Category: Recap

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Recap

Jamie

The Rise of the Silver Surfer is a true BMT conundrum. On the one hand it was a sequel to a bad superhero film that seemed to buy into the “more is more” principle of franchises. On the other hand it involves the Silver Surfer, suggesting that they were also buying into the “go big or go home” principle of BMT/Franchise Man. Will it be bad or will it be BMT? That’s the question. The Silver Surfer seems like a tricky choice for a second film. Is he cool or is he lame? Is bringing a space monster into the mix a bit much? He’s an alien on a surfboard… that can’t be right… right? But as I learned many years later watching The Avengers in theaters, as CGI aliums poured out of a hole in the sky, as everyone around me seems totally cool with that turn of events in their big action film… I realized at that moment that, wait a second… lame stuff is… good now? Lame stuff is now good, I guess. And I’ve been enjoying lame stuff ever since. So I guess it’s kind of neither bad nor BMT… it just might be lame (which is good).

To recap, the Fantastic Four are back, Jack! And boy are they having trouble putting on a wedding. Egad! Sue Storm is increasingly frustrated by Reed because he’s always got his head in the clouds trying to save the world. Unfortunately as their wedding approaches (and just after he busts a groove at his mean bachelor party) he is asked to investigate mysterious, surfing related events across the globe. He says, “No!” he’s got a wedding to plan… but secretly he does anyway. So when the wedding day arrives he is all set up to track the mysterious surfer… just in time for the surfer to crash the wedding and destroy Reed’s creation. Sue. Is. Pissed. But they got bigger fish to fry cause the surfer, the Silver Surfer that is, is taking a chunk out of Earth. They gear up to track him, but they aren’t the only ones. Is that Dr. Doom’s music? Yes, he’s alive, and yes, the Silver Surfer helpfully turns him back into a human. They reluctantly team up to develop a way to trap the Surfer by separating him from his surfboard (oddly, that’s also my only weakness). They succeed, yay! But they also learn that he is in service to a world eater called Galactus who is just about to eat Earth (boo). Then, like a total dick, Dr. Doom double crosses them and steals the board (not the time, bro). They pursue him with the help of (the actually good) Silver Surfer who regains his board and with the help of Johnny flies his board into Galactus and that… uh… kills him I guess. Everyone is happy, Earth is saved, Sue and Reed get married, and the Silver Surfer is dead (or is he? (he’s not (but doesn’t matter cause the franchise is))). THE END.

This is definitely better than the first film even though the Fantastic Four is lamer and sillier than ever before. That’s because the Silver Surfer is way cooler than he has any right to be. He sounds like a child made him up, but there is something perfect in the undistilled unironicism of the character. He is silver, he rides a surfboard, he’s an alien, and he helps a cosmic entity eat planets. That’s some dumb shit, but you kinda need that dumb stuff to make this (very dumb) movie work a little bit. At least better than the first one. This is all despite having one of the worst scenes in cinematic history in Reed’s bachelor party. Horrible. Worse than the X-Games scene in the first one. Anyway, on the verge of being not that bad. As for the 1994 “unreleased” Fantastic Four film… uh… wtf, mate? They claim online that they never meant to release the film and I quibble with that. Clearly they were going to release the film… that was the threat. If their terms weren’t met they were going to release the film. 100%. It is wall-to-wall insanity and I kind of wish for history’s sake that it actually did get released. If I had to make a comparison I’d say straight-to-video Lawnmower Man 2… that’s the vibe.

Hot Take Clam Bake! And I mean hot. My take is two fold. Sue Storm and Reed Richards are in it for the long haul because they have super powers that allow them to (putting it politely) make super love. The Thing and the Human Torch? Not so much. We are clearly heading for disaster. Two members of the crew are getting super freaky under the super sheets while the other two are monsters that might just kill their significant (or even insignificant) others. What is the conclusion here? US Government, get these maniacs under control! That’s right, I’m right back at it. It’s me: guy who wants the government to take the Fantastic Four into custody. This is a ticking time bomb my friends. I don’t care how tender Ben Grimm and Alicia Masters’ pure, blind love is… he will be in a blind rage after he crushes her to death by accident. Hot Take Temperature: Ghost Pepper.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer? More like Bland-tastic Bore Too: Lies of the Silver Grifter! Amirite? Well … it’s better than nothing. Let’s go!

  • Right off the bat I’ll say that I found this film to be a lot better than the first one. Or at least better. “A lot” might be pushing it. But still, it felt better.
  • The Human Torch seemed a bit toned down which was nice.
  • The power-swapping was good in principle, although in practice The Human Thing didn’t work well at all (although a solid gag).
  • The film does have probably the worst scene in the film with Mr. Fantastic’s bachelor party dance sequence. Inexplicable. Hollywood Badass Bar to the extreme. Bad effects. It had it all! I wonder how much higher the Rotten Tomatoes score would have been by just removing that scene and nothing else. I’d call it the Fantastic Cut, and people would be scratching their heads trying to figure out the 30 seconds of footage that were removed.
  • Who am I kidding, obviously people would immediately be like “WHERE’S THE DANCE SCENE!?” and freak out about it.
  • Biggest complaint about the film was bringing back Dr. Doom. Actually strike that. The biggest complaint is bringing back Dr. Doom and then magically making him look the same as he did before using Silver Surfer powers. That was ultra dumb.
  • The Silver Surfer was solid though. One of the rare he’s-bad-oh-wait-he’s-actually-good bad guys in a comic film. Although if you know anything about anything in comics it is obvious Silver Surfer is a tragic figure and not really a villain.
  • For Bring a Friend we then tripled up (what what!) on our fantastic weekend and watched Fantastic Four (1994). This is an insane story. So some guy owned the rights to The Fantastic Four for years and in 1995 the rights were going to expire if he didn’t make a movie. Oddly, the requirement to make a movie didn’t actually require him to release a movie … small oversight. So this guy enlists Roger Corman to put together a Canadian production with Canadian soap opera actors and this film was born. It was then shown in a few private screenings and thrown in a vault. The fact that a copy exists on the internet at all is astounding. Almost mind-blowing. The movie itself is a marvel of bad effects, although I have to say, The Thing’s head is pretty cool for an early 90s animatronic thing. A bit boring, but definitely worth a watch just to see some of the really early Marvel stuff that was happening at the time. A. Just for the historical aspect of the film it is definitely worth a watch.
  • This film might have the best Product Placement (What?) I’ve ever seen in the fact that the crazy hovership thing the Fantastic Four fly around in is explicitly covered in Dodge Ram logos. The logos are everywhere, on the front, on the seats, just crazy stuff. Good NYC film for Setting as a Character (Where?). I think I’ll leave it there. Closest to BMT still I think, I just can’t bring myself to call this movie good despite it being entertaining, and the dance scene is too good to make the film straight bad.

Check out the big finale of the Brundlefly Jr. Saga in the two part Fantastic Four sequels in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

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Fantastic Four (2005) Recap

Jamie

Sometimes our BMT eyes are a little bigger than our BMT mouths and Fantastic Four is one of those times. We didn’t just watch the first Fantastic Four. We didn’t just watch both Fantastic Fours. We got all that and a bag of potato chips with the original, never officially released Fantastic Four adaptation. It was a FF Fest that had us rock ‘n rolling all night and partying every day. And that’s really all that motivated all this. We just wanted to really sink our teeth into some 2000s magic. That of course also meant that I was knee deep into the 5 hour FF Fest and I looked over at the mirror that hangs in my BMT man cave and asked “who am I?” The answer? Franchise Man, babbbby. I love franchises.

