Jade Recap

Jamie

David Corelli is the future DA of San Fran. That is until a prominent art dealer is found dead and his best friend’s wife, who also happens to be his ex-lover, is the lead suspect. It seems she’s been living a double life as the sultry Jade, mistress of the rich and powerful. Can he solve the crime, clear her name (and perhaps find love) before it’s too late? Find out in… Jade.

How?! The presumed future DA of San Fran, David Corelli, is pulled away from a high powered function to a gruesome murder scene of a rich businessman, Kyle Medford. He’s shocked to find that all evidence starts to point towards his former lover and prominent psychologist Katrina Gavin, wife of his best friend, defense attorney Matt Gavin… you getting this? They’re all rich… it’s all about rich people. Anyway, amongst Medford’s possessions is a video of the Governor of California having sex with a prostitute. Additionally a plethora of evidence suggests that Medford acquired high-end prostitutes for powerful men and then tapes them for blackmail. Things start going seriously awry as one of their only witnesses is killed, David has his brakes cut, and evidence begins to mount against Katrina. When shown the evidence, Katrina and Matt’s messed up married life spills over resulting in Katrina attempting to seduce David, which turns out to be her only alibi for another witness’s murder. Enraged, Matt confronts David at gunpoint, but they both realize that Katrina is in danger and rush to her aid. Arriving at the house they find an associate of the governor and colleagues of David’s attempting to kill her. They are subdued and the audience is like “phew, I’m really glad everything worked out a-ok for these rich fucked-up assholes. I hope there isn’t a twist where it turns out that they actually did it and got away with it.” But then there is. What a twist! Matt killed all the people and they got away with it and now uses that to blackmail Katrina into not leaving him… which is really gross. THE END.

Why?! As is typically the case, erotic thrillers kind of muddle the motivations. David just wants to solve the crime while Katrina really was living a double life as a high-end escort seemingly because she was bored with her life with adulterous Matt. Matt turns out to be the real sleezeball in the end. After finding out about Jade he creates the intricate plot of murder and mayhem to further entrap Katrina in his world and force her to take on her persona of Jade with him. It’s really quite gross when you lay it all out there. Not sexy really at all.

Who?! Usually we are highlighting Presidents here, but it is interesting to find the governor of a major state depicted. Richard Crenna plays Governor Edwards in this film. I wondered whether he played a President in his time. Answer? Yup. He played Ronald Reagan in the TV Movie The Day Reagan Was Shot… Governor of California and then onto the presidency… sounds familiar.

What?! I crossed my fingers and googled “Jade 1995 hatchet prop for sale” but alas not every dream can come true. I will instead highlight the rididididiculously long car chase that occurs in the middle of the film where David chases a suspect through a very very slow moving parade. The car in the chase was a modified ‘92 Thunderbird XL with some swizzeeet window louvers on the back. That’s kind of a product placement, for those that wish to be rad.

Where?! This is quite a good setting considering that you could easily imagine it set in Miami, Los Angeles, or any number of hot and steamy cities. In fact, thinking about it it’s really appropriate that it’s set in San Francisco since it’s not your typical hot and steamy erotic thriller. Doesn’t feel like a Miami erotic thriller. Got some sights and sound in there too. A-

When?! A nice solid A here as not only do you get a clear picture of a newspaper letting you know that it’s March 16, 1995, but there is a scene with an autopsy where it’s clearly stated exactly when the event is occurring. I think that might end up being the triad of temporal settings: newspapers, police stations, and medical facilities. Almost always get a non-holiday setting from one of those. A

Well… I did think this was watchable, but had a very, very strange tone to it all the way through. It almost felt like a less ridiculous 88 Minutes. That film seemed like a prank that someone played on Al Pacino a la The Game. Here everyone seemed like willing participants at least. It just seems very strange to have everyone in the film end up being the bad guy… like no one really comes out looking good in the end. And while I don’t require my films to have happy endings, I still squirm a little when it’s so unpleasant. I was pretty disappointed because erotic thrillers are usually so much fun with the weird twist and turns and the idea of “sexy” that shines through from the time period. This had all the ingredients, but instead of being “sexy” it’s like Friedkin was like, “well, if an erotic thriller happened in real life then it probably wouldn’t be sexy at all… it would probably be real depressing and gross… I got it!” Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! We were getting all hot and heavy with another erotic thriller. It really is just the best bad movie genre around. Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – The second Friedkin film in a row, but I was far more interested in Eszterhas, the writer. This film and Showgirls were both released within a month of each other in 1995. Quite the time for people to realize almost all of Eszterhas’ films were just kind of erotic garbage. Jade partially marks the end to the erotic thriller era in the early 90s, and thus has always been an exciting prospect for BMT.

The Good – Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. There are maybe some decent car stunts? Some nice San Francisco vistas. It runs like a erotic R-rated version of a tv show, like Law & Order. Which means the story itself is fairly uninteresting, but the progression through the investigation has a few nice spots along the way. It is pretty slim pickings to be honest.

The Bad – Shockingly the directing I thought was fairly terrible. Especially the beginning. The music was also rather intrusive at times. The acting is basically top to bottom terrible, I can’t think of a single person who came out looking good here. The film is very confusing and the twist is somehow both telegraphed and completely ridiculous. If it was just a bit clearer it might have been tolerable. And the film is more thriller than sexy and it is not nearly funny enough to manage a Color of Night legacy, instead it just demonstrated perfectly why these films stopped being made. If I could make up a tagline for the film I might go with “It’ll make you feel gross!” … that is the best way to describe the film.

The BMT – Erotic thrillers are always good for BMT as examples of a genre that is basically dead and only lives in our collective memory of the early 90s. This is the weakest I’ve seen and likely marks the genre’s last gasping breath. Otherwise there is very little reason I will ever watch this film. I will certainly not recommend it. It sadly isn’t a very good BMT film in the end.

Roast-radamus – A very minor Setting as a Character (Where?) for San Francisco here, although I think you could move this to Seattle or Los Angeles without too much issue. Would actually probably make the more sense in LA to be honest. It definitely falls into a Worst Twist (How?) category though with the reveal that Chazz Palminteri was the actual murderer after learning of his wife’s alter ego Jade and her infidelity … it is honestly quite confusing, but that is roughly what I gleaned from it. I think this could sneak into Bad as just an unpleasant film to watch, but hopefully we get worse films that Jade to flesh that category out.

StreetCreditReport.com – It manages an astonishing number two in the Rolling Stone list from 1995, just behind Eszterhas’ other film Showgirls. Also gets a number 7 shout from Den of Geek’s 10 most unerotic thrillers. The second is better cred. I’ve come around on my idea of cred recently I think. Being a very bad example of a small genre is more interesting that just being such a disaster that it is the worst of a year for me.

You Just Got Schooled – While it isn’t quite as good as Jade, I just had to get my eyes on David Caruso’s tour de force CSI: Miami. … What? You think I’m joking? I watched the first episode of CSI: Miami for BMT. And guess what? It was kind of good? Like, not good good, but like out of CSI, CSI: Miami, and NCIS I would go Miami every time based solely on the first episode. Things going for it: David Caruso isn’t a colossal dick to all of his subordinates, none of the subordinates sexually harass their co-workers, and you get those Miami vistas. I hated the two episodes of CSI I’ve seen, and I think it was the main characters fault as he was just a weirdo. NCIS while amazing and hilarious is literally the opposite of all those things I listed and makes me feel gross when I watch it. Will I watch more? Hell no. But David Caruso could have done a lot worse and seems like a good (tv) actor. So he’s got that going for him.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Advertisements

Jade Quiz

My mind is all cloudy. I remember meeting a sexy seductress named Jade and I was like “hey lady, I’m married, get your sexy antics outta here!” But then next thing I knew like fourteen people had died. Can you remember what happened in Jade?

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) In the beginning of the film our hero detective David Corelli is schmoozing it up at a dinner with his ex-girlfriend (Katrina) and her husband (Matt). What do these two people do for a living?

2) During this dinner David is called away to investigate a murder most foul. A creepy rich guy has been killed, and guess what? Katrina was there just that afternoon! Why was she there?

3) Creepy rich guy it turns out was extra creepy. He keeps little tins of pubic hair, a bunch of masks, and other bits and bobs … like blackmail! What super sensitive blackmail item do the detectives discover in creepy rich guy’s house?

4) Who is Jade?

5) In the end how is the case closed, and who was the murderer?

Answers

Jade Preview

Rich leans against the tree. He didn’t remember leaving the arcade and entering a dense forest, but it’s all good. His tree monster nanny goddess is here. “You must be Elvira. I’m Rich,” he says as he kisses her hand. “Pleasure,” she says and draws him deeper into the forest. Rich stumbles over a branch and Elvira catches him. “Just a Stumblebum Stanley,” they both say at the same time. “That’s my favorite saying,” again in unison. Elvira blushes. Rich rubs his neck, “I’m Stanley… I mean Rich,” He says and they both laugh. They soon find themselves discussing more of their favorite things: justice, love, kittens, and brown paper packages tied up in string. They attend a baseball game and end up on the kiss cam. They are driven apart by how different they are, but soon realize that those very differences are what make their love beautiful and they find themselves smooching in the rain. Suddenly Elvira is crying. Rich moves to wipe her tears away, “did I do something wrong?” he asks, but Elvira shakes her head. “Only made me love you,” she says, “which is why this is so hard.” While Rich wants to make a crude joke about exactly what else is hard, he doesn’t. Has he grown as a person? Is this… love? Elvira proceeds to tell Rich of Gruber’s dark plan to use her to deliver Rich and Poe into his clutches. “You must hate me,” she wails. But he can’t hate her. Never her. “Elvira, I’m just a boy, standing in front of an ancient tree monster nanny asking her to love him. I know our love is forbidden, but will you… will you make out with me… hard?” Gasping, with tears streaming down her face she whispers, “the hardest.” That’s right! We’re watching Jade. So out of the Friedkin pan and into the Friedkin as we go two in a row with the Exorcist director. This time it’s an erotic thriller (my personal favorite genre of BMT film) and apparently Siskel did not like this in the least. In fact he named it his least favorite film of 1995. Interestingly Ebert didn’t have it in his bottom five at all. His least favorite from that year was Mr. Payback… which I don’t think can be physically watched anymore… like literally I think that’s a lost film. Anyway, I’m just hoping we get some steamy action. Let’s go!

Jade (1995) – BMeTric: 45.1

JadeIMDb_BMeT

JadeIMDb_RV

(I feel like ten thousand votes is sooooooo low in this context. How isn’t the genre of 90s erotic thriller not a more attractive bad movie option … they are almost always hilarious.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  While investigating the brutal murder of a wealthy San Franciscan, assistant D.A. Caruso realizes to his dismay that his old flame (Fiorentino, married to his good friend Palminteri) may be involved. Sordid mystery/thriller from the seedy pen of Joe Eszterhas; has its moments (including an exciting S.F. car chase) but never rises above the mire. Unrated video edition has 12m. additional footage.

(Two stars is … interesting. Also this description sounds a lot more tame than I expected. I was hoping for a little more information about the sex scenes. Are they sexy? Are they not sexy? Yeah I checked his review of Color of Night and that’s about the extent of the discussion of sex scenes, so I’m not sure what I was expecting really.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yQ1L97C9FU/

(I have no idea what this film is about, but I’m excited. It look like a super erotic thriller. And by that I don’t mean super erotic, I mean a super “erotic thriller” and of the terribleness that genre implies.)

Directors – William Friedkin – (Known For: The Exorcist; The French Connection; Killer Joe; To Live and Die in L.A.; Cruising; Sorcerer; Bug; The Boys in the Band; Rampage; The Brink’s Job; Future BMT: Deal of the Century; The Hunted; Blue Chips; Rules of Engagement; BMT: Jade; The Guardian; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay for Cruising in 1981; Notes: Second Friedkin film in a row. Started in television directing an episode of The Alfred Hitchcock Hour.)

Writers – Joe Eszterhas (written by) – (Known For: Basic Instinct; Jagged Edge; F.I.S.T.; Music Box; Betrayed; Hearts of Fire; Telling Lies in America; Szabadság, szerelem; Future BMT: Showgirls; Sliver; An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn; Nowhere to Run; Flashdance; BMT: Basic Instinct 2; Jade; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay, Worst Supporting Actor, Worst New Star, and Worst Original Song for An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn in 1999; Winner for Worst Screenplay for Showgirls in 1996; Winner for Worst New Star for Ringmaster in 1999; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay in 1984 for Flashdance; in 1994 for Sliver; and in 1996 for Jade; Notes: Famous for his erotic thrillers. He used to write for Rolling Stone before starting to write screenplays. Showgirls and Jade were released less than a month apart in 1995.)

Actors – David Caruso – (Known For: First Blood; Twins; An Officer and a Gentleman; King of New York; Session 9; Mad Dog and Glory; Kiss of Death; Future BMT: Proof of Life; Thief of Hearts; BMT: Jade; Hudson Hawk; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst New Star in 1996 for Jade, and Kiss of Death; Notes: Definitely most famous now for his starring role in CSI: Miami. Prior to that he was mostly notable for his part in NYPD Blue.)

Linda Fiorentino – (Known For: Men in Black; Dogma; After Hours; Vision Quest; The Last Seduction; What Planet Are You From?; Where the Money Is; The Moderns; Chain of Desire; Future BMT: Larger Than Life; Liberty Stands Still; Kicked in the Head; Unforgettable; Gotcha!; Ordinary Decent Criminal; Queens Logic; BMT: Jade; Notes: Apparently won her role in Men in Black in a poker game with Barry Sonnenfeld.)

Chazz Palminteri – (Known For: The Usual Suspects; A Bronx Tale; Legend; Stuart Little; Running Scared; A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints; The Last Dragon; Analyze This; Hoodwinked!; Jolene; Bullets Over Broadway; Underdogs; The Perez Family; Hurlyburly; Henry & Me; Yonkers Joe; The Dukes; Future BMT: In the Mix; Down to Earth; Diabolique; Arthur and the Invisibles; The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure; A Night at the Roxbury; Mulholland Falls; Innocent Blood; Noel; Oscar; Faithful; BMT: Little Man; Jade; Notes: Has two children who act. His son Dante Palminteri has actually been in quite a few things, most notably Sharknado 2.)

Budget/Gross – N/A / Domestic: $9,851,610

(That looks like a disaster. I don’t think mid-90s erotic thrillers were expensive per se, but I also don’t think you are making them for like … $4 million, which is what would be what was required for this to be a success.)

#27 for the Thriller – Erotic genre

jade_eroticthriller

(The sweet spot for erotic thrillers was ‘92 to ‘96. It really seems like eventually everyone shrugged and was like “yeah that’s enough of that.” Recent examples include The Boy Next Door, but the best of them all I think was Color of Night. Can’t wait to see what the dying breath of the 90s boom looked like.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 14% (4/29): An ostensible erotic thriller that’s largely neither erotic nor thrilling, Jade marks one of several unfortunate low points for aggressively sexual mid-’90s cinema.

(You see that’s what I’m looking for. Just tell me whether it is sexy. We all know most erotic thrillers aren’t, just say it. Reviewer Highlight: Writer Joe Eszterhas’s follow-up to his Showgirls fiasco is every bit as hopeless, and this time he takes some good actors down with him. – Bruce Diones, New Yorker)

Poster – Sexy Dangerous (A)

jade

(I actually like this poster quite a bit. The framing is artistic, the color scheme is good, and the font is… different? Right? That ‘J’ is just a little too long (if you know what I mean), right? I’m not imagining it? It’s telling me a story and that story is sexy dangerous.)

Tagline(s) – Some fantasies go too far. (B-)

(Just not clever enough. The ‘J’ on the poster is more clever than this… it’s just a tad bit too long, right?…. RIGHT?!)

Keyword(s) – female full frontal nudity; Top Ten by BMeTric: 85.8 Piranha 3DD (2012); 73.6 Showgirls (1995); 66.1 The Canyons (2013); 65.7 Rape Me (2000); 62.5 9 Songs (2004); 61.7 Srpski film (2010); 57.7 Wild Orchid (1989); 55.3 Color of Night (1994); 54.9 Nurse 3D (2013); 54.5 The Informers (2008);

(Some of those aren’t happening. We’ve seen The Canyons (at least … I have, for the Razzies if I recall correctly). Showgirls I’ve also seen, but we need to rewatch it (for sure). And Wild Orchid kind of rounds things out. The rest are bigger question marks.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 24) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: David Caruso is No. 1 billed in Jade and No. 7 billed in Hudson Hawk, which also stars Bruce Willis (No. 1 billed) who is in The Whole Ten Yards (No. 1 billed), which also stars Natasha Henstridge (No. 4 billed) who is in Ghosts of Mars (No. 1 billed), which also stars Jason Statham (No. 3 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 1 + 7 + 1 + 1 + 4 + 1 + 3 + 1 + 4 + 1 = 24. If we were to watch Unforgettable we can get the HoE Number down to 13.

Notes – According to Joe Eszterhas’s autobiography he hated the final film. Director William Friedkin changed Eszterhas’s script so much, he threatened to remove his name from the credits. Paramount settled with him by giving him a “blind script deal” worth two to four million dollars. Later, Friedkin admitted that he did virtually rewrite the script, but Friedkin also said that this film was his most favorite film he had ever made. (Probably made it better)

Linda Fiorentino initially turned down the script because she didn’t want to play a prostitute. She changed her mind when her character was changed through rewrites. (See, Friedkin’s work already working out)

Warren Beatty turned down the role of David Corelli. (That would have been fun)

David Caruso’s second starring role of 1995 after Kiss of Death (1995). Both pictures were box-office disasters. Ironically, Caruso had left the highly successful NYPD Blue (1993) to star in these films. (And then he became a CSI mega-star)

When O.J. Simpson’s Trial of the Century ended with a Not Guilty verdict, he stated to the press that he was going to see this movie. (Weird … oh yeah, he also saw Showgirls which was written by the same person, and came out like three weeks before)

Kenneth Branagh was the first choice for the part of Matt Gavin. (Whaaaaaaaaa?)

2nd film that Michael Biehn did with William Friedkin. The first was Rampage (1987). (Ebert loved that film)

Kevin Tighe who appears as district attorney Arnold “Cliff” Clifford in Jade was also in another 48 hrs when he played an internal affairs officer working with the DA looking at Nick Nolte’s character Jack Cates on a manslaughter charge which turns out to be a frame up. Both movies were composed by James Horner and set in San Francisco. (Cooooooool)

The rest of the notes just aggressively gave away the end of the film

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Joe Eszterhas, 1996)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (David Caruso, 1996)

Town & Country Recap

Jamie

Porter and Ellie are extremely successful and extremely wealthy and seemingly have a perfect marriage… other than the fact that Porter is having multiple affairs for reasons unknown. Can he stop having affairs, stop lying to everyone, and stop being a giant asshole before it’s too late? Find out in… Town & Country.

How?! Porter is a very very very very very very rich architect married to an equally successful interior designer, Ellie. Unfortunately Porter has a problem: he can’t seem to stop having affairs. Even when the marriage of their best friends falls apart as a result of an affair he can’t see just how disastrous a choice he is making and almost immediately falls back in bed with his cellist mistress. To make matters worse Ellie is so concerned for her soon-to-be-divorced friend that she asks Porter to accompany her down to Mississippi to check in on her property where they totally bang (seems like a mistake). Returning to NYC dead set on ending the affair, Porter and her end up banging again and almost get caught by Ellie. Upon their return to the city it’s revealed that Ellie has discovered Porter’s affair with the cellist (who is apparently also pregnant) and at last Porter admits everything. Porter and his friend, now both set to be divorced, decide to take a trip to Idaho to a secluded cabin. There Porter proceed to almost have affairs with two more crazy women (at this point he literally seems like the worst person in the world) only to be discovered by his children who have come to talk sense into him. Disgusted they storm off and Porter realizes everything he has lost. Returning to NYC he attempts to reconcile with Ellie only to have all the women he’s had affairs with show up at the same time. Coming to grips with his own foibles, Porter admits all the terrible mistakes that he’s made and bears his soul to Ellie. Realizing that they still love each other they decide to attempt to work through their issues in their own time. THE END.

Why?! Porter seems to indicate at the beginning of the film that the affairs are out of the ordinary and yet through the next two hours they all seem quite routine. It got to the point where I started to assume he was an unreliable narrator and in fact he was always a lying scumbag. Only at the end of the film does he reveal that he started having affairs because in his old age he feet like he lost something. He thought some youthful indiscretions may recapture the magic (he is of course wrong and instead he loses everything he cares about). Well that sounds like an OK film… why do none of those motivations show up on screen and instead we have to watch a rich asshole act like a rich asshole for two hours?

Who?! Vera Wang has had two major motion picture credits in her career, both of which we have now watched for BMT. The first was for Bride Wars, which makes sense as I assume she provided the wedding dresses used in that one. The credit she got here was also for “Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn’s wedding dresses,” which is interesting since I don’t remember them in wedding dresses in the film… maybe in a picture or something?

What?! Do you think the magazine Town & Country was cool with this being named after them? Doesn’t seem like much of a product placement as it’s more or less making fun of what is considered the stereotypical audience of the magazine.

Where?! This is ridiculously NYC. The entire concept is built around the highest of the highfalutin Manhattanite (with a beach hour in The Hamptons, obvs). To nice effect they travel to the rare BMT locales of Mississippi and Idaho under the guise that these types of people just randomly own property around the country that they never visit, don’t give a shit about, and let fall into disrepair until their lives are such a disaster that they are forced to go out there. I gotta give this an A because I don’t think the film makes any sense other than set in NYC.

When?! For a while I didn’t think we’d get an exact time for the film, but then out of nowhere popped up a Secret Holiday Film Alert. In the midst of his marital troubles our boy Porter attends a Halloween party dressed as a polar bear and gets into all types of farcical hijinks which results in the final dissolution of his marriage. Hilarious! A-

This is a BMT mystery for the ages right here. While this was not a good movie on either an artistic or BMT level, Patrick and spent more time discussing it than 95% of BMT films. Why? Because we truly couldn’t wrap our heads around how it could seemingly misfire on almost everything up until the very end of the film. It’s tough to watch such an unlikeable guy do a series of relatively mundane things for two hours. Not to mention the fact that everyone is like cartoon NYC rich. The only redeeming thing about it is that Gary Shandling is pretty funny here and there and Andie MacDowell is so convincing as an absolute crazy person that it made me momentarily forget that she is beautiful. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Town & Country? More like Boring & Unfunny. Amirite? I am. I am right, this movie is boring and unfunny. Let’s get into it!

P’s View on the Preview – This isn’t quite at the point of a “forgotten film”. I should try and quantify this at some point, but a forgotten film is basically a film that just … no one watches? Like Hex … I’ve never heard of this film, it looks like a kind of parody of the erotic thrillers we all know and love from the early 90s, and it was released to 2000 theaters. Anyways, Town & Country is probably still known for being Beatty’s last big release, but it was still a film I had personally never really heard of beyond whispers of its financial shortcomings. I was a tabula rasa.

The Good – Some of the acting was solid. Andie MacDowell comes to mind. I like Gary Shandling. And for what they needed to do Keaton and Hartnett and Vessey also did a fine job. If you like looking at rich people (like … REALLY rich people) live their rich (like REALLY rich) lives, then this has a few moments of like “hey you are flippantly flying to Paris on a private jet for a birthday weekend … that’s cool”. I think I laughed once which is actually probably above average.

The Bad – The entire film is a disaster. An unmitigated disaster. You can even tell points in which they tried to massage the story into something more palatable. Like, hmmmm it seems weird that Beatty decides to cheat on his wife a whole bunch right after seeing his best friend’s life get ruined by doing the same thing … uh, let’s add a little beginning part explaining that no, he’s been cheating all along! Wait … is that better? It seems worse. He tries to cheat with four women, but only succeeds with two of them, but the movie would have been more fun if he succeeded with all of them and realized that it didn’t help his midlife crisis, or if he tried but just couldn’t manage it like what happened in Curb Your Enthusiasm. The movie feels about, oh, four hours too long? It really is a marvel, I’m still chewing this movie over in my mind days later.

The BMT – You know, this isn’t a traditional BMT favorite, but maybe it should be. We discussed the ins and outs of how this could possibly be made for like an hour. We fixed it, debated it, raged over it. It was a really fun discussion about a really really not-fun film. Which is amazing. We’d probably have to seek out more dramas to get the same feeling. This was a “comedy”, but the most interesting part was how it tried to straddle the line between drama and comedy and managed to be a bad version of both.

Roast-radamus – There probably were product placements, but I’m too poor to notice them. There wasn’t a Planchet, but there was an interesting Odd-Ensemble thing going on, with like forty different caricatures all floating around Beatty at any given time, but that isn’t a category (yet). Setting as a Character (Where) is definitely in play for New York City. Also Secret Holiday Film (When) in that the climax of the film takes place at and after a big Halloween bash, which is actually quite excellent. I don’t think it’ll make Good/Bad/BMT, but it is closest to Bad.

StreetCreditReport.com – Amazingly this Empire article from 2010 lists this as 48th worst film ever … which is insane. But really I’m just here for the juice goss (that’s short for gossip). And this article dishes like whoa. That’s some cred.

You Just Got Schooled – I really couldn’t find anything specifically about the film, so let’s go with a bit of data analysis for fun. Jamie and I have been exploring an idea of notability in film. And how do you know something is notable? That’s right, the thing in question has a wikipedia page. So how many people involved with Town & Country are notable? Well there are 218 people in the fill cast on IMDb. Of those an impressive 51 have wikipedia pages. And sure, Warren Beatty and Diane Keaton, but there are surprising ones as well. And Jamie mentioned, Vera Wang gets a special thanks on Town & Country. And yes, this would count towards your notability. After all, just being able to put that in your film is a level of notability I could only dream of. Stay tuned, “notability” is the next big Bad Movie Twins metric.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Town & Country Quiz

Because this film lulled me into a weeks long coma, I nearly forgot to make a quiz. I would never fail our loyal fan(s) (I’m sure there is more than one, but you never know).

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) During the film we see Warren Beatty try to have an affair with four different women. Describe them.

2) There are, in the beginning of the film, seven people living in Warren Beatty’s house including himself. Name the other six.

3) What are Beatty and Keaton’s jobs? What is Shandling’s job?

4) This film is a-jet-setting, and Beatty ends up in four different locations during the film. Name them.

5) As Beatty and Keaton are proceeding through their divorce what item (I don’t need specifics) makes Keaton rethink her decision to go through with it immediately?

Answers

Town & Country Preview

“Just be careful in there,” Sergeant Godzilla says and he shakes his head and zooms away. Jamie and Patrick enter the troll’s apartment and the aroma is overwhelming. Never have they smelled something quite like it. They hesitantly ask, “Is that… banana bread?” The troll laughs. Of course it is and of course they can have some. The pleasantries continue and Jamie and Patrick find themselves thinking that perhaps this troll isn’t as bad as Godzilla thought. He almost seems like… a friend. And friends don’t trick friends. Those are the rules. “Gerald,” Patrick asks, “Have you ever heard of a couple of gritty cops named Rich and Poe?” For a moment it looks like Gerald’s smile has turned to a snarl, but then it’s gone. “Oh, why yes. Nasty fellows. Always after treasures and antiquities. Gets them tied up in nasty plots. Why?” Patrick hesitates, but Gerald seems fine now. Same old Gerald they know and love. “Oh no reason,” he says, “they… are our uncles.” Gerald eyes them. “Is that right? Well there is a way to find them but… nevermind, you wouldn’t be interested.” They prod him forward and Gerald smiles, “It’s called the Medallion of Wisdom. With it you can find whatever you desire. Some think it’s legend, but I know where it is,” the troll leans in hungrily, “Make a promise and I’ll tell you. Promise you’ll help me in the future.” Patrick has seen Gerald’s true face and is horrified. No. No, never. They’ll never agree with this monster.  “Yeah, sure,” Jamie mumbles over a mouthful of banana bread as Patrick looks on in horror. Gerald smiles wickedly, “It’s in a ski chalet of a man I know. A real rich guy with lots of treasures but sadness in his heart.” That’s right! We’re watching Town & Country. A story of two cops Johnny Town and Fred Country. Town is a small town sheriff with a southern twang and smarts to boot, while Country is a big city cop ready to crack some skulls if it means solving the big case… oh wait, that’s just what I wish it was. It’s actually a Warren Beatty film about a rich asshole or something. Huge bomb, but not big enough to be the on the worst ever list because it was rejected. Let’s go!

Town & Country (2001) – BMeTric: 45.6

TownCountryIMDb_BMeT

TownCountryIMDb_RV

(Wow, extremely impressive hold on the rating. Presumably that’s because not very many people just stumble upon the film, but rather they know it is going to be garbage going in. Regardless, there is potential there. A good ratings hold is usually a good sign.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars – Two couples celebrate their long-term marriages – just as both relationships start to come apart. A train wreck of a movie that starts out as romantic comedy, lurches into French farce, then lumbers along to a point beyond comprehension. The cast tries its best. Cowritten by Buck Henry, who appears as a divorce lawyer. Filmed mostly in 1998.  

(I honestly had a hard time parsing this review initially, much like this film it went on just long enough that I kind of lost the thread. Having now watched this film Maltin nails it, it really is like three different movies stuck together.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPX_1XQtmB4/

(What a strange looking film … Like really, I can’t even really place the sensibility. I guess maybe it goes back to the comedies of the 60s and 70s? This flippant observational humor about cheating on your spouse. With a oddly goofy twist.)

Directors – Peter Chelsom – (Known For: Serendipity; Hannah Montana: The Movie; Shall We Dance; The Mighty; Funny Bones; Hear My Song; BMT: Town & Country; The Space Between Us; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director for Town & Country in 2002; Notes: A very accomplished British director. Considers surviving this shoot an achievement in itself.)

Writers – Michael Laughlin (written by) – (Known For: Strange Invaders; Strange Behavior; BMT: Town & Country; Notes: He seems like he had a crazy life. He’s 80, he produced films in the US and the UK, he lived in Paris, he seems to have been all up in Hollywood for his entire life, and yet his filmography is still rather svelte.)

Buck Henry (written by) – (Known For: The Graduate; Get Smart; To Die For; Catch-22; The Last Act; Candy; What’s Up, Doc?; The Owl and the Pussycat; The Day of the Dolphin; Future BMT: The Nude Bomb; Protocol; First Family; BMT: Town & Country; Notes: Directed Heaven Can Wait with Beatty. Is the founding member of the Five Timer’s Club on SNL.)

Actors – Warren Beatty – (Known For: Heaven Can Wait; Dick Tracy; Bonnie and Clyde; Shampoo; Rules Don’t Apply; Splendour in the Grass; Bugsy; Reds; McCabe & Mrs. Miller; The Parallax View; Bulworth; Lilith; The Heist; Future BMT: Love Affair; The Fortune; BMT: Ishtar; Town & Country; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director for Town & Country in 2002; and Nominee for Worst Remake or Sequel for Love Affair in 1995; Notes: Nominated four times for Best Actor (embarrassingly lost to In the Heat of the Night in the same year he was in Bonnie and Clyde. Embarrassing because he wasn’t up against Portier, he was up against Steiger which is ridiculous). Won Best Director of Reds.)

Diane Keaton – (Known For: The Godfather; The Godfather: Part II; Book Club; The Godfather: Part III; Annie Hall; Something’s Gotta Give; Finding Dory; Baby Boom; The First Wives Club; Father of the Bride; Manhattan; Morning Glory; The Family Stone; Reds; Looking for Mr. Goodbar; Marvin’s Room; Father of the Bride Part II; Radio Days; Sleeper; Love and Death; Future BMT: Look Who’s Talking Now; Hanging Up; Mama’s Boy; Mad Money; Christmas with the Coopers; Smother; And So It Goes; Darling Companion; The Other Sister; The Lemon Sisters; Mrs. Soffel; BMT: Town & Country; The Big Wedding; Because I Said So; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress for Because I Said So in 2008; Notes: Y’all know BMT super star Diane Keaton! Amazingly still a fashion icon into her seventies, literally all of the news stories about her is about what she’s wearing.)

Nastassja Kinski – (Known For: Paris, Texas; The Hotel New Hampshire; Inland Empire; Cat People; Tess; Playing by Heart; One from the Heart; In weiter Ferne, so nah!; To the Devil a Daughter; The Wrong Move; An American Rhapsody; The Claim; Savior; Your Friends & Neighbors; The Intruder; Future BMT: Fathers’ Day; Terminal Velocity; Revolution; One Night Stand; Unfaithfully Yours; BMT: Town & Country; Notes: Klaus Kinski’s daughter. Apparently has a form of Narcolepsy.)

Budget/Gross – $90 million / Domestic: $6,719,973 (Worldwide: $10,372,291)

(Actually considered one of the greatest financial disasters in the history of film, up with The Adventures of Pluto Nash. I would say it likely destroyed Beatty in terms of getting films done as the on-set reports kind of make it sound like it was his fault they went so far over budget.)

#282 for the Romantic Comedy genre

townandcountry_romanticcomedy

(Almost the worst we’ve ever seen. Say It Isn’t So narrowly edges it out. It looks like rom-coms are coming back into style a bit. Especially if things follow Crazy Rich Asian’s lead.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 13% (12/93): Afflicted with extensive re-editing and re-writing, this sex comedy feels confusingly choppy. Also, the main characters are so wealthy and privileged that it’s difficult to feel sympathy for their problems.

(Yeah based on the trailer alone the people seem totally despicable. There was a trend in comedies wasn’t there? Where, in order to facilitate all of the wacky adventures the characters were going to go on, they needed to be fabulously wealthy. And probably a misguided idea that people want to gawk at rich people’s houses or something.)

Poster – Sklog & Country (C-)

town_and_country_ver1

(I don’t like it but I appreciate it. The framing, the font, it’s all good… but just doesn’t work for me without a color scheme. My eyes tell me ‘No.’)

Tagline(s) – There’s no such thing as a small affair. (B+)

(I don’t see this on the poster, but I’ll allow it because it’s solid. It’s short-ish and clever and tells me a little something. Good stuff.)

Keyword(s) – infidelity; Top Ten by BMeTric: 90.7 The Room (2003); 84.5 Movie 43 (2013); 82.2 Skyline (2010); 79.0 The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1994); 78.9 Pledge This! (2006); 70.0 The Boy Next Door (2015); 69.0 Knock Knock (I) (2015); 65.7 Baise-moi (2000); 65.3 The Canyons (2013); 64.6 Dr. T & the Women (2000);

(Dr. T & the Women, my old friend. Probably the highest BMeTric of any film that doesn’t actually qualify. I’ve seen the Canyons. It is terrible.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Josh Hartnett is No. 9 billed in Town & Country and No. 3 billed in Here on Earth => 9 + 3 = 12. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Considered to be one of the biggest box-office disasters of all time. Pluto Nash (2002) is the largest in terms of financial loss with a budget of 100 million dollars, and a domestic gross of 4.41 million dollars. Town & Country cost around 90 million dollars to make, and it pulled in only 6.7 million dollars at the U.S. box-office.

Buck Henry was hired for what was originally only going to be a few weeks of script polishing work. Eventually, he stayed on for several months and ended up earning (by some accounts) three million dollars for rewriting roughly half of the script. Henry has stated that he bought a new house with the money he made on this “quick rewrite assignment”.

Following the film’s failure, Warren Beatty wasn’t involved with another film until Rules Don’t Apply (2016). (Yeah, he didn’t have a particularly good record from the 90s onward I don’t think)

Over forty million dollars had been spent on actor and writer salaries even before the cameras began rolling. (Oof)

The film was released three years after filming initially began in 1998.

Charlton Heston’s 75th film.

Filming was originally supposed to wrap by the fall of 1998 for a summer or fall 1999 release. Various problems occurred during filming, however, including Warren Beatty’s meticulous demand for many takes.

Filming had to be shut down after five months so that Diane Keaton, Garry Shandling, and Jenna Elfman could honor prior commitments. Shandling was in What Planet Are You From? (2000), while Keaton was in Hanging Up (2000), which she also directed. It would take a full year before they could gather the cast back together to film the new pages written by Buck Henry.

Reshoots were scheduled to begin on April 10, 2000, and expected to last just a couple of weeks. However, filming continued through June 2000, when it finally wrapped two years after principal photography originally began.

The winter mountain scenes (filmed in Sun Valley, Idaho) started filming in the early winter. Unfortunately, there was no snow on the ground at the time. Several scenes were filmed with man-made snow. After filming these scenes, over a foot of natural snow feel the next day. Some of the scenes were re-shot in the “natural” background.

Gérard Depardieu was cast but had to be replaced by Garry Shandling because of a road accident.

Peter Chelsom and Warren Beatty clashed frequently over various details in the script and the visuals.

Such was the protracted nature of the film’s production, it burned through 13 release dates.

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Charlton Heston, 2002)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Goldie Hawn, 2002)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Peter Chelsom, Warren Beatty, 2002)

Here on Earth Recap

NOTE: This was an original recap from 2012 for the film Here on Earth. In a way it started the modern BMT recap, although it would still be another year before our email recap was more than a few notes. It originally included a good number of self-hosted video bits, but I’ve removed them to avoid any possibility of legal issues, and tried my best to get across the intent of each of them. But … just look at how long it is! Yeah, I had a job back then and everything. I think I wrote this in an hour long manic state of ecstasy. Enjoy!

Recap

Well boys and girls, it is with sadness that I have to report that Bad Movie Thursday has ended. What you all didn’t know was that BMT was just a pretense for me and Jamie’s search for the perfect movie, the one movie to unite the world in peace. That search ended last Thursday when we watched Here on Earth, nay! When it allowed us to view its beauty, its majesty … its message. Guided by LudaChris Klein himself we walked the shores of heaven and laughed in childlike wonder as he gently explained how the world can be, how it will be, once we pass along his message to the unconverted. Robert Frost said it best when …

Now that that is over, BMT has not ended, but it might as well have because all others can only hope to be a shadow of its greatness. It had everything, a soundtrack that reads like Best of the 90s: Vol 12, constant unnecessary slo-mo, a rich versus poor dynamic that never quits, and some of the absolute worst (read: best) performances put forth by Chris Klein and Leelee Sobieski. Meanwhile, Josh Harnett acts circles around everyone involved and they close by (spoiler alert!) Notebooking us with a surprise cancer diagnosis and death. Holy shit, needless to say it’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past couple of days. Buckle your seatbelts, and if you didn’t watch it they you should pencil in some time.

“Story”line

So we open with a little acoustic guitar riff and shots of a sweet car getting driven through the quaint town of Putnam, Massachusetts. You immediately know the dynamic of the town because as it passes through poorville Sobieski’s says: “somebody’s lost” because none of us Poory McPoors are buying a car like that. Rolston is a prep school that is, on the other hand, extremely wealthy as one can see from the fact that people row there.

The car arrives are Rolston and whoooooweeee is the principal mad. He tries to relate to Chris Klein because his father isn’t coming to graduation, but Chris goes all screw-you-old-man-you-don’t-know-me and pretends he doesn’t care because his father is making mad stacks of cash for him. He also puts down his whole class by calling them whining children. They conclude with Klein strutting about and riffing with his friends about how many ladies they’d all get with his car. With a flourish he reveals that he stole his car keys from the principal and they are going to take a little joy ride that night.

This is where things get interesting. Klein decides they’re all going to Mable’s Table where all the townies are hanging out. For some reason all the Rolston kids are terrified of going into this diner. Reminds me of my home town where all of the tourists are afraid to come to the local bar because the townies will beat the shit out of them. You know what I’m talking about Jamie. Leelee’s there with Hartnett and his friend (dubbed Mathew Lillard Jr. for his sweet bleach blonde hair and extreme sidekickness). Leelee basically tells Hartnett that it’s ovah babyyyyyy by not writing their name on the Lover’s Wall and instead takes over for her sister waiting tables. Her fear of commitment is disconcerting to Hartnett, but he’s in high school so he rolls with it.

Klein and his friends enter and Klein proceeds to verbally accost poor Leelee. Like no joke he pretty much sexually assaults her. She immediately falls in love with him (natch). We are later led to believe that Leelee falls in love with his heart, in reality we can read between the lines and I think she just kind of likes assholes and Hartnett was just too nice for her. Plus just hear these smoove lines by Klein: “What’s good here besides the help?” “Do you really make your own ice cream” “How does one make you own ice cream” Note the accent on cream in those last two. I thought Klein was just saying it weird … now I’m wondering whether it is sexual innuendo. If it is that is supremely creepy. Harnett conducts his first acting lesson of the night and Chris Klein responds by calling all the townies poor. It is quite a speech. But hey guys …. He has a good heart.

A scuffle ensues and Klein basically tells Hartnett his girlfriend is probably going to dream of him tonight. The actual word is “fantasy file” which isn’t a real phrase. Klein speeds off and Hartnett, on principle, decides to race him. This inevitably results in a huge explosion that destroys Mabel’s (no one is hurt). It would have been a much different movie if someone had died, like Sleepers style. Klein and Hartnett go to prison. They are enemies, but for survival they become reluctant allies and then friends. I’m going to call it Shawshank Redemption 2: Rich and Poe. In this version of the script Klein’s character is ironically called Poe and Harnett’s is ironically called Rich. This may also be a Fox Family series in which Poe is forced to move in with Rich and comedy ensues, they’re such an odd couple!

Anyways. Now we get to see how justice is really served in small town USA … the same way as everywhere else, in a courtroom. Klein has Nerd Alert McGee as his lawyer (complete with bow tie) who’s all like: “excuse me, but can’t my client just pay everyone a ton of money and we can lay this matter to rest?” And the judge basically responds “what world do you live in where what you said makes any sense?” Regardless, the judge decides that they’re going to have to do something different with these boys and makes them rebuild Mabel’s Table and thus Klein must live in Hartnett’s house! Everyone seems satisfied although it does seem to dawn on them that Mabel’s Table is one of the dumbest restaurant names they’ve ever heard in their life.

As an aside: the movie would have been better if Hartnett put his and Leelee’s name on the Love Wall. In the movie Leelee just kind of gets all grumpy and starts cheating on Hartnett with Klein and generally acts pretty terribly towards him. In my version Hartnett tries to make up with her and when he claims they’re on the Love Wall she can say “you burned the Love Wall down.” I never got the sense she drifted from Hartnett because of that incident (which would have made more sense), but rather out of boredom making her intentions, while perhaps more real, a bit muddied. Whatevs.

Klein moves into Hartnett’s house and his disgust with the poor accommodations is palpable. He sees a rat and everything and we feel for him because of the sheer poorness of the house. Hartnett tries to make Klein milk some cows but Klein doesn’t do peasant work and walks out. Good call by Klein, if his servants every found out he milked a cow they would probably demand wages and whatnot. Meanwhile, Leelee has inexplicably made up with Hartnett because he fails adorably at making noises with a blade of grass and then a mysterious knee injury is revealed. Afterward we get some sermon from a priest and Matthew Lillard Jr. grosses everyone out by making out with his girlfriend who runs her hands through his frosted tips never realizing how much she will regret her high school choices in the future.

And then we get it. Chris Klein monologue #1. I think it is in his contract that he gets at least 2.5 monologues a movie, so the director made up a valedictorian speech he had to miss because he’s a dipshit. It is … well it’s just Birches by Robert Frost basically. Are you kidding me? How did I not know about this when I graduated high school, this would have definitely been my speech, and no one would have been the wiser (although I would have been booed off stage …. Worth it). Leelee sees the whole thing and is intrigued to say the least.

Leelee macks the mack by bringing Klein a sandwich, everyone enjoys some solid 90s Yo Mother jokes, and then Hartnett and Klein get into a scuffle. You know it is a movie because Hartnett, who sports some sweet bird arms and is built like a scarecrow, defeats Klein, who appears to have just finished up a really worthwhile cycle of anabolic steroids. Hartnett has a heart to heart with his mother who points out that Klein might as well be an orphan so cut him some slack. In this scene Hartnett “plays” the piano. In reality piano noises just play during a close up shot of his face. It’s pretty funny how little they tried here, but if Hartnett can actually play the piano they did him a disservice.

And then we get two amazing scenes in a row. First, Leelee pretty much jumps Klein. This flirty banter is amazing. Two notes. One, Klein is shirtless which was inevitable. Two, the beginning of that scene was ridiculous. Leelee stares lustily at Klein’s bod and says “I’m hot … … … … … I’m going to get something to drink.” It sounds like she’s drunk. It actually reminds me of that video of the Brady Bunch where the one kid was stoned for a scene. The scene is similar to how me and my wife met. I was working hard during college orientation (shirtless, natch). She came over to get a drink and that was all the opening I needed. Hook-line-and-sinker. I call that move the Charlie Nash Interpol because it makes the girls go crazy.

The second scene is then their date, which is also amazing. It’s in a ballpark and they pretend to play baseball and stuff. Sobieski is the worst and also cannot even fake throw a baseball which is hilarious. They talk about life and love and then make out. Klein’s clinching line is the inexplicable: “I was just wondering if there was mustard or …” referring to the sandwich she gave him hours ago. Oscar snub that year for sure. Since my wife doesn’t read these recaps she doesn’t know that this is happening, this is going to be a date we have. And I’ll force her to read lines with me and reenact the whole thing. We’ll break up for a bit, but she’ll forgive me. I’ve trapped her.

We move quickly from here. Leelee’s family is super concerned Klein is a hit-it-and-quit it guy from Rolston. Ironically, after they do have sex, it is Leelee who ends up dying almost immediately after. Sobieski breaks it to Harnett that … well nothing really. Not great life choices here for m’girl Leelee. Poor Hartnett is just getting dragged along. This is followed by a revolting scene in which Klein kisses a bunch of Leelee’s body parts (a creepy focus is on the feet) and calls them states. Florida is her feet, North and South Carolina the knees. The belly button is Maryland. And, because he’s a classy guy, he skips over New York and New Jersey, her breasts, for New England, her face. The closing line “Massachusetts welcomes you” by Leelee completed the amazing performance.

The following scene gives us our first glimpse of Sobieski running which she is somehow worse at than throwing fake baseballs. Upon seeing this Klein’s response should have been “Are you sure you were a track athlete? Didn’t focus on the ‘field’ aspect of those sports?” Sobieski then explains to Klein that she’s going to the dance with Hartnett. Klein naturally doesn’t understand, and neither do we. There is a very confusing schedule outlined here as well: The dance has fireworks. Klein wants to meet up after but Sobieski is going to Cape Cod. So let me get this straight. The fireworks, which probably start around 9pm, will end and then Sobieski will immediately drive to the Cape from Western Massachusetts …. Yeah that isn’t happening. Lucky for everyone this plan is never mentioned ever again. Regardless, it is assumed by everyone that Leelee is attracted to Hartnett’s superior acting skills because anyone could see that Klein is objectively more attractive.

Klein is upset about this development, but accepts his fate gracefully … Oh wait … nevermind. Instead he gets shitfaced and dances with a bunch of cows. The dance sequence could only be trumped by Sobieski trying to dance, but they wouldn’t let that happen would they? Klein goes to the dance drunk and gets wrecked by Hartnett. Classic. This time the fight is a bit more fair since Klein is absolutely falling-down drunk at this point. Klein instantaneously sobers up and decides to pack it in and leave. He asks Leelee to go with him. She practically burst out laughing, but he saves it by tacking “for the weekend” onto the end. Sobieski is mulling it over when Hartnett shows up. She makes the unfortunate decision to break the news in this fashion “I can’t go … *Hartnett looks happy, 3 more beats* … With you [Hartnett]” Hartnett then bursts into tears. After this particular scene everyone should have stopped filming because Hartnett is too good. He is a legit actor. Leelee and Klein should have felt embarrassed and just called off the rest of the shoot while they recast the leads. Sobieski then hops on the bus and drives off to Boston.

At the Klein Estate Sobieski pokes fun at Klein by asking about the Butler. Klein nonchalantly explains that it is Fourth of July so he’s not here. No joke, just kind of says Jeeves got the night off. Klein wants to see if there is food in the house (there obviously is … you live in a mansion), but Sobieski runs off to embarrass herself by lying in Klein’s mother’s suicide tub. Lucky for the world that action results in this monologue which I call “Mi Mama”. It is a heartfelt display by a very alone and all but abandoned young man. I’m all in now, you’ve hooked me finally. There is only one thing you could do to screw this up, but you wouldn’t do that, right? WRONG. Sobieski dance sequence to bumping 90s tunes. They have a nice fake rain going in the monologue scene. You can always tell a good fake rain, it comes in weird sheets. Must have only had the mansion for the night.

And now for the conclusion, Klein’s absentee father returns and tells him to get his act together before he heads off to Princeton. Princeton alums shake their head in shame. MIT gets Buschemi from Armageddon and Nic Cage from National Treasure, Princeton gets ………. Chris Klein in Here on Earth. Leelee arrives home and they find out she’s been hiding doctor appointments. Leelee meets up with Klein and challenges him to a race. In the real world Klein would defeat her easily, in this movie she takes a substantial lead (there is evidently something magically efficient about swinging her arms wildly from side to side). All of a sudden the movie goes into slo mo and she falls. Klein carries her back and she gets the surprise cancer diagnosis. Klein accuses her of quitting when she can’t get treatment. “You’re just going to die?” Her response of “I’m going to live …. Just not as long as you” doesn’t help.

Hartnett tells Klein to get it together (I agree). We get a sweet montage with Sobieski dying, and Klein looking forlornly at some roses and a picture of Sobieski. We finally conclude at the grand opening of Mable’s Table where Klein shows up, sweeps Sobieski off her feet, and carves their name on the new Lover’s Wall. As Jamie pointed out, it would have been much better if he instead carved in “Fuck Cancer”, but it dawned on me later that I don’t think the movie was intended to be a comedy. Klein gets to give the eulogy. I think he just ended up giving his graduation speech, but it was hard to tell.

Conclusion

What is there left to say. This goes into the pantheon for sure. Chris Klein once again showed himself to be worthy of the Nic Cage Jr. crown. All he needs is an Oscar so that he’ll be able to get jobs for the rest of his life. Sobieski plays a character who is most notable for making poor life choices and getting cancer … they could have given her a bit more to work with in my opinion. Josh Hartnett was amazingly good, didn’t really falter despite having Chris Klein chewing the scenery during every take. There really isn’t anything else to say. Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li, Battlefield Earth, Here on Earth. Those are now my top three of BMT history. ‘Nuff said.