible movie.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Jessica Alba, 2006)

Arthur 2: On the Rocks Recap

Jamie

Why are we watching the sequel to Arthur this year? It does deserve some elaboration. We’ve played with meta themes the last few years. We had 90’s galore. We had future films. It’s really rooted in figuring out a good way to synthesize the BMT story with the penultimate Bring a Friend cycle. It’s an elaborate yearlong project and probably the unheralded achievement of our generation. So what is the theme this year? Arthur. It’s a big ol’ birthday for our dad this year and this kicks it off. Only makes sense that it starts with Arthur 2: On the Rocks. Not only does he rock, but this is really the only extremely straightforward film in the metacycle. The rest are built on Patrick’s research project involving the New York Times TV listings and so the “Daddio” films that are upcoming are mostly just a mix of films that aired on his birthday over the years. So sit back, pop some popping corn, and enjoy watching a somewhat annoying drunk person.

To recap, Arthur is back, Jack! And he’s drunker than ever. When his wife reveals that she can’t have children they gear up for adoption. But being a drunk asshole doesn’t mix with adoption so he has to tone it down. He does, that is until his family sells off the company to his archenemy, Burt Johnson, who takes all his money away and demands Arthur divorce Linda and marry his daughter Susan instead. Uh oh! He refuses (because that’s insane) and they end up broke. First they end up with Linda’s father, but Burt buys up the building and forces them out (ha!). Then Arthur finds a job, but Burt buys the company and gets him fired (haha!). Foiled at every turn, Linda fears about their chances at adoption and after getting a visit from Susan decides that the best thing for Arthur is for him to be free to marry Susan and get his money back. Devastated Arthur goes back to drinking and ends up homeless (hahaha!). He hits total rock bottom and has a vision of his dead butler Hobson, who tells him not to give up (for his fambly). Arthur puts his nose to the grindstone and sniffs out a bunch of dirt on Burt, but when he confronts him with it he is simply laughed at. Burt don’t care. Burt is immune babbbyyyy. He’s also ready to straight murder Arthur (hahahahaha!). At the last moment, though, Susan has a change of heart. She turns the tables on her father and threatens to reveal his many affairs unless he gives Arthur his money back. Now rich again Arthur returns to Linda and they get a new adopted baby, but that’s not all! Linda’s pregnant too! Awwwww. THE END

I did really enjoy the first film, although I often found Arthur himself a boor. I was also kind of thrown by how straightforward the film is. It’s love at first sight for him and Liza Minelli and that’s really all you need to grapple with. All that said, the butler was very funny, there were some good gags here and there, and Dudley Moore is an entertainer so he was entertaining even if I didn’t like his character. This of course is all thrown out the window for the sequel which plays a lot more like a spoof of Arthur than anything else. Really, everything about the film is unpleasant. Struggling to adopt. Homelessness. Unemployment. All of it screams that they should think of something (anything!) funnier. They also just rehashed the main crux of the first film (Arthur will be/is poor) even when it didn’t make any sense. Why is the girl from the first film still obsessed with Arthur? He is a drunk… isn’t there some boring rich guy she can marry? But no, she’s so crazy in the second film you have to assume there is something deranged about her. That is until she turns around and becomes totally normal at the very end of the film. All of it is bizarre.

Hot Take Clam Bake! This revelation is going to be really hard on Arthur and Linda’s marriage but I have to get it off my chest. Linda, it’s pretty obvious that Arthur originally asked you out just to make his parents mad. Your marriage is built on lies. Let me lay it out for you. Arthur is told by his father that if he doesn’t marry Susan he will lose all his money, he agrees, and then that afternoon he is seen sadly buying expensive clothes and openly talking about how he’s just doing it to make his father angry. That very moment he sees you, a mildly attractive person (beautiful on the inside, but he wouldn’t know that), shoplifting. He then bails you out and asks you on a date. Anything suspicious about that series of events? Lies! It’s all lies! He never expected to realize that Linda is all that (and a bag of potato chips). No sir. He just wanted to make his dad mad. Hot Take Temperature: Classic Habanero.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Arthur 2: On the Rocks? More like Arthur 2: Also Sucks, amirite?! RUN IT BACK. Let’s go!

