Horror/Thriller – Bad Movie Twins

The Fly II Recap

Jamie

Always a pleasure to deviate from our typical BMT formula of a single bad movie (or perhaps two or three bad movies) and partake in a classic film and it’s not-so-classic follow-up/money grab. That’s what we got with The Fly II. I started to wonder whether this was the steepest drop from classic high to BMT low. And I’m not talking some jokey answer like the drop from Big Momma’s House to Big Momma’s House 2. Like for serious, there would be some pretty great nominees. Basic Instinct 2. Speed 2: Cruise Control. The Birds 2: Land’s End… but I think I’m most intrigued by The Sting II… the original won Best Picture, the sequel did not. But it’s just old enough to confuse us as to its BMT credentials. I’ll have to get Patrick on the case given he’s the head of the Computer Science Department at BMT University. Till then…

To recap, The Brundlefly’s back, Jack! But not Seth this time, it’s his son Martin. Having inherited the fly genetics from his father, Martin grows up fast. So even though he’s only five years old he’s got the body of a twenty year old. And what a body! (Characters in the film think, unironically). He’s also got the mind of a genius. So when he gets big enough he goes to work for Bartok, his Science Daddy (as I shall creepily refer to him). His task is to get his father’s machine working again. While he’s doing this he strikes up a friendship with Beth, a night shift worker with greater aspirations. While attending a work party with Beth, Martin stumbles upon a monstrous dog creature his Science Daddy accidentally created during earlier attempts at getting the machine to work. He is dismayed and breaks things off with Beth, but drawn like a fly to honey he reconciles and they totally smooch… hard (remember, he’s five, but his mind is older, so it’s OK). This gets not only his body juices flowing, but his mind juices too and he is able to perfect the machine. But his postcoital bliss only lasts so long as he realizes he’s transforming into the Brundlefly (oh no). Even worse, he has figured out how to cure himself but it requires him to make horrific genetic alterations to another person (double oh no!). As if it can’t get worse, he also finds out his Science Daddy is evil and wants to use his invention for profit (triple dog oh no!). Distraught, he locks down his computers and attempts an escape. This doesn’t last long, though, as he enters a cocoon state and despite her best efforts, Beth is forced to return him to the lab. Awakened, Martin goes on a rampage. He kills all the baddies in sight, eventually cornering his Science Daddy and pulling him into a pod where Beth initializes his curing process. Martin comes out cured and his Science Daddy is now his Science Daddy Monster. THE END… or is it? (It is).

This movie appears to be sold on one thing and one thing only: the ending visual effects. While the fly effects are a bit shaky, the very last shot of the Science Daddy Monster is horrific and so I have to give them some props on that. Truly grotesque. Congrats. I also very much enjoyed Spaceball’s Daphne Zuniga as the love interest. Charming actress. I think the film mostly suffers from comparisons to the Cronenberg original, which is unassailable both technically and aesthetically. It is impossible to live up to when you then hire the visual effects artist to direct the follow up. It’s also pretty slow for the first hour. Clearly they wanted something quick and on the cheaper side of things so they could grab dat money.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Is it wrong for me to suggest that there are numerous people they could have used to cure Martin and avoid all the general fly hubbub? Ethically it may be a bit hazy, but let’s be real… ethics isn’t Science Daddy’s strong suit. You just need that sweet, sweet DNA to fix Martin. Guess who has a bunch of DNA they aren’t using? Dead people. Science Daddy got the green. Buy a dead body… easier said than done, I’m sure, but I bet Science Daddy could figure it out. And if he can’t, guess who’s providing dead bodies left and right? The fly himself. Grab up a deado and get the process rolling. Seems wasteful to use a perfectly good Science Daddy. Hot Take Temperature: Carolina Reaper.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! The Fly II? More like Not Fly Too! Amirite? Brundlefly is back, but now he has the growing disease from Jack. Let’s go!

I like Eric Stoltz and Daphne Zuniga in this. Both of them work well as young employees of a how-you-say? … evil company? Funny that Mel Brooks was an EP so he got Zuniga in the film. I don’t really remember her in much else and was always surprised. Looks like she was in Vision Quest (never saw it), Gross Anatomy (future BMT … wait, was she connected to Modine in some way … was Modine connected to Mel Brooks too?), and then did 110 episodes of Melrose Place.
But I will never ever ever ever watch this film ever again. Why? Because what happens to the dog and the bad guy at the end is horrifying. Just horrifying. Cut that part of the film out and it is just silly with some interesting third act practical effects. With it, it is just unnecessarily gross and I hate it.
If I were to pinpoint the main thing that makes this a BMT film it is the moment (shown in the trailer) where Stoltz becomes like … a cocoon man. No, he doesn’t look like Steve Guttenberg. I mean, like, he’s a weird looking man covered in cobwebs and shit. The short segment where a very very ill Stoltz goes on the run and tries to get Zuniga and a former Brundlefly Inc. employee to help him is the best part from a BMT perspective.
Prior to that the film is kind of just a rehash of the first film with Brundlefly Jr. trying to figure out where he belongs in the world (you know?) and rebuild his father’s research. After that is it just a practical effects bonanza. The “I feel BBeTTer” line is just really everything from a BMT perspective.
Speaking of which I suppose. People were pretty down on the practical effects, but while gross, I felt they were pretty impressive. I can understand the “this ain’t no Cronenberg” attitude at the time, but I still think it worked much better than I expected.
The exception being the actual puppet at the end. The puppet was pretty rough. Kind of looked like crap and … well, it looked like a puppet. A fragile puppet. Not great. Still, I didn’t mind it much.
I did watch the Goldblum film a while back. Loved it. It’s a good movie with great special effects. Unfortunately I didn’t get to the original or any of the sequels. Some day. I do think they are intriguing, and I want to watch more older films.
I suppose a minor Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate twist of Stoltz fixing himself by destroying his father figure / horrible person Bartok. That’s it though. It’s very much closest to BMT, but I don’t think it is as impressive as I expected.

Read about my sequel The Fly III: Half Past Fly in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Fly II Quiz

Oh boy. So first of all, I’m a quarter fly person (my dad was half fly, don’t worry about it). And now I’m growing ultra quick like Robin Williams! Needless to say I have the memory of a fly as well, so I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in The Fly II?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Brundlefly Jr. is born to definitely-not-Geena-Davis, but ultimately is raised by who? And why?

2) In his formative years a very particular relationship with an aminal would ultimately color issues throughout his life. What kind of animal?

3) When Brundlefly Jr. grows up though he meets a young lady, Princess Vespa. How do they meet?

4) Ultimately he must escape his confines though as he slowly turns into an actual Brundlefly. What final betrayal is revealed concerning his condition from Bartok?

5) How does Brundlefly cure himself?

Bonus Question: Brundlefly Jr. is living happily ever after, but then there is a knock at the door. Who is it?

