Here on Earth Recap

NOTE: This was an original recap from 2012 for the film Here on Earth. In a way it started the modern BMT recap, although it would still be another year before our email recap was more than a few notes. It originally included a good number of self-hosted video bits, but I’ve removed them to avoid any possibility of legal issues, and tried my best to get across the intent of each of them. But … just look at how long it is! Yeah, I had a job back then and everything. I think I wrote this in an hour long manic state of ecstasy. Enjoy!

Recap

Well boys and girls, it is with sadness that I have to report that Bad Movie Thursday has ended. What you all didn’t know was that BMT was just a pretense for me and Jamie’s search for the perfect movie, the one movie to unite the world in peace. That search ended last Thursday when we watched Here on Earth, nay! When it allowed us to view its beauty, its majesty … its message. Guided by LudaChris Klein himself we walked the shores of heaven and laughed in childlike wonder as he gently explained how the world can be, how it will be, once we pass along his message to the unconverted. Robert Frost said it best when …

Now that that is over, BMT has not ended, but it might as well have because all others can only hope to be a shadow of its greatness. It had everything, a soundtrack that reads like Best of the 90s: Vol 12, constant unnecessary slo-mo, a rich versus poor dynamic that never quits, and some of the absolute worst (read: best) performances put forth by Chris Klein and Leelee Sobieski. Meanwhile, Josh Harnett acts circles around everyone involved and they close by (spoiler alert!) Notebooking us with a surprise cancer diagnosis and death. Holy shit, needless to say it’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days. Buckle your seatbelts, and if you didn’t watch it they you should pencil in some time.

“Story”line

So we open with a little acoustic guitar riff and shots of a sweet car getting driven through the quaint town of Putnam, Massachusetts. You immediately know the dynamic of the town because as it passes through poorville Sobieski’s says: “somebody’s lost” because none of us Poory McPoors are buying a car like that. Rolston is a prep school that is, on the other hand, extremely wealthy as one can see from the fact that people row there.

The car arrives are Rolston and whoooooweeee is the principal mad. He tries to relate to Chris Klein because his father isn’t coming to graduation, but Chris goes all screw-you-old-man-you-don’t-know-me and pretends he doesn’t care because his father is making mad stacks of cash for him. He also puts down his whole class by calling them whining children. They conclude with Klein strutting about and riffing with his friends about how many ladies they’d all get with his car. With a flourish he reveals that he stole his car keys from the principal and they are going to take a little joy ride that night.

This is where things get interesting. Klein decides they’re all going to Mable’s Table where all the townies are hanging out. For some reason all the Rolston kids are terrified of going into this diner. Reminds me of my home town where all of the tourists are afraid to come to the local bar because the townies will beat the shit out of them. You know what I’m talking about Jamie. Leelee’s there with Hartnett and his friend (dubbed Mathew Lillard Jr. for his sweet bleach blonde hair and extreme sidekickness). Leelee basically tells Hartnett that it’s ovah babyyyyyy by not writing their name on the Lover’s Wall and instead takes over for her sister waiting tables. Her fear of commitment is disconcerting to Hartnett, but he’s in high school so he rolls with it.

Klein and his friends enter and Klein proceeds to verbally accost poor Leelee. Like no joke he pretty much sexually assaults her. She immediately falls in love with him (natch). We are later led to believe that Leelee falls in love with his heart, in reality we can read between the lines and I think she just kind of likes assholes and Hartnett was just too nice for her. Plus just hear these smoove lines by Klein: “What’s good here besides the help?” “Do you really make your own ice cream” “How does one make you own ice cream” Note the accent on cream in those last two. I thought Klein was just saying it weird … now I’m wondering whether it is sexual innuendo. If it is that is supremely creepy. Harnett conducts his first acting lesson of the night and Chris Klein responds by calling all the townies poor. It is quite a speech. But hey guys …. He has a good heart.

A scuffle ensues and Klein basically tells Hartnett his girlfriend is probably going to dream of him tonight. The actual word is “fantasy file” which isn’t a real phrase. Klein speeds off and Hartnett, on principle, decides to race him. This inevitably results in a huge explosion that destroys Mabel’s (no one is hurt). It would have been a much different movie if someone had died, like Sleepers style. Klein and Hartnett go to prison. They are enemies, but for survival they become reluctant allies and then friends. I’m going to call it Shawshank Redemption 2: Rich and Poe. In this version of the script Klein’s character is ironically called Poe and Harnett’s is ironically called Rich. This may also be a Fox Family series in which Poe is forced to move in with Rich and comedy ensues, they’re such an odd couple!

Anyways. Now we get to see how justice is really served in small town USA … the same way as everywhere else, in a courtroom. Klein has Nerd Alert McGee as his lawyer (complete with bow tie) who’s all like: “excuse me, but can’t my client just pay everyone a ton of money and we can lay this matter to rest?” And the judge basically responds “what world do you live in where what you said makes any sense?” Regardless, the judge decides that they’re going to have to do something different with these boys and makes them rebuild Mabel’s Table and thus Klein must live in Hartnett’s house! Everyone seems satisfied although it does seem to dawn on them that Mabel’s Table is one of the dumbest restaurant names they’ve ever heard in their life.

As an aside: the movie would have been better if Hartnett put his and Leelee’s name on the Love Wall. In the movie Leelee just kind of gets all grumpy and starts cheating on Hartnett with Klein and generally acts pretty terribly towards him. In my version Hartnett tries to make up with her and when he claims they’re on the Love Wall she can say “you burned the Love Wall down.” I never got the sense she drifted from Hartnett because of that incident (which would have made more sense), but rather out of boredom making her intentions, while perhaps more real, a bit muddied. Whatevs.

Klein moves into Hartnett’s house and his disgust with the poor accommodations is palpable. He sees a rat and everything and we feel for him because of the sheer poorness of the house. Hartnett tries to make Klein milk some cows but Klein doesn’t do peasant work and walks out. Good call by Klein, if his servants every found out he milked a cow they would probably demand wages and whatnot. Meanwhile, Leelee has inexplicably made up with Hartnett because he fails adorably at making noises with a blade of grass and then a mysterious knee injury is revealed. Afterward we get some sermon from a priest and Matthew Lillard Jr. grosses everyone out by making out with his girlfriend who runs her hands through his frosted tips never realizing how much she will regret her high school choices in the future.

And then we get it. Chris Klein monologue #1. I think it is in his contract that he gets at least 2.5 monologues a movie, so the director made up a valedictorian speech he had to miss because he’s a dipshit. It is … well it’s just Birches by Robert Frost basically. Are you kidding me? How did I not know about this when I graduated high school, this would have definitely been my speech, and no one would have been the wiser (although I would have been booed off stage …. Worth it). Leelee sees the whole thing and is intrigued to say the least.

Leelee macks the mack by bringing Klein a sandwich, everyone enjoys some solid 90s Yo Mother jokes, and then Hartnett and Klein get into a scuffle. You know it is a movie because Hartnett, who sports some sweet bird arms and is built like a scarecrow, defeats Klein, who appears to have just finished up a really worthwhile cycle of anabolic steroids. Hartnett has a heart to heart with his mother who points out that Klein might as well be an orphan so cut him some slack. In this scene Hartnett “plays” the piano. In reality piano noises just play during a close up shot of his face. It’s pretty funny how little they tried here, but if Hartnett can actually play the piano they did him a disservice.

And then we get two amazing scenes in a row. First, Leelee pretty much jumps Klein. This flirty banter is amazing. Two notes. One, Klein is shirtless which was inevitable. Two, the beginning of that scene was ridiculous. Leelee stares lustily at Klein’s bod and says “I’m hot … … … … … I’m going to get something to drink.” It sounds like she’s drunk. It actually reminds me of that video of the Brady Bunch where the one kid was stoned for a scene. The scene is similar to how me and my wife met. I was working hard during college orientation (shirtless, natch). She came over to get a drink and that was all the opening I needed. Hook-line-and-sinker. I call that move the Charlie Nash Interpol because it makes the girls go crazy.

