martial arts – Bad Movie Twins

The Quest Preview

Jamie, Patrick, and Kyle stare at Lou Cash in shock. “Lou… don’t do this,” Patrick says calmly and Lou scoffs. “Do what? Return order to the world? Stop the chaos that you’ve brought upon us all. Do you remember where the Obsidian Dongle was before you came along?” Jamie and Patrick remember back to their backpacking trip across Europe where they stole the Dongle from some high level terrorists in Budapest. Sure, things had gone a bit awry since those simple days and maybe they’ve overcomplicated everything a little bit, but surely Lou can’t be suggesting that he’d rather see the Dongle in the hands of some high level terrorists. Lou shakes his head sadly. “I knew you wouldn’t understand. Think!” Patrick and Jamie rack their brains and suddenly their mouths go dry. “No…” mutters Jamie, “that’s not true. That’s impossible!” Kyle is now staring wide-eyed at them and quickly flees into the other room. “Are we…” stammers Patrick, “are we now the high level terrorists?” Lou Cash’s eyes are gleaming. He nods his head excitedly, “And it’s only a matter of time till some government comes along with some shiny new Bad Movie Twins and the cycle will begin anew. But it’s not too late. Come… come with me.” Lou hurries them across the hall to his laboratory/apartment. In the middle of the room is what looks like a shiny blue igloo. On the side are painted the words ‘CAUTION: Deconvoluter In Action. Do not even think about using this machine unless absolutely necessary. In particular if you’ve overcomplicated everything and need to deconvolute it. But also, be careful. It’s a time machine.’ Lou is looking at them eagerly. “You ready?” he asks impatiently. “We have no time… this is your quest.” That’s right! We are heading for the end of the year and gotta hit some of the greatest anniversaries. Perhaps the greatest of them all is also a film I’ve seen many times. Why? Because it’s hilarious and I love it. It’s The Quest starring, written, and directed by Jean-Claude Van Damme. Nothing more needs to be said. Let’s go!

The Quest (1996) – BMeTric: 41.8; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.0%; Notability: top 24.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.0%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Striptease, Bio-Dome, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Ed, The Crow: City of Angels, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Poison Ivy II, Solo, The Glimmer Man, Eddie, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Maximum Risk, Jingle All the Way, Bordello of Blood, and 5 more; Higher Notability: Eraser, The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Daylight, Mulholland Falls, Eddie, The Associate, Up Close & Personal, Dear God, Sgt. Bilko, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Eye for an Eye, The Crow: City of Angels, The Adventures of Pinocchio, Space Truckers, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, The Glimmer Man, and 41 more; Lower RT: Big Bully, The Dentist, Ed, Ripe, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Bulletproof, Eye for an Eye, Solo, Celtic Pride, House Arrest, Mrs. Winterbourne, Two If by Sea, Larger Than Life, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, The Glimmer Man, In Love and War, Down Periscope, and 9 more; Notes: It is beyond incredible this film has above 5.0 on IMDb. It might actually be the worst directed film ever made. The stats are kind of okay, but I’m surprised it isn’t in the top 10% on Rotten Tomatoes. The 90s were a wild time.

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars – Epic martial-arts story with high-kicking Van Damme as N.Y.C. pickpocket whose efforts to elude police lead him to the Far East and into the most exclusive and prestigious fight in the “world.” Besides Jean-Claude, film features 15 of the world’s greatest martial arts champions. A passable but uninspired directing debut for the star, who also gets story credit.

(My god, the rating is super high as well from Maltin. Also, he’s on a first name basis with “Jean-Claude”? I didn’t know Maltin and him were besties.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaCbSlAsQoE/

(DuBois!!!!!!!!!! I have to admit, this film has an awesome trailer. Greased up abs, promises serious martial arts action, Roger Moore, Van Damme as a champion. I’m jazzed and I’ve already seen this film multiple times.)

Directors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( BMT: The Quest; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: He actually did direct another film. A little film called Full Love (aka The Frenchy aka The Eagle Path), ever heard about it? No?)

Writers – Frank Dux – ( Known For: Bloodsport; BMT: The Quest; Notes: Notorious in the industry for claiming a huge number of impressive martial arts abilities and challenging people to fights. Some people seem to think that these claims might, allegedly, be completely made up.)

Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( Known For: Kickboxer: Vengeance; Kickboxer: Retaliation; Legionnaire; Kickboxer 2: The Road Back; The Order; Future BMT: Kickboxer; Lionheart; BMT: Double Impact; The Quest; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: He ended up with a lot of early story credits because he edited and coordinated things like Bloodsport because he is, it turns out, a kickboxing savant. He wrote a random episode of a French television series called Rani.)

Steven Klein – ( BMT: The Quest; Notes: There is literally nothing about this person in IMDb. Other places seem to suggest he wrote a few more movies, but I bet they are mixing up another person with a similar name.)

Paul Mones – ( Known For: Fathers & Sons; The Beat; Saints and Sinners; BMT: Double Team; The Quest; Notes: Was a small actor, mostly in the 80s, including appearing as J.T. in 6 episodes of The Renegades and the associated television movie (an update of The Renegades))

Actors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( Known For: Last Action Hero; The Expendables 2; Bloodsport; Kung Fu Panda 3; Hard Target; Kung Fu Panda 2; The Last Mercenary; Welcome to the Jungle; No Retreat, No Surrender; Timecop; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Kickboxer: Vengeance; Kickboxer: Retaliation; Black Water; Sudden Death; JCVD; Desert Heat; In Hell; 6 Bullets; Universal Soldier: Regeneration; Future BMT: Street Fighter; Kickboxer; Nowhere to Run; Lionheart; Death Warrant; Breakin’; Maximum Risk; Missing in Action; BMT: Universal Soldier; Double Impact; Cyborg; Double Team; The Quest; Universal Soldier: The Return; Knock Off; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: A genuine karate champion from Belgium, he is misty well known for kickboxing at this point (and the movie that shares the name with that sport). Loves doing splits and often plays characters who are definitely 100% American but have French accents for some reason.)

Roger Moore – ( Known For: For Your Eyes Only; Live and Let Die; The Spy Who Loved Me; Moonraker; Octopussy; The Man with the Golden Gun; The Wild Geese; The Last Time I Saw Paris; The Sea Wolves; Escape to Athena; Shout at the Devil; North Sea Hijack; Caesar and Cleopatra; Gold; That Lucky Touch; The Naked Face; Crossplot; The Carer; Diane; The Miracle; Future BMT: A View to a Kill; The Saint; Boat Trip; Curse of the Pink Panther; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; BMT: The Cannonball Run; Spice World; The Quest; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Spice World in 1999; Notes: James Bond! He died in 2017. His career was a little weird after Bond, but was in stuff like For Your Eyes Only.)

James Remar – ( Known For: Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood; Miracle on 34th Street; Django Unchained; The Girl Next Door; The Warriors; Ratatouille; RED; X: First Class; Pineapple Express; 48 Hrs.; The Blackcoat’s Daughter; Horns; The Phantom; What Lies Beneath; Cruising; USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage; The Long Riders; Lap Dance; Drugstore Cowboy; The Cotton Club; Future BMT: Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Blade: Trinity; The Unborn; Psycho; Duplex; Renaissance Man; Band of the Hand; Persecuted; BMT: 2 Fast 2 Furious; Judge Dredd; Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; The Clan of the Cave Bear; Wild Bill; The Quest; Fatal Instinct; Notes: Dexter’s dad / the guy who gets arrested in The Warriors. Is a television star, most recently in 58 episodes of Black Lightning.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $21,686,547 (Worldwide: $57,400,547)

(Pretty rough. Maybe I should start gathering more information for this. Given I have all of the data already I could do a comp to the director / writers / stars to try and put it in context a bit. Could be fun.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (3/21): Jean-Claude Van Damme makes a forgettable directorial debut with The Quest, a bland retread of better heroes’ journeys.

(Yup. I mean … this is the same story as Bloodsport right? It is just a Kumite by a different name (and no it doesn’t smell as sweet). You like that? That would have been my short review on Rotten Tomatoes: “A Kumite by another name doesn’t smell as sweet.”)

Reviewer Highlight: Interesting only for being so totally familiar, even if you’ve never seen another film about a Ghan-Gheng martial-arts match in an ancient Lost City in Tibet. – Janet Maslin, New York Times

Poster – The Best Quest

(I’d hang that on the wall. Nice color scheme and the framing is interesting. I think probably from an advertising point of view they probably would have wanted to make the fighting part of it bigger, but I don’t have too many faults with it. B+.)

Tagline(s) – Go the distance (D)

A lost city, A man of destiny, A test of honor… (B+)

(The first one is funny cause it almost seems like they meant to name the film The Quest: Go the Distance, which would have been great and terrible. The second one is the real tagline and obviously fits a classic tagline structure. Gotta appreciate it.)

Keyword(s) – martial-arts

Top 10: Dune (2021), Spider-Man (2002), Eternals (2021), Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021), The Matrix (1999), Red Notice (2021), The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), Die Hard (1988), The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014), Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Future BMT: 87.7 Street Fighter (1994), 85.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 69.3 Seed of Chucky (2004), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 61.3 Scooby-Doo (2002), 59.8 Spawn (1997), 58.6 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 55.9 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 52.1 Green Lantern (2011), 51.8 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008)

BMT: Jingle All the Way (1996), Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (2021), Snake Eyes (2021), Road House (1989), Sucker Punch (2011), Police Academy (1984), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Gods of Egypt (2016), Jupiter Ascending (2015), Battleship (2012), R.I.P.D. (2013), Fantastic Four (2015), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), Queen of the Damned (2002), Batman & Robin (1997), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Hellboy (2019), The Last Airbender (2010), The Predator (2018), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Batman Forever (1995), The Three Musketeers (2011), Angel Has Fallen (2019), The Mummy (2017), Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014), Assassin’s Creed (2016), G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013), Bloodshot (2020), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Hitman: Agent 47 (2015), Demolition Man (1993), Mortal Kombat (1995), Wild Wild West (1999), Hitman (2007), Eraser (1996), Mechanic: Resurrection (2016), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), The Bodyguard (1992), Johnny Mnemonic (1995), Dragonball Evolution (2009), The Expendables 3 (2014), Gone in 60 Seconds (2000), Young Guns II (1990), Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001), Behind Enemy Lines (2001), I Am Number Four (2011), Epic Movie (2007), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), The Cannonball Run (1981), Eragon (2006), Conan the Barbarian (2011), Judge Dredd (1995), Gangster Squad (2013), Rambo III (1988), Pompeii (2014), Mile 22 (2018), Predator 2 (1990), Elektra (2005), Meet the Spartans (2008), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Alien vs. Predator (2004), Masters of the Universe (1987), London Has Fallen (2016), Universal Soldier (1992), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Doom (2005), Rambo (2008), Conan the Destroyer (1984), Catwoman (2004), The Postman (1997), Alex Cross (2012), Howard the Duck (1986), RoboCop 2 (1990), Jason X (2001), This Means War (2012), Æon Flux (2005), Red Dawn (2012)

Matches: Daredevil (2003), The Karate Kid (1984), Road House (1989), Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003), The Accountant (2016), Warrior (2011), The Karate Kid Part III (1989), Here Comes the Boom (2012), Mortal Kombat (1995), The Expendables (2010), Charlie’s Angels (2000), Kung Fu Panda (2008), Mission: Impossible II (2000), Street Fighter (1994), Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991), Bloodsport (1988), Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)

(Jeez, there are a lot of bad films with this keyword. Jingle All the Way … yeah there was martial arts in that. The graph is super fun. I have to imagine the drop off is the same as with any keyword: martial arts films aren’t going to be released to theaters anymore, leaving only films with incidental martial arts getting the keyword.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Roger Moore is No. 2 billed in The Quest and No. 2 billed in The Cannonball Run, which also stars Burt Reynolds (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 5 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 5) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch A View to a Kill, and Stand Up Guys we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Frank Dux sued Jean-Claude Van Damme over the writing credits of the movie, claiming that Van Damme and he wrote the story under the title “The Kumite: Enter the New Dragon” in 1991. Van Damme denied this, claiming the two projects were unrelated. Dux won his story credit via a ruling of the Writer’s Guild of America, but lost the actual court case. (Wait … so this was literally just a Kumite by another name?)

Producer Moshe Diamant was hoping to get Sir Roger Moore back to work on another of his productions, but Moore declined, after having a difficult time working on this movie.

When the production was running out of money, many of the crew were asked to work for free to keep filming on schedule. The producers promptly found the money for the filming, when said crew laughed at them, and threatened to strike.

Tatum O’Neal claims in her autobiography that she was called personally for the main female role in this movie by Jean-Claude Van Damme, but failed to get the part after a romance between her and Van Damme faltered. (Gross)

In his autobiography “My Word is My Bond”, Sir Roger Moore states that this movie was a disorganized production that was running out of money, due to poor preparation. He credits Second Unit Director Peter MacDonald for bringing it all together. He also wrote that he greatly disliked Jean-Claude Van Damme and producer Moshe Diamant.

Jack McGee broke wind after each take. This drew the ire of Jean-Claude Van Damme, who wasn’t amused, but the rest of the cast and crew, especially Sir Roger Moore, found it hilarious.

Sir Roger Moore was promised “above the title” billing by the producers on the posters, and the movie, but was shocked to see his name was further down in the credits.

The book from which Christopher Dubois is supposedly reading, and closes before the credits roll, has two short paragraphs that seems to resemble the theme of the movie, and then transitions into an ad for luxury yachts. (HA)

Lord Edgar Dobbs (Sir Roger Moore) takes Christopher Dubois (Jean-Claude Van Damme) to Muay Thai Island and sells him. Moore was last on this island while filming the final scenes of The Man with the Golden Gun (1974). These are the Phi Phi Islands in Thailand.

This was the last movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme under his five-movie contract with Universal Pictures.

The French fighter’s martial art in the film is called Savate, and it has an Afro-Brazilian cousin Capoeira (as displayed in the film by the Brazilian fighter facing off against him). Savate has obscure origins, but it is believed to be influenced by Chinese martial arts combined with European and indigenous African fighting arts. One characteristic Savate shares with Capoeira is that the hand was used as a base to kick from. Savate began in southern France in the slums of the port city Marseille. The Greek actor/stuntman Takis Triggelis, who played the French fighter, has trained in Tae Kwon Do, Kickboxing and Muay Thai. Previously, Triggelis did a western film with French actor and fellow martial artist Olivier Gruner that was eponymous with his character’s martial art Savate (aka The Fighter).

Okinawa, while being part of Japan, has its own fighter due to being where karate originated.