Answers

The Fly II Preview

“I guess we’re having a little trouble with #4,” Jamie says, hoping to get some Good Movie insight from their new elderly friend. It seems right up his alley since it has to do with friendship: Rule #4 – Animal Friends/Animal Enemies. But the old man isn’t listening, he just keeps staring at a door at the back of the train that has a big money sign painted on it. “Why are you staring at the train’s treasure room?” Patrick asks, once again suspicious of this stereotypical old man. “Oh, I don’t know…” the old man starts before dramatically pulling off his disguise and drawing a gun on them. “Maybe because you’re gonna help me rob this train of its jewels,” he finishes. “He’s got a gun!” a nearby passenger screams. Panic ensues and the passengers flee, leaving the train car empty except for them. The young man explains how he saw them at the train station and knew it was his opportunity to use them to help him get away with his heist. He says something about forcing them to dance in order to distract the train police, but at that point Jamie and Patrick have stopped listening. They half-heartedly twin chop the gun out of his hand and backflip their way between him and the treasure room. “No, we’re not going to help you with this scheme. We’re not even going to get ourselves wrapped up in some complicated quest to stop you and your dastardly deeds. That was the old Movie Twins. The Bad Movie Twins. Now we’re the Good Movie Twins. In fact, we’re not just Good…” Patrick says and Jamie finishes, “We’re fly. And that’s exactly what you’re about to do.” At that they Twin Kick the faux geezer out of the moving train. That’s right! We are picking up a classic… and then we’ll watch that classic’s dumb sequel. It’s The Fly and The Fly II. The first one is a Cronenberg classic. The second is the one directed by the dude who did the creature effects for the first film… I’m not joking… that’s what happened because they probably thought, “whatever, this is just a cash grab anyway.” Let’s go!

The Fly II (1989) – BMeTric: 56.0; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 3.2%; Notability: top 14.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.1%; Higher BMeT: Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, Wild Orchid, Cyborg, The Karate Kid Part III; Higher Notability: Tango & Cash, Troop Beverly Hills, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Fletch Lives, Harlem Nights, Leviathan, Listen to Me, Lock Up, Pink Cadillac, Family Business, Millennium, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Three Fugitives, Dead Bang, Let It Ride, Renegades, Slaves of New York, The Karate Kid Part III, and 16 more; Lower RT: Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects, Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, Stepfather II: Make Room for Daddy, The Toxic Avenger Part II, The Horror Show, Worth Winning, Night Game, Second Sight, Wired, Dream a Little Dream, No Holds Barred, Wild Orchid, She’s Out of Control, Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Millennium, Chattahoochee, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, The Blood of Heroes, The Lemon Sisters, and 25 more; Notes: We are doing okay with 1989 now I think, just look at the Top BMeT list. This will be 7 of the top 8 watched for BMT, with only Karate Kid III outstanding there. I have a subtle goal which is to watch the top 10 BMeT films of every year from 1980 to now. I think the early 80s can be done if we loosen up the restrictions, but I already have ideas about that.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – A case of “like father, like son”; too bad director Walas isn’t like David Cronenberg. Stoltz, son of deceased Jeff Goldblum, has attained puberty at five with the intellect to match; now he’s being unknowingly exploited by – here’s a novel twist – the scientists in whose care he’s entrusted. Alternatively sull and messy but mostly dull.

(First, double semi-colon. Jesus Christ Leonard, you’d outdone even yourself. Second, like father like son? You talking like Big Momma and his (her?) son? I’m surprised “mostly dull” gets a BOMB. BOMBs are ultra rare.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yS6E2EXlnI/

(Horrible horrible horrible. I hate it. Annoying and not scary or good. The last bit of the trailer does get you a bit amped and teases the puppet at least.)

Directors – Chris Walas – ( Known For: The Vagrant; BMT: The Fly II; Notes: The Vagrant looks absolutely wild. Anyways, he did the makeup for the original Fly (and was nominated for an Oscar for it). This seemed to be his one and only attempt at a truly major release, although he is a genuinely famous special effects artist working on Return of the Jedi, Enemy Mine, and Gremlins.)

Writers – Mick Garris – ( Known For: Hocus Pocus 2; *batteries not included; Nightmare Cinema; Riding the Bullet; Future BMT: Hocus Pocus; BMT: Critters 2; The Fly II; Notes: Very notably was a secretary at the Star Wars Corporation in 1977. He’s a pretty big name horror director from the 80s)

Jim Wheat and Ken Wheat– ( Known For: Pitch Black; A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master; The Silent Scream; After Midnight; The Return; Future BMT: The Chronicles of Riddick; BMT: The Fly II; Notes: Under the fold is the incredible revelation that they are the directors of Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. They are brothers and writing partners.)

Frank Darabont – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Mist; The Blob; Frankenstein; A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors; BMT: The Fly II; Notes: I feel like he’s mostly notable for the big issues he’s had with The Walking Dead and getting paid for that … but yeah, also he’s the director for Shawshank. I’m a little stunned all of these credits are for exclusively The Fly II with not credit for the original writers or anything?)

George Langelaan – (Known For: The Fly, Return of the Fly; Curse of the Fly, The Fly; BMT: The Fly II; Notes: They obviously had to credit him for the story and characters. But again, a little crazy that Cronenberg gets nothing on the sequel? It makes no sense.)

Actors – Eric Stoltz – ( Known For: Pulp Fiction; Back to the Future; Jerry Maguire; Fast Times at Ridgemont High; Little Women; Some Kind of Wonderful; Mask; Say Anything; The Prophecy; The Rules of Attraction; Singles; Kicking and Screaming; 2 Days in the Valley; Memphis Belle; Rob Roy; Her Smell; 5 to 7; The House of Mirth; The Wild Life; Killing Zoe; Future BMT: The Butterfly Effect; The Honeymooners; Fluke; Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer; BMT: Anaconda; The Fly II; Notes: Famously the original Marty McFly in Back to the Future (still uncredited there presumably because he’s still included in some wide shots?). Mostly does small things and television spots, but was also a star of the Battlestar Galactica spinoff Caprica it looks like.)

Daphne Zuniga – ( Known For: Spaceballs; Vision Quest; The Sure Thing; The Initiation; Modern Girls; The Dorm That Dripped Blood; Staying Together; Last Rites; Heartbeats; Gone Missing; Charlie’s Ghost Story; Mad at the Moon; Who’s Driving Doug; Enemies of Laughter; Summer Forever; Future BMT: Gross Anatomy; BMT: The Fly II; Notes: I obviously know her from Spaceballs. She’s continued to do a lot of stuff, mostly guest spots on television, but she was also on 40 episodes of One Tree Hill.)

Lee Richardson – ( Known For: Network; The Exorcist III; Prizzi’s Honor; Prince of the City; Brubaker; Q&A; Daniel; Middle of the Night; Tiger Warsaw; I Am the Cheese; Future BMT: The Believers; A Stranger Among Us; BMT: The Fly II; Notes: Uncredited as FDR in the Truman television movie. Was nominated for a Tony Award for Vivat! Vivat Rgina! In 1972. Died in 1999.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $20,021,322 (Worldwide: $38,903,179)

(That seems bad considering how much must have went into effects. A little odd that there is no info at all about how much this movie costs seemingly.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 29% (5/17)

(Oh a consensus: Often horribly graphic and … well just horrible, The Fly II exchanges the creepy for the just plain gross.)

Reviewer Highlight: Worthless sequel to a very good film – Ken Hanke, Mountain Xpress

Poster – The Fly II: Superfly

(Christ, they just knocked off the first film’s poster. Really was a cash grab. Although then again there is a rich history of just trotting out the same thing for a sequel. Back to the Future comes to mind. I like the tone, wish the font was a little better, and can’t give it much of a score since it is a knockoff. C.)

Tagline(s) – Like father, like son. (F)

(We talking Big Momma’s House 3? I sometimes wonder when we have a tagline this generic whether we could build a trilogy of films with the exact same tagline.)