The second scene is then their date, which is also amazing. It’s in a ballpark and they pretend to play baseball and stuff. Sobieski is the worst and also cannot even fake throw a baseball which is hilarious. They talk about life and love and then make out. Klein’s clinching line is the inexplicable: “I was just wondering if there was mustard or …” referring to the sandwich she gave him hours ago. Oscar snub that year for sure. Since my wife doesn’t read these recaps she doesn’t know that this is happening, this is going to be a date we have. And I’ll force her to read lines with me and reenact the whole thing. We’ll break up for a bit, but she’ll forgive me. I’ve trapped her.

We move quickly from here. Leelee’s family is super concerned Klein is a hit-it-and-quit it guy from Rolston. Ironically, after they do have sex, it is Leelee who ends up dying almost immediately after. Sobieski breaks it to Harnett that … well nothing really. Not great life choices here for m’girl Leelee. Poor Hartnett is just getting dragged along. This is followed by a revolting scene in which Klein kisses a bunch of Leelee’s body parts (a creepy focus is on the feet) and calls them states. Florida is her feet, North and South Carolina the knees. The belly button is Maryland. And, because he’s a classy guy, he skips over New York and New Jersey, her breasts, for New England, her face. The closing line “Massachusetts welcomes you” by Leelee completed the amazing performance.

The following scene gives us our first glimpse of Sobieski running which she is somehow worse at than throwing fake baseballs. Upon seeing this Klein’s response should have been “Are you sure you were a track athlete? Didn’t focus on the ‘field’ aspect of those sports?” Sobieski then explains to Klein that she’s going to the dance with Hartnett. Klein naturally doesn’t understand, and neither do we. There is a very confusing schedule outlined here as well: The dance has fireworks. Klein wants to meet up after but Sobieski is going to Cape Cod. So let me get this straight. The fireworks, which probably start around 9pm, will end and then Sobieski will immediately drive to the Cape from Western Massachusetts …. Yeah that isn’t happening. Lucky for everyone this plan is never mentioned ever again. Regardless, it is assumed by everyone that Leelee is attracted to Hartnett’s superior acting skills because anyone could see that Klein is objectively more attractive.

Klein is upset about this development, but accepts his fate gracefully … Oh wait … nevermind. Instead he gets shitfaced and dances with a bunch of cows. The dance sequence could only be trumped by Sobieski trying to dance, but they wouldn’t let that happen would they? Klein goes to the dance drunk and gets wrecked by Hartnett. Classic. This time the fight is a bit more fair since Klein is absolutely falling-down drunk at this point. Klein instantaneously sobers up and decides to pack it in and leave. He asks Leelee to go with him. She practically burst out laughing, but he saves it by tacking “for the weekend” onto the end. Sobieski is mulling it over when Hartnett shows up. She makes the unfortunate decision to break the news in this fashion “I can’t go … *Hartnett looks happy, 3 more beats* … With you [Hartnett]” Hartnett then bursts into tears. After this particular scene everyone should have stopped filming because Hartnett is too good. He is a legit actor. Leelee and Klein should have felt embarrassed and just called off the rest of the shoot while they recast the leads. Sobieski then hops on the bus and drives off to Boston.

At the Klein Estate Sobieski pokes fun at Klein by asking about the Butler. Klein nonchalantly explains that it is Fourth of July so he’s not here. No joke, just kind of says Jeeves got the night off. Klein wants to see if there is food in the house (there obviously is … you live in a mansion), but Sobieski runs off to embarrass herself by lying in Klein’s mother’s suicide tub. Lucky for the world that action results in this monologue which I call “Mi Mama”. It is a heartfelt display by a very alone and all but abandoned young man. I’m all in now, you’ve hooked me finally. There is only one thing you could do to screw this up, but you wouldn’t do that, right? WRONG. Sobieski dance sequence to bumping 90s tunes. They have a nice fake rain going in the monologue scene. You can always tell a good fake rain, it comes in weird sheets. Must have only had the mansion for the night.

And now for the conclusion, Klein’s absentee father returns and tells him to get his act together before he heads off to Princeton. Princeton alums shake their head in shame. MIT gets Buschemi from Armageddon and Nic Cage from National Treasure, Princeton gets ………. Chris Klein in Here on Earth. Leelee arrives home and they find out she’s been hiding doctor appointments. Leelee meets up with Klein and challenges him to a race. In the real world Klein would defeat her easily, in this movie she takes a substantial lead (there is evidently something magically efficient about swinging her arms wildly from side to side). All of a sudden the movie goes into slo mo and she falls. Klein carries her back and she gets the surprise cancer diagnosis. Klein accuses her of quitting when she can’t get treatment. “You’re just going to die?” Her response of “I’m going to live …. Just not as long as you” doesn’t help.

Hartnett tells Klein to get it together (I agree). We get a sweet montage with Sobieski dying, and Klein looking forlornly at some roses and a picture of Sobieski. We finally conclude at the grand opening of Mable’s Table where Klein shows up, sweeps Sobieski off her feet, and carves their name on the new Lover’s Wall. As Jamie pointed out, it would have been much better if he instead carved in “Fuck Cancer”, but it dawned on me later that I don’t think the movie was intended to be a comedy. Klein gets to give the eulogy. I think he just ended up giving his graduation speech, but it was hard to tell.

Conclusion

What is there left to say. This goes into the pantheon for sure. Chris Klein once again showed himself to be worthy of the Nic Cage Jr. crown. All he needs is an Oscar so that he’ll be able to get jobs for the rest of his life. Sobieski plays a character who is most notable for making poor life choices and getting cancer … they could have given her a bit more to work with in my opinion. Josh Hartnett was amazingly good, didn’t really falter despite having Chris Klein chewing the scenery during every take. There really isn’t anything else to say. Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li, Battlefield Earth, Here on Earth. Those are now my top three of BMT history. ‘Nuff said.

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Here on Earth Preview

A small note prior to this post: Last July we decided to take a look back at the movies that we watched over five years ago and choose a Hall of Fame class, five movies that we thought embodied BMT in some way. Perhaps they were particularly bad, or an example of a specific bad movie trope, whatever, something made them stand out as special in our minds. Since we didn’t do email previews before 2013ish we also decided to provide a preview for the movie. This is the last in a series of five leading up to our yearly awards the Smaddies Baddies. A very special OG recap will follow, which represents somewhat the beginning of the modern BMT recap. A new recap (Hall of Fame speech really) will follow immediately after that to explain why the movie was chosen, things we loved about the movie, and things we discovered upon second viewing. Enjoy!

Here on Earth (2000) – BMeTric: 43.4

HereonEarth_BMeT

HereonEarth_RV

(I find it pretty astonishing that the rating is just so low. There aren’t very many votes (which certainly plays into it), but it still is pretty amazing for what is at its core a fairly innocuous teen drama film … that is outside of the fact that we are obsessed with this film.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Spoiled preppy Klein falls for small-town girl Sobieski while rooming with her boyfriend’s family for the summer. Fateful teen romantic triangle is strictly by-the-numbers. Sobieski gets points for radiantly dangling two hunky guys along; if she were any more angelic she’d explode.

(Ha! Leonard identified one of the main sticking points of the entire film (Leelee’s character is kind of a dick for stringing Hartnett along when it was clear their relationship was done at the beginning of the film), and then dismisses it as a positive for Leelee. Go for it Leonard. Yeah, why shouldn’t Leelee get hers?!)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t8WI3bW8NA

(“Hey rich boy, come and get it!” Oh snap, that is some real sidekickness. And Klein looks jacked, I almost forgot just how jacked he was in this film. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS TRAILER IS AMAZING. I’m having reverse Vietnam flashbacks here … does that make sense? Like I’m flashing back to the ecstasy of watching this film for the first time. Phew, I cannot wait.)

Directors – Mark Piznarski – (BMT: Here on Earth; Notes: Primarily a television director. Directed the first two episodes of Veronica Mars. The character of Stosh “Piz” Piznarski was named after him.)

Writers – Michael Seitzman (written by) – (Known For: North Country; BMT: Here on Earth; Notes: Basically immediately transitioned to television. Ultimately created Code Black which just ended this year.)