To recap, Dr. Reed Richards is the smartest man alive… but also an asshole. As a result he’s a bit down on his luck just when a super cosmic event is passing Earth that will prove all his theories true! Oh no! He begs his very rich rival Dr. Von Doom to let him use his space station, which Doom delights in granting in part so he can flaunt the inclusion of his new GF ( and Reed’s ex-GF), Sue Storm, on the mission. Along for the ride are Reed’s friend Ben Grimm and Sue’s brother Johnny. They go up there, but oops! More berries. And by more berries I mean that the cosmic cloud has arrived early. Oh no! After getting owned by the cloud they wake up on Earth. Everything seems fine until Johnny starts spouting fire, Reed is stretching left and right, Sue is invisible, and Ben is a monstrous thing. The funniest part is when Ben tries to see his wife and basically the wife is like “gross” and runs away. Later on a sad Ben happens upon a disaster on a bridge and uses his grossness to save the day (with the help of his friends) and everyone is like, “Woah, those four are fantastic!”… except Ben’s wife who stops by just at that moment to throw her wedding ring on the ground. Ha! They all retreat to the Baxter building where Reed works on curing them. Johnny is not thrilled by the prospect but Ben is desperate and grows increasingly frustrated by the lack of progress. Doom, having lost his company in the disaster, but gained metal/electricity powers, decides to undermine Ben and Reed’s friendship. He uses his electricity power to help Ben use Reed’s curing machine to fix his condition. But it was all a ruse! Doom had realized the Thing was the only thing that could stop him. Now back to being normal he watches in horror as Doom does battle with his friends in a bid for power. Ultimately he willingly turns back into the Thing and joins the fray and together they are fantastic and are able to kill Dr. Doom. THE END… or is it? (It’s not). 

When I saw the runtime on this sucker I thought I was dreaming. A blazing 106 minutes for a superhero movie? Sign me up and sign me down. I also think they did a good job with The Thing and Johnny. Opposite sides of the coin from acting and effects standpoint, but at those extremes the film did OK. Outside of that there was some trouble. Sue and Reed are pretty meh and it falls pretty hard into the origin story pitfall. The entire movie is spent giving them powers, having them agonize over those powers, and then at the very last minute having to use their powers to stop… the other guy who got powers. Just four dopes with powers wrecking a city. So some good, some bad, and a BMT whopper in the Thing’s wife being generally grossed out by him and dropping him like it’s hot.

Hot Take Clam Bake! The Fantastic Four should and would have been taken into custody by the US Government. There was a mission to space that resulted in five people gaining superpowers. One (just one!) got a little peeved and wrecked NYC. And they were helpless to stop it without the help of the other four superpeople. The moral of the story was that they should accept their powers. The government would have to step in and tell them that they can’t. Sorry. Much like Cameron Poe, they are now dangerous weapons. They wrecked a city in self defense and so they have to figure a few things out. Maybe if some alien comes along and there is some bigger threat to humanity they can be free (fat chance!) but until then they are doing research in some underground military base somewhere. Hot Take Temperature: Butch T.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Fantastic Four?! More like Bland-tastic Bore! AMIRITE?! Wow, that one actually works. Let’s go!

  • Man there are a lot of issues with this film. Although I think a lot of them are issues with how films like this are approached more so than the film actually being bad at the time. So I’m going to try and grade things on a Today Bad – Timeless Bad – 2000’s Bad scale. Basically, is this just bad all the time, was it bad at the time but not so much now, or bad now but not so much then. Get it? No. Let’s go.
  • Human Torch being a gross human being and a general asshole? Today Bad. Back then I’m sure Chris Evans guzzling some Mountain Dew and doing sweet tricks at the X Games while ogling the ladies and being a creep was cool as shit. And it helps that he’s the best part of the film from an acting / charm perspective. But today it is gross and doesn’t fly so well.
  • The Thing’s wife breaking up with him immediately? Timeless Bad. Not only is it poor storytelling where outside of being an unsupportive horrible person, the character has no development, the story goes out of its way to have the character show up out of nowhere to get a divorce?! The craziest scene in the film.
  • The Thing makeup – 2000s Bad. It actually looks kind of cool, but back in the 2000s apparently people thought it looked like crap?
  • The Human Torch effects – Today Bad. I’m sure at the time they thought it looked good. It doesn’t.
  • Mr. Fantastic effects – Timeless Bad. I’m sure people thought they looked good at the time, but deep inside they knew it looked like trash. Still does.
  • Invisible Woman getting naked for no reason – Today Bad. Can someone tell me what function Invisible Woman played in getting them across the barrier during the bridge scene by getting naked? No? No explanation since everyone else just ends up with her 14 feet away without anything happening?
  • Superhero baddies – Timeless Bad. Whenever I think of how the MCU started with Iron Man fighting … his boss? On a random street in NYC or something? I’ll remember how The Fantastic Four walked so Iron Man could run. Never in my life have I seen a more small potatoes battle than The Fantastic Four and Dr. Doom fighting over … I don’t know, control of a company or something maybe? Continuing having powers? Unclear really.
  • You know what, I’ll leave it there since this is already pretty long. As for some positives. As hammy as it all is I thought the acting was very game for the story they were telling. The film is pretty entertaining and goes at a quick pace. And as I said, Chris Evans is so charming it is no wonder they needed to fold him into the MCU elsewhere.
  • Solid Product Placement (What?) for the X Games in general which also ends with a lingering scene outside of the venue with huge billboards advertising Mountain Dew and junk. Solid Setting as a Character (Where?) for NYC where half of all superhero films are set. This is closest to BMT, just an undeniably entertaining garbage film.

I’ll leave the review for The Fantastic Four (1995) for the sequel review. Check out the big finale of the Brundlefly Jr. Saga in the two part Fantastic Four sequels in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Arthur 2: On the Rocks Recap

Jamie

Why are we watching the sequel to Arthur this year? It does deserve some elaboration. We’ve played with meta themes the last few years. We had 90’s galore. We had future films. It’s really rooted in figuring out a good way to synthesize the BMT story with the penultimate Bring a Friend cycle. It’s an elaborate yearlong project and probably the unheralded achievement of our generation. So what is the theme this year? Arthur. It’s a big ol’ birthday for our dad this year and this kicks it off. Only makes sense that it starts with Arthur 2: On the Rocks. Not only does he rock, but this is really the only extremely straightforward film in the metacycle. The rest are built on Patrick’s research project involving the New York Times TV listings and so the “Daddio” films that are upcoming are mostly just a mix of films that aired on his birthday over the years. So sit back, pop some popping corn, and enjoy watching a somewhat annoying drunk person.

To recap, Arthur is back, Jack! And he’s drunker than ever. When his wife reveals that she can’t have children they gear up for adoption. But being a drunk asshole doesn’t mix with adoption so he has to tone it down. He does, that is until his family sells off the company to his archenemy, Burt Johnson, who takes all his money away and demands Arthur divorce Linda and marry his daughter Susan instead. Uh oh! He refuses (because that’s insane) and they end up broke. First they end up with Linda’s father, but Burt buys up the building and forces them out (ha!). Then Arthur finds a job, but Burt buys the company and gets him fired (haha!). Foiled at every turn, Linda fears about their chances at adoption and after getting a visit from Susan decides that the best thing for Arthur is for him to be free to marry Susan and get his money back. Devastated Arthur goes back to drinking and ends up homeless (hahaha!). He hits total rock bottom and has a vision of his dead butler Hobson, who tells him not to give up (for his fambly). Arthur puts his nose to the grindstone and sniffs out a bunch of dirt on Burt, but when he confronts him with it he is simply laughed at. Burt don’t care. Burt is immune babbbyyyy. He’s also ready to straight murder Arthur (hahahahaha!). At the last moment, though, Susan has a change of heart. She turns the tables on her father and threatens to reveal his many affairs unless he gives Arthur his money back. Now rich again Arthur returns to Linda and they get a new adopted baby, but that’s not all! Linda’s pregnant too! Awwwww. THE END

I did really enjoy the first film, although I often found Arthur himself a boor. I was also kind of thrown by how straightforward the film is. It’s love at first sight for him and Liza Minelli and that’s really all you need to grapple with. All that said, the butler was very funny, there were some good gags here and there, and Dudley Moore is an entertainer so he was entertaining even if I didn’t like his character. This of course is all thrown out the window for the sequel which plays a lot more like a spoof of Arthur than anything else. Really, everything about the film is unpleasant. Struggling to adopt. Homelessness. Unemployment. All of it screams that they should think of something (anything!) funnier. They also just rehashed the main crux of the first film (Arthur will be/is poor) even when it didn’t make any sense. Why is the girl from the first film still obsessed with Arthur? He is a drunk… isn’t there some boring rich guy she can marry? But no, she’s so crazy in the second film you have to assume there is something deranged about her. That is until she turns around and becomes totally normal at the very end of the film. All of it is bizarre.

Hot Take Clam Bake! This revelation is going to be really hard on Arthur and Linda’s marriage but I have to get it off my chest. Linda, it’s pretty obvious that Arthur originally asked you out just to make his parents mad. Your marriage is built on lies. Let me lay it out for you. Arthur is told by his father that if he doesn’t marry Susan he will lose all his money, he agrees, and then that afternoon he is seen sadly buying expensive clothes and openly talking about how he’s just doing it to make his father angry. That very moment he sees you, a mildly attractive person (beautiful on the inside, but he wouldn’t know that), shoplifting. He then bails you out and asks you on a date. Anything suspicious about that series of events? Lies! It’s all lies! He never expected to realize that Linda is all that (and a bag of potato chips). No sir. He just wanted to make his dad mad. Hot Take Temperature: Classic Habanero. 

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Arthur 2: On the Rocks? More like Arthur 2: Also Sucks, amirite?! RUN IT BACK. Let’s go!

  • Probably worth talking about the original first. The original is delightful. Surprising that it was an Oscar winner. Double surprising Dudley Moore himself got nominated. But still, a delight, and once you get past the first scene (which is Arthur at his most grating) the rest is easy breezy and quite fun and funny. It calls back to the days when you could make a self-contained comedy and get nominated for an Oscar and then forget about it … for eight years that is.
  • Ah, this film. The primary issue with this film is it isn’t funny. The secondary issue is that it is often profoundly sad and doesn’t seem to realize it. The tertiary issue is it is a waste, but honestly the first two issues pretty much cover it.
  • I was listening to a podcast about the movie Stripes the other day and I realized precisely what the issue with this film is. Stripes is notorious for its bizarre and downright bad third act set in Eastern Europe. I don’t remember where I heard it, but someone once said that the third act of Stripes is actually Stripes 2, they just tacked it onto Stripes. It makes sense. The first film is about basic training and learning what it means to be in the military and ends with the great Razzle Dazzle dance and the recruits passing their exam and going off to be part of the US military. The sequel is about them single handedly winning the Cold War in a winnebago and everyone hates it. It is a perfect analogy.
  • Here, the argument would go: Arthur 2 exists because it was the original third act of Arthur, but they cut it to make an Oscar winning film. Basically the original two act movie would be: Arthur is told he must marry or get cut off, he meets Linda who he falls in love with, and the second act concludes with Arthur crashing his own wedding and breaking up with his fiance. The third act is then about Arthur and Linda trying to muddle through being poor, while Arthur’s almost-father-in-law tries and ruin Arthur’s family, but in the end Arthur’s family gets one over on the baddie, and Arthur’s grandmother decides that no Bach will be poor, so Arthur and Linda live happily ever after (and rich). The End.
  • The analogy is almost perfect. And like Stripes 2: European Theater, this film is downright bad and weird and not funny and it makes perfect sense it was panned by critics.
  • A very very New York City film for Setting as a Character (Where?). And a very very very Christmas movie for Secret Holiday Film (When?) as well. And I’ll give it a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that Arthur’s almost-fiance was actually good all along (awwwwwwwwwwww) which makes no sense. Closest to Bad, bad comedies rarely live up to BMT standards and I don’t think this one manages it.

Read about the sequel Arthur 3: Dark Money in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Killer Elite Recap

Jamie

After waking up from my Killer Elite induced slumber, I was trying to remember why we wanted to watch this in the first place. In some part it was because we needed to connect through Amsterdam and Robert De Niro was sitting right there for us. Hard to pass up a screen legend when you have a chance to get him in the Chain. But really we can all admit it’s really because this film had not one, but two different slang terms for “good” in the title. It was both killer and elite… in reality it was neither, but we just simply had to watch it for the Good Movie Cycle. So to sum it up, we are on quite the streak of films that were picked entirely based on their title. Fresh Horses was all about dem horses… Killer Elite was all about words that make the film sound “good” when in fact the film is not good. Great.

To recap, Jason Statham is an elite killer. After a job goes wrong and he kills a target in front of their daughter, he decides to call it quits. Fast forward a year and he’s living his best life in Australia spending QT with his GF. But uh oh! Looks like he’s getting pulled back into the game. That’s because his best friend/elderly person Robert De Niro got caught up in a big money job to kill some elite British killers. Seeing that they were just too elite for his blood, he tried to pull out, but the uber wealthy Omani isn’t having any of that. Statham is like “fine, I’ll do it” and assembles a team. They go about creating elaborate situations in which their targets are killed, but it looks like an accident, and also they admit on camera that they indeed killed the people they are accused of killing. It’s so elaborate and nonsensical you would think we were watching Mechanic: Resurrection… but we aren’t. It’s not that elaborate. Anyway, in the course of getting information they begin to be tracked by the Feather Men, a group that influences British policy with a light touch. Clive Owen is tasked with tracking them. By the time they get to the last target Statham is under constant surveillance. This will be their most elaborate scheme yet! Turns out it’s a bit too elaborate because pretty much everyone dies. Although Statham is able to get the target and fake a confession. He gets Boddy D out and he heads home. THE END… psych! We got one last super elaborate killing left! The writer of the books that the film is based on also needs a good killing. Statham gets his scheme on, but ends up faking the final death. Why? Cause he’s just like… done, man. Done with elite killing. Clive Owen is like “fuck that,” and goes and tattles on him, kills the Omani, and takes the money. Statham catched up with him just to tell him “I’m done with elite killing, so don’t mess with me again,” and he goes back to Australia for more QT with the GF. THE END.

I just couldn’t deal with this movie. It’s a “very serious” version of Mechanic: Resurrection that runs far too long and has Dominic Purcell as the fourth lead… fourth! Not interested. That’s a hard pass from me. That’s even giving the film some credit for having some pretty good action scenes. I can definitely believe that there are fans of this movie and it has a surprisingly high IMDb rating to prove it.  I’m just not one of them. I do have to shout out Robert De Niro for taking a role where he’s barely on screen and the premise of his character is “I really wanted a big paycheck so I agreed to something, but when I realized what it was I tried to back out, but they won’t let me, so now I’m being held captive until all this is over.” That’s some meta shit, Bobby.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Imagine a world where Statham is like “I’m good,” and leaves De Niro. He gives into the scheme far too easily and for what? Old man rivers who at like 70 years old couldn’t help but get wrapped up in this bullshit? Nope. No. Stay in Australia and have a great time with your GF. Don’t need the money, don’t need the headache. As a result a dozen people aren’t dead as a bonus… except for De Niro. He is definitely killed. But that’s his problem. Hot Take Temperature: Carolina Reaper.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Killer Elite? More like Barely Complete, amirite? A true murders row of British people who you remember used to be quite famous in the early 2010s (and Robert De Niro somehow). Let’s go!