Keyword(s) – good

Top 10: Good Will Hunting (1997), The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), The Great Gatsby (2013), Hot Fuzz (2007), Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016), The Wizard of Oz (1939), Man on Fire (2004), The Nice Guys (2016)

Future BMT: 67.3 Phat Girlz (2006), 63.2 Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015), 60.6 Like a Boss (2020), 51.7 Playing with Fire (2019), 51.6 The Boss (2016), 51.0 Johnny Be Good (1988), 50.6 The Hot Chick (2002), 49.9 Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), 48.4 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007), 47.1 Barney’s Great Adventure (1998), 45.1 Fly Me to the Moon 3D (2007), 44.9 Fantastic Four (2005), 40.4 No Good Deed (2014), 39.4 Good Burger (1997), 37.2 The Great Wall (2016), 37.0 Stroker Ace (1983), 36.3 Milk Money (1994), 34.6 Mad Money (2008), 34.3 Mo’ Money (1992), 32.1 Good Deeds (2012)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Fantastic Four (2015), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Cool as Ice (1991), Cool World (1992), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Hot Pursuit (2015), The Fly II (1989), One for the Money (2012), Fire Down Below (1997), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Fire Birds (1990), Good Luck Chuck (2007), Be Cool (2005), Chill Factor (1999), Money Train (1995), Hot to Trot (1988), The Golden Child (1986), Righteous Kill (2008), Sweet Home Alabama (2002), The Wizard (1989), Hunter Killer (2018)

Best Options (Horror): 56.2 The Fly II (1989), 40.4 No Good Deed (2014)

(Yeah, no very good options here, until you pulled in some Thrillers. At the very least The Good Son would have been an option … but spoilers, we are doing that later.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Eric Stoltz is No. 1 billed in The Fly II and No. 4 billed in Anaconda, which also stars Jennifer Lopez (No. 1 billed) who is in Gigli (No. 2 billed) which also stars Ben Affleck (No. 1 billed) who is in Pearl Harbor (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 4) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 3) = 16. If we were to watch Jack, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – Chris Walas wanted Geena Davis to reprise her role as Veronica Quaife for the birth scene at the beginning of the film. Geena Davis declined, because she had found the maggot-baby dream sequence in the original film emotionally upsetting and was replaced by Saffron Henderson, despite being 10 years younger than Davis.

The first videotape of Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum) (where he theorizes that the teleporter improved him) is actually part of a deleted scene from The Fly (1986). The scene was slightly edited for this film, and Veronica’s (Geena Davis) voice was dubbed over by Saffron Henderson (who plays Veronica at the beginning of The Fly II (1989)).

The Telepod props from The Fly (1986) were destroyed after filming was completed and had to be rebuilt.

John Getz (Stathis Borans) is the only actor reprising a role from the The Fly (1986).

The green flashes of light between each credit in the title sequence were actually borrowed from an alternate, unused title sequence for The Fly (1986).

In at least one draft of the script, Martin was going to see yet another videotape of Seth Brundle (this time nearing the end of his transformation), in which Seth talks about his “cure”. This would have required brand-new footage of Jeff Goldblum in makeup from the previous film, and the concept was subsequently dropped from the script.

The movie was originally given an X rating by the MPAA because of the graphic scene where Hargis’ head is crushed underneath an elevator. Director Chris Walas appealed the decision, and the MPAA gave the film an R rating without any edits to the scene.

In some US states, theaters playing The Fly II (1989) had a nurse on hand for the audience’s reactions to its content.

Mel Brooks suggested to Chris Walas that Daphne Zuniga play Beth Logan, after Zuniga starred as Princess Vespa in Brook’s “Star Wars” spoof Spaceballs (1987).

The book next to the sleeping technician in the control room at the beginning of the film is “The Shape of Rage”, an anthology of writings about the films of David Cronenberg, who directed this film’s predecessor.

A scene was taken out of the film which reveals the reason why Bartok and his scientists can’t get the Telepods to work is because Stathis took the operating disc from the Telepods and all the research on it to ensure the Telepods couldn’t cause any more damage than they already had.

Although “The Fly III” never happened, a comic book sequel, “The Fly: Outbreak” by Brandon Seifert, was published in 2015. “Outbreak” takes place years after The Fly II (1989) and it follows Martin Brundle attempting to cure Anton Bartok of his mutant condition.

Originally, writer Mick Garris’s script was about Veronica being convinced not to abort her baby by a religious cult who would keep and raise Martin after he was born. The rapidly aging Martin is joined by a group of kids with their own unique abilities or deformities and Martin could discover he could communicate with insects and would lead the kids to escape the cult and live in the outskirts of L.A.. This premise was abandoned for being too strange and family friendly. Another draft included Bartok scientists using cloning technology to resurrect Seth Brundle, still stuck as BrundleFly at first, and would discover that his son Martin (who was originally meant to be a child/teenager throughout the film) could communicate with him. Chris Walas disliked this version of the story as he thought it was too odd of a premise to the point where it came off like a family-friendly horror film about a boy and his bug monster. He even threatened to walk off the project if the script wasn’t changed, so the Fox executives relented and hired Frank Darabont to overhaul the script.

There had been a change in management at Fox between The Fly (1986) and this sequel, and the new head of Fox hadn’t even seen the previous film. Director Chris Walas claims that they wanted the film to explore themes of defying destiny and what it means to be a son, but the Fox executives ordered them to ditch the existential themes and make the film a standard, gory movie that teens could enjoy on their date. Mel Brooks would later remark that he had never seen so much studio interference on a movie before.

The Invitation Recap

Jamie

Dear Reader, you are cordially invited to this spooky scary post where we discuss the sexy (but also scary, don’t forget that part) film The Invitation. It’s not the first time we’ve invited you to a vampire spookfest, but this is definitely for sure in the top ten sexiest of those vampire scarapaloozas we’ve watched. I mean, come on… Twilight? Ever heard of it? Queen of the Damned is sexy, I think. Vampire Academy, Priest, Vampire in Brooklyn, Dracula 2000… once we get to the Underworld franchise we’ll be swimming in sexy, so… top twenty. At least the top twenty sexiest of the vampire films we’ll watch for BMT. So RSVP like your life depends on it… because it just might. Bwahahahaha.

To recap, Evie is working hard as a caterer trying to make ends meet. She lost her Mom a while back and feels lost. It’s all about fambly, as Vinny D would say. Oh ho, what’s this? She happens to be catering a function for a DNA sequencing company and the swag bag contains a test that will help you connect with unknown fambly? How fortunate for the plot of this film. That’s because she does it and immediately matches up with a snobby rich guy from England who is a little too thrilled to meet her. He invites her to London for a wedding and she accepts, obviously. Upon arriving she meets what appears to be an unbearably rich count (who is also super hot and steamy). Count Steamy is embarrassed by his actions and spends the next half of the movie trying to woo her. He’s quite successful at it. He’s also quite successful at eating the wedding staff cause, you guessed it, he’s a sexy vampire. Just when things are heating up he really throws cold water on the whole affair by revealing that A) he’s a vamp. B) that the wedding she’s attending is actually between him and her. C) being his wife requires the general murder and eating of people. She’s not into that (no matter how steamy he is) and tries to escape. Ultimately Count Steamy is too powerful and she is turned into his bride/a vampire. But with her new super vamp powers she turns the tables on him and burns the whole thing to the ground. Later we see her going full vampire hunter and taking out all the bad vampire-loving richie riches. Sequel anyone? THE END.

The concept of this film is good. The DNA matching angle is clever (although the setup is strained) and then when things get weird I feel like it hit a stride that I enjoyed. Unfortunately there is a whole 45 minute middle part of the film that seems convinced that it’s the next Twilight or something. Or like the creator wanted to make Get Out (but with vampires) and the studio was like “juuuust a bit more sexy though. Get Out is kind of sexy, right?” and it’s like what? It went on so long that I started to wonder whether I was crazy and the film was actually going to turn out to be Twilight and the vampire was actually good (and sexy). But he wasn’t, so I’m not sure what the purpose of all the sexy stuff really was. I wish it got weird quicker and then stayed weird longer. As it is they had a very fun scene that was quickly followed by the vampire getting totally roasted. Very mixed. Could have been good, but not really bad.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Do it! Do it, Evie. Did being a vampire seem all that bad? Hear me out. You get a forever fambly. That’s pretty good. In fact, it seems like everything you ever wanted. Not enough? How about immortality? Ever heard of it? If a fambly and immortality isn’t enough let me go right for the pocketbook. And not just yours, either. Sure you’re rich, but think of all those villagers that rely on Count Steamy for their day to day livelihood. Jobs, Evie. J-O-B-S. Do you hate jobs? Do you hate the economy? Just cause you can’t stomach drinking a little blood here and there you want to put everyone in this village out of a job. Disgusting. You disgust me. Hot Take Temperature: Charleston Hot.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! The Invitation? More like I Think I’m Busy That Night, amirite? Dracula is back jack! And this time he’s reimagined. Let’s go!

The core story here is actually uh … kind of good? I love the idea that this is a modern film that posits that the events of Dracula were inverted. Dracula won, married Lucy, and he now basically runs a cult in England / Romania and is living forever. That’s a cool story. Even the prequel would have been a cool story.
The beginning of the film gives me whiffs of Get Out and it was pretty disappointing that the friend, Grace, didn’t show up again as a foil to the overly serious Dracula story.
Which I guess is an issue. I can’t decide if the story is better as a serious alternate Dracula story (complete with reveal), or if it is better as a half-tongue-in-cheek story that partially plays off of current social issues and stuff.
Ultimately the overly serious tone falls apart a bit because the acting outside of Evie is juuuuuuuust a bit overwrought. Walter in particular looks and acts like a fake person. Like they created him in an AI simulation as the epitome of British poshness. Similarly Oliver feels more like a British trope than an actual British person.
The twist, if that is what you can even call it, while interesting, feels weak and undercooked. I wish the horror interludes throughout with the gross looking vampires didn’t exist either. In the end they went all in with horror and, in my opinion, it blew up in their face.
Here’s my pitch. Evie and her friend are invited to England for a wedding. They show up and things are going very well, albeit there are every so often weirdo bits that they shrug off as things lost in translation as they are American. Being caterers (i.e. “the help”) they hang with the maids, but they keep on disappearing. That’s weird, but the maids don’t really know what is up, and Evie and Grace are having fun so whatever. Meanwhile there is a straight-from-Jane-Austin romance happening between Evie and Walter which is very sexy. Suddenly in the third act at the big wedding dinner things just go off the rails. Grace is “killed” and Evie wed to Walter and the horror of all of the events are fully revealed. Everything is now very very not-sexy. But at the last second Grace reappears alive as a full blown vampire hunter, and they start taking everyone out. The whole thing is Dracula and the woman who killed herself in the beginning is Lucy from the book. In my version Lucy and Evie and Dracula’s original wife all look identical and that is part of Dracula’s twisted immortality: destined (and cursed) love. The End.
But I liked the movie more than I would have expected.
Definitely a Setting as a Character (Where?) for jolly ol’ England. And I’ll toss out a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that Walter is, in fact, the actual Dracula from the book. I think this is closest to Good.

Read about the sequel, The Invitation 2: Dracula Reborn in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Invitation Quiz

Oh man, so I just saw that I have a new cousin in England and I am invited to a swanky wedding. The only issue was on my way I slipped into the ‘brary and got bopped on the head by some creature. Now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in The Invitation?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Our hero, Evie, is just living her life in NYC when she finds out she has very wealthy British relatives. Where does she get the DNA test?

2) When she arrives at the mansion she sees a bunch of totally normal things, like maids who walk out of a van and are numbered … normal. What room is she forbidden from entering?

3) Remember those numbered maids? Can you remember how all five died?

4) So, why do they want/need Evie to wed Walter?

5) Who does Evie and Grace go to beat up at the teaser at the end of the film?

Bonus Question: Back in NYC Evie is back to being a normal poor person. But there is a knock at the door. Who is it?

Answers

The Invitation Preview

Jamie and Patrick wander the streets of New York. “Is that good?” asks Jamie, pointing to a crosswalk signal. They watch it for a while and indeed it does seem like it’s a good thing. It tells people when to safely walk across the road. “And that’s… good, right?” Patrick says, brow furrowed. Jamie agrees. It’s a good thing. He resists talking about how lame it is, despite its goodness, because they’ve turned over a new leaf. As they continue on their walk they are approached by a man. “Wait, aren’t you two the Bad Movie Twins?” Patrick begins to respond in the negative. They are just plain ol’ twins now. But before he can explain the man double punches them in the stomach. “That’s for making fun of Paul Blart,” he says and leaves them groaning on the ground. “Maybe we just aren’t meant to be good,” Jamie says, on the verge of tears, “even when we’re just following traffic laws someone wants to punch you in the stomach because of all the bad things you said about Paul Blart. Maybe Paul Blart is good and we are bad.” He’s full on weeping on the sidewalk at this point and Patrick is embarrassed. None of this is good. What is good anyway? Just before he turns into the Joker, a glint of shiny paper catches his eye. He crawls across the sidewalk and grabs the piece of paper. “Jamie!” he yells in excitement. Jamie crawls over to join him and gasps when he reads the paper. “This is good,” he whispers. The paper isn’t just any piece of paper. It’s an invitation to appear on a talent show entitled America is Very Good. “It’s not just good, it’s our destiny,” Patrick says resolutely. That’s right! We are watching The Invitation, which apparently is based on Dracula, a property we’ve returned to a number of times on BMT. Keep ‘em coming. Let’s go!

The Invitation (2022) – BMeTric: 48.3; Notability: 13

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 5.2%; Notability: top 12.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.8%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Brazen, The Bubble, Jeepers Creepers: Reborn, They/Them, Moonfall, Firestarter, Morbius, Blacklight, Me Time, Pinocchio, Spiderhead, Deep Water; Higher Notability: Jurassic World: Dominion, Black Adam, Pinocchio, Amsterdam, Morbius, Disenchanted, The School for Good and Evil, The Bubble, Moonfall, Deep Water, The Man from Toronto, The King’s Daughter, Spiderhead, Don’t Worry Darling, The 355, Where the Crawdads Sing, Blacklight, Samaritan, Slumberland, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and 10 more; Lower RT: Jeepers Creepers: Reborn, After Ever Happy, Me Time, Blacklight, Firestarter, On the Line, Brazen, The Last Manhunt, Morbius, Prey for the Devil, Hot Seat, Home Team, The King’s Daughter, The Bubble, The Man from Toronto, Senior Year, The 355; Notes: Decent BMeTric. For year-of films it often feels like we are hitting up all ‘dem 50+ BMeTrics, or we are watching a kind of entertaining film with a BMeTric of 10.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – During these last, lazy days of summer, there isn’t a whole lot to do. Still, you’re probably going to want to RSVP “no” to “The Invitation.”

(What a pun. It is nice to know there is still a place in the theatrical schedule for a solid August dump, you know? I fear it is an endangered species.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Fzczrdt9K0/

(Kind of looks like a standard glossy modern vampire film. The only exception is that the beginning looks more inspired by Get Out … I’m going to assume that inspiration didn’t go anywhere since I haven’t seen it mentioned anywhere as particularly notable in that regard.)

Directors – Jessica M. Thompson – ( Known For: The Light of the Moon; BMT: The Invitation; Notes: Directed the limited series The End for Showtime. This seems to be have been poised to be her breakout feature.)

Writers – Blair Butler – ( Known For: Polaroid; Future BMT: Hell Fest; BMT: The Invitation; Notes: Seems to be a pretty consistent horror writer at the moment. Also wrote an episode of Helstrom.)

Actors – Nathalie Emmanuel – ( Known For: F9: The Fast Saga; Army of Thieves; Furious 7; The Fate of the Furious; Maze Runner: The Death Cure; Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials; The Titan; Last Train to Christmas; Holly Slept Over; Twenty8k; BMT: The Invitation; Notes: Probably most famous as Missandei on Game of Thrones. She’s British and her first role, naturally, was on the soap opera Hollyoaks.)

Thomas Doherty – ( BMT: The Invitation; Notes: He’s been in a bunch of television including (and completely unsurprisingly) the Gossip Girl reboot. He looks like Gossip Girl incarnate.)

Sean Pertwee – ( Known For: Equilibrium; Doomsday; Dog Soldiers; The Reckoning; Goal! The Dream Begins; Swing Kids; Howl; I.D.; Alan Partridge; The Seasoning House; Mutant Chronicles; Goal II: Living the Dream; Love, Honor and Obey; Wild Bill; 4.3.2.1.; Prick Up Your Ears; Ultramarines: A Warhammer 40,000 Movie; Shopping; Blue Juice; Wilderness; Future BMT: Formula 51; BMT: The Invitation; Event Horizon; Soldier; Notes: He’s the son of the Third Doctor, Jon Partwee. He’s probably most notable now as playing Alfred in the show Gotham.)

Budget/Gross – $10 million / Domestic: $25,100,080 (Worldwide: $33,700,080)

(I mean … that ain’t bad. No one is getting fired over some quick horror cash during a terrible box office year, I’m telling you that much.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (16/62): Despite a very likable lead and a refreshingly light touch, The Invitation is ultimately too predictable to thrill as either a romance or a horror story.

(Yeah, I think that sounds about right. It seems like they leaned too heavily into the vampire and missed the opportunity to do something a bit more interesting. Maybe for the sequel.)

Reviewer Highlight: Despite some ambitious efforts to revitalize hoary horror movie tropes with allegorical commentary on race, class and male privilege, “The Invitation” is too wearyingly hackneyed for too much of its running time. – Joe Leydon, Variety

Poster – DJ Spinvitation

(Looks like the front of a video game or something. It’s actually hard to connect this to a film, it’s gone so far from a typical movie poster. It’s actually almost meta. Like the poster is extending an invitation to watch the film… which just so happens to also be named The Invitation. Wish the font was better… and kinda everything else. Some OK artistic flourishes. C-.)

Tagline(s) – You are cordially invited to a nightmare generations in the making. (C+)

(This is actually OK if you ignore how long it is. It’s kinda clever with the “cordially” in there juxtaposed with “nightmare”… or am I being too kind. I’m probably being too kind.)

Keyword(s) – year 2022

Top 10: The Batman (2022), The Kashmir Files (2022), Top Gun: Maverick (2022), Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022), Thor: Love and Thunder (2022), Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022), Uncharted (2022), The Adam Project (2022), The Northman (2022), The Gray Man (2022)

Future BMT: 63.5 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 63.4 Firestarter (2022), 52.1 Radhe Shyam (2022), 50.0 Umma (2022), 45.8 The 355 (2022), 44.3 Jurassic World: Dominion (2022), 37.8 Memory (2022), 26.2 Amsterdam (2022), 10.7 Black Adam (2022), 7.4 Where the Crawdads Sing (2022)

BMT: Moonfall (2022), Morbius (2022), Blacklight (2022), The Invitation (2022), After Ever Happy (2022), The King’s Daughter (2022), Prey for the Devil (2022), Don’t Worry Darling (2022)

Best Options (Horror): 63.5 Jeepers Creepers: Reborn (2022), 63.4 Firestarter (2022), 50.0 Umma (2022), 48.0 The Invitation (2022)

(Many good choices here, but The Invitation worked the best because Firestarter is going to be pushed to a different category and Umma is just a little too weird.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 26) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sean Pertwee is No. 9 billed in The Invitation and No. 5 billed in Soldier, which also stars Kurt Russell (No. 1 billed) who is in Tango & Cash (No. 2 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (9 + 5) + (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 26. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 25.

Notes – In an interview with Bloody Disgusting, director Jessica M. Thompson revealed that an alternate “R-rated” cut of the film will be released in VOD and streaming following the theatrical run. In the other version, more gore, violence and nudity are added which were removed from the theatrical version for a PG-13 rating.

As Evie exits the airport, the last picture shown on the wall is of Whitby, the supposed location of the film, and the place that Dracula was said to have landed in England.

Originally titled “The Bride”.

The statue of a dragon on top of an armored knight, is a reverse of the traditional imagery of Saint George slaying a dragon.

Goof: The Rolls-Royce Evie exits is left hand drive but should be right hand drive since they are in the United Kingdom.

Carfax Abbey is the name of the estate purchased by Dracula in the original Bram Stoker book, so the name New Carfax Abbey hints at the owner’s identity.

The old couple that recapture Evie after her escape are named Jonathan and Mina Harker, which are the names of two very prominent characters in the book Dracula.

Lucy, one of the brides of Walter (The Vampire), is also the name of the victim of Dracula in the 1992 Film and original book.

Walter’s surname, “De Ville”, is a play on “devil.” In modern Romanian, the English translation of “Dracul” is “devil,” further hinting at his true identity as Dracula.

According to director Jessica M. Thompson, there were two alternate endings for the film, one that was filmed and one that wasn’t. The unfilmed ending would have had Evie keep her vampiric powers, despite killing Walter/Dracula, and going out into the world to hunt other vampires while the filmed ending would have had Dracula survive the fire at New Carfax and return by ship to Romania, killing the crew and passengers on the way to survive. Thompson was not a fan of that ending as she felt it took away from Evie’s triumph to have the vampire live to see another day and also because she felt it would suggest there would be sequels, sentiments shared by the test audiences as they also hated that ending. Thompson’s original idea for the ending, which is what the final film ends on, was shot several weeks before the film’s release and required the use of a double for Hugh Skinner as he was unable to film the scene. It also allowed there to be one more scene for Courtney Taylor, who was an audience favorite during the screenings.

Apollo 18 Recap

Jamie

There are some genres that have oversized importance in BMT. Exorcism movies, for example. I feel like we’ve watched like 1000 exorcism movies and they are all basically the same. Like some woman is in an insane asylum and the doctors are all like “she’s been here for thirty years and all she draws is this dumb picture over and over and she never talks.” Then our main character walks in and she starts singing like Ring Around the Rosie in a child-like voice before screaming with sharp demon teeth and lunging at the main character… that’s a general picture of all of those movies. They are some of the worst films we’ve ever watched. Then there are some significant genres that for whatever reason it seems like we’ve only ever dipped our toe. Found footage feels a little like that. Never even seen a Paranormal Activity film, so some real big ones are missing. So of course we decided to do a very minor (and very weird) entry in the genre with Apollo 18.

To summarize, my gawd! Someone just posted some secret footage on lunartruth.com. And boy howdy, you won’t even believe it. It’s all this stuff about a super duper secret Apollo 18 moon mission run by the government. The astronauts are psyched and agree not to tell their families and off they go to space. Everything seems to go well. Walker and Grey get to go to the surface and have some moon fun with their moon friends until, wait… what’s that? They find a Soviet moon lander. But the Soviets didn’t land on the moon. WRONG! They did and they died. Meanwhile the astronauts have also collected all these moon rocks and didn’t they put those rocks in one place? So why are they in a different place?!?!?!?! Spooky. They prepare to leave the moon cause it’s too scary but on launch the module is damaged by an unknown force. When they try to go out and fix things, Walker is attacked and we see an alien in his suit. By the time Grey is able to get him back inside he finds that he has a moon rock embedded in his chest. Walker begins to act very strange and is clearly a moon alien person, but Grey won’t give up on him and tries to get him to the Soviet lander as it’s their only chance. On the way to the lander Walker realizes he can’t go back and infect Earth so he runs off and Grey goes on to the lander by himself. He is just able to take off, but before he gets to the command module he is infected by the aliens and they all crash and die. THE END.

I am bewildered by the existence of this film. It feels like a SyFy original or something. I’m not even sure it would make it on some of the streamers nowadays and appears to only exist because there was a very brief moment where the demand for found footage was so high that supply couldn’t keep up. They had to figure out everything and anything that could theoretically be a found footage film. Its biggest crime is that there is never a single solitary scary moment in the entire 86 minute runtime. Not only is it not scary because all the events took place 50 years ago on the moon (not feeling the existential threat in that), but also because they actively appear to not want to do anything scary. It’s mostly just a couple of old timey pals saying “aw shucks” in a lunar module. I guess I appreciate it because it’s a supremely weird film, and I kinda dug some of the acting, but that doesn’t make up for this being barely a movie. Feels almost like a viral marketing campaign for a movie that never came out. Like during the credits it would say “JK, that actual movie is coming out next year. Hope you enjoyed the trailer.” As for The Dark Side of the Moon, it certainly fit nicely with Apollo 18. I liked the effort put forth and the more bizarre aspects of the plot (mostly concerning the Bermuda Triangle and an advanced AI computer system that was made to look like a sexy lady… odd). Works best just like it is: a low budget science fiction oddity that you can throw on late at night for some fun. Pretty much what we are looking for.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Lunartruth.com is a government website. It’s a set up. A government conspiracy to leak the Apollo 18 info and then be all like “whaaaa?” We see at the end of the film that the lunar module crashes into the command module. The footage was on these modules. So how did that footage get found? There must have been an Apollo 19 (spooky!) that set out just to collect the footage (scary!). Then Apollo 20 set out to collect the debris left behind by that mission after it was overrun with moon rock aliens and exploded. Apollo 21 set out to help Apollo 20, which found they didn’t have the power to lug all that back to Earth. Apollo 22 was set up to analyze the debris in space, once they realized they couldn’t let Apollo 20 or 21 return for fear of infection (they all died of hunger). Apollo 23-32 were sent up to supplement the analysis until Apollo 33 was sent to destroy all the previous Apollo’s, turn them into space dust, and then return with the pertinent info. Once back home they locked the footage away, killed the Apollo 33 astronauts and said they all died testing out weather balloons. Years later when some people started sniffing around the much scarier events surrounding Apollo 34 (you don’t wanna know, it’s too scary), the government decided to release the decidedly unscary Apollo 18 details in order to muddy the waters. Hot Take Temperature: Blazin’. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Apollo 18? More like Appalling 18! Amirite?! Oh, good, my favorite horror genre. Found footage. Let’s go!

Oh you piece of trash genre. You are the genre that keeps on taking. Taking hours from my life, and money from my pocket. Begone trash genre! BEGONE!
Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. This isn’t the worst the genre has to offer but it is pretty bad. Below average for sure. Because …
It isn’t scary.
It makes no sense.
You know everyone is going to die and you don’t care.
To start from the top: I was not scared once during this film. This is a problem because it is a horror film. This is self-explanatory.
This movie is nonsensical. You’re telling me that the Russians landed on the moon and the dark side of the moon is filled with rock spiders? That’s the conspiracy here. That for 50 years no one has figured out that there is life on the moon and that that life is rock spiders and the Russians landed on the moon at one point? Give me a break.
Which immediately points to the fact that obviously everyone is going to die in the film, because … then we’d all know about the rock spiders right? And the Russian thing? There is no way they could come back. A little deflating that.
Funny, that isn’t even the biggest crime of the film. The biggest crime is that they made a fake conspiracy website as an advertising mechanism and then IN THE MOVIE they pretend the movie was posted on that website. Thanks, I hate it.
I’m going to give it a resounding Setting as a Character (Where?) for the moon. That’s a rare one. And it is also a Secret Holiday Film (When?) because the launch is specifically right around Christmas, they say so. And of course a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate reveal that the dark side of the moon is filled with rock spiders which take over your body and kill you somehow. This is a BMT film through and through.
To go with Apollo 18 we obviously needed to find another film, set in the future, featuring the dark side of the moon. What’s this, there is a film literally called The Dark Side of the Moon?! How convenient. This movie is pretty bizarre. It is about a group of astronauts traveling behind the moon who suddenly lose power. At the same time a very old shuttle from NASA floats up and they’re like “what thuuuuuuuu?!” Ultimately it turns out that the pilot of the shuttle is the devil himself (not joking) who is gearing up to finally get his 666th victim (how inconvenient). Oh, did I mention that Satan lives in the triangular region that stretches between the dark side of the moon and the Bermuda Triangle? Yeah, the Bermuda Triangle is quite literally the devil’s playground. Anyways, they defeat the devil, the end. Weird film. B-, weird enough to be somewhat interesting, but not interesting enough to be fun.

You best believe I describe the super secret sequel Manchurian Candidate 2: Apollo 19: Rock Spiderverse Chronicles in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Apollo 18 Quiz

Oh man. So here’s the thing. I was up on the moon (natch) when a rock punched into my gut and made me go literally insane for some reason. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Apollo 18?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Why do they say they are going back to the moon?

2) How long is the planned mission to the moon (the original duration … da da da!!!!)?

3) What oddity do the astronauts find while exploring a nearby crater, though?

4) There are little extraterrestrials though. What do they look like?

5) Well, we better get away from these aliums then! What ultimately happens to the three astronauts?

Bonus Question: Smash cut to Houston as we slow zoom in on a sterile white room. What’s in the room?

Answers

Apollo 18 Preview

Patrick stops his car in the parking lot of a local Bob’s Big Boy. He shudders at the thought of the unhealthy cuisine held within, but knows that’s just the Stallone talking. He looks over in the front seat at young Kyle and wonders how long the rap for kidnapping is in 1989. If Tango & Cash is any indication, jail isn’t a place for Sly Stallone. “Kid, I got a lot of explaining to do.” Over the next four hours or so he details the history of BMT and the role he eventually plays in it. By the end the child looks up at him in wonder. “Mr. Stallone,” he squeaks, “that’s a great story and all, but what am I supposed to do about it?” What indeed? As he looks around he sees an ad in the window of the Big Boy detailing “out of this world prices.” Out of the world? Space? Space and time! “Kid,” he says to Kyle, “buckle up cause we’re going galactic.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” Kyle says, concern etched on his face. At first he had listened to Jamie’s claim that he wasn’t actually Frank Stallone with curiosity, but when the Dongle came up his face darkened. Jamie doesn’t know what he can do, frustration builds until he does the only thing that comes naturally and belts out the first verse of Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer. Kyle is moved. Not only is the song a beautiful soft rock ode to the human form, but channeled through the voice of Frank Stallone it takes on an otherworldly beauty. Kyle stops in his tracks. When he turns Jamie sees tears in his eyes. “Alright,” he sighs, “but I can’t make any promises.”

That’s right! We’re going galactic for the otherworldly beauty of Apollo 18, one of the lesser titles in the found footage surge we experienced following The Blair Witch Project. We are pairing that with a moon-centric straight-to-video horror The Dark Side of the Moon from 1990. Gotta love the moon… seriously, what are you some animal who hates the moon? It does so much for us and asks so little. Let’s go!

Apollo 18 (2011) – BMeTric: 59.0; Notability: 23

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 6.8%; Notability: top 28.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 19.7%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Darkest Hour, The Roommate, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Zookeeper, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, Cars 2, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Hop, Your Highness, New Year’s Eve, Jack and Jill, The Smurfs, Battle Los Angeles, Red Riding Hood, Sucker Punch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, The Hangover Part II, In Time, Johnny English Reborn, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Season of the Witch, and 51 more; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, Faces in the Crowd, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, The Darkest Hour, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, There Be Dragons, The Moth Diaries, and 27 more; Notes: Fantastic BMeTric there. We talking about Zookeeper level? That’s impressive.

Entertainment Weekly – D+ – In space no one can hear you scream. Or groan. Apollo 18 hopes to tap into the same shivery, voyeuristic vein as its found-footage predecessors The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, but it doesn’t seem to understand how those films managed to get under our skin. While their half-a-shoestring budgets forced them to be inventive — transforming mundane sights like shaking tents and swinging doors into conductors of genuine fright — this purported documentary of the final, secret moon landing is just a Hollywood production playing pauper: the grainy 16mm film doesn?t mask the fact that the movie is put together with the same juddering editing and bad characterization as most traditionally shot thrillers.

(“I doubt many will be checking the far corners of their lunar modules.” And that right there’s the rub, right? Why is this scary when the monsters exist on the dark side of the moon and are so remote as to be unknown to even the biggest conspiracy nuts for 40 years?)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RGhKzUUaME/

(Excuse me? In the years that followed there was unconfirmed evidence of Apollo 18. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but the film itself purports that they got the evidence only after some hero posted it on the internet! Looks terrible.)

Directors – Gonzalo López-Gallego – ( Known For: Open Grave; The Hollow Point; El rey de la montaña; BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: He’s mostly an Editor. He, for example. Edited the BMT classic Backdraft 2 …)

Writers – Brian Miller – ( BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: There is literally nothing about this guy. He wrote and directed a short called Paracusia.)

Cory Goodman – ( Future BMT: Underworld: Blood Wars; BMT: The Last Witch Hunter; Priest; Apollo 18; Notes: Do yourself a favor and look at the posters for all of the movies this guy wrote … they look all the same. Dark with shades of blue/green.)

Actors – Warren Christie – ( Known For: Land; Gray Matters; Beneath; Magic Flute Diaries; BMT: This Means War; Apollo 18; Notes: Huh, he played Bruce Wayne in the Batwoman series. From Ireland.)

Lloyd Owen – ( Known For: The Man with the Iron Heart; Free Ride; Miss Potter; Thugs of Hindostan; The Republic of Love; BMT: Apollo 18; Notes: I thought I recognized him! He’s Elendil in Rings of Power! Funny. Didn’t recognize him without the beard.)

Ryan Robbins – ( Known For: Dangerous; Spectral; Life on the Line; Passengers; Coffee & Kareem; The Confirmation; Reasonable Doubt; Vampire; Scorched Earth; Wrecked; Boundaries; Liberty Stands Still; Stark Raving Mad; Manson, My Name Is Evil; Unrivaled; Marilyn; Cold Blooded; Future BMT: The Shack; BMT: Warcraft; Seventh Son; Walking Tall; Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem; Catwoman; Paycheck; Apollo 18; Notes: Mostly a television actor I think. He was in 26 episodes of Riverdale. Although, he is a seemingly big character names Zero in the Sniper series.)

Budget/Gross – $5,000,000 / Domestic: $17,687,709 (Worldwide: $26,236,153)

(And here you see why this film was made. A cool profit, easy peasy, and if it had ended up being even remotely good they’d be swimming in sequels and making money hand over fist.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (18/75): A boring, suspense-free Paranormal Activity rip-off that feels long even at just 90 minutes.

(Oooooooooooof. Something feeling long at 90 minutes is a bad sign. And I HATE found footage already.)

Reviewer Highlight: Make no mistake, Apollo 18 is a *terrible* movie. – Keith Phipps, AV Club

Poster – Sklog-pollo 18

(I like the font, but like… come on. Even looking at the poster I’m thinking “you can’t be serious.” But they were… they were serious. C+.)

Tagline(s) – There’s a reason we’ve never gone back to the moon. (C+)

(Yeah… money. It does the job. Wish it was more clever.)

Keyword(s) – past

Top 10: The Shawshank Redemption (1994), Forrest Gump (1994), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Django Unchained (2012), Gladiator (2000), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Saving Private Ryan (1998), Schindler’s List (1993), The Prestige (2006), Shutter Island (2010)

Future BMT: 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 69.7 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 64.5 The Final Destination (2009), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 57.6 Bolero (1984)

BMT: Epic Movie (2007), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Fog (2005), Movie 43 (2013), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Glitter (2001), Holmes & Watson (2018), The Master of Disguise (2002), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Grease 2 (1982), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Jonah Hex (2010), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Wild Wild West (1999), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Black Knight (2001), Chernobyl Diaries (2012), A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), The Musketeer (2001), An American Haunting (2005), Apollo 18 (2011), Ishtar (1987), The Nun (2018), The Curse of La Llorona (2019), Pinocchio (2002), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Bones (2001), Shanghai Surprise (1986), House of Wax (2005), Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991), Season of the Witch (2011), The Tuxedo (2002), Mannequin: On the Move (1991), Pompeii (2014), Ghost Ship (2002), Assassin’s Creed (2016), The Scarlet Letter (1995), Timeline (2003), Dolittle (2020), The Quest (1996), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Wagons East (1994), The Three Musketeers (2011), Diana (2013), Ben-Hur (2016), Rambo III (1988), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), The Blue Lagoon (1980), Cutthroat Island (1995), Texas Rangers (2001), Sucker Punch (2011), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001), Jobs (2013), Universal Soldier (1992), Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), Original Sin (2001), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), American Outlaws (2001), Winter’s Tale (2014), Harlem Nights (1989), The Identical (2014), I Dreamed of Africa (2000), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Chamber (1996), The Marrying Man (1991), Wild Bill (1995), In Love and War (1996), Sleepaway Camp (1983), Gods and Generals (2003), The Lone Ranger (2013), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Halloween II (1981), September Dawn (2007), Young Guns II (1990), Oscar (1991), Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011), Evening (2007), The 13th Warrior (1999), White Comanche (1968), Gangster Squad (2013), Now and Then (1995), A Dog’s Purpose (2017)

Best Options (Horror): 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 72.9 The Unborn (2009), 70.3 Texas Chainsaw (2013), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 65.8 The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 59.7 Exorcist: The Beginning (2004), 59.0 Apollo 18 (2011), 55.1 Annabelle (2014), 54.9 The Quiet Ones (2014),… (and many more)

(As you can see there were a lot of options. Probably the other one that we might have done would have been the notorious Exorcist: The Beginning, but Apollo 18, having come out the year we started BMT, has been on the table for so long we had to do it.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 26) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Warren Christie is No. 2 billed in Apollo 18 and No. 7 billed in This Means War, which also stars Reese Witherspoon (No. 1 billed) who is in Devil’s Knot (No. 1 billed) which also stars Bruce Greenwood (No. 9 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 6 billed) => (2 + 7) + (1 + 1) + (9 + 6) = 26. If we were to watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde we can get the HoE Number down to 20.

Notes – This film was shot using old camera lenses from the 70s.

The prologue text at the beginning of the movie states that the documented footage of the secret Apollo 18 mission was uploaded to the website “www.lunartruth.com”. When the movie was in theaters, if you typed that address into your browser, it would redirect you to “apollo18movie.net”, which was the movie’s official website. Both sites have since been shut down.

This film has no score.

NASA’s liaison for multimedia, Bert Ulrich, has officially stated that “Apollo 18 is not a documentary … the film is a work of fiction.”

The actual Apollo 18 lunar mission flight crew would have been the Apollo 15 backup crew: Richard Gordon (Commander), Vance Brand (Command Module Pilot), and Harrison Schmitt (Lunar Module Pilot). Because of his expertise in geology, Schmitt was moved to Apollo 17 after Apollo 18, 19, and 20 were canceled.

Not screened in advance for critics.

Gerry Griffin, who worked as a Flight Director for every manned Apollo mission, is a technical advisor.

The release date was moved several times, from March 4, 2011 to April 22, 2011, then an almost entire year to January 6, 2012, then it was advanced to August 26, 2011 and finally was released on September 2, 2012.

An earlier version of the movie had giant moon rock monsters in it. Although they do not feature explicitly in the final cut, some brief glimpses of much larger rock spider creatures can be seen as the lunar rover carrying Captain Anderson (Warren Christie) and Lieutenant Walker (Lloyd Owen) flips over; and just before Walker is killed, a large shadow approaches him, and his body is quickly dragged away afterwards, suggesting a much larger creature.

The Loft Recap

Jamie

If I had made a list of top 10 films we missed for BMT, The Loft would have been high up on it. Why? Exactly. Why, indeed. Why did they make a cliche thriller filled with TV actors? The promos for the film must have felt like a Jets-Bills game from the mid-2000’s. Marsden! Urban! Battle of the titans on Thursday Night Football. And to think Eric Stonestreet was in the middle of his Modern Family streak when he did this. Arguably he’s the biggest name in the film. Besides our boy Wentworth Miller. He’s a star in our eyes.

To recap, Karl Urban is a real piece of trash who happens to also be the hottest architect in New Orleans. He’s got a great group of friends, so why not share a creepy sex loft with them? Right? I mean, it’s only logical. His friends are mostly like “uh, what?” but inexplicably they all eventually agree that is makes sense to split this loft like a bunch of sex criminals. Obviously one day they find a dead woman there and they’re all like “what thuuuuu…” They point fingers at one another and we find out through flashbacks that they really are just garbage cans dressed in human clothes. One of them had an affair and now is a real saddo. The other fell in love with a prostitute and is a real saddo. The third is a big drug addict and is a real saddo. The fourth was already a saddo. The fifth was Karl Urban and wait a second! He’s not a saddo at all! In fact he seems quite satisfied with his weird sex condo! He must be the criminal! Doesn’t help that Wentworth Miller taped them all in the apartment like a creep and caught Urban sleeping with everyone they loved. Well that settles it, he killed the woman (almost forgot about her) and so let’s frame him for the murder he definitely committed. But wait, Marsen is a little suspicious. Some of this isn’t adding up. So he goes back to the loft and confronts to saddest saddo of them all (who’d ever suspect?!), Wentworth Miller. Turns out he was so sad that he decided to kill the girl and frame Urban cause… uh… Urban was the only thing that stood in the way of him being with the woman… who he just killed. Anyway, he then jumps from the balcony and six months later everyone is like “that was crazy, right?” THE END.

So yeah, the whole movie is trashy. It’s fun in a ridiculous way. Nothing totally makes sense in how a few of them get away with what would at the very least be obstruction of justice and at worst be a failed attempt to frame their friend for a murder he didn’t commit. And it’s that throw-caution-to-the-wind, who cares if it makes sense attitude that really puts this over the top in terms of BMT thrills and chills. Most films fall flat by overthinking things and ultimately overexplaining their convoluted noir-lite plot into mundanity. This gloriously underthinks its noir-ultra plot into BMT-ity.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The entire premise of the film is false! It’s set up like having a primo sex loft is every trash philanderers dream. No seedy motel receipts, they say. No fake work trips or calls from people wondering if they want you to drop off the handcuffs you left at their place, they explain. Everything your garbage heart desires is there at… The Loft. But guess what is even more suspicious than all that? Going fivesies on a high end loft in the 46th largest city in the United States. What’s that gonna run each of them? Ten grand? Ah yeah, sure is far less suspicious than a $125 hotel room for the zero nights you are actually going to cheat on your wives. This isn’t even a hot take. This whole film is an ice cold take. Hot Take Temperature: Salt & Vinegar.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! The Loft? More like The Daft! Amirite? Hey guys, want to all get in on this sweet f-shack plan I got going. Don’t worry, it is in my incredibly conspicuous apartment building complete with a balcony overlooking the French Quarter of New Orleans. No? Let’s go!

The plan is even more ludicrous than it sounds, and the motivation for Urban is completely impenetrable. He’s an incredibly rich architect who seemingly gets all of his “friends” in on an f-shack. But he, like, owns the place? So are they going five ways on the mortgage? The HOA fees? And these four other people, that money isn’t being noticed by any of their wives? Them disappearing randomly doesn’t arouse any suspicion? No one, not once, happens to notice Urban hanging on the balcony of that apartment and then later one of his friends (with a woman) and puts two and two together? Are they just like not using that balcony? SO MANY QUESTIONS!
I put friends in quotes because one of the people is the half-criminal half-brother of one guy. Another is a borderline alcoholic who can’t keep his shit together. So … again, why are these the people you are choosing for your f-shack timeshare?
The only thing that really makes sense is that Urban gets off on control, and the most extreme version of that is controlling his friends in a pact in which they’re all committing adultery, but also Urban is having sex with their wives or girlfriends or sisters and stuff in the same bed? But given what we see about him, his f-shack timeshare would have been put to much much better use as a transaction with the other high flying philanderers of the city. He truly is Icarus, flying too close to the sun with his weirdo plans.
And then in the end only one person goes to prison for the murder? Yeah, not buying it. I have a feeling this is a “lost in translation” moment, but the four conspirators who seemingly fake-frame Urban (although Wentworth Miller secretly plans on for-real-framing him) ultimately kill someone. I’m pretty sure that in the end all four could be held responsible for negligent homicide as part of a felony murder (although reading up on it it is possible that that wouldn’t apply since they didn’t commit any other felony / that felony didn’t explicitly involve danger to life? It is possible this is also not the case in Louisiana). There are ways around it, but I just can’t imagine that once Marsden admitted to trying to frame Urban for murder and ultimately a woman dies in the process of that crime, that only the person who actually directly killed the woman would face serious consequences. That doesn’t seem right, but it is possible … I think I need to write into a law podcast to see what they think.
I do kind of like the Setting as a Character (Where?) for New Orleans since it is more subtle than one would think, but is made explicit at one point in the film in which Marsden passes a sign pointing the way to the French Quarter. And a definite Worst Twist (How?) for ultimately it all being a frame up planned by Wentworth Miller that went horribly wrong. This is such a BMT film it is insane, we had an hours long discussion about how ludicrous this film is.

Read about the sneaky sequel The Loft 2: Penthouse in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs