Truth or Dare Recap

Jamie

A bunch of dum-dums travel to Mexico to party it up one last time (literally). They end up playing a game of Truth or Dare in a spooky abandoned mission (naturally) and awaken a demon that uses the game to torment and eventually kill them one by one. Can they stop the demon before it’s too late? Find out in… Truth or Dare.

How?! I feel like I’ve written this one several times before. A bunch of (kinda douchey) friends are spending one last Spring Break in Mexico drinking and partying. Near the end of their time there they are invited out to a sketchy abandoned mission by a sketchy guy for sketchy reasons, but they follow him there (duh). He asks them to play truth or dare and they oblige because they are dumb. Turns out that he was using them to get more people involved in a demonic game of truth or dare run by a demon trickster. This demon trickster proceeds to torment them by having them reveal their deepest darkest secrets to each other or attempt death defying dares. When one refuses or is unsuccessful they are possessed and kill themselves. Weirdly, a lot of the truths and/or dares actually seem like they are helping the characters. Like they finally confront things in their lives that they’ve so far refused to confront. Like one guy has been scared to come out to his dad but the demon forces him to and he actually seems better for it. More true to himself. Kinda a good guy demon sometimes. Anyway, in the end they track down the source of the demon and find a way out of the game. But the demon is too tricky and smart and outwits them at the last moment. Our final girls are doomed but in a shocking twist (what a twist!) they post a video on YouTube inviting the whole world into the game thus dooming a significant number of people to death. Cooooool. THE END.

Why?! The motivations are where I think they could have played with the concept a little more. Like they have a bunch of people, most of who are objectively terrible, that get caught up in a game of terror with no other motivations other than to survive. Instead of having cartoonish misogynist Ronnie turn out to be a sensitive good guy… he is slaughtered in the first thirty minutes for laughs. Instead of having the fake prescription writing future med student learn the errors of his ways… he is also slaughtered. Instead of the two main characters knowing that while they’ll likely die as part of this game they actually were able to finally be fully truthful with each other after years of hiding their secrets away… they use the internet to turn the world to chaos (presumably). In the end it’s because the trickster demon of course doesn’t want to help them, he not some demon therapist trying to have them communicate better with each other or anything, but at the very least they could have acknowledged that that is kinda what the demon was doing. He helps a kid come out as gay to his homophobic dad for god’s sake!

Who?! I do want to discuss Ronnie a little bit. He’s not a true Planchet as his motivations are not pure (he is clearly a fratty horndog), but he does seem to just want to hang out with our terrible group of main characters and they’re like “gross, Ronnie.” There was opportunity to use him in a more creative way rather than as an obvious first kill… like why couldn’t the main character be dared to hook up with Ronnie but then find he’s actually a good dude and it’s all an act? Nope. Just killed off after his 1000th joke about wanting to bone some hot chick with big bazongas or whatever.

What?! The use of SnapChat, Facebook, YouTube, etc. throughout the film isn’t product placement perse. Seems more like a little signaling to let youngsters know that the writers “get it” and aren’t a couple fuddy-duddy old people. In particular when the main character says that she uses YouTube for videos about her volunteer work and SnapChat if just for fun. Classic. And yes, I used the term “fuddy-duddy” to signal to all the octogenarians that read BMT that I “get it.”

Where?! A nice balance of Mexico and California. They seem to go to the made-up Westlake University in the LA area as evidenced by the quick trips to Mexico, CA license plates, and bars and restaurants located in that area. While obvious it’s not super necessary to the plot. B+.

When?! Obviously around Spring Break, but we are no treated to an exact date. Weirdly our main characters are lured into playing the game by a previous group of players desperate to try to save themselves. It’s clear from some articles we see in the film though that this previous group was playing around June 4th. So we are either expected to believe that they have been continuing to play for almost a year or whatever school these dum-dums go to has Spring Break in the middle of June. I choose neither. They probably just screwed up the timing when making the props or whatever. C+.

I was actually really surprised at how bad this film was. Felt very Rings or Ouija to me and that’s not what you typically get from Blumhouse. They are supposed to deliver high concept horror/thriller, but this literally seems like the lowest, most cliched concept with a terrible script to boot. Patrick pointed out to me that rewrites aren’t generally in the cards for the budgets that Blumhouse are after but… I mean… at some point you have to, right? This was really bad. At moments you could get whiffs of Happy Death Day (which similarly had the main characters be damaged and somewhat unlikeable), but then it would disappear like a mirage. Is it better than Slender Man… eeesh. Probably. But barely and that’s not a good look. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What do you get when you cross Rings with Final Destination? Apparently a really dumb film with a terrible ending … let’s get into it!

The Good – The film looks okay. The concept is also at least original to a degree, with a kind of trickster demon being the crux of the whole thing. It is just Rings, so originality is really only superficial ultimately. I liked the actors even if they were terrible. And I still think I like Blumhouse. I think the concepts they bring to horror and the way they make them is fantastic for the genre and, honestly, I hope that similar things can be done with other flagging genres. Like rom coms, or original sci fi, or fantasy, see what you can do with a small budget and small television actors and see if there is any interest. Although the issue will likely be that horror audiences are dependable, you almost always get at least $10 million from teenagers no matter how bad the film is.

P’s View on the Preview – Everything pointed towards this being a boring PG-13 horror film. The only thing that made me a bit curious was why they added new rules to the game. In the preview it was suggested that you have to do a dare after two truths in a row. That isn’t real. That isn’t a real rule! That is just some made up bullshit to make sure the people in the film didn’t find the most obvious loophole to the stupidest game of all time. I was hoping I was wrong, but I wasn’t. Sigh.

The Bad – This film is not scary, is mostly boring, and the hook is silly to the point of just making my laugh (like The Bye Bye Man). The entire film is predicated on the assumption that no one gives a shit that a handful of people who all know each other are killing themselves and dying and shit. Number one thing people would assume it that these people are all on some crazy drugs, they wouldn’t be running around solving mysteries. The action doesn’t start quick enough, the acting is bad, all of these people are horrible people I don’t care about who make poor decisions and are dumb. If not for the ending I would have just said the film was shiny nonsense like Flatliners, but the ending might be one of the worst shoulder shrugs of an ending I’ve ever seen. It pushes it right into Bye Bye Man level nonsense. Like … I hate this movie? Wait … is this dog poo in my face at the last second three pointer!?

You Just Got Schooled – Do you know what would be fun? Looking through the wiki page on the game Truth or Dare in general. First we have this bonkers 1986 straight-to-video feature. WTF, the writer-director was 18 when it was made! There are also films of the same name in 2011, 2013, and 2017 which is pretty incredible. The game itself seems to date to at least 1712 described thusly: “A Christmas game, in which the commander bids his subjects to answer a question which is asked. If the subject refuses or fails to satisfy the commander, he must pay a forfeit [follow a command] or have his face smutted [dirtied].” It also is similar to the ancient Greek game basilinda where a king would tell him subjects what acts to perform. Fun. Facts.

The BMT – This probably enters the worst endings hall of fame for me personally. Somehow the ending to Rings worked, whereas this just feels like a cop out. I’ll probably also note this as a bigger version of what we saw in The Call starring Halle Berry where the ending flies so totally in the face of how a character acts throughout the film that is it jarring and weird. Otherwise is just stands alongside Slender Man and Bye Bye Man and the like. Supernatural horror churns out a ton of films (five qualifying films this year alone) so it isn’t a surprise we collect them like pokemon.

Welcome to Earf – There was a zero percent chance I was getting any connections without looking up at least the first step. The number one best option would have been The Canyons starring Lindsay Lohan and (for reals, third billed) Nolan Funk … which I’ve seen, but it wasn’t released to enough theaters to count for BMT. So I’ll have to fall back to Sam Lerner who played our first hapless victim Ronnie, and was a child actor in the Jack Black classic Envy with Ben Stiller, who was in Zoolander 2 with Owen Wilson, who was in I, Spy with Eddie Murphy, who was in Norbit with Terry Crews, who was in Blended with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earth! Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – Interestingly the cred is a little thin here. It is obviously mentioned in review-based worst of lists (like this one), but elsewhere it seems to be ignored. There are individual reviews lamenting it as one of the worst of the year though. I certainly think it is. But some people seem to disagree about the ending in particular. I think that up until that ending they had a chance to be an Ouija with a decent prequel. Now? Trash.

This film is pretty bad, and now I’ve seen seven films from this year. From worst to best I think I would currently put them at: (1) Fifty Shades Freed (2) Show Dogs (3) Truth or Dare (4) Slender Man (5) Death Wish (6) The Predator (7) Hunter Killer. Stay tuned for an updated list.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

 

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Truth or Dare Quiz

In Truth or Dare a group of teens get challenged by a demon to a game of well … truth or dare. On this website a demon (me) challenged a group of people to a game of Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) When we meet our garbage dump of a hero she is very hesitant to go a-partying in sunny Mexico. What does she have plans to do for spring break instead, and why does she decide to go?

2) In Mexico a man named Carter traps them in a deadly game of Truth or Dare (ah, that’s the name of the movie!). Name as many of the truth/dare as you can.

3) In the end all but two of our seven newcomers to the game die. How did those five (Ronnie, Tyson, Penelope, Brad, Lucas in that order) die? Bonus for the other two players we see die as well.

4) In the end what is the only way the players can end the game?

5) How can the players end the game once the option described above is impossible, and what ultimate decision do they make concerning the game?

Answers

Truth or Dare Preview

In deep pursuit of the parkour thieves who ruined Arf Collector Von Schnauzer’s promising career in dog showery, Jamie and Patrick don their alter egos, the Angels of Death, and become vigilantes of the night. You a criminal? Better watch out cause the Angels of Death might lure you into a criminal trap and totally take you out when you try to do criminal things. Just sitting there thinking about criminal things? Still watch out, they don’t like people thinking about being criminals. Next thing you know you might be doing those criminal things. You trying to stop them from stopping criminals? That’s probably OK if you are the police, but if you are a criminal and want to stop them so that you can continue to be a criminal then watch out! Jamie and Patrick go about their vigilante business for a while until one day they find a cell phone on the ground with a text message that tells them the exact whereabouts of the secret lair of the parkour thieves. What luck! They go to this hideout in an abandoned doll factory and start knocking the bad guys out with their patented Twin Chop®. Their bloodlust cannot and will not be satisfied until those responsible are held accountable. Justice! They finally arrive in the office of the parkour ringleaders and tell them to drop their weapons and give up because justice is there and it’s not square. The two ringleaders look at each other and pull back their hooded sweatshirts. Jamie and Patrick gasp. “My god, they’re beautiful.” Two beautiful ladies are the ringleaders. “Who… who are you?” Jamie stammers. “Ready to play a game?” One responds. “Just call us Truth or Dare,” the other one finishes. That’s right! We’re watching one of the many trash horror films to come out this year, Truth or Dare. Much like Ouija this seems to be an attempt to take something that not really all the spooky (a rousing game of Truth or Dare) and make it super scary spooky. Maybe Hide and Seek is next. Wait, that just might work. Let’s go!

Truth or Dare (2018) – BMeTric: 57.2

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(I’m rather intrigued by how swiftly it seems to be rising. It is still really really low obviously. Sub-5.0 would have put it among the worst of the year, but it is getting to the point where it is perhaps merely “quite bad”.)

RogerEbert.com – 2 stars –   [T]he joke is on our heroes, but this time, every cruel punchline is seemingly pulled at the last minute. We’re supposed to like these victims, not gasp in horror and delight when they’re compelled to die campy—but bloodless!—deaths by an evil game you play when you’re kinda bored and kinda hormonal, but not imaginative or bold enough to do much about it.  

(Oh shit. Burned. I’m just hoping the film isn’t terribly boring. For the most part do you ever like these people … I’m flashing back to The Gallows now, where everyone was just a complete dick to everyone and you just didn’t give a shit that they were dying.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgnk3MLw9TM

(Sigh. That just looks like any of the other terrible supernatural horror films we’ve seen. Rings, The Bye Bye Man, Slender Man, etc. And it doesn’t seem to have a hilarious Bye Bye Man I can laugh at. Double sigh.)

Directors – Jeff Wadlow – (Future BMT: Cry Wolf; True Memoirs of an International Assassin; Kick-Ass 2; Never Back Down; BMT: Truth or Dare; Notes: Katie Couric’s nephew. He was interviewed on Today by Katie Couric.)

Writers – Michael Reisz (screenplay by & story by) – (BMT: Truth or Dare; Notes: Worked on Boston Legal at the time that it won a Peabody Award. Is a prolific voice actor. Was a lawyer prior to entering the entertainment business.)

Jillian Jacobs (screenplay by) – (BMT: Truth or Dare; Notes: He first foray into screenwriting (at least credited). Was a producer for Big Brother in 2012, and is writing the upcoming Fantasy Island film which also stars Lucy Hale.)

Christopher Roach (screenplay by) – (Known For: Non-Stop; BMT: Truth or Dare; Notes: Appears to be a writing partner of sorts with Jillian Jacobs. He has produced hundreds of episodes of reality television, and written mostly WWE specials.)

Jeff Wadlow (screenplay by) – (Future BMT: Prey; Cry Wolf; True Memoirs of an International Assassin; Kick-Ass 2; BMT: Truth or Dare; Notes: Wait … literally this entire film’s crew is writing and directing Fantasy Island. Which is also a Blumhouse production. I don’t know if any of Blumhouse’s nostalgia adaptations have worked (or even come out) yet, Jem and the Holograms certainly didn’t.)

Actors – Lucy Hale – (Known For: Scream 4; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2; TinkerBell and the Secret of the Wings; BMT: Truth or Dare; Notes: Won American Junior Competition in 2003, and signed a record deal in 2012. Seems like her acting career is taking off though.)

Tyler Posey – (Known For: Men of Honor; Future BMT: Yoga Hosers; Maid in Manhattan; Collateral Damage; Legendary; BMT: Scary Movie 5; Truth or Dare; Notes: The son of long time television actor John Posey, who is vaguely famous for playing the original Danny Tanner in the Full House pilot. Tyler and John both star in Teen Wolf.)

Violett Beane – (Known For: Slash; BMT: Truth or Dare; Notes: Oh shit, she’s in everyone’s favorite show! That’s right, God Friended Me!! Was also a major character on The Flash.)

Budget/Gross – $3.5 million / Domestic: $41,254,705 (Worldwide: $94,841,481)

(My God. Yeah, Blum has this down. I can’t say it is a particularly pretty model at times, but it certainly harkens back to the early 80s when a cheap camcorder, a dozen willing teen actors, and a mask could make you a cool hundred million for $30K. Like … I doubt Truth or Dare 2 would happen, but does it need to happen really? They just made $100 million!)

#57 for the Horror – Supernatural genre

truthordare2017_supernaturalhorror

(I guess we haven’t looked recently, but it is pretty nice to see how popular genres operate in this regard. It isn’t necessarily that you make more money per theater. It is that you are in more theaters that tend to mean your genre is having a moment. Also these I think have been getting cheaper as well. We’ve seen 19 of these. Hmmm, what could be our twentieth? I wish I could tell you it would be Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, but it is going to be The Nun. Spoiler alert.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (21/141): Truth or Dare’s slick presentation isn’t enough to make this mediocre horror outing much more frightening than an average round of the real-life game.

(Slick presentation … that’s intriguing maybe. That points to maybe the director having an interesting idea. Although this review suggests otherise. Reviewer Highlight: It does nothing to cleanse Mr. Wadlow of the lingering stench of his 2013 effort, “Kick-Ass 2.” Even so, some setups can be unwittingly funny. – Jeannette Catsoulis, New York Times)

Poster – 2 Rich 2 Poe: The Return of Truth and Dare (D+)

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(It’s daring but in a bad and not good at all way. Really I can’t say there is anything I like with this poster other than the boldness of choosing a weird poster with a giant pink question mark on it. That’s enough to move it a little out of the basement though.)

Tagline(s) – The Producer of Happy Death Day and Get Out invites you to play. (F)

(No.)

Keyword(s) – forced suicide; Top Ten by BMeTric: 57.2 Truth or Dare (I) (2018); 45.7 Unfriended (2014); 41.7 Village of the Damned (1995); 38.6 The Boogey Man (1980); 34.8 Little Evil (2017); 30.7 Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013); 30.4 Marked for Death (1990); 30.3 By the Gun (2014); 30.3 Crawlspace (2012); 30.1 Push (2009);

(Huh, interestingly rich keyword it looks like. Obviously all horror films (or thrillers maybe). And bam, got the best one apparently. Although … wouldn’t The Happening count?)

Notes – The menacing grin that comes with the killing Truth or Dare force is nicknamed the Willem Dafoe grin, and is in part inspired by his menacing smile and the facial disfigurement of the Gustavo Smile. (I had to look it up, thinking it was a real thing. Dafoe plays Gustavo in a short I think, but whatever)

The actors had to mimic the facial structure of the Calux smile prior to the CGI rendering of the face itself. (I guess Calux is a demon or something? All the pictures are basically of The Joker though, it seems fictional)

The game Truth or Dare has existed by record for centuries, with earliest history as 1712 suggesting origin in being a Christmas questions and commands game. (fun facts)

The mission in Rosarito, Mexico does not exist and is actually a constructed set on a managed soundstage. (Cool)

Jeff Wadlow pitched nothing but the title and opening sequence to Jason Blum to get him to sign on to the film. (Well I can’t wait until the opening sequence then)

Jeff Wadlow had been drawing scary grins since high school and after becoming acquainted with snapchat and the face altering filters became inspired to give the entity Calux such a grimace as he takes control of the characters.

Released on Friday the 13th like the previous Blumhouse teenage slasher film “Happy Death Day” (2017), which also bore a PG-13 thematic rating despite featuring the unexplicit murder of teenage protagonists and mild, grisly demises.

An Unrated version of the film was released featuring more gruesome death sequences of the characters, prolonged dare sequences at the Rosarito Mission in the beginning and a racier sex scene between Lucy Hale’s Olivia and Tyler Posey’s Lucas. (Hope we got that, since the theatrical cut is PG-13 I think)

The warped faces caused by the force are edited to resemble the bizarre morphs of Snapchat and various phone photo application filters, particularly the Big Eyes, Big Mouth filter. (Huh, that is one way to keeps costs down)

The film was initially going to be released on April 27, 2018, but in January 2018 the release was moved up two weeks from its original release date of April 27, 2018 to April 13, 2018. This was likely done to avoid competition with the highly anticipated “Avengers: Infinity War” (2018) which is set to be released on April 27, 2018. (I mean … maybe. They, maybe surprisingly, probably do have considerable audience overlap)

The brand of cigarettes the girl at the beginning of the film asks the cashier for are the same brand smoked by The Smoking Man in the TV Series “The X-Files”. (lol, okay, these notes are starting to push it a bit)

Stars Hayden Szeto and Morgan Lindholm previously appeared together in the unreleased short film Never Have I Ever (2016) .. also centered around a popular party game. (That’s ridiculous)

The first Blumhouse feature marked in title by Jason Blum’s distributing company handle. (Oh that is interesting though, got a bit of cache it looks like)

The game itself operates by rules: 1. The option.of Truth amongst the players can only be selected twice before the game automatically sets the next selected participant to do Dare. 2. The game passes along from group to group. 3. The game’s truth aims at turning others against one another, and establishing complete honesty of character 4. Dares are physically dangerous challenges that usually resulting in severe bodily harm or death. 5. Refusal of the options results in immediate grisly death. (Number two is bullshit)

The library scene in which the game forces Olivia to reveal Markie’s frequent affairs on Lucas pays homage to actress Lucy Hale’s role as Aria Montgomery on “Pretty Little Liars” (2010-2017), in which her character was harassed by an anonymous game playing assailant entitled A, who would on occasion turn the protagonists of the show against each other and have Hale’s character reveal other’s affairs. (I don’t care about this note except to say that yet again we have a horror film going to the library. Y’all best not besmirch the library)

Jaws: The Revenge Preview

Jamie is spirited away by Vampiro to the nearest Viking settlement, all the while grumbling about the threat of the little old librarian. “You must forgive me,” he implores, “I never thought this day would come.” Upon arriving at the settlement Vampiro whispers in the ear of their leader Vikling. Vikling stares in astonishment and beating his spear against his shield summons the warriors of his clan to kneel. “He has come, the destined warrior. He shall defeat Vlurg, the Viking scourge of Vikling.” Jamie is led with knees a-quaking down to a seaside cave which serves as the home of Vlurg. Tiptoeing in he comes face-to-face with the most terrible creature he has ever witnessed. It’s got horrific teeth and a full six-pack. Its nicely muscled legs are well proportioned to its bulging biceps. It is like a giant, horrific looking Dwayne Johnson. Just a true specimen of a monster. It smiles sickly and takes a step forward but catches its toe on a rock and trips. In a crazy freak accident it falls and snaps it neck, instantaneously killing it. Dragging the corpse from the cave Jamie is cheered. “You have defeated Vlurg! Now we can use Vlurg as bait for the monstrous Frang. For it is your destiny to defeat Frang for Vikling. You don’t even want to know what Frang is… I’ll give you a hint: It’s a giant shark.” Jamie can only sigh sadly. That’s right! We’re finally finishing the Jaws franchise with Jaws: The Revenge. Apparently it’s now the case that the shark is stalking the Brody family and follows them down to the Caribbean to kill once again. This is the worst plot imaginable and yet the most ludicrous parts of the novelization (the shark was cursed by a Voodoo woman with a grudge against the Brody’s!) didn’t even make it into the film. Let’s go!

A stunned Patrick stares at Stick and Stones, his mouth agape. “What is the Z-Movie Multiverse?” Sticks and Stones visibly relax, their corruption seeming to be glossed over by a much more interesting question. “Gosh dern it. Well, you see, the world you come from is one universe among many. The one your buddies Rich and Poe come from is the Bad Movie Multiverse. That’s where the Obsidian Dongle came from originally, and it connects all of the bad movies that ever were and ever will be. This? This is a slightly … less polished universe, the Z-Movie Multiverse. Where all of the borderline unwatchable garbage comes from. Something happened to send you here, and we’re here to help send you back. You don’t belong here. Get it?” Patrick stares blankly at Sticks and Stones. “Wait … Rich and Poe are real?!” “Enough talking,” Sticks says gruffly and grabs Patrick and throws him through the next door onto a beautiful beach set. “Just watch for the birds.” Patrick looks around at the weird hovering CGI birds, unmoving and non-threatening. “This place is so weird.” He says, knocking one of the birds down easily and wandering down the beach after Sticks and Stones. That’s right! We are also watching Birdemic: Shock and Terror. One of the worst films ever made, this not-really-a-film has become a cult classic alongside Troll 2 and The Room among bad movie aficionados. Let’s go!

Jaws: The Revenge (1987) – BMeTric: 88.6

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(Below 3.0 is absolutely crazy. Not that surprising that the rating is going up with the votes … except usually with truly worst-films-ever type deals people are literally seeking out the film to try and see a terrible film, so sometimes it stays really low. So maybe it doesn’t really quite fit into that category.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Watchable but mediocre retread of Jaws, the fourth time around, with Gary as the widow of sheriff Scheider (from the original film) who’s convinced the great white shark is deliberately seeking out and killing off members of her family. Marginal movie sunk by stupid, abrupt finale; Caine wasted in frivolous supporting role.

(Watchable … is an interesting word to use here. Everywhere else I’ve heard it is literally so dumb it is unwatchable. I’m also surprised this isn’t a BOMB. This is one of the worst reviewed films of all time, so it does seem like Leonard is going a bit light here.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnYzwUkm-PY

(This is a real television spot. There is also a crazy “trailer” on youtube, but the music choice (Blondie’s One Way Or Another) suggests that it is probably fake. So I’ll stick with this one. It is … fine. The conceit of Jaws hunting this one family down is ludicrous though since “Jaws” is killed at the end of each and every one of these films. One more and they might have gone full Halloween and made some story about a cult creating a super-Jaws to attack the family which would have been amazing.)

Directors – Joseph Sargent – (Known For: White Lightning; The Taking of Pelham One Two Three; Colossus: The Forbin Project; MacArthur; Future BMT: Nightmares; BMT: Jaws: The Revenge; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director for Jaws: The Revenge in 1988; Notes: Directed of the more famous original Star Trek shows (The Corbomite Maneuver). Was directing from the 1950s, with this being his last non-TV movie of his career.)

Writers – Peter Benchley (characters & novel) (uncredited) – (Known For: Jaws; Jaws 2; The Island; Future BMT: The Deep; BMT: Jaws: The Revenge; Jaws 3-D; Notes: Was a speechwriter for Lyndon Johnson, he wrote the novel Jaws that the entire series is based on.)

Michael De Guzman (written by) (as Michael de Guzman) – (BMT: Jaws: The Revenge; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Jaws: The Revenge in 1988; Notes: Was nominated for a Primetime Emmy for the TV movie Caroline? (Also directed by Sargent). This was his only non-TV movie of his career.)

Actors – Lorraine Gary – (Known For: Jaws; Jaws 2; Car Wash; Future BMT: 1941; BMT: Jaws: The Revenge; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress for Jaws: The Revenge in 1988; Notes: Has been married for 62 years! Her and Sidney Sheinberg got married when they were 19 and 22 respectively. She declined a spot in acting school to study political science at Columbia. This was her last film, she had retired in 1979, but came out of retirement to reprise her classic role in Jaws.)

Lance Guest – (Known For: The Last Starfighter; Late Phases; Future BMT: Halloween II; BMT: Jaws: The Revenge; Notes: Has done a lot of theater, including a somewhat notable role as Johnny Cash most recently that he has seen some acclaim for.)

Mario Van Peebles – (Known For: New Jack City; Ali; Heartbreak Ridge; The Cotton Club; Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song; How to Get the Man’s Foot Outta Your Ass; The Hebrew Hammer; Stag; Future BMT: Highlander III: The Sorcerer; Solo; Exterminator 2; Gunmen; Posse; Submerged; We the Party; Multiple Sarcasms; BMT: Jaws: The Revenge; Notes: Son of Melvin Van Peebles, who is widely credited for helping to create the Blaxploitation genre. Has a B.A. in Economics.)

Budget/Gross – $23 million / Domestic: $20,763,013 (Worldwide: $51,881,013)

(Like … not bad. But at that point Jaws had become a punchline. It ended up (somewhat oddly) representing the 80s trope of running series into the ground. This is despite the fact that the horror series like Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street did that way better than Jaws ever could. And yet it was Jaws that was made fun of in Back to The Future Part II.)

#26 for the Christmas – Setting Only genre

jaws4_christmassetting

(From the (very incomplete) list, we’ve only seen Getaway. It is interesting that they seem to have been a major thing in the 80s and early 90s, but their ability to pull in the big bucks seems to have waned over the years.)

#51 for the Creature Feature genre

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(Literally just watched two of these in the Anaconda Series. The Predator is coming out this week, so it seems somewhat likely we could go back-to-back as well. I couldn’t say why it waxes and wanes … maybe it takes a bit to reload and look around for the new tech needed to really kick start the genre every couple of years.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/34): Illogical, tension-free, and filled with cut-rate special effects, Jaws 4 – The Revenge is a sorry chapter in a once-proud franchise.

(Was it a once proud franchise? When? After the second and before the third when they explicitly sold out to become a giant advertisement for Seaworld? Reviewer Highlight: The shark models have so little movement that at times they seem to be supporting themselves on boats, instead of attacking them. Up until the ludicrous final sequence of the movie, the scariest creature in the film is an eel. – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times)

Poster – Watch Out! I’m a Big Ol’ Shark and Imma Gonna Get’cha! (A-)

jaws_the_revenge_ver2

(OK… I love this poster. I would put this up on my wall. Both because it’s fun and it’s also funny because you’re not sure whether the shark or the person is out for revenge… the idea that the person is out for revenge is already hilarious. But the idea that the shark is out for revenge is even funnier.)

Tagline(s) – This time… It’s personal. (FFFFFFFFFFuck)

(That is crazy. It’s straight up a joke. Like someone got tired, suggested it as a joke, and then had it taken seriously.)

Keyword(s) – 1980s; Top Ten by BMeTric: 88.6 Jaws: The Revenge (1987); 86.5 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003); 86.0 Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987); 85.5 Jaws 3-D (1983); 82.3 Glitter (2001); 81.1 Sex and the City 2 (2010); 76.2 Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989); 74.7 Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988); 73.2 Howard: A New Breed of Hero (1986); 72.3 Caddyshack II (1988);

(Kind of a funny mix of films that are set in the 80s and films that were actually just … made in the 80s. We are actually definitely going to finish this list … and I don’t even think it’ll take that long. I have absolutely no idea why Sex and the City 2 would have this keyword attached.)

Notes – This is one of British screen legend Michael Caine’s notorious “paycheck pictures”, along with The Swarm (1978), Ashanti (1979), Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979), The Island (1980), The Hand (1981) and Blame It on Rio (1984). When Caine was asked about this movie in an interview, he answered, “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.” (classic anecdote … how did he survive making five paycheck films in four years though?)

Lorraine Gary’s final film, and her first film role in eight years.

The movie’s main tagline “This time it’s personal” was parodied in Back to the Future Part II (1989) where the fictional “Jaws 19”, directed by Max Spielberg, has a movie poster that says, “This time it’s REALLY personal!”. The phrase “This time it’s personal” has since become a clichéd tagline for several sequels. (Deserved there … although Back to the Future Part II must have been on their game. These two films were released in the same year)

Michael Caine accepted his role after seeing only the first line of the script, which was, “Fade in: Hawaii”. Caine had wanted to shoot a movie in Hawaii for a while. (lol)

The original script features a cameo for Richard Dreyfuss’s character from the original Jaws (1975), marine biologist Matt Hooper. In Hooper’s scene, he calls the Brodys and is greeted on the phone by Thea, who knows him as “Uncle Matt”. Hooper is established as being close to Michael and Carla, who calls him “my second favorite marine biologist”, and he gives them his condolences about Sean’s death. Hooper and Michael discuss their careers, the late Martin Brody, and Hooper’s once spending Christmas with the family, with Martin dressed as Santa Claus. The scene ends when Michael heads off to summon Ellen to the phone to talk to Hooper.

Roy Scheider was offered a cameo, but declined, stating “Satan himself could not get me to do Jaws part 4”. Reportedly, if Scheider had accepted the bit part, the shark would’ve killed his character at the start of the movie. The end result has Scheider in the film through archive footage from the original film that is inserted during some scenes in the film.

This film is listed among the 100 Most Enjoyably Bad Movies Ever Made in John Wilson’s book “The Official Razzie® Movie Guide.”

The only movie in the franchise which doesn’t take place in the summertime. The first Jaws takes place around July 4th, Jaws 2 takes place in June, Jaws 3 takes place at some point in the summertime, and this movie takes place around Christmas and New Year’s (Secret holiday film?)

According to this film, the events that occurred in Jaws 3-D (1983) never took place, which would explain why Mike did not marry Kathryn, and why he isn’t working as an engineer at SeaWorld, and this also would explain why Sean now works as a Deputy in Amity Island, as if he never moved to Colorado. (HA)

Would be one of Judith Barsi’s last films before her untimely death, at the age of ten, one year after this film’s release. Lance Guest, who plays her on-screen father Mike Brody, served as one of her pallbearers at her funeral. (Oh gosh, that is a terrible story)

Bruce the Rubber Shark was nominated for a Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actor in this film, thus making him the first animal nominated for one. (Probably the first not-real thing as well)

Michael Caine said: “Won an Oscar, built a house, and had a great holiday. Not bad for a flop movie.” He was paid 1.5 million dollars for seven days work in the Bahamas, and the schedule was so tight, that the producers were unable to spare him, so that he could attend the Oscar ceremony, and he went on to win the Best Actor in a Supporting Role Oscar for Hannah and Her Sisters (1986).

Mario Van Peebles wrote his own part.

Michael Caine is the second actor to follow up an Academy Award-winning performance with a Razzie Award-nominated performance in a Jaws (1975) sequel. The first was Louis Gossett, Jr., who won an Oscar for An Officer and a Gentleman (1982), and then was nominated for a Razzie for Jaws 3-D (1983). (Amazing. Why did I not remember that Louis Gossett, Jr. won an Oscar?)

Set mostly in the Bahamas, the film’s storyline includes its Junkanoo Festival, previously known to movie-goers from also featuring in the earlier James Bond movie Thunderball (1965). The annual parade is also featured in the later movie After the Sunset (2004). (Bahamas baby. We are a-traveling the Caribbean)

Mostly set in the Bahamas, the bulk of the movie was filmed on Oahu, Hawaii’s North Shore, near Turtle Bay, and on the northeast side of the island.

Director Joseph Sargent briefly looked into the possibility of producing the movie in 3-D, and contacted the company who had supplied the cameras for Jaws 3-D (1983). However, they told Sargent that they could not guarantee the cameras would work reliably in the climate of the Bahamas, and so the idea was scrapped. (Good)

Comedian Richard Jeni considered this the worst movie of all time, and built a substantial portion of his stand-up comedy act around it. (Lol here’s the link)

On the TV Tropes site, the film, specifically the novelization, is the Trope Namer for Voodoo Shark, defined as an attempt in a story to explain away a plot hole, except that it falls flat, because the explanation itself is a plot hole, and which ends up raising more questions. The name of the trope refers to the novelization of the film, which explains the shark’s motivations as being the result of a curse by a voodoo witch seeking revenge on the Brodys after a scuffle with Michael. (HOLY SHIT THEY DID HALLOWEEN IT!)

According to ‘Rating the Movies,’ “After a miserable theatrical showing in the U.S., the film was given a new ending for its European release.” The ending is the version where when the shark is stabbed, the shark is blown to pieces (using three shots from the first movie). This ending also has Jake (Van Peeples) floating around after the shark’s destruction. When the film was released to video in North America, the European ending was used. When AMC aired Jaws: The Revenge in the early 2000s, they would show the American ending where the shark is stabbed, bleeds profusely, then sinks. As of 2014, however, AMC shows the European ending, rather than the American one. This often leads to confusion for viewers on the original ending, when watching a re-run on television. (Wowza, that is a bit nuts)

The shark’s head exploding is explained when Jake throws an explosive, that’s powered by electrical impulses into the shark, before he is grabbed by the shark and taken under the water, and later when the shark is impaled by the broken bowsprit in the exact spot where the bomb is, it ignites the bomb, which causes the shark’s explosive demise. (I’ll leave that there, that is ludicrous)

Awards: Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Visual Effects (Henry Millar, 1988)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Joseph Sargent, 1988)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (1988)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Lorraine Gary, 1988)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Michael Caine, 1988)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Joseph Sargent, 1988)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Michael De Guzman, 1988)

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid Recap

Jamie

When a company discovers that a rare flower is the key to eternal life they send a group of scientists to find it. They hire a boat to go into a remote region of Papua New Guinea but soon find themselves trying to escape a large number of giant anacondas. Will they get out before it’s too late? Find out in… Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid.

How?! A bunch of scientists are totes excited about a chemical they’ve discovered in a flower called the blood orchid that will greatly extend life. Unfortunately this flower only blooms once every seven years or some shit and only in a remote area in Borneo. They head on out there, hire a boat, and then wonder whether they’ve heard this story before because it sure is ringing some bells. Anyway, they are sailing smoothly along until flooding looks like it is too bad to continue. “No way!” says a definitely-not-evil scientist and offers the captain some more money to continue on. This is a mistake as they immediately go over a waterfall. With their boat trashed they have only one option: trek through the jungle to try to find help. This is also a mistake as they begin to be eaten by giant anacondas… which makes no sense but whatever. Eventually they find their way to a village that has been ravaged by anacondas and they use the remnants of the huts to build a raft. However, the evvvviiiilll scientist is like “No way!” and kills one of the crew and steals the raft. Once again the only recourse is to trek through the jungle to steal the raft back and once again this is a mistake as several more people are eaten by anacondas. Finally they corner the evvviiiillll scientist in the blood orchid garden who falls like a dumbo into a writhing mating ball of anacondas (their words, not mine). They then blow up all those snakes and jet away on their raft. THE END.

Why? MacGuffin. baby! They just want that sweet, sweet blood orchid to make bank on a drug that extends life. Interestingly, unlike the first anaconda film they also provide a reason that the snakes are so huge. Since the blood orchid extends life and anacondas continue to grow bigger over time they are huge because they feed on the orchid. Unfortunately they never explain how anacondas are in Indonesia. It really seems like they wrote a random python movie and then were like “yo, wait. You remember that smash hit that came out seven years ago? What if…”

What?! A+ MacGuffin here as it even appears in the title of the film! The Blood Orchid is so classic that you could use it as a joke to exemplify a terrible and hilarious title to a film. Like Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Or actually the recent Speed 2: Cruise Control. We are kind of on a subtitle roll at the moment.

Who?! Despite a rather large animal part in this film for a monkey named Kong, we unfortunately didn’t get a credit for Kong himself. We did get a credit for a monkey trainer named Tim Williams. He trained animals on the BMT films Cradle 2 the Grave, Failure to Launch, Transformers, and Zookeeper (an underrated classic). Training that gorilla to sing Apple Bottom Jeans must have been really hard.

Where?! It is very clearly set in Borneo… they say it a whole bunch. We also get a map that places it clearly in the Indonesian area of the island. Just a great great great mapl.de.map location. Although it makes no sense as anacondas are not indigenous to Indonesia. Or even anywhere outside of the Americas. Really this should have been giant reticulated pythons (already the largest snakes in the world). B+.

When?! There is nothing more I could have wished for than for this to be a secret holiday film. Like they’re floating up the river and one of the doctors remarks that he can’t believe he’s spending Christmas in Borneo. As it is, the best we get is one of the technologists saying that he’s missing a Knicks game so October to April (I’m not including playoffs since it’s the Knicks. BOOOOOOM!). F.

This fits nicely into a certain type of BMT film we stumble upon rather frequently (most recently Righteous Kill). It’s a film that by all accounts should have been a direct-to-video release, but somehow made it onto the release schedule. In this case it was probably just an opening in the schedule and they thought “what the hell, the first one did really well.” All things considered this should have just ended up on video and we shouldn’t have ever seen it. But we did… and it’s kind of boring. I will say that there is a level of insanity (especially at the end) that could be entertaining at times. The production quality just wasn’t there. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Remember that film you made like … 5 years ago? No, you remember it, is had Ice Cube and a big snake or something. Wasn’t it popular? Screw it, let’s make a sequel. Let’s get into it.

The Good – I learned why you don’t watch borderline-straight-to-video sequels to films made in the mid-2000s. There is an adorable monkey in the film. They really flesh out the Anaconda mythos (joking, read the rant).

P’s View of the Preview – Generating the preview the thing that really struck me was how everyone in the film was television actors. So watching what one could put together with a television budget, cast, and (honestly) plot was going to be interesting. Oh, and of course just how Borneo the film is is always a fun settings time. This is one of those films I just never really imagined I would watch … it was shocking to realize it is nominated for a Razzie and thus an inevitable addition to BMT.

The Bad – Where to even start with this pile of garbage. The story involving magic flower anti-aging medicine is dumb. The CGI is awful. The obvious evil scientist twist is obvious. They say mating ball multiple times. They far too quickly dispatch the best character in the film, the boat named Bloody Mary … it is a surreal experience watching such a pointless film. It is hard to even put into words how very strange I found this film. How was this released to theaters and not just directly to the SyFy channel?

Get Yo Rant On – This is like the Halloween franchise problem all over again. There is no need to explain why Anacondas are big. They are big snakes. Reports (probably apocryphal) of enormous Anacondas have been reported throughout history. So why invent some magic flower as a MacGuffin which doubles as a bizarre explanation for why there are big snakes? No one cares. Why can’t Michael Myers just want to kill Laurie Strode … wait, wrong movie, one second … Why can’t I just have a big snake that likes to kill humans for sport without getting into why this snake is big? End Rant.

The BMT – This could end up being the most pointless sequel I’ve ever seen … is that a reason for being though? I guess. I can’t imagine ever recommending this film for anything. It just isn’t very fun … besides them saying “mating ball” like sixteen times … which is pretty awesome I have to admit. But no, terrible BMT film in my opinion.

Welcome to Earf – I need a little help to get started. So main badass Johnny Messner it turns out  is in The Whole Ten Yards with Natasha Henstridge who was in Ghosts of Mars with Ice Cube who was in Anaconda which we know we can get back to Here on Earth with … but for posterity, Anaconda has Owen Wilson who was in I Spy with Eddie Murphy who was in Norbit with Terry Crews who was in Blended with Adam Sandler who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!!

StreetCreditReport.com – Nothing! Not that surprising. Who cares about the second Anaconda film? It kind of barely exists. I would have hoped it could make some worst sequel list, but not really. No hope with creature feature lists since there are a million terrible SyFy films available. How did this thing get nominated for a Razzie?

We did indeed watch both films for this installment, so the only other real homework I could have done would be the two straight-to-video sequels they made … thanks but no thanks.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Anaconda Recap

Jamie

Terri Flores is a documentary film director searching for a mysterious Amazon tribe. Her and her film crew take a boat down the river only to pick up a mysterious stranger who immediately leads them astray. Can they survive his maniacal obsession with capturing a giant and dangerous anaconda and get back to safety before it’s too late? Find out in… Anaconda.

How?! The title and concept of the film would lead you to believe that a giant (perhaps mutant) anaconda is in fact the main foe at the center of this film. Alas you would be wrong. After a film crew (complete with nerdy professor and pompous British host) hire a boat to take them into the Amazon in search of a mysterious tribe called the Shirishamas, they stumble upon Serone, a Paraguayan snake hunter. He is obviously quite evil and is in actuality their main foe. He starts to murder, maim, and manipulate all the dumb dumbs on the boat to get it to go exactly where he wants to go: to face off against a giant anaconda mano a… uuuhhhh…. not mano. You see, the snake is not mutant or different at all. In fact it’s not even just one snake. They are clearly stumbling upon multiple giant anacondas. If they had stayed out of its lair everyone would have been just fine. But alas, Serone has different ideas. Once Serone has subdued the main scientist via a wasp in his scuba equipment (classic Serone) he gets them to go down a tributary that has been blocked off (presumably because there are giant snakes there). There he begins to hunt the snakes and the snakes begin to hunt them. By the end we get a climactic scene of Serone attempting to use Flores as bait in a snake trap. This backfires and Serone is eaten by the anaconda only to be thrown up to wink at the camera one last time. Flores and her cameraman then lay a trap for the anaconda and they blow it up. As they find their way out of the jungle they get a final shot of the Shirishamas which will win them an Oscar (although given how much they were able to shoot they’ll probably have to move the submission from documentary feature to the short subject category). THE END.

Why?! The crew just wants some sweet shots of that missing tribe. Serone just wants to bag a giant anaconda and will stop at nothing to attain this goal. The weird thing is to try to figure out Serone’s plan. Him and the riverboat captain are already in cahoots before the film starts. So in reality they could have taken the boat and hunted anacondas wheneva. But perhaps they needed the documentary crew’s funding to do so… then why trick them into allowing Serone onto the boat in the first place? Just have him be part of the riverboat crew. Also, why not just dump the crew when they get far enough up river? Seems like a terrible idea to keep all these people around who could sabotage Serone’s ultimate aim. Anyway, this leads me to conclude that secretly Serone wanted to be famous. He wanted to board the ship with the documentary crew on there, woo then with his knowledge and screen presence, and eventually shift the focus of the documentary to Serone: Anaconda Hunter. It’s the only logical conclusion.

What?! I don’t recall any product placements of significance. The anaconda is definitely Serone’s MacGuffin, but no one else wants to find that guy. Really the Shirishamas are closer to a MacGuffin as the audience is told that they are somehow important and mysterious, but little else is known about them. They are just an object of great interest to our characters because…

Who?! Uh… JLo? Ice Cube? Evah heard of them? I’ve been interested in finding some examples of a double musician-turned-actor film in anticipation of watching Edison Force starring LLCoolJ and Justin Timberlake, but totally forgot that we were literally watching one of those very films this week.

Where?! Brazil babbbbyyyyyyyyy. We get an intertitle and a map scene and the whole thing. Also anacondas are only found in South America and primarily in the Amazon, so pretty strictly has to be set in Brazil. I mean it would be totally ridiculous to set a film elsewhere and imply that there are anacondas there *slowly looks towards the DVD copy of Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid*. I’m leaning towards A-.

When?! Serone has no concept of time. There is only the time before he catches the giant snake and the time after he catches the giant snake (during which he is planning how to trick people into helping him find another giant snake). What I’m saying is that I don’t know when this takes place. F.

This film is actually a lot more fun than almost anything else we watch. Yeah the plot doesn’t make a huge amount of sense. Yeah the anaconda looks like garbage most of the time. But it’s kind of like a home invasion film where the main character keeps doing super dumb stuff and you just want to yell “don’t do that! He’s evil!” and it’s fun enough to go along with. It may not win any Smaddies Baddies in the end, but I found the whole experience satisfactory. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! What happens when you very intensely watch a film you’ve not only seen before, but you’ve seen multiple times and was one of the first “horror” films you ever watched in your life (in theaters no less)? Come into my mind and find out, let’s go!

The Good – I actually genuinely (hey, why are you laughing? I’m serious) liked this film in a weird way. Sure Voight is a bit over the top at (all) times, but the ensemble cast all seem pretty ready to fake interact with fake snakes and the scenery is amazing. With a strong willingness to just lazily float down the anaconda filled amazon tributary with our heroes I don’t see why you can’t have fun with this film.

P’s View on the Preview – Obviously I was here for one thing and one thing only from a bad movie perspective: Jon Voight. His performance is kind of legendary. From the weird accent, to him mugging for the camera, to the final regurgitated wink, the entire thing was a beautiful symphony. Fun fact: As the moment approached I started to convince myself that I had imagined the wink Jon Voight’s corpse performs after being regurgitated by the Anaconda … I did not, and, appropriately, I burst out laughing when it happened.

The Bad – Owen Wilson and Kari Wuhrer were probably the weakest in the cast, mostly there to betray everyone (in Wilson’s case), cry (in Wuhrer’s case), then die (both of them). The snake looks like complete crap I want to say … 90% of the time. They kill off by far the best character (the British dandy of a host who ends up becoming a one-with-the-jungle badass). And … well, I think it is time for a rant.

Get Yo Rant On – Seriously though … what the hell are creature features supposed to be? This movie isn’t scary, so is it really a “horror” film? There isn’t really a single moment that is scary at all, and it is hard to tell whether they are even trying to make it scary. So are they thrillers? Action films? The classic creature features are things like Frankenstein. The quintessential one is Jaws. People thought Jaws was scary at the time, but it isn’t really now … so are people merely mimicking that feeling of tension? It is a confusing genre, especially with things like Godzilla and King Kong really going all out with the action version, and things like Meg which is the (new very popular) action-comedy I think. I just don’t know how to feel about it in the end. End rant.

The BMT – It certainly is a new twist on BMT. I don’t think Anaconda will go down in history, but I think this could be on the first examples of us rewatching a film. It … wasn’t wholly successful I don’t think. My previous watches definitely left me slightly less interested than I often am. But we have a few more coming up, so we’ll see how it goes. It is also just a little too good to be a classic. But I would watch it if someone offered, and we’d laugh heartily at it. So that is a win.

Welcome to Earf – Weirdly an easy one: Owen Wilson is in I Spy with Eddie Murphy, who was in Norbit with Terry Crews, who was in Blended with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earth Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – Not surprisingly it doesn’t get any play from what I can tell. But this was kind of before worst of lists became popular. Funny enough it is mentioned as one of Ebert’s worst reviews. Honestly, this is exactly the type of movie Ebert would be a huge apologist for. Goofy fun which was never really intended to be taken seriously. I disagree with the attitude in general, but I respect the consistency with which Ebert went about his argument for it.

No homework because we were ballers and watched both Anacondas. Go check out what I thought about the completely pointless (spoilees!) sequel!

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Anacondas: Hunt for the Blood Orchid Preview

NOTE: This is a BONUS film watched in conjunction with Anaconda. I’ve reprinted The Adventures of the Bad Movie Twins installment from the preview here:

Finally Patrick and I get a chance for a little R&R while travelling to Bolivia via cruise ship. We pay no mind to the man arguing over his lost bagpipes and hit the pool like a couple of relaxed dudez. That’s weird, though, that same guy seems to have no interest in the nouveau-Scottish ska band rocking out on board. How suspicious. Suddenly the cruise ship lurches and we are told to evacuate the ship. Patrick’s spidey senses are a-tingling, though. Was that Bagpipes McGee he saw running the opposite way from the designated evacuation route? We better set him straight. When we confront him he reveals that he is in fact a maniacal eco-terrorist who hid a bunch of bombs inside his bagpipes. He’s hell bent on turning the cruise liner into a pirate war ship capable to disrupting the world’s shipping lanes that are the source of so much of our world’s pollution. Also he got bit by a whale as a child and contracted a whale-specific chronic blood condition that requires the use of diamonds to clean his blood… because there are also diamonds on the cruise ship so that’s also part of the plan. We quickly tire of his exposition so we give him a patented Twin Chop to the neck and save the day (“This was supposed to be our vacation!” we say with a sly smirk). Bagpipes McGee is taken away by the Sea Police (all rights reserved) and we continue on our way to Bolivia with the sweet dulcet tones of Reggae music pleasing our ears. “This is great!” I say to Patrick. “Yeah, super relaxing!” he says, “The only thing that could ruin this trip is if we encounter one or both of my greatest fears: snakes and rare flowers.” That’s right! We’re doing a double dose this week as we knock out both theatrical releases in the Anaconda franchise. Anaconda is a classic bad film and smash hit released in 1997. Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid was released seven years later and was neither of those things. Let’s go!

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004) – BMeTric: 69.2

AnacondasTheHuntfortheBloodOrchid_BMeT

AnacondasTheHuntfortheBloodOrchid_RV

(Twenty thousand votes is absolutely astonishing. And no one hates horror films like horror fans so naturally this just does incredibly with the BMeTric.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  The original Anaconda had Jennifer Lopez tied up to Ice Cube and a snake-regurgitated Jon Voight; in this sequel, we have Chestnut getting woozy after a rare spider gives him a 151-proof bite. Still, that’s an apparent occupational hazard for anyone trekking the Borneo jungle seeking a fountain-of-youth plant right near the spot where snakes converge for mating season. There’s a jolt or two to satisfy diehards.

(Uh oh … would I be considered a die hard at this point? Maybe, I do prefer horror films with jolts rather than not, so I guess I’m a diehard. Solid semicolon work as always Leonard.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtBq5lox-1Q

(Lol this looks like complete trash. I do kind of like the Jaws theme joke. Since all creature features are inherently knock offs of Jaws in one way or another poking fun at it is kind of funny at least.)

Directors – Dwight H. Little – (Known For: Last Rampage: The Escape of Gary Tison; Future BMT: Tekken; Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home; Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers; Marked for Death; Murder at 1600; The Phantom of the Opera; Rapid Fire; BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Notes: Has been doing television almost exclusively for years including many episodes of Bones.)

Writers – Hans Bauer (1997 screenplay & story) – (Known For: Titan A.E.; Future BMT: Highwaymen; BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Anaconda; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Anaconda in 1998; Notes: He wrote the original. Additionally, he is a photographer and has has been involved in multiple group and one-man shows in LA)

Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. (1997 screenplay & story) – (Known For: Top Gun; Dick Tracy; Turner & Hooch; The Secret of My Succe$s; Legal Eagles; Future BMT: The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Anaconda; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Anaconda in 1998; Notes: See the Anaconda preview for info on these guys. They only have a credit because they wrote Anaconda)

John Claflin (screenplay) – (Future BMT: Inhale; BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Fool’s Gold; Notes: I can find nothing about him beyond that he worked with Zelman on an unproduced horror film called The Watch in 2004 and then they didn’t seem to work together since.)

Daniel Zelman (screenplay) – (BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Fool’s Gold; Notes: Worked with Claflin until it looks like this film, since Zelman has gone on to create Damages and Bloodline in the television world.)

Michael Miner (screenplay) – (Known For: RoboCop; RoboCop (2014); Future BMT: Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace; BMT: RoboCop 3; Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; RoboCop 2; Notes: Claims to be a technophobe and has a second career as a large format landscape photographer.)

Edward Neumeier (screenplay) (as Ed Neumeier) – (Known For: Starship Troopers; RoboCop; RoboCop (2014); BMT: RoboCop 3; Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; RoboCop 2; Notes: He wrote the original screenplay for Starship Troopers when it was called Bug Hunt at Outpost Nine … good title change. It was not originally attached to the Starship Troopers book at all.)

Actors – Morris Chestnut – (Known For: Girls Trip; Boyz n the Hood; G.I. Jane; The Last Boy Scout; Like Mike; The Call; Think Like a Man; Higher Learning; The Best Man Holiday; Ladder 49; Confidence: After Dark; The Best Man; The Brothers; Two Can Play That Game; Scenes of the Crime; Future BMT: Half Past Dead; The Cave; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Identity Thief; The Perfect Holiday; When the Bough Breaks; The Perfect Guy; Breakin’ All the Rules; Heist; The Game Plan; Kick-Ass 2; Not Easily Broken; BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Notes: Most famous for winning the 1998 Madden Bowl. Has recently been on television including the title role in Rosewood.)

KaDee Strickland – (Known For: The Sixth Sense; American Gangster; Girl, Interrupted; Something’s Gotta Give; The Perfect Catch; Anything Else; The Family That Preys; Diamond Men; Future BMT: The Stepford Wives; The Grudge; BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Notes: Starred in over one hundred episodes of Private Practice.)

Eugene Byrd – (Known For: Sleepers; 8 Mile; Dead Man; Julia; One Point O; Easier with Practice; Went to Coney Island on a Mission from God… Be Back by Five; Future BMT: Whiteboyz; BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Notes: Starred in Bones and was a voice in Lego Star Wars: The Freemaker Adventures as well. All three of these actors are primarily television actors.)

Budget/Gross – $20–25 million / Domestic: $32,238,923 (Worldwide: $70,992,898)

(Hmmmmm. Given the stated budget it isn’t superb, but also isn’t a complete disaster.)

#40 for the Creature Feature genre

anacondas_creaturefeature

(The Anaconda films are the eleventh and twelfth creature feature we’ve seen for BMT. I think Bats is my favorite one I’ve seen.)

#10 for the Horror – Terror in the Water genre

anacondas_terrorintehwater

(As I mentioned in the Anaconda preview this plot is just weird. I’m probably most excited to watch Deepstar Six on the list, it is an older film that is pretty notorious for being terrible.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (30/118): A cheesy monster B-movie.

(Higher than one would expect. On a side note after looking at the Rotten Tomatoes page … I have a feeling the actors above are kind of just randomly chosen. At least the main guy in all of the pictures is not one of those three people I don’t think. Reviewer Highlight: This movie looks like it was no fun to make. It certainly was no fun to watch. – Richard Roeper, Ebert & Roeper)

Poster – Sklogs Don’t Mess With No Snakes 2: The Hunt for a MacGuffin (C)

anacondas_the_hunt_for_the_blood_orchid

(Not nearly as good as the previous one, but not the worst in my opinion. Green tone with the snake skin is a good idea… it’s just the skull is nonsense and thus makes the whole poster kind of nonsense and boring.)

Tagline(s) – The hunters will become the hunted. (C)

(Not sure where this tagline came from. The poster doesn’t have one so maybe the DVD (?). Too cliched to really hit the marks. It’s short and sweet and has some rhythm, but you can’t get too many points by just spouting off a common phrase.)

Keyword(s) – blood; Top Ten by BMeTric: 95.5 Disaster Movie (2008); 93.8 Dragonball Evolution (2009); 91.0 Gigli (2003); 90.9 The Room (2003); 90.2 Alone in the Dark (2005); 89.5 The Wicker Man (2006); 88.8 Vampires Suck (2010); 88.7 House of the Dead (2003); 88.6 Street Fighter (1994); 87.5 BloodRayne (2005);

(I think any film that has people with blood in them will get this keyword I guess. What a dumb keyword. Who are these people who just added blood to every film on IMDb one day?)

Movie Stub – Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (Start class) – Shockingly detailed … and still a Start class? I’m 95% sure that wikipedia doesn’t really have a real review process. I think given that I can basically edit anything on wikipedia at will at this point that I could just declare this C-class and be done with it. So tempting.

Notes – The First Hollywood movie to have its premiere in Fiji. (fun fact)

Nerida Tyson-Chew’s score was nominated for Best Soundtrack Album at the 2005 Screen Music Awards (Australia). (WHAT)

When they captured the stone spider, the character mentions it first as “laba-laba batu”, the Indonesian for “stone spider”.

The character of Cole played by Eugene Byrd mentions a documentary crew who were also hunted by Anacondas which the other characters dismiss as a story, this is in fact a reference to the film ‘Anaconda’, the first film in the series which stars Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube. (Lame as shit)

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel (2005) (I cannot believe this was actually nominated! That is crazy!)