Snake Eyes (2021) Preview

Patrick and Jamie stare in horror at the Tom & Jerry adaption created by Manfred Long. “My god Tom, I didn’t think you’d turn out to be a swamp monster,” K-la, Tom’s robotic love interest states woodenly, “Or so sexy,” she finishes and they both groan. They quietly sneak out of the theater flashing a quick thumbs up to Manfred who beams in pride. “Well at least we saved Rich and Poe and the world and all that,” Jamie says shrugging, “but Manfred really is a piece of shit hack. I mean… he’s still on that swamp monster stuff?” Patrick nods and Kyle joins them. “Man that was great,” Kyle raves, munching on some popcorn, “a swamp monster! Who could have guessed? And boy the bar mitzvah storyline had me on the edge of my seat. I can’t believe we left early before the reading from the Torah. I mean, do you think Ben was able to learn his Hebrew with all the swamp monster Tom and Jerry chaos?” Patrick rolls his eyes and beelines it to the subway. Back at their shared apartment Patrick and Jamie contemplate their lives. They stare at the safe they’ve had installed in the wall and wonder if they’ll ever find peace. With such great power comes great responsibility, Patrick thinks, having a wholly original thought. Suddenly the doorbell rings and Patrick and Jamie look at each other and then back at the safe. Kyle hurries past them. “That must be Rachel. We’re gonna watch Tom and Jerry. Manfred gave me a bootleg copy.” Before he opens the door, though, Patrick stops him. He touches the door and silently shakes his head. Through a series of hand motions he makes clear to Jamie that it’s not Rachel at all… it’s ninjas! That’s right! We’re watching Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins. Full of ninjas and definitely dumb, this film almost didn’t qualify for BMT and that would have been ludicrous. But it did and so here we are ready to watch some sweet sweet G.I. Joe action. Let’s go!

Snake Eyes (2021) – BMeTric: 48.3; Notability: 34

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 5.6%; Notability: top 2.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.1%; Higher BMeT: Space Jam: A New Legacy, Thunder Force, He’s All That, Cosmic Sin, Deadly Illusions, Music, Awake, The Kissing Booth 3, The Misfits, Spiral: From the Book of Saw, Tom & Jerry: The Movie, The Unholy, Things Heard & Seen, Outside the Wire; Higher Notability: Space Jam: A New Legacy, Tom & Jerry: The Movie, Music, Chaos Walking, Infinite, The Addams Family 2, The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Lower RT: After We Fell, Out of Death, Rogue Hostage, The Devil Below, Cosmic Sin, Separation, Music, Midnight in the Switchgrass, Breaking News in Yuba County, Axis Sally, Deadly Illusions, Infinite, Die in a Gunfight, Zone 414, The Virtuoso, The Misfits, The Starling, Sweet Girl, Every Breath You Take, Senior Moment, and 25 more; Notes: Not a particularly interesting graph, but dropped, and below 6.0 is good. The notability is incredibly low … maybe because they used a lot of stunt actors with masks / foreign actors? That is interesting for a large action film.

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – How is it possible that the American ninja/spy movie “Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins” is more dreary than goofy? Isn’t this an origin story for an action figure whose signature attributes are his cool extreme sports outfit (complete with black visored bike helmet), his lack of speech (he’s a mute), and his cool sword?

(Ooooooooh yeah, he is supposed to not say anything! Amazing that they just kind of toss that out for the film. Dreary sounds bad.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vd2sm63Xwfw/

(“The origin story we’ve all been waiting for” … have we? Have we been waiting for a Snake Eyes origin story? The film does look pretty dreary, but quality action.)

Directors – Robert Schwentke – ( Known For: RED; The Captain; Tattoo; Eierdiebe; Future BMT: Allegiant; Insurgent; The Time Traveler’s Wife; Flightplan; BMT: Snake Eyes; R.I.P.D.; Notes: German. He didn’t intend on working in Hollywood, but ended up moving when he had difficulty financing his third film in Germany.)

Writers – Evan Spiliotopoulos – ( Known For: Charlie’s Angels; Beauty and the Beast; Hercules; Pooh’s Heffalump Movie; Battle for Terra; Art Heist; The Blue Elephant; Future BMT: The Unholy; The Huntsman: Winter’s War; The Jungle Book 2; BMT: Snake Eyes; Notes: Seems to be an adaptation guru of some kind. He’s done sequels to beloved Disney properties, reboots of the same, adaptations of toy lines, etc. He appears to be who you call it when you need something extended and big budget.)

Joe Shrapnel and Anna Waterhouse – ( Known For: Rebecca; Seberg; The Aftermath; Race; Frankie & Alice; BMT: Snake Eyes; Notes: Shrapnel has two brothers, one who directs, and the other who acts (triple threat family! Give them a movie to all do together). They appear to be in charge of the GI Joe property at the moment as they are writing the sequel.)

Actors – Henry Golding – ( Known For: The Gentlemen; Last Christmas; Crazy Rich Asians; A Simple Favour; Monsoon; Gold Diggers; BMT: Snake Eyes; Notes: Half English and half Malaysian. Was a model before becoming a BBC television host, and now is an actual actor.)

Andrew Koji – ( Known For: Furious 6; BMT: Snake Eyes; Notes: English, although he trained as a stunt man in Japan prior to working on acting full time. Does a ton of television work, including starring in Warrior.)

Haruka Abe – ( Known For: Cruella; About Time; Late Shift; The Knife That Killed Me; Future BMT: 47 Ronin; BMT: Snake Eyes; Notes: Born in Japan, she split her childhood between Tokyo, New York City, and London. She is the speaking voice of Noodle from the virtual band Gorillaz.)

Budget/Gross – $88–110 million / Domestic: $28,264,325 (Worldwide: $36,964,325)

(Well … uh, pandemic I guess? I don’t think it would have made a ton of money in the end, but I don’t think it would have been quite so disastrous looking in normal times.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 36% (51/140): Far from silent and not particularly deadly, Snake Eyes serves as a step up for the G.I. Joe franchise, thanks in no small part to Henry Golding’s work in the title role.

(Hmmm, so people seem to generally think the cast did well which is interesting.)

Reviewer Highlight: And on the seventh day, God ended his work and rested. Because even for him, enduring this whole endlessly puerile blockbuster mishegas one more time was, if He was being honest, divinely exhausting. – David Fear, Rolling Stone

Poster – Tomax and Xamot: G.I. Joe Origins

(Fine, it’s a cool poster. So what? There are a lot of bad movies with cool posters. But really, nice font, nice subtle red theme, and artistic in how it conveys the idea of the film. A.)

Tagline(s) – A legendary warrior. His epic origin story. (C-)

(Meh, good poster but this tagline is a bit bland. I don’t like the word “epic” here either. Almost sounds like they are trying to make it real cool for the kids.)

Keyword(s) – ninja

Top 10: Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021), Snake Eyes (2021), Mortal Kombat (2021), Ready Player One (2018), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum (2019), Batman Begins (2005), Sin City (2005), Mulan (2020), Licence to Kill (1989)

Future BMT: 67.0 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 55.4 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994), 54.3 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995), 51.9 Curse of the Pink Panther (1983), 49.5 3 Ninja Kids (1992), 49.2 Trail of the Pink Panther (1982), 47.7 Dumb and Dumber To (2014), 46.5 The Pest (1997), 44.2 Beverly Hills Ninja (1997), 43.7 Surf Ninjas (1993)

BMT: Snake Eyes (2021), G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013), Mortal Kombat (1995), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Elektra (2005), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), RoboCop 3 (1993), The Medallion (2003), Around the World in 80 Days (2004), Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987), The Master of Disguise (2002), Highlander: Endgame (2000), Gymkata (1985)

Matches: Snake Eyes (2021), G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013), Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (1990), The VelociPastor (2018), Ninja Assassin (2009), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991), 3 Ninja Kids (1992), TMNT (2007), Surf Ninjas (1993), Beverly Hills Ninja (1997), The Lego Ninjago Movie (2017), L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach (1998), Ninja III: The Domination (1984), Ninja (2009), Enter the Ninja (1981), 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998), American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987), Shogun Assassin (1980), The Octagon (1980), Revenge of the Ninja (1983), Recess: School’s Out (2001), Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013), Miami Connection (1987), 3 Ninjas: Knuckle Up (1993), American Ninja 4: The Annihilation (1990), American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989), … (and a lot more)

(People love ninja films. Is it just me or are ninja films getting better reviews recently … I guess all films are getting better reviews though. I’m excited to smash out Beverly Hills Ninja at some point. That film is hilarious. Nothing will convince me otherwise.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 27) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Iko Uwais is No. 8 billed in Snake Eyes and No. 3 billed in Mile 22, which also stars Mark Wahlberg (No. 1 billed) who is in The Happening (No. 1 billed) which also stars John Leguizamo (No. 3 billed) who is in Righteous Kill (No. 4 billed) which also stars Al Pacino (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (8 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 4) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 27. If we were to watch The Lovely Bones, and Wicker Park we can get the HoE Number down to 26.

Notes – The movie is a reboot of the G.I. Joe property on film, and intended to be part of a shared universe of features based on Hasbro properties with G.I. Joe: Ever Vigilant, Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light, M.A.S.K.: Mobile Armored Strike Kommand, ROM: Spaceknight and Micronauts.

Andrew Koji hated the two G. I. Joe films in a interview saying “I thought about playing that character [Storm Shadow] because I didn’t like the first two films. I can say that. I’m allowed to not like a film. So, I was hesitant, at first, to even accept that. That’s a big studio film and my first role in a big studio film, so I was very hesitant because I didn’t have that trust in Hollywood to do that. What Warrior taught me and the voice that it gave me helped my work on Storm Shadow. I don’t wanna play a character with a six-pack. I wanted him to be human and flawed. He’s going through stuff. For me, when I saw the first G.I. Joe films, I was like, ‘I don’t wanna do that. That’s not the kind of thing I wanna do.'”

Asian-American writer Larry Hama, who was instrumental in developing the character of Snake Eyes, addressed the movie’s race-swapping issue with the casting of Asian actor Henry Golding: “Some people are saying that casting Golding ‘fixes’ the character of Snake-Eyes, but I disagree. I had wanted to keep him ambiguous until HASBRO introduced Storm Shadow as the only Asian character and made him a bad guy. I decided to ‘fix’ that by delving into his background and gradually turning him into a good guy. This is why Snake-Eyes is a white guy.”

Tommy’s grandmother Sen (Eri Ishida) is based on Obake Obaasan (“Demon Granny”), Storm Shadow’s aunt in the comics.

The first time Snake Eyes is depicted as a talking character. In the previous two films, he was a silent with no speaking roles.

The film originally replaced G.I. Joe: Ever Vigilant release date of March 27, 2020 but was later pushed back to October 16, 2020 which was the original release date for Micronauts but was postponed to October 22, 2021, due to the COVID-19 pandemic but it was later moved up to July 23, 2021.

Snake-Eyes is changed from a Caucasian character seen from the comics, animated series, and both of the live action films to a mixed race character due to actor Henry Golding who’s both English and Malaysian.

The electric motorcycles the characters are riding throughout the movie are heavily modified Energica Eva Ribelle.

Larry Hama gave his blessing to the movie, even the changes it makes to the source material.

Hard to Kill Preview

As Clutch parachutes into the VP’s residence he asks himself whether he has any chance of changing the man his brother has become? A booming voice tells him to stop. “My my my, Clutch. I never thought they’d dig you up for this job,” McGuire Guthrie says, applauding sarcastically. “Last time I heard you were drunk off your ass in Peru.” Clutch clenches his fists and sneers, “Last time I heard you were an asshole.” McGuire laughs, “Same old Clutch. Now where’s my gold?” Clutch shakes his head and McGuire frowns. “Pity,” he says and takes his signature samurai sword. Facing certain death Clutch reaches up his hand and catches a sword of his own, perfectly thrown from the shadows by Kat. A super sweet battle ensues ultimately ending with them both knocking the sword from the other’s hand. “Twin chop,” they shout and the blows land in unison. They fall into each other’s arms, mortally wounded. “I… I…” McGuire stammers, but Clutch shushes him. “I know,” and the power of their twin love heals their wounds and McGuire realizes the error of his ways. Clutch’s ex-wife hugs him and tells him she’s glad he found love with Kat. VP Jack Parrot shakes his hand and tells him he’s going to win the Nobel Prize for Heroism. But he brushes past all of them to lift McGuire from the ground and reach his hand out for a twin Predator high five. THE END.

Patrick closes his novel. It’s amazing, obviously. When he looks up that piece of shit hack Manfred Long is out of his quickening. “I knew I’d never win,” he says sadly, “but with the power of the Dongle I know I can kill you.” But Patrick shakes his head. “I think you’ll find I’m a little…” That’s right! We are going way back to 1990 to watch the first qualifying Steven Seagal film ever, Hard to Kill. It barely qualifies, so that would seem to indicate it’s actually not that bad, but I doubt it. Let’s go!

With a snap of his fingers Kyle fills the dance floor with bodacious babes and he and Jamie flee to the back room while the cyborgs are preoccupied. “What was all that about a cyber jack?” Kyle asks, but Jamie shakes his head. “Just a distraction, Kyle. Remember when we bought the club we had two rules.” Kyle nods, “Every night starts with the national anthem and…” suddenly his eyes light up. That’s right! We are pairing the first BMT qualifying Steven Seagal film with his first straight-to-video fare. The Patriot where he plays a *checks notes* doctor. Oh, come on! Let’s go!

Hard to Kill (1990) – BMeTric: 36.1; Notability: 35

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 7.2%; Notability: top 12.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 23.3%; Higher BMeT: Captain America, Look Who’s Talking Too, Rocky V, Ghost Dad, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Repossessed, Graveyard Shift, Soultaker, Problem Child, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Wings of the Apache, 3 Men and a Little Lady, The Bonfire of the Vanities, RoboCop 2, Loose Cannons, Navy Seals, Ernest Goes to Jail, Death Warrant; Higher Notability: RoboCop 2, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Predator 2, Days of Thunder, Jetsons: The Movie, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, Air America, Captain America, Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory, Marked for Death, 3 Men and a Little Lady, The Rookie, Stella, Rocky V, Revenge, Bird on a Wire, Another 48 Hrs., Ghost Dad, Mr. Destiny, Havana, and 11 more; Lower RT: Problem Child, Death Warrant, Graveyard Shift, Repossessed, Madhouse, Loose Cannons, Coupe de Ville, Funny About Love, Soultaker, Ghost Dad, Spaced Invaders, Wings of the Apache, Heart Condition, Meet the Applegates, Where the Heart Is, Ernest Goes to Jail, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Captain America, Opportunity Knocks, Air America, and 35 more; Notes: I’m a bit surprised at how high the rating is, I wouldn’t think that it would have necessarily followed the usual trend.

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars – Police detective Seagal uncovers a major political corruption ring and is shot and left for dead; when he awakens from a seven-year coma, he’s ripe for revenge. Full of the usual violence and shades for this genre, but Seagal is fun to watch. LeBrock, who nurses him back to health, was then the real-life Mrs. Seagal.

(This is also pretty high … wait … is this film good? I’m down to the usual violence from Seagal. I assume by “usual violence” they don’t mean an obese Seagal shooting people in the face with a high powered rifle. I assume he does actual Aikido in this one.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy54Q4rcJuk/

(The slow motion is excessive in this trailer. So apparently Seagal saying “take that to the bank” is only in the trailer because in the original Seagal kills the bad guy in the end … yeah that would have been a nuts ending.)

Directors – Bruce Malmuth – ( Known For: Nighthawks; The Man Who Wasn’t There; Where Are the Children?; Pentathlon; Foreplay; BMT: Hard to Kill; Notes: Started in commercials. Put on a play in Los Angeles that starred the yet-unknown Toby Maguire.)

Writers – Steven McKay – ( Known For: Midnight Sting; BMT: Hard to Kill; Notes: Bookended his career with The Magic of Christmas and its sequel nearly 30 years later.)

Actors – Steven Seagal – ( Known For: Under Siege; Machete; Executive Decision; Above the Law; Beyond the Law; Sniper: Special Ops; Code of Honor; General Commander; The Patriot; China Salesman; Attrition; The Onion Movie; The Foreigner; Mercenary: Absolution; Killing Salazar; Maximum Conviction; Contract to Kill; Gutshot; The Perfect Weapon; The Asian Connection; Future BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Out for Justice; Marked for Death; BMT: Hard to Kill; Exit Wounds; Fire Down Below; On Deadly Ground; Half Past Dead; The Glimmer Man; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director for On Deadly Ground in 1995; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1995 for On Deadly Ground; in 1998 for Fire Down Below; and in 2003 for Half Past Dead; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Executive Decision in 1997; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple, and Worst Original Song for Fire Down Below in 1998; Notes: Allegedly is starring in a sequel to his first film Above the Law over 30 years after the original … yeah, I’ll bet a dollar that doesn’t happen.)

Kelly LeBrock – ( Known For: Weird Science; Zerophilia; 10 Days in a Madhouse; Hard Bounty; Betrayal of the Dove; Gamers; Future BMT: The Woman in Red; Wrongfully Accused; BMT: Hard to Kill; Notes: Was married to Seagal at the time and ultimately had three children with him before they divorced in 1996.)

William Sadler – ( Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile; The Mist; Iron Man Three; Bill & Ted Face the Music; Die Hard 2; The Highwaymen; The Hot Spot; Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey; Kinsey; Rush; Freaked; The Duel; Being Flynn; Project X; Trespass; Freeheld; The Good Student; Ava’s Possessions; Freedom; Future BMT: The Unholy; Eagle Eye; Grudge; Machete Kills; August Rush; Disturbing Behavior; Man on a Ledge; Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight; Bordello of Blood; RocketMan; Hanky Panky; BMT: Hard to Kill; K-9; Solo; Notes: The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, and The Mist are all directed by Frank Darabont and all originally stories by Stephen King.)

Budget/Gross – $11.5 million / Domestic: $47,410,827 (Worldwide: $47,410,827)

(That’s pretty good. You see, this is why martial arts films were booming in the late-80s/early-90s, easy money.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 36% (5/14)

(The consensus is pretty positive: Undoubtedly one of Seagal’s best, and a decently entertaining actioner.)

Reviewer Highlight: With his ponytail and velvet voice, Steven Seagal makes an ironically gentle kamikaze gunslinger — he’s like a cross between Clint Eastwood and Mickey Rourke. For all that, his presence is paper thin. He’s part of a new breed of action hero: the nonstar star. These lightweight vigilantes — they include Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme — have zero charisma and sell millions of tickets. Why? It must be because they’re exactly as generic as their movies. – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – Hard to Sklog

(My god. If I asked someone to make a joke poster that hit every poster grading point on my rubric this very well might be it. It’s got a weird artistic sketch thing going. A nice overall red tone and black and white for the people. The font is legit. What is there not to like?! A.)

Tagline(s) – He’s L.A. Detective Mason Storm. Three hired assassins left him for dead. And he’s waited seven years to even the score. (D-)

(Well that’s something not to like. No way. Not into it. I started reading it and then stopped and just jumped straight down here to write this. I’m calling it right here: Steven Seagal wrote this tagline.)

Keyword(s) – coma

Top 10: Nobody (2021), Soul (2020), A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987), Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003), Suspiria (2018), Jack Reacher (2012), Insidious (2010), An American Werewolf in London (1981), Annihilation (2018), Batman & Robin (1997)

Future BMT: 76.8 Superhero Movie (2008), 56.0 Ghost Dad (1990), 54.2 Hanging Up (2000), 51.3 Kickin’ It Old Skool (2007), 43.6 Life of the Party (2018), 42.8 The Brothers Solomon (2007), 39.5 Jigsaw (2017), 37.2 Saw IV (2007), 35.0 Paparazzi (2004), 28.1 Dragonfly (2002)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Vanilla Sky (2001), Angel Has Fallen (2019), Countdown (2019), Death Wish (2018), The Choice (2016), The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990), Replicas (2018), Hard to Kill (1990), Monkeybone (2001), Swimfan (2002), Miss March (2009), Soul Survivors (2001)

Matches: Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003), Jack Reacher (2012), Insidious (2010), Fast & Furious 7 (2015), The Cell (2000), The Big Sick (2017), Fracture (2007), The Descendants (2011), While You Were Sleeping (1995), The Dead Zone (1983), Unknown (2011), If I Stay (2014), Dave (1993), Forever Young (1992), The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (2007), Columbus (2017), Reversal of Fortune (1990), Hard to Kill (1990), Amityville: The Awakening (2017), Monkeybone (2001), Sex and Death 101 (2007), The Brave One (2007), Miss March (2009), You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger (2010), Possession (2009), 18 Again! (1988), Bad Dreams (1988), The Brothers Solomon (2007), Catfight (2016), Pit Stop (2013), Paparazzi (2004), Kickin’ It Old Skool (2007), Timeless Love (2019), The Safety of Objects (2001), Until Death (2007), Lonesome Jim (2005), Touched (2005), BrainWaves (1982), Wonderful World (2009), The Dark Place (2014), Lying in Wait (2001), Black Eyed Dog (2014), Seven Hours to Judgment (1988), Forgiving the Franklins (2006), To the Other Shore (2020), Will and Testament (2012)

(Only one more from 1990, Ghost Dad (ooooooof). I can’t wait to watch through the Saw series, it is going to be awful.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Steven Seagal is No. 1 billed in Hard to Kill and No. 1 billed in Exit Wounds, which also stars Isaiah Washington (No. 3 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 5 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 1) + (3 + 5) + (2 + 3) = 15. If we were to watch Out for Justice we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Steven Seagal and Kelly LeBrock were married at that time.

Kelly Le Brock had pretty much retired from acting at the time and only did the movie as a favor for her husband.

Steven Seagal did not get along with Bruce Malmuth and considered him to be a very poor director. Chief among Seagal’s complaints included dissatisfaction with filming the action scenes and being excluded from the editing process.

Was filmed with the title “Seven Year Storm” and publicized in several trade magazines with that name. Warner Bros. decided to re title the finished pic “Hard to Kill” to make it sound more like a slam-bang action film.

Reportedly, an alternate ending was also filmed where Storm kills Trent and says “Take that to the bank”. Storm is shown saying this line in the theatrical trailer, which indicates that there indeed was an alternate ending where Trent dies.

The 17 February 1989 draft of the screenplay credits Steven Pressfield & Ronald Shusett & Steven Seagal as writers. Pressfield & Shusett are not credited in the final film and Seagal only received an acting credit. (YES I knew he had to have written this film! And it had to have been written by him and two friends because it is so Seagal-y)

Craig R. Baxley was offered to direct it by Steven Seagal. Baxley passed because he didn’t want to work with Seagal.

Based on several references to the Academy Awards being broadcast on the same night, the events in the first part of the film would’ve taken place on April 11, 1983.

Seagal’s pistol is a Colt Series 80 1911 with a commander hammer and Herrett skip checkered grips. Similar grips are seen in the movie poster but the gun is a Colt Series 80 Gold Cup.

Master Pistolsmith Terry Tussey built a number of custom 1911’s for Steven Seagal.

The inside of the mansion was also used in the Cohen Brothers comedy The Big Lebowski

Seagal’s gun handling and technique strongly suggest that he may have spent some time at Gunsite in Paulden, AZ. His use of the 1911, the press check, weaver stance, finger on trigger, are indicative of legacy training techniques at Gunsite, which was founded by Col. Jeff Cooper as the American Pistol Institute in 1976. When he began making his films in the late 80’s, there were only a mere handful of civilian firearms training centers in the U.S. and Gunsite is widely credited with being the first.

Half Past Dead Preview

Kyle sits nervously outside the house of his estranged son Niall. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” he says despondently when Patrick asks what came between them. Jamie smirks, as if anything could shock them at this point. “Well…,” Kyle begins, “there was this cursed Egyptian amulet of immense power. Niall stole it using his hacking skillz. Everyone wanted it and so they went after him. In the end he put it on and… the power… it felt good. I guess it drove him a little crazy. So like I said, a bit of a wild card.” Jamie and Patrick nod in understanding. Gathering up courage they boldly stride to the door and knock in unison. As the door opens techno music blares and Niall dances his way to the doorstep looking pretty dope in his hacker clothez and a funky fresh ancient Egyptian amulet hanging from his neck. He slides his wildly fashionable sunglasses down his nose, “Daddio? That you?” Kyle nods sheepishly and looks closely at Niall. “How are you? Still a little wild?” he asks hesitantly. Niall waves him off and explains that he learned that “with great power comes great responsibility.” (Jamie and Patrick write that wholly original phrase down). Niall then ushers them into the house where he introduces his beautiful baby boy. It’s all very touching and they are on the verge of tears. Kyle and Niall go in for a hug when a shot rings out only to be blocked by the immense power of the amulet. “My god they’ve found me!” Niall yells, “Quick take the child. I’ll juke Miles’ stats, just keep little Niles safe.” The three of them look frantically at the child as Niall flees. What are we just three men and a baby or something? That’s wrong! We obviously aren’t watching the hit comedy classic Three Men and a Baby, but if Niall doesn’t get out of there quick he is gonna be… Half Past Dead. Starring Steven Seagal in pretty much his last starring role in a theatrical release this film looks bonkers and it’s no wonder it got a big ol’ BOMB by Leonard. Let’s go!

Half Past Dead (2002) – BMeTric: 63.0; Notability: 36

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.0%; Notability: top 48.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 1.4% Higher BMeT: Crossroads, Rollerball, Halloween: Resurrection, The Master of Disguise, Pluto Nash, Feardotcom, Scooby-Doo, Boat Trip; Higher Notability: Men in Black II, Scooby-Doo, The Time Machine, Star Trek: Nemesis, The Master of Disguise, Dragonfly, John Q, Unconditional Love, Collateral Damage, Showtime, Queen of the Damned, I Spy, Rollerball, The Country Bears, Bad Company, The Truth About Charlie, The Sweetest Thing, The Tuxedo, Pluto Nash, Analyze That, and 21 more; Lower RT: The Master of Disguise, Deuces Wild, Feardotcom; Notes: Pretty incredible the rating is rising at all if I’m being honest. It should absolutely stick below 5.0 I would think. The notability is about where I would expect, maybe even a bit high. It is a theatrical action film with a ton of rappers and stuff, but they almost definitely skimped on the crew.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Seagal is an undercover FBI agent who arrives as an inmate in prison on the same day a team of crooks – get this – break into the joint, to get a condemned man to tell them where there’s a hidden stash of gold bars. To call this bad is an understatement … even by Seagal standards. Followed by a direct-to-video sequel.

(There is a reason I’m pretty sure this is the last theatrical release by Seagal. I don’t know why all of the martial artists all went away at the same time, I wonder if someone wrote a book on it. Market corrected by Jackie Chan? The realization you could get actual actors like Nic Cage to star in weird action films? I don’t know, seems weird though that nearly all martial artists became straight-to-video at the same time.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyNYoAd02Uo/

(My god the opening with Seagal spinning Ja Rule out of the car. Let’s see if they are going to give it away. Please give it away. Please. Oh shiiiiiiiit they didn’t do it! That’s impressive. Spoiler alert, but Seagal isn’t a convict, he’s an undercover agent. It isn’t hard to guess.)

Directors – Don Michael Paul – (Known For: Kindergarten Cop 2; The Scorpion King: Book of Souls; The Garden; Future BMT: Who’s Your Caddy?; BMT: Half Past Dead; Notes: He was an actor to some degree, even starring in a television series called The Hat Squad with Billy Warlock. He’s directed a ton of straight to video action sequels basically.)

Writers – Don Michael Paul (written by) – (Future BMT: Who’s Your Caddy?; Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man; BMT: Half Past Dead; Notes: He’s mostly been writing the straight to video stuff he’s directed over the last two decades. He sold his freshman script which became Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, although he was originally an actor.)

Actors – Morris Chestnut – (Known For: Boyz n the Hood; The Last Boy Scout; The Call; Girls Trip; Think Like a Man; G.I. Jane; Like Mike; Heist; Higher Learning; The Inkwell; The Best Man; Ladder 49; The Best Man Holiday; Confidence: After Dark; Scenes of the Crime; Two Can Play That Game; The Brothers; Future BMT: The Cave; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Identity Thief; When the Bough Breaks; The Perfect Holiday; The Perfect Guy; Breakin’ All the Rules; Kick-Ass 2; Not Easily Broken; BMT: Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid; Half Past Dead; The Game Plan; Notes: Won the 1998 Madden Bowl which was a video game tournament between celebrities and professional athletes. Mostly does television now, like the title role in Rosewood.)

Steven Seagal – (Known For: Under Siege; Machete; Executive Decision; Above the Law; Beyond the Law; China Salesman; General Commander; Sniper: Special Ops; About Time; Code of Honor; The Onion Movie; Attrition; Killing Salazar; End of a Gun; Contract to Kill; The Foreigner; The Asian Connection; Maximum Conviction; The Perfect Weapon; Ticker; Future BMT: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Hard to Kill; Marked for Death; Out for Justice; BMT: On Deadly Ground; Half Past Dead; Fire Down Below; The Glimmer Man; Exit Wounds; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director for On Deadly Ground in 1995; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1995 for On Deadly Ground; in 1998 for Fire Down Below; and in 2003 for Half Past Dead; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Executive Decision in 1997; and Nominee for Worst Original Song, and Worst Screen Couple for Fire Down Below in 1998; Notes: Famously a Bhuddist, he was even announced as a tulku (to some controversy) by his advisor. Has Serbian and Russian citizenship, both granted to him after visiting both countries.)

Ja Rule – (Known For: Assault on Precinct 13; Shall We Dance; Pauly Shore Is Dead; I’m in Love with a Church Girl; Goat; Back in the Day; Don’t Fade Away; Furnace; Future BMT: Scary Movie 3; The Cookout; Turn It Up; BMT: Half Past Dead; The Fast and the Furious; Notes: Born in Queens as Jeffrey Atkins. He apparently has a feud with 50 Cent and was born on Leap Day.)

Budget/Gross – $25 million / Domestic: $15,567,860 (Worldwide: $19,233,280)

(Yeah that is some Hollywood accounting. There is no way they spent $25 million on a Seagal film in the mid-2000s. He was basically toast at this point career wise.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 3% (3/88): Seagal is now too bulky to make a convincing action hero, and Half Past Dead is too silly and incoherent to deliver any visceral kicks.

(Oh snap, they actually call him fat in the Rotten Tomatoes consensus! That is coooooooold blooooooooded. Reviewer Highlight: It goes through the motions of an action thriller, but there is a deadness at its center, a feeling that no one connected with it loved what they were doing. – Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times)

Poster – Half Past Sklog

(I’m glad they put all those colors on there or I wouldn’t know how rad this is. Seriously, though, if I saw this poster in a theater today I might just live there until it came out. Look at that tiny little Alcatraz in the corner! Nice font, interesting spacing, and pretty horrid colors. Comes out a little bit of a wash but I’ll give it a C+ just for funsies.)

Tagline(s) – The Good. The Bad. And the Deadly. (C+)

(It’s a little generic, but it does hit a lot of the right beats. It’s short and is trying to be clever. Basically, it sounds like a tagline and does its job adequately. I was gonna give it higher than it deserved, but then I looked and found another film with the same tagline… and it looks pretty amazing.)

Keyword – prison

Top 10: Bill & Ted Face the Music (2020), Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw (2019), The Shawshank Redemption (1994), The Hitman’s Bodyguard (2017), Boogie Nights (1997), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), The Goonies (1985), Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), The Dark Knight (2008), The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

Future BMT: 88.2 Street Fighter (1994), 68.7 Supergirl (1984), 68.7 Gulliver’s Travels (2010), 66.2 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993), 64.6 102 Dalmatians (2000), 57.5 The Counsellor (2013), 56.0 Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994), 54.3 Get Rich or Die Tryin’ (2005), 54.3 Honey (2003), 51.9 Blackhat (2015);

BMT: Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge (2017), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013), Over the Top (1987), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), The Last Witch Hunter (2015), Super Mario Bros. (1993), Assassin’s Creed (2016), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Tango & Cash (1989), Pixels (2015), Gamer (2009), Battlefield Earth (2000), Need for Speed (2014), Rambo III (1988), Mechanic: Resurrection (2016), Gangster Squad (2013), Judge Dredd (1995), Pompeii (2014), Zoolander 2 (2016), American Outlaws (2001), 10,000 BC (2008), Hudson Hawk (1991), Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003), Lock Up (1989), Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory (1990), A Haunted House 2 (2014), Problem Child (1990), xXx²: The Next Level (2005), Twisted (2004), Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004), Mortdecai (2015), 3000 Miles to Graceland (2001), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), Another 48 Hrs. (1990), Old Dogs (2009), Cradle 2 the Grave (2003), Romeo Must Die (2000), Alex Cross (2012), Exit Wounds (2001)

(If I’m being honest, none of the future BMT films are very appealing. Street Fighter maybe, but I’ve seen the film a number of times. I guess Supergirl given it is apparently one of the worst films of all time, but I wish there were more terrible prison films you know? Just make one film set in future Alcatraz a year and I’d be pretty down to watch it.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Steven Seagal is No. 1 billed in Half Past Dead and No. 1 billed in Exit Wounds, which also stars Isaiah Washington (No. 3 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 5 billed), which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => 1 + 1 + 3 + 5 + 2 + 3 = 15. If we were to watch Out for Justice we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – In an article for the German publication Berliner Kurier, Wolfgang Lindner recalls the eccentricities of Steven Seagal on the set. Reportedly, Seagal traveled everywhere in the company of a Buddhist adviser whose verdicts on the state of Seagal’s karma would be reason enough for Seagal to halt filming for a day. (Sounds about right)

Some aerial shots in this film were originally shot, but ultimately unused, for Michael Bay’s film The Rock (1996). Bay is very good friends with director Don Michael Paul and allowed him to use the footage in this film.

The shot of the skydivers jumping out of the airplane is footage from Navy Seals (1990).

Although writer/director Don Michael Paul praises Steven Seagal in the “making-of featurette” on the DVD, he has since gone on to give interviews saying that Seagal was a disruptive force on the set and that he would constantly turn up late and delay production for no apparent reason.

All indoor prison scenes were shot in an old STASI prison in Berlin, Germany.

The script to this film was written ten years prior to filming as The Rock (1996) but there was another script with the same title that was filmed so this one had to wait ten years later to be done (I don’t think that’s why it took 10 more years …)

Although many industry publications stated that the film’s budget was in the mid $20 million range, the actual figure is closer to $15 million. (I knew it!)

Near the beginning while the PST news report is running, the scroll at the bottom is either ridiculous or reflects the politics of the writers/producers and also in one case contradicts itself. As follows: Middle East Crisis Escalates, Stock Prices Surge – Pessimism Ebbing, Economy Sluggish-Gross National Product Flatlining, 27 Foot Great White Shark caught off Barrier Reef, Polar Ice Caps Melt-Global Warming to Blame.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Steven Seagal, 2003)

Double Impact Preview

Jill McBrawn taps nervously at the table looking at Rich. He begins to try to explain but she interrupts, “it’s about the Dongle, right?” she stammers, “It’s all he was talking about all this last month. It’s like he’s been infected and the only cure is to his hand on that damn Dongle… I’m sorry” She takes a sip of water and looks away. Rich isn’t sure how far to press. He places a hand on her arm. She flinches and apologizes, “it’s just you shouldn’t be here. It’s all he talked about. ‘My father is the key,’ he would say. ‘He has the Dongle and I’ll get it from him.’” Her eyes are asking him whether it’s true, whether it’s possible, but Rich shakes his head in disbelief. As he does, his chest begins to glow, responding to the words being spoken. Just as has happened during the four trials of the gamemasters. The light gets brighter and so does Jill’s eyes. “You must give it to me, before he gets back!” she yells desperately, “you don’t understand how strong he is. The hatred, the power, he likes it. But I know him. I can keep it from him.” She puts out her hand and as she does Rich tentatively reaches towards his chest and pulls out the shard of the Dongle. Suddenly Jill jumps for it and grabs it and begins to cackle with glee and the world around them crumbles revealing the ceremonial chamber in which the Nic Cages have been toying with Rich’s mind. All an elaborate game in order to have him hand over the shard of his own volition. “You fool,” Travolta Nic Cage says, “with the Dongle and our power combined the world is doomed. Double impact, babbbby.” That’s right! We’re watching Double Impact starring JCVD for the Bring a Friend section. This is the earlier of the two JCVD twin films, so fortunately we haven’t yet exhausted our stock. Let’s go!

The dragons are quite smitten with their buddy cop beaus and have decided to keep them around Hell for eternity when suddenly Poe forgets momentarily to undo his ponytail while also wearing the glasses. “Wait… where’s Rich?” one of the dragons screeches in horror and both began to wail in heartbroken agony. I guess this is the end for Poe… except suddenly his twin protectors step. The twins are just as smitten with their new twin beaus and scoff at Poe and his equally substantial and well-oiled muscles. Stepping past them to the volcano’s edge, Poe hopes this is what he needs to do. He jumps, “I’m coommming Riiiiich.” That’s right! Since this is the Bring a Friend cycle we thought we better do something good for the Bring a Friend entry. So we took the Breen plunge and jumped full tilt into the latest Neil Breen joint called Twisted Pair. Breen plays a set of twins with special powers and that’s all you really need to know. It’s Neil Breen. If you don’t know him then look him up, he’s garnered some real bad movie cache in the last decade.. Let’s go!

Double Impact (1991) – BMeTric: 43.8; Notability: 33

(I’m really surprised by how low the rating is for this film on IMDb. This seems like exactly the type of film which would have an ironic inflation of its score over the past ten years. But it seems to be following a normal trajectory, and is still below 6.0.)

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – Inspired by the example of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is now the No. 1 movie star in the world, the entire martial arts genre is going upmarket as fast as it can. The established names in the field, including Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jeff Speakman, are appearing in slicker productions with better scripts and sexier locations, and there are times, watching these ambitious films, when I feel a twinge of nostalgia for the bargain-basement Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee pictures, which had fewer pretensions and projected a crazed intensity. … Because the martial arts genre has had so much success recently, its stars are condemned to play only leading men. Van Damme and Seagal are always at the center of their plots. That will hurt their careers in the long run, since martial arts movies are limited by their formulas, and the heroes are supplied with almost ritualistic plot patterns. Since Seagal seems to have more talent than any of his movies has been able to use, and Van Damme also has possibilities, it’s too bad the marketplace won’t let them play supporting roles in more ambitious movies. They would make splendid villains. And we wouldn’t believe it if they couldn’t hit anything.

(This is an extremely prescient review. He basically predicts the trajectory of JCVD and Seagal’s careers to a tee and diagnoses it (correctly) as their inability to break from the mold to become supporting actors or villains in film. To hear Speakman’s name being uttered in the same breath as Seagal and Van Damme is something else entirely. It actually makes little sense, but was probably Ebert just grasping at the other martial artist who made a film in 1991, because Speakman’s one and only wide release film was The Perfect Weapon in 1991 so it really is bizarre to pick him out as a guy who wouldn’t last in film … he wasn’t even a thing in 1991 and never became a thing afterwards. Wild.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rftm3yRSD_0/

(Wow the hard guitar riffing soundtrack. Double the “Van Damage”? This is somehow everything I want, and the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It is a little odd because it feels a lot like Knock Off which would come out seven years later. Like they had a bunch of leftover Hong Kong footage lying around and decided to make that one on a lark.)

Directors – Sheldon Lettich – (Future BMT: The Order; A.W.O.L.: Absent Without Leave; Only the Strong; BMT: Double Impact; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Rambo III in 1989; Notes: Directed a bunch of straight to video films starring Dolph Lendgren, but mostly Van Damme. Is slated to direct a few films in the upcoming year.)

Writers – Sheldon Lettich (screen story & screenplay) – (Known For: Bloodsport; Future BMT: Legionnaire; A.W.O.L.: Absent Without Leave; Russkies; Max; Only the Strong; BMT: Double Impact; Rambo III; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Rambo III in 1989; Notes: Was in the Marines for four years including fighting in Vietnam. Originally a photographer prior to writing scripts.)

Jean-Claude Van Damme (screen story & screenplay) – (Known For: Kickboxer: Retaliation; Future BMT: Kickboxer: Vengeance; The Order; Kickboxer 2: The Road Back; Legionnaire; The Quest; A.W.O.L.: Absent Without Leave; Kickboxer; BMT: Double Impact; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: Van Damme was the closest martial artists to get to that Sly Stallone stature, so he wrote a bunch of films in the 90s. He also directed, and used to edit a bunch of films really early in his career to punch up the action scenes. Impressive run.)

Steve Meerson and Peter Krikes (screen story) – (Known For: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home; Anna and the King; Back to the Beach; BMT: Double Impact; Notes: )

Actors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – (Known For: Bloodsport; Kung Fu Panda 3; The Expendables 2; Hard Target; Kung Fu Panda 2; Timecop; Sudden Death; Kickboxer: Retaliation; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Lukas; JCVD; Enemies Closer; Future BMT: Street Fighter; Derailed; Welcome to the Jungle; Kickboxer: Vengeance; The Order; Legionnaire; Maximum Risk; Inferno; Replicant; The Quest; Black Water; Missing in Action; Pound of Flesh; Nowhere to Run; A.W.O.L.: Absent Without Leave; Breakin’; Last Action Hero; Kickboxer; BMT: Universal Soldier: The Return; Double Team; Cyborg; Knock Off; Double Impact; Universal Soldier; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: We have a ton of JCVD films to do. Out of all of the martial arts stars from the 90s I think he ended up coming out looking okay. At least he isn’t a weirdo like Seagal or have tax problems. Just seems like he does a ton of straight-to-video garbage.)

Geoffrey Lewis – (Known For: The Devil’s Rejects; Maverick; Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil; Heaven’s Gate; High Plains Drifter; Night of the Comet; Thunderbolt and Lightfoot; The Way of the Gun; Point of No Return; 10 to Midnight; My Name Is Nobody; The Man Without a Face; Tom Horn; The Wind and the Lion; Down in the Valley; Dillinger; Bronco Billy; The Great Waldo Pepper; Wicked Little Things; Macon County Line; Future BMT: Blueberry; Pink Cadillac; The New Guy; Moving McAllister; Fletch Lives; Any Which Way You Can; Every Which Way but Loose; Lucky Lady; Only the Strong; Lust in the Dust; BMT: The Lawnmower Man; Double Impact; Tango & Cash; Notes: Received a Golden Globe nomination for a supporting role in the television series Flo (which I had never heard of). He has 10 children, at least 6 of which are in the industry including Juliette Lewis)

Alonna Shaw – (Known For: King of New York; BMT: Double Impact; Notes: Was a model prior to becoming an actress. Appears to have been retired for a while. She does not have a wikipedia which is insane … she starred in a major motion picture in 1991!!)

Budget/Gross – $15 million / Domestic: $30,102,717 (Worldwide: $30,102,717)

(Actually halfway decent. I’m not surprised it didn’t get a sequel though. I imagine it is a pain in the ass to do the whole double thing with the split screen. This is the type of film where you do it to get some media play, and then you never ever do it again.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 35% (7/20)

(Surprisingly good reviews, mostly saying that the action scenes are excellent and the film brisk. I think the good reviews tend to be more recent, whereas Ebert’s probably captured the spirit of the time a bit better: I wish it didn’t seem so pretentious and was more like older martial arts films. Reviewer Highlight: The notion of casting pretty-boy kickboxer Jean-Claude Van Damme — the Rob Lowe of the steroid set — in a double role sounded like fun. In fact, it doesn’t come to much. – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly)

Poster – Identichop

(I’ve always called it a Twin Chop, but Identichop seems appropriate for the poster. This looks like garbage which is appropriate for the film. I actually am not sure what would have happened if I saw this poster hanging in a movie theater… fainted probably. It’s mediocre/not good in almost every way. C-)

Tagline(s) – Feel The Impact (A+ but ironically)

Twin brothers torn apart by violence. On a mission of revenge. One packs a punch. One packs a piece. Together they deliver… (A+ but not ironically)

(The second one is now the tagline for BadMovieTwins.com. Can we be sued? I don’t care. Together me and Patrick deliver the goods so it’s simply truth in advertising. I don’t love “One packs a piece” let’s work on that. Ok. “One packs a punch. One packs a lunch.” nailed it. First try. In this scenario, of course, one of us is a skinny cop and the other a jolly fat cop.)

Keyword – twins

Top 10: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (2001), Doctor Sleep (2019), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), House of Wax (2005), Meet the Robinsons (2007), Cheaper by the Dozen (2003), Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008), The Great Outdoors (1988)

Future BMT: 92.7 Date Movie (2006), 58.2 Deck the Halls (2006), 57.9 House of Wax (2005), 54.9 The Back-up Plan (2010), 51.2 Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000), 36.2 A Cinderella Story (2004), 31.0 It Takes Two (1995), 13.4 Little Women (2018);

BMT: Cheaper by the Dozen (2003), Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005), Jack and Jill (2011), Double Impact (1991), Father Figures (2017), Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000), The Astronaut’s Wife (1999), Pluto Nash (2002), Mrs. Winterbourne (1996), The Identical (2014)

(There it is, ten films with the keyword “twins”. And we have another on the docket next week, so we’ll get to 11. And I’m sure if I continued to add the keyword where appropriate it will turn out we have done like … 20 of these. I should probably put together a definitive list at some point. Maybe include twin reviews on the website or something.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jean-Claude Van Damme is No. 1 billed in Double Impact and No. 1 billed in Double Team, which also stars Mickey Rourke (No. 3 billed) who is in Get Carter (2000) (No. 4 billed), which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed), which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 1 + 1 + 3 + 4 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 4 + 1 = 19. If we were to watch Maximum Risk we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Van Damme wanted to play twins to help change his image. “One of them is violent and the other is not, so the audience can see the contrast in my work,” he said. “This picture has comedy, romance, a love story. So it is not all action and fighting. When I fight on screen, I blend dancing and fighting. Grace plus power is very nice.” (Actually kind of true. The Bad Damme, Alex, hits a woman in the film and everything. It is pretty nuts)

Van Damme said his real life personality was closer to Chad than Alex. “In real life I am not this cold, quiet guy who goes around kicking butt.”

Due to a strong friendship formed between the two actors on the set of Bloodsport (1988), Jean-Claude Van Damme wanted no one but Bolo Yeung to play the lead villain in this movie. (Yeah, he’s great. A martial artist body builder? I guess there are a ton of people kind of like that these days, but he just has a very interesting body shape for the time)

In 2010, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bolo Yeung were giving a martial art demonstration and Van Damme said hopefully one day he and Yeung will put a project together “Double Impact 2” and maybe Yeung will play a friend and not any enemy. In a 2012 interview promoting The Expendables 2 (2012), Van Damme mentioned that he would like to make another Double Impact movie with a more serious tone. During the interview, he also gave a rough idea of the plot: “Two twins one is coming back from Asia to Los Angeles to help his brother who is a con-artist and pretending to be a big Hollywood producer and he’s in trouble with the mob”. A Double Impact 2 script has been written by Van Damme and Sheldon Lettich (who co-wrote Bloodsport and Double Impact). Van Damme said “Hopefully, somebody smart enough, like an agent or a producer, can put that back together…I’m excited about it, you know?” (Hoooooooly shiiiiiiiiit. I’m down)

Director Albert Pyun was briefly approached when the project was then called ‘The Corsican Brothers’ in the late 1980s. He said on his Facebook page in 2012: “The last time I’ve spoken with JCVD was on the roof of a building across the street from Cannon on Wilshire. JCVD wanted to talk in private and he told me the story he wanted to do for his next film called “Corsican Brother” which became Double Impact I believe. JCVD asked if I would want to direct it for him. The whole idea of TWO JCVDs seemed a bit far fetched and I did not commit either way but told him I had reservations about how the twins idea would work. I told him I thought he should keep moving in the direction of a pure action star and leave the gimmick movies behind. Haven’t seen or talked to him since directly.” (Jesus Christ, why would you call it that? Were there bits about the twins being able to “feel” each other in the original script? Also Pyun was wrong. The biggest issue for JCVD was always going to be his accent. Unlike Schwarzenegger he never had the acting chops or charm to overcome it. So what is the point in not doing gimmick films?)

Freely based on Alexandre Dumas’s novel “The Corsican Brothers”, as the original working title was. It was even set to take place in France and Corsica. (What the hell are they even talking about!?)

Cyborg Preview

As Poe peers into the blinding light of the puzzle box supernova he glimpses Rich fighting for his life against the robot gals. They are pulling him towards the Hell that resides within and as they do he’s becoming younger and younger. Poe stares into the eyes of 12-year-old Rich, who is now barely able to fend off their robot strength. Young Rich, that dope tween who so many years ago in the bayou professed his love for B*Witched. Who wore the shit out of a jean jacket and helped Jellyroll out of every jam. Who taught Ernie how to dance and was… was Poe’s best friend. His best friend, whose eyes now pleaded with him for help. Together they could defeat them, but Poe’s love prevented that. “Think!” Poe screams in agony. “Why must love hurt so much?!” he shouts, pounding his fists against the puzzle box. It closes slightly under the force and suddenly Poe knows what he must do. Love won’t let him destroy his lady (robot) loves, but perhaps… perhaps their love could be preserved. And with that he reaches out to Rich. The power within Rich reaches out in response and together they make the impossible possible. Rich is ripped out of the box and back into the ghost ship with the most ship. He looks away and Poe asks what he saw. “You… you were an old man,” Poe nods in understanding. He saw a Young Rich, while Rich saw Old Poe. Make sense. But Rich stops him and continues, “you weren’t just an old man. You were the old man… from the Six Flags commercial.” And they both shudder in horror, the spell only broken by a cough from the robot ladies. “You ready for a cyborg fight?” they ask. That’s right. We’re watching the JCVD classic (?) Cyborg. It’s set in a far apocalyptic future and presumably has cyborgs in it. That’s enough for us. Let’s go!

“You’re a cyborg, too,” the guard whispers in fear, his eyes darting wildly around the room. “Yes,” the two disfigured men say, “but this ain’t no nightmare. And soon the… twins,” one spits in disgust, “will know what we are capable of. Once we possess their… power.” And with that they enter the portal. That’s right! We’re watching Cyborg 2, the straight-to-video sequel to Cyborg that starred Angelina Jolie in her first film role. A whole two years before Hackers! Let’s go!

Cyborg (1989) – BMeTric: 57.8; Notability: 18

(I’m a bit surprised that a film produced by a studio which had basically already went bankrupt managed to get 18 well known people involved. The ratings they are arising, but it is still close to being in the fours which is very very low. Sweet 2011 inflection as well.)

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – I am not sure I remember the opening words of “Cyborg” exactly, but I believe they were, “After the plague, things really got bad.” I do remember laughing heartily at that point, about 30 seconds into the movie. Few genres amuse me more than post-apocalyptic fantasies about supermen fighting for survival. “Cyborg” is one of the funniest examples of this category, which crosses “Escape from New York” with “The Road Warrior” but cheats on the budget.

(Haha, yeah that sounds about right. It is a totally earnest knock-off of other better films while trying to make it all on a sub-$1 millon budget. Ebert shouldn’t have pulled the punch though, give it the full thumbs down.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BeaSdMxehg/

(Man I love Cannon. They made just insane films! “Take him out!” The cyborg-vision looks suspiciously like the interface in Universal Soldier. And oh shit, he’s doing the splits!!! I am amped for Cyborg!!!!)

Directors – Albert Pyun – (Known For: The Sword and the Sorcerer; Future BMT: Captain America; Kickboxer 2: The Road Back; Alien from L.A.; Adrenalin: Fear the Rush; Dangerously Close; BMT: Cyborg; Notes: Inducted into the B-movie Hall of Fame in 2011. He thrived in the 90s straight-to-video era. Released a Director’s Cut of this film in 2011.)

Writers – Albert Pyun (written by) (as Kitty Chalmers) – (Known For: The Sword and the Sorcerer; Future BMT: Alien from L.A.; Adrenalin: Fear the Rush; BMT: Cyborg; Notes: Apparently actually filmed a Cyborg sequel, but due to health issues it remains stuck in post-production.)

Actors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – (Known For: Bloodsport; Kung Fu Panda 3; The Expendables 2; Kung Fu Panda 2; Kickboxer: Retaliation; Kickboxer; Hard Target; Timecop; Kickboxer: Vengeance; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Sudden Death; Lukas; JCVD; Enemies Closer; Future BMT: Street Fighter; Derailed; Welcome to the Jungle; The Order; Legionnaire; Double Impact; Maximum Risk; Inferno; Replicant; The Quest; Black Water; Missing in Action; Pound of Flesh; Nowhere to Run; A.W.O.L.: Absent Without Leave; Breakin’; Last Action Hero; BMT: Universal Soldier: The Return; Double Team; Cyborg; Knock Off; Universal Soldier; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: Y’all know JCVD. He used to re-edit his early films to make the action scenes better, and this film is no exception. He apparently re-edited the film for two months prior to its release.)

Deborah Richter – (Known For: One on One; Promised Land; Future BMT: Square Dance; BMT: Cyborg; Notes: Was married to Charles Haid who was on Hill Street Blues (she played his wife in that show on occasion as well).)

Vincent Klyn – (Known For: Point Break; Future BMT: Kickboxer 2: The Road Back; In God’s Hands; BMT: Double Dragon; Cyborg; Notes: A professional surfer, he was at one point a top five surfer in the world. Pyun saw him at a tournament and then chose him as the antagonist of Cyborg based on his intimidating look.)

Budget/Gross – $500,000 / Domestic: $10,166,459 (Worldwide: $10,166,459)

(That is an incredible return! See, this is how Cannon made its dough back in the day. Well … Actually this was their last release before going bankrupt. They would come back for a bit in the early 90s, but they completely collapsed by 1994.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 20% (3/15)

(I get to make a consensus: Just another martial arts film, and just another post-apocalyptic film with a main character which requires no acting ability to play. Reviewer Highlight: Mr. Van Damme’s Gibson is so opaque that he makes Mel Gibson’s Mad Max seem weepy by comparison. – Stephen Holden, New York Times)

Poster – Sklogborg

(I was trying to make the hardest to pronounce fake film name and I think I succeeded. Half sklog, half robot, all rock-and-roll. Sklogborg. Oh right, the poster. Uh, that’s crazy. But also just crazy enough that if I saw that in a theater I’d probably be intrigued. C+)

Tagline(s) – He’s the First Hero of the 21st Century…And He’s Our Only Hope. (D)

(Those seem like two random sentences smashed together into a cyborg of a tagline. It’s simply terrible. But not so terrible that I’m embarrassed for it.)

Keyword – cyborg

Top 10: Avengers: Endgame (2019), Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2019), Avengers: Infinity War (2018), Terminator: Dark Fate (2019), Bloodshot (2020), Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), Deadpool 2 (2018), Alita: Battle Angel (2019), Mortal Engines (2018), Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw (2019)

Future BMT: 55.9 The Stepford Wives (2004), 50.1 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 46.6 Solo (1996), 30.0 Mortal Engines (2018), 29.2 Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983), 25.0 Teen Agent (1991), 23.4 Impostor (2001), 22.0 Terminator Genisys (2015), 19.4 Terminator Salvation (2009);

BMT: Bloodshot (2020), Sucker Punch (2011), Jupiter Ascending (2015), Masters of the Universe (1987), Universal Soldier (1992), Judge Dredd (1995), RoboCop 2 (1990), Jason X (2001), RoboCop 3 (1993), Cyborg (1989), Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

(The later uptick is clearly because of Marvel and DC films … but it does seem like cyborgs are having a moment doesn’t it? Ooooo I really want to watch Solo, it seems like an insane film.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 19) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jean-Claude Van Damme is No. 1 billed in Cyborg and No. 1 billed in Double Team, which also stars Mickey Rourke (No. 3 billed) who is in Get Carter (2000) (No. 4 billed), which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed), which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 1 + 1 + 3 + 4 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 4 + 1 = 19. If we were to watch Maximum Risk we can get the HoE Number down to 14.

Notes – Jean-Claude Van Damme accidentally wounded Jackson ‘Rock’ Pinckney’s eye during a swordfight scene, permanently blinding him in that eye. He took Van Damme to court, and eventually won a settlement.

This was the last official theatrical release for Cannon Films after going bankrupt in 1987. (Wow! That is fun)

Jean-Claude Van Damme re-edited the film, much as he did with Bloodsport (1988), to make the fight scenes more exciting and trim down the drama. Van Damme spent two months editing the film. He would do the same on Hard Target (1993) (WTF?!)

This film was conceived to use the costumes and sets built for a Masters of the Universe (1987) sequel and a live action ‘Spider-Man’ film. Albert Pyun planned to shoot both projects simultaneously. Cannon Films had to cancel deals with Mattel and Marvel because of their financial troubles, and they needed to recoup the money spent on both projects. Pyun created the film’s script, under the pseudonym of Kitty Chalmers, using two previous scripts, “Johnny Guitar” and “Alex Rain”. Some network television channels still give the film’s title as ‘Masters of the Universe 2: Cyborg,’ leading people to think it’s a sequel. (WHAT IS HAPPENING! That is a crazy story. I want to read both Johnny Guitar and Alex Rain!)

The MPAA originally gave the film an “X” rating. Numerous cuts got it rated “R”, including a good deal of blood in the village massacre and one character’s death scene. (What? The film isn’t even that violent)

The test screening was a disaster. Only one out of 100 people surveyed liked the film. Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus tried to convince Jean-Claude Van Damme to allow them to release the movie as it was. Instead, Van Damme convinced both producers to let him edit the film, as he had done with Bloodsport (1988), and asked them for 2 months. Cyborg was finally released 2 months later. (Jeez)

The budget, including Jean-Claude Van Damme’s salary, was $500,000. The studio had already spent $2 million on production design, costumes, and miscellaneous prep work on the aborted projects “Masters of the Universe 2” and “Spider-Man.” (Ah, so with the box office take of about $10 million it was probably not that far from a wash in the end)

Matthias Hues turned down a role in the film. Years later, he claims to regret the decision. (But why would he regret it?)

The chain mail and forearm guards worn by Fender were part of the costume for the character “Blade” in Masters of the Universe (1987). (Ahhhhhh right!)

After the success of Bloodsport (1988), Cannon films offered Jean-Claude Van Damme the lead in Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990), American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989), or this film. He chose the latter, and later admitted “I didn’t like the film so much.” (Neither of the other two were very good though.)

Albert Pyun originally envisioned the film as a heavy opera without dialogue, shot in granulated black and white. The producers rejected the idea. (How much cocaine was Pyun doing when he pitched that idea?)

Albert Pyun is currently developing a prequel to this film, which was originally titled “Cyborg: Rise of the Slingers”, before the title was changed to “Cyborg Nemesis”. The film which takes place before “Cyborg”, details the formation of the Slingers, after the plague brought about the fall of civilization and the Pirates begin terrorizing the survivors and the Slingers are organized to deal with them. (Yeah it isn’t happening because Pyun retired after being diagnosed with MS)

In 2011, Curnan Pictures got hold of the missing tapes of the original cut of the film through Tony Riparetti, Albert Pyun’s original choice for score artist. This director’s cut features Pyun’s editing and previously unreleased scenes. It is commercially available through the director himself. Pyun’s director’s cut was released in 2014 in Germany with the film’s original title, “Slinger”. (What? Wait …. What? I can watch the Director’s Cut of Cyborg?)

The original theatrical version does not explain what Slingers are. In the director’s cut, the opening crawl defines Slingers as hired warriors who safely escort people out of cities and protect them from pirates.

When the film was first released on VHS in Germany, so many violent scenes were cut out that it ran only around 58 minutes, not even reaching feature length.

The film is included on the film critic Roger Ebert’s “Most Hated” list.

The film is believed to be a remake of Fist of the North Star (1986).

Knock Off Preview

The men in Tiniman’s army expect nothing from Rich and Poe. Yeah, they may have toned biceps and abs for days, but they also seem like a couple of rascals who don’t care much for rules. At first it seems like they’re right. “This sucks!” yells Rich, while Poe looks sadly at his nutritionless grub they’re served in the mess. “How are we expected to keep ourselves lean, mean fighting machines without a balanced meal,” he sighs. But soon, they learn the meaning of their military family and come to trust and love their brothers in arms. They aren’t just passable soldiers, they are oddly competent. “Hey Roach,” Rich asks one day, “what are we training for anyway?” Their comrade Roach looks up from polishing his robot legs. “War,” he grunts and gets back a-polishing. He needs those babies gleaming. “War… who are we fighting?” Poe asks, curious now. “Alligator,” Roach grunts. Rich and Poe nod their heads but suddenly look at each other… Alligator. Rich and Poe get as many details as they can from Roach, one grunt at a time. Tiniman’s aim is to conquer the lands to the south. Where a tribe of men have come to live harmoniously with giant alligators. “Unconquerable,” Roach says winking, his legs now gleaming in the sunlight. “My God,” Rich says, “Alligator Steve… this is where he’s from.” Poe gulps, “and we’re going to destroy them.” While their newfound maturity bucks at the idea of betraying their comrades they also know they gotta get out of there… and fast. “What we need is…” Rich begins, but suddenly a shadow passes over them. “Deception,” Roach grunts. Startled, they look up in fear, but Roach is smiling. “Twins,” he says and Rich and Poe smile back. “Knock offs,” they agree. That’s right! We’re watching the JCVD-Rob Schneider buddy cop film about a Hong Kong… uh… fashion designer? Who also does karate or something? And Rob Schneider is a cop… what, what’s happening? Let’s go!

Knock Off (1998) – BMeTric: 55.3; Notability: 29

(The notability is higher that I would have expected for a film I never heard of, but not super high for a major release. I’m intrigued. The rating is riding, but sub-5.0 is pretty great with that 50+ BMeTric. This film has a lot going for it from a numbers perspective.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Van Damme teams up with American agents to combat terrorists. Having Van Damme play a Hong Kong clothing designer/importer in an action film pinned to a plot about designer jeans is peculiar but not interesting … which also describes the movie. Director Hark abandons his vivid fight choreography for standard swift intercutting instead. Samo Hung appears unbilled.

(Ha! I love that description. Leonard is just flabbergasted by the B-story which is actually the A-story. The character sounds like Tommy Wiseau in real life.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Txm_I4usB0/

(The trailer is fucking bonkers. Just cut after cut after cut with weird quips (“Goodbye yellow brick road”? It isn’t even that quoting Elton John is out of date, it is that it is just a weird turn of phrase). Explosions, Rob Schnieder saying random words, clearly a bunch of wire-fu which is going to annoy me. I literally cannot wait to watch this ludicrous film.)

Directors – Hark Tsui – (Known For: Detective Dee: Mystery of the Phantom Flame; Journey to the West: Demon Chapter; Once Upon a Time in China; Detective Dee: The Four Heavenly Kings; Seong lung wui; Flying Swords of Dragon Gate; Wong Fei Hung II: Nam yee tung chi keung; Zhi qu wei hu shan; Shu Shan – Xin Shu shan jian ke; Once Upon a Time in China III; Shun liu ni liu; Tit sam gok; Future BMT: Shu shan zheng zhuan; Qi jian; BMT: Double Team; Knock Off; Notes: He is considered a master in martial arts action, and one of the best Chinese directors ever. His production company is one of the biggest Hong Kong film companies in the business.)

Writers – Steven E. de Souza (written by) – (Known For: Die Hard; Commando; Die Hard 2; The Running Man; 48 Hrs.; Ricochet; The Return of Captain Invincible; Future BMT: Street Fighter; The Flintstones; Jumpin’ Jack Flash; Bad Dreams; BMT: Knock Off; Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life; Judge Dredd; Beverly Hills Cop III; Hudson Hawk; Another 48 Hrs.; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for Hudson Hawk in 1992; Notes: One of the last films he wrote that got a major release. He was only 51 at the time, so I assume he just kind of retired.)

Actors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – (Known For: Bloodsport; The Expendables 2; Kung Fu Panda 2; Kung Fu Panda 3; Kickboxer; Hard Target; Kickboxer: Retaliation; Timecop; Kickboxer: Vengeance; Lukas; Sudden Death; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; JCVD; Enemies Closer; Future BMT: Street Fighter; Derailed; Cyborg; Welcome to the Jungle; The Order; Legionnaire; Double Impact; Maximum Risk; Inferno; Replicant; The Quest; Missing in Action; Pound of Flesh; Black Water; Nowhere to Run; A.W.O.L.: Absent Without Leave; Breakin’; Last Action Hero; BMT: Universal Soldier: The Return; Double Team; Knock Off; Universal Soldier; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: Literally the last film he released prior to starting to mostly release non-theatrical films. Legionnaire would be his next film, and Universal Soldier: The Return was after that and was his last theatrical release for a decade.)

Rob Schneider – (Known For: 50 First Dates; Muppets from Space; Future BMT: The Animal; Norm of the North; Little Nicky; You Don’t Mess with the Zohan; InAPPropriate Comedy; The Hot Chick; Sandy Wexler; Eight Crazy Nights; Surf Ninjas; Mr. Deeds; The Adventures of Pinocchio; You May Not Kiss the Bride; Bedtime Stories; The Waterboy; Big Stan; Down Periscope; Click; Big Daddy; The Longest Yard; Necessary Roughness; Home Alone 2: Lost in New York; BMT: Little Man; Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo; The Ridiculous 6; The Beverly Hillbillies; Knock Off; The Benchwarmers; Judge Dredd; Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo; Grown Ups; I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Around the World in 80 Days; Demolition Man; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in 2006; Nominee for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Screen Couple for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in 2006; Nominee for Worst Actor in 2007 for Little Man, and The Benchwarmers; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 2000 for Big Daddy; in 2008 for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; and in 2011 for Grown Ups; and Nominee for Worst Actor of the Decade in 2010 for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Grandma’s Boy, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Little Man, Little Nicky, The Animal, The Benchwarmers, and The Hot Chick; Notes: This was kind of right in the middle of his starring career, after he had already teamed up with Stallone for Judge Dredd. He is apparently anti-vax, which caused him to be dropped as a spokesperson for State Farm in 2014.)

Lela Rochon – (Known For: Any Given Sunday; Boomerang; Brooklyn’s Finest; Waiting to Exhale; The Big Hit; Gang Related; Why Do Fools Fall in Love; Blood Done Sign My Name; Future BMT: The Meteor Man; Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo; Breakin’; Supremacy; BMT: Knock Off; First Daughter; The Chamber; Harlem Nights; Notes: Right at the top of her peak as a leading lady in film, right around Why Do Fools Fall in Love. She has a degree in broadcast journalism.)

Budget/Gross – $35 million / Domestic: $10,319,915 (Worldwide: $10,319,915)

(Oh wow. Now this can’t possibly be true right? Wouldn’t this, at the very least, get a release in Hong Kong? This came out right as Van Damme’s career was cratering though, so I imagine they only realized it was mostly unreleasable afterwards. Case in point: this came out after Legionnaire.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 8% (3/39): Muddled plot; stiff acting.

(Short and sweet! They seem to kind of agree that it is a little too jokey, but somehow very serious, and … honestly it does sound muddled now that I write it. Reviewer Highlight: Something of a kaleidoscopic mess of a movie, but it has its moments. – Bob Graham, San Francisco Chronicle)

Poster – Sklog Off

(That is nuts. I find it offensive. What were they even thinking? Case in point: why is “Van Damme” in giant block letters that nearly fade into the background. My eyes hurt. F. Patrick’s Shallow Fake: I think this was the most difficult font I’ve ever undertaken. I’m rather impressed with how okay the background looks behind the letters since I had to rebuild it all. Overall looks pretty good for what is, in fact, a pretty complicated poster.)

Tagline(s) – There is no substitute. (C+)

(It’s a pun… that’s the best you can say about it. Obviously playing on the fact that the story involves a bunch of knock off products and the fact that there is no substitute for Van Damme. But it’s stretching just a bit too far and doesn’t flow.)

Keyword – kickboxing

Top 10: The Mummy Returns (2001), American Assassin (2017), True Lies (1994), The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), Road House (1989), Tomb Raider (2018), Street Fighter (1994), Say Anything… (1989), Kiss the Girls (1997), The Forbidden Kingdom (2008)

Future BMT: 88.2 Street Fighter (1994), 63.0 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 61.9 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 57.6 Cyborg (1989), 43.7 Double Impact (1991), 42.9 Fighting (2009), 41.0 The Quest (1996), 37.3 Nowhere to Run (1993), 26.4 American Assassin (2017), 24.6 A.W.O.L.: Absent Without Leave (1990);

BMT: Road House (1989), Kiss the Girls (1997), Universal Soldier (1992), Double Team (1997), Cradle 2 the Grave (2003), Knock Off (1998)

(Wow, we really loved kickboxing in the 90s! There is something about it. I’ve been doing “research” into non-theatrical stars in my free time, and one of the major conclusions I’ve come to is there are different eras of straight-to-video films. And the 90s was definitely the apex of martial artists being recruited to put out their weirdo non-films.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Rob Schneider is No. 2 billed in Knock Off and No. 1 billed in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, which also stars William Forsythe (No. 2 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 5 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 2 + 1 + 2 + 5 + 3 + 1 = 14. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Hong Kong superstar and director Sammo Hung served as the film’s 2nd unit director. The release print of “Knock Off” suffers from the removal of a lot of the martial arts action shot for the film, with a couple of sequences being very heavily edited. The final battle between Jean-Claude Van Damme’s character and Australian actor/stuntman Michael Miller is less than half of the action shot for their fight, and upon careful viewing you can pick up the fact that the fight has raged across several different sections on the boat, while the fight between Jeff Wolfe’s character Scar and Jean-Claude’s is the most heavily edited with more of the action being shown in the “Making Of” featured on several of the DVD editions than in the finished film.

The film is one of the last in the world to feature Kai Tak Airport still in use; the airport closed in 1998.

The Glimmer Man Preview

In between make-out sessions, Poe and Det. Halloway hash out the plot to the totally lit YA banger for the gucci crowd The Platonic Solids Series Part II: Love on the Blocks. In this entry…

Jewel is thrown into heart wrenching despair when Kelton, her swamp monster lover, is forced by the job-deciders to play the deadly Cinder Olympics. The revolution is in tatters and realizing that little ol’ Jewel must live her unique life, Kelton convinces her that swamp monsters don’t know love and he actually wants to play. Blinded by her tragic despair she decides to conform and start working her assigned job. Later, Gregor checks in and he’s now totally ripped. Also he reveals that he’s a phantom of the opera, mortal enemy of the swamp monsters, and that Jewel is in great danger because Kelton won the Cinder Trophy. To punish him the job-deciders are going to kill her. Gregor offers to protect her with his muscles, but she knows she needs to share one final kiss with Kelton before her death. Running into the Cinder Lands she finds him and he realizes that the only way she’ll survive is to become a swamp monster. Jewel is torn because that would hurt Gregor, but also she wants some of that sweet swamp monster action. Kelton is torn because becoming a swamp monster involves him shooting a slimy spoor into her and that seems monstrous to him unless they were to get… *gasp*

Rich finds this all a little on the nose. He sadly walks down the corridors of the school. He’s despondent as it feels like he’s lost his best buddy. So different and yet so similar. As he turns a corner he sees just the faintest glimmer of someone sneaking around the next hallway… curious. That’s right! We are watching the Steven Seagal classic (masterpiece?) The Glimmer Man. May as well be called Buddy Cop: The Movie and that’s why we’re watching it. We’re also watching it as part of the chain going from Kiss the Girls through Brian Cox. We haven’t watched nearly enough Steven Seagal in BMT, so I’m excited. Let’s go!

The Glimmer Man (1996) – BMeTric: 45.2; Notability: 41

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TheGlimmerManIMDb_RV

(Seems about right. Too bad there isn’t just enough votes to bump it over 50 BMeTric. The notability is off the chain. I think I’m slowly learning that there are only a handful of 50+ notability films per year, and they usually are good. So even getting close to 50 for a film like this is astonishing.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Seagal and Wayans team up to track down a serial killer who is terrorizing the L.A. area. Tired buddy/cop picture, even by Seagal’s fairly low standards; he also coproduced.

(That is one svelte review. Very nice to see that basically this is Buddy Cop: The Movie. Since, you know … that’s why we are watching it.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGQ5Nq7r-Ho/

(That is some rough quality VHS rip. Jesus his beads, ponytail, and weirdo looking suits are off the chain. Looks truly awful. I’m excited.)

Directors – John Gray – (Known For: White Irish Drinkers; BMT: The Glimmer Man; Notes: Directed multiple episodes of Ghost Whisperer. Oddly, his wife wrote multiple episodes of Dog Whisperer.)

Writers – Kevin Brodbin (written by) – (Known For: Constantine; The Siege of Jadotville; Future BMT: Mindhunters; BMT: The Glimmer Man; Notes: He maybe wrote a pilot for a Mindhunters television show, but it is a bit unclear. The IMDb page lists zero episodes.)

Actors – Steven Seagal – (Known For: Under Siege; Machete; Above the Law; Executive Decision; Future BMT: The Patriot; Half Past Dead; The Foreigner; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory; Hard to Kill; Marked for Death; Contract to Kill; Out for Justice; China Salesman; BMT: On Deadly Ground; Fire Down Below; The Glimmer Man; Exit Wounds; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director for On Deadly Ground in 1995; Nominee for Worst Actor in 1995 for On Deadly Ground; in 1998 for Fire Down Below; and in 2003 for Half Past Dead; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Executive Decision in 1997; and Nominee for Worst Original Song, and Worst Screen Couple for Fire Down Below in 1998; Notes: A 7th-dan black belt in aikido, he is now a Russian citizen.)

Keenen Ivory Wayans – (Known For: Scary Movie; I’m Gonna Git You Sucka; Star 80; Hollywood Shuffle; Future BMT: Dance Flick; Most Wanted; A Low Down Dirty Shame; Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood; BMT: The Glimmer Man; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Little Man in 2007; and Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for White Chicks in 2005; Notes: Most notable for his groundbreaking comedy series In Living Color which gave Jim Carrey his start.)

Bob Gunton – (Known For: The Shawshank Redemption; Argo; The Lincoln Lawyer; Fracture; Patriot Games; The Perfect Storm; JFK; Glory; Born on the Fourth of July; The 33; Kill the Irishman; Trouble with the Curve; Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil; I Heart Huckabees; Get the Gringo; Broken Arrow; Dolores Claiborne; Rendition; Matewan; Future BMT: Boat Trip; Father Hood; Dead Silence; Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls; Jennifer 8; Unbroken: Path to Redemption; Cookie; Patch Adams; BMT: Bats; Runner Runner; The Glimmer Man; A Thousand Acres; Demolition Man; Notes: A major player in the late seasons of 24 moving up from Chief of State to Secretary of State under multiple fake administrations.)

Budget/Gross – $45 million / Domestic: $20,351,264 (Worldwide: $20,351,264)

(That is a disaster. It makes sense. If you look at the trajectory of Seagal films this is the last film released with the intention of actually making money. He slipped pretty quickly into straight-to-video releases almost immediately afterwards.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (3/26): A grimy, humorless glimpse of Steven Seagal’s direct-to-video future, Glimmer Man fails to shine.

(Cooooooooold Blooooooooooooded. That is one grimy, humorless view of Seagal’s obviously amazing career. Reviewer Highlight: John Gray’s The Glimmer Man is strictly for Steven Seagal fans (if there is such a species). – Quentin Curtis, Daily Telegraph (UK))

Poster – The Glimmer Sklog (C+)

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(This honestly looks like we made it ourselves. Really seems like the lowest possible level of effort was used in creating this. That being said… I like the blue. Patrick’s Shallow Fake: I managed to get the shadow on my face to look … fine. It looks fine. I won’t call it good, but for a fake shadow it looks fine. Screwed up the font a bit, but couldn’t be bothered to fix it in the end, there are only so many hours in the day after all.)

Tagline(s) – Two good cops. One bad situation. (B)

(I mean, obviously this is amazing. Mostly because it fits right in with the idea that this is just Buddy Cop: The Movie. This could apply to every buddy cop movie in history and I love it. Can I ironically give it an A? Fine, it gets a B for not being original enough.)

Keyword – buddy cop

TheGlimmerMan_buddy cop

Top 10: Bad Boys for Life (2020), Men in Black: International (2019), The Other Guys (2010), Men in Black (1997), Cop Out (2010), Bad Boys (1995), Hot Fuzz (2007), Stuber (2019), 21 Jump Street (2012), The Nice Guys (2016)

Future BMT: 63.3 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London (2004), 55.1 Knock Off (1998), 49.1 Showtime (2002), 46.7 Cop Out (2010), 46.7 Men in Black: International (2019), 46.6 The Happytime Murders (2018), 44.7 National Security (2003), 44.6 Metro (1997), 41.6 Boiling Point (1993), 40.7 Brick Mansions (2014);

BMT: Judge Dredd (1995), CHIPS (2017), Wild Wild West (1999), R.I.P.D. (2013), Tango & Cash (1989), Ride Along (2014), Beverly Hills Cop III (1994), Cradle 2 the Grave (2003), Ride Along 2 (2016), Another 48 Hrs. (1990), Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992), Show Dogs (2018), Hollywood Homicide (2003), The Glimmer Man (1996)

(Very interesting that it grew up to a point and then collapsed. Usually I would say this is due to VOD taking over these minor sub-genres. Here though I have a feeling it is just television in general that took over cop partner media. Think True Detective, Broadchurch, etc. There is a long history of this genre in television and I think it is only getting bigger on the small screen.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Steven Seagal is No. 1 billed in The Glimmer Man and No. 1 billed in Exit Wounds, which also stars Isaiah Washington (No. 3 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 5 billed), which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => 1 + 1 + 3 + 5 + 2 + 3 = 15. If we were to watch Out for Justice we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – According to Keenen Ivory Wayans, one time during production, after waiting for a long time for Steven Seagal to finally show up on the set, Seagal appeared with some script and said how it was the greatest script he ever read in his entire life. When Wayans asked him who wrote it, Seagal responded by saying; “I did.” (Sounds about right …)

Brian Cox replaced Tommy Lee Jones at very short notice.

After the film was completed, Warner Brothers conducted additional editing on the film to make it faster, and more like a regular Steven Seagal movie. Cut scenes included several comedic and dramatic exchanges between Campbell (Keenen Ivory Wayans) and Cole (Steven Seagal) and a great deal of Michelle Johnson’s scenes, as Cole’s wife, Jessica, were cut.

Originally envisioned as a much larger action picture, similar in scope to The Last Boy Scout (1991). Several action scenes were removed to cut down the budget. They included the bombing of a boat owned by Campbell (who lived on a houseboat instead of in an apartment), an encounter between Cole and a SWAT team that has raided his house and the final confrontation and gunfight at the Los Angeles museum. (The Last Boy Scout is great, watch that instead)

Steven Seagal championed Trevor Rabin as the composer of the film. Years earlier Rabin, an avid guitar enthusiast like Seagal, had coached and trained Seagal with his guitars.

In the original screenplay (114 pages), Cole was called Calhoun, Campbell was named Leary,and Donald Cunningham was called Abraham.

Easter egg: on the wall of the police station, there is a “wanted” poster for Erik Gauss, the character of Matthias Hues from Bounty Tracker (1993). (Someone is watching Boutry Tracker for You Just Got Schooled this week!)

According to Stephen Tobolowsky, Steven Seagal wanted to change the scene in which Cole (Seagal) kills Maynard (Tobolowsky). Due to his spiritual beliefs, Seagal did not want to kill villains in his movies anymore. Tobolowsky convinced him that Maynard would be able to be reincarnated and redeemed by being killed. Seagal agreed, and the scene was filmed as written. However, a few months later, Seagal wanted to change the scene, to show that Maynard survived the shooting. Tobolowsky was brought in to overdub lines to indicate that Maynard was still alive, but this was not used in the final cut.

Double Dragon Preview

“And that’s the story of how I cheated on my wife multiple times, destroyed my family, and continued to be a rich asshole. Now where to start concerning the mailman?” sighs Colonel Von Freed. Jamie looks grimly at Patrick. They endured his story of serial philandering for the last two hours and, considering the length of his sigh, the story of the fraudster mailman seems to be even longer. Suddenly a group of horses run by with grimy men clinging to their backs. Letters flutter about them as they watch them disappear in a cloud of dust. “Aha, the chase is afoot,” sighs the Colonel, “it’s helicopter time.” With that the Colonel snaps his fingers and a helicopter suddenly appears over the horizon. Gatling guns ablaze, the helicopter swoops towards the mailmen, who shields their eyes and scatter in every direction. One remains behind, the leader. “The choice is yours, mailman,” we say as we approach, “hand over the medallion or get another taste of our helicopter.” The mailman smiles. “Oh really, you’re gonna blow me away? I don’t think so,” he laughs, “that would be against the rules.” In shock Jamie and Patrick look at each other. What rules? Rulez=coolz and this could spell trouble. Another mailman returns and joins the first. Uncoiling the scarf from his face Jamie and Patrick gasp. Twins. They rip their sleeves off their shirts to reveal the secret tattoos of the twins engraved on their well-toned arms. “He isn’t lying, Colonel,” Jamie says. “This will not end peacefully. It’s the way of the Twins. They have challenged our twin prowess,” confirms Patrick. The mailmen scream in unison, “It’s a Double Dragon challenge, Bad Movie Twins! A fight for the medallion. A fight for destiny. A challenge that can only end with blood.” That’s right! We are watching Double Dragon, one of the many terrible video game films made in the *checks notes* ever… there has never been a good one. Apparently though the worst films of all time wiki page only has room for one video game film and that’s Alone in the Dark, which is no fun. At least this should be some fun to watch. Reading about it a bit apparently they changed the script so that Jimmy and Billy Lee weren’t twins but just brothers because the actors didn’t look enough alike. Bullshit. Just for that it should be on the worst of all time list. Let’s go!

Double Dragon (1994) – BMeTric: 66.9

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(Below 4.0 is incredible. And while climbing a bit (pretty much unavoidable when the rating is that low), for a film from the early-90s that is very impressive. Pretty close to that 75+ pantheon, although now it’ll never make it.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – In the junky, gang-dominated post-earthquake “New Angeles” of 2007, martial artist brothers Dacascos and Wolf battle evil billionaire Patrick for the possession of a two-part Chinese medallion that grants mystical powers. Sometimes lively but mostly silly and tedious; based on an arcade game.

(This review is mostly silly and tedious, so take that! But honestly, this feels like Maltin fell asleep in the middle of the review. Although, then again, there is a very nice semi-colon right near the end. Love it.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh9ioolJrd0

(My God the acting! AND LOOK WHO’S GOT IT! Whooooooaaaaaaaa! Man the 90s, what a time to be alive. Everything was so straight up raaaaaaad. Karate and hacking and like … video games. It is ridic. Too ridic to quit. I’m amped.)

Directors – James Yukich – (BMT: Double Dragon; Notes: He was a music video director for the most part, including directing videos for Bruno, Bruce Willis’ alter ego.)

Writers – Paul Dini (story) – (Known For: Batman Ninja; Batman: Mask of the Phantasm; Batman and Harley Quinn; BMT: Double Dragon; Notes: Invented Harley Quinn for his friend Arleen Sorkin.)

Neal Shusterman (story) – (BMT: Double Dragon; Notes: Quite an accomplished writer, including nine or ten different series. Also wrote a ton of How to Host a Murder games.)

Michael Davis (screenplay) – (Known For: Shoot ‘Em Up; 100 Girls; Monster Man; Future BMT: Eight Days a Week; BMT: Double Dragon; Notes: Wrote the entire Prehysteria series.)

Peter Gould (screenplay) – (BMT: Double Dragon; Notes: The co-creator of Better Call Saul.)

Actors – Robert Patrick – (Known For: Terminator 2: Judgment Day; Wayne’s World; Bridge to Terabithia; Walk the Line; Die Hard 2; Spy Kids; Safe House; Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle; Trouble with the Curve; The Faculty; Back Roads; Lovelace; Cop Land; Kill the Messenger; The Men Who Stare at Goats; Flags of our Fathers; We Are Marshall; The Road Within; Ladder 49; Rosewood; Future BMT: Balls of Fury; Eye See You; Supercross; Identity Thief; Fly Me to the Moon 3D; Hellions; Eloise; All the Pretty Horses; Last Action Hero; Alien Trespass; The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond; Fire in the Sky; Gangster Squad; Jayne Mansfield’s Car; BMT: Striptease; The Marine; Double Dragon; Strange Wilderness; Firewall; Texas Rangers; Endless Love; Notes: Replaced David Duchovny in The X-Files late in the series. Famous for his role as the T-1000 in Terminator 2.)

Mark Dacascos – (Known For: Brotherhood of the Wolf; Future BMT: The Island of Dr. Moreau; Code Name: The Cleaner; Showdown in Manila; Nomad: The Warrior; BMT: Double Dragon; Cradle 2 the Grave; Notes: A martial artist. Competed in the 9th season of Dancing with the Stars.)

Scott Wolf – (Known For: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; Go; White Squall; Future BMT: The Evening Star; All I Want for Christmas; BMT: Double Dragon; Notes: Most famous for his role on Party of Five. Had some success in television across the years. Has a mildly famous cousin Josh Wolf.)

Budget/Gross – $7.8 million / Domestic: $2,341,309

(Somehow a catastrophe despite basically costing nothing. Having watched the film you see all $8 million on screen, it is pretty impressive how far they stretch that.)

#116 for the Action – Martial Arts genre

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(Beat out the previous low gross by a BMT film by … Gymkata, wowza. This came in right when martial arts film was huge, but they were progressively making less and less money. At least according to Box Office Mojo this genre is basically non-existent at this point.)

#38 for the Video Game Adaptation genre

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(Somehow less than In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale as well! A film intentionally made to be a failure. Right at the beginning of this genre which has been trying to break through for several years now.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 8% (1/13): Double Dragon’s clever use of special effects cannot mask the film’s overly simplistic storyline and cheesy dialogue.

(A lot lower than I would expected to be honest, it felt like something you’d be like “ambitious, yet on a shoestring budget, and somehow not as bad as you would expect”. Reviewer Highlight: Even kids won’t get much of a kick out of this high-energy, low-IQ futuristic slugfest. – Brian Lowry, Variety)

Poster – Twin Time! (F… in a good way)

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(Well I know what Patrick is getting for Christmas. This is quite literally amazing. It’s taken everything I love in a poster and taken it to an extreme that makes it terrible. Love fonts? We got two of the craziest. Love bold colors? How about two jarringly bright ones? Want it to tell a story? This got shit everywhere.)

Tagline(s) – Power. Justice. Darkness. Light. (C)

Two halves of an ancient puzzle are the only hope. (D-)

(Should have just went for the first one which is fine enough. Not sure what it’s really saying, but they are words that make the film sound important. The second is nonsense and I’m not sure is even proper english.)

Keyword(s) – teenage girl; Top Ten by BMeTric: 89.7 Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997); 88.9 House of the Dead (2003); 87.5 Crossroads (I) (2002); 86.3 Troll 2 (1990); 85.9 Fantastic Four (2015); 85.7 Piranha 3DD (2012); 84.5 Movie 43 (2013); 82.4 Prom Night (I) (2008); 80.8 Halloween: Resurrection (2002); 79.6 Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009);

(We only have horror films left. Horror films will tend to have teenage girls I guess, so that makes sense. We swept the non-horror films real quick though.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Robert Patrick is No. 1 billed in Double Dragon and No. 7 billed in Firewall, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed), which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => 1 + 7 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 3 = 15. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – In the final battle, Linda Lash (Kristina Wagner) says to Marion (Alyssa Milano), “Now who’s the boss?” Later, Marion tells Lash, “You’re lucky, generally I put people in the hospital.” Alyssa Milano starred on the television series Who’s The Boss, and Wagner was a regular on General Hospital. (AWFUL. Just awful)

A video game featuring motion captured sprites like Mortal Kombat was concepted to co-inside with the movie, having the actors of the film and their stunt doubles provide the captured images. However it was deemed it could not be completed in the same amount of time as the movie, so was scrapped. After the movies release the film studio admitted it was a stroke of luck the game didn’t go ahead. The film would later have a Japan-only, tie in, fighting game of the same name, developed by Technos Japan under the license of SNK Playmore, ported to the Neo Geo MVS and the Neo-Geo CD in 1995 as well as the PlayStation in 1996. (Yeah that sounds like a terrible idea)

The boat chase was filmed on the Cuyahoga River in Northeast Ohio. It climaxes with an explosion which used 700 gallons of gasoline combined with 200 gallons of alcohol. Despite warnings the night before on several news channels, the explosion caused Cleveland residents to panic, leading to 210 phone calls to emergency services over ten minutes. (Wow, I wouldn’t have thought that was in Ohio, I just thought it was in a kind of isolated, industrial, run-down part of the LA coastline somewhere)

Dozens of arcade games appear in the Power Corps hideout. DOUBLE DRAGON is one of them. It’s visible when Jimmy (possessed by Kogo Shuko) tries to kick Billy but misses and shatters the game screen. (Yeah, it is terrible. It sucks)

In one scene, Kogo Shuko asks his henchmen (Huey and Lewis), “Huey, Lewis. Any news?” a reference to the band Huey Lewis and the News. (Yeah that also sucked)

According to editor Danny Retz the alley where the Lee brothers are about to face off with Abobo was shot in downtown Los Angeles. “It was used by junkies and other nefarious persons and had to be steam clean before shooting could be done.” said Danny.

The seal on Jimmy Lee’s “Retour” shirt was designed by the DECA teacher at Snohomish High School. The image in the middle of the seal is the original Snhomish High School building. (I actually did think that shirt was rad)

First-time director Jim Yukich summarized his approach to the film: “Our characters are like normal kids – three kids on an adventure, so we didn’t want to make something that kids would almost be too afraid to see. … I’d like to make it in a funnier, light-hearted vein.” (Basically the Batman & Robin approach. “You’re making a video game, it’s ridiculous, remember” was probably shouted)

The plot from the game is originally about two martial artists which is a blue-suited young man named Billy “Hammer” Lee and a red-suited twin brother Jimmy “Spike” Lee, as they fight their way into the turf of the Black Warriors gang (with Linda and Abobo as members) who assaulted and kidnapped their love interest Marian, the martial arts brothers won’t stop at nothing to rescue her. After going through skirmishes lead by Abobo and Jeff at a city slum, a factory, the woods and the gangs hideout; Billy and Jimmy reach the lair where the have a showdown with the gang’s machine gun wielding leader who is the Big Boss and they defeat him, also resulting in a conflict where Billy and Jimmy fight to the death over the determination of who will win the affections of Marian.

The characters from the game that appear in this film are: Billy Lee (1st player), Jimmy Lee (2nd player), Marian (Non-playable character), Linda (3rd enemy) and Abobo (1st boss).

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation Preview

In the Z-universe’s most notorious prison, the Robotoronic Jail 3000, two prisoners blow a hole in the prison wall and walk to their freedom while sirens wail. They begin the long walk across the Wasted Land towards Ecumenopolis.

“Keep digging,” whispers Patrick as Jamie attacks the wall with a sharpened spoon. After three weeks they both know it’s time to blow this joint and they’re doing it the old fashioned way. No kung fu hacking or super powers. This is just lean muscle, a spoon, and a stone wall. Well guess what? You done lost, wall. Jamie breaks through into a large air vent and Patrick turns to their friend Kyle who was the muscle to their brains in this terrible place. “Kyle, you’ve been a true friend showing us the ropes and helping us navigate the prison world. I’ll always remember when you took a shiv for me. It’s a memory I’ll cherish.” Kyle nods. “Come with us. Help us figure out our destiny.” Just as Kyle is about to join them in the vent a large gust of winds blows the entrance closed and blows Jamie and Patrick deeper into an underground tunnel. Patrick looks up to where Kyle had been waiting, but Jamie puts a hand on his should. “He’s gone. I’m sure we’ll meet him again. We have to move forward.” Patrick grudgingly nods and looks around at where they’ve landed. It’s a fork in the road. A path to the left and a path to the right. Jamie hesitates, “We must go left, Patrick. Something seems off about the right.” But Patrick is already heading that way, drawn by some force within. Jamie follows, trying to pull him back but a steady wind starts pushing them forward until they are tumbling head over heels. They land in a world unlike Earth. The clouds overhead are gray and move unnaturally fast. A hooded figure stands in front of them. “The wind,” whispers Patrick. “It’s been trying to get us here this whole time,” responds Jamie. The hooded figure speaks. “Welcome to my world, Bad Movie Twins. Are you ready to defend Earth in the tournament of champions?” That’s right! We’re watching Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation to finish the Franchise-zzzzz cycle. These are films we saw in our childhood (obviously), but never got the full BMT treatment. They also serve as the transition to our second cycle of the year: The (Not Quite) Worst Films Ever. These are films that were at one time posted on the wikipedia page for the List of Films Considered the Worst. All such films are listed in the “Talk” section for the page. For people who don’t know the “Talk” section of wikipedia pages are where you can get a glimpse into the minds of crazy people. Let’s go!

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) – BMeTric: 86.9

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(Sub-4.0 is incredible obviously. And that BMeTric. It it the 28th highest BMeTric for any wide release ever! That is pretty impressive. Got to tick those boxes. There are only seven above it we haven’t watched: Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Son of Mask, Vampires Suck, House of the Dead, Street Fighter, and BloodRayne.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB – Mind-numbing sequel rehashes battle between good and evil for the fate of mankind (yawn). OK visual effects but endless fight scenes and dreadful acting stop film dead in its tracks. Of interest only to American Gladiator fanatics and vidkids with really low attention spans. Remar’ morph from David Carradine-style kung fu sensei to turbo warrior is unintentionally hilarious.

(Vidkids? “Low” attention spans? Some real shade here. Not that the film doesn’t deserve it, I’m like 99% sure it is complete hot garbage, and I can’t wait.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InrQBpj__Vc/

(Redux edit eehhhhhhhh. Hey guys watch out for all of the ninjas. This film looks like complete and utter garbage. And wait, is that the Night Slasher from BMT Hall of Fame inductee Cobra! I think it is. As if I wasn’t amped already.)

Directors – John R. Leonetti – (Future BMT: Annabelle; Wish Upon; Wolves at the Door; BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Notes: Prominent cinematographer who has intermittently delved into feature directing. He is probably best known for his collaboration with James Wan on the Conjuring universe of films.)

Writers – Ed Boon (video games) – (BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Mortal Kombat; Notes: One of the creators and the game designer of the video game franchise. Also the voice of Scorpion.)

Lawrence Kasanoff (story) – (BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Notes: WTF. This is the Foodfight! guy. We have now completing his screenwriting filmography. But he thought making a new Pixar was easy, failed miserably, and made an extremely unpleasant animated film. Read the Alpha and Omega recap for more information.)

Joshua Wexler (story) – (BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Notes: Was 26 years old when we produced and got a story credit on this film! Also got a writing credit on Foodfight! Currently serves as the Chief Executive of Fun (CEF?) for Pure Imagination Studios (not joking))

John Tobias (story) – (BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Mortal Kombat; Notes: One of the two creators of the video game. Not sure why he got a “story” credit on this one and the other creator, Ed Boon, didn’t. He is credited with most of the character development for the first set of games.)

Brent V. Friedman (screenplay) – (Known For: Ticks; BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Notes: Another writer on Foodfight! He and Bryce Zabel created a show Dark Skies following the success of X-Files and he’s been mostly in TV since then.)

Bryce Zabel (screenplay) – (Known For: Atlantis: The Lost Empire; BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Notes: Was once a correspondent for CNN before moving to mostly television writing. He was the Chairman and CEO of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.)

Actors – Robin Shou – (Known For: Death Race; Future BMT: DOA: Dead or Alive; Beverly Hills Ninja; BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li; Mortal Kombat; Notes: Has a degree in Civil Engineering and actually worked for a couple years in the field before quitting and finding his way first into stunt work and then into acting.)

Talisa Soto – (Known For: Licence to Kill; Don Juan DeMarco; The Pope of Greenwich Village; The Mambo Kings; La Mission; Spike of Bensonhurst; Piñero; Future BMT: Spy Hard; The Sunchaser; BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever; Mortal Kombat; Notes: Married to one of our BMT faves Benjamin Bratt of Catwoman fame.)

James Remar – (Known For: Django Unchained; The Warriors; The Girl Next Door; X: First Class; Ratatouille; What Lies Beneath; RED; Pineapple Express; February; 48 Hrs.; The Phantom; Cruising; The Long Riders; Drugstore Cowboy; The Cotton Club; White Fang; Boys on the Side; Miracle on 34th Street; The Dream Team; Fear X; Future BMT: Psycho; The Unborn; USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage; The Quest; Blade: Trinity; Duplex; Persecuted; Fatal Instinct; Rent-a-Cop; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Renaissance Man; Tales from the Darkside: The Movie; Horns; Band of the Hand; BMT: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; Judge Dredd; 2 Fast 2 Furious; The Clan of the Cave Bear; Wild Bill; Notes: I know him from The Warriors and as Dexter’s dad on the television series Dexter and am shocked at how many BMT films we’ve seen him in. Interesting story is that he was originally cast as Hicks in Aliens but had to be replaced, but you can still see him in some scenes that were too expensive to reshoot.)

Budget/Gross – $30 million / Domestic: $35,927,406 (Worldwide: $51,376,861)

(And yeah, that is super duper terrible considering the performance of the original. A complete and utter rejection of this franchise just as it began.)

#33 for the Action – Martial Arts genre

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(Just a little below Universal Soldier there. A wonder Showtime didn’t pick it up for series after this (heyyoooooo). On the downswing of martial arts … literally right before Rush Hour and The Matrix blow it up again.)

#21 for the Video Game Adaptation genre

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(Just a little below Hitman which is somewhat surprising honestly. I would have imagined that at least some of the other halfway decent video game films would have done better than this. Then again … I did see this film in theaters, so literal morons did spent money on it.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 3% (1/40): With its shallow characters, low budget special effects, and mindless fight scenes, Mortal Kombat – Annihilation offers minimal plot development and manages to underachieve the low bar set by its predecessor.

(So close to being one of the worst every 0% films. It would have been top ten for sure. Reviewer Highlight: Never — at least not since the first Mortal Kombat — has tedium been so loud, so full of backward flips and flying fists to the kissers of centaurs from another realm. – Steven Rea, Philadelphia Inquirer)

Poster – Sklog Fight: Liquidation (C)

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(It is the exact same poster… weird. Still bad font, but short and sweet and with a little more pizzazz color-wise. It’s just slightly better than OK this time.)

Tagline(s) – Destroy all expectations. (Lol.)

(Holy shit. Is this a joke? This is a joke, right? I mean, yes. It certainly destroyed any and all expectations people had. Particularly any expectation of another sequel.)

Keyword(s) – warrior; Top Ten by BMeTric: 96.0 Meet the Spartans (2008); 94.8 Catwoman (2004); 94.7 Battlefield Earth (2000); 94.0 Dragonball: Evolution (2009); 90.3 Alone in the Dark (2005); 89.7 Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997); 89.1 The Last Airbender (2010); 87.9 Street Fighter (1994); 87.6 BloodRayne (2005); 86.9 Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997);

(Come out and play. To think. Ten of the top 30 or so worst films by BMeTric have the keyword “warrior”. Useless.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Robin Shou is No. 1 billed in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and No. 6 billed in Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li, which also stars Chris Klein (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => 1 + 6 + 2 + 2 = 11. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – A third Mortal Kombat film was going to be developed, called “Mortal Kombat: Devastation”. Christopher Lambert, Linden Ashby, Adoni Maropis, Robin Shou, Chris Casamassa, Keith Cooke, and Lynn ‘Red’ Williams were hired to be in the cast as Lord Rayden, Johnny Cage, Quan Chi, Liu Kang, Scorpion, Sub-Zero, and Jax, respectively. Talisa Soto and Sandra Hess were in talks to reprise their respective roles of Princess Kitana and Lt. Sonya Blade. However, plans for a third film fell through and the film rights went to Warner Bros., which is planning a Mortal Kombat reboot. (Wait … Lambert was going to come back? I don’t believe it)

Ray Park’s first film role was as Rayden’s fight double in this movie. (Darth Maul baby)

Michael Jai White was scheduled to play as Jax, but eventually he got the lead part in Spawn (1997) instead. He would eventually portray Jax in Mortal Kombat: Rebirth (2010) and Mortal Kombat (2011). (Amazing to think that you could say “taking that role in Spawn was a very good move”)

For years, a third Mortal Kombat movie was being developed by New Line Cinema to atone for the poor reception to “Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.” mink was hired to direct, and then Russell Mulcahy was hired to replace him. Sean Catherine Derek and Lawrence Kasanoff took turns writing the script, which would have had Johnny Cage resurrected to help the heroes against Quan Chi and a resurrected Shang Tsung. However, according to cast member Chris Casamassa, who would have reprised his role as Scorpion, production was halted when Hurricane Katrina destroyed most of the sets and the film ultimately never happened. (WHAT)

In the film, Jax fitted his arms with “muscle enhancers”; essentially a sort of exoskeleton that quadrupled his muscle capacity. However in the storyline for Mortal Kombat 3 (1995) (One of the shared premises for this film) Jax had his actual arms removed and fitted himself with the bionic arms.

Robin Shou (Liu Kang) and Talisa Soto (Kitana) are the only actors from the first film to reprise their roles. The other main characters are portrayed by different actors. The only other actor to return was Keith Cooke, but as a different character. In the first film, he was Reptile. Here, he portrays Sub-Zero.

Bridgette Wilson-Sampras was offered to reprise the role of Sonya Blade, but then turned it down for the role of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s sister in I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). (Oh yeah … slashers are always a good choice a think, if only for the miniscule chance of becoming a scream queen.)

Both Deron McBee (Motaro) and Lynn ‘Red’ Williams (Jax) are former American Gladiators (1989), and they have a fight scene in this film together. (People must have been going bananas at the time)

Chris Casamassa was to reprise his role as Scorpion, but he was committed to do stunt work in Batman & Robin (1997). (Somehow a movie with a higher BMeTric, what are the odds?)

Featured in Rob Hill’s The Bad Movie Bible. (Hmmm might need to check out, read, and hate this book at some point in the future.)