Actors – Chris Klein – (Known For: American Pie; American Reunion; We Were Soldiers; Just Friends; American Pie 2; Election; American Dreamz; Future BMT: Authors Anonymous; Day Zero; BMT: Rollerball; Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li; Say It Isn’t So; Here on Earth; Notes: He had a pretty public substance abuse issue which, it seems, he has kicked (good for him). Just had his second child.)

Leelee Sobieski – (Known For: Eyes Wide Shut; Never Been Kissed; Public Enemies; Deep Impact; Joy Ride; Walk All Over Me; Max; A Soldier’s Daughter Never Cries; My First Mister; Future BMT: Jungle 2 Jungle; Branded; The Glass House; Finding Bliss; BMT: The Wicker Man; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Here on Earth; 88 Minutes; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress in 2009 for 88 Minutes, and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Notes: Wow, all BMT films we’ve seen her in are now in the Hall of Fame. Her mother was a film producer and then became her manager when Leelee went into acting.)

Josh Hartnett – (Known For: Black Hawk Down; Sin City; The Virgin Suicides; The Faculty; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; 30 Days of Night; Lucky Number Slevin; O; Oh Lucy!; Resurrecting the Champ; Stuck Between Stations; Future BMT: The Black Dahlia; 40 Days and 40 Nights; Town & Country; Time Traveller; Wild Horses; Pearl Harbor; August; 6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain; Bunraku; Blow Dry; The Ottoman Lieutenant; BMT: Hollywood Homicide; Here on Earth; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Effectively retired ten years ago when he moved back to his native Minnesota, but broke back onto the scene with Penny Dreadful.)

Budget/Gross – $15 million / Domestic: $10,522,168 (Worldwide: $10,873,148)

(Unfortunately a disaster. So unlikely we’ll see a Here on Earth Expanded Universe (HoEEU). Which is too bad. I want to see what happened to … like, Leelee’s ancestors in the same town? I’m actually somehow selling myself on this idea … Netflix? Call me.)

#102 for the Romantic Drama genre

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(This is like a teen version of Nicholas Sparks film, which obviously the most enticing three words in Hollywood: teen Nicholas Sparks. Why would this genre die in the 2000? I don’t know, I think this comes up every time we do this plot. Maybe they got pushed out by some other genre or big budget fare?

#47 for the Teen Romance genre

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(Oooooooooh Endless Loooooooove is my second favorite of this genre. Was a late 80s genres, which surged again in the 2000s and is now sitting pretty these days. What happened in 2007ish? Twilight.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 17% (12/69): Critics say Here on Earth’s weakness comes from its script. The story may appeal to young teenage girls, but it suffers from being overly sentimental and formulaic. The cinematography, however, is lovely in how it captures its Minnesota setting.

(It is impossible to be overly sentimental. Also … Oh I’m stewing now. It is obviously not set in Minnesota! It is set in Massachusetts. Ridiculous oversight. Reviewer Highlight – Makes the similarly themed Love Story seem positively sophisticated by comparison. – Lou Lumenick, New York Post)

Poster – Here on Sklog (A+)

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(I have this poster hanging in my house. It is like a beautiful watercolor, a dream. Zero complaints.)

Tagline(s) – NONE! (FFFFF)

(I’ll make one! Uh … “Earth’s the right place for love” there I did it! Phew, that was … much harder than I thought it would be. The logic is that that is a line from Birches by Robert Frost which plays a big role in the film. The film is a love story and thus illustrates a main plot, while sounding somewhat okay. It also takes place on the planet Earth.)

Keyword(s) – diner; Top Ten by BMeTric: 89.5 The Wicker Man (2006); 84.8 Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011); 78.0 Grease 2 (1982); 76.2 AVPR: Aliens vs Predator – Requiem (2007); 76.0 Ouija (2014); 73.7 Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993); 73.1 Howard the Duck (1986); 72.2 Cell (I) (2016); 71.5 Bewitched (2005); 69.2 Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011);

(Grease 2 has somehow completely avoided our scrutiny despite, obviously, being one of the worst of an entire decade. Diner is also a nonsense keyword, but whatever.)

Notes – Melissa Joan Hart was considered for the role of Samantha.

This movie is mentioned in the song “Wonder (If She’ll Get It)” by the band Superchick.

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason Recap

Jamie

Bridget Jones is back, Jack! And boy howdy is she getting into some kooky situations. Last we saw she had gotten the guy and was set to live happily ever after and now… uh… I guess she’s gonna screw it up? Can she not screw it up, get the guy, and get out of Thai prison (what, what?) before it’s too late? Find out in… Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason.

How?! Bridget Jones is on top of the world. She got a great career, a great boyfriend, and a great diary that she writes in. This will be the best year ever. That is until she totally starts to fret about her lawyer Mark Darcy’s hot, young lawyer colleague. He’s definitely having an affair. How do we know: because this is a film and Bridget needs a reason to screw up her nascent relationship for the fun (?) of the viewers. Anyway, after a disastrous lawyer party, lunch with her parents, and ski vacation Bridget seems to have totally messed things up with Mark. They’ve broken up, gotten back together, and broken up again leaving Bridget in the lurch just as she gets a new assignment reporting on exotic locales with her *gulp* ex-dirtbag boyfriend Daniel Cleaver. On assignment in Thailand, she almost hooks up with him, but at the last moment Daniel again demonstrates why he’s just a garbage person and she gets out of there. You’d think everything would go pretty smoothly from here but remember, it’s that kooky Bridget Jones we know and love so she ends up accidentally getting nabbed for drug smuggling. She ends up in a Thai prison for a surprisingly large chuck of the film, eventually being freed by lawyer extraordinaire (and not garbage person) Mark. Back in the UK, Bridget realizes that she loves him, runs to his office, and they totally smooch a whole bunch and they get engaged… which doesn’t seem like the best idea considering the tumultuous year they had. But you do you Bridget. THE END.

Why?! Everything that happens in the film is for love I guess. Bridget self-sabotages pretty hard and you would think it was because of mistrust or anxiety or feelings of inadequacy. But if that were the case it would be odd that they would be so dead set on getting engaged after like three months of dating. The only logical thing is that they are both screwing up their relationship so badly because they are scared of how much they love each other. Yeah… that’s the ticket.

Who?! Looking around I thought we would be totally bereft of something to talk about for this section. Nothing of interest was really popping out. That is until I saw that Jacinda Barrett, who played Rebecca, the woman Bridget feared Mark was having an affair with, made her television debut on The Real World. Kinda makes me think there might be a cycle in there somewhere. Reality TV stars in film. Woof.

What?! There are a couple very prominent advertisements for Coca-Cola at the beginning and end of the film. A large billboard seems to give Bridget encouragement to go get her man (and also encourages us to drink a delicious and refreshing Coca-Cola at the same time).

Where?! Much more of a road trip film in this case. Yes, we’re still primarily set in the UK, but this time we get some exotic excursions into Austria and Thailand. Classic sequel right there. Let’s take a character we love (e.g. Deuce Bigalow) and take him somewhere new (Amsterdam). In this case, the UK is important to the plot and the other locations are fun. I’m bumping it to an A-.

When?! The Bridget Jones films are as close to a road trip through time as you can get. They start immediately following New Years (first film is the year 2000 and the second has to be 2001 then) and proceed through the year ending between Xmas and New Years. In some ways you can lock them in as Secret Holiday Films as the most important bits of the story take place then. It is also important to the plot to as a New Year’s resolution is pretty much why she starts the diary in the first place. A-.

The best way to describe this film is as the equivalent to a television show. Season 1 (Bridget Jones’s Diary) was the smash hit, will-they-won’t-they, Ross-and-Rachel season that captured the heart of America. I thought it was fantastic. She was kooky and it was surprisingly raunchy and just generally a fun time. Then season two rolls along and they are like “shit, how do we recapture the magic?” Break them up, obvs. American will love seeing us make these people neurotic crazies and then get them back together. Magic recaptured, right? Not really. It’s the problem with the will-they-won’t-they model as it generally proceeds directly into relationship strife, and I don’t love watching that. Add on top that it’s just generally sillier, crazier (she ends up in a Thai prison), and more cliched and it is certainly a lackluster return for our girl Bridget… although I wouldn’t say the worst thing we’ve ever watched or anything. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! The Bridget Jones films, the first two at least, were an interesting time capsule of early 2000s British comedies. We watched the bad one. Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – I knew very little about the series going in, but realizing that the director of the first skipped the second and ended up directing the third I know there was going to be something off about it. I do kind of wish I had read the books, because what I will very likely blame greedy studio execs for maybe could more accurately be blamed on a greedy author, I wouldn’t know. Such is life I guess.

