Reindeer Games Recap

Jamie

You know you’ve struck gold when at the very end of the film the twist is revealed and the main character doesn’t crumble in disbelief at how he was had by such an intricate and beautiful plot. Instead he stares blankly at the other characters and mentions off-hand at how ludicrous and unlikely it all was. To which the antagonists go, “Well, you ever heard of a longshot?” You could feel the screenwriter patting you on the head and going, “shhh, shhhh, don’t you worry your little head about this. Everything is going to be OK. Just understand… all these characters are real big dumbos. Like the biggest idiots. None of this made any sense because they are stupid and set up a plot that shouldn’t have worked… but somehow it almost did (which is why I wrote a movie about it). Merry Christmas.”

Just to briefly recap the plot, Rudy is in prison where mere days before he and his cellmate Nick are set to be released he is attacked and Nick is killed. When he leaves prison he sees Ashley, the woman Nick has been communicating with, and impulsively lets her believe he’s actually Nick. They begin a torrid love affair, only for Ashely’s brother, Gabriel, and his trucker gang to show up and demand he help them with a heist of a casino that Nick used to work at. Facing death, Rudy agrees. During the heist everything goes sideways and only Ashley, Gabriel, and Rudy survive. But uh oh! Turns out Nick is alive and it was all a long con (WHAT A DOUBLE TWIST!!!). Too bad for Ashley and Nick, though, because Rudy is able to kill them both and gives away all the money. Merry Christmas. It’s actually kind of a fun 90’s heist film other than the fact that the twist-em-ups are so dumbo supreme that you could never actually claim it was a good film with a straight face. But that gets me to my Hot Take Clam Bake: the plan should have worked!

Hear me out. So the set up is that Nick and Ashley are long time lovers who concoct an intricate plan after Nick lands himself in jail. He’s gonna tell his cellmate everything about a casino that’s easy to rob. Meanwhile Ashley will fall in with a trucker gang where she plants the seed of an idea whereby she would write to an inmate to find a target for a heist. From there Nick will fake his death, paying off numerous prison employees, and let the cellmate fall into the hands of the truckers who will demand the heist go forward. From there they are in the clear until the heist is finished. That is as long as the cellmate does in fact impersonate Nick… and the truckers don’t figure out that he’s not Nick and just kill him. Sure it’s a longshot, but fortunately everyone is super dumb. So it all should have worked. The fatal flaw? Hubris, my friends. Classic hubris. Nick can’t help but reveal himself to Rudy. It’s actually really bad considering the whole plan is to protect Nick and Ashley as much as possible from being involved in the plot. So why not let Gabriel, a more adept murderer, actually murder Rudy and then quickly murder Gabriel. It doesn’t make sense and is the only reason it wasn’t actually a perfect twist… other than the twist being totally insane.

That hot take is scored as a Chilled Eggnog. Patrick? 

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Reindeer Games? More like Drains my Brains! Amirite? Are you ready for a real twist-’em’up? Will you better be, because there ain’t no way there aren’t like seventeen twists in this thing. Let’s go!

  • Oooooooo doggy, that twist! I mean like … the second twist. Or maybe the third. Well whatever, the last twist is the craziest. Like “oh man it turns out Theron set Affleck up … wait, she’s dating Sinese? Oh, I see it is like a real set up … oh wait, Nick is still alive! That plan seems … unlikely to work.” That is my train of thought throughout the film.
  • Don’t worry they lampshade the whole plan thing saying they just kind of hoped it would work or something, it’s dumb.
  • Sinese and Theron are both good, but Affleck feels a bit out of his element. It was early in his career, and he’s very charming, but he comes across as a bad actor.
  • As far as a heist film is concerned this is pretty fun even if it is a bit frustrating trying to figure out what Affleck knows, when he knows it, and what his motivations might be in pretending he doesn’t know it, you know? I’m pretty sure he knew everything they were asking of him, but he was always withholding as much as possible as a ploy to get away at various times, but it was confusing. But he knew about the Powwow Safe (and you can see so did Theron who tries to dissuade her co-conspirators from going after it when it is opened), so he must have known about everything in a way.
  • A great great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Northern Michigan where, oh boy, is it a-snowing. Great Holiday Film (When?) for it being set at Christmas specifically and dressing up everyone as Santa Claus. I’m going to give it a MacGuffin (Why?) for the casino, kind of, but mostly for the Powwow Safe which is a big thing that constantly gets mentioned and ultimately has a huge payoff for what is in it. And finally this might be the stone cold winner of Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate twist that Nick was alive all along and manipulating Rudy to get him to rob the casino for him. I think this is very much closest to Good, it is kind of a good movie if you ignore all the twist-em-ups.
  • Oh man, Live Free or Die Hardcopy is back jack! So in this one we really only have two special features and in reality it is just one special feature. There is a Set Visit, which is mostly people explaining how they wanted to work with Frankenheimer and then Frankenheimer saying a bunch of stuff that is also in the commentary (C+, fun to see how a movie is made at least). And then a commentary … which is just Frankenheimer explaining stuff (D, interesting if you care about direction, but this is absolutely the epitome of “one person is not enough for a commentary.” The whole thing just draaaaaaaaaaags). I might stop listening to commentaries with just the director, they are almost always terrible.

And of course I outlined my sequel to Reindeer Games called Reindeer Games: Independence Day in the Quiz. Cheerios, and back to you Jamie!

Reindeer Games Quiz

Oh wow, so get this. After getting out of prison I was tricked into helping a gang commit a robbery! Well, obviously the “trick” was “hitting me in the head a whole bunch” which, indeed, convinced me to help. Bad news though, I got a massive concussion and now don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Reindeer Games?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) We meet our hero Rudy and his best friend Nick the day before they’re to get out of prison (and mere days before Christmas too!). What are they both in jail for?

2) Whoops, well Nick died. But you know that his prison correspondence girlfriend will be heartbroken about that. Why does she claim that she was corresponding with Nick when she’s … you know, Charlize Theron?

3) Double whoops, turns out it was all maybe a trick to get Rudy … er, I mean Nick, to help out the sadistic trucker Sinese with a job. What is the job and why do they need Rudy … er, I mean Nick, to help them out?

4) In the end Rudy … er, I mean Nick, helps them out. Throughout this series of twists (including the “reveal” that Theron is actually Sinese’s girlfriend, not his sister) Rudy … er, I mean Nick insists that there is something called the Powwow Safe that the gang just need to get their hands on. What does he claim is in it? What is actually in it?

5) Triple Whoops everyone is dead. So … what was the final twist’em’up? Who was the mastermind of the whole affair?

Bonus Question: Well looks like Rudy makes it home in time for Christmas. But uh-oh a blast from the past visits him in the mid-credits scene. Who and why?

Answers

Reindeer Games Preview

“This is why we’re here?” Jamie asks incredulously. “No, we’re here because dumb bum Ty over there jumped in the time machine and overloaded the time imputation processor (not to get too technical about it). We need to fix the machine and get home because we don’t know what freak dimension this is.” LePumice nods vigorously in agreement. Even a trained time cop never considered the possibility of an interdimensional time jump and he can barely hide the terror in his eyes. But Patrick has a little smirk on his face as he listens to them fret. “Oh really,” he says, “well how ‘bout you check this out.” With that he turns to face Bongo and Mash. “Officers, I think you’ll find we present to you a tidy solution. Our teeny-bopper friend Ty here will accompany your daughters to the Fourth of July bash. No need to be jealous, friendos.” With that he winks at Jasper and Kelley. But Bongo and Mash only stare blankly at him. “Fourth of July?” Mash says confused. “Are you OK, son? Our daughters aren’t going to the Fourth of July bash with anyone. Certainly not a couple of bozos who arrived a second ago in our town, breaking our rules, and looking like you done come from some dumb terminator future. Now beat it before we arrest you for disorderly conduct.” Bongo and Mash turn back to Jasper and Kelley, who are now looking at Jamie and Patrick suspiciously. Patrick is at a loss. “I… uh… wait, are you sure?” Bongo and Mash sigh and quickly whip around to slap cuffs on Jamie and Patrick. “Alright, I didn’t want to have to do this fellas,” Mash says sternly, “but you forced my hand. Have fun spending Christmas Eve sobering up in jail.” Christmas Eve?! That’s right! It’s time for some fun and games… some reindeer fun and games. Because we’re watching Reindeer Games if you didn’t get that. Feels like this Affleck vehicle has been on the table forever and a bit of a shocker we never watched it. Let’s go!  

Reindeer Games (2000) – BMeTric: 37.6; Notability: 60

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 16.8%; Notability: top 3.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 25.2%; Higher BMeT: Battlefield Earth, Dungeons & Dragons, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, Urban Legends: Final Cut, 102 Dalmatians, Highlander: Endgame, Dracula 2000, Supernova, Big Momma’s House, Get Carter, The Next Best Thing, Little Nicky, Down to You, Hanging Up, Lost Souls, Bless the Child, The Crow: Salvation, Fortress 2: Re-Entry, and 22 more; Higher Notability: Little Nicky, Gone in 60 Seconds, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Coyote Ugly, Mission to Mars, Ready to Rumble, Lost Souls, Proof of Life, Rules of Engagement; Lower RT: 3 Strikes, Fortress 2: Re-Entry, My 5 Wives, The in Crowd, Battlefield Earth, Bless the Child, Down to You, Lost Souls, Turn It Up, Circus, The Skulls, Urban Legends: Final Cut, Dungeons & Dragons, Supernova, I Dreamed of Africa, Ed Gein, Screwed, The Watcher, Boys and Girls, The Ladies Man, and 39 more; Notes: Notability is the name of the game here I suppose. I think one of the surprises there is Coyote Ugly having a 60+ notability. That’s a lot of notable people in that film I think a lot of people would have forgotten about.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – “Reindeer Games” is the first All Talking Killer picture. After the setup, it consists mostly of characters explaining their actions to one another. I wish I’d had a stopwatch, to clock how many minutes are spent while one character holds a gun to another character’s head and gabs. Charlize Theron and Gary Sinise between them explain so much they reminded me of Gertrude Stein’s line about Ezra Pound: “He was a village explainer, excellent if you were a village, but if you were not, not.” Just a nudge, and the movie would fall over into self-parody, and maybe work better. But I fear it is essentially serious, or as serious as such goofiness can be.

(I wonder if this is the only reference to Ezra Pound related to Reindeer Games. What a ref. Legendary. I do know what I like most in my action films is talking.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0856Uv4QmtI/

(Incredible. The entire trailer kind of covers up the main conceit of the film. Because you see … Ben Affleck isn’t “Nick”. He isn’t the one who wrote letters to Theron or worked in the casino. That was his cellmate. But Senise doesn’t believe that, and things go awry. Funny that the movie actually seems a bit more fun without that conceit in the end.)

DirectorsJohn Frankenheimer – ( Known For: Ronin; Prophecy; The Manchurian Candidate; The Train; Seconds; Grand Prix; Black Sunday; 52 Pick-Up; Seven Days in May; French Connection II; Birdman of Alcatraz; I Walk the Line; The Holcroft Covenant; The Iceman Cometh; The Gypsy Moths; The Challenge; The Fixer; The Young Savages; 99 and 44/100% Dead!; All Fall Down; Future BMT: Dead Bang; Year of the Gun; BMT: The Island of Dr. Moreau; Reindeer Games; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director for The Island of Dr. Moreau in 1997; Notes: Was a legendary director and received an honorary Lifetime Achievement Award from the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films. He also won four Emmys for four miniseries he directed in the 90s. I’m actually a bit surprised he wasn’t nominated for an Oscar for some of his films from the 60s. This was his last film, he died a few years later.)

WritersEhren Kruger – ( Known For: The Ring; Ghost in the Shell; Scream 3; Dumbo; Arlington Road; New World Disorder; Future BMT: Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen; The Skeleton Key; The Brothers Grimm; Impostor; Blood and Chocolate; BMT: Transformers: Age of Extinction; The Ring Two; Reindeer Games; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in 2010; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 2012 for Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and in 2015 for Transformers: Age of Extinction; Notes: Just wrote the new Top Gun film. Cut his teeth via a ton of collaborations with Michael Bay.)

ActorsBen Affleck – ( Known For: Deep Water; The Last Duel; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; Dazed and Confused; Gone Girl; Good Will Hunting; Argo; The Town; Triple Frontier; The Tender Bar; Daredevil; The Accountant; He’s Just Not That Into You; Shakespeare in Love; Field of Dreams; Dogma; Jay and Silent Bob Reboot; Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back; Mallrats; The Sum of All Fears; Future BMT: Suicide Squad; Justice League; Pearl Harbor; Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Smokin’ Aces; Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Live by Night; 200 Cigarettes; Surviving Christmas; BMT: Armageddon; Paycheck; Runner Runner; Gigli; Reindeer Games; Phantoms; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor in 2004 for Daredevil, Gigli, and Paycheck; Winner for Worst Screen Combo for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice in 2017; Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Gigli in 2004; Nominee for Worst Actor in 2002 for Pearl Harbor; in 2005 for Jersey Girl, and Surviving Christmas; and in 2017 for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for The Last Duel in 2022; Nominee for Worst Actor of the Decade in 2010 for Daredevil, Gigli, Jersey Girl, Paycheck, Pearl Harbor, and Surviving Christmas; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple in 1999 for Armageddon; in 2002 for Pearl Harbor; and in 2005 for Jersey Girl; Notes: Y’all know Ben Affleck. Publicly struggled with alcohol and other personal matters, but he seems to have maybe found his … Way Back, heyooooooooooooooo.)

Gary Sinise – ( Known For: Forrest Gump; The Green Mile; The Quick and the Dead; Captain America: The Winter Soldier; Apollo 13; Joe Bell; Of Mice and Men; Snake Eyes; Ransom; I Still Believe; Open Season; The Human Stain; The Big Bounce; Albino Alligator; A Midnight Clear; A Wedding; SGT. Will Gardner; Bruno; All the Rage; Future BMT: Mission to Mars; The Forgotten; Impostor; Jack the Bear; BMT: Reindeer Games; Notes: Definitely most well known for his starring role in CSI: NY … wait, no, I think it might be for Forrest Gump, which is was nominated for an Oscar. He won an Emmy for his role in Frankenheimer’s miniseries George Wallace.)

Charlize Theron – ( Known For: Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness; F9: The Fast Saga; Mad Max: Fury Road; Prometheus; The Devil’s Advocate; Monster; The Old Guard; Bombshell; That Thing You Do!; The Italian Job; Snow White and the Huntsman; Atomic Blonde; The Road; The Fate of the Furious; Long Shot; Young Adult; 2 Days in the Valley; Hancock; The Cider House Rules; North Country; Future BMT: A Million Ways to Die in the West; The Huntsman: Winter’s War; The Addams Family 2; Trapped; Sweet November; 15 Minutes; BMT: The Astronaut’s Wife; Æon Flux; Reindeer Games; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Combo for A Million Ways to Die in the West in 2015; and Nominee for Worst Actress for Sweet November in 2002; Notes: Won an Oscar for Monster and nominated for two others (for Bombshell and North Country). Is set up for three sequels, Atomic Blonde 2, The Old Guard 2, and Fast X.)

Budget/Gross – $42,000,000 / Domestic: $23,368,995 (Worldwide: $32,168,970)

(A definitive bust. Not that surprising, it got terrible reviews at a time when that definitely mattered.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (23/90): Despite a decent cast, subpar acting and a contrived plot disappointed reviewers.

(Yeah, sounds about right. But here’s the thing … I like contrived plots. They are often turn-off-your-brain hilarious.)

Reviewer Highlight: Reindeer Games is basically a test of your ability to accept a slushpile of implausible twisteroos and Tarantino-style conceits. – Desson Thomson, Washington Post

Poster – Lame-deer Games

(One the one hand I respect it, cause it’s classic and the orange pops (although not all that Chirstmas-y). On the other the font is bad and I’d be thoroughly confused by the little scene they put in the upper right corner. I’d be like, wait… a bunch of Santas and a Casino… I guess I don’t know why that’s so important that we have to see it on the poster. C-.)

Tagline(s) – The trap is set. The game is on. (B-)

(How many movies could this be the tagline for? Answer: hundreds. How many board games could this be the tagline for? Answer: one, Mousetrap. Otherwise not the worst tagline. Short and got some cadence.)

Keyword(s) – dimension

Top 10: Sin City (2005), Spectre (2015), The Others (2001), Scream (1996), Equilibrium (2002), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), The Mist (2007), Death Proof (2007), 1408 (2007), Scary Movie (2000)

Future BMT: 86.5 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.8 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 77.4 Who’s Your Caddy? (2007), 76.9 Superhero Movie (2008), 70.6 Halloween II (2009), 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 68.6 Pulse (2006), 66.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 64.9 Scary Movie 4 (2006), 61.8 Cursed (2005)

BMT: Scary Movie V (2013), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Highlander: The Final Dimension (1994), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), My Boss’s Daughter (2003), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Dracula 2000 (2000), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998), Phantoms (1998), Texas Rangers (2001), Reindeer Games (2000), Mindhunters (2004)

Best Options (Action): 86.5 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 82.8 Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World (2011), 76.9 Superhero Movie (2008), 66.9 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 37.6 Reindeer Games (2000), 37.0 The Brothers Grimm (2005), 33.0 Fortress (1992), 30.5 Gunmen (1993)

(Looking at this, am I disappointed that we didn’t have this algorithm to tell us The Crow: City of Angels was probably our best option? A little. But I also think Reindeer Games was a long time coming for BMT so ultimately I think I’m fine with it. Crushing dat early-2000s Dimension I have to say.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ben Affleck is No. 1 billed in Reindeer Games and No. 1 billed in Gigli, which also stars Al Pacino (No. 7 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (7 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch Pearl Harbor we can get the HoE Number down to 8.

Notes – In October 2007, Charlize Theron said in an interview in Esquire magazine that “Reindeer Games” was her least favorite of all her films. She said: “That was a bad, bad, bad movie. But I got to work with John Frankenheimer. I wasn’t lying to myself – that’s why I did it.”

The film was cut by over twenty minutes before its original theatrical release date of December 1999 because of both a poor test screening and the MPAA’s objections over the infamous dart torture scene. John Frankenheimer’s preferred version was dark, gritty, and sexier. The film was released in Feburary 2000 in its shorter 104 minute version. Frankenheimer’s original version was released a year later with the twenty minutes restored on DVD as his “Director’s Cut”.

The character names Rudy and Nick are an allusion to the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” from which this movie takes its title. Nick (St. Nicholas) orchestrates the entire plan, only to have Rudy (Rudolph) lead it.

At the time of shooting, Gary Sinise was romantically involved with Charlize Theron.

In the scene where Dana Stubblefield stabs Ben Affleck, Stubbie accidentally knocked Affleck down, causing a concussion. Filming had to be halted while Affleck recovered.

John Frankenheimer’s last feature-length, theatrically distributed film.

Alan Silvestri was hired in late 1999 to score the film after replacing Jerry Goldsmith, who left due to creative differences. Silvestri had only a month to score the film, with the music being recorded in early January 2000.

Originally planned for a Christmas 1999 release, but delayed until February 2000 after a poor test screening in mid 1999.

The music that plays during the scene where all of the Santas, including Ben Affleck, appear together at the poker table is “Sleigh Bells”, which is a tip off for the impending robbery.

Ashton Kutcher: as the man with whom Rudy (Ben Affleck) switches clothes, in the bathroom.

Mindhunters Quiz

Oh man, so get this. I was on my normal Spring retreat with my FBI serial killer profiler buddies, when I was guzzling some drugged coffee and fell asleep. I don’t remember a thing now! Do you remember what happened in Mindhunters?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film we see two of our profilers enter a super creepy house. How do they know this is the house they are looking for, and why do they go in without backup?

2) LL Cool J is a detective who is going to observe the exercise on the island. Where does he work and why is he going along? 

3) What is the MO of the fictional (?) killer The Puppeteer? And how does Christian Slater die? 

4) There are a few more deaths. How did they occur? As many as you can.

5) It gets a bit confusing now, but who was the killer and why?

Bonus Question: In a mid-credits tease for a sequel we see Sara Moore back home recovering from her ordeals when she receives a call. From whom?

Answers

Mindhunters Preview

When the time machine settles, LePumice stares in awe at the thousands of teeny-boppers streaming into a nearby stadium as fireworks go off overhead. “What thuuuuu…” he mutters dumbly and Jamie and Patrick shake their heads in embarrassment. “It was… a weird time in our lives. I’m a little surprised you didn’t recognize us,” Jamie says and he and Patrick strike their signature PaJama ParTy Pose. Patrick coughs uncomfortably, “it doesn’t work as well without Parsons and Ty in the mix.” LePumice is shocked beyond words. “You… you were PaJama ParTy? The most massive boy band of the early 2000s? I was… I am a giant fan. How did that one hit go? ‘I need you girl, don’t be tardy. Keep it casual…’” Jamie completes the lyrics quietly, “‘at my pajama party.’” LePumice’s mind is blown. It seems impossible that the former members of PaJama ParTy could walk around without constantly being mobbed by legions of fans, but then again Jamie and Patrick had since become famous as the Bad Movie Twins and Parsons McPhee and Ty Whistler… well… “What ever happened to the other members of the group?” LePumice says, struggling to remember when he had last heard their names, even. Jamie and Patrick stare wistfully into the distance at the stadium. “You’ll find out tonight, I guess,” Patrick says sadly, “This was our last concert.” It’s August 16th, 2003, a sweltering evening in El Paso, Texas, and it’s the night that PaJama ParTy died. They were brought here for a reason, but what? To keep the band together? To save Ty from himself? To simply keep the concert from its disastrous conclusion? It didn’t matter what, first they had to get backstage. “Get in the right frame of mind, we’re going hunting.” Patrick states. That’s right! We’re watching the LL Cool J classic, Mindhunters. It’s a story about a serial killer on an island and it’s a totally original concept. Let’s go!  

Mindhunters (2004) – BMeTric: 23.5; Notability: 37

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 31.2%; Notability: top 22.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 23.5%; Higher BMeT: Catwoman, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, You Got Served, Torque, Taxi, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Soul Plane, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, Garfield, Thunderbirds, Seed of Chucky, Envy, Godsend, Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, Fat Albert, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, New York Minute, Exorcist: The Beginning, First Daughter, The Stepford Wives, and 58 more; Higher Notability: Catwoman, Shark Tale, Van Helsing, The Chronicles of Riddick, King Arthur, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Alexander, After the Sunset, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Blade: Trinity, She Hate Me, The Stepford Wives, Fat Albert, Man on Fire, Meet the Fockers, Around the World in 80 Days, The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Along Came Polly, The Phantom of the Opera, Alien vs. Predator, and 35 more; Lower RT: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, Twisted, My Baby’s Daddy, The Whole Ten Yards, Godsend, Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie – Pyramid of Light, The Cookout, Christmas with the Kranks, Johnson Family Vacation, Envy, Surviving Christmas, First Daughter, Catwoman, The Dust Factory, Taxi, House of D, Exorcist: The Beginning, New York Minute, Employee of the Month, A Cinderella Story, and 37 more; Notes: Once again, pretty good IMDb rating. Nearly 6.5 which I think would be a pretty convincing cutoff. Looking at the BMeT films, we really need to watch You Got Served.

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – One of Those Among Us Is a Killer, and We Cannot Leave This (a) Isolated Country Estate, (b) Besieged Police Station, (c) Antarctic Research Outpost, (d) Haunted House, (e) Space Station (f) Rogue Planet or (g) Summer Camp until we find out who it is — or until we all die. It is a most ancient and dependable formula, invariably surprising us with the identity of the killer, because the evidence is carefully rigged to point first to one suspect and then another, until they persuasively clear their names by getting murdered.

(In another part of the review Ebert suggests that if you’ve seen The Third Man it will help immensely in determining the killer in the film. Hinteresting. I have not seem that film.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTLaj8JuIsc/

(I’m jazzed up baby! A little sneak preview of what BMT has in store for us, because after watching this Dimension masterpiece we are just itched to watch more of these hilarious and dumb Dimension films. Buckle up.)

DirectorsRenny Harlin – ( Known For: The Misfits; Cleaner; Die Hard 2; Deep Blue Sea; The Long Kiss Goodnight; Cliffhanger; Devil’s Pass; A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master; 5 Days of War; Skiptrace; Prison; Born American; Bodies at Rest; Legend of the Ancient Sword; Future BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Exorcist: The Beginning; 12 Rounds; BMT: The Covenant; Mindhunters; The Legend of Hercules; Cutthroat Island; Driven; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1991 for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; in 1996 for Cutthroat Island; in 2002 for Driven; in 2005 for Exorcist: The Beginning; in 2015 for The Legend of Hercules; and in 2022 for The Misfits; Notes: The Legend of Hercules! He looooooooves poppin’ abs. That’s all I know about him. Apparently his original last name was Harjola, and he’s considered the most successful Finnish director in Hollywood history.)

WritersWayne Kramer – ( Known For: Running Scared; The Cooler; Crossing Over; BMT: Mindhunters; Notes: Born in South Africa. He also directed The Cooler, for which Alec Baldwin was nominated for an Academy Award.)

Kevin Brodbin – ( Known For: Constantine; The Siege of Jadotville; BMT: Mindhunters; The Glimmer Man; Notes: There is really nothing about this guy despite writing The Glimmer Man of all things. He still seemingly makes movies, so I assume he mostly does uncredited stuff.)

ActorsVal Kilmer – ( Known For: Heat; Top Gun; Tombstone; True Romance; Willow; The Missing; Deja Vu; The Prince of Egypt; Real Genius; The Doors; The Birthday Cake; Top Secret!; Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; Jay and Silent Bob Reboot; The Ghost and the Darkness; MacGruber; Song to Song; Kill the Irishman; Palo Alto; Twixt; Future BMT: Alexander; The Saint; Planes; Red Planet; At First Sight; The Real McCoy; Delgo; BMT: Batman Forever; The Snowman; The Island of Dr. Moreau; Mindhunters; The Love Guru; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor for The Saint in 1998; and Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 1997 for The Island of Dr. Moreau; and in 2005 for Alexander; Notes: Notably suffered from throat cancer, but he has been cancer free for a few years now. We’ll see what happens with Top Gun 2, which he is in. They say they’ve recreated his voice using AI technology, so there might be a way for him to return to consistent acting which would be kind of a cool story.)

LL Cool J – ( Known For: Charlie’s Angels; S.W.A.T.; Deep Blue Sea; Any Given Sunday; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; The Hard Way; Last Holiday; Edison; Deliver Us from Eva; Touch; The Deal; Out-of-Sync; Future BMT: Wildcats; B*A*P*S; In Too Deep; Woo; Kingdom Come; Slow Burn; Caught Up; BMT: Mindhunters; Toys; Rollerball; Grudge Match; Notes: Ladies love him. Was a very early signing for Def Jam Recordings releasing his first album in 1985.)

Christian Slater – ( Known For: True Romance; Nymphomaniac: Vol. I; Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles; Heathers; Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery; Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves; Zoolander; We Can Be Heroes; Pump Up the Volume; The Name of the Rose; FernGully: The Last Rainforest; Broken Arrow; Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country; The Legend of Billie Jean; Very Bad Things; Ask Me Anything; The Wife; Tales from the Darkside: The Movie; The Contender; Bullet to the Head; Future BMT: Windtalkers; The Wizard; Hot Tub Time Machine 2; Igor; Bed of Roses; Mobsters; Kuffs; Jimmy Hollywood; The Ten Commandments; BMT: Young Guns II; Mindhunters; 3000 Miles to Graceland; Alone in the Dark; Hard Rain; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 1992 for Mobsters, and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves; Notes: His mother was a casting director in Hollywood (including several of his films) which is how his family (including his half-brother) got into acting.)

Budget/Gross – $27 million / Domestic: $4,480,744 (Worldwide: $21,148,829)

(Oh wow, horrible. Makes sense they would go big for it, but seriously, that is a huge bomb. Didn’t even get back to the budget level worldwide.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 24% (29/119): A retread of Ten Little Indians that lacks the source material’s wit.

(HAHAHAHA. You think? Oh Mindhunters starring Val Kilmer, LL Cool J, and Christian Slater couldn’t match wits with Agatha Christie? Shocking.)

Reviewer Highlight: The illogic of the situation is so extreme that the final confrontation plays like an afterthought. – Robert Koehler, Variety.

Poster – Mindskloggers

(Wow! That’s the worst! I always hope to click on a link and have that beautiful The Avengers (1998) feeling and boy this gets close. It makes no sense, the coloring is terrible, the font is mostly bullshit as is the spacing, and it actually hurts my eyes. It’s near anti-perfection! Wow. F.)

Tagline(s) – For seven elite profilers, finding a serial killer is a process of elimination. Their own. (D)

(This is all you need to know to see how unoriginal this all is. This is clearly Ten Little Indians. Also it’s far too long even if I kinda like the ultimate payoff.)

Keyword(s) – serial-killer

Top 10: The Batman (2022), Fresh (2022), Scream (2022), Batman Begins (2005), Joker (2019), Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021), Scream (1996), Pulp Fiction (1994), Se7en (1995), Prisoners (2013)

Future BMT: 85.3 Halloween: Resurrection (2002), 78.0 Jeepers Creepers III (2017), 74.8 Psycho (1998), 70.6 Halloween II (2009), 70.3 , 70.1 Black Christmas (2006), 65.7 Valentine (2001), 64.8 My Soul to Take (2010), 62.8 The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007), 61.7 Brahms: The Boy II (2020)

BMT: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Friday the 13th (2009), Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990), I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997), Urban Legend (1998), Kiss the Girls (1997), The Snowman (2017), Zoolander 2 (2016), Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984), Color of Night (1994), Halloween II (1981), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), Jade (1995), Problem Child (1990), Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988), 88 Minutes (2007), Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982), Species II (1998), Untraceable (2008), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991), Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), The Glimmer Man (1996), Bless the Child (2000), Never Talk to Strangers (1995)

Matches: The Batman (2022), Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021), Scream (1996), Se7en (1995), The Silence of the Lambs (1991), The Little Things (2021), Scary Movie (2000), Monster (2003), The Lovely Bones (2009), Freaky (2020), Sherlock Holmes (2009), Saw (2004), Red Dragon (2002), In the Shadow of the Moon (2019), Kiss the Girls (1997), The Cell (2000), House of 1000 Corpses (2003), Manhunter (1986), Funny Games (2007), Midnight in the Switchgrass (2021), The Bone Collector (1999), Taking Lives (2004), The Gangster, the Cop, the Devil (2019), Child’s Play (1988), The Frozen Ground (2013), Disturbia (2007), Nightbreed (1990), Mr. Brooks (2007), The Howling (1981), The Poughkeepsie Tapes (2007), The Midnight Meat Train (2008), Frequency (2000), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Saw II (2005), Solace (2015), No Man of God (2021), Blitz (2011), Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998), Maniac (2012), Virtuosity (1995), Problem Child (1990), Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Cruising (1980), … (and many more)

(I think I’ve mentioned it before, but yeah. We really got into serial killers in the 90s. This film isn’t on the graph because it actually doesn’t have that keyword. But surely it must? It is, by definition, about a serial killer killing serial killer profilers.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 8) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: LL Cool J is No. 3 billed in Mindhunters and No. 2 billed in Rollerball, which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => (3 + 2) + (1 + 2) = 8. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The studio did not cast any character as a lead. Director Renny Harlin wanted no dummy characters or obvious victims and established a sense that “anyone could die at any moment” in the film.

The primary reason the film was able to be done on such a modest budget was due to a generous tax break from the Dutch government.

As part of LL Cool J’s preparation, he lost nearly 40 pounds and spent time with homicide detectives in the Philadelphia (PA) Police Dept.

The cast met with FBI personnel and underwent military weapons training for their roles.

Several variations of the ending were filmed. After numerous test screening were held in the United States in 2003, the final version of the film was determined for theatrical release.

Wayne Kramer sold the original spec screenplay of “Mindhunters” to 20th Century Fox. The title of his screenplay was originally called “UNSUB” (Unknown Subject) – but Fox executives preferred the title: MINDHUNTERS and changed it right before the deal was announced to the entertainment press. Kramer never felt comfortable with the title change because there was already a non-fiction book by John Douglas called MINDHUNTER.

The FBI maintains a vaunted computerized profiling operation in Quantico, Virginia. “Mindhunters” is an unofficial name for the profilers that handle the 300-plus referrals a year from local, state and federal law enforcement agencies.

Director Renny Harlin noted that the ensemble cast had a fantastic time living in Amsterdam for the shoot. “The main thing was to cut down on people’s fun, to make sure they showed up for work.”

To maximize tax breaks and keep the budget at the lowest possible level, the film was moved to England for post-production.

Originally set for a US theatrical release in 2003 and then early 2004, the film was pushed back to 4 June 2004. Secondary to numerous positive test screenings, it was pushed back once again to facilitate improved marketing of the film. But then two massive waves of layoffs occurred at Miramax and Dimension during this time, and the infamous Disney/Miramax split reached its height. The film remained in the Dimension vaults unreleased during this time. When the Disney and Miramax divorce was finally completed, numerous films under the Dimension label were released. This film finally made its theatrical debut in the United States on 13 May 2005.

A large part of the movie was filmed on the location where the Dutch anti riot police (Mobiele Eenheid) is trained. It’s a fake village where riots are simulated. There are still some traces of the movie. For instance, there still hangs a large poster on a wall, as can be seen in the movie.

The “Most Wanted” posters in the FBI Academy are of workers from the production’s art department.

In order to maintain its modest budget, the score was part of a package. A single fee covered the composer’s bill and also the cost of executing the score and orchestration, musicians for the non-electronic sections, mixing, and recording studio time.

Ehren Kruger did uncredited rewrites, based on Dimension’s belief in his script-doctoring capabilities often presented in their releases.

Supercross Recap

Jamie

My god, I didn’t realize that they had already made a biopic about me and Patrick’s lives. Two young gun supercross stars on the rise, one play-it-safe, the other throw-caution-to-the-wind, and both with talent and bravado to spare. Now of course I saw through their thinly veiled supercross symbolism to the bad movie twins metaphor underneath. Because obviously writing these posts each week is a bit like thrashing some sweet jumps on a motorbike (as one says). And just like they showed in the film, ultimately we came out on top (i.e made a website that everyone reads) and got a couple babes along the way. Did Patrick get recruited by a big time website to write safe, lame reviews while a different person got all the credit? Not exactly. Did I, the bad boy of the pair, sign on as an independent bad movie writer and seriously injure myself while protecting Patrick from a rival writer out for blood? Not the case. Did we then team up to win THE BIG RACE and take the bad movie game by storm? Most definitely. So you see, basically the same.

Now if they had asked for our opinions ahead of time they may have not created something so, how should I put this… not a movie… it’s not a movie. Supercross is just a series of images of supercross races glued together with sports film cliche. Were there any good things about it? Well, it certainly had some supercross and, as the Point Break remake proved, some visual dazzle of sports I don’t typically watch can make for some fun. In particular the brothers go one about the dream of winning THE BIG RACE as an independent rider and it’s something I didn’t know anything about, so that was interesting. I also thought the actresses in it were solid. Besides that though, it was clearly made by someone who had no business making a big budget feature (and hasn’t since) and as a result it feels more like a TV movie or straight-to-video fare. I can’t tell if I loved it as a BMT. It definitely had the making for it. But it also feels almost like it qualified for BMT by accident, by some quirk of the release schedule. While I mull that over I’ll give you a drinking game for Supercross:

  • Either of the brothers lose a race (1 drink. In fact the film should be called Race Losers cause they spend almost the entire film losing races both big and small)
  • Channing Tatum looks totally fly (1 drink. Which is always, so whenever he’s on screen)
  • The word “Nami” is uttered (2 drinks. There is only one thing better than a product placement, and that’s a fake product placement)
  • They mention that K.C. is a real safe rule-follower (2 drinks. Rulez are coolz so we at BMTHQ are big time K.C. heads)
  • K.C. breaks the rules! (3 drinks. Rulez are coolz, but sometimes rules are meant to be broken)
  • Tyler Evans tells someone that they’re definitely “going to pay for that” (3 drinks, and no, no one ever really pays for it other than Tyler himself)
  • Papa Johns! (when the boys order Papa Johns, you also order Papa Johns. And no cheating, you have to order exactly what they got)

Been a while since I enjoyed making one of those. Patrick?

Patrick

Hello everyone! Supercross? More like Stupidcross, amirite? What is with short films and bad boys with hearts of gold? Because Trip has a heart of gold out the wazoo in this film! His brother on the other hand loves rules and is just a stickler for them … wait a tic, is this the bad movie twins biography?! I don’t remember being a motocross legend. But perhaps motocross is a metaphor for bad movies … Anyways, on with the ‘pinions!

  • I’m not sure there is anything good about the film. Even the relationships in the film devolve down to frankly saying “yeah women can’t really be motocross stars, be the pit crew for your boyfriend” and “you’re a lawyer? Well you ‘belong’ to your motocross boyfriend just like us honey!” But I liked the two actresses at least.
  • The movie is barely a movie. Literally 80 minutes flat (with credits). That is just screaming “we are desperately trying to hit feature length.”
  • Young Channing Tatum is a dick yo.
  • Tyler Evans, congratulations, you’re in the running for the top 10 biggest BMT villains. Imagine the BMTFI Top 10 Villians and it is just obscure characters like Tyler Evans. He isn’t even a character, he plays himself!
  • Fun fact: Tyler Evans gets beat the F out like three times by the Carlyle bros in motocross and never gets his revenge. He keeps coming over on his bike being like “watch out KC I’m totes going to knock you off your bike next race” and then he never manages to do it! Still a top 10 villain though.
  • Some of the best Product Placement (What?) we’ve ever seen, and not just for motocross itself, but at one point the brothers scream at each other “PAPA JOHN’S!!!!” and then one of them goes on to describe in meticulous detail their pizza order including insisting upon multiple garlic butter sauces.
  • Otherwise it is just a kind of okay Setting as a Character (Where?) film for California. And then … I mean, just look at at this recap! This is definitely a BMT film through and through in my opinion.
  • Oh and the IMDb plot is “Faced with the suspicious death of their father, two brothers must motivate one another to get back on their bikes and take the Las Vegas Motocross Championships by storm.” … Yeah, their father is just dead in the beginning, there is no mention of a suspicious death or anything.

It definitely will have me thinking about it for a few hours. I think if I had my druthers I would pitch Netflix a prequel series called Supercross: Brotherhood. It is about the Carlyles’ father and Earl Cole in their motorcycle gang the Ravens and they are getting in a whole mess of trouble. They do crime as their day job, and then on Saturday they hit the track, and on Monday they hit the gym (broooo). They’re best of buds and that’s confusing because in the movie Earl is like “I kind of remember your father maybe …”, but you build that into the story, like a secret pact to never tell their children. And in the end their father died suspiciously (thus retconning the IMDb plotline into existence!). I’d watch it. Like a worse Sons of Anarchy. Cheerios, and back to you Jamie!

Supercross Quiz

Oh man, so I was the bad boy of motocross (natch) and really wanted to take out this goodie two shoes KC Carlyle, but man, instead I took myself out and sustained a massive concussion. I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Supercross?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Trip and KC live and breathe motocross. But that isn’t their day jobs, what do they do to make actual money?

2) Trip is in full meltdown mode when KC gets a factory ride with Nami. At a bar he decides to challenge a motorcyclist to a race. What do they race for and who wins?

3) Trip and Piper start to get preeeeeeeeeeetty friendly. And their father’s used to know each other. What deal does Piper’s father offer Trip to get him in the big race?

4) Prior to the big race Trip gets into a big accident while protecting KC from a dirty rider. What injuries does he sustain?

5) Why does KC quit Nami?

Bonus Question: Mid-credit we see the brothers celebrating their huge win in a bar when a shadow approaches. Who shows up and why?

Answers

Supercross Preview

Jamie and Patrick stare wide eyes as they witness Young Jamie and Young Patrick approach the group of kids throwing their comic books to the side. They proceed to let the kids know that this is their turf and to “skedaddle tout de suite, daddio” (as all the kids were saying). For a moment it seems like things might actually turn out OK. “Aw, look, Young Patrick is letting that one kid know that he happens to have something on his shirt,” Jamie says hopefully. But psych! There wasn’t anything on his shirt at all! What a ruse! He quickly runs his finger up the kids shirt and flicks them right in the nose. “Oh no, we’re total dicks!” exclaims Jamie in despair and Patrick watches sadly as Young Jamie and Young Patrick gleefully predator high five in the wake of the fleeing kids. “What are we going to do?” shouts Jamie, grabbing Patrick by the shirt, “that poor child had nothing at all on his shirt! Nothing!” He’s now sobbing uncontrollably as he rends his clothes in anguish. “No wonder we would be mistaken for terrorists,” Jamie says, wiping his nose, “we basically already were terrorists. That poor kid just didn’t want to have anything on his shirt. And what did he get for checking? A finger flick in the nose.” Jamie curls into a ball, ready to die for his sins. “No!” shouts Patrick. “I don’t accept that we are little assholes,” he says resolutely. “B-but what are we going to do?” Jamie sniffles sadly. Patrick looks around and his gaze alights on a couple of rad dirtbikes. “Time to take these kids downtown and show them what it’s like.” With that, Jamie and Patrick hop onto the dirtbikes and zoom down the hill. That’s right! It feels like it’s been a while since we saw a true blue sports film. Enter Supercross, the supercross film that took the country by storm. It gave the people what they wanted: less than 90 minutes of sweet, sweet supercross action. Let’s go!

Supercross (2005) – BMeTric: 46.5; Notability: 23

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 13.6%; Notability: top 30.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 2.0%; Higher BMeT: Son of the Mask, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, The Fog, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D, xXx: State of the Union, Boogeyman, Elektra, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Bewitched, A Sound of Thunder, Are We There Yet?, The Crow: Wicked Prayer, The Dukes of Hazzard, Stealth, Cursed, Doom, Dirty Love, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, An American Haunting, and 14 more; Higher Notability: The Island, Fantastic Four, Kingdom of Heaven, Bewitched, Domino, Be Cool, Fun with Dick and Jane, xXx: State of the Union, Memoirs of a Geisha, Chicken Little, The Longest Yard, The Great Raid, Son of the Mask, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, Stealth, Cursed, The Ring Two, Flightplan, The Dukes of Hazzard, Rumor Has It…, and 56 more; Lower RT: The Crow: Wicked Prayer, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, The Fog, Chaos; Notes: Really fun plot, a rare one which was released at the perfect time for the archive to get it all the way from zero votes and when IMDb itself was much less popular as a platform. The RT score is obviously the bit bit of cred here. And we’ve only seen two of the five worse ones, embarrassing for us.

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Also known as Supercross the Movie (for those who need things spelled out), this film presents a thin plot about two disparate brothers who are suddenly thrust into the world of hyper-competitive uber-bike championships after the mysterious death of their father. One of the boys is sponsored, which allowed plenty of opportunity to hawk everything from motor oil to tires. Product placement never had it so good. A lame-brained ESPN program passing for a movie.

(Product. Placement. Never. Had. It. So. Good. … That’s a lot to live up to Leonard, you best not be joshing me. And disparate brothers? Uber-bike championships? A mysterious death of a father these disparate brothers loves (oh boy do I hope one of them had a complicated relationship with him!). I’m very very excited.)

Trailer –  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4p16x6zEsc

(Uh … what the hell is this? HOLY SHIT, I’m already in love with this nonsense. Are all of these people like … actual motocross people? I sure hope so, because that would be some hilarious acting.)

DirectorsSteve Boyum – ( Future BMT: Meet the Deedles; BMT: Supercross; Notes: An interesting cross of being a stunt coordinator and then, later, a pretty major television director. He directed eight episodes of Lethal Weapon, and nine of Supernatural among many others. He is, in fact, a motor-cross racer.)

WritersKen Solarz – ( Known For: City of Industry; BMT: Supercross; Notes: Mostly writes for television. Most recently he wrote fourteen episodes of the new Hawaii Five-0. He produces with Wild Child Productions.)

Bart Baker – ( Known For: Live Wire; BMT: Supercross; Notes: He mostly wrote television movies. He also is maybe a writer as a film called Honeymoon with Harry is coming out where he is credited with writing the novel.)

Keith Alan Bernstein – ( BMT: Supercross; Notes: Literally nothing about this person. I bet he is an amateur motor-cross racer who penned a script that was then handed over to screenwriters.)

ActorsSteve Howey – ( Known For: Stuber; Game Over, Man!; DOA: Dead or Alive; Stan Helsing; In Your Eyes; See You in Valhalla; Wrong Cops; Conception; Making Babies; Unleashed; Losing Control; BMT: Something Borrowed; Bride Wars; Supercross; Notes: Was in over one hundred episodes of Shameless, and way back when over a hundred episodes of Reba.)

Mike Vogel – ( Known For: The Help; Cloverfield; Blue Valentine; She’s Out of My League; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants; Secret Obsession; Battle of the Sexes; Havoc; The Case for Christ; The Boy; Across the Hall; The Deaths of Ian Stone; McCanick; Caffeine; Open Graves; Jake Squared; Heaven’s Rain; Future BMT: What’s Your Number?; BMT: Fantasy Island; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Poseidon; Rumor Has It…; Grind; Supercross; Notes: Y’all know Mike Vogel. Oh, maybe you don’t. He starred in Grind. He’s done a decent number of television shows over the years (like Under the Dome) and still gets bit parts in things (he was a dancer in Battle of the Sexes).)

Sophia Bush – ( Known For: Incredibles 2; Marshall; False Positive; Acts of Violence; Chalet Girl; Hard Luck Love Song; Table for Three; The Narrows; Future BMT: Van Wilder; John Tucker Must Die; The Hitcher; Stay Alive; BMT: Supercross; Notes: Was in over eighty episodes of Chicago P.D. She was briefly married to Chad Michael Murray, and apparently is an avid beekeeper.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $3,102,550 (Worldwide: $3,344,431)

(Holy cow, that is horrendous. There is no way this cost $30 million. I bet they are piling in all of the sponsorships they got for all this and not really accounting for the fact that 90% of the production was completely paid for before anything was shot. Still horrendous.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 5% (4/74): While it showcases some cool stunts, Supercross feels like an infomercial for its titular sport, with undeveloped characters and a shopworn plot.

(I mean … yeah, that’s what the trailer looks like. I think this used to be more common in the 80s. I feel like there used to be skiing movies that would just be like “skiing is fun … also here are some shootouts on the slopes to keep you entertained, but also look at these vistas.”)

Reviewer Highlight: A brand-encrusted infomercial. – Scott Brown, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – Dirtbike Dudes Deluxe

(This poster is aggressive. I feel like it’s telling me I better like supercross or else I’m pretty much donzo. I love the font and like that they really went for it in the framing. The color scheme is god awful. Look at that white background and rest is basically sepia? Hurting my eyes. C+)

Tagline(s) – Fear nothing. Risk everything. (B)

(Alright, a little generic but I’m picking up what they are putting down. I think if they just added a third part that added a little supercross flair to the whole thing I might have really dug it.)

Keyword(s) – extreme-sport

Top 10: Mid90s (2018), Along Came Polly (2004), Blue Crush (2002), Lords of Dogtown (2005), Whip It (2009), Rad (1986), North Hollywood (2021), Chasing Mavericks (2012), Rollerball (2002), Orange County (2002)

Future BMT: 33.7 Along Came Polly (2004), 7.0 Chasing Mavericks (2012)

BMT: Rollerball (2002), Supercross (2005)

Matches: Rollerball (2002)

(Love it. The plot is a bit lame, but still fun to look at the last (real) one left in Chasing Mavericks. A Gerard Butler film we’ve inexplicably not seen? Yes please.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Mike Vogel is No. 2 billed in Supercross and No. 3 billed in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which also stars Jessica Biel (No. 1 billed) who is in New Year’s Eve (No. 4 billed) which also stars Robert De Niro (No. 1 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 1 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 3) + (1 + 4) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 19. If we were to watch Blade: Trinity, Murder at 1600, and The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 16.

Notes – The “450 Nami” bikes, ridden by K.C and Rowdy, are in fact just dressed up Honda 450’s. (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

The exterior shots of the Team Nami building are actually the Kawasaki Motorcycle Headquarters formerly located in Irvine, California. They did not, however, have a private test track next to the property.

Alana Austin also starred in the DCOM Motorcrossed.

Snake Eyes (2021) Recap

Jamie

Snake Eyes is rebooted, Jack! This time he’s all young and hip and not yet totally anonymous. Hell bent on exacting revenge for the death of his father, Snake Eyes finds himself mixed up in a conflict within an ancient Japanese clan.. And Cobra… and GI Joe’s for sure. Can he get revenge and stop them all before it’s too late? Find out in… Snake Eyes (2021).

How?! Snake Eyes has so much angst. That’s cause he watched his father die at the hands of a man known as Snake Eyes. Now he’s taken on that moniker and he’s ready to… well basically be sad. It’s been a hardscrabble life for young Snake Eyes, who gets recruited by the Yakuza after showing off his fighting skillz as a MMA fighter. But when a fellow worker, Tommy, is revealed to be a traitor Snake Eyes can’t stand to murder him in cold blood and instead helps him escape. For his trouble he is rewarded with Tommy’s loyalty. Turns out Tommy is actually the heir to a big time Japanese clan and wants Snake Eyes initiated into the clan. Everyone is like, what this dope? And also they are super suspicious. Turns out they are all right because (spoiler alert!) it was all a ruse and Snake Eyes is still working for the Yakuza in exchange for information about his father’s murderer. The Yakuza big boss, Kenta, is working with Cobra and ultimately wants what he believes is his: the clan’s MacGuffin, the Jewel of the Sun. Snake Eyes is like, whatever, fine, just get me my father’s murderer and proceeds to pass the first two initiation tasks for the clan (which honestly seemed not that hard, I could probably have done them). But the third task is all about some big ass snakes that can sense when someone isn’t pure of heart (now that’s more like it!), Snake Eyes fails and is expelled. But he’s learned enough as he’s able to return and steal the Jewel of the Sun. In exchange he is delivered his father’s murderer, but ultimately relizes that friendship > bloodlust (aww) and heads back to the clan to help them fend off Kenta. Now armed with the Jewel, Kenta is formidable, but with the help of a GI Joe they are able to get the Jewel back. Tommy attempts to use the jewel against Kenta, but Snake Eyes is the one to defeat him by luring him into the big ass snake pit (yeah!). Tommy is exiled for trying to use the Jewel and vows revenge against Snake Eyes, while Snake Eyes is recruited to the Joes. THE END.

Why?! Big ol’ MacGuffin Alert. Not often do you get a classic of the genre. In this case the Jewel of the Sun is an uber powerful weapon that everyone wants. So powerful that the clan can never use it, it must only protect it. This turns out to be simply the ability to shoot flames at people. So like a flamethrower? Sure I could see that being pretty great in feudal Japan, but like… really anyone can have a flamethrower nowadays. Anyway, Snake Eyes wants revenge and the bad guys want power.

Who?! Gotta love a pro wrestling acting debut. Mojo Rawley appears briefly as Snake Eyes’ opponent in a street fight. He’s actually had a pretty good career in the WWE. He also had a cup of coffee with a couple NFL teams as well, which would get him called a “Former Professional Football Player” on The Bachelorette, so that’s good enough for me.

What?! I talk about the MacGuffin, but more as an object of desire and less about an object in itself. It’s an orange glowing piece of rock that acts as a flamethrower for those that wield it. The story we are told is that the sun goddess sent it down to Earth as a test and that the clan was tasked with protecting it and specifically to never use it. So… it’s a meteorite… like in Super Mario Bros.?

Where?! We get a bunch of real rad intertitles telling us where we are, but we are primarily in Japan (with a brief moment in Los Angeles). I would say that it’s a pretty good Japan setting given that it’s steeped in Japanese lore. But it also mostly takes place in a fake dojo and so doesn’t have the feel of Tokyo or anyplace real. So just a B.

When?! Hmmm. Usually I can venture a guess here, but this is a weird one. It has the feeling of taking place outside of time and it could probably be anytime. This is almost certainly an F. I highly doubt there is actually any indication of when this takes place because there isn’t a need to… it’s just a dumb film with a bunch of dumb fake stuff happening in a fake place at a fake time. The end.

You’d think that after already trying to start up a GI Joe Cinematic Universe (GIJCU) and more or less falling on their faces with some pretty dumbo paint-by-numbers actioners earlier in the decade that people would have learned their lesson. Apparently not cause this is a straight up mid 2000’s dumbo action film centered around a 1990’s MacGuffin. All of it is dumb and (even worse) pretty boring. That’s not mentioning a nice, glaring example of a BMT classic. My guy Henry Golding can’t hold down an American accent to save himself. It just ain’t happening and they needed to quickly pull a JCVD and say he was American but had an accent for some reason. Anyway, I was pretty shocked to find myself decidedly not entertained by this movie and instead walked away scratching my head about how it ended up somehow overrated. It’s actually a bit upsetting. One thing I’ve learned over the years of BMT is to embrace the beauty of the franchise. The story you can build across movies, even if it’s all kinda stupid. I would hope this continues and we see more… but also they have to do a bit better than this. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! We got a backdoor pilot for a GI Joe reboot! We got ninjas! We got a film which is about just one GI Joe, but before he actually got to do anything interesting with the GI Joe’s … Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – One of the rare 2021 films to get a wide release and bad reviews, we just had to save it for the end of the year run down. I didn’t really know much about the film going in. I didn’t even really know if it had anything to do with GI Joe. Which was fun. What were my expectations? I guess shiny garbage. Is this second dying? Isn’t every bad movie that comes out now just shiny garbage? I can’t really tell there have been so few in the last 2 years.

The Good – I liked the actors. All of them I think did a very good job with the material given. And a lot of the action is pretty cool (except for one aspect of it, which I’ll get to in the Bad section). But honestly, that is it. Nothing else in this movie is worth the time spent watching it. Not a single think. Best Bit: The actors are charming enough that I hope to see all them in other stuff in the future.

The Bad – The film is nonsense. Pure, utter nonsense. Such nonsense that I’m tempted to call the whole thing dog poo in my face … but can I go so far? It feels like that should be reserved for really unredeemable piles of trash. This ain’t that, because the actors are fine and the action is kind of cool. Speaking of which, wire-fu man. Also looks like trash. The action looks so good when it is hand to hand stuff, and all of a sudden people are jumping twenty feet in the air and everything looks ridiculous. Didn’t even need the speed-up suits from the first GI Joe film. Fatal Flaw: The film makes no sense and that makes my brain angry and my heart sad. 

The BMT – It is weird to watch a disjointed franchise going through multiple reimaginings in BMT, but I think we might get there with GI Joe. If they ever decide to make a drastically different version of GI Joe again we’d have watched multiple reboots of a property mostly live in BMT. Did it meet my expectations? Yeah. Yes, it is shiny garbage, but this is more than that. This is truly a bad film. And really what more can I ask for in the end.

Roast-radamus – A very good Product Placement (What?) right in the nick of time, with Storm Shadow sipping on some Johnny Walker Black (the most eeeevil of all the Johnny Walker whiskies) during the mid-credits scene. A great international Setting as a Character (Where?) for Japan which is a surprisingly rare setting for bad movies. And a fabulous MacGuffin (Why?) for the glowing orange gem which, it turns out, lights people on fire. Closest to BMT I think, being mostly redeemed through its connection to GI Joe and all of the baggage that entails.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – I mean, a prequel is pretty lame. I think it is time to bring back our old friend, the BMT Crossover Episode. Snake Eyes has almost died a few times now, so Sasha Petrosevitch sends out his elite Half Past Dead Investigative Unit (HPDIU) to see if he qualifies for Half Past Dead duty (and you bettah belieb he does). You better watch out because the Half Past Dead crew now has a ninja on board. “I ain’t Aikido, but it’ll do,” Sasha smirks. “That sounds like a challenge.” says Snake Eyes. Aikido versus … karate I assume? I don’t know martial arts very well, but it’s obviously a draw. “You done well kid,” Sasha says with his eyes. The first mission? We have a little issue with a Cobra offshoot called Asp which is trying to resurrect Donny Johnson’s essence into a robot body (remember this is GI Joe, so literally anything is possible). Sasha and Snake Eyes ain’t having that. In the end with a Aikido-karate fusion, they destroy Robo-Chestnut in the nick of time and save the day. GI Joe: Half Past Dead: Ninja Resurrection.

A few more and You Just Got Schooled will be back with a vengeance! Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Snake Eyes (2021) Quiz

Oh man, so here’s the thing. I’m a pretty sweet ninja, but then this bad guy with a ‘tude popped out an bopped me on the head and I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Snake Eyes (2021)?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) At the docks at the beginning of the film Snake Eyes has a job with Kenta’s yakuza gang. What is his job?

2) After saving Tommy’s life at the docks, Tommy brings him back to his home in Japan. What is Tommy’s relationship with Kenta and why did they have a falling out?

3) In reality Snake Eyes is working for Kenta. To do what, and what does he get in return?

4) To get in with the Arashikage clan Snake Eyes must pass three tests. What are the three tests?

5) In the end Snake Eyes becomes a good guy, and Tommy becomes Storm Shadow. Why is Tommy expelled / why does he quit the clan?

Bonus Question: In the super secret end of credits scene only available for special customers, what was Snake Eyes first mission revealed to be?

Answers