Tag: cycle: anniversary films

Bio-Dome Recap

Jamie

Bud and Doyle are a couple of idiotic slackers who in the process of getting tricked by their environmentalist GFs get trapped in the local Bio-Dome. Rules are rules and they have to stay in the dome for a year. Can they keep their sanity and their GFs while not totally destroying the environment before it’s too late? Find out in… Bio-Dome.

How?! Bud and Doyle are idiots who only care about partying and the ladies. Their girlfriends, Monique and Jen, are not idiots who care about the environment. So they are pissed when Bud and Doyle pull a juvenile prank to get out of Earth Day. To get back at them they trick Bud and Doyle into going to an imaginary party at a polluted lake. On the way back from the “party” they stop at what they think is a mall in order to urinate, only to end up trapped in the Bio-Dome, a year-long experiment in environmental renewal. The scientists in the dome are aghast, but refuse to risk the purity of their experiment and elect to keep Bud and Doyle as agents of chaos. And chaos they do sow. We are immediately treated to a plethora of music video montages of them destroying the environment, killing animals, and flirting with the two babelicious scientists (their words not mine… or maybe it is my words, the film made me stupider by the minute). Eventually they wreak so much havoc that they are sent into the desert where the kind a door to the outside. Once outside, they plan a giant Bio-Dome bash and soon the once pure experiment is teaming with rowdy partiers, much to the disappointment of Monique and Jen. This drives the main scientist, Faulkner, insane, but the rest of the scientists team up with Bud and Doyle to reverse course and save the day before the experiment ends. Montages galore show us just how Bud and Doyle endear themselves to the world as they steadily move the dome back to homeostasis. On the last day they reach 100%, but are shocked to find that Faulkner has stuck around preparing to blow up the dome when the clock strikes zero. Bud and Doyle track down and stop Faulkner, save the dome, and get some sweet smooches from their GFs. THE END.

Why?! Bold question. Things just kind of happen in this movie. I was shocked at how little set-up and how much coincidence goes into getting Bud and Doyle into the dome. Once there though they still have very little motivation other than trying to stave off boredom. It’s only an hour into a very short movie that they finally decide to save what they’ve already destroyed.

Who?! Bill Clinton’s half brother, Roger, shows up as a college professor at one point. Which is very much in line with the vibe of the film. More notably this film was the first on-screen appearance of Tenacious D, who are shown performing at a party. They got the gig through the director Jason Bloom, who attended UCLA with Jack Black.

What?! This has a pretty good fake product placement. The “Bladder Buster” is a giant soft drink, presumably from a 7-11 type store, which prompts Doyle to have to go to the bathroom and leads to them getting trapped. They then are told the company wants them to sponsor the product, Doyle dreams of the drink, and it’s one of the first things they order when they get out. Very involved fake product. As Patrick mentioned, Jif is one of the real products featured along with Pringles and other junk food.

Where?! Solid setting here, as Bud and Doyle (and their GFs) are students at Tucson Junior College. Arizona is all up in here. And makes some sense as an early 90’s closed ecological system experiment called Biosphere 2 took place in Oracle, Arizona, which is not far at all from Tucson. So likely this is the inspiration for the setting. B+.

When?! Secret Holiday Film Alert! This film starts and ends on Earth Day. And obviously this plays a major role in the very intricate plot of this very intricate film. If it wasn’t for Earth Day would Bud and Doyle have gotten in hot water with their GFs, got pranked by them, and then uh… had to go to the bathroom randomly… so maybe not technically vital to them getting trapped, but still an A. 

The film appears to be written by a child. Or at least the basic concept is. What a coincidence that Bud and Doyle have two hot girlfriends who love the environment, set up an environmental themed prank for the two dopes, and then afterwards choose the environmental themed Bio-Dome for their bathroom break at the very moment that they start the experiment. It’s ludicrous. I then can only assume that the script read “Bud and Doyle destroy Bio-Dome and then Bud and Doyle fix Bio-Dome,” as the rest of the film is 80% music video. The real interesting thing about it is the Pauly Shore-ness of the film and how much control he seemed to have. The whole film fits his personality to a tee and even Stephen Baldwin simply plays a clone of Shore. The opening credits, poster, weird music stuff… everything is Shore-centric. Or at least is going for the pastiche of Pauly Shore (probably the best way to describe the film as a whole). It’s what really differentiates it from his other films. Those feel like real movies starring Pauly Shore. This feels like a Pauly Shore movie. Crazy seeing as this was more or less the end of the line for him (just before his Fox sitcom really put his career in the ground). There is something weirdly magnetic about him, though. That MTV VJ charisma never to be replicated. Patrick?

Patrick

Hello everyone! We got morons! We got farts! We got a Bio-Dome! Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – Who needs a preview? I’ve seen this film a ton of times in my youth. The preview was interesting in one regard though, apparently Harlan Williams was signed on as one of the stars initially and then the studio was just like “nope, got Pauly Shore, it’s a Pauly Shore film now.” So definitely not written initially with him in mind. What were my expectations? Honestly, I expected to feel profoundly ashamed of myself that I had seen this film. I fully expected the worst gross out humor of the 90s.

The Good – It has an okay message obviously, surrounding environmentalism. It might just trivialize it, who’s to say, but the message is clear. Funny enough, at a time when gay panic in comedies was rampant, the film is amusingly progressive in that regard. Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin joke about making out and being bisexual multiple times during the film. I like some of the actors as well. Pauly Shore has a weird level of charisma, it is undeniable. Best Bit: Probably the message, even though it is pretty muddled, it is somehow even more relevant today.

The Bad – I mean, the soundtrack might be the worst thing I’ve ever heard. So 90s it heard my heart. The film is the dumbest movie I’ve ever seen. Short vignettes with punchlines which are, at best, about farting. Grating acting, a scene which involves the main characters committing sexual assault while cheating on their girlfriends, and a weird mixed message about corporate science (I think?). And the film has the worst title sequence in the history of the film. Do yourself a favor and watch it. Fatal Flaw: This might be the dumbest and most unfunny film ever created, a film whose sole purpose is to deliver Pauly Shore’s bizarre 90s charisma directly into children’s brains.

The BMT – This is a film that if I saw it now without ever having seen it as a kid I would be aghast. It is a perfect BMT comedy in a way. Sure it is unfunny garbage, but it is also weirdly entertaining in its schizophrenic 90s-ness. It is a film that actively makes you dumber and revels in it. Did it meet my expectations? It was way better than I thought. I figured there would be a ton of gay panic jokes and sexual assault, and there was only really one of those things and only once! That’s a huge plus for watching an old comedy. The film is, I think, mostly harmless for being one of the dumbest films you’ll ever watch.

Roast-radamus – There is definitely a moment of Product Placement (What?) for a prominent jar of Jif peanut butter in a scene that is exclusively about farting. And it is a very very good Setting as a Character (Where?) for Arizona which is all over this film, from news reports, to the names of all of the colleges the various characters go to. And a very rare Not-So-Secret Holiday Film (When?) because the film begins and ends on Earth Day! That is a very very special holiday film. Closest to BMT easily, although I’m not sure it’ll get huge play for the Baddies.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – I think it is high time for a Sequel to Bio-Dome. It’s been 25 years and Bud and Doyle are ecological celebrities. Open with photoshopped pictures of them at various ecological disasters (and farting). Then smash cut to their mansion where, surprise surprise, they haven’t been living the ecological dream life. Quite the contrary. While out getting some truly bodacious za their mansion falls into the ever encroaching ocean. “Doyle, we have to do something about Global Warming. It has finally affected the one thing we love … us.” And there is only one way to really affect change: Washington. That’s right, Bud is going to run for president with a hard hitting message of “man, Global Warming sucks, let’s, like, do something about it.” From there is a “hilarious” string of skits. Doyle freezing up in the vice-presidential debate. Bud farting during the Democratic primary debate. … Other debate-related hijinx. Bud signing boobs and babies at campaign events. Call backs like Bud and Doyle getting super high on nitrous during a national security briefing, and Doyle having to be vice-president after losing rock, paper, scissors. In the end they win, obviously, but Doyle has to foil the full-Unabomber psycho Faulkner before he assassinates Bud during the inauguration! Finish up with clips showing them farting in Congress and saving the world. Bio-Dome 2: Hail to the Weasel.

Patrick’s IMDb Trivia Section – I think this is a real one, and I can’t believe it isn’t on the Trivia section already … I might add it. He’s my entry for Bio-Dome. Trivia: Throughout the film it is shown that Bud consistently wins rock paper scissor competitions by throwing paper to Doyle’s rock. At the beginning of the film when winning one such competition Doyle must “assume the position” and get hit in the head with an encyclopedia (to get out of Earth Day). At the end of the film Doyle yells “assume the position” and throws a rock to hit Faulker on the head to save the Bio-Dome. Encyclopedia (paper) = Bud. Rock = Doyle. That fact is so fun.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Advertisement

Bio-Dome Quiz

Oh man, so get this? I accidentally got trapped in a Bio-Dome like a goober and threw a huge rager (like an idiot!), and now I’m really hung over and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Bio-Dome?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning Bud and Doyle try and get out of Earth Day by staging an accident. What do they say happened and what actually happened?

2) How do the two morons end up at the Bio-Dome and trapped inside?

3) What ecosystems are there in the Bio-Dome?

4) Why are Bud and Doyle exiled to the desert? How do they escape?

5)  How do Bud and Doyle stop the now eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil Dr. Noah Faulkner from blowing up the Bio-Dome?

Bonus Question: In the intertitle sequence what do we learn happens to Faulkner after he runs out into the desert?

Answers

Bio-Dome Preview

And just as suddenly as it started, they stopped falling. “Where…where are we?” stammers Jamie, disoriented from their final plunge. Patrick doesn’t know where they are either, and even worse, he doesn’t know why. To travel somewhere in time to deconvolute their lives? To destroy the Dongle at the source? To warn their past selves about the perils of stealing the Dongle in the first place? “Where’s not the question,” Patrick concludes after these scattered thoughts, “it’s why. So keep your head on a swivel and go with the flow.” With that Jamie and Patrick press a button and exit their tiny time travel dome and find themselves in… a much larger dome? “What thuuuuuu…” Jamie exclaims, “this must be the future! The world has devolved into a hellscape no longer able to support human life. My god,” he wails in anguish, “do you think this all happened because we had the Dongle stolen from us?” He grips Patrick shirt hard, pleading for him to tell him it isn’t so. “It isn’t so,” Patrick reassures him. There is something vaguely familiar about where they are. Something from their youth, something comforting. Within the dome they are surrounded by a dense jungle. Patrick points to a river and they begin to follow it. At a nearby hill he parts some shrubbery to get a better look at their location and notices a small placard on the ground. ‘Samanthius Kellibronicus,’ it reads, ‘The Lover’s Knot.’ With that, Patrick’s first impression is confirmed. They aren’t in the future. They actually aren’t very far in the past either. He points it out to Jamie. “Wait, is this…” Jamie starts and Patrick nods his head. “The gardens of the Donald C. Tillman Water Reclamation Plant,” Patrick finishes. No wonder it looked so familiar. That’s right! We are finishing 2021 and starting 2022 off hot with a classic from our youth. The theme for this cycle is Short & Sweet a.k.a. films under 90 minutes. Bio-Dome sure does fit the bill and was marking its 25 year anniversary in 2021 to boot. Let’s see how this one holds up. Let’s go!

Bio-Dome (1996) – BMeTric: 72.1; Notability: 42

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 1.6%; Notability: top 14.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 1.7%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Striptease; Higher Notability: Eraser, The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Daylight, Mulholland Falls, Eddie, The Associate, Up Close & Personal, Dear God, Sgt. Bilko, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Eye for an Eye, The Crow: City of Angels, The Adventures of Pinocchio, Space Truckers, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, The Glimmer Man, and 17 more; Lower RT: The Dentist, Big Bully, Ed, Ripe; Notes: You love to see the clean sweep on the BMeT for the year. We are pretty close to hitting up the top 10 for that year if I recall correctly. And 70+ BMeTric? Yes please, that is the highest in recent memory. I honestly find it a bit odd the rating for this one isn’t in the 3’s, that is where I would expect it.

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  Two lay-abouts from Tuscon are sealed up for a year inside a Biosphere-like experimental habitat and drive the scientists in charge bonkers. A good comedy premise is trashed through crude writing, inept plotting, and having as heroes two worthless jerks we’re supposed to find lovable.

(You better believe this is a BOMB. There was a 0% chance Maltin would like it. Fun fact, this film has a 1 on Metacritic … a 1!)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EWikCCfHJw/

(Wow the soundtrack … yeah as bad I remember it. This movie is a hilarious catastrophe. I can’t wait to watch it again.)

Directors – Jason Bloom – ( Known For: Viva Las Nowhere; BMT: Bio-Dome; Notes: In mostly a television director. He directed four episodes of Veronica Mars and nine episodes of iZombie.)

Writers – Adam Leff – ( Known For: Last Action Hero; PCU; BMT: Bio-Dome; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Last Action Hero in 1994; Notes: He has a story credit for some animated short based on Last Action Hero.)

Mitchell Peck – ( BMT: Bio-Dome; Notes: He produced the film Priest.)

Jason Blumenthal – ( BMT: Bio-Dome; Notes: A huge producer including the television show Dr. Death and the upcoming Masters of the Universe film.)

Kip Koenig – ( Known For: How to Make the Cruelest Month; BMT: Bio-Dome; Notes: Wrote three episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and as a producer was nominated for two Emmys for that show.)

Scott Marcano – ( Known For: Sanitarium; BMT: Bio-Dome; Notes: Became a pretty big documentary filmmaker it seems, writing 10 short documentaries in 2015. They seem to be focused on police reform.)

Actors – Pauly Shore – ( Known For: A Goofy Movie; How It Ends; Sandy Wexler; Guest House; Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge; Lost Angels; Opposite Day; Pauly Shore Is Dead; The Big Trip; Adopted; Future BMT: Encino Man; Son in Law; Class Act; The Wash; For Keeps?; 18 Again!; Jury Duty; BMT: Bio-Dome; Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star; In the Army Now; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor in 1996 for Jury Duty; and in 1997 for Big Bully, Bio-Dome, Carpool, and The Stupids; Winner for Worst New Star of the Decade in 2000 for Bio-Dome, Encino Man, and Jury Duty; Winner for Worst New Star for Encino Man in 1993; and Nominee for Worst Actor of the Century in 2000 for Bio-Dome, Encino Man, and Jury Duty; Notes: The Weasel! He was a big presence on MTV from 1990 and then a movie star from 1992 to 1997. He really didn’t appear in a major motion picture after that, it was a surprisingly short period of time that he was famous.)

Stephen Baldwin – ( Known For: The Usual Suspects; Born on the Fourth of July; Casualties of War; A Simple Twist of Fate; The Beast of War; The Sex Monster; Last Exit to Brooklyn; Magi; Sky Kids; I’m in Love with a Church Girl; Friends & Lovers; Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle; Bitter Harvest; Mercy; The Least of These: The Graham Staines Story; Six: The Mark Unleashed; Homeboy; Faith of Our Fathers; Back to the Jurassic; Fall Time; Future BMT: Fred Claus; The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas; Half Baked; Threesome; 8 Seconds; Posse; Fled; BMT: Bio-Dome; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas in 2001; Notes: Now maybe most famous as Justin Bieber’s father-in-law (lol). Asked his brother Alec whether he should do this movie and Alec told him it would likely end his career and he did it anyways.)

William Atherton – ( Known For: Die Hard; Die Hard 2; Ghostbusters; The Girl Next Door; The Last Samurai; Real Genius; The Pelican Brief; The Sugarland Express; Looking for Mr. Goodbar; Hoodlum; The Hindenburg; Clinical; The Day of the Locust; Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie; The Crow: Salvation; Into the Sun; The New Centurions; Class of ’44; Jinn; Frank & Jesse; Future BMT: Oscar; Mad City; BMT: Bio-Dome; No Mercy; Notes: Known for playing scoundrels, he was born on the exact same date as Arnold Schwarzenegger.)

Budget/Gross – $8.5 million / Domestic: $13,427,615 (Worldwide: $13,427,615)

(Whoops, terrible. You can’t really make money without making like $20 million with actual actors in a film, right?)

Rotten Tomatoes – 4% (1/25): Like its two obnoxious protagonists, this dreadfully unfunny Pauly Shore vehicle should remain separated from society.

(I honestly can’t believe it has any good reviews. I have to read this thing … boo, it isn’t really available. Remove it from the record Rotten Tomatoes, if you don’t you’re cowards.)

Reviewer Highlight: Brain-dead. Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin are slackers who drag their junk-food lives into the Bio-Dome, an experiment in ecologically correct living in Bio-Dome. On the scale of bottom-dwelling ne’er-do-wells, these two would have to rank somewhere between Beavis and microbial fungus. – Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly

Poster – Bio-Sklog

(It does feel like Pauly Shore either had some level of control in making the film, or the people making it at least attempted to understand the appeal of Shore’s stardome. There is no other explanation for this poster. It’s wild, but is trying to mimic the comedy stylings of Shore in a way that is at least interesting. Hate the colors, like the font, and everything else is insane. C-.)

Tagline(s) – Your dome away from home. (A+ for kookiness. D cause it’s literal nonsense.)

(Wooooahhhhh. Yeah! Hell yeah! This is going for it. So weird and I don’t get it, but yeah, give me more like this any day. It is terrible though… we all get that, right?)

Keyword(s) – environmentalism

Top 10: Avatar (2009), 21 Jump Street (2012), Holiday in the Wild (2019), Waterworld (1995), Point Break (2015), The Green Inferno (2013), Before Sunset (2004), The Pelican Brief (1993), Apostle (2018), First Reformed (2017)

Future BMT: 54.4 The Green Inferno (2013), 34.8 Hoot (2006), 31.1 Larger Than Life (1996), 11.3 Once Upon a Forest (1993)

BMT: Point Break (2015), Bio-Dome (1996), Fire Down Below (1997), Furry Vengeance (2010)

Matches: Bio-Dome (1996), The Ballad of Jack and Rose (2005), The Last Winter (2006)

(Is it just me or do they only release these films when Democratic presidents are in office … whatever. Hoot is a legendary film, I think it is one of the lowest grossing major releases ever. It made $8 million and was released to 3000 theaters.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 24) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Pauly Shore is No. 1 billed in Bio-Dome and No. 1 billed in In the Army Now, which also stars Art LaFleur (No. 7 billed) who is in Cobra (No. 6 billed) which also stars Sylvester Stallone (No. 1 billed) who is in The Expendables 3 (No. 1 billed) which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 1) + (7 + 6) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 24. If we were to watch Encino Man, and Extraordinary Measures we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Alec Baldwin told his brother, Stephen Baldwin, that doing this movie could end his acting career.

Kylie Minogue has called this film her “worst career move”. She said it’s the only thing she has done in her professional life that her father ridicules her for.

In real life, Jack Black and Kyle Gass perform together as the musical group Tenacious D.

The Biodome compound is the Donald C. Tillman Water Reclamation Plant in Van Nuys, California, which has been used in dozens of other movies and television shows.

The motto of the community college Jen and Monique attend is “nothing to be ashamed of.”

According to an interview on Last Call with Carson Daly: Episode dated 5 November 2008 (2008),Dana Gould and Harland Williams were the original stars of this film.” As Williams described it, “…They did an open-ended cattle call for Bio-Dome. And I guess Dana and myself were kind of like the emerging funny guys around town … they whittled it down, wildfingers, and it got down to me and the wildcat over here. . . We were locked in, and then me and Dana would go over to some diner on Larchmont, sit in the booth, and eat corned beef, and recite our lines.” Gould and Williams recall a deal memo for them to have the job, and the two were deep in planning for the roles. Williams bought fake bugs to practice for a bug eating scene and Gould simply dreamed of “What will it be like when we’ve done it – when we’ve made it!” Gould expanded on Williams’ testimony, saying, “It was a new director, I think his name was Steven Brill.” It is unclear from the interview if Gould remembered the name incorrectly or if plans for a director changed. “And he was like, ‘Yeah, I’m going to do this movie, and you guys are going to be it, you’re like unknowns, we’re going to break you and it’s going to be great!’ And then what apparently happened was that he went to the studio and said, ‘I’ve got these two unknowns…’ and they went, ”Naw, we have these guys to deals,’ and he went, ‘Okay!’ “

Roger Clinton: Professor Bloom, who presumably teaches at the film’s fictional college, Arizona Tech. He is wearing a shirt with the phrase “Thriving on Chaos” written on top of caricatured drawings of Bud and Doyle. After Jen autographs his shirt, he mentions to her and Monique that he’s writing a song about Bud and Doyle.

During the final sequence with the remote control and the exploding coconuts, the timers on the remote and the computer sync up with the time in the film.

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Pauly Shore, Tom Arnold, 1997)

After We Fell Recap

Jamie

After is back, Jack! And boy are these jokesters in love. Tessa and Hardin are totally into each other. But now Tessa is moving to Seattle and Hardin is super jelly all the time. Add to the mix some more of their tumultuous personal lives and things are pretty rough. Can they stay super steamy in love with each other before it’s too late? Find out in… After We Fell.

How?! Tessa and Hardin are sticking by each other even though Hardin is an alcoholic and they basically don’t talk to each other. They just f-f-f-f-french all night. Tessa is even keeping secret that she is transferring to Seattle in order to stay in school while taking the job at the Big Publishing House (BPH). When Hardin finds out he’s like “but I won’t have any friends,” and he’s right, he won’t. He thought they were heading off to London, but she’s like whatever, I’m going to Seattle. In the meanwhile her estranged alcoholic father comes and stays with them and strikes up a friendship with Hardin. Before moving to Seattle, Tessa and Hardin go to his Dad’s lake house and it’s real sexy until it’s not sexy at all and they get in a big ol’ fight, but everyone knows they are meant for each other. Tessa moves to Seattle and is a real saddo and Hardin finds a journal she left behind that explains to him just how much of a dick he was. Communication! He spends time bettering himself by making friends and getting into boxing and helping out her dad. Hardin comes and apologizes for all the pain he caused her, but for some reason he can’t get over a nightmare he had of Tessa cheating on him. They talk and have steamy sex and he like “you’re right, dreams aren’t real.” He decides to take her to his Mom’s wedding (which he didn’t even want to go to) and while there finds Tessa’s boss, Vance, totally f-f-f-f-frenching his mom (probably shouldn’t have went). After Hardin confronts his Mom, Vance decides the best course of action is to reveal that he’s actually Hardin’s daddio because that’ll probably help a bunch. Hardin and Tessa kiss because they only have each other and their love. THE END.

Why?! Love.

Who?! In what will likely be debated for centuries to come, there is a Jeff Bezos lookalike/cameo in this film that has all the bad movie twins abuzz. Patrick wondered how they got Bezos to even appear. I scoffed at the idea that that was Bezos and in fact just assumed they got a random bald man to get people to ask the question “wait, is that Jeff Bezos?” Point in my favor: why would Bezos be in this film? Point in Patrick’s favor: set in Seattle, so maybe? Wrong, filmed in Bulgaria. Conclusion: no way that was Jeff Bezos.

What?! Patrick was reminiscing about his sweet Sainsbury’s that he’s already mentioned. I will concur that it is fun when a product placement isn’t really seen, but is such a staple of a location that the mere mention is enough to transport the viewer from Bulgaria to London. Movie magic. Really the most prominent product placement is for safe sex. Good on Tessa and Hardin practicing it in a variety of ways throughout the film: condom, morning after pill, birth control. 

Where?! Much like all romantic films of this era, this film takes place in Washington state. It’s basically the triad of modern romance: Bad Boys, Publishing, and Washington State. Not totally sure how publishing even got in there since this all seems to stem from Twilight where Bella wanted to be a [checks notes] wife of a vampire when she grew up… or I guess never grew up or whatever. Got a dash of London in there. Pretty good. B+.

When?! It appears to take place mostly in the Spring because Hardin eventually attempts to transfer to be closer to Tessa but is told he can’t do it because he is too close to graduating. This is more certain with the context of the previous entry in the series, which took place around Xmas and the New Years, so it would seem Tessa’s transfer does occur after holiday break and most of the events of this film is in that second semester. C

I love franchises! It’s kinda my thing now. I’m the franchise guy who loves franchises. I want Tom Cruise to come back and make another Mummy (have I mentioned that before?). And so when we saw that the After franchise keeps on keeping on I was thrilled. The first one was kinda dumb, but any high school or college rom com/dram has a kernel of fun. The shared experience of youth, etc. etc. And then the second one was surprisingly good. Like all about Hardin being tragic and an alcoholic and everyone (rightfully) telling Tessa that it probably won’t work out and she’s going to be hurt and yet they try to make it work like so many people do. It felt real. After We Fell reverted so fast to the immaturity of the first one that it went all the way past it and became an actually bad movie. Hardin and Tessa don’t communicate and instead have what is best described as fake steamy sex in a series of places that no one actually has sex. A boxing gym, a hot tub, and even using ice cubes as an accoutrement. It was all so cartoonish. He’s getting super jelly all the time in over the top ways, while she gets offended when Hardin rightfully says that it’s going to be hard for him to move to Seattle where he doesn’t know anyone and would only have her and be sad. And instead of working that out he’s eventually like “You’re right, I should move to Seattle and you’ll be my entire life.” Gah! It’s a frustrating film and I don’t really see how the fourth isn’t going to be just as frustrating… oh you didn’t know there is going to be a fourth? There is. And apparently a fifth and a prequel. Nevermind! I’m back in! Franchises! As for Woman in the Window, I’ll keep it brief. I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as it was made out to be. Sure it’s tedious and the plot is well worn territory, but the same kind of goes for the book. I enjoyed the book, but it didn’t blow my socks off and I’m not surprised a straight adaptation didn’t surpass it in quality. The movie did have some interesting directorial choices and some good acting, even in the extreme. I guess Patrick is the better judge since he didn’t read the book. I think that may have colored the reviews in some ways. Patrick?

Patrick

Hello everyone! We got drama! We got bad boys! We got bad boys punching four or five people in the face and being like “I’m so broken, fix me”! Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – You better believe this qualifies … barely. It basically didn’t. It was, in reality, released to a few hundred theaters a few months ago. But for one day only it was expanded to 1200 theaters. This is probably some contractual arrangement, but that’s all you need. You just need a maximum of 600+ theaters and more than five reviews on Rotten Tomatoes with <40% average. So here we go again. What were my expectations? Uh … bad sex scenes, bad boys punching people, and me remembering why romdrams aimed squarely for that Wattpad fanfic audience are excellently weird bad movies.

The Good – I can’t really explain it, but I really like the main actress in these films. There is just something about her in that why-isn’t-this-a-CW-show kind of way. And I’m going to be honest, that is the only actually good thing about the films. I enjoy Hardin punching multiple people, which is absurd, but it is in no way a good thing, just highly amusing. Best Bit: Langford and it isn’t even close really.

The Bad – This might be the one that jumps the shark for the series. Nothing happens in this film. They don’t really trust each other, but that was already established. The new bit is that she kind of moves to Seattle. They are both still fabulously wealthy (or inexplicably know multiple people who are fabulously wealthy). And I have to say it, this has two of the grossest sex scenes I’ve ever seen put to film. Having sex in your family’s hot tub? Gross. Having sex (as a house guest) in the home gym? Double gross. Just disgusting. Fatal Flaw: Not only are the sex scenes boring, they are also, routinely, disgusting.

The BMT – Why can’t I quit you weird romdrams? They are my shame. I have to watch all of these now. Wattpad is my new favourite production company. But … this isn’t a very good BMT film. This ain’t no Fifty Shades. This wishes it was that. This isn’t even After. I expect better. So next time, when I definitely watch the sequel next year, I expect more After. I’ll be waiting. Did it meet my expectations? Yeah, I got multiple punches by a bonafide bad boy. That is enough to sustain me, but I expect more next time from you After. Bring me that drama.

Roast-radamus – Right at the last second a great Product Placement (What?) for Sainsbury’s while they are in London. And a decent Setting as a Character (Where?) for Seattle I think, complete with either Jeff Bezos or a Jeff Bezos lookalike at a party for Vance Publishing, they must be a big deal. This is tough … like do I love this film? Do I hate it? It feels like it is a Bad film because it is, in reality, boring with far too little drama to make up for the thinnest of all possible plots.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – This is tough since there is already a sequel and prequel in the works … I think our only option is a BMT Crossover Episode. And this is going to be a special one. I think we need to assemble the bad boy Avengers. Landon Carter from A Walk to Remember, David Elliot from Endless Love, and Kelley Morse from Here on Earth show up just as Tessa and Hardin land from England. “Hardin, I think we’re going to need your help.” They are part of an elite teen romance punching crew, and you know they are bad boys with hearts of gold. They need to infiltrate a fraternity at the University of Washington, and they need Hardin’s experience with both fraternities and punching. He broods a bunch and secretly reads poetry but also drinks a bunch and the frat bros are like “this guy is deep, we need him in the frat.” And he’s in! In the end they find out the frat is a front for a secret society, and what are they hiding in the basement? None other than Luke McNamara, the Nick Fury of H.O.G. (Hearts of Gold). After springing him he calls on The Skulls to destroy the frat, and slips Hardin a note. “I’m going to call on you again Hardin … you have one of the most powerful hearts of gold I’ve ever seen.” Bad Boys Assemble: Hearts of Gold.

Patrick’s IMDb Trivia Section – A new section for those weeks where I haven’t schooled myself in anything! If you’ve ever read IMDb’s trivia section you’ll know that it can get a little weird. He’s my entry for After We Fell. Trivia: When in London Hardin’s mother suggests he go to Sainsbury’s to get something to eat. Sainsbury’s is one of the most popular grocery stores in the United Kingdom with over 1400 locations in all four countries. Other possible places for Hardin to go would be Tesco, which has over 4000 locations, M&S and Whole Foods (given that they are in London). Hardin doesn’t want to cook, so Iceland would be a poor choice as they specialize in frozen foods. God, I love it. I love it so much I’m going to throw in a bonus Goof: When talking with Vance in the hotel bar at the end of the film Vance can clearly be seen drinking a regular US pint of beer. In England you would either have a larger (~568ml) imperial pint, or a smaller half pint. Took me right out of the film.

Bring a Friend Analysis – For the friend this week we watched Woman in the Window. This was a two sided coin for me. On the one hand, I found the film very difficult to get through. It just felt very long and it all felt like very well-worn territory from much better films. On the other hand, as a person who watched Ice Road on a whim, I do like cheesy thrillers. And by the time they do finally get to the big reveal near the end I was pretty interested in seeing the conclusion to the story. One major issue though … I knew what was going to happen literally five minutes into the film. The instant the kid showed up I was like “he’s the killer and her family is dead.” He hadn’t even killed anyone yet! Well, I guess he had in Boston, but I didn’t know that. So I would say it is a decent enough thriller, beautifully shot, with great set design, and some great performances. If you don’t mind it being extremely rote and easy to predict if you’ve seen any thrillers in your life, then I think it is worth a watch B-.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

After We Fell Quiz

Oh man, so here’s the thing. I was in a basic vanilla relationship with this bad boy, and he was so totally bad (but secretly good, you know?). Then he accidentally bopped me on the head during a bar fight (so sexy) and now I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in After We Fell?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) Where is Tessa going which she failed to mention to Hardin? Why? And where did Hardin want to go instead?

2) What book does Tessa pick up while packing that results in a pretty emotional montage?

3) Why does Tess get all mad at Hardin about the job in Seattle?

4) When Tessa goes to Seattle where does she stay?

5) Tess’s father breaks into Hardin’s house. Why? What does Hardin give him?

Bonus Question: In the mid-credits scene we see Hardin intensely boxing when he is approached by a mysterious person. Who?

Answers

After We Fell Preview

It was all so hard to comprehend. Could it be that they could be scapegoated as the bad guys in an effort to continue the never ending cycle of BMT? That someday they’d be laughing it up in their villa in Stockholm or Athens or Mozambique or wherever and suddenly a couple of new, rad Bad Movie Twins would twin chop them down to take their place? “It’s… impossible!” Jamie screams again in anguish, but he and Patrick also know that there was truth there. Things had gotten so… complicated. Deep down they could feel that Lou Cash was right. They solemnly nod their heads and quickly jot down a note for Kyle and Rachel. “Give this to them when the time is right,” Patrick explains and Lou Cash says he will. Jamie and Patrick predator high five in case it’s the last time they’ll ever get a chance and climb into the Deconvoluting Machine. As it powers on, things warp and change around them. One second they are children and the next old men. Their lives and all their many future lives flash before their eyes. Fighting Scott Bakula, winning the 2033 Nobel Peace Prize, working Predator Patrol, exploring Mars, and walking the sands of the wastelands of the BMTverse. Tears stream down their faces as they realize the knife’s edge they had been walking, the horror of where they were heading and yet always keeping at bay the chaos that is the ultimate product of the power of the Dongle. The feeling was that of riding a rocket into space, their bodies pushed against their seats to the point of near unconsciousness. And just when it felt like they would succumb to the pressure… they fell. That’s right! We were very happy to see that the After franchise continued this year with the third in the series After We Fell. It’s the story of a love and honestly I remember kinda liking the second entry. Somehow it managed a very brief wide release in theaters so we thought it would be fun to pair it up with Woman in the Window as Bring a Friend. That film was meant to be a wide release film, but ultimately after a number of reshoots it was released to Netflix instead. Let’s go!

After We Fell (2021) – BMeTric: 51.9; Notability: 16

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.8%; Notability: top 11.6%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 0.0%; Higher BMeT: Space Jam: A New Legacy, Thunder Force, Home Sweet Home Alone, He’s All That, Cosmic Sin, Deadly Illusions, Music, Awake, The Misfits, Spiral, The Unholy, Tom and Jerry; Higher Notability: Space Jam: A New Legacy, Tom and Jerry, Music, Chaos Walking, Infinite, The Addams Family 2, Home Sweet Home Alone, Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, Red Notice, Dear Evan Hansen, Snake Eyes, Sweet Girl, Cherry, The Starling, Thunder Force, The Unforgivable, Reminiscence, The Birthday Cake, The Woman in the Window, Voyagers, and 9 more; Notes: Yeeeeeeeeeeah. The BMeTric is becoming slightly more important from a bad movie perspective as so many films don’t qualify, but are major releases. Impressive 0%, and impressive this actually did get released (for one day) at over 600 theaters.

AV Club – D –  For those keeping track at home, we’re now three installments deep into a franchise that started as One Direction fan fiction before morphing into a sort of Fifty Shades Of Grey for teenagers. … The problem is that most of After We Fell is too boring to even lend itself to mockery. The movie comes close to the right lack of self-awareness in a scene where Hardin watches in increasing sexual fervor as Tessa does some basic white girl hip-swaying at an office party. But you’ve got to sit through an awful lot of stilted scene work to get there.

(Boring isn’t good. But jokes on them, I love this kind of garbage and I’m also in too deep. I’ve seen the other two and I would watch a season of After webisodes if they were served to me in a convenient manner. I mean, I wouldn’t pay for them, but I would secretly watch them and then tell my wife about them for an hour one night when I got drunk. That would happen.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYdNN6C9hfI/

(Man that seems dramatic. Glad to see Hardin still punching people. Such a bad boy. So broken. So sexy.)

Directors – Castille Landon – ( Known For: Fear of Rain; BMT: After We Fell; Notes: She appears to be a major director for the new Wattpad film studio. She is slated to direct Perfect Addiction, about a boxing trainer who trains her ex-boyfriend’s foe after she learns her ex cheated on her. She is also directing the next two After sequels and the prequel.)

Writers – Anna Todd – ( Known For: After We Collided; BMT: After We Fell; After; Notes: The writer of the book which was originally One Direction fanfiction on Wattpad which makes sense that it is part of Wattpad Productions. Is Wattpad Productions the house that After built? Probably.)

Sharon Soboil – ( BMT: After We Fell; Notes: Also wrote the sequel. Has another film in production called Of Corset’s Mine.)

Actors – Josephine Langford – ( Known For: After We Collided; Moxie; Future BMT: Wish Upon; BMT: After We Fell; After; Notes: Australian, her sister is also an actress and was the star of 13 Reasons Why. Is in the next film, but doesn’t seem to be contracted for the other two (and I don’t know if her character is necessarily in those).)

Hero Fiennes Tiffin – ( Known For: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince; After We Collided; The Silencing; Private Peaceful; Bigga Than Ben; BMT: After We Fell; After; Notes: Yup, he’s the nephew of Ralph Fiennes. He is also not contracted for the other two films, so I assume it follows a different After Cinematic Universe story of some kind. He’s slated for a few films which sound like direct-to-Netflix fare.)

Louise Lombard – ( Known For: After We Collided; Hidalgo; Tale of the Mummy; My Kingdom; Lichnyy nomer; BMT: After We Fell; Notes: Ah, she plays Hardin’s mother. I’m pretty surprised she is a bit part of this one. She was a British star to some degree it looks like, starring in The House of Eliott.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $2,170,750 (Worldwide: $21,782,642)

(That is a lot more money than I expected. I think Wattpad Productions will be okay …)

Rotten Tomatoes – 0% (0/11)

(Ooooo I get to make a consensus: A boring barely-movie with boring sex. Uh-oh … that seems bad.)

Reviewer Highlight: Should come with a warning to viewers: contains extremely boring sex. – Cath Clarke, Guardian

Poster – After We Smelled

(I was hoping they would return to the form of the first film and give us an ultra sexy poster. But alas, just a poster smeared with Vaseline. Font is the only thing I’m digging and doesn’t nearly approach the hilarity of this alternate poster for the second film.)

Tagline – None.

(F obviously. And no, I don’t consider ‘Based on the Best-Selling Worldwide Phenomenon’ a tagline cause that would still be an F.)

Keyword(s) – based-on-young-adult-novel

Top 10: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), The Hunger Games (2012), Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), After We Fell (2021)

Future BMT: 43.9 Allegiant (2016), 38.0 Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), 37.3 Chaos Walking (2021), 37.1 The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), 33.8 How to Deal (2003), 30.4 Mortal Engines (2018), 27.7 The Divergent Series: Insurgent (2015), 14.5 If I Stay (2014)

BMT: After We Fell (2021), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), I Am Number Four (2011), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), The Host (2013), The 5th Wave (2016), Vampire Academy (2014), The Darkest Minds (2018), Beastly (2011)

Matches: None

(The no matches would be expected haha. God there are so many still to do. How to Deal seems exciting. The plot is awesome, just nothing prior to 2000 (was there no designation or something?). And the genre died, although I would guess that it has just moved to streaming in general. You will be sorely missed, but maybe Wattpad can save it! I hope so, these films are hilarious.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 21) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Stephen Moyer is No. 7 billed in After We Fell and No. 10 billed in 88 Minutes, which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (7 + 10) + (3 + 1) = 21. If we were to watch The Replacement Killers we can get the HoE Number down to 17.

Notes – Due to the Covid-19 Pandemic, After We Fell (2021) was shot back to back with the final film After Ever Happy (2022) in Sofia, (Bulgaria) as opposed to Atlanta, Georgia (USA) where the first 2 movies were filmed. Sofia was chosen due to low cases and was considered Covid safe at the time.

Stephen Moyer replaces Charlie Weber as Christian Vance. Mira Sorvino replaces Selma Blair as Carol Young. Chance Perdono replaces Shane Paul McGhie as Landon. Arielle Kebbel replaces Candace King as Kimberley. (This might get confusing)

The Quest Recap

Jamie

Christopher Dubois is an American for sure who just wants to do right by the gang of street urchins under his care. After finding himself sold off to a muay thai trainer in the Far East he becomes determined to get into, and win, a big tournament where the prize is a golden dragon. Can he beat the baddie and win the gold before it’s too late? Find out in… The Quest.

How?! Christopher Dubois is a clown who uses his physical clown training to help the children of New York and not to help the local mobsters who want to use his big muscles for their own devices. When this gets him on the wrong side of the law he accidentally stows away on a boat headed to the Far East on which he becomes a prisoner. When some pirates led by Lord Dobbs and his ally Harry pick him up they immediately sell him off to a muay thai trainer. Meanwhile fighters across the globe are getting invites to the Ghang-gheng, a fighting tournament where the prize is a big ol’ gold dragon. Dubois is determined to get in the tournament and win the dragon for the children back home. Falling back in with Dobbs, they intercept Maxie Devine, a boxer invited to the tournament, and a reporter, Carrie Newton. On the trek to the tournament it is eventually revealed that Dubois meant to steal Maxie’s invite and the two have a brawl and a falling out, with Maxie eventually giving Dubois his invite. At the tournament Maxie shows up again only to ask that Dubois legally take his place as he is the better fighter. They give Dubois one shot and if he falls in the first round then Maxie will pay the penalty. From here a bunch of people punch each other. Mostly Dubois wins through sheer determination and Khan, a Mongolian fighter, totally owns everyone. He even straight up murders Dubois’ muay thai frenemy. Dobbs and Harry get spooked by how monstrous Khan is and decide instead to steal the gold dragon using a zeppelin (for real). They are caught and sentenced to death, but Dubois asks that they allow him to fight for their lives. If he wins, he’ll give up the gold dragon for them. Everyone agrees and of course Dubois ends up beating Khan against all odds. Despite not getting the dragon he explains that everything turned out A-OK. THE END.

Why?! For the children, obviously. Who wouldn’t look at The Quest starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and think, “Well obviously he needs a really good reason to fight in this tournament… perhaps a long introductory scene where he’s a clown who creepily lives with and cares for a gang of street urchins.” All the rest are pretty standard motivations, but JCVD’s are pure insanity.

Who?! There are a number of former fighters and stuff in this, which makes sense. The most interesting is Koji Kitao, the Japanese sumo wrestler. He has kind of a sad story in that he rose to prominence in sumo wrestling at a young age and was granted the title of Yokozuna even before winning a major championship. After that there was a lot of turmoil with him and never did win that championship before getting unceremoniously ejected from the sport. He then became a wrestler and stuff. He later started coaching sumo, but it was a wild journey.

What?! Pretty good MacGuffin action in this guy with a giant golden dragon as the prize for the tournament. The obvious quibble is that it’s not a MacGuffin at all. It clearly has no power other than making someone rich and making waves in the gold market. So it’s no mystery or anything. It’s just money. But whatever, it’s big and gold and everyone wants it.

Where?! The best parts of the film are in NYC where Dubois operates his clown/street urchin business (which sounds a bit sketchy). But that’s pretty brief. The rest are in Thailand then in the Lost City (which is allegedly in Tibet). If I controlled the film I would have had him travel all the way to Thailand and then travel to the Lost City which turns out to be… in NYC?! Whaaaaaa? That’s right in the sewers of NYC and then all the street urchins can come and cheer him on. Three thumbs up from me. A-.

When?! The internet says that it’s set in 1925. I think that must be right because everywhere says it, but I can’t remember if JCVD just says it in his weird old man voice or if it’s given to us as an intertitle. But whatever, that’s the best we’ll do cause the whole film takes place over several months and I don’t think the invitation has a date on it. C because I honestly can’t remember when they mentioned it. When something like that is so pervasive, even in contemporary reviews, it makes me wonder if it was in the press kit or something.

I have always unabashedly loved this movie. From the opening JCVD in old man makeup to the ending JCVD in old man makeup, it’s a feast of JCVD as auteur. I’ve always thought that films like this give you a look into someone’s brain. Just like a book gives you insight into the types of things an author thinks about. Clearly here JCVD thinks “They asked me to direct! Well what do I want to direct? I guess Bloodsport because that was great and made me famous,” and then “wait, it’s too similar to Bloodsport, let’s make it so I have to win the tournament to save some kids.” And the funniest part is that the Bloodsport portion is easily the best part of the film. It’s silly in an 80’s kind of way, which makes sense as it’s just a remake of a 1988 film, but fun. The rest is fun, but mostly because it is so crazy. Even if you don’t watch the entire film, just watch the bookends with JCVD in old man makeup. It’s straight out of a TV movie or something. I love it. Patrick?

Patrick

Hello everyone! We got Van Damme! We got Van Damme pretending to be American! We got Van Damme directing himself pretending to be American!!! Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – You better believe I’ve seen The Quest before. The stories from the preview are pretty funny though. Moore straight up dunks on Van Damme and the entire production and basically says the second unit director did the entire thing. Also they were actually sued by the Bloodsport guy (who won!) for just copying the Kumite. Awesome. What were my expectations? Popcorn stains all over my shirt because I was going to be so entertained by Van Damme’s excellent kickboxing skillz.

The Good – Uh everything? More seriously though, once they get to the tournament having the film devolve into just a guy-from-this-place vs guy-from-that-place as a showcase of fighting styles is a brilliant idea and works super well. This is exactly the same reason Mortal Kombat works as well and it is absolutely how all of these kinds of films should operate. Mini-bosses, boss fights, and tournaments. It rarely fails! Best Bit: This film is just a video game like Street Fighter and you don’t even need to know anything besides that Van Damme has a heart of gold and deserves to win that giant gold dragon.

The Bad – This might actually be the worst directed film I’ve ever seen. Everything from the wonky Dutch angles all over the place, to the cheap looking sets and ludicrous set up in fake-NYC. The whole thing is just absurdly amateurish, as one would expect from the amateur director Jean-Claude Van Damme. Do yourself a favor and watch just the open scene with Van Damme in terrible old man makeup. It is the greatest! Fatal Flaw: They allowed non-director Jean-Claude Van Damme to write a script and direct a film starring himself. The definition of a blank check given to a person who has no idea what to do with that level of power.

The BMT – If I were to choose a single film to embody the Mind of a Madman / Blank Check type of filmmaking … well, I would choose Battlefield Earth. But the second choice would easily be this film. It is the perfect combination of ludicrously entertaining and astonishingly bad. I love this film. I’ve watched it multiple times and will watch it many more times. A future Hall of Fame lock. Did it meet my expectations? There were so many popcorn stains on my shirt I had to just throw it in the garbage. Worth it, I bought a The Quest shirt off of Etsy to replace it.

Roast-radamus – I love it as a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Tibet, although that can’t really go onto the map I don’t think, decently Thailand as well. I’m going to throw it a bone and give it a small MacGuffin (Why?) for the mysterious not-Kumite invitation / giant gold dragon, even though it really doesn’t meet the definition. Whatever, this film just deserves a lot of awards. BMT for miles and miles, I think it could easily win this year.

Sequel, Prequel, Remake – Oh I think this definitely deserves a serious Remake for television. Imagine it. You set it up with three episodes of (1) what he needs money for,  (2) how he finds out about the tournament, (3) getting to the tournament. Then four rounds of fights are the next four episodes with some serious martial arts action. Then a final episode where Van Damme leaves as the winner (without the money like in the movie) vowing to return the following year to defend his title and win the money. The second season is him winning the tournament and the money. The third he hears his protege has entered and returns to the Lost City to coach him. The fourth is a Tournament of Champions. And the final season is him realizing that he must stop the tournament by banding up with the foes-with-hearts-of-gold he’s met in the prior four seasons to take on the army the Lost City has assembled from the champions of the past. Boom, an easy five season order. Call me Van Damme, we’ll discuss the contract.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Quest Quiz

Oh man, so here’s the thing. I entered a winner takes all, best fighter in the world Kumite. But then this big bad dude from Mongolia bopped me on the head and now I don’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in The Quest?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film Jean-Claude Van Damme is a clown (literally!) in NYC. Why does he leave NYC and where does he end up?

2) Phew, he’s met a real cool dude played by Roger Moore who promises to help him. Where does he say he’s taking him and what does he do instead?

3) Roger Moore thinks JCVD is in the past, but he meets him again. Where and why is Moore there?

4) How does JVCD get into the Kumite … er, I mean, the Ghang-gheng?

5) Who wins the giant gold dragon in the end?

Bonus Question: In a flashback we see the moment JCVD becomes an orphan, but what really happened to his mother?

Answers

The Quest Preview

Jamie, Patrick, and Kyle stare at Lou Cash in shock. “Lou… don’t do this,” Patrick says calmly and Lou scoffs. “Do what? Return order to the world? Stop the chaos that you’ve brought upon us all. Do you remember where the Obsidian Dongle was before you came along?” Jamie and Patrick remember back to their backpacking trip across Europe where they stole the Dongle from some high level terrorists in Budapest. Sure, things had gone a bit awry since those simple days and maybe they’ve overcomplicated everything a little bit, but surely Lou can’t be suggesting that he’d rather see the Dongle in the hands of some high level terrorists. Lou shakes his head sadly. “I knew you wouldn’t understand. Think!” Patrick and Jamie rack their brains and suddenly their mouths go dry. “No…” mutters Jamie, “that’s not true. That’s impossible!” Kyle is now staring wide-eyed at them and quickly flees into the other room. “Are we…” stammers Patrick, “are we now the high level terrorists?” Lou Cash’s eyes are gleaming. He nods his head excitedly, “And it’s only a matter of time till some government comes along with some shiny new Bad Movie Twins and the cycle will begin anew. But it’s not too late. Come… come with me.” Lou hurries them across the hall to his laboratory/apartment. In the middle of the room is what looks like a shiny blue igloo. On the side are painted the words ‘CAUTION: Deconvoluter In Action. Do not even think about using this machine unless absolutely necessary. In particular if you’ve overcomplicated everything and need to deconvolute it. But also, be careful. It’s a time machine.’ Lou is looking at them eagerly. “You ready?” he asks impatiently. “We have no time… this is your quest.” That’s right! We are heading for the end of the year and gotta hit some of the greatest anniversaries. Perhaps the greatest of them all is also a film I’ve seen many times. Why? Because it’s hilarious and I love it. It’s The Quest starring, written, and directed by Jean-Claude Van Damme. Nothing more needs to be said. Let’s go!

The Quest (1996) – BMeTric: 41.8; Notability: 33

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.0%; Notability: top 24.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.0%; Higher BMeT: Barb Wire, Kazaam, Striptease, Bio-Dome, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Ed, The Crow: City of Angels, Hellraiser: Bloodline, The Stupids, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Poison Ivy II, Solo, The Glimmer Man, Eddie, D3: The Mighty Ducks, Maximum Risk, Jingle All the Way, Bordello of Blood, and 5 more; Higher Notability: Eraser, The Fan, Jingle All the Way, Spy Hard, Chain Reaction, Daylight, Mulholland Falls, Eddie, The Associate, Up Close & Personal, Dear God, Sgt. Bilko, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Eye for an Eye, The Crow: City of Angels, The Adventures of Pinocchio, Space Truckers, In Love and War, Larger Than Life, The Glimmer Man, and 41 more; Lower RT: Big Bully, The Dentist, Ed, Ripe, Bio-Dome, Kazaam, Mr. Wrong, Spy Hard, Bulletproof, Eye for an Eye, Solo, Celtic Pride, House Arrest, Mrs. Winterbourne, Two If by Sea, Larger Than Life, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, The Glimmer Man, In Love and War, Down Periscope, and 9 more; Notes: It is beyond incredible this film has above 5.0 on IMDb. It might actually be the worst directed film ever made. The stats are kind of okay, but I’m surprised it isn’t in the top 10% on Rotten Tomatoes. The 90s were a wild time.

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  Epic martial-arts story with high-kicking Van Damme as N.Y.C. pickpocket whose efforts to elude police lead him to the Far East and into the most exclusive and prestigious fight in the “world.” Besides Jean-Claude, film features 15 of the world’s greatest martial arts champions. A passable but uninspired directing debut for the star, who also gets story credit.

(My god, the rating is super high as well from Maltin. Also, he’s on a first name basis with “Jean-Claude”? I didn’t know Maltin and him were besties.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaCbSlAsQoE/

(DuBois!!!!!!!!!! I have to admit, this film has an awesome trailer. Greased up abs, promises serious martial arts action, Roger Moore, Van Damme as a champion. I’m jazzed and I’ve already seen this film multiple times.)

Directors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( BMT: The Quest; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: He actually did direct another film. A little film called Full Love (aka The Frenchy aka The Eagle Path), ever heard about it? No?)

Writers – Frank Dux – ( Known For: Bloodsport; BMT: The Quest; Notes: Notorious in the industry for claiming a huge number of impressive martial arts abilities and challenging people to fights. Some people seem to think that these claims might, allegedly, be completely made up.)

Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( Known For: Kickboxer: Vengeance; Kickboxer: Retaliation; Legionnaire; Kickboxer 2: The Road Back; The Order; Future BMT: Kickboxer; Lionheart; BMT: Double Impact; The Quest; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: He ended up with a lot of early story credits because he edited and coordinated things like Bloodsport because he is, it turns out, a kickboxing savant. He wrote a random episode of a French television series called Rani.)

Steven Klein – ( BMT: The Quest; Notes: There is literally nothing about this person in IMDb. Other places seem to suggest he wrote a few more movies, but I bet they are mixing up another person with a similar name.)

Paul Mones – ( Known For: Fathers & Sons; The Beat; Saints and Sinners; BMT: Double Team; The Quest; Notes: Was a small actor, mostly in the 80s, including appearing as J.T. in 6 episodes of The Renegades and the associated television movie (an update of The Renegades))

Actors – Jean-Claude Van Damme – ( Known For: Last Action Hero; The Expendables 2; Bloodsport; Kung Fu Panda 3; Hard Target; Kung Fu Panda 2; The Last Mercenary; Welcome to the Jungle; No Retreat, No Surrender; Timecop; Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning; Kickboxer: Vengeance; Kickboxer: Retaliation; Black Water; Sudden Death; JCVD; Desert Heat; In Hell; 6 Bullets; Universal Soldier: Regeneration; Future BMT: Street Fighter; Kickboxer; Nowhere to Run; Lionheart; Death Warrant; Breakin’; Maximum Risk; Missing in Action; BMT: Universal Soldier; Double Impact; Cyborg; Double Team; The Quest; Universal Soldier: The Return; Knock Off; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screen Couple for Double Team in 1998; and Nominee for Worst New Star for Bloodsport in 1989; Notes: A genuine karate champion from Belgium, he is misty well known for kickboxing at this point (and the movie that shares the name with that sport). Loves doing splits and often plays characters who are definitely 100% American but have French accents for some reason.)

Roger Moore – ( Known For: For Your Eyes Only; Live and Let Die; The Spy Who Loved Me; Moonraker; Octopussy; The Man with the Golden Gun; The Wild Geese; The Last Time I Saw Paris; The Sea Wolves; Escape to Athena; Shout at the Devil; North Sea Hijack; Caesar and Cleopatra; Gold; That Lucky Touch; The Naked Face; Crossplot; The Carer; Diane; The Miracle; Future BMT: A View to a Kill; The Saint; Boat Trip; Curse of the Pink Panther; Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore; BMT: The Cannonball Run; Spice World; The Quest; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Spice World in 1999; Notes: James Bond! He died in 2017. His career was a little weird after Bond, but was in stuff like For Your Eyes Only.)

James Remar – ( Known For: Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood; Miracle on 34th Street; Django Unchained; The Girl Next Door; The Warriors; Ratatouille; RED; X: First Class; Pineapple Express; 48 Hrs.; The Blackcoat’s Daughter; Horns; The Phantom; What Lies Beneath; Cruising; USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage; The Long Riders; Lap Dance; Drugstore Cowboy; The Cotton Club; Future BMT: Transformers: Dark of the Moon; Blade: Trinity; The Unborn; Psycho; Duplex; Renaissance Man; Band of the Hand; Persecuted; BMT: 2 Fast 2 Furious; Judge Dredd; Mortal Kombat: Annihilation; The Clan of the Cave Bear; Wild Bill; The Quest; Fatal Instinct; Notes: Dexter’s dad / the guy who gets arrested in The Warriors. Is a television star, most recently in 58 episodes of Black Lightning.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $21,686,547 (Worldwide: $57,400,547)

(Pretty rough. Maybe I should start gathering more information for this. Given I have all of the data already I could do a comp to the director / writers / stars to try and put it in context a bit. Could be fun.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (3/21): Jean-Claude Van Damme makes a forgettable directorial debut with The Quest, a bland retread of better heroes’ journeys.

(Yup. I mean … this is the same story as Bloodsport right? It is just a Kumite by a different name (and no it doesn’t smell as sweet). You like that? That would have been my short review on Rotten Tomatoes: “A Kumite by another name doesn’t smell as sweet.”)

Reviewer Highlight: Interesting only for being so totally familiar, even if you’ve never seen another film about a Ghan-Gheng martial-arts match in an ancient Lost City in Tibet. – Janet Maslin, New York Times

Poster – The Best Quest

(I’d hang that on the wall. Nice color scheme and the framing is interesting. I think probably from an advertising point of view they probably would have wanted to make the fighting part of it bigger, but I don’t have too many faults with it. B+.)

Tagline(s) – Go the distance (D)

A lost city, A man of destiny, A test of honor… (B+)

(The first one is funny cause it almost seems like they meant to name the film The Quest: Go the Distance, which would have been great and terrible. The second one is the real tagline and obviously fits a classic tagline structure. Gotta appreciate it.)

Keyword(s) – martial-arts

Top 10: Dune (2021), Spider-Man (2002), Eternals (2021), Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021), The Matrix (1999), Red Notice (2021), The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), Die Hard (1988), The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014), Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Future BMT: 87.7 Street Fighter (1994), 85.6 The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D (2005), 69.3 Seed of Chucky (2004), 62.1 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), 61.3 Scooby-Doo (2002), 59.8 Spawn (1997), 58.6 Scary Movie 2 (2001), 55.9 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 52.1 Green Lantern (2011), 51.8 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008)

BMT: Jingle All the Way (1996), Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (2021), Snake Eyes (2021), Road House (1989), Sucker Punch (2011), Police Academy (1984), The Fast and the Furious (2001), Gods of Egypt (2016), Jupiter Ascending (2015), Battleship (2012), R.I.P.D. (2013), Fantastic Four (2015), 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003), Queen of the Damned (2002), Batman & Robin (1997), A Good Day to Die Hard (2013), Hellboy (2019), The Last Airbender (2010), The Predator (2018), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Batman Forever (1995), The Three Musketeers (2011), Angel Has Fallen (2019), The Mummy (2017), Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014), Assassin’s Creed (2016), G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013), Bloodshot (2020), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Hitman: Agent 47 (2015), Demolition Man (1993), Mortal Kombat (1995), Wild Wild West (1999), Hitman (2007), Eraser (1996), Mechanic: Resurrection (2016), Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), The Bodyguard (1992), Johnny Mnemonic (1995), Dragonball Evolution (2009), The Expendables 3 (2014), Gone in 60 Seconds (2000), Young Guns II (1990), Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001), Behind Enemy Lines (2001), I Am Number Four (2011), Epic Movie (2007), Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), The Cannonball Run (1981), Eragon (2006), Conan the Barbarian (2011), Judge Dredd (1995), Gangster Squad (2013), Rambo III (1988), Pompeii (2014), Mile 22 (2018), Predator 2 (1990), Elektra (2005), Meet the Spartans (2008), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Alien vs. Predator (2004), Masters of the Universe (1987), London Has Fallen (2016), Universal Soldier (1992), The Ridiculous 6 (2015), Doom (2005), Rambo (2008), Conan the Destroyer (1984), Catwoman (2004), The Postman (1997), Alex Cross (2012), Howard the Duck (1986), RoboCop 2 (1990), Jason X (2001), This Means War (2012), Æon Flux (2005), Red Dawn (2012)

Matches: Daredevil (2003), The Karate Kid (1984), Road House (1989), Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003), The Accountant (2016), Warrior (2011), The Karate Kid Part III (1989), Here Comes the Boom (2012), Mortal Kombat (1995), The Expendables (2010), Charlie’s Angels (2000), Kung Fu Panda (2008), Mission: Impossible II (2000), Street Fighter (1994), Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991), Bloodsport (1988), Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)

(Jeez, there are a lot of bad films with this keyword. Jingle All the Way … yeah there was martial arts in that. The graph is super fun. I have to imagine the drop off is the same as with any keyword: martial arts films aren’t going to be released to theaters anymore, leaving only films with incidental martial arts getting the keyword.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Roger Moore is No. 2 billed in The Quest and No. 2 billed in The Cannonball Run, which also stars Burt Reynolds (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 5 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 2) + (1 + 5) + (3 + 1) = 14. If we were to watch A View to a Kill, and Stand Up Guys we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – Frank Dux sued Jean-Claude Van Damme over the writing credits of the movie, claiming that Van Damme and he wrote the story under the title “The Kumite: Enter the New Dragon” in 1991. Van Damme denied this, claiming the two projects were unrelated. Dux won his story credit via a ruling of the Writer’s Guild of America, but lost the actual court case. (Wait … so this was literally just a Kumite by another name?)

Producer Moshe Diamant was hoping to get Sir Roger Moore back to work on another of his productions, but Moore declined, after having a difficult time working on this movie.

When the production was running out of money, many of the crew were asked to work for free to keep filming on schedule. The producers promptly found the money for the filming, when said crew laughed at them, and threatened to strike.

Tatum O’Neal claims in her autobiography that she was called personally for the main female role in this movie by Jean-Claude Van Damme, but failed to get the part after a romance between her and Van Damme faltered. (Gross)

In his autobiography “My Word is My Bond”, Sir Roger Moore states that this movie was a disorganized production that was running out of money, due to poor preparation. He credits Second Unit Director Peter MacDonald for bringing it all together. He also wrote that he greatly disliked Jean-Claude Van Damme and producer Moshe Diamant.

Jack McGee broke wind after each take. This drew the ire of Jean-Claude Van Damme, who wasn’t amused, but the rest of the cast and crew, especially Sir Roger Moore, found it hilarious.

Sir Roger Moore was promised “above the title” billing by the producers on the posters, and the movie, but was shocked to see his name was further down in the credits.

The book from which Christopher Dubois is supposedly reading, and closes before the credits roll, has two short paragraphs that seems to resemble the theme of the movie, and then transitions into an ad for luxury yachts. (HA)

Lord Edgar Dobbs (Sir Roger Moore) takes Christopher Dubois (Jean-Claude Van Damme) to Muay Thai Island and sells him. Moore was last on this island while filming the final scenes of The Man with the Golden Gun (1974). These are the Phi Phi Islands in Thailand.

This was the last movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme under his five-movie contract with Universal Pictures.

The French fighter’s martial art in the film is called Savate, and it has an Afro-Brazilian cousin Capoeira (as displayed in the film by the Brazilian fighter facing off against him). Savate has obscure origins, but it is believed to be influenced by Chinese martial arts combined with European and indigenous African fighting arts. One characteristic Savate shares with Capoeira is that the hand was used as a base to kick from. Savate began in southern France in the slums of the port city Marseille. The Greek actor/stuntman Takis Triggelis, who played the French fighter, has trained in Tae Kwon Do, Kickboxing and Muay Thai. Previously, Triggelis did a western film with French actor and fellow martial artist Olivier Gruner that was eponymous with his character’s martial art Savate (aka The Fighter).

Okinawa, while being part of Japan, has its own fighter due to being where karate originated.

Bulletproof (1996) Recap

Jamie

Archie and Keats are BFFs and small-time criminals. Turns out though Keats was actually Carter, an undercover cop looking to use Archie to get to drug kingpin Colton. Now Carter is tasked with bringing Archie to LA to testify against Colton and oooohhhhhh boy… there will be hijinks. Can Carter and Archie beat the baddies before it’s too late? Find out in… Bulletproof.

How?! Archie is a small-time crook and Keats is the only man he trusts. So of course he wants to get him in on the easy money he can make working for drug kingpin Frank Colton. When the first job rolls around, though, Archie is shocked and dismayed to find out that Keats is Jack Carter (not to be confused with John Carter… who is from Mars), an undercover cop. Things go south quickly and Archie accidentally shoots Carter in the head and escapes. After years of intensive rehab where we see Carter meet and fall in love with his physical therapist (sure that won’t be relevant in any major way), Carter returns to the force. His first job? Escort Archie back to LA to testify against Colton. Carter is pissed, of course. Archie shot him in the head after all. But what should be a simple flight back to LA turns into a fiasco when Colton’s men ambush their plane which ultimately leads to a crash landing in the desert. Carter isn’t having any of Archie’s shenanigans, even though Archie insists that he didn’t mean to shoot him in the head. Ultimately they are able to make their way to a local motel where they spend the night in the honeymoon suite waiting for Carter’s reinforcements. But there must be a mole! Cause Colton’s men catch up with them no problem and only with the help of the motel’s kooky manager are they able to escape. Carter insists that they need to rely on law enforcement, but Archie is sure that Colton has bribed everyone. Archie is proved right when they meet up with the FBI in LA only to have them turn out to be dirty too. They escape again and Carter is finally able to deliver Archie to the police station. A short time later he gets a call from Carter informing him that they’ve kidnapped his GF and to bring Archie if he wants her back. Carter takes Archie to Colton only to find that mole was his GF the whole time! What a twist! There is a climactic battle and Archie takes a bullet for Carter and then kills Colton. Assured that they have enough evidence without Archie and their friendship having been mended, Carter lets Archie go. THE END.

Why?! Huh, I guess I really didn’t think about this when I was watching it. Carter is just doing his job. Colton is a bad guy who wants money and doesn’t want to go to jail. Archie… well he is a criminal because he doesn’t know how to do anything else (according to him). There isn’t any crazy scheme or motivation for anyone. Even Carter and Archie aren’t really looking to mend their friendship. That’s more circumstantial.

Who?! We got a Pro Wrestler Alert! Colton’s main thug is played by Jeep Swenson Jr. who wrestled in the 80’s. He has all kinds of fun trivia about him. Like how he was brought in for a widely panned WCW pay-per-view event as part of the Alliance to End Hulkamania as The Final Solution, and then had to be hastily renamed The Ultimate Solution due to the Nazi context of that name. He also had the Guinness Book record for bicep size. Sadly he was a big time steroid user and died very young.

What?! I do enjoy figuring out what soda is sponsoring our movie of the week. We got ourselves a Pepsi product in Bulletproof. Most prominently we see Carter and Archie sapping on some Slice and Mug Root Beer respectively, while watching a TV with a large Pepsi logo propped up next to it. I love the choices. Too obvious if they are drinking Pepsi, give them something different.

Where?! Solid enough LA movie and made a bit more solid by a clear “Arizona Highway Patrol” arrest for Archie which leads to him having to be transported across state lines to California. Other than the general cop business, though, I wouldn’t say this is a super setting or anything. Just solidly clear. B

When?! The whole story takes place over an unspecified (but probably pretty long) time since Carter has to recover from being shot in the head. But even beyond that I believe we are left in the dark about when everything takes place. Doesn’t help that we are in Arizona and LA where there aren’t any seasons to anchor ourselves to. F

Bulletproof is a shockingly paint-by-numbers buddy cop(ish) film. It’s very similar to 48 Hrs. in the set up, with a cop teamed up with a criminal making for some hijinks. But instead of pairing a foul-mouthed, offensive, not funny cop with a comedian criminal, here they pair two comedians up and it’s just more generally offensive. It is a relic of its times. The homophobic jokes come fast and furious, mostly from Sandler, although some of it seems a little winking. Still, it certainly makes your head spin to see how much of the script relies on something as mundane as the possibility that Wayans and Sandler might have to share a hotel room. Woooaaah. The twist is pretty dumb too, relying on the audience to forget that Wayans happens to always tell his (not so) random physical therapist girlfriend everything that he and Sandler are up to. Although I did kinda like the fakeout where Sandler reveals that he knows the police chief is dirty, prompting Wayans to punch him in the face, only for Sandler to later admit he misheard his name. Anyway, the film is 25 years old, but feels 35, and not nearly fun enough to make up for its problems. Patrick?

Patrick

Hello everyone! We got Sandler! We got … wait, I’m getting this strange sense that he’s supposed to be Charles Grodin. Eh, whatever, Let’s go!

P’s View on the Preview – Jamie name dropped 48 Hrs. but I watched Midnight Run a few years ago and as I was watching it I thought “what a second … isn’t there an old Sandler film with an eerily similar premise.” Yes, yes there is. This is one of three Sandler films from the 90s I hadn’t seen. A true rarity. What were my expectations? An unfunny carbon copy of Midnight Run … if I had read Jamie’s thing beforehand maybe I would have thought of 48 Hrs. though.

The Good – There are some Sandler classics in the film. It is a bit bizarre how late into the 90s it came out and just how off the radar it is as a “Sandler” comedy in that regard. Uh … oh man. Here’s the issue. This is a very actor driven film. And I like all of the actors in the film in general. But there might actually not be a film in which these people are given less to do. So I literally think that is it. Best Bit: There are some okay Sandler improvs.

The Bad – As usual with bad comedies from the 90s this is mostly a nothing movie that is kind of saved by some EXTREME gay panic. And by saved I mean it is very offensive, but much like The Medallion you can study this film in a museum and be like “yes, quite. Comedy was horrible in the 90s.” That gives it the tiniest bit or worth in the end. But just watch 48 hrs. or Midnight Run. Both are far better and are “80s problematic” which can be a lot more fun that “90s problematic.” Fatal flaw: An unfunny nothing movie.

The BMT – This is a pretty rare breed: I would recommend this to no one. For some people it will be extremely offensive. For those that aren’t offended, the movie isn’t funny and is maybe the worst Sandler film of the 90s (and there are a lot of them). So it does something pretty incredible: it really couldn’t possibly satisfy anyone. Did it meet my expectations? Sadly, yes. It really is just an unfunny version of three different better comedies from the 80s.

Roast-radamus – This must be where Sandler learned his mastery of Product Placement (What?) because there were sodas all over this thing (just kidding, he was always a master, just look at his co-star Snack Pack from Billy Madison). A solid Setting as a Character (Where?) for both Arizona and LA and arguably a decent roadtrip film as well. There actually is a funny MacGuffin (Why?) with the mysterious documents or whatever that Sandler knows about and just so happens to know exactly where in Caan’s mansion they are as well. Amusingly bad Worst Twist (How?) for the inevitable reveal that the girlfriend was the leak the whole time. And yeah, this is definitely a Bad in my book.

Sequel, Prequel Remake – I mean I can’t resist! We got a BMT Crossover Episode! Because you know that since Wayans was shot in the head that Sasha Petrosevich wants him on the Half Past Dead team. But this is going to be an issue, because you see, Moses isn’t half past dead. So he’s tagging along, and everyone is like “who is this jabroni and why is he here?” So Moses takes it into his own hands and shoots himself in the head … but whoops, he actually killed himself! But God, knowing the Half Past Dead team needs him, sends him down to be the literal angel on Keats’ shoulder. And with the combined one-and-a-half powers of the afterlife on their side they kick some serious butt. Sasha, though, can’t stand Moses, and relegates them to their own division in Seattle. It’s called Half Past Dead: Holy Moses! and it is also a spin-off television series (obviously).

Cheerios,

The Sklogs