The Good – The three leads are as charming as ever. If you wanted a bigger badder Bridget Jones, well they delivered. They took the character on the road, gave her big stories to explore, and even more awkward moments to create. What they didn’t do was introduce a bunch of new characters for the sake of it and base everything around that. There are things to like in the film.

The Bad – The film feels exactly like what any bad rom com is. Almost quintessentially so. It is kind of a carbon copy of the original with all of the same characters and story beats. Bridget is arguably flanderized into her most audience-pleasing traits. It takes the main character from the charming original setting of London and then relies on fish-out-of-water stories in foreign countries for dramatic moments. And it resets all of the advancements from the original in order to reset everything to be done again. Literally … both movies are just Bridget Jones getting into relationships with the same two guys. In that sense the film in honestly horrible.

You Just Got Schooled – Aha, well in order to watch the sequel I had to watch the original acclaimed Bridget Jones. It was solid, but highly dependent on how much one can tolerate the classic British awkward humor (it shouldn’t be a surprise that both Bridget Jones’s Diary and The Office came out in 2001). Zellweger, Grant, and Firth are all fantastic. And it is a veritable who’s who of British comedic talent, even in the minor roles (two of her friends are Baltar from Battlestar Galactica, and Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter!). It is quite the trick to see a genuinely good film create a genuinely bad sequel, and all wrapped up in a very rare romantic comedy franchise.

The BMT – So here’s the thing: For all of the reasons described in The Bad section this is kind of a perfect example of a bad rom com sequel. But I don’t think that is why we’ll remember it. We are far more likely to remember the weird ones like Here on Earth than the quintessentially bad ones, of which there are multiple that do what this does at least part way. No, this is a rare romantic comedy franchise, which is interesting. Kind of makes me hope they make a Sex and the City 3.

Welcome to Earf – Alright well I could remember one other film we’ve seen with Zellweger, New in Town, which also stars J.K. Simmons. But then I had to look up the connection via the Snowman, which also stars Val Kilmer, who was in Batman Forever with Jim Carrey, who was in The Number 23 with Virginia Madsen, who was in Firewall with Harrison Ford, who was in Hollywood Homicide with Josh Hartnett, who was in Here on Earth! Rare Harnett path, welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – So here’s the thing you have to remember: 2004 was absolutely horrible for movies. The other thing you have to remember: romantic comedies are traditionally not that great. Combine those two and I literally can’t find a list with this film on it. Rest assured, it isn’t great, but it also isn’t going to beat out White Chicks, Catwoman, and The Whole Ten Yards!

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

 

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason Preview

The Predator uses the puzzle box to open a portal to Hell as Jamie and Patrick look on in horror. He gives a bodacious war cry and immediately runs through to begin the hunt. Shaking in their Uggs, Jamie and Patrick await what monstrous creation will emerge from the portal. They stare in awe as two ladies step through. One is a sultry minx in a red dress, her smokey eyes turn Jamie’s legs to jelly. The other has a book under her arm and is wearing glasses. She’s a total nerd, but suddenly she takes off her glasses and she’s also super sexy! But she was wearing those glasses! Who could have guessed? “Woah, I’m in love, bro,” says Jamie and Patrick is shocked. “Uh, those are obviously demons. We should just close the portal,” he says, but Jamie isn’t ready to go. “Hi there ladies… is there anything a couple of hunky muscle-bound guys like us could help you with?” They giggle and Patrick shakes his head is despair. “Oh yes,” says the sexy lady, “I am a sultry minx who has trouble with the truth, but you still love me because I’m bad for you.” The nerdy sexy lady steps forward, “And I’m a lawyer that you could grow old with, but you just can’t decide between us.” Jamie turns to Patrick “I just can’t decide between them. What do I do?” Patrick is stunned, “What?! They are clearly demons trying to trick you.” Jamie sits on the floor and puts his head in his heads. He pulls out a small book. “Give me a moment, ladies. I have to work out my feelings. And there is only one person that can help me with that… and that’s myself.” And with that he writes Dear Diary… That’s right! This week we continue our franchise-Zzzzzzz cycle with a very rare romantic comedy franchise. The original Bridget Jones’s Diary was a well-received British smash hit. Bridget Jones’s Baby was also a critical and box office darling. Uh … what happened dudes? Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason … seems like replacing the superfluous “‘s” with a colon was the mistake? I guess we’ll see. Let’s go!

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004) – BMeTric: 33.3

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(An extremely interesting comeback. I … can’t imagine why? The comeback came long before the third film came out. Maybe that is why the third film came out though? Because the producers knew the film was gaining new life on VOD or something? Very confusing. But the BMeTric is still solid, so whatevs.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Pointless sequel to the hit romantic comedy, centering on the title character’s involvement with boyfriend Firth and ex-suitor Grant and her endless mishaps. Appeal of the original has largely evaporated, with likable, pleasingly chunky Bridget transformed into a charmless dunce. Only comes alive when Grant is on-screen, which isn’t often enough. Co-scripted by Helen Fielding, based on her published sequel to Bridget Jones’s Diary.

(Too bad. I’ve seen the first one and she really is likeable. Although … she is also super dumb in the first one? One of the main points is that she doesn’t follow the news and is kind of a clumsy idiot. Perhaps times will have changed … because Hugh Grant’s character is certainly much more of a garbage person when viewed from 2019.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS0zrDOsy98

(Oh … yeah that does seem like it is kind of just a rehash of the first. And in order to rehash the first Bridget Jones has to necessarily regress a bit in her character … classic blunder to be honest.)

Directors – Beeban Kidron – (Known For: To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar; Used People; BMT: Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Notes: British, and married to Lee Hall who is a famous British writer.)

Writers – Helen Fielding (novel & screenplay) – (Known For: Bridget Jones’s Baby; Bridget Jones’s Diary; BMT: Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Notes: Author of the Bridget Jones series. She was married to a long-time Fox Producer Kevin Curran.)

Andrew Davies (screenplay) – (Known For: Bridget Jones’s Diary; Brideshead Revisited; The Tailor of Panama; Circle of Friends; B. Monkey; BMT: The Three Musketeers; Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Notes: )

Richard Curtis (screenplay) – (Known For: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again; Love Actually; About Time; Notting Hill; Four Weddings and a Funeral; Bridget Jones’s Diary; The Boat That Rocked; War Horse; Bean; Mr. Bean’s Holiday; Trash; The Tall Guy; BMT: Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Notes: Very famous in British television circles for his adaptations of novels into mini-series.)

Adam Brooks (screenplay) – (Known For: Definitely, Maybe; Nappily Ever After; French Kiss; Wimbledon; Beloved; Future BMT: Practical Magic; The Invisible Circus; BMT: Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Notes: Canadian, more recently has written the television series Imposters.)

Actors – Renée Zellweger – (Known For: Dazed and Confused; Jerry Maguire; Chicago; Cold Mountain; Bridget Jones’s Baby; Bridget Jones’s Diary; Me, Myself & Irene; Bee Movie; Cinderella Man; Monsters vs. Aliens; Miss Potter; Reality Bites; Appaloosa; White Oleander; Leatherheads; Down with Love; Nurse Betty; Liar; Love and a .45; One True Thing; Future BMT: The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre; The Bachelor; Shark Tale; Case 39; The Whole Truth; Empire Records; 8 Seconds; BMT: New in Town; Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Notes: Notable early in her career for having a kind of baby / squinty face, and unfairly criticized more recently for apparent plastic surgery (when I literally think she has just aged). Bridget Jones’ Baby has lead to somewhat of a resurgence which is nice.)

Colin Firth – (Known For: Mary Poppins Returns; Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again; Love Actually; Kingsman: The Golden Circle; Kingsman: The Secret Service; Mamma Mia!; Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy; The King’s Speech; Kursk; Nanny McPhee; The English Patient; Bridget Jones’s Baby; Bridget Jones’s Diary; Shakespeare in Love; A Single Man; The Mercy; The Happy Prince; A Christmas Carol; Genius; Dorian Gray; Future BMT: The Last Legion; The Accidental Husband; Gambit; St Trinian’s 2: The Legend of Fritton’s Gold; What a Girl Wants; Trauma; St. Trinian’s; Hope Springs; Main Street; Arthur and Mike; Before I Go to Sleep; BMT: Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Devil’s Knot; A Thousand Acres; Notes: Y’all know Darcy. Actually probably most famous for that Pride & Prejudice role. Won an Oscar for The King’s Speech.)

Hugh Grant – (Known For: Love Actually; Cloud Atlas; The Man from U.N.C.L.E.; Paddington 2; Notting Hill; About a Boy; Sense and Sensibility; Four Weddings and a Funeral; Bridget Jones’s Diary; Two Weeks Notice; Florence Foster Jenkins; Bitter Moon; The Remains of the Day; Music and Lyrics; I’m Still Here; Sirens; Maurice; Mickey Blue Eyes; The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!; The Lair of the White Worm; Future BMT: Nine Months; An Awfully Big Adventure; BMT: Did You Hear About the Morgans?; Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason; Notes: Extremely British. Somewhat notable for being caught with a prostitute in the 90s and the subsequent PR tour.)

Budget/Gross – $40 million / Domestic: $40,226,215 (Worldwide: $262,520,724)

(Huge international success, but the domestic take probably did make them hesitate on the third. They shouldn’t have, the third I think was a huge success as well.)

#72 for the Comedy – Sequel (Live Action) genre

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(Below Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous which is pretty rough. Came right at the mid-00s peak for sequels. We just exited the most recent peak which was more short lived. And I’m sure we’ll be entering the next big boom soon enough.)

#111 for the Romantic Comedy genre

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(Around Something Borrowed which is interesting. Right in the middle of the very long Romantic Comedy heyday. The genre looked to be sequestered to VOD more recently, but I think Crazy Rich Asians might lead to a bit of a resurgence.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 27% (42/155): Edge of Reason is a predictable continuation to the Bridget Jones story, with too much slapstick and silliness.

(Yeah, predictable sounds about right. Reviewer Highlight: The humiliation of Bridget Jones is done so many times that it’s not funny and it’s not clever and it’s not interesting. – Richard Roeper, Ebert & Roeper)

Poster – Bridget Jones: Annihilation (C+)

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(This has got a lot of things working against it: predominantly white background, lazy font, and large pictures of people front and center. However, I do like the balance and it’s clever in how it uses the tagline.)

Tagline(s) – Same Bridget. Brand new diary. (B)

Big Lawyer. Big Liar. Big Problem (A+)

(Both of these are pretty good. The first is to the point and really more of a “from the makers of…” taglines where they just want to assure everyone that they are getting what they paid for. But at least done in a clever way. The second is near perfect. Short and sweet, uses repetition and a set of three, and gives an idea of the dilemma at the heart of the film.)

Keyword(s) – thailand; Top Ten by BMeTric: 64.5 Stealth (2005); 52.1 Bangkok Dangerous (2008); 51.4 Ong-bak 3 (2010); 46.8 Elephant White (2011); 43.6 Only God Forgives (2013); 43.5 The Meg (2018); 42.6 Mechanic: Resurrection (2016); 42.5 Braddock: Missing in Action III (1988); 42.1 The King and I (1999); 41.2 The Hangover Part III (2013);

(That is kind of a great list even though a few don’t qualify. The animated King and I is probably the most interesting as it is the weirdest. I guess you don’t really see when animated films go awry.)

Notes – In the book, Bridget Jones is obsessed by the actor Colin Firth from the BBC TV series Pride and Prejudice (1995), and even gets to meet him for an interview. This plot-line is omitted from the film, where Firth actually plays her love interest Mark Darcy. They did, however, film the interview scene with Colin dressed in his street clothes, and Renée Zellweger in character. The scene is included in the DVD extras. (That is mildly amusing. I wonder if they cast Firth in the first place in part because this character trait would have been known. Edge of Reason, the book, was written prior to the original film’s release.)

During an appearance on Oprah, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth revealed the scene of them fighting each other was not choreographed.

The role of Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant) only had a very small appearance in the book. The character was so memorable and popular that his part was extended specifically for the movie.

Hugh Grant is just a day older than Colin Firth.

During the filming in Thailand, the cast stayed on Nai Yang Beach, close to the airport in Phuket. They often drank at the little shack bars down on the beach, especially ‘Mama Mia’s’. In 2004, all of those bars and restaurants were destroyed in the Tsunami. The pianist at the JW Marriott in Phuket, Stuart Hopkins, who was also a regular at the bar made extensive attempts to contact the cast. In June 2005, a large package arrived for his attention. It was from Renée Zellweger containing many things such as T-shirts, caps, and a big movie poster signed by herself and other cast members. Over the years the bars on the beach were re-built, and the poster still hangs proudly in Mama Mia’s bar as of August 2009. (Cool I guess)

Bridget makes a comment about Mark wearing a wet shirt. Colin Firth made a famous scene playing Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice (1995) where he appeared to Elizabeth Bennet in a wet shirt after swimming in a lake.

Drug smuggling is a very serious offense in Thailand, even more serious than murder. The rationale is that a murder might result in one death where drugs kill hundreds. (Yeah, don’t get yourself into a broken kingdom situation)

The poem Daniel quotes to Bridget on the boat while in Thailand is a translation of the famous “Phra Aphai Manee”, a famous epic poem about a hero/ prince who, among other things, wooes and marries many princesses. The part he quotes is when Phra Aphai Manee wooes his head wife, Suwan Malee.

Sally Phillips was pregnant with her second child during filming.

With a budget of $40 million, this is the most expensive film in the ‘Bridget Jones’ trilogy.

Earned $8.7 million in its 530-theater opening weekend, setting the record of the highest-grossing limited release opening weekend. This record was broken seven years later by Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (2011), which earned $12.8 million in its 425-theater debut.

The book that Jed and Shazzer read on the plane is “The Beach” by Alex Garland that also partially takes place in Thailand. (Starring Leonardo DiCaprio)

The producers originally asked Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001) director Sharon Maguire to return for this film, but she told them that she had no interest whatsoever in directing it. Renée Zellweger’s personal choice for director was Nigel Cole, but the producers agreed that a woman should direct, and hired Beeban Kidron instead. Maguire would return as director for the second sequel, Bridget Jones’s Baby (2016), though. (Hmmmmmmmm, and the second sequel was good ….)

Plans to have George Clooney appear in a cameo as himself were dropped. (Good)

BBC newscaster and presenter of University Challenge Jeremy Paxman makes a short cameo appearance (greeting Hugh Grant’s character Daniel Cleaver in passing and complimenting him on his show) in a scene that was filmed in one continuous shot, which required numerous retakes and took a long time to do. He commented that he usually covered the entire world news in the time it took to film this short sequence for a film.

Janey Osbourne is played in this film by Lucy Robinson, who, as Louisa Hurst, one of Charles Bingley’s sisters, co-starred with Colin Firth (as Fitzwilliam Darcy) in the 1995 version of Pride and Prejudice, based on the book of the same name by Jane Austen. The Bridget Jones books and films are modernized versions of the same book by Austen. (Well … surely only the first one is. Still, it explains the bold move to make Firth play both characters and name them both Darcy.)

Midnight Sun Recap

Jamie

Afflicted with a disease that doesn’t allow her to leave her house during the day, Katie Price has mooned over the boy down the street, Charlie, from afar. When they finally meet they fall madly in love. Katie chooses to withhold her condition from him leading to an accident that worsens it. Can their love survive her inevitable death before… er… it’s too late? Find out in Midnight Sun.