  • Is Jason Statham still a movie star? Let’s investigate. He has a movie coming out this very week, that’s a check in the movie-star box. That movie is something I’ve never heard of, so let’s put that in the not-movie-star box. But then again, it has already made $30 million internationally … so maybe he’s an international movie star still? He made The Meg in 2018, and was still hanging around the Fast & Furious franchise as well … I think he’s still a movie star.
  • Just peeked at his upcoming slate though. The Meg 2, Fast X, Spy 2, and The Expendables 4?! Yeah definitely still a movie star. Jesus.
  • Clive Owen isn’t though, he’s kind of slowly ended up being a prestige television star.
  • And at age 79 Robert De Niro is … somehow. I mean, when he’s not playing a grandpa in bad comedies.
  • I guess the point is this: once upon a time this was an eye popping cast. Like: Statham, De Niro, and Clive Owen! Wowza. That level. Now? It feels like an odd relic of a time long ago.
  • Oh it should be pointed out that the most amusing bit of this entire movie is that it is based on a book, and that 100% of people involved in the real incidents being discussed basically call it a load of crap and hate the guy who wrote it. The guy who wrote it is a character in the film, and … I don’t know, it is really bizarre. Go read his biography. He’s Ralph Fiennes’s distant cousin or something and was at one point dismissed from the army for trying to blow up the set of the Doctor Doolittle musical from the 60s. It is insane and the only thing interesting about this film.
  • A few of the action scenes are fun. Like running through the tunnels of bees and stuff. That is probably the bread and butter of the film.
  • But the acting is terrible, the writing is terrible, and I feel like the direction (outside of action) is also sub-par. It is a sub-par movie, and pretty boring to boot.
  • I did vaguely like the story of Statham’s childhood friend turned lover in Australia. If only because it gave me the phrase “girl in the red gumboots” which I can use places like the Quiz. That’ll be a gift that will keep on giving … for a month, then I’ll forget about this movie forever.
  • I have to give a Setting as a Character (Where?) to Yemen, I’m surprised it has never come up before. Wait, should I add it to the map … I guess I should. For a film about revenge and conspiracies and secret societies there is shockingly little in the way of a MacGuffin. Closest to Bad, just boring nonsense.

Check out the continuing adventures of Brundlefly Jr. in Killer Elite 2: The Boy in the Red Gumboots. I told you I was going to get some mileage out of that. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Fresh Horses Recap

Jamie

These horses are f-f-f-f-fresh. Funky Fresh. Never before has such a thin concept gone so far for BMT. The mere name of this film, Fresh Horses, is so weird that it stopped Patrick in his tracks and he insisted we watch. What made these horses so fresh, we wondered. And it was a tricky spot. Films from the 80’s not only significantly predate any of your favorite online databases (obviously), but the box office was like a wee little babe at that point. The data is sparse. So it’s hard enough knowing if a film is actually bad… but you also have to wonder whether it was even a wide release film. Was Fresh Horses deserving of being BMT? Who cares! These horses are fresh. Funky Fresh Horses. Welcome to FFH. We’ve rebranded.

To recap, Matt is a Richy Rich… or at least comparatively rich for Cincinnati. After getting engaged he becomes increasingly unhappy with his course in life. He decides to head down to Kentucky where there are no rulez and he meets Jewel. He is instantly obsessed. She seems so naive and pure (like a horse… a totally fresh horse) and he runs away from everything to be with her. Turns out he probably needs therapy, but whatevs! YOLO! Every time things seem like they are so pure and beautiful in their love there is some new speedbump in their way. Jewel is married?! Gah! Jewel might be 16 years old?! Gosh darn it. Jewel is mildly bored by Matt’s potential career choice of board game design?! Worst one yet! Eventually things spiral so far out of control that Matt decides he has to call things quits and he goes off for some fun with girls from his University. Discovered by Jewel and realizing he was just trying to hurt her, he gives the relationship one more go. But when he gets into a scuffle with Jewel’s husband they decide to officially break up. A year later they meet in Cincinnati and Matt finds that Jewel has left her husband, gone back to school and has a new beau. He’s happy for her and just as he turns away he mentions how he never did give her his real name. She asks what it is and he says, “Milton.. Milton Bradley.” THE END.

Alright, fine, that last part didn’t happen. But that would have been fresh. Funky fresh. This is a bit of a nothing film other than portraying some real wild stuff as if it’s just a normal, everyday coming-of-age tale. Weird stuff happens in real life, so perhaps this is par for the course for some, but you can’t help but be knocked back a couple steps when the characters keep upping the ante on Jewel and Matt is like “don’t care, I love her.” You probably don’t, bro. The only things that seem worth much in the film is an early turn by Ben Stiller, a stellar showing by Cincinnati, and an ending that feels a little like the second After film. How would a relationship like this end? Probably the college kid would reorient and get back on the path to his normal career and maybe the girl would end up turning her life around without him. They would not end up together… and they don’t. This isn’t a good film, it’s a weird film. Which is better than bad.

Hot Take Clam Bake! You know what, I think these kids are going to make it. The film tells you they are well on their way to leading fulfilling lives away from each other. I say no! I say they see each other that one day and Matt is like “Wow, Jewel is looking great and is now kind of a brainiac like me.” and Jewel is like “Wow, Matt is looking great and he’s not some lost weirdo anymore.” Soon he hears through the grapevine that she’s single again. “You wanna catch a flick?” he asks. Tim Burton’s Batman sounds like it’s good. She agrees. They end up back at his place where, what’s this? She is suddenly interested in his burgeoning board game career? And hold up, did she just make a suggestion on how to change the rules… and the game is now better? Oh, they’re passing Go and they’re collecting $200 (if you know what I mean). Hot Take Temperature: US Grade Police Pepper Spray.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! It’s f-f-f-f-f-f-f-funky fresh horses. Brother … those horses? They’re super fresh. Let’s go!

  • Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh what’s this now? Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh what did we just watch now? And not in a “this film is wild kind of way”, but in a “I forgot people used to make films like this, that they would be released widely to theaters, that they would be panned by critics, and that they would play constantly on television … and then people would just forget this film existed?”
  • To point number one: I’ve been collecting data from the New York Times on television listings. Fresh Horses? All over the place in 1990. Played on television 15 times. That is as much as 55 other films from 1988 (already alarming …). Was Fresh Horses a top 60ish film in 1988? Not by gross, but by theatrical count it was for sure (as a matter of fact by that metric it was 57th versus 56th by television plays …). Is the number of times it played on television a proxy for theatrical counts? If so, could something like this be used for years where there isn’t good data on theatrical count? Interesting questions all around.
  • Oh, am I avoiding talking about this film? I couldn’t tell.
  • This film is really weird. I would say it is very well acted. I would say that the story is told well. The direction is at least adequate, although perhaps hardly spectacular (but it is adapting a stage play, so a difficult task). The writing seems solid. The issue just seems to be that they took a stage play with challenging ideas and … that’s it. There is something lost in translation. The weighty bit of the script: him falling in love with a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. That girl turning out to be 16 years old. That girl coming from an abusive background. That girl being married. That girl also maybe being a liar, but then again the undercurrent of her constantly being trapped by horrible men in a terrible situation, and then maybe it’s those men who are lying both to themselves and Andrew McCarthy to protect themselves. That’s a challenge. It sounds like a play. I think Ringwald and McCarthy handle the material well, but ultimately the film feels like a nothing film.
  • Is it because it feels like this pulls the punch at the end? Are there consequences at the end of this film? It feels like ultimately Jewel gets out of her situation (or is she perhaps duping another “high class” guy after using McCarthy to get her annulment? These are the questions), McCarthy moves up north to become a chemical engineer, his friend lives happily ever after. So … what was the consequence? McCarthy got beat up once and broke up with his rich fiancee. He may have had a fight with his family. That’s about it. I was fully expecting to watch McCarthy ruin his life. Either by following Jewel down a dark and dangerous path, or literally getting killed attempting to “save her”. I’m glad he didn’t, but at the same time is the film “less than” because it leaves things so unchanged? It feels like a stage play basically. That feels like a problem.
  • I’m surprised I have so much to say, but it was a weird film.
  • Shout out to Product Placement (What?) for White Castle, a solid addition to our BMT fast food product placement pantheon. Definite Setting as a Character (Where?) for the Cincinnati / Kentucky border which underscores the entire central dynamic of the film. I’ll leave it with that. This is closest to Bad easily I think, just because it is boring and I would never ever ever watch it again.

Read all about the sequel Fresher Horses in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Money Train Recap

Jamie

Money Train! Now this… this is a movie. It’s a Wonderful Life? Bah! That ain’t nothing. When it’s Xmas I wan’t one thing and one thing only: Money Train. The Train is filled with money. Are you following me? It’s especially filled with money on New Year’s Eve… get it? Our boys are one half karate master and one half dopey gambling addict. Guess what happens next? It’s Money Train. More like BMT Train choo choo. All aboard.

Let’s recap, it’s Money Train choo choo all aboard. Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson are brothers. Both are transit cops in NYC running sting operations to take down muggers. When one of the operations go south and the special force used to protect the “money train” blows away a kid, they get in hot water with the captain who just wants to protect dat money. We learn that Harrelson is a fuck-up, always getting bailed out by Snipes. His latest fuck-up is going deep in debt to the mob, but Snipes promises they’ll get paid back. Meanwhile, they get assigned a new partner, JLo, who is looking hot and steamy. Through the holidays there are all kinds of shenanigans. Harrelson gets and promptly loses all the money needed to pay off the mob. Snipes and JLo have a steamy tryst which makes Harrelson sad. They learn a bunch about the money train and how one might steal from it (which is helpful to the audience who will, spoiler alert, have to follow such a heist later in the film). Finally they track down and explode a serial arsonist called The Torch (word). That last part, particularly the part where they explode a criminal, gets Harrelson and Snipes fired. Harrelson decides to rob the money train but just can’t help but tip off Snipes who runs to his rescue. Just when things are looking real bad for Harrelson, Snipes shows up and they are off and running trying to escape. It’s a big time climax where the captain does a bunch of illegal stuff that can get people killed while Snipes and Harrelson figure a way to prevent their money train from destroying everything in its path like a glorious money torpedo. They finally are able to trip up the train and just as it derails they jump to another train and make their escape. We finish with them arguing about the money gearing up for Money Train 2: It’s a Boat Now (sadly, not the case). THE END.

I LOVED THE MOVIE. It is crazy bonkers. Robert Blake is the craziest antagonist this side of the Mississippi and yet everyone pretends all the crazy stuff that is happening is no big deal… just a normal day in Money Train land. It’s perfect. Even the parts that aren’t perfect are perfect. Like Harrelson looks like a crazy person and the idea that he would look at JLo and be like “Yo, Snipes, clear out,” is glorious. Snipes learning that his brother fucked up with the mob so his solution is to go into their strip club and beat them all up with kung fu (a skill never used before or after by the character) is glorious. Did I mention JLo looking so good that they should have stopped the movie and been like “uh, she’s the star, right? Like what are we doing? Get everyone out of here, JLo is now the star.” Glorious. BMT perfection and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Speaking of JLo, what is she doing with these bozos? Sure, Snipes is looking great in this film. I would guess this might even be peak Snipes. But still, you’re a NYC transit cop. What are you doing rooting for Snipes and his fuck-up brother to rob the money train? Arrest those fools, get a much cooler boyfriend, and keep being a great cop. This is the big problem with the film. I don’t root for bad guys. This is why Money Train 2 would have to be JLo going undercover with the FBI to nab Snipes and Harrelson. But then at the very end she lets them go, only to have Money Train 3 be a twist-em-up where the FBI comes to her and is like “there is this terrorist group transporting guns on their gun train, do you know anyone who could stop them? Any train robbers?” and JLo is like “uh, cha… I just might know a couple people.” And then in the end they are all about fambly and shit… wait, what was I talking about? Hot Take Temperature: Banana Pepper.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Chooooooo choooooooo you sound like a big ol’ Money Train. Let’s go!

  • Helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllls yeah.
  • Money train baby! Let’s see.
  • Christmas movie. CHECK. This is an incredible Christmas movie. The entire movie takes place almost in the week between Christmas and New Years complete with Christmas decorations and gifts and a white Christmas in New York.
  • New Years movie. CHECK. This is also amazingly an incredible New Years movie. Dare I say it? It is the BEST New Years movie. The movie pretty much ends right at the New Year. The New Year plays a huge role in the plot. The movie ends in Times Square itself! I think this is it. I think I will watch this movie every New Years and time it so that our heroes pop out of the subway and into Times Square at precisely midnight.
  • Train movie. CHECK. Choo choo mother f-er, that’s the sound of a ludicrous looking NYC money train. It’s got beefy guards. It’s got bars on the windows. And it’s got millions of dollars ready to be robbed by our no good gambling addict hero. Choo choo!
  • Sorry boys, but that’s the triple threat. We have a leader in the best BMT of the year in the club house. And I honestly would be a little shocked to see it supplanted.
  • I didn’t like Woody Harrelson very much in this. There was something a little off with him. Maybe he isn’t a very believable New Yorker? Maybe. I kept on thinking you needed someone who was more of a fuck up due to being an addict you know? Harrelson was channeling his Cheers character and seemed like a fuck up because he was a moron. All the way down to his terrible heist plan.
  • Wesley Snipes was a bit of a revelation on the other hand. I didn’t much like him in Rising Sun. It felt like instead of giving him a character they just expected Snipes to act as himself mostly. In this though I thought he was great. Very charismatic and his chemistry with J-Lo was also great. Also he’s a really good martial artist and they knew how to showcase that.
  • And J-Lo was great. It isn’t a wonder that she was one of the main strong points that critics pointed to even in the bad reviews.
  • The entire plot is ludicrous, but that’s what you want. You want it to basically be The Rock. Don’t overthink these things.
  • The major flaw in the film I think was the entire arsonist storyline. There is a tighter script here where the person they are chasing is instead a guy they think is going to rob the Money Train. And the entire time Harrelson is talking about how easy it would be to rob it, so this guy isn’t going to be some mastermind. He’s going to be an idiot with nothing to lose … and then they end up finding the guy dead or something. And Harrelson gets fired and realizes he can basically pull off the heist himself since no one knows the real culprit is dead. Suddenly the B-plot and the A-plot converge and that’s the beauty of a heist film right? I think it’s better at least. The arsonist storyline is just stupid.
  • A decent Product Placement (What?) for some very conspicuous Budweiser placement. A very very Setting as a Character (Where?) for New York City, all the way down to the very real (apparently) money train. A double dose of Secret Holiday Film (When?) for both Christmas and New Years. Wait, is this an A+ MacGuffin (Why?) for the titular Money Train? Borderline but I’ll give it to them. And this is so BMT it came around and because even more BMT!

Check out the sequel Money Train 2: Offline in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Wizard Recap

Jamie

Caaaallliiiffffooooorrrrnnniiiaaaaa. Appropriate as I write this post from that very state. I too was inexorably drawn by the power of video games. Yet when I got here I realized it was never about being a super video game wizard (although certainly a perk), but rather, as Vinny D would say, fambly. *Sniff* It’s beautiful. It’s all somewhat ironic too as the phrase “Caaaalllliiiiffffoooooorrrrnniiiaaaa,” is probably second only to “I love my power glove. It’s so bad” as the quote from the film that has lived on in infamy. Yet California is barely in the film. We get a heaping dose of Utah and then really spend some QT with the GF in Nevada. From there it is like they teleport to Universal Studios. If you grew up with this film you must have imagined California was just a giant theme park where kids grumble about the unfairness of having to battle each other in hotly anticipated video game releases. But California isn’t like that… it isn’t like that at all. I do the research so you don’t have to.

To recap, Jimmy Woods is a boy who is struggling with the death of his twin sister. He barely speaks and spends his time either building elaborate architectural creations or attempting to walk to Caaallliiifffooorrrnnniaaaaa. His stepdad is naturally a horrible caricature dead set on locking the kid away, but Jimmy’s brother Corey won’t have any of that. He grabs Jimmy and sets out for Caaaallliiffffooorrrnnniiiaaa. Their parents are horrified. The dad sets out with their older son in search, while the mom hires an equally horrible caricature of a private investigator to get them back. This leads to numerous clashes between the two all while Corey and Jimmy attempt to find their way out of Utah. Stumbling upon Haley, a girl trying to get home to Reno, they realize that Jimmy is a video game wizard. His natural talents earn them money hustling locals at arcade machines while also pointing them towards the big video game championships in Caaalllliifffooorrrnniiiaa. Why? Because if Jimmy wins the big championship even a horrible caricature of a stepdad couldn’t convince anyone to lock him up. They run into all kinds of trouble, including a local video game legend named Luke who gives them a taste of the Power Glove (it’s so bad) and exactly what the competition at the championships will be like. When they finally arrive in Reno they are able to do a little training and scrape together the funds for the final push to Caaallliiifffooorrnniaaa. At the championships all the worlds collide as they witness Jimmy rise to the finals and ultimately grab the crown. Everyone agrees he can’t be locked up and on the way home they see a roadside dinosaur attraction that the family went to before. Stopping there they realize this is where Jimmy has been aiming the whole time and the wizard is able to finally heal. THE END. 

The Wizard is a funny little movie. The production quality is like an episode of 90210. I use that comparison only because, like in The Wizard, it’s one or the few times that I’ve seen a boom mic drop into frame in the wild. It also cuts forward so fast (even cutting the score midsequence sometimes) that you wonder what kind of editing magic was happening. You add in the unintentional comedy of the Power Glove, a truly insane product placement back story, and some incredible acting choices in the video game competition and you have a minor classic on your hands. I found it interesting that the reviews at the time were very critical of this being an exploitative knockoff of Rain Man and Tommy (but for kids!) but I guess I wonder… is that really a bad thing? Speaking of…

Hot Take Clam Bake! Are we sure making knockoffs of classic films for kids is really a bad thing? Like should I be worried about the artistic purity of a Casablanca knockoff set in a high school? Give it to me. I will eat up any and all high school versions of whatever classic film you give me. High school films are great, coming-of-age stories are great. They don’t make enough of them really. I dare you to watch She’s All That and come away thinking anything other than “that movie was all that and a bag of potato chips. Give me more potato chip movies so I can munch ‘em all up.” The fact that The Wizard is a knockoff of Rain Man and/or Tommy is dope. Hot Take Temperature: Bulgarian Carrot.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Caaaaaaaaalifoooooooooornia. That’s right, after suffering that traumatic event of witnessing The Wizard (and the raw power of the Power Glove, it’s so bad), I have an insatiable need to go to Universal Studios. Let’s go!

  • I watched this film a ton when I was younger. As usual I make no apologies. I like this movie. It is pure nostalgia. I don’t care though, what a silly nonsense movie this is. I would watch it again right now.
  • But boy howdy, do I agree with Roger Ebert: are we sure we should be watching a film in which two (and eventually three) literal children are hitchhiking their way across three states (and like multiple deserts right?) to get to … I mean, initially they just want to get to California, whatever that means. Eventually they decide that they’ve got a video game prodigy on their hands and they are going to make the money their families need to heal (or whatever) at the maybe first ever Video Game Championships in Universal Studios, Lunacy. And even being a little older than I was watching this film most of the time (let’s say like 11?) it is harrowing watching children narrowly avoid dying on highways and junk. What a weird movie.
  • The one two punch of product placement for both The Power Glove (and explicitly Super Mario 3) and Universal Studios is also something else.
  • The stories from wikipedia are fun. Like how the director was told to shoot EVERYTHING in the script. And he’s like “but … then the movie will be three hours. It’ll be a huge waste of money since we’ll have to throw it all out”. But the producers were just like “do it.” So he did … and they cut it down and wasted a boatload of time and money. But that probably is why the film ends up all cut to shit in the end is that huge swaths of boring filler garbage was eventually cut out. Release the Universal Cut you cowards! I want to watch The Wizard as a 3 hour epic.
  • Still to this day I tell random people that I love my Power Glove, and how bad it is. This film has a very weird cult following, but it is also amazing.
  • How does the kid know where to find the secret flute in an unreleased game? Well, maybe because it was already released in Japan months prior? Naw, that can’t be it because then Haley would have been excited instead of angry since they would have been able to know the tricks of the game by calling the hotline in Reno. So since they definitely didn’t know the trick the answer must be … magic I guess? I don’t see how anyone finds that flute the first time you play the game organically. No matter how much of a savant you are, that seems to be pushing it.
  • Obviously an incredible Product Placement (What?) for Nintendo, Super Mario 3, The Power Glove, and Universal Studios. Truly awesome. A great Road Trip Film (Where?) for the kids going from Utah through Nevada to California. A subtle yet I think real MacGuffin (Why?) for Caaaaaaaalifornia as no one really knows why they are going there, and yet it is the central driving force for the film.

Read all about the 35 years in the making sequel The Wizard 2 in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Firestarter (2022) Recap

Jamie

I usually start these posts with a little anecdote. Maybe I’d talk about all the remakes of movies that we forgot we ever watched (looking at you, Flatliners). Or maybe I’d mention how Firestarter brings together two BMT legends for the first time, Stephen King and Zac Efron. Or maybe I’d talk about how Firestarter is part of the recent return to the theaters for films that just a year ago would almost definitely have gone directly to a streamer. That last point is so so important. It really could change the near BMT future dramatically… the House Party remake just got a theatrical release for God’s sake. But no, I won’t mention any of those things. There are only two words that are worthy of Firestarter (2022). Two words that would usually end the post: dog poo.

To recap, Zac Efron and his wife participated in a college drug test fo’ cash that left them with supernatural abilities. They attempt to hide from the baddies that did this to them and use their powers as little as possible, but things are getting out of hand with their daughter, Charlie, who was born with abilities many times more powerful than their own. After a particularly… fiery outburst she ends up… blowing their cover. Another superhuman named Rainbird is sent by the shady government agency who did the experiments to find them, but Charlie is able to fireball him into submission and she and Efron are able to escape (the wife, alas, is not). Now on the run they encounter numerous zany characters. Check out this horrible mean alcoholic man with a paralyzed wife! It’s a laugh-a-minute jaunt across the country as they literally torch animals to death (come on guys, that’s the only thing you can’t do on television). Our main man Efron is captured and the baddies use him to lure Charlie to the sleek government facility where they aim to capture her. But, uh oh! She’s more powerful than they possibly imagined. She continues the trend of making us hate her by torching a man who is on the phone with his pregnant wife (it’s all so unnecessary) before ultimately killing her father in an act of mercy. She burns the facility to the ground and collapses outside where Rainbird picks her up and carries her away to presumably regroup as the supervillain duo: Fire & Rain. THE END.

Wow, this is dog poo. This is next level dog poo. I hated this film. It is horrible. The original is a decent movie and then it seemed like they looked at that and changed everything for the worse. I don’t say this lightly but… I can’t believe I wasted my time watching this shit. What am I doing? Why did I do this? It’s always weird when a last second movie swoops in and has a shot at winning a coveted Smaddie Baddie… somehow feels wrong. I remember that came up regarding Cats. It was a question whether we could really give the top prize to the last film of the year? Feels like recency bias. I’ll have to look back at 2022, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this came out on top for the Strange Wilderness award. That’s how dog poo this was. Gross.

Hot Take Clam Bake! It’s really not that bad. JK. It is that bad. My hot take is really that the girl needed to die. They set it all up. She’s growing stronger. She’s killing innocent cats. She seeks out a man with a pregnant wife so she can steal his key card and torch him, leaving his wife a widow and his unborn child fatherless. Some rando IT people are literally begging her to spare them and she doesn’t. By the end they set her up as a weapon that will likely end the world if she can’t control her power. And yet there she walks away in Rainbird’s arms at the end? No. Rainbird needs to take a page out of the OG Rainbird’s book and karate chop her across the bridge of the nose. Narratively it’s the only choice. It’s what the director clearly wants. Oh, and my literal hot take (but it’s actually a cold take) is that they needed at least 50 more full body burn practical stunts in this film. Firestarter is a nonstarter for me without full body burns. Let’s get rid of this CGI bullshit and go back to the real thing. Hot Take Temperature: Tabasco Pepper.

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Firestarter? I hardly knew’er! Amirite? Again?! Let’s go!

  • This movie ain’t that bad. It’s horrendous.
  • Dog poo in my face. Somehow off the top rope I genuinely think this is the worst film of 2022.
  • It looks like crap.
  • It is an abomination as far as the source material goes.
  • It is an abomination as far as the original adaptation goes.
  • Everything they change is for the worse.
  • Is the worst thing that they took John Rainbird and made him vaguely into a good guy? Wait, I can hear you say, they couldn’t have done that. John Rainbird? The guy who wants to smash Charlie’s face in order to gain powers in the afterlife? Genuine insane person John Rainbird? He’s now a broken anti-hero who also has powers. Get the f outta town.
  • Is the worst thing that they took the number one most interesting thing about the original (The Shop) and made it into a ten minute sequence of Charlie walking through a few hallways and then burning it down? Instead of a creepy mansion in the middle of nowhere it is now a giant concrete building (I think in Boston)? Soulless garbage.
  • Is the worst thing that they posit that Charlie learns to be the Firestarter, the twisted Firestarter, in about an hour in the woods in a half-hearted montage? You heard that right, all that good stuff of the experiments, and the blocks of ice, and the mysterious explanation of how Charlie harnesses her power … right in the bin, who gives a shit right? Instead Charlie burns a cat to death and a few leaves et voila, she’s the twisted firestarter.
  • Hell, is the worst thing just that you see the mother’s death? That the farmer’s character is ruined? That they’ve mixed up all the powers? That everyone’s powers are mushy nonsense now? That the scientist character is barely there? That the leader of The Shop has like four lines total? That they had to make the family Neoluddites for anything to make sense?
  • There isn’t much else to say. This is probably my least favorite film of the year. What an unexpected twist that was.
  • I think it is a Setting as a Character (Where?) for Western Massachusetts? It is kind of hard to tell, but they are hiding out somewhere rural and they keep on mentioning wanting to go to Boston. And Worst Twist (How?) for the obvious (given the original) semi-twist that Charlie’s dad is going to make her burn The Shop to the ground. Definitely 100% closest to Bad, I did not like this film and will take pleasure in never watching it again.

Read about Firestarter PD, the CBS procedural crime show starring John Rainbird and his group of magical teenagers. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Firestarter (1984) Recap

Jamie

This is the firestarter, the twisted firestarter. This is the trouble starter, pumpkin investigator… alright maybe I slightly changed that last part. I feel like I can just spend this whole spot on Firestarter by The Prodigy lyrics (both right and wrong) since the primary post is for the 2022 remake and I’ll talk about all the Stephen King, remake, Zac Efron boringness there. Here I can just mention how I’m the fear addicted, a danger illustrated and get on with it. Really dive in on how I’m the pain you tasted, fell intoxicated and all that. Just normal things normal people say… the self inflicted, mind detonator, yeah.

To recap, Andy and his daughter Charlie are on the run from some G-men. They both have powers (Andy psychic and Charlie pyrokinetic) and use these to escape and find their way to a kindly old man’s farm. We learn in flashback that Charlie and his wife were part of a college experiment that went awry (or went as planned, I guess) and they’ve been living under the watch of the government ever since. Unfortunately, Charlie is growing stronger and The Shop decides it’s time to bring her in and see what she can do. Maybe they can even relaunch the program. Back in the present, as they try to snatch them from the farm, Charlie lights the G-men ablaze and they escape once again. Realizing just how powerful she is, The Shop sends an assassin named Rainbird after them. He tracks them to a small lake house and is able to subdue them. At The Shop they keep Andy drugged while testing Charlie. Rainbird takes it upon himself to befriend Charlie under the guise of a kind janitor. His plan seems real gross, but don’t worry, he explains that really he just wants to eventually lull Charlie into a sense of security so he can karate chop her in the face to death. Phew. That’s better. Eventually Andy is able to overcome the drugs and sets up a plan to get Charlie and him out of there. Unfortunately Rainbird catches wind of it and kills Andy before they can escape. When he tries to kill Charlie she is able to stop the bullets and create Rainbird flambe out of him. She then leaves The Shop and numerous people charred ruins in her wake. She arrives back at the kindly farmer’s house who helps her get to the newspaper so that she can reveal The Shop’s sins. THE END.

Unexpectedly decent is how I would describe this film. I didn’t have much hope at the start. David Keith is there with a crazy bushy mullet and George C. Scott appears to be playing a Native American character. He looks like Steven Seagal… and like Steven Seagal now, not from the 90’s. Barrymore is still very young and it almost looks like a TV movie. All this probably has you thinking it’s horrible. But it’s really not. It has some nice scenery and cuts pretty close to what is a good King book. Then we get to the big finish and really I was pretty impressed. Lots of stunts. Lots of fire. I thought the ending was a bunch of fun. So it ultimately kind of delivered. Add in a few more Rainbird face chops and I would have been a happy camper. Not the worst at all. So really what’s the worst that can happen with a remake, right?… Right?

Hot Take Clam Bake! That big story that Charlie is shopping around about The Shop? Ain’t gonna work, bro. What are you gonna do walk in there and say “check out my powers?” Cause there ain’t other evidence you have. The Shop is burned down. Even if it wasn’t I’m sure it technically doesn’t exist anyway. The college drug test your dad did? Scrubbed clean. You have to show dem powers and it’s gonna be real scary. They will not know what to do with you which means you’ll be right back in a bigger and badder Shop. Now you don’t even have Rainbird to karate chop his way in there and save you… you killed him… which is what everyone else will assume you are aiming to do to them. Now you got two choices: become America’s weapon or get tranquilized till you can’t use your powers anymore. Weapon here you come. Firestarter 2: America’s Weapon here we come. Hot Take Temperature: Rocotillo.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Firestarter? I hardly knew’er! Amirite? Let’s go!

  • This movie ain’t that bad. Just a bit boring.
  • But man, young Drew Barrymore had it didn’t she! It is incredibly hard to imagine that kids like Macaulay Culkin and Drew Barrymore could exist. Genuine like 8 year old movie stars. But then again … I’m not sure either of them would necessarily say their child stardom was a good or healthy thing, so maybe we can chaulk it up to the late 80s being a wild time and just appreciate that these performances exist.
  • John Rainbird is a pretty amazing villain. Ebert mistakenly describes him as a pedophile. I don’t think he ever was in the book, and he clearly isn’t in the movie either. It is possible the scene in which Rainbird explains why he wants Charlie was added after the fact, so maybe Ebert could be forgiven, but his motivation is even more bonkers than that: he wants to karate chop Drew Barrymore in the face to gain her magic powers in the afterlife. Honestly … if that was in the movie I don’t know how Ebert could have missed it, it was a real WTF moment for me.
  • Does in media res rarely work? I can’t really recall. I think it works here, although flashbacks do a lot of heavy lifting for the first half of the film. I feel like it works here because it gives a reason for Charlie’s father to be breaking down, and brings the characters to The Shop much quicker.
  • Martin Sheen is great. Also a great villain.
  • And the idea of “bah, she’s a little girl, what could she do? We’ll just teach her and everything will be peachy keen” and the crazy Loomis-esque scientist saying “SHE COULD CRACK THE WORLD IN HALF!” works well for me. Even this movie doesn’t know how powerful the Firestarter is.
  • So yeah, I liked the movie. Even if it (1) isn’t a very good horror film if that was what it was going for, (2) it is a bit plodding, (3) the flashbacks were a bit much, and (4) it ultimately is a bit boring when taken as a whole. Still liked it.
  • I think Worst Twist (How?) for the non-twist of Charlie burning The Shop to the ground is the only (weak) superlative I would lob out there. Easily closest to Good, I liked this film.

Hear about Firestarter: The Television Series in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Jurassic World: Dominion Recap

Jamie

Bah dah dah duh duh. Bah dah dah duh duh. Like peering over the ridge at a live brachiosaurus, Patrick and I take off our sunglasses and stumble out of our BMTmobile. Welcome to Jurassic World: Dominion: The Post. When this was released to theaters I had very little interest in seeing it. Apart from what seemed like a cool feathered dino in a cold weather situation, there wasn’t much else in the trailer that grabbed my attention (and I never saw Fallen Kingdom anyway). So it was very fitting that Dominion would qualify for BMT and thus force our hands. But don’t worry, you better believe I got over the disappointment fast. Because it’s me, Franchise Guy! The guy who wants another Tom Cruise Mummy movie. You’ve been franchised!

To recap, Jurassic World is back, Jack. Remember all the stuff that happened in the first two Jurassic World films? No? Don’t worry, just know that now dinos are everywhere and also you can’t hunt them for some reason and they are being sent to live in Italy under the thumb of a big tech weirdo for science. If that’s not enough, there is a big time illegal dino trade going on and the big tech weirdo is also designing giant bugs to boost sales on… anti-giant bug crops I guess. Anyway, Claire is back and now she is an ecoterrorist shacking up with Owen raising their clone daughter. Everything has to be hush hush so you know that that clone is immediately getting kidnapped along with Blue’s raptor baby. Don’t worry, Blue, Owen promises to get that baby back. Off they jet to Malta where the two kids are picked up by the tech weirdo’s guys. Owen and Claire are a second late, but just in time to kick some smuggler’s asses, get some indoraptors set on them, and jump a jet to the tech weirdo’s compound/company. As Owen and Claire arrive, the company sets flying dinos on them and Claire uses the only parachute to get out. Owen and their new pilot buddy crash land and try to track her. Both are almost eaten by some real cool new dinos that I’m sure kids went crazy for. Meanwhile the tech weirdo is like ‘use this kid to solve our problems,’ and BD Wong basically mumbles under his breath that they are the problem. Spoiler Alert. While all this is going on Laura Dern and Sam Neill are invited out to the company by Jeff Goldblum (the cast is back, Jack). It becomes pretty clear, pretty fast that Goldblum brought them there to reveal the treachery going on. They do just that, grab the girl and skedaddle. Eventually they stumble onto Owen and Claire and everyone hugs. As the company bursts into flames (and our tech weirdo is eaten by dinos) our heroes make their grand escape. But, uh oh! There’s a big dinosaur ready to eat them. How will they survive this?! You know how: Sexy Rexy saves the day again. They all escape and the world builds a dino-human utopia. THE END.

This was a slippery one… and by that I mean that the plot just slipped right off my brain. This movie is megadumb. I wish I had an appropriate comparison to convey just how big and dumb it is. What’s big… something huge… ah, well I’m sure it will come to me. Anyway, it being a giant dumbo of a movie isn’t really its primary crime. In fact, it might be its greatest attribute. At least it was trying something pretty wild. Even if they still ended up with the T-Rex saving the day. They just can’t quit Sexy Rexy. No, the greatest crime is that it looks like shit. In a year where we saw Avatar 2 and you swam with literal aliens and were like “beautiful alien planet let me talk to whales with you,” you also have this film. The raptors look terrible… like it’s a TV show or something. I personally think it’s the worst of the bunch.

Hot Take Clam Bake! This is easy. Let the dinos die. In Fallen Kingdom they start to rend their clothes in despair at the thought of a volcano destroying all the dinosaurs on the island. You should be so lucky. Give that volcano a medal. No wonder the US Senate decided to vote against saving the dinosaurs (real scene in the film) and yet our meddling “heroes” have to swoop in and help the bad guys bring the dinos to the mainland. And if that isn’t enough they get another minidisaster that’s all set to destroy the dinos again… and they save them AGAIN! Are you guys insane? They need to lock you up. For the love of God just let them be extinct in peace. This isn’t a hot take even. This is an ice cold take. We can’t have a society where pterodactyls are swooping around and terrorizing humanity. Somehow the US Senate figured this out and you guys didn’t. Let the volcano do its job. Temperature: Sweet Bell Pepper.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Jurassic Park: Dominion? More like Jurassic Fart: Lame-inion, amirite? I mean, I suppose there must have been at least some Jurassic farts in that Jurassic park / world, right? So yeah, I was right. Let’s go!

  • I had never seen any of the Jurassic World films.
  • Now I have seen all of them. My life is spiritually worse off because of this. What is the opposite of a religious experience?
  • But really let’s get some quick cut reviews of the first two films to start off.
  • The first film is kind of good, although much like Star Wars I think there is an argument that “Jurassic Park but like … updated” is a pretty safe bet. Lots of dinosaurs though. Some good CGI. A pretty weak love story, especially the bits where people are like “your boyfriend is cool” to Howard and she gets all moon eyed. Could have done without that aspect to her character if I’m being honest. Oh Chris Pratt is also not very good at acting, very one note, basically the same character as Starlord.
  • The second film is significantly worse. Now there is a very obvious villain character, an odd jaunt to the dino island which feels far too short, and then the surely-far-too-large-mansion that can house like what? A third of Jurassic World. I ain’t buying it. Also the dinosaurs are officially smarter than us. I was waiting for Chris Pratt to be like “shoot, it taught itself quantum mechanics and built an atomic bomb, run!” Needless to say I was unimpressed, although the CGI? Still felt top notch.
  • This guy? Woof. First, the CGI is awful. What the hell? The velociraptors in particular look like trash. They run like the raptor from Beast Wars. Any scene with a raptor looks like garbage. And then the entire trip out to not-Tim-Cook’s definitely-not-secretly-evil company whose business plan is obviously making more dinosaurs (genetic power as Ian Malcolm would say) appears to be an excuse to allow the OG Jurassic Park crew to film the movie from the comfort of a sound stage. Definitely the worst of the new trilogy, although I would argue that the second is pretty close once you think about it.
  • Anyways, seeing the OG crew was nice.
  • I also do think Howard’s arc across the three films from operator of Jurassic World, to outspoken dinosaur conservationist, to legit eco-terrorist was cool.
  • Chris Pratt’s evolution from Chris Pratt to Chris Pratt to Chris Pratt was less impressive.
  • It does make you wonder what the future holds for Jurassic Park / World. The trilogy is finished. But it would seem like they would still want to do something with it. A television series maybe? A smaller scale affair? Nothing? Hard to tell.
  • Let’s go with a Setting as a Character (Where?) for the unlikely shoutout to the Italian Dolomites as the home of all of the dinosaurs from Jurassic World. You know what? That’s it. I don’t think it really deserves anything else. Closest to BMT I think, it is undeniably entertaining and an interesting look into the world of Big BMT which we tend to shy away from.

Read about my idea for the spinoff film Jurassic World: Half Past Dinosaur in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs