The Glimmer Man Preview

In between make-out sessions, Poe and Det. Halloway hash out the plot to the totally lit YA banger for the gucci crowd The Platonic Solids Series Part II: Love on the Blocks. In this entry… 

Jewel is thrown into heart wrenching despair when Kelton, her swamp monster lover, is forced by the job-deciders to play the deadly Cinder Olympics. The revolution is in tatters and realizing that little ol’ Jewel must live her unique life, Kelton convinces her that swamp monsters don’t know love and he actually wants to play. Blinded by her tragic despair she decides to conform and start working her assigned job. Later, Gregor checks in and he’s now totally ripped. Also he reveals that he’s a phantom of the opera, mortal enemy of the swamp monsters, and that Jewel is in great danger because Kelton won the Cinder Trophy. To punish him the job-deciders are going to kill her. Gregor offers to protect her with his muscles, but she knows she needs to share one final kiss with Kelton before her death. Running into the Cinder Lands she finds him and he realizes that the only way she’ll survive is to become a swamp monster. Jewel is torn because that would hurt Gregor, but also she wants some of that sweet swamp monster action. Kelton is torn because becoming a swamp monster involves him shooting a slimy spoor into her and that seems monstrous to him unless they were to get… *gasp*

Rich finds this all a little on the nose. He sadly walks down the corridors of the school. He’s despondent as it feels like he’s lost his best buddy. So different and yet so similar. As he turns a corner he sees just the faintest glimmer of someone sneaking around the next hallway… curious. That’s right! We are watching the Steven Seagal classic (masterpiece?) The Glimmer Man. May as well be called Buddy Cop: The Movie and that’s why we’re watching it. We’re also watching it as part of the chain going from Kiss the Girls through Brian Cox. We haven’t watched nearly enough Steven Seagal in BMT, so I’m excited. Let’s go!  

The Glimmer Man (1996) – BMeTric: 45.2; Notability: 41 

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(Seems about right. Too bad there isn’t just enough votes to bump it over 50 BMeTric. The notability is off the chain. I think I’m slowly learning that there are only a handful of 50+ notability films per year, and they usually are good. So even getting close to 50 for a film like this is astonishing.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Seagal and Wayans team up to track down a serial killer who is terrorizing the L.A. area. Tired buddy/cop picture, even by Seagal’s fairly low standards; he also coproduced.

(That is one svelte review. Very nice to see that basically this is Buddy Cop: The Movie. Since, you know … that’s why we are watching it.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGQ5Nq7r-Ho/

(That is some rough quality VHS rip. Jesus his beads, ponytail, and weirdo looking suits are off the chain. Looks truly awful. I’m excited.)

Directors – John Gray – (Known For: White Irish Drinkers; BMT: The Glimmer Man; Notes: Directed multiple episodes of Ghost Whisperer. Oddly, his wife wrote multiple episodes of Dog Whisperer.)

Writers – Kevin Brodbin (written by) – (Known For: Constantine; The Siege of Jadotville; Future BMT: Mindhunters; BMT: The Glimmer Man; Notes: He maybe wrote a pilot for a Mindhunters television show, but it is a bit unclear. The IMDb page lists zero episodes.)

Actors – Steven Seagal – (Known For: Under Siege; Machete; Above the Law; Executive Decision; Future BMT: The Patriot; Half Past Dead; The Foreigner; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Hard to Kill; Marked for Death; Contract to Kill; Out for Justice; China Salesman; BMT: On Deadly Ground; Fire Down Below; The Glimmer Man; Exit Wounds; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director for On Deadly Ground in 1995; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1995 for On Deadly Ground; in 1998 for Fire Down Below; and in 2003 for Half Past Dead; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Executive Decision in 1997; and Nominee for Worst Original Song, and Worst Screen Couple for Fire Down Below in 1998; Notes: A 7th-dan black belt in aikido, he is now a Russian citizen.)

Keenen Ivory Wayans – (Known For: Scary Movie; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; Star 80; Hollywood Shuffle; Future BMT: Dance Flick; Most Wanted; A Low Down Dirty Shame; Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood; BMT: The Glimmer Man; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Little Man in 2007; and Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for White Chicks in 2005; Notes: Most notable for his groundbreaking comedy series In Living Color which gave Jim Carrey his start.)

Bob Gunton – (Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; Argo; The Lincoln Lawyer; Fracture; Patriot Games; The Perfect Storm; JFK; Glory; Born on the Fourth of July; The 33; Kill the Irishman; Trouble with the Curve; Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil; I Heart Huckabees; Get the Gringo; Broken Arrow; Dolores Claiborne; Rendition; Matewan; Future BMT: Boat Trip; Father Hood; Dead Silence; Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls; Jennifer 8; Unbroken: Path to Redemption; Cookie; Patch Adams; BMT: Bats; Runner Runner; The Glimmer Man; A Thousand Acres; Demolition Man; Notes: A major player in the late seasons of 24 moving up from Chief of State to Secretary of State under multiple fake administrations.)

Budget/Gross – $45 million / Domestic: $20,351,264 (Worldwide: $20,351,264)

(That is a disaster. It makes sense. If you look at the trajectory of Seagal films this is the last film released with the intention of actually making money. He slipped pretty quickly into straight-to-video releases almost immediately afterwards.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (3/26): A grimy, humorless glimpse of Steven Seagal’s direct-to-video future, Glimmer Man fails to shine.

(Cooooooooold Blooooooooooooded. That is one grimy, humorless view of Seagal’s obviously amazing career. Reviewer Highlight: John Gray’s The Glimmer Man is strictly for Steven Seagal fans (if there is such a species). – Quentin Curtis, Daily Telegraph (UK))

Poster – The Glimmer Sklog (C+)

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(This honestly looks like we made it ourselves. Really seems like the lowest possible level of effort was used in creating this. That being said… I like the blue. Patrick’s Shallow Fake: I managed to get the shadow on my face to look … fine. It looks fine. I won’t call it good, but for a fake shadow it looks fine. Screwed up the font a bit, but couldn’t be bothered to fix it in the end, there are only so many hours in the day after all.)

Tagline(s) – Two good cops. One bad situation. (B)

(I mean, obviously this is amazing. Mostly because it fits right in with the idea that this is just Buddy Cop: The Movie. This could apply to every buddy cop movie in history and I love it. Can I ironically give it an A? Fine, it gets a B for not being original enough.)

Keyword – buddy cop

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Top 10: Bad Boys for Life (2020), Men in Black: International (2019), The Other Guys (2010), Men in Black (1997), Cop Out (2010), Bad Boys (1995), Hot Fuzz (2007), Stuber (2019), 21 Jump Street (2012), The Nice Guys (2016)

Future BMT: 63.3 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 55.1 Knock Off (1998), 49.1 Showtime (2002), 46.7 Cop Out (2010), 46.7 Men in Black: International (2019), 46.6 The Happytime Murders (2018), 44.7 National Security (2003), 44.6 Metro (1997), 41.6 Boiling Point (1993), 40.7 Brick Mansions (2014);

BMT: Judge Dredd (1995), CHIPS (2017), Wild Wild West (1999), R.I.P.D. (2013), Tango & Cash (1989), Ride Along (2014), Beverly Hills Cop III (1994), Cradle 2 the Grave (2003), Ride Along 2 (2016), Another 48 Hrs. (1990), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Show Dogs (2018), Hollywood Homicide (2003), The Glimmer Man (1996)

(Very interesting that it grew up to a point and then collapsed. Usually I would say this is due to VOD taking over these minor sub-genres. Here though I have a feeling it is just television in general that took over cop partner media. Think True Detective, Broadchurch, etc. There is a long history of this genre in television and I think it is only getting bigger on the small screen.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Steven Seagal is No. 1 billed in The Glimmer Man and No. 1 billed in Exit Wounds, which also stars Isaiah Washington (No. 3 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 5 billed), which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => 1 + 1 + 3 + 5 + 2 + 3 = 15. If we were to watch Out for Justice we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – According to Keenen Ivory Wayans, one time during production, after waiting for a long time for Steven Seagal to finally show up on the set, Seagal appeared with some script and said how it was the greatest script he ever read in his entire life. When Wayans asked him who wrote it, Seagal responded by saying; “I did.” (Sounds about right …)

Brian Cox replaced Tommy Lee Jones at very short notice.

After the film was completed, Warner Brothers conducted additional editing on the film to make it faster, and more like a regular Steven Seagal movie. Cut scenes included several comedic and dramatic exchanges between Campbell (Keenen Ivory Wayans) and Cole (Steven Seagal) and a great deal of Michelle Johnson’s scenes, as Cole’s wife, Jessica, were cut.

Originally envisioned as a much larger action picture, similar in scope to The Last Boy Scout (1991). Several action scenes were removed to cut down the budget. They included the bombing of a boat owned by Campbell (who lived on a houseboat instead of in an apartment), an encounter between Cole and a SWAT team that has raided his house and the final confrontation and gunfight at the Los Angeles museum. (The Last Boy Scout is great, watch that instead)

Steven Seagal championed Trevor Rabin as the composer of the film. Years earlier Rabin, an avid guitar enthusiast like Seagal, had coached and trained Seagal with his guitars.

In the original screenplay (114 pages), Cole was called Calhoun, Campbell was named Leary,and Donald Cunningham was called Abraham.

Easter egg: on the wall of the police station, there is a “wanted” poster for Erik Gauss, the character of Matthias Hues from Bounty Tracker (1993). (Someone is watching Boutry Tracker for You Just Got Schooled this week!)

According to Stephen Tobolowsky, Steven Seagal wanted to change the scene in which Cole (Seagal) kills Maynard (Tobolowsky). Due to his spiritual beliefs, Seagal did not want to kill villains in his movies anymore. Tobolowsky convinced him that Maynard would be able to be reincarnated and redeemed by being killed. Seagal agreed, and the scene was filmed as written. However, a few months later, Seagal wanted to change the scene, to show that Maynard survived the shooting. Tobolowsky was brought in to overdub lines to indicate that Maynard was still alive, but this was not used in the final cut.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon Preview

As Rich and Poe walk down the hallway with the teacher, Ms. Halloway, they wonder what they’ve gotten themselves into. If this was a The Substitute scenario they should be bashing skulls and taking names by now. “Maybe we’re missing a crime… a murder to solve?” Poe ponders. Ah, a The Substitute 2: School’s Out scenario… definitely possible, Rich agrees. “You know we can stop this ruse, right?” Ms. Halloway says behind them. They slowly turn and attempt to sputter out an excuse, but Ms. Halloway just smirks and flips open a badge. “Det. Halloway, BMTPD. You boys are a little late to the party.” What a twist! But how could she have seen through their bulletproof nerd alert disguises. “Well, you are both forty years old,” she explains, “and as a cop it was easy to connect the dots from there.” Clever girl. “I’ve been working undercover on the case for two years and you two stroll in and nearly blow the whole thing on day one. Lucky for you I know these kids and I know what they want.” Rich and Poe’s hearts leap, perhaps this is the break they need. “Love.” Rich is deflated. Love is lame. What about bashing skulls? What about patented Twin Chops, backflips, and abs. Pffff. Love. But Poe’s eyes are shining and he steps closer to Ms. Halloway. “What if I told you I know a little something about that.” He steps even closer. “You ever heard of a book called The Platonic Solids Series Part I: Outside the Box?” he asks breathily, inches from Ms. Halloways quivering lips. “It’s… it’s my favorite book,” she replies in a whisper, her bosom heaving and breath bated in anticipation. And with that they begin to make out… hard. That’s right! We are finally dipping our toes in the mother of all teen love triangle romances with the second Twilight film The Twilight Saga: New Moon. This is also one of only two qualifying films. So we are leaving the series hanging, but hopefully not for long. I’m ready for the steamy vampire-werewolf romance extravaganza. Let’s go!

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009) – BMeTric: 78.1; Notability: 63 

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(Quite intriguing how low that is. I assume that is mostly because of the demographics of the people who vote on IMDb. I remember this movie mostly just being boring. That doesn’t feel sub-5.0 to be, but we’ll see.)

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start. Granted some of them are more than 100 years old, but still: their charisma is by Madame Tussaud.

(Ooooooo, so maybe it is just so boring that it ends up being really really terrible! Because one star is really really low as well. This is precisely how I remember this.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNi-ebCWXos/

(Oh, I love you so much Bella. Oh, I love you so much Edward. Let’s die together, that would be super romantical wouldn’t it? Oh … that’s my impression of Twilight. Nailed it.)

Directors – Chris Weitz – (Known For: American Pie; The Golden Compass; Operation Finale; About a Boy; A Better Life; Future BMT: Down to Earth; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for About a Boy. Apparently he was uncredited on American Pie, presumably because he was just helping his older brother to direct it.)

Writers – Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay) – (Known For: Twilight; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Future BMT: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Step Up; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2010 for The Twilight Saga: New Moon; in 2011 for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; in 2012 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; and in 2013 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Notes: Wrote the entire series. A legend of television, she produced and wrote on Melrose Place, The O.C., and Dexter among many many others.)

Stephenie Meyer (novel) – (Known For: Twilight; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Future BMT: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; The Host; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 in 2013; Notes: Wrote the novels. Apparently the idea for the storyline came to her in a dream, the idea of a vampire being in love with a human woman while thirsting for her blood.)

Actors – Kristen Stewart – (Known For: Charlie’s Angels; Underwater; Twilight; Into the Wild; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Snow White and the Huntsman; Zathura: A Space Adventure; American Ultra; Panic Room; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Adventureland; Still Alice; Cafe Society; The Runaways; On the Road; Personal Shopper; Certain Women; Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk; J.T. LeRoy; Clouds of Sils Maria; Future BMT: The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Cold Creek Manor; The Messengers; Catch That Kid; Equals; Seberg; Cell K-11; Anesthesia; Fierce People; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; Jumper; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress in 2013 for Snow White and the Huntsman, and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Nominee for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 in 2012; Nominee for Worst Actress for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse in 2011; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2010 for The Twilight Saga: New Moon; and in 2013 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Notes: Notably had an affair with the director Rupert Sanders, which caused her initial breakup with Robert Pattinson. She is bisexual and has mostly been in relationships with women recently.)

Robert Pattinson – (Known For: The Lighthouse; The King; Good Time; Twilight; Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; The Lost City of Z; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; High Life; Waiting for the Barbarians; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Vanity Fair; Water for Elephants; The Rover; Maps to the Stars; Cosmopolis; Damsel; Life; The Childhood of a Leader; Future BMT: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Bel Ami; Queen of the Desert; Little Ashes; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor in 2011 for Remember Me, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; and in 2013 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for The Twilight Saga: New Moon in 2010; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2012 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; and in 2013 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Notes: He is going to be The Batman. During his entire Twilight period he would have amusing interviews where he would appear bemused about the various odd storylines from the film, look them up.)

Taylor Lautner – (Known For: Twilight; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; The Twilight Saga: Eclipse; Future BMT: The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Tracers; Run the Tide; BMT: The Twilight Saga: New Moon; The Ridiculous 6; Abduction; Grown Ups 2; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Valentine’s Day; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 in 2013; Nominee for Worst Actor in 2011 for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, and Valentine’s Day; and in 2012 for Abduction, and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Grown Ups 2 in 2014; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 2010 for The Twilight Saga: New Moon; and in 2012 for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1; Notes: Been moving more into prestige television recently, specifically was in Cuckoo for the past several years.)

Budget/Gross – $50,000,000 / Domestic: $297,816,253 (Worldwide: $711,020,081)

(Obviously, a huge success. One of the most successful series in cinema history. Single-handedly made vampires a huge thing again.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 28% (64/227): The Twilight Saga’s second installment may satisfy hardcore fans of the series, but outsiders are likely to be turned off by its slow pace, relentlessly downcast tone, and excessive length.

(This is what I remember. Just Bella moping about depressed for an hour and a half. Reviewer Highlight: The boys preen while the girl sulks. And pouts. And sulks. And pouts. – Richard Roeper, RichardRoeper.com)

Poster – The Platonic Solids Series Part 2: Love on the Blocks (C)

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(Gonna be honest. I don’t really like that. The colors are drab and otherwise just the usually human mess. Some OK font, but even the spacing seems off. Like there is too much space around them.)

Tagline(s) – The Next Chapter Begins (F)

(Blah, boo. Give me something more than that. I spent more time thinking up the “Love on the Blocks” subtitle for the fake second book of our fake teen romance series.)

Keyword – vampire

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Top 10: Doctor Sleep (2019), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), Twilight (2008), The Lost Boys (1987), I Am Legend (2007), Hellboy (2019), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992), Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012)

Future BMT: 89.4 Vampires Suck (2010), 87.9 BloodRayne (2005), 72.2 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), 51.1 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 48.6 Sleepwalkers (1992), 43.9 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 43.8 Priest (2011), 42.2 Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), 41.8 Bordello of Blood (1996), 40.8 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003);

BMT: Hellboy (2019), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Vampire Academy (2014), Queen of the Damned (2002), Dracula 2001 (2000), Ultraviolet (2006), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999)

(The crescendo is right after the Twilight books hit it big, they were trying to capture that fanaticism. It has, naturally, kind of slip away recently as one would expect. I’m excited for … Priest. That has been on the docket for years.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Taylor Lautner is No. 3 billed in The Twilight Saga: New Moon and No. 2 billed in Ridiculous Six, which also stars Adam Sandler (No. 1 billed) who is in Jack and Jill (No. 1 billed), which also stars Al Pacino (No. 3 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 3 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 3 + 1 + 3 + 1 = 15. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – Just before Jacob almost kisses Bella, he says “Kwop kilawtley”, which means “stay with me forever” in Quileute.

Each member of the wolf pack had to have papers proving their Native descent. Chaske Spencer is Lakota (Sioux), Bronson Pelletier is Cree-Metis, Alex Meraz is Purepecha (Tarasco), Kiowa Gordon is Hualapai, and Tyson Houseman, who was discovered at an open casting call, is Cree.

After months of speculation and rumors, director Chris Weitz and the novel’s author, Stephenie Meyer, confirmed on her official website that Taylor Lautner would be reprising his role as Jacob Black. It was doubted as the filmmakers feared he would not be able to become fit enough in time. However, he was given the go-ahead after gaining 26 pounds of muscle.

Summit Entertainment greenlit this sequel one day after Twilight (2008) had opened in theaters.

The Italian sequences were shot over a period of 4 days. Red was deliberately kept out of the color palette until the Italian sequences.

While Carlisle is cleaning Bella’s wounds after the party, when he burns the blood-soaked gauze, the gauze forms the flower that is present on the New Moon book cover.

When Michael Sheen was cast as Aro, he had no clue of who the character is nor what are his characteristics. He learned as much as he could including the character’s back story from his daughter Lily Mo Sheen who is a fan of the series.

Contrary to scheduling conflict claims, Catherine Hardwicke turned down directing this film because the release date set by Summit (exactly one year after the first film’s release) would not allow her to have enough time to work on the script. With Hardwicke out, the studio scrambled in looking for a replacement director until producer Wyck Godfrey had to turn to his friend Chris Weitz who eventually agreed to do the film.

“New Moon” is Robert Pattinson’s favorite book in the Twilight series.

Ashley Greene wore a different wig than the one she wore in Twilight (2008), to portray Alice Cullen. She also cut her hair quite short so that it could fit under the wig.

A vampire’s diet is revealed by the color of the eyes – the Cullens feast only on animal blood and therefore have topaz eyes, whereas the Nomads and the Volturi have red eyes indicating they feast upon human blood.

The town of Voltera was chosen because of its uncanny resemblance to the Italian town described in Stephenie Meyer’s novel. The only difference was that its main square lacked a fountain which production designer David Brisbin duly had built from wood.

Every song that appears in the film and on the soundtrack is original and written specifically for the film.

The film is included on Roger Ebert’s “Most Hated” list.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, 2010)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Robert Pattinson, 2010)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel (2010)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Melissa Rosenberg, 2010)

Perfect Stranger Preview

The Cool Girls stroll on up to the table and look disdainfully at Rich and Poe, “Who are these total nerd babies, Steve?” the leader asks before snidely remarking to Rich and Poe, “Where are your nerd diapers and baby glasses, nerd babies?” But Steve steps in and reminds her that for their scheme to work they needed a couple more bodies, “Besides, Adestria, these nerds are cool. Right, nerd baby mates?” he says winking at them. Rich and Poe are starting to get a bad feeling about this. What scheme is he talking about? Just then, Steve steps up on a table and calls for quiet. The cafeteria hushes. “Attention,” he announces, “We already run this school and now it’s time to take it over for real,” and with that he snaps his fingers and all the kids rise up as one. My god, Rich and Poe think, it’s like Turbulence (the 1997 smash hit) up in here and they best make sure this plane don’t crash. Not to mention that things will go from bad to worse if their cover is blown. Suddenly a group of kids bring a teacher to the cool girls and push her to the ground, “We caught one, Adestria. What should we do with her?” But Adestria waves them away, “just get rid of her. I don’t care.” Panicked at the implication, Rich and Poe step in, “Uh, we’ll do it,” Poe says quickly. “Yeah, you can trust us to take care of it,” Rich adds. Adestria looks suspiciously at them but Steve reassures her once again, “They’re cool… They’re just a couple of nerds,” he insists. “But how can you trust these perfect strangers,” she whispers. Steve looks at them and nods, “Because they are my perfect nerd baby strangers.” That’s right! I’m ready to replace my couch cushions because those edges are about to be worn out. We are (finally, IMO) watching the star-studded, thrill-a-minute Perfect Stranger starring Halle Berry and Bruce Willis. It’s probably best known in the bad movie world for having a terrible twist ending. Which can only mean that the hero is in fact the villain. The second worst twist of all time (just after the entire film being a dream). This is my guess before watching the film, but it’s almost certainly correct. It never fails to infuriate. Let’s go!

Perfect Stranger (2007) – BMeTric: 41.2; Notability: 33 

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(The BMeTric is a lot higher than I would have thought, mainly because the number of votes is way higher than you would thought. The more I add these notabilities in here the more I realize having a score above 50 is really a truly rare thing. We should savor those more than we have previously I think.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Muckraking undercover reporter Berry, frustrated by a setback on a major story, takes on a more personal investigation after a girlhood friend a hers is murdered. Her high-tech pal Ribisi helps trace emails that point to high-profile ad exec Willis as a likely suspect, so Berry gets a job working for him, hoping to get close. She does. Slick thriller gets sicker as it goes along, leading up to a revelation you can’t see coming – because it doesn’t make much sense.

(Literally everything about this film is about how bad the last twist is lol. Which is why we chose it in the end. Kind of perfect … stranger.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGH5w7cXGl8/

(It looks very techno-erotic-thriller-y. It is going to be interesting to watch another erotic thriller starring Bruce Willis that was made what? 15 years after The Color of Night? That’s pretty funny.)

Directors – James Foley – (Known For: Fear; Glengarry Glen Ross; At Close Range; Confidence: After Dark; The Corruptor; After Dark, My Sweet; Two Bits; Future BMT: Who’s That Girl; BMT: Fifty Shades Darker; Fifty Shades Freed; Perfect Stranger; The Chamber; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1988 for Who’s That Girl; in 2018 for Fifty Shades Darker; and in 2019 for Fifty Shades Freed; Notes: Originally a music video director, he was tapped for the second and third Fifty Shades films after E. L. James negotiated closer control over the writing and production of the series.)

Writers – Todd Komarnicki (screenplay) – (Known For: The Professor and the Madman; Sully: Miracle on the Hudson; BMT: Perfect Stranger; Notes: Was the voice of the Wheaton athletics during his time there.)

Jon Bokenkamp (story) – (Known For: The Call; Future BMT: Taking Lives; BMT: Perfect Stranger; Notes: Creator of the television series The Blacklist which he’s been executive producer for over 100 episodes.)

Actors – Halle Berry – (Known For: John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum; Kingsman: The Golden Circle; X-Men; Cloud Atlas; Die Another Day; X-Men: Days of Future Past; X-Men: The Last Stand; X-Men 2; Robots; Monster’s Ball; Jungle Fever; The Call; The Last Boy Scout; Executive Decision; Boomerang; Losing Isaiah; Bulworth; Why Do Fools Fall in Love; Things We Lost in the Fire; Future BMT: The Flintstones; Dark Tide; B*A*P*S; Gothika; Kidnap; Father Hood; Kings; The Rich Man’s Wife; Race the Sun; Strictly Business; Frankie & Alice; BMT: Catwoman; Movie 43; New Year’s Eve; Perfect Stranger; Swordfish; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actress for Catwoman in 2005; Nominee for Worst Actress in 2014 for Movie 43, and The Call; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Catwoman in 2005; Notes: She was the first African-American to win Best Actress for her work in Monster’s Ball. She was first runner up in Miss USA as well.)

Bruce Willis – (Known For: Pulp Fiction; Motherless Brooklyn; Sin City; Split; Looper; Die Hard; Twelve Monkeys; The Fifth Element; Moonrise Kingdom; The Sixth Sense; The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part; RED; Die Hard 4.0; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Unbreakable; Ocean’s Twelve; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; The Expendables; Grindhouse; Planet Terror; Future BMT: Look Who’s Talking Too; Vice; The Cold Light of Day; The Prince; Extraction; Lay the Favorite; Precious Cargo; Breakfast of Champions; Reprisal; First Kill; Once Upon a Time in Venice; Cop Out; The Bombing; Acts of Violence; Marauders; Fire with Fire; Striking Distance; Rock the Kasbah; Rugrats Go Wild; The Story of Us; 10 Minutes Gone; Blind Date; Billy Bathgate; Loaded Weapon 1; Surrogates; Sunset; The Jackal; Last Man Standing; Tears of the Sun; Hostage; Glass; Grand Champion; Four Rooms; BMT: North; A Good Day to Die Hard; Color of Night; The Whole Ten Yards; Perfect Stranger; G.I. Joe: Retaliation; The Bonfire of the Vanities; Hudson Hawk; Mercury Rising; Death Wish; Armageddon; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for Hudson Hawk in 1992; Winner for Worst Actor in 1999 for Armageddon, Mercury Rising, and The Siege; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1992 for Hudson Hawk; in 1995 for Color of Night, and North; and in 2019 for Death Wish; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Glass in 2020; Notes: Seemed like he was going to maybe have a little comeback with Glass, but that didn’t do too well. Does a ton of straight-to-VOD stuff, like Nic Cage, and is notoriously difficult to work with it is said.)

Giovanni Ribisi – (Known For: Avatar; Saving Private Ryan; Lost in Translation; Ted; The Bad Batch; The Virgin Suicides; That Thing You Do!; Cold Mountain; Public Enemies; Lost Highway; Ted 2; Selma; The Gift; Boiler Room; Contraband; Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow; Results; SubUrbia; Heaven; The Dead Girl; Future BMT: The Mod Squad; A Million Ways to Die in the West; Masked and Anonymous; Flight of the Phoenix; I Love Your Work; Basic; The Big White; All the Rage; 10th & Wolf; The Other Sister; Middle Men; BMT: Perfect Stranger; The Postman; Gone in Sixty Seconds; Gangster Squad; Notes: His entire family, including his twin sister, is involved in show business. He became famous as Phoebe’s half-brother on Friends.)

Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $23,984,949 (Worldwide: $73,534,117)

(That isn’t so great. I wonder how much of that is just Willis’ paycheck. The domestic take is awful, but it is merely a $20 million or so hit once you add in worldwide.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 10% (14/142): Despite the presence of Halle Berry and Bruce Willis, Perfect Stranger is too convoluted to work, and features a twist ending that’s irritating and superfluous. It’s a techno-thriller without thrills.

(Again, most of the time all of the reviews are just hung up on the ending. This ending better be just the worst thing you’ve ever seen. Reviewer Highlight: That’s right, it’s a techno thriller that treats the already clichéd topic of Web abuse with an idiotic sense of discovery. – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone.)

Poster – Perfect Stranger 2: Even More Perfect (A-)

perfect_stranger

(I have a sneaking suspicion this poster has little to do with the actual plot of the film, but I’ll let this slide because I think it’s actually kind of cool and interesting. Better font and I’d be raving about it.)

Tagline(s) – How Far Would You Go To Keep A Secret? (D)

(Wait a sec… is this a second rhetorical question tagline in a row? Turbulence had one and then this one too. We really have stumbled onto something potentially interesting to look into. They went a little long and cliche for this, though. Like this could be a tagline for like twenty different terrible films. Thus it is terrible.)

Keyword – erotic thriller

PerfectStranger_erotic thriller

Top 10: Eyes Wide Shut (1999), Basic Instinct (1992), Original Sin (2001), Fatal Attraction (1987), Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Wild Things (1998), Unfaithful (2002), Indecent Proposal (1993), Body Double (1984), Sliver (1993)

Future BMT: 60.3 Sliver (1993), 49.4 In the Cut (2003), 39.2 Diabolique (1996), 37.8 Never Talk to Strangers (1995), 35.6 Indecent Proposal (1993), 32.4 The Crush (1993), 28.9 Original Sin (2001), 28.0 Deception (2008), 23.2 Goodbye Lover (1998), 18.1 Whispers in the Dark (1992);

BMT: Basic Instinct 2 (2006), Color of Night (1994), Body of Evidence (1992), Perfect Stranger (2007), Jade (1995), Twisted (2004)

(You can see the early 90s boom, and for real the genre fell off a cliff. I don’t think it’ll ever recover. It is a genre of a time when the US became somewhat accepting of sex in film, but didn’t respect itself enough to care about the kind of sex it was showing in film. I think that makes sense.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Giovanni Ribisi is No. 3 billed in Perfect Stranger and No. 2 billed in Gone in 60 Seconds, which also stars Nicolas Cage (No. 1 billed) who is in The Wicker Man (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 3 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 5 + 1 = 13. If we were to watch Last Man Standing, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 11.

Notes – The filmmakers filmed three different endings to the film, each with a different character as the killer. (ha!)

The film’s original setting was New Orleans. During pre-production, Hurricane Katrina struck; the script was quickly rewritten to take place in New York City.

Miles’ phone number (seen when Hill reads the text message on Ro’s mobile phone in the restaurant) is shown as 917-867-5309–a nod to Tommy Heath’s classic rock hit “867-5309/Jenny”, which repeats the phone number (sans area code) in the refrain.

As Rowena enters World Trade Center building Seven (26:15), where Hill’s agency is located, Larry Silverstein the actual owner of the entire WTC complex make a cameo appearance at the security desk.

Miles says that it will take Ro three minutes and fourteen seconds to download the spyware, “but that’s an approximation.” 3.14 is an approximation of pi. (That’s dumb)

The film includes extensive product placement for Sony Vaio, Reebok, Heineken, and Victoria’s Secret. (Sweet, the Victoria’s Secret one is off the chain).

Heidi Klum: The Victoria’s Secret Angel that introduces Harrison Hill (Bruce Willis) at the Victoria’s Secret party.

Turbulence Preview

“Look around, mates, this here is a jungle. The wild west. The outback. And I’m the king. So stick with me and you’ll be fine,” Alligator Steve says, pointing out all the different cliques on display in the middle school’s cafeteria. There are nerds, jocks, artistes, clowns, unicyclers, bare-knuckle boxers, demolition experts, animal wranglers, etc. Just the classics. But Steve is the coolest tween around and he’s somehow taken Rich and Poe under his wing. Thank god, because they were about to get pounded for being such uggo nerds (for real). As they sit down for lunch, Rich and Poe ponder the purpose of this quest. Are they just supposed to spend the rest of their lives in this nerd purgatory? Fat chance, thinks Rich, secretly flexing his muscles, there must be something more to all this. Returning to the conversation, Rich listens closely as Steve details exactly why this is the raddest and baddest middle school around. “The kids run the school, plain and simple. The teachers try to rein us in, but we just give em the ‘tude and it’s all icy, diglet my zoom?” Rich and Poe smile and nod, for they understand the latest lingo all the kids are using. So are they meant to bring order to the chaos, The Substitute style? That sure would be a test, considering this school doesn’t play by the rules that they’ve come to know and hate. Suddenly Alligator nudges them. “And here’s your next lesson, mates.” At that the cafeteria doors bust open and a clique of “cool girls” stroll in. It’s clear they don’t have time for nobody, let alone Rich and Poe: nerd alert central. But they are heading straight for their table and Steve whispers, “Get ready, this is gonna be a bumpy ride.” That’s right! We’re watching Turbulence. Like a lot of Action films, this followed the age old formula of Die Hard: trap a bunch of people somewhere with a terrorist/criminal and let them battle without the help of the authorities. This also has the added benefit of starring Ray Liotta before he became the Actor Who Looks Like He’s Wearing a Ray Liotta Mask (AWLLHWRLM, rolls off the tongue) and is a film that no one remembers exists. Killing three birds with one airplane. Let’s go!

Turbulence (1997) – BMeTric: 51.6; Notability: 46 

TurbulenceIMDb_BMeT

TurbulenceIMDb_RV

(If this reached 5.0 that is absurd. This film is so obviously a terrible version of Con Air so like … how does anyone watch this and think “that was okay.” It is obviously not okay. If Nic Cage isn’t in the film then that is not okay!)

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – There are more questions. Like, if a 747 sheers off the roof of a high-rise restaurant, wouldn’t that cause it to crash? Like, if a 747 plows through an outdoor billboard, wouldn’t that cause it to crash? Like, if it sweeps all the cars off the roof of a parking garage, wouldn’t that cause it to crash? Like, if it gets a truck caught in its landing gear, what would happen then? (“It’s a Ford!” a sharp-eyed observer says, in a line that–for once–I don’t think represents product placement.) Oh, yes, there are many moments I will long remember from “Turbulence.” But one stands out. After Lauren Holly outsmarts and outfights the berserk killer and pilots the plane through a Level 6 storm, the FBI guy still doubts she can land it. “She’s only a stewardess,” he says. To which the female air traffic controller standing next to him snaps, “She’s a . . . flight attendant!”

(This review is amazing. I love you Ebert. All great questions. And the answer for the most part is: yes, it would crash. About fifteen times the plane would have crashed. One hundred percent.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arr-4RGgJvU/

(I actually like the really unique start to the trailer. BTW, the reveal that Liotta is actually a bad guy is kind of a mini-twist in the beginning which they don’t even bother with (for good reason, it would be impossible to cut a trailer for the film which doesn’t feature Liotta maniacally chewing the scenery). Finally, the heavy metal soundtrack kind of previews the eventual third entry to the series which I will semi-review in my recap, so stay tuned.)

Directors – Robert Butler – (Known For: The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes; Now You See Him, Now You Don’t; The Barefoot Executive; BMT: Turbulence; Notes: Hugely involved in a few television series like Remington Steele which he directed and consulted for. He also directed the pilot for the original Star Trek. This was his last feature film.)

Writers – Jonathan Brett (written by) – (Known For: The Boynton Beach Bereavement Club; BMT: Turbulence; Notes: Produced She-Devil somewhat randomly. Also nominated for an Oscar for a short film, The Dutch Master.)

Actors – Ray Liotta – (Known For: Marriage Story; Goodfellas; Identity; The Place Beyond the Pines; Blow; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Cop Land; The Iceman; Field of Dreams; Killing Them Softly; Heartbreakers; Bee Movie; Something Wild; Date Night; Kill the Messenger; Muppets Most Wanted; Youth in Revolt; Observe and Report; Narc; No Escape; Future BMT: The Son of No One; Operation Dumbo Drop; Go with Me; Crazy on the Outside; Revenge of the Green Dragons; The Identical; Forever Mine; Revolver; The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud; The Lonely Lady; Slow Burn; Even Money; Powder Blue; Better Living Through Chemistry; Unforgettable; Smokin’ Aces; Hannibal; Corrina, Corrina; Crossing Over; Flock of Dudes; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Turbulence; Wild Hogs; Notes: BMT Legend, his face looks like he is wearing a mask of his own face. He has a very crazy ad campaign for Chantix happening at the moment, which The Onion riffed on here.)

Lauren Holly – (Known For: Spirited Away; Dumb and Dumber; What Women Want; February; Sabrina; Any Given Sunday; Beautiful Girls; Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story; Tammy’s Always Dying; Field of Lost Shoes; Entropy; Future BMT: Down Periscope; How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town; Live Wire; A Smile Like Yours; After the Ball; The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; No Looking Back; Band of the Hand; BMT: Turbulence; Crank 2: High Voltage; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress in 1998 for A Smile Like Yours, and Turbulence; Notes: Married to Jim Carey for a year. Co-starred opposite of Mark Harmon in the early seasons of NCIS.)

Brendan Gleeson – (Known For: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire; 28 Days Later…; Troy; Edge of Tomorrow; Braveheart; The Ballad of Buster Scruggs; Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1; Gangs of New York; In Bruges; In the Heart of the Sea; Cold Mountain; A.I. Artificial Intelligence; The Village; Mission: Impossible II; Beowulf; Paddington 2; Frankie; Safe House; Green Zone; Future BMT: The Smurfs 2; The Raven; Live by Night; Country of My Skull; The Tiger’s Tail; BMT: Turbulence; Assassin’s Creed; Notes: Irish. An accomplished fiddle player, he played in Michael Collins and Cold Mountain.)

Budget/Gross – $55,000,000 / Domestic: $11,538,235 (Worldwide: $11,538,235)

(That is catastrophic. For reference Con Air has a budget of around $75 million and made over $200 million. So this had roughly the same budget and made … 20x as much money. It is rough.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (3/18)

(Oooo I get to make one. Expensive but not expensive looking. Little more than a series of cliches strung together. Reviewer Highlight: Fasten your seat belts, folks. It’s going to be a cliche-cluttered ride. – Susan Wloszczyna, USA Today)

Poster – Ray Liotta’s Magical Plane Ride (B-)

turbulence

(That is terrible, but also kind of great. It’s creative in how it’s framed and with some sweet font. The big letters at the top are a terrible idea, but so bold you have to give it to them. This poster is like two decades late… feels like it’s for Avalanche or something.)

Tagline(s) – Can You Survive The Ride? (C)

(The ride… the ride… hmmmm. That doesn’t sound right. But fine, it does its job and kinda makes me think that there is a whole other category of tagline. The rhetorical question. A little generic though. Fits the theme of an old school disaster film, but it’s just not giving me much.)

Keyword – die hard scenario

Turbulence_die hard scenario

Top 10: The Dark Knight (2008), The Magnificent Seven (2016), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Mad Max: Fury Road (2015), Leon (1994), Angel Has Fallen (2019), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015), Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014), 13 Hours (2016), World War Z (2013)

Future BMT: 88.2 Street Fighter (1994), 62.1 Half Past Dead (2002), 55.1 Knock Off (1998), 54.8 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 49.7 Collateral Damage (2002), 47.7 Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995), 46.7 Cop Out (2010), 46.6 Solo (1996), 44.6 Metro (1997), 44.5 The Purge (2013);

BMT: Angel Has Fallen (2019), The Expendables 3 (2014), Along Came a Spider (2001), London Has Fallen (2016), Doom (2005), Need for Speed (2014), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997), Red Dawn (2012), Swordfish (2001), Tango & Cash (1989), Soldier (1998), Max Payne (2008), Behind Enemy Lines (2001), Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009), Skyline (2010), Punisher: War Zone (2008), Daylight (1996), Mercury Rising (1998), Firewall (2006), Getaway (2013), xXx²: The Next Level (2005), Alex Cross (2012), 88 Minutes (2007), On Deadly Ground (1994), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999), Fire Down Below (1997), Black Dog (1998), Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002), Turbulence (1997), Firestorm (1998), Extreme Ops (2002)

(The graph looks like what you would expect. This is a second-banana die hard scenario. And the genre came to a crescendo around 2000, and then briefly died. Interesting that people don’t seem to running it these days, but maybe it is just overplayed. Under Siege 2 is def the best one that we haven’t seen. And my god, we’ve seen so many of them!)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 9) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ray Liotta is No. 1 billed in Turbulence and No. 3 billed in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 1 + 3 + 4 + 1 = 9. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Despite its box-office failure when of its release, the movie managed to get two direct-to-video sequels due to the film’s good performance as being one of the most rented films of that year. (Ohhhhhh yeah, Red Letter Media reviewed the third one which straight up looks like an abomination)

MGM pulled trailers from theaters and temporarily suspended its marketing campaign after the crash of TWA Flight 800 on July 17, 1996.

The airliner used in the movie (N614FF) was a Tower Air Boeing 747-246B. The fictional TCA livery seen is very similar to Japan Air Lines’ livery but minus the Tsurumaru Crane Bird on the tail.

Was scheduled to be released in theaters for the 1996 holiday season, in tandem with the film’s Christmas setting, but was delayed to January 1997.

Catherine Hicks and Lauren Holly are talking about serial killers as the plane is loading. Hicks says “did you ever see Bundy, he was a charmer, Mark Harmon played him”. Holly later went on to star opposite Mark Harmon in NCIS. (Damn, I was going to add this trivia to IMDb! I got that one organically while watching the film. And in no way is that depressing)

The toy store in the movie in reality is a bookstore on the Main Street in Clinton, New Jersey, USA. There is a toy store on Main Street but it is in an alley and director Robert Butler didn’t like the exterior of the building. The bookstore’s front window was decorated with toys for the week of filming.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Lauren Holly, 1998)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Reckless Disregard for Human Life and Public Property (1998)

Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles Preview

As Rich and Poe wingsuit their way to the school they look themselves over and realize just what an odd pair they make. Rich, a brash bro with baditude. Poe, a stock broker type with glasses for days. One the number cruncher, the other using instinct to get out of jams. Both warriors of justice and yet so different. They sure do hate rulez, but in different and equally cool ways. Boy howdy are they an odd couple. When they land, Nic Cage and the eeevil Gamemaster are waiting. “Most curious,” says the evil Gamemaster, suspicious at the totally bodacious way in which they completed the task. But they shrug, no biggie. “Unfortunately your test has just begun,” says Nic Cage. The new task is about the dangers of complex thought. “Clear your minds. For often the simplest idea is the most profound.” The evil Gamemaster nods, “And remember, you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.” With that they are gone and Rich and Poe look at their clothing. My god, they’re hideous. “We can’t go to school like this,” wails Rich, “We are total nerd alerts. Look at my glasses! Look at these ink stains!” He is despondent, but Poe knows they have to go forward. They should be poppin’ b-gum and baggin’ some cargo shorts as they skateboard their way to tween culture dominance, but there must be a reason for all this. As they nervously walk in, all the dope tweens are staring at the new dweebs in town. “Yo, fresh fish,” says one and Rich and Poe flinch as a hand grasps their shoulders, “Hey mates, you fellas look like a coupla fish outta water, oi? Come on, I’ll show you around and maybe we can toss a few shrimp on the barbie at lunch.” That’s right! We’re finally taking the dive and watching the sequels to a true fish-out-of-water classic, Crocodile Dundee II and Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Both were reviled by critics and it’s an apt time to watch them because there may or may not be another one on the BMT horizon. Let’s go!

Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001) – BMeTric: 63.7; Notability: 39 

CrocodileDundeeinLosAngelesIMDb_BMeT

CrocodileDundeeinLosAngelesIMDb_RV

(I think this one is going to be legendary. That is really holding firm significantly below 5.0, which is a very very low score. Should be an abomination. I can’t wait. Notability is actually higher that I would expect, although the early 2000s is right when they were throwing a ton of cash at comedies to hit that $100 million mark.)

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – The movie is pokey and the jokes amble onscreen, squat down on their haunches and draw diagrams of themselves in the dust. But enough Croc-bashing. Truth in journalism compels me to report that “Crocodile Dundee” is at least genial family entertainment, quite possibly of interest to younger audiences and entirely lacking in the vomitous content of such other current films as “See Spot Run,” “Joe Dirt” and “Freddy Got Fingered.” Since the studios are advertising those excremental exercises in places where kids develop a desire to see them, it is good, after they see “Spy Kids,” to have an innocent and harmless entertainment like “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles” as another choice. It may not be brilliant, but who would you rather your kids took as a role model: Crocodile Dundee, David Spade or Tom Green? It is a melancholy milestone in our society when parents pray, “Please, God, let my child grow up to admire a crocodile rassler,” but there you have it.

(An interesting take to be honest. His Rotten Tomatoes blurb is mostly that it is just dull. But I can see that argument, that it is mostly just fine, two stars. That sounds right to be honest.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpJ0y6qIsps/

(Classic, The Clapper jokes. That trailer is insane. A much more like … kids comedy it seems like? He’s just cruising around with a kid solving crime or something? Who is the dude he’s with as well, that character isn’t really in the early films. Truly bizarre stuff.)

Directors – Simon Wincer – (Known For: Free Willy; Quigley Down Under; The Phantom; D.A.R.Y.L.; The Lighthorsemen; Harlequin; Phar Lap; The Young Black Stallion; Future BMT: Operation Dumbo Drop; Lightning Jack; Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Notes: A television director since the early 70s, he only broke into movies in the 80s and 90s. He directed the Lonesome Dove mini-series.)

Writers – Paul Hogan (characters) – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Future BMT: Lightning Jack; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Was named Australian of the Year in 1985.)

Matt Berry (written by) (as Matthew Berry) – (BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Notes: A prolific television producer and writer including writing for Roseanne, Married … with Children, and Desperate Housewives. Now obviously best known for fantasy sports.)

Eric Abrams (written by) – (BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Notes: Similarly wrote on Married … with Children. Berry and him were writing partners and have told some interesting stories about how they ended up involved with the film and the unpleasant experiences they had.)

Actors – Paul Hogan – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Charlie & Boots; I Now Pronounce You Vince and Ralph; Future BMT: Flipper; Lightning Jack; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: He had a comedy show called the Paul Hogan Show which … looks like it ran for like a decade, but it is hard to tell because there are only five episodes listed on IMDb. I feels like something akin to the Ernest P. Worrell shows, very public-access-y)

Linda Kozlowski – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Future BMT: Village of the Damned; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Was nominated for a Golden Globe for her work in Crocodile Dundee.)

Jere Burns – (Known For: The Incredibles 2; Funhouse Massacre; Future BMT: Game Over, Man!; Prom; My Giant; Greedy; Wired; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Notes: Seems to be an fitness fanatic competing in marathons, triathlons, and a multitude of extreme sports to some degree.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $25,635,682 (Worldwide: $39,438,674)

(That seems unlikely to be a good take. It just seems like Hogan himself would have cost a bit to lure into reprising the role. But who knows with the budget information missing.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (9/80): A sequel as unnecessary as it is belated, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles lacks virtually all of the easygoing humor and charm that delighted fans of the original.

(The review seems like it can be boiled down to: This is exactly what you would expect and that is too bad. Reviewer Highlight: The punchlines are as tired as Hogan looks braying ‘g’day’ between scenes of stunt doubles getting some exercise. – Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly)

Poster – Sklogodile Dundee in Los Angeles (F)

crocodile_dundee_in_los_angeles

(Heeeelllllll nooooooo. Nope. No. No. Nope. I don’t give a shit about that font. The poster is shockingly bad. In the competition with The Avengers (1998) for worst all-time maybe.)

Tagline(s) – He heard there was wildlife in L.A. He didn’t know how wild. (F)

(What?! This is the craziest poster/tagline combination in a while. This is amazing nonsense.)

Keyword – fish out of water

CrocodileDundeeinLosAngeles_fish out of water

Top 10: Terminator: Dark Fate (2019), Alita: Battle Angel (2019), Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Aquaman (2018), Captain Marvel (2019), Wonder Woman (2017), True Romance (1993), Back to the Future (1985), Beauty and the Beast (2017), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Future BMT: 73.1 Bio-Dome (1996), 69.8 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.7 Supergirl (1984), 68.7 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 66.2 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 65.4 Black Knight (2001), 62.9 Fat Albert (2004), 58.1 Corky Romano (2001), 57.5 Little Nicky (2000), 56.9 Suburban Commando (1991);

BMT: Road House (1989), Sweet Home Alabama (2002), Timeline (2003), Rambo III (1988), Safe Haven (2013), The Pacifier (2005), The 13th Warrior (1999), Made of Honour (2008), Howard the Duck (1986), Universal Soldier (1992), Mortdecai (2015), Jungle 2 Jungle (1997), Queen of the Damned (2002), Jason X (2001), The Beverly Hillbillies (1993), New in Town (2009), The Golden Child (1986), Old Dogs (2009), Did You Hear About the Morgans? (2009), Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Are We There Yet? (2005), Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Rhinestone (1984), Ishtar (1987)

(He is such a goddamned fish out of water! Man we’ve watched a lot of these. I think the one I am most looking forward to is Suburban Commando (in whatever capacity that qualified). It is somewhat notable that this is, indeed, a rather non-notable film in general.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 44) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Rodríguez is No. 10 billed in Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles and No. 14 billed in The Curse of La Llorona, which also stars Linda Cardellini (No. 1 billed) who is in Hunter Killer (No. 6 billed), which also stars Gary Oldman (No. 2 billed) who is in Lost in Space (No. 1 billed), which also stars Heather Graham (No. 5 billed) who is in Say It Isn’t So (No. 2 billed), which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => 10 + 14 + 1 + 6 + 2 + 1 + 5 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 44. If we were to watch Lightning Jack, and Pearl Harbor we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – One early idea for a third Crocodile Dundee film was to have Mick Dundee team up with Eddie Murphy’s character Axel Foley from the Beverly Hills Cop (1984) films in a crossover film. (Sounds like something thought up between doing two lines of coke)

Paul Hogan had requested sole writing credit on the film for his rewrite but the Writers Guild of America awarded the credit solely to Matthew Berry and Eric Abrams, the writers of the initial script.

Paul Hogan had stated in an interview that there wasn’t going to be a 3rd “Crocodile Dundee” film and had felt that the story of Mick Dundee had been finished and that he isn’t James Bond and he doesn’t go all over the world solving crimes. (That is exactly what the second film was! But wait … like it didn’t need to be. You wrote the movies man)

Mick Dundee drives a Subaru Outback, the same car that actor Paul Hogan had been the spokesman for. (Of course he does)

A spin-off that centered around Mikey Dundee, Mick and Sues’s son was not considered due to the film bombing at the Box Office. (I knew it! It did bomb)

Alec Wilson appears in this film as an apparent, long time friend of Mick’s from Australia. He also appeared in Crocodile Dundee II (1988) as the local hired goon named ‘Denning’, who worked alongside the drug lords helping them to track down Mick and Sue in the Australian outback.

Producer/performer Anthony Begonia is in the Venice beach scene as an angry volleyball player in the background.

Features the final musical score composed by Basil Poledouris for a theatrical film.

An early draft of the script contained a cameo role for Hugh Hefner as himself.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Sequel (2002)

Crocodile Dundee II Preview

As Rich and Poe wingsuit their way to the school they look themselves over and realize just what an odd pair they make. Rich, a brash bro with baditude. Poe, a stock broker type with glasses for days. One the number cruncher, the other using instinct to get out of jams. Both warriors of justice and yet so different. They sure do hate rulez, but in different and equally cool ways. Boy howdy are they an odd couple. When they land, Nic Cage and the eeevil Gamemaster are waiting. “Most curious,” says the evil Gamemaster, suspicious at the totally bodacious way in which they completed the task. But they shrug, no biggie. “Unfortunately your test has just begun,” says Nic Cage. The new task is about the dangers of complex thought. “Clear your minds. For often the simplest idea is the most profound.” The evil Gamemaster nods, “And remember, you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.” With that they are gone and Rich and Poe look at their clothing. My god, they’re hideous. “We can’t go to school like this,” wails Rich, “We are total nerd alerts. Look at my glasses! Look at these ink stains!” He is despondent, but Poe knows they have to go forward. They should be poppin’ b-gum and baggin’ some cargo shorts as they skateboard their way to tween culture dominance, but there must be a reason for all this. As they nervously walk in, all the dope tweens are staring at the new dweebs in town. “Yo, fresh fish,” says one and Rich and Poe flinch as a hand grasps their shoulders, “Hey mates, you fellas look like a coupla fish outta water, oi? Come on, I’ll show you around and maybe we can toss a few shrimp on the barbie at lunch.” That’s right! We’re finally taking the dive and watching the sequels to a true fish-out-of-water classic, Crocodile Dundee II and Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Both were reviled by critics and it’s an apt time to watch them because there may or may not be another one on the BMT horizon. Let’s go!

Crocodile Dundee II (1988) – BMeTric: 45.2; Notability: 41 

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(That is roughly what I would have expected. The Notability is a lot higher than I would have expected. For a comedy in 1988? I feel like that is very much above average which is pretty nuts.)

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  Pleasant followup to the runaway hit reverses the original by opening in N.Y.C. and winding up in the bush country of Australia. This time the unflappable tracker runs afoul of an international drug kingpin. So leisurely that after a while you wish they’d get on with it – especially when all suspense about the outcome is eliminated. Hogan’s charisma carries this almost singlehandedly. Written by Hogan and his son Brett.

(This sounds about right to me. It doesn’t feel like the film is necessarily much worse than the original, it is just that without the originality the film falls a bit flat.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYaOhlHnuZw/

(More action! Great. Not exactly what I want from Crocodile Dundee, but then again, I guess they can’t really do the romance angle again. So time for some action adventure, woo!)

Directors – John Cornell – (Future BMT: Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Was Paul Hogan’s manager, which is why he directed most of Hogan’s early stuff, like small television movies.)

Writers – Paul Hogan (characters & written by) – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Future BMT: Lightning Jack; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Worked as a rigger on the Sydney Harbour Bridge at a young age.)

Brett Hogan (written by) – (BMT: Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Hogan’s son. Interesting that this is his only writing role. A bit part in the original film is his only acting role as well.)

Actors – Paul Hogan – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Charlie & Boots; I Now Pronounce You Vince and Ralph; Future BMT: Flipper; Lightning Jack; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Was accused of tax fraud in the 2000s, but ultimately wasn’t charged with the Australian government having to foot the legal fees.)

Linda Kozlowski – (Known For: Crocodile Dundee; Future BMT: Village of the Damned; Almost an Angel; BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles; Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: Married Hogan in 1990 soon after he filed for divorce from his first wife (twice over) to whom he’s been married about 32 years.)

John Meillon – (Known For: The Longest Day; Crocodile Dundee; Walkabout; On the Beach; Wake in Fright; Billy Budd; The Cars That Ate Paris; The Sundowners; BMT: Crocodile Dundee II; Notes: His brother is a director of, I think, Australian soap operas. Specifically he directed nearly 150 episodes of Neighbours.)

Budget/Gross – $14 million / Domestic: $109,306,210 (Worldwide: $239,606,210)

(That is an absolutely huge hit! It is pretty crazy how much less the third one made once you look at it in comparison to this. This came out over a decade earlier as well. Looking back at 1988 it was the 5th highest grossing film for the year!! Basically comedies were just killing it around that time, what a time to be alive.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (3/28): Retelling its predecessor’s same joke with diminishing returns, Crocodile Dundee II sees the franchise’s enjoyability go down under.

(Holy shit, I was right! That is exactly what the Leonard Maltin review suggested to me, that it was just like the original without the originality and thus critics would hate it. Funny. Reviewer Highlight: Too slow to constitute an adventure and has too few laughs to be a comedy. – Variety)

Poster – Sklogodile Dundee II (B+)

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(I kinda like it. Gives the sense that he’s larger than life. Perhaps even larger than the city in which he was so lost in the first movie. Am I reading too much into this? Probably. But I don’t care. Love love love the font too. Needs a better color scheme though.)

Tagline(s) – The world’s favorite adventurer is back for more! much more! (C-)

(Is the “much more” a joke… I don’t get it. Pretty banal other than that little bit at the end that is burrowing into my brain.)

Keyword – crocodile

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Top 10: Suicide Squad (2016), Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017), Annihilation (2018), Jumanji (1995), The Legend of Tarzan (2016), Peter Pan (2003), Pan (2015), Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984), The Thin Red Line (1998), Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014)

Future BMT: 56.5 Primeval (2007), 43.8 King Solomon’s Mines (1985), 42.2 Pan (2015), 38.6 Firewalker (1986), 34.5 Suicide Squad (2016), 33.9 Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014), 31.0 Rugrats Go Wild (2003), 30.2 Eraser (1996), 29.6 Inkheart (2008);

BMT: Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001), Crocodile Dundee II (1988), Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004), Runner Runner (2013)

(Those two peaks are definitely creature feature booms. We have so many crocodile films to go! I think I’m most looking forward to Firewalker. Kind of amazing that one qualifies.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Charles S. Dutton is No. 5 billed in Crocodile Dundee II and No. 3 billed in Random Hearts, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed), which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => 5 + 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 3 = 15. If we were to watch Lightning Jack, and Pearl Harbor we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – There was controversy about whether Mick Dundee should be considered a crocodile poacher; his use of a rifle to “catch fish” was never fully confirmed in the first movie, Crocodile Dundee (1986). The writers decided to start this film showcasing Mick’s extreme measure of fishing, by showing him use dynamite to catch fish in New York harbor. In this way, the writers can safely assert that he was actually fishing, and not a criminal poacher – as he claimed, when he was attacked by a crocodile in the first movie. (I don’t understand the difference. Fishing with dynamite is illegal and considered unsporting I imagine regardless)

Alec Wilson appears in this film as ‘Denning’, a local Australian hired goon for the drug lords. 13 years later he appeared in the sequel Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001) as ‘Jacko’, a long time Australian friend of Mick. (Twin brother confirmed?!)

Takes place 6 months after the original film and 13 years before the following film “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles”.

John Meillon’s 2nd and final appearance as Walter Reilly. Meillon passed away a year after the film’s release and his character has retired sometime before the 2nd sequel Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles (2001).

Comedian and Saturday Night Live alum, Colin Quinn appears in minor role early in his career. He later recounted through his comedy, that while working on the movie he took it upon himself to rewrite the script to give himself a larger role in the film as Dundee’s sidekick and presented it unsolicited to the film’s director and producers. With very little experience in the entertainment and film industry he had no concept at the time why this would be seen as inappropriate.

The subway train operated on one of the unused outer tracks at the Hoyt-Schermerhorn station. (Fun)

Stephen Root’s movie debut. (It seemed like it. He was quite good in it actually, bit part and all)

Actress and singer Tatyana Ali’s acting debut. Tatyana Ali plays one of the kids in the park whom is seen talking to Mick earlier in the film. (Whaaaaa)

The film is heavily influenced by the “Rambo” films. Dundee uses his hunting skills in the Australian outback on the drug cartel that kidnapped Sue Charlton. (Yeah seems about right. Dundee is almost a Rambo and James Bond crossover in a weird way.)

Charles S. Dutton’s Leroy Brown character was influenced by the 1973 song “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” by American folk rock singer Jim Croce.

Paul Hogan had stated the people of USA saw Mick Dundee as a cross between Chuck Norris and Rambo. Like John Rambo in the “Rambo” movies, in this film Dundee uses his hunting skills and uses the Outback territory to his advantage as he sets traps on Rico and his men whom are in pursuit of him and Sue. Unlike Rambo however, Dundee does not kill Rico and his men.

Tango & Cash Preview

Brief note before we start: last July we got together yet again and worked out a fourth class to be inducted into the Smaddies Baddies BMT Hall of Fame. It has been nearly a decade since we started BMT and as usual the films from more than five years ago might just deserve a rewatch, a reassessment, and a recap. The previews and speeches will be released leading up to the seventh (ninth?) Smaddies Baddies for the five films chosen. Tango & Cash (or is it Rich & Poe?) check off all the boxes: Sly Stallone, Sly Stallone, and Sly Stallone. This is the preview for the film, a Hall of Fame induction speech will follow immediately afterwards. Enjoy!

Generated on: 2020-01-13

Tango & Cash (1989) – BMeTric: 21.3; Notability: 68 

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(The rating is actually a bit lower than I would have expected. This is a really really fun film, and a film I’ve seen mentioned online as being underrated. So I would have kind of expected it to me close to 7.0 to be honest. I guess it helps that the movie is just a bit too strange (especially near the end) for people to get entirely on board? Love the notability though. This was probably just after Stallone’s Imperial Phase (to borrow a term from music) which is maybe 1983 to 1988, but it is close.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Rumored $55 million budget must have gone for male hairstyling in congenitally derivative narc caper about two competitive cops who take on M.r Big. Surprisingly tolerable, though, with a nifty prison break sequence and a pleasingly relaxed Stallone.

(A pleasingly relaxed review by Leonard. Odd use of the word congenitally to be honest, but genuinely an interesting take on the movie as it was probably written at the time of release. I’m sure that is part of the reason the movie is merely borderline BMT, critics probably like “meh, fun”.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwzkxI6b9Go/

(This is an incredibly bad trailer for conveying what the movie is about. It’s an incredibly good trailer in that it condenses all the truly insane shit from the film into a short clip that genuinely makes me excited to watch it.)

Directors – Andrey Konchalovskiy – (Known For: Runaway Train; Shy People; Chacun son cinéma ou Ce petit coup au coeur quand la lumière s’éteint et que le film commence; Ray; The Inner Circle; Belye nochi pochtalyona Alekseya Tryapitsyna; Dom durakov; Future BMT: The Nutcracker in 3D; Homer and Eddie; BMT: Tango & Cash; Notes: Fired from the film by the ever erratic producer Jon Peters who was famous for the Superman/Wild Wild West giant mechanical spider story. He won an Emmy for the miniseries The Odyssey.)

Albert Magnoli – (Known For: Purple Rain; BMT: American Anthem; Tango & Cash; Notes: Brought in to finish the film. For a time he was Prince’s manager.)

Writers – Randy Feldman (written by) – (Known For: Hell Night; Future BMT: Metro; Nowhere to Run; La chispa de la vida; BMT: Tango & Cash; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Tango & Cash in 1990; Notes: Brother of Dennis Feldman, who wrote BMT films Species II and The Golden Child, along with a number of future BMT films.)

Actors – Sylvester Stallone – (Known For: Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2; Creed II; Rocky; First Blood; The Expendables; Creed; Escape Plan; Rocky Balboa; Cliffhanger; The Expendables 2; Rocky III; Spy Kids 3: Game Over; Rocky II; Cop Land; Bullet to the Head; Antz; Death Race 2000; Nighthawks; Escape to Victory; Future BMT: Escape Plan II; Staying Alive; Rocky V; Escape Plan 3; D-Tox; The Specialist; An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn; Avenging Angelo; Backtrace; Ratchet & Clank; Collection; Assassins; Oscar; Rocky IV; BMT: Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Driven; Zookeeper; Rhinestone; Get Carter; Judge Dredd; Rambo III; Cobra; Over the Top; Daylight; The Expendables 3; Rambo: Last Blood; Tango & Cash; Grudge Match; Lock Up; Rambo: First Blood Part II; Demolition Man; Rambo; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director, and Worst Actor for Rocky IV in 1986; Winner for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Actor for Rambo: First Blood Part II in 1986; Winner for Worst Actor in 1985 for Rhinestone; in 1989 for Rambo III; and in 1993 for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot; Winner for Worst Supporting Actor for Spy Kids 3: Game Over in 2004; Winner for Worst Screen Couple in 1995 for Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles, and The Specialist; Winner for Worst Actor of the Decade in 1990 for Cobra, Cobra, Lock Up, Lock Up, Over the Top, Over the Top, Rambo III, Rambo III, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rhinestone, Rocky IV, and Tango & Cash; Nominee for Worst Director for The Expendables in 2011; Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 1985 for Rhinestone; in 1986 for Rocky IV; in 1987 for Cobra; in 1989 for Rambo III; in 1991 for Rocky V; in 1994 for Cliffhanger; and in 2002 for Driven; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1987 for Cobra; in 1988 for Over the Top; in 1990 for Lock Up, and Tango & Cash; in 1991 for Rocky V; in 1992 for Oscar; in 1995 for The Specialist; in 1996 for Assassins, and Judge Dredd; in 1997 for Daylight; in 2001 for Get Carter; and in 2014 for Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Couple for Driven in 2002; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn in 1999; Notes: I mean, come on.)

Kurt Russell – (Known For: Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood; Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2; Forrest Gump; The Hateful Eight; The Christmas Chronicles; Fast & Furious 8; The Thing; Fast & Furious 7; Tombstone; Deepwater Horizon; Death Proof; Bone Tomahawk; Sky High; Stargate; Big Trouble in Little China; Executive Decision; Escape from New York; Grindhouse; Overboard; Future BMT: Captain Ron; The Best of Times; Crypto; Jiminy Glick in Lalawood; It Happened at the World’s Fair; BMT: Poseidon; Soldier; 3000 Miles to Graceland; Tango & Cash; Vanilla Sky; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Tango & Cash in 1990; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for 3000 Miles to Graceland in 2002; Notes: Double come on. It’s Kurt!)

Teri Hatcher – (Known For: Tomorrow Never Dies; Spy Kids; Coraline; 2 Days in the Valley; Planes: Fire & Rescue; Soapdish; The Big Picture; Resurrecting the Champ; Future BMT: Planes; Heaven’s Prisoners; Straight Talk; Madness in the Method; BMT: Tango & Cash; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress in 1997 for 2 Days in the Valley, and Heaven’s Prisoners; Notes: Probably best known for TV work, winning a Golden Globe for Desperate Housewives. Also was a 49ers cheerleader.)

Budget/Gross – $55 million / Domestic: $63,408,614 (Worldwide: $63,408,614)

(Modest hit. A little strange in that you have a film with two megastars, that was modestly popular at the time of its release, and yet usually when I mention this film to people my age they’ve never heard of it.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 31% (14/45): Brutally violent and punishingly dull, this cookie-cutter buddy cop thriller isn’t even fun enough to reach “so bad it’s good” status.

(Punishingly dull! Punishingly dull?! That’s just flat wrong. Not, cookie-cutter buddy cop thriller… that… that’s true. I will contend it’s clearly so bad that it’s good and Rottentomatoes should amend that consensus. Reviewer Highlight: The jokes seem lame and the rivalry fraudulent, as the two boys play with their big guns. – Gene Siskel, Chicago Tribune)

Poster – Rich & Poe (D)

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(The literal Rich & Poe poster. I even have a coffee cup with that image on it. Ironically it’s a really bad poster. Kinda violates all my rules. Patrick’s Shallow Fake: Probably my best fake movie poster ever. I got the graininess just right, and started to actually manipulate things in the image (like the glasses, which are just modified directly off of the picture of Stallone). Could have done better with the font I suppose.)

Tagline(s) – Two of L.A.’s top rival cops are going to have to work together… Even if it kills them. (C-)

(Egad, that’s long. It’s not even that clever when you think about it. They went for a double entendre, but it only really makes sense in one meaning. Also bad.)

Keyword – buddy movie

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Top 10: Green Book (2018), The Peanut Butter Falcon (2019), Hall Pass (2011), The Other Guys (2010), Bad Boys (1995), Central Intelligence (2016), Men in Black (1997), Ice Age (2002), Hot Fuzz (2007), 21 Jump Street (2012)

Future BMT: 49.8 Gone Fishin’ (1997), 44.7 National Security (2003), 42.2 Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), 40.4 Hall Pass (2011), 39.7 Pink Cadillac (1989), 33.2 Sahara (2005), 31.9 Armed and Dangerous (1986), 27.9 Men in Black II (2002), 27.5 Rush Hour 3 (2007), 16.9 Bad Boys II (2003);

BMT: Wild Wild West (1999), Tango & Cash (1989), Double Team (1997), Another 48 Hrs. (1990), Hot to Trot (1988)

(This genre is really dying. It is kind of amazing. I’m very excited for all of the films that are coming up. They are almost universally great bad movies.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 10) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Sylvester Stallone is No. 1 billed in Tango & Cash and No. 1 billed in Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 4 + 1 = 10. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 8.

Notes – When Tango and Cash escape from the prison, Cash turns to Tango and asks if he stopped “for coffee and a Danish.” Tango says, “I hate Danish,” an in-joke referring to Sylvester Stallone’s recent divorce from Danish actress Brigitte Nielsen. (oof)

The glasses Sylvester Stallone wears early in the film are his own, not props. He usually wears contact lenses in his films. The lenses show that he is very near-sighted in one eye, less so in the other. Plus, he has astigmatism.

Director Andrey Konchalovskiy was replaced toward the end of principal photography by Albert Magnoli. In his book of memoirs, Konchalovsky says that the reason he was fired was because he wanted to give the film a more serious tone than the producers wanted, and as such, his relationship with Producer Jon Peters became untenable. Konchalovsky, however, has nothing but praise for Sylvester Stallone, who he states was a constant voice of reason on the set.

When Brion James was originally hired to play Requin, it was a very small role with only two lines. In an effort to give the character something that would make him stand out, James decided to speak in a horrible “cockney” accent. Sylvester Stallone loved it, and re-wrote the script to give Requin a much bigger role. (Jesus, Imperial Phase for real)

The scene where Tango faces an oncoming truck with nothing but a gun was borrowed from Ging chaat goo si (1985), where Jackie Chan performed the stunt. As a “response”, Chan would later reference the make shift zip-line prison escape moment in this film in a scene early in the third installment of the Police Story series, Ging chaat goo si III: Chiu kup ging chaat (1992) (Oh, fun)

Patrick Swayze was originally cast as Cash, but he dropped out to star in Road House (1989). (Good choice, although I feel like Tango & Cash would have benefited from his more serious attitude)

Kurt Russell was originally considered and offered the role of Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon (1987), but he turned it down, and it went to Mel Gibson, with whom he worked on Tequila Sunrise (1988). His character in this film is loosely based on Riggs.

While filming the scene in which the back of the SUV catches fire, the flames would not go out when filming was over. Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone were caught in a cross draft. Stallone was so close to the fire that his hair was singed in places.

Years later, Sylvester Stallone offered the role of “Mr. Church” to Kurt Russell in The Expendables (2010). Russell declined the role, which was then accepted by Bruce Willis.

A total of four different people directed the film. Andrey Konchalovskiy, who was fired after about three months of filming by Jon Peters, Sylvester Stallone, after the movie went over-budget and schedule (but not by his fault), Executive Producer Peter MacDonald, who was also the Second Unit Director, then took over directing on the movie for some time (a year earlier MacDonald had to step in as a director for Stallone’s previous movie Rambo III (1988) after the original director was fired by Stallone), then Albert Magnoli was hired as the new director to finish the movie (but even after principal photography was finished, he caused two more weeks of further delays after he decided to re-shoot some parts of the movie), and Stallone was also directing the movie behind the scenes (something he was known for, especially during the 80s). None of them however had any control over the editing of the movie. Instead, Warner Bros. hired expert editor Stuart Baird to re-edit the movie after they expressed strong dislike for the initial rough cut. Baird hired another editor Hubert de La Bouillerie to help out when Warner Bros. kept complaining on every different cut of the movie that was edited, which almost caused for release date to be pushed way further than planned.In the end, the movie was finally approved for theatrical release by Warner Bros., and it ended up being shipped to theaters only a week after its original release date, as “wet prints” – an industry term meaning that the movie was just barely completed before its release date.

One of the monster trucks at the quarry scene towards the end is the famous Bigfoot truck. Although it’s painted different colors than its trademark blue color, and does not feature any Bigfoot decals, it was confirmed that it is in fact Bigfoot by owner of the original monster truck Bob Chandler.

Originally, the part of Katherine, Tango’s sister was to be played by Daphne Ashbrook. She was not supposed to be Tango’s biological sister; possibly an adopted sister, or a foster child his parents took in. But, when they decided to make her his actual sister, they re-cast the role with Teri Hatcher, who slightly resembles Stallone. (I love that they give a shit about the actors looking the same, who cares?)

The tank-like SUV seen in the film (with a windshield shape resembling a 1990s-era Chevrolet Lumina APV minivan) was built from a 1988 Chevrolet K2500 truck. At the time of the film’s release, the vehicle resembled a GM concept (a 1987 Chevrolet Blazer XT-1) which was planned as a crossover-like SUV which was powered with a Chevrolet 4.3L V6 – the engine block and cylinder heads were cast in aluminum alloy. GM did not proceed with the Blazer XT-1 but its styling cues were used with the W-body “Dustbuster” minivans (Lumina, Oldsmobile Silhouette, and Pontiac Trans Sport).

Jack Palance jokingly showed his displeasure about filming this movie while on the tonight show with Jay Leno. He said that when he first got the script he was really excited about doing the movie since he had three nice scenes with Sylvester Stallone, but as soon as filming started all his scenes with Stallone were cut, and he didn’t even see Stallone throughout the entire movie. (That’s kind of sad)

Shortly after this film was released, there was a very lethal “brand” of heroin being sold in The Bronx, New York, NY. It was named “Tango & Cash”. This was stamped on the bags the drugs were contained in. So many addicts overdosed (and died), the NYPD was driving around neighborhoods using loudspeakers to tell people not to use this particular “brand” of heroin. This was reported on all the flagship network TV stations there as well.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Sylvester Stallone, 1990)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Kurt Russell, 1990)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Randy Feldman, 1990)