How?! Katie Price lives in seclusion in her house with only her super cool dad and… also super cool best friend for company. You see, she has a rare disorder called XP that makes any contact with sunlight potentially deadly. Growing up she watched the boy next door skateboard around and be super rad and she’d be all like “man, he’ll never like a diseased albeit super hot girl like me. Aw shucks.” On the night of high school graduation she ventures out to play music at the train station by moonlight. Unbeknownst to her, Charlie, her crush, is having an existential crisis right at that moment as he contemplates the recent loss of his swim scholarship following an injury. He’s all like “aw shucks, life must mean more than this small town.” As he mopes about he finds Katie and is instantly smitten. She runs away at the shock of seeing her crush, but a forgotten songbook and Katie’s super cool friend conspire to bring them together again. All of a sudden Katie is going on dates and totes macking on Charlie, her crush! What a dream! When her best friend and dad are both like “maybe tell him you might die if you end up in the sun.” She delays for fear he might run away. They hang out all summer and Charlie help Katie overcome her fear of playing in public and Katie helps Charlie start swimming again and just when they bone on the beach (it’s implied) they stay up all night talking post-coitus (it’s implied!) and Katie end up being exposed to the sun. She’s totally gonna die (for real) and she doesn’t want to put Charlie through that, but he totally loves her and they keep on dating and recording songs and watching Charlie swim until she does indeed die. At the end of the summer Charlie leaves to join his college swim team and as he leaves he hears a song that he helped Katie record become a smash hit on the radio. You know, that last part does seem a bit silly when you write it out. THE END.

Why?! Love, duh. For real, the movie is a story of how love, no matter how brief, makes you a better person. Katie and Charlie are lost at the moment they meet. She lives a nice life, but has never gotten to experience the world, while he is trying to figure out his place in the world. They help each other overcome their difficulties and finally feel whole and able to move forward with life… you know, until she dies.

Who?! I could sit here and talk about Patrick Schwarzenegger and his weird way that he speaks. But instead I’ll highlight a couple songs from Bella Thorne’s upcoming debut studio album. Oh didn’t know she was an actress/singer? Guess you haven’t heard Bitch I’m Bella Thorne

or Pussy Mine

Can we re-edit Midnight Sun so they record Pussy Mine at the end and that’s the song Charlie and Katie’s dad are freaking out about when it comes on the radio?

What?! There actually was a prominent product placement in the film in the scene where Katie is singing at the train station to the delight of train riders young and old. A child comes up and you think he’s gonna give her some money… oh ho, you’d be wrong. She’s getting a bag of delicious peanut M&M’s.

Where?! We get a nice jaunt into Seattle via train to really hammer home the message there are dear, ill-fated love birds reside in a beautiful coastal Washington State town. I feel like It needs to get a B+ simply because you see the Space Needle and Katie’s dad makes sure that Charlie is a Seahawks fan before he takes Katie out on a date. B+

When?! I feel like I need to mark out certain types of seasonal films. Like this is a “summer film.” It details the life of Katie and Charlie in the summer after their high school graduation as they learn the live, sing, swim, and bone on the beach (it’s implied). There are obviously winter, fall, and spring films as well. Also what would be termed “school year” films. C

This movie is fine. I actually had a fairly pleasant time watching it even though I knew exactly what was going to happen at all times. Seems like something that could have had a lot of success on a streaming service, but it went to theaters and somehow that was worse for it. All that being said, Patrick Schwarzenegger very well might be the worst actor we’ve seen in a film. He’s young and he can figure it out, but he needs to decide what look he wants. Does he want the look of “pretty boy with a weird smile that talks weird” a.k.a. the Tom Brady? Cause that’s where he is right now. I’d suggest maybe focusing on action as the strong silent type… who never smiles. Also you can’t think too hard about the film or else it falls apart pretty quickly. We live in a world where Katie has lived in the same town for 18 years and can venture outside at night and yet she never interacts with anyone in town except her dad and best friend. She never went up to Seattle (a short train ride away) or saw a concert (even though she loves music and wants to be a musician) even though both those things are possible to do at night. It’s just… a little unbelievable. Finally, do we really need another film where (it’s implied) that sex=death… we already have the Twilight Saga. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Midnight Sun is about the inevitability of death and how gross it is to exploit a real disease just to create a dumb teen rom-dram. But no joke I still cried a little. Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – Three things I’m interested in. First, the soundtrack. The girl is supposed to be a musician, so one would hope they but in the effort on the soundtrack. Second, the only striking thing in the preview really was the acting which seems atrocious. I need to see how little Schwarzenegger does. And finally, I’m banking on her dying at the end and that is why she is on the boat in the preview.

The Good – I’m not crying you’re crying you … crying rom-dram loving dummy. For reals though like maybe I’m getting old but I was like “Rob Riggle you gave her a great life, go out there and live!” at the end. The music is solid, especially Charlie’s Song which is actually good enough you can believe it would go viral. The two leads (oh we’ll get to them in the bad section) were at least as awkward as I think they were going for. I kind of wish the film didn’t center around a disease, but if you ignore that I’m honestly not sure what else people want from a teen rom dram. We all want another Breakfast Club, but are things like A Walk to Remember really so bad? Seriously, is it? I’ve never seen it.

The Bad – The acting is dire. Like … really dire stuff. It is rough. Of course it is schmaltzy garbage, but (and I’ll say this once) it is fine. What is the big deal? I now totally understand the RogerEbert.com review, like, 2.5 stars, yeah makes sense. The main thing is, when you look at the preview section above, I easily guessed the film’s entire plot from the end of the trailer. That’s a problem. The other really bad part: Our romantic lead Chris brings chinese food onto a train and is just chowing away. Disgusting. You disgust me. That would smell so bad.

You Just Got Schooled – Naturally, the main thing we are all curious about is Patrick Schwarzenegger’s acting ability (only me and Jamie? … whatever). So I went right to the source, the pinnacle of American art: the music video. Patrick was in the Ariana Grande music video Right There (featuring Big Sean)

 And honestly … I’m desperate to see him attempt a foreign accent. There is something about him which makes me think it would be a disaster. He looks and acts precisely how he looks and acts in Midnight Sun merely confirming that this is how he looks and acts normally. Unfortunately … he’s not the best actor. I’m trying to be diplomatic about it, but I really don’t think he’s a good actor currently. He’s 25 though, plenty of time to grow into some roles.

The BMT – I want to watch more romantic dramas. I feel like if I have a larger stable of experience to draw from I could sit here and tell you ten things that are wrong with it. Instead I’m like half crying and thinking “this ain’t so bad”. It’s a problem I had with horror (since remedied) and I think we tend to go with comedies in this category not surprisingly. I hope this experience makes us look to these types of films more often. Which is kind of crazy to say since Here on Earth is basically the number one best BMT of all time. I think Waiting For Forever ruined our experiences with the genre.

Welcome to Earf – Again, we’ve been going through a rough patch. I used the preview to remind myself that we’ve seen Rob Riggle now both in this and in The Killers with Ashton Kutcher, who was also in The Guardian with Neal McDonough, who was also in Street Fight: Legend of Chun Li with Chris Klein, who was also in Here on Earf! Wow, I forgot about Neal McDonough. That connects a bunch as well, even Zookeeper (via Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2)!

StreetCreditReport.com – There is one respectable list with this one on there and honestly … the criticism is real. I think I’m a little kinder because I’m just generally fine with the grossest aspect of the film (the exploitation of a real disease in a ludicrous manner), but probably because publicizing a disease is usually a good thing. But I understand the criticism. I have a feeling it will be forgotten in the real year-end lists though. It has 21% on Rotten Tomatoes, and has some genuinely fine reviews like the aforementioned RogerEbert.com review from the preview.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Midnight Sun Preview

“Truth or Dare, Bad Movie Twins,” Truth says. “Dare,” responds Patrick without hesitation. “We dare you to battle us,” Dare says with a laugh. Patrick and Truth engage in an increasingly tense battle of wits. Twisted twin riddles are thrown forth by Patrick, counterbalanced by Truth Bombs lobbed by Truth. As the furious battle gives way to grudging respect they turn their attention to Dare and Jamie who have decided on a physical confrontation. Twin Chops are counterattacked by Daring Dropkicks. As sweat and blood fly, Jamie can’t help but notice that the fight has become a dance of seduction. Patrick and Truth begin to get uncomfortable with the sexual tension in the room. It is thick in the air and when they look at each other Patrick quickly says “I’m married with four rambunctious kids, actually.” Truth nods. “Me too,” and with a smile and they begin to share pictures of their children. Meanwhile, Jamie and Dare continue fighting with furious passion. Suddenly Dare gets a big creepy smile on her face and asks again, “Truth or Dare, Jamie.” Jamie breathes heavily from exertion, but he knows what’s about to happen. “Truth,” he whispers. “Do you love me?” Dare asks breathlessly. “Yes,” Jamie responds, “Truth or Dare, Dare.” To which she also asks for truth. “Do you love me?” Jamie asks. “Yes,” Dare responds, “But you can’t love me. I have a medical condition called Statham’s Disease.” Jamie gasps. “Of course. It’s why you steal and parkour. To keep your adrenaline up at all times.” Truth lets out a sob and begins to run away. That’s right! We are watching Midnight Sun. A young girl has a very rare disease and a very hot new boyfriend. Will she tell him? Won’t she? Will she definitely die at the end totally Notebook-ing us? I assume so. Let’s get into it!

Midnight Sun (2018) – BMeTric: 12.6

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(Wowza, high rating. It is becoming increasingly obvious that anything below around 20 BMeTric is pretty rough. Which shouldn’t be a surprise. The number of “bad” films a year is debatable, but there were 158 films with IMDb ratings below 6.0 with over 3000 votes released in 2017. Out of any given year I would imagine we should be aiming to watch about 1/5th of those … which would be around 32 films. How many films have over 50 BMeTric? 33 in 2017. Which is why I tend to look to 50 as the general cut off for a guarantee watch. Which is correct I think. Anything below around 35 I imagine you have to look into the detes like with this or Death Wish. It also obviously depends on the genre. Teen rom-drams have inflated ratings and lower vote counts which hurt it … man, I really need to revamp the BMeTric into a real model.)

RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars –  “Midnight Sun” does what it means to do for the people it means to do it for—and that might just be enough. The 12-year-old girls who are the film’s target audience probably won’t realize what it’s derivative of: a little bit of John Hughes and a lot of “Love Story.” “Midnight Sun” also bears more than a slight resemblance to last summer’s Young Adult drama “Everything, Everything,” in which a rare disease supposedly spells doom for a blossoming teen romance.

(I’m actually getting the feeling that this film might be a secretly good film. I’m not the audience, but I think I’ll be able to channel my inner 12 year old and perhaps appreciate what it is trying to do. I hope I’m wrong though and that there is like … a ghost mom or something.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WS-kCiCVEp0

(I have a sneaking feeling of spoilees at the end there because … I mean, they kind of suggest she’s going to die if she’s outside and then at the end she’s outside so … Anyways, I’m getting bad acting vibes from Thorne and Schwarzenegger, but otherwise it looks incredibly sappy.)

Directors – Scott Speer – (Known For: Step Up 4: Miami Heat; Future BMT: I Still See You; Status Update; BMT: Midnight Sun; Notes: Both I Still See You and this can out this year … which is nuts. Was a music video director for years winning a multitude of awards in that industry.)

Writers – Kenji Bando (based on the motion picture screenplay “Taiyô no uta” by) – (BMT: Midnight Sun; Notes: There is little to nothing about the guy, but a Japanese screenwriter who wrote the film this film is a remake of.)

Eric Kirsten (screenplay) – (BMT: Midnight Sun; Notes: Has an unproduced script on the 2012 Blacklist called “The Lighthouse”, otherwise there is literally nothing about this guy in the trades.)

Actors – Bella Thorne – (Known For: Assassination Nation; The Babysitter; The Duff; Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day; Stuck on You; The Unbeatables; Future BMT: Amityville: The Awakening; Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip; Boo! A Madea Halloween; Ratchet & Clank; Big Sky; I Still See You; Finishing the Game: The Search for a New Bruce Lee; BMT: Blended; Midnight Sun; Notes: Was young Taylor Townsend on the O.C.! Has three actor siblings, but she’s the most famous.)

Patrick Schwarzenegger – (Known For: Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse; Stuck in Love; BMT: Grown Ups 2; The Benchwarmers; Midnight Sun; Notes: The son of Arnie! Started with roles in Happy Madison productions, and how he’s all growed up.)

Rob Riggle – (Known For: 12 Strong; The Hangover; 21 Jump Street; Step Brothers; Hotel Transylvania; The Other Guys; Hotel Transylvania 2; 22 Jump Street; Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby; Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life; Big Miracle; Going the Distance; Opening Night; Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story; Future BMT: Dumb and Dumber To; Nature Calls; The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard; Absolutely Anything; True Memoirs of an International Assassin; My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2; Larry Crowne; Night School; Hell and Back; How to Be a Latin Lover; The Internship; Let’s Be Cops; Just Before I Go; Status Update; BMT: Furry Vengeance; Killers; Unaccompanied Minors; Midnight Sun; Notes: Bam. Well known for his (pretty terrible) football comedy skits on whatever channel’s NFL pregame he works for. Was a Marine, but left to become a comedian. Was briefly on SNL before joining the Daily Show.)

Budget/Gross – $2.8 million / Domestic: $9,561,064 (Worldwide: $27,365,467)

(That seems fine. That’s what you need. Just like with Truth or Dare there is a level of safety with films like this since even $10 million, which you can maybe get just from teen girls, the movie probably breaks even.)

#107 for the Romantic Drama genre

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(Fifty Shades of Grey holds the top three highest grossing BMT film in the category. We’ve seen twelve in total, and a number of Nicholas Sparks adaptations which is fun. The lowest grossing BMT film? Surprisingly The Scarlet Letter. Interestingly while the number of theaters the genre occupies has rebounded since 2008, its recent box office success has been lackluster. Possibly could be getting sniped by Netflix originals like The Kissing Booth.)

#48 for the Teen Romance genre

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(Nothing will ever beat Here on Earth (although ooooo Endlesssss Looooooooove got the closest I think). That big peak is very obviously Twilight which is fun, and the genre has entered a relative slumber. It’ll be back.)

#63 for the Young-Adult Book Adaptations genre

midnightsun_yaadaptations

(These really fell off a cliff after Hunger Games huh. Definitely an interesting genre and one that will come back (there are a few this year, like Mortal Instruments). I think the favorite of the ones we’ve seen is The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. Great twin film. Also, BTW, this isn’t based on a book. There is a book novelization, but the movie isn’t based on it, it is a remake of a Japanese film.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 21% (12/56): Midnight Sun is a typically manipulative and contrived teen romance that’s unfortunately distinguished by its offensively inaccurate portrayal of a real-life disease.

(Hmmm, that’s actually weirdly promising. I will like to see how weird they go with the disease. The only other thing of interest was whether this was like a Sparks adaptation, and this reviewer seems to have answered my question in the negative. Reviewer Highlight: The authentic Sparks movies at least tend to be howlers, with shamelessly overcomplicated narratives and risible twists. Midnight Sun, on the other hand, is straightforward and trite. – Ignatiy Vishnevetsky, AV Club)

Poster – Midnight Sklog (D+)

midnight_sun

(Just like Truth or Dare this went with an arbitrary picture of our main characters for the thrust of the poster, which is bad. But it does have some quirky unique font, which is good. The rest is bad though. Like… I know they’re on a boat, but do you really want a poster where I have to guess that they’re probably on a boat?)

Tagline(s) – Dreams Come True at Night. (C+)

(Hmmmm, sounds like a tagline. It feels like a tagline. Certainly a little cliched, other than the fact that it works better for this film than perhaps the hundred other films it could have been the tagline for. At least it’s short.)

Keyword(s) – father daughter relationship; Top Ten by BMeTric: 89.6 Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997); 88.4 Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966); 87.6 BloodRayne (2005); 87.4 Crossroads (I) (2002); 86.9 Left Behind (I) (2014); 86.1 Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987); 86.0 In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007); 85.8 Fantastic Four (2015); 81.9 I Know Who Killed Me (2007); 80.3 Littleman (2006);

(So … every film ever? This is literally just a who’s who of terrible movies. And guess what? We watch a lot of bad movies. Even, on occasion, Uwe movies like BloodRayne.)

Notes – -It is based on the 2006 Japanese movie of the same name. (Unavailable for us to watch anywhere. Thank God… I mean, rats.)