Probably worth talking about the original first. The original is delightful. Surprising that it was an Oscar winner. Double surprising Dudley Moore himself got nominated. But still, a delight, and once you get past the first scene (which is Arthur at his most grating) the rest is easy breezy and quite fun and funny. It calls back to the days when you could make a self-contained comedy and get nominated for an Oscar and then forget about it … for eight years that is.
Ah, this film. The primary issue with this film is it isn’t funny. The secondary issue is that it is often profoundly sad and doesn’t seem to realize it. The tertiary issue is it is a waste, but honestly the first two issues pretty much cover it.
I was listening to a podcast about the movie Stripes the other day and I realized precisely what the issue with this film is. Stripes is notorious for its bizarre and downright bad third act set in Eastern Europe. I don’t remember where I heard it, but someone once said that the third act of Stripes is actually Stripes 2, they just tacked it onto Stripes. It makes sense. The first film is about basic training and learning what it means to be in the military and ends with the great Razzle Dazzle dance and the recruits passing their exam and going off to be part of the US military. The sequel is about them single handedly winning the Cold War in a winnebago and everyone hates it. It is a perfect analogy.
Here, the argument would go: Arthur 2 exists because it was the original third act of Arthur, but they cut it to make an Oscar winning film. Basically the original two act movie would be: Arthur is told he must marry or get cut off, he meets Linda who he falls in love with, and the second act concludes with Arthur crashing his own wedding and breaking up with his fiance. The third act is then about Arthur and Linda trying to muddle through being poor, while Arthur’s almost-father-in-law tries and ruin Arthur’s family, but in the end Arthur’s family gets one over on the baddie, and Arthur’s grandmother decides that no Bach will be poor, so Arthur and Linda live happily ever after (and rich). The End.
The analogy is almost perfect. And like Stripes 2: European Theater, this film is downright bad and weird and not funny and it makes perfect sense it was panned by critics.
A very very New York City film for Setting as a Character (Where?). And a very very very Christmas movie for Secret Holiday Film (When?) as well. And I’ll give it a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that Arthur’s almost-fiance was actually good all along (awwwwwwwwwwww) which makes no sense. Closest to Bad, bad comedies rarely live up to BMT standards and I don’t think this one manages it.

Read about the sequel Arthur 3: Dark Money in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Arthur 2: On the Rocks Quiz

Oh man, so here’s the thing. I’m a drunk. Have been all my life. But obviously my brain is now swiss cheese and I’m dying of multiple organ failure. Such is life (and death HAHAHAHAHAHA). Anyways, I don’t remember anything, I effectively have dementia. Do you remember what happened in Arthur 2: On the Rocks?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Arthur and Linda are in leeeeeeeeeeeeeeerv. But what’s the one thing Linda wants more than anything, and what’s the problem (and solution) with this?

2) The bad guy from the first film is Jack! And now he has a plan to reeeeeeally ruin Arthur Bach. What is the plan?

3) The bad guy foils Arthur’s attempts to be a good citizen twice more in the film. How does he do it?

4) What’s Arthur’s plan to get his money back, why doesn’t it work, and what ultimately does work?

5) In the end Arthur intuitively knows that Linda is pregnant. How does he know?

Bonus Question: Well Arthur’s back Jack! Well, that is, until he gets that fateful knock at his door. Who is it?

Answers

Arthur 2: On the Rocks Preview

“So this is the DVD player,” Jamie says, showing Cowgirl Jamie around. He’s ready to get his Kane game on, but CJ keeps trying to distract him. “Before we start the movie,” she quickly interjects, “tell me more about this Good Movie Twins venture. How will it be different from Bad Movie Twins? Can we expect more Rich and Poe stories under the GMT banner?” Questions, questions, questions. What’s with all these questions? Jamie looks at his GMT Rulez and crinkles his brow at Rule #6 – Exposition 4 Days. He crosses that out and replaces it with Graceful Subtlety. “Let’s not be boring,” he says snobbishly and adds mysteriously, “Life is Art, Art is Film, Film is Life. Art.” They stare blankly at each other for several moments before Jamie turns back to the DVD player, but before he can pop in Citizen Kane, CJ again shouts, “Wait!” Jamie sighs. “I’m not feeling an artsy fartsy film today,” CJ explains and before Jamie knows it she’s next to him, touching his arm and slipping his Collector’s Edition copy of Here on Earth into his hands. “It’s just that I find everything about this film super sexy.” Jamie takes the box set into his hands, the metal casing growing slick with his sweat. “Weeelllll,” he hesitates, but knows full well that it’s only a matter of time before he caves. The spell is broken with the sounds of ice clinking in a glass. A lamp goes on in the corner revealing Patrick, he’s been there the whole time. “Not so fast, Cowgirl Jamie,” he says, a steely look on his face. “Or maybe I should just call you… Saboteur!” Jamie is digging this unexpected turn of events. “This is Life. This is Art. This rocks,” he whispers. That’s right! We are indeed watching Art… Arthur 2: On the Rocks, that is! I only vaguely remember catching bits and pieces of the original Arthur on Comedy Central back in the day. Always seemed a bit boring. But now that I’m a sophisticated adult I’m sure I’ll understand why it was a huge hit that spawned a less warmly received sequel. Let’s go!

Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988) – BMeTric: 49.9; Notability: 45

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 3.2%; Notability: top 4.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 6.5%; Higher BMeT: Caddyshack II, Mac and Me, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Poltergeist III, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Johnny Be Good, Alien from L.A., Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Higher Notability: Action Jackson, Sunset, High Spirits, Big Top Pee-wee, Caddyshack II, My Stepmother Is an Alien, Moving, Cocoon: The Return, The Couch Trip, License to Drive, Vibes, Cocktail; Lower RT: Two Moon Junction, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach, Johnny Be Good, Return of the Killer Tomatoes!, Fresh Horses, Watchers, Hero and the Terror, Hot to Trot, Illegally Yours, The Blue Iguana, War Party, Caddyshack II, Return of the Living Dead II, Mac and Me, Cocktail, Dead Heat; Notes:That feels like a huge Notability score overall. I also wonder … I have a new thing cooking. This is a perfect test. How many times did Arthur 2 play on television in 1988? The answer is 23 times. That’s 31st most for any wide release film that year. Guess what else played 23 times that year. Fresh Horses. What a fucking year.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – The problem is, we don’t care what secrets the old billionaire has in his past. We don’t care how cleverly Arthur attempts to deal with the crisis or how successful he is. The very attempt to cope is a mistake; Arthur should sink deeper and deeper into bewildered confusion, until he is rescued once again by the fates, a benevolent heaven or his own good luck. The last thing we want to see in this movie, in other words, is Arthur getting better.

(I 100% agree. See the recap for more about this, but this movie ultimately feels like an annoying and useless epilogue to an bizarrely compelling original.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9j4GzzGKiI/

(I mean, roll back the hits. Definitely makes it look like he’s drunk more often in the second one. In the first one he’s only drunk a handful of times, but he’s drunk in basically 100% of that trailer.)

Directors – Bud Yorkin – ( Known For: Inspector Clouseau; Twice in a Lifetime; Divorce American Style; Come Blow Your Horn; Start the Revolution Without Me; The Thief Who Came to Dinner; Never Too Late; Love Hurts; BMT: Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Notes: Nominated for 7 Emmys and won 3 for An Evening with Fred Astaire and The Jack Benny Program. He would ultimately stop directing in 1990 with the completely forgotten Jeff Daniels film Love Hurts.)

Writers – Steve Gordon – ( Known For: Arthur; The One and Only; Future BMT: Arthur; BMT: Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Notes: Wrote and Directed the original, but died in 1982.)

Andy Breckman – ( Known For: Rat Race; I.Q.; True Identity; Future BMT: Moving; Sgt. Bilko; BMT: Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Notes: Nominated for four Emmys, primarily for SNL and Letterman. Still writes a ton of television, but also seems to have had a radio program for the last 25 years? Hard to tell.)

Actors – Dudley Moore – ( Known For: 10; Arthur; Bedazzled; 30 Is a Dangerous Age, Cynthia; Foul Play; Like Father Like Son; Best Defense; Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland; Micki + Maude; The Wrong Box; Six Weeks; The Hound of the Baskervilles; Those Daring Young Men in Their Jaunty Jalopies; The Bed Sitting Room; Blame It on the Bellboy; Lovesick; The Pickle; The Mighty Kong; The Third Alibi; Derek and Clive Get the Horn; Future BMT: Crazy People; Unfaithfully Yours; Wholly Moses!; Romantic Comedy; BMT: Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Santa Claus: The Movie; Notes: Comedian and accomplished jazz pianist. Somewhat sadly died in the early 2000s after a series of long illnesses. Nominated for an Oscar for Arthur, and famously quite short (around 5 foot 2 inches).)

Liza Minnelli – ( Known For: Arthur; Cabaret; New York, New York; The Muppets Take Manhattan; Silent Movie; The Oh in Ohio; The Sterile Cuckoo; Lucky Lady; In the Good Old Summertime; Stepping Out; Journey Back to Oz; Rent-a-Cop; Charlie Bubbles; Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon; A Matter of Time; BMT: Sex and the City 2; Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress in 1989 for Arthur 2: On the Rocks, and Rent-a-Cop; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Sex and the City 2 in 2011; Notes: Nominated for two Oscars, and won for Cabaret. The daughter of Judy Garland. Was also nominated for 7 Emmys and won one for a variety special. Which now makes me realize she’s an EGOT winner.)

John Gielgud – ( Known For: Arthur; Caligula; The Elephant Man; Murder on the Orient Express; Chariots of Fire; Gandhi; Elizabeth; Hamlet; DragonHeart; Around the World in 80 Days; First Knight; The Power of One; Quest for Camelot; Shine; The Portrait of a Lady; Julius Caesar; Appointment with Death; Becket; Lion of the Desert; Shining Through; BMT: Arthur 2: On the Rocks; Notes: Won the Oscar for Arthur, and also nominated for Becket. Was nominated for 5 Emmys and won one for Summer’s Lease. Wait … he also is an EGOT winner! I wonder if this is the only BMT featuring two EGOTers? Maybe, although you’d think one of the bad Whoopi films could fit the bill.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $14,681,192 (Worldwide: $14,681,192)

(That’s pretty terrible. But then again it was the sequel to a off-beat comedy made eight years later, so who knows what they really expected.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (3/23): Arthur’s boozy charm curdles into a bad hangover in this unnecessary sequel.

(Yeah, that sounds about right. The unnecessary part I mean. The fist film is kind of a perfect original comedy of the type you rarely see now probably for that exact reason: films and tv are very much in the “what’s happening in season 3 / the trilogy” mode.)

Reviewer Highlight: The excruciating “Arthur 2 on the Rocks” should come with a surgeon general’s warning: “This sort of stupidity may sap your will to live or to watch movies ever again.” – Sheila Benson, Los Angeles Times

Poster – A Kid in Drunk Arthur’s Court

(WTF, mate? You needed a few more shrimp on that barbie. What is the framing device being used here? Some mild points for the classic tilted A in the title but otherwise this is kind of embarrassing. D+)

Tagline(s) – No Money. Still Funny. (C+)

(Alright, this is also clearly embarrassing on its face… and I’m not going to make a case that it’s actually good… … … but… it’s tight. That’s all I’ll say. Someone wrote out four words and it ended up on the poster for a reason. Tight.)

Keyword(s) – good

Future BMT: 67.1 Phat Girlz (2006), 63.2 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 60.6 Like a Boss (2020), 51.8 Playing with Fire (2019), 51.6 The Boss (2016), 51.1 Johnny Be Good (1988), 50.7 The Hot Chick (2002), 48.4 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), 47.2 Barney’s Great Adventure (1998), 45.1 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 44.9 Fantastic Four (2005), 40.4 No Good Deed (2014), 39.5 Good Burger (1997), 37.2 The Great Wall (2016), 37.1 Stroker Ace (1983), 36.3 Milk Money (1994), 34.7 Mad Money (2008), 34.3 Mo’ Money (1992), 32.1 Good Deeds (2012), 31.3 The Nude Bomb (1980)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Cool as Ice (1991), Cool World (1992), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Hot Pursuit (2015), The Fly II (1989), One for the Money (2012), Fire Down Below (1997), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Fire Birds (1990), Good Luck Chuck (2007), Be Cool (2005), Chill Factor (1999), Money Train (1995), Hot to Trot (1988), The Golden Child (1986), Righteous Kill (2008), Sweet Home Alabama (2002), The Wizard (1989), Fresh Horses (1988), Killer Elite (2011), Hunter Killer (2018)

Best Options (daddio): 50.0 Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988)

(Kind of a funny series of films we got going since so many of them appear to be relying on the one or two specific films to get by. Next week is kind of the same way.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 25) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Kathy Bates is No. 8 billed in Arthur 2: On the Rocks and No. 3 billed in Tammy, which also stars Susan Sarandon (No. 2 billed) who is in That’s My Boy (No. 3 billed) which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (8 + 3) + (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 25. If we were to watch Unfaithfully Yours, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – The character of Susan Johnson was not played by Jill Eikenberry who had portrayed the character in Arthur (1981). This was because Eikenberry was at the time unavailable due to being contracted to L.A. Law (1986), playing Ann Kelsey.

Dudley Moore has been said to have based his characterization of Arthur partly on Peter Cook, whose excessive drinking had soured his and Moore’s comedic partnership in the 1970s.

The closing credits dedication states: “The film is dedicated to the memory of Steve Gordon”. Gordon wrote and directed Arthur (1981) and sadly passed away soon afterwards in 1982. Arthur (1981) was the only theatrical movie directed by Gordon.

Dudley Moore is seen playing the piano in this movie. In real-life, Moore was a pianist. On movie sets, Moore would often entertain the crew by playing the piano between breaks in filming.

The cast features three Academy Award winners: Sir John Gielgud, Kathy Bates, and Liza Minnelli.

The scene where Arthur (Dudley Moore) asks Fairchild (Paul Benedict), to put on one of his wife’s dressing gowns, when Arthur says, “C’mon Fairchild, I know you want too!”, you can hear the camera men laughing.

Preparing stage plans for the studio sets to be built on the Warner Brothers’ Burbank lot, Set Decorator Gene Callahan and Art Director Hub Braden designed preliminary set plans with elevations of all of the proposed stage sets. Viewing Arthur (1981) on video, the original upstairs bedroom set was copied and rebuilt for this movie. Arthur (1981)’s set designs incorporated levels, with entrance doors requiring a door-step landing, to step down onto the set, similar to a theatrical stage set plan. This step element was changed in this set by eliminating the step-up hallway platform. Paper doll miniature sets were mounted and presented for discussion and final approvals by Director Bud Yorkin. Set Designers were then staffed with the commencement of drawing plans and elevations. All of the New York City sets were actual locations with no studio-built scenery. Minor modifications and set dressing were added to all of the interior and exterior location sights in New York City. The yacht interior was a Burbank stage set. The yacht’s interior lounge finish was a Phillipine Mahogany wood skin veneer finish. After the skin veneer was applied to the walls, after an overnight stage closure, the veneer wrinkled due to the frigid stage temperature. When the stage was scheduled for filming the set, the stage heaters had to be continuously maintained to prevent the veneer from wrinkling.

The basement New York City clinic set was one of the first completed stage sets; except that this set’s revisions had repeated major modifications. Compared to a television budgeted set, the clinic set should have cost sixteen thousand dollars. Every time Director Bud Yorkin and Production Designer would fly into Los Angeles from their New York City filming schedule to survey the progress of their stage sets under construction, Yorkin would order character wall treatments added to the clinic set. The lower bottom vertical set walls were extended forward, with bulging wood ribs skinned with chicken wire, stuffed with newspapers, then finished in a plaster skim coat. With each of their round trip-visits, the walls were repeatedly added with more bulging layers. Their theory, such a New York City building would have had the upper floors weight, forcing the sinking of the lower basement walls, causing the sag. The final cost of this small typical movie office stage set, instead, skyrocketed to a final cost of two hundred fifty thousand dollars. A money power struggle had developed between the studio and the production company with this as an example of “I’ll show you how much we can spend!”

While the original Arthur (1981) grossed $95.5 million on its first release, this could only muster $14.7 million at the box office.

The opening scene is a takeoff on the Grey Poupon mustard commercials of the 1980s, in which two Rolls-Royces pull up next to each other and the passenger in one car taps on the window of the other car and asks, “Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?”

Arthur and Linda move into an apartment at 140 W. 4th Street in Greenwich Village with a rent of eight hundred fifty dollars a month after being initially “cut off” by his family.

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Liza Minnelli, 1989)

Killer Elite Recap

Jamie

After waking up from my Killer Elite induced slumber, I was trying to remember why we wanted to watch this in the first place. In some part it was because we needed to connect through Amsterdam and Robert De Niro was sitting right there for us. Hard to pass up a screen legend when you have a chance to get him in the Chain. But really we can all admit it’s really because this film had not one, but two different slang terms for “good” in the title. It was both killer and elite… in reality it was neither, but we just simply had to watch it for the Good Movie Cycle. So to sum it up, we are on quite the streak of films that were picked entirely based on their title. Fresh Horses was all about dem horses… Killer Elite was all about words that make the film sound “good” when in fact the film is not good. Great.

To recap, Jason Statham is an elite killer. After a job goes wrong and he kills a target in front of their daughter, he decides to call it quits. Fast forward a year and he’s living his best life in Australia spending QT with his GF. But uh oh! Looks like he’s getting pulled back into the game. That’s because his best friend/elderly person Robert De Niro got caught up in a big money job to kill some elite British killers. Seeing that they were just too elite for his blood, he tried to pull out, but the uber wealthy Omani isn’t having any of that. Statham is like “fine, I’ll do it” and assembles a team. They go about creating elaborate situations in which their targets are killed, but it looks like an accident, and also they admit on camera that they indeed killed the people they are accused of killing. It’s so elaborate and nonsensical you would think we were watching Mechanic: Resurrection… but we aren’t. It’s not that elaborate. Anyway, in the course of getting information they begin to be tracked by the Feather Men, a group that influences British policy with a light touch. Clive Owen is tasked with tracking them. By the time they get to the last target Statham is under constant surveillance. This will be their most elaborate scheme yet! Turns out it’s a bit too elaborate because pretty much everyone dies. Although Statham is able to get the target and fake a confession. He gets Boddy D out and he heads home. THE END… psych! We got one last super elaborate killing left! The writer of the books that the film is based on also needs a good killing. Statham gets his scheme on, but ends up faking the final death. Why? Cause he’s just like… done, man. Done with elite killing. Clive Owen is like “fuck that,” and goes and tattles on him, kills the Omani, and takes the money. Statham catched up with him just to tell him “I’m done with elite killing, so don’t mess with me again,” and he goes back to Australia for more QT with the GF. THE END.

I just couldn’t deal with this movie. It’s a “very serious” version of Mechanic: Resurrection that runs far too long and has Dominic Purcell as the fourth lead… fourth! Not interested. That’s a hard pass from me. That’s even giving the film some credit for having some pretty good action scenes. I can definitely believe that there are fans of this movie and it has a surprisingly high IMDb rating to prove it. I’m just not one of them. I do have to shout out Robert De Niro for taking a role where he’s barely on screen and the premise of his character is “I really wanted a big paycheck so I agreed to something, but when I realized what it was I tried to back out, but they won’t let me, so now I’m being held captive until all this is over.” That’s some meta shit, Bobby.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Imagine a world where Statham is like “I’m good,” and leaves De Niro. He gives into the scheme far too easily and for what? Old man rivers who at like 70 years old couldn’t help but get wrapped up in this bullshit? Nope. No. Stay in Australia and have a great time with your GF. Don’t need the money, don’t need the headache. As a result a dozen people aren’t dead as a bonus… except for De Niro. He is definitely killed. But that’s his problem. Hot Take Temperature: Carolina Reaper.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Killer Elite? More like Barely Complete, amirite? A true murders row of British people who you remember used to be quite famous in the early 2010s (and Robert De Niro somehow). Let’s go!

Is Jason Statham still a movie star? Let’s investigate. He has a movie coming out this very week, that’s a check in the movie-star box. That movie is something I’ve never heard of, so let’s put that in the not-movie-star box. But then again, it has already made $30 million internationally … so maybe he’s an international movie star still? He made The Meg in 2018, and was still hanging around the Fast & Furious franchise as well … I think he’s still a movie star.
Just peeked at his upcoming slate though. The Meg 2, Fast X, Spy 2, and The Expendables 4?! Yeah definitely still a movie star. Jesus.
Clive Owen isn’t though, he’s kind of slowly ended up being a prestige television star.
And at age 79 Robert De Niro is … somehow. I mean, when he’s not playing a grandpa in bad comedies.
I guess the point is this: once upon a time this was an eye popping cast. Like: Statham, De Niro, and Clive Owen! Wowza. That level. Now? It feels like an odd relic of a time long ago.
Oh it should be pointed out that the most amusing bit of this entire movie is that it is based on a book, and that 100% of people involved in the real incidents being discussed basically call it a load of crap and hate the guy who wrote it. The guy who wrote it is a character in the film, and … I don’t know, it is really bizarre. Go read his biography. He’s Ralph Fiennes’s distant cousin or something and was at one point dismissed from the army for trying to blow up the set of the Doctor Doolittle musical from the 60s. It is insane and the only thing interesting about this film.
A few of the action scenes are fun. Like running through the tunnels of bees and stuff. That is probably the bread and butter of the film.
But the acting is terrible, the writing is terrible, and I feel like the direction (outside of action) is also sub-par. It is a sub-par movie, and pretty boring to boot.
I did vaguely like the story of Statham’s childhood friend turned lover in Australia. If only because it gave me the phrase “girl in the red gumboots” which I can use places like the Quiz. That’ll be a gift that will keep on giving … for a month, then I’ll forget about this movie forever.
I have to give a Setting as a Character (Where?) to Yemen, I’m surprised it has never come up before. Wait, should I add it to the map … I guess I should. For a film about revenge and conspiracies and secret societies there is shockingly little in the way of a MacGuffin. Closest to Bad, just boring nonsense.

Check out the continuing adventures of Brundlefly Jr. in Killer Elite 2: The Boy in the Red Gumboots. I told you I was going to get some mileage out of that. Cheerios,

The Sklogs