Based on the teen novel of the same name by author Trish Cook. (FAKE NEWS! The Trish Cook book is a novelization of the screenplay for this film.)

In Love and War Recap

Jamie

Young Ernest Hemingway is injured while serving in the Red Cross during World War I. He ends up falling in love with the nurse caring for him, but their love seems destined to fail. Will he single handedly win WWI (no) and get the girl? Find out in In Love and War.

How?! Young Ernest Hemingway suuuuckks. He’s a young, whiny asshole who also rescues someone in Italy and gets shot in the leg in the process. While generally whining about everything, his nurse Agnes is a hero and saves his leg from amputation. He returns the favor by following her around, pestering her, claiming that she must love him, and touching her clothes and shit even though she tells him to stop. Eventually they go out on a date and he acts like a complete idiot and she more or less is like “maybe I’ll actually think about marrying this wildly successful Italian doctor that is super into me instead of you.” He gets all mopey and she ends up leaving to help closer to the front line. When he hears he’ll be shipping home Ernest goes to the line to see her one last time and despite being a complete buffoon they dance and have sex (not necessarily in that order). They totally promise that they will love each other forever, but there’s still that sexy italian doctor coming around whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Agnes breaks it off with Ernest, but while considering the doctor’s proposal has a change of heart and returns to the States. She makes one final attempt at reconciling with Ernest, but he’s too proud and is like “no, I don’t even like you. Whatever. I’m not crying. YOU’RE CRYING!” and she leaves. Ah, a love story for the ages. The End.

Why?! Well obviously love. Duh. In reality this is a story of two young people who are in pursuit of something that they can’t quite put their finger on. Perhaps it’s adventure, or maybe trying to find a direction in life other than what seems destined (marriage, becoming a doctor, or whatever), but regardless they collide at the worst possible moment for making their love work. He is immature, but sure of their love, and she is mature enough to be cynical about what their love could mean. In the end it explodes and messes them both up. Anyway, I think I wrote more seriously than this film is worth but Ernest Hemingway does seem fascinating despite being a whiny asshole.

What?! It was a strange twist when they revealed that Hemingway had to find an ancient magical relic called the Horn of Venice in order to gain the love of Agnes. JK, lolz. Not much in this one for MacGuffins, Plot Devices, or Product Placements. Really the closest we have is a multitude of endings whereby Hemingway and Agnes keep seeing each other in Italy and America. In reality she broke it off with him and they never saw him ever again. So that’s kind of like a plot device… if deviating from reality is a plot device.

Who?! Dedicated to Henry S. Villard who wrote the book and is portrayed by BMT fave Mackenzie Astin. Why is he a fave? Because he portrayed the main character Dodger in Garbage Pail Kids. We were so inspired that Patrick wrote a whole gritty reboot for the GPKU entitled Dodger that was… disturbing. It’s also fun because Villard in the film is kind of like a Planchet. He’s mostly dismissed and made fun of by Hemingway despite apparently being his good friend.

Where?! Venice, baby! Or at least thereabouts for almost the entire film. We get some really nice shots of the city and it plays a major role in the true(ish) love story of Agnes so indispensable. I gotta give it a solid A-.

When?! WWI, baby! Interestingly there is a pretty incredible dearth of WWI films in modern day. Totally overshadowed by WWII, which gets one or two every year. I guess it’s something like Slender Man vs. Friday the 13th. One has a bad guy you can’t get enough of and they keep pumping them out. The other is just a vague notion that is hard to convey concretely without getting bogged down narratively. Sorry WWI, you the Slender Man of wars. A.

This movie is fine. Makes me want to read some Hemingway and marvel at the fact that this film came out in the mid-90’s pretty much right when these types of films stopped being made. At this point it plays like a TV Movie for the BBC and I let it wash over me as such. The only major critique was that it ended at least five separate times… could have done with the first couple and that’s about it. As for Liz & Dick, I find it amazing that it was written about so extensively online as if it was the worst thing that has ever happened. First of all, ever watch the SyFy network? Second of all, the outcry at Lindsay Lohan’s performance seems totally unwarranted. Sure, I would guess that a film critic might be knowledgeable enough about film history to know that her vaguely transatlantic accent doesn’t actually match Elizabeth Taylor’s accent at all but guess who doesn’t know that? Me. She wasn’t even the worst actor in the movie and she showed off a little by squeezing out some tears here and there. It was fine. We’re fine. BMT’s fine. I SAID IT’S FINE! Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! World War I was a war of attrition with countries attempting to wait out supply lines and ammunition in fortified trenches for years on end. In Love and War attempts to do the same, waiting out my patience for what feels like years on end. Let’s get into it!

The Good – The vistas as usual. The story itself is somewhat interesting. It is almost one of those stories that seems so crazy that it couldn’t be true. A rare World War I film, and even rarer given it covers an aspect of that war that itself it basically never covered, the Italian front against Austria. O’Donnell would be good as a kind-of stunt cast given he embodies youthful naivety perfectly, although it becomes problematic I think in the grand scheme of things. Did I mention the vistas?

P’s View on the Preview – The thing that most critics seemed to cite is the incredibly, almost impossibly, bad chemistry between the leads. What I became somewhat interested in was Richard Attenborough, who beat out Spielberg for Best Director with Gandhi in 1982, acted in Spielberg’s Jurassic Park in 1993, and then directed this film two years prior to Spielberg creating one of the best war films ever in Saving Private Ryan. This is probably considered his worst directorial effort of his career which is notable.

The Bad – A bore. Not only because the war scenes don’t look particularly good or interesting, but because the story itself just kind of meanders around and then ends at least three times before finally closing out. Sandra Bullock is a particular weak spot playing opposite of an appropriately youthful and naive O’Donnell, although neither seem to be very good actors in the end. A waste of what is ultimately a pretty fascinating story.

You Just Got Schooled – To put it mildly there isn’t much to learn about this film without actually reading the book it is based on (whoops, sorry not sorry). Instead I think I’ll look at a little World War I analysis. Using the IMDb keyword there are eight films which qualify for BMT. Of those, only two are actually set on the battlefields of World War I, this and Flyboys starring James Franco. The Ottoman Lieutenant (starring Josh Hartnett) could also qualify, although it was only released to 200 theaters. Of those three In Love and War is actually the highest qualifying World War I film! Box Office Mojo agrees with this analysis, Flyboys and In Love and War are the only bad major releases based in World War I. As a matter of fact, the only other major releases since 1980 in the Box Office Mojo genre are Wonder Woman and War Horse. Which is astonishing. I think this will change soon. Wonder Woman has reignited interest in the genre, as will the upcoming Peter Jackson documentary.

The BMT – I doubt I will even remember this film by the time next week rolls around. It’ll maybe crop up if we ever watch another World War I film though. That is something I suppose. But no, it is very much not BMT material in the end.

Welcome to Earf – Alright, so Chris O’Donnell was in this and Batman & Robin as the titular Robin, which also starred Arnold Schwarzenegger who was in Expendables 3 with Sylvester Stallone, who was in Zookeeper with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was also in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – None. I even tried to look up the worst World War I films, and the one that was put above In Love and War is this guy, which is so small it has less than one thousand votes on IMDb and doesn’t even seem that bad. Given its Rotten Tomatoes rating and the fact that Leonard Maltin gave it a BOMB, it is impressive how under the radar the film is.

Bring a Friend Analysis – This week we watched the Lifetime Original film Liz and Dick. Staring Lindsay Lohan and … some guy, and Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, the film was … a Lifetime Original. As a matter of fact, it seems like it was better than I would have expected from such a film. Lohan is okay, and it is a bit surprising she doesn’t get any work acting anymore, she’s fine for roles like this honestly (which probably means she’s still a pain to deal with). The story is interesting, although the film itself felt like it was four hours long, which is a major downside. I’m going to give this a D+ as a friend. It needs to be done because of Lohan, but it is so unrepresentative of what I want in a Lifetime Original (drama up the wazoo), that I have to punish it severely. It is kind of just a special case which after you watch it you’ll think “yup … that was Lindsay Lohan in a Lifetime Original film … cool.” Not worth it.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs