Vampire Academy Recap

Jamie

Rose is the protector of Lissa, a vampire at Vampire Academy. When eerie and troublesome things start occurring on campus they have to figure out who’s behind it. Can they stop this mysterious danger (and maybe get the guy) before it’s too late? Find out in… Vampire Academy.

How?! Rose is a Dhampir, a vampire/human hybrid sworn to protect Moroi, or full vampires. She is attached to her best friend, Lissa, a potential future ruler of the Moroi. There is a whole bunch of fantasy bullshit associated with this garbage but I’m not going to talk about it because it’s lame. They are returned to Vampire Academy after running away to find that everything has changed. Lissa has been ostracized and is relentlessly bullied by the new cool kids in school. Part of this is a series of mysterious threats in the form of dead animals and messages written in blood. In the process of trying to figure out who sent these messages Lissa and Rose discover that Lissa is a rare and powerful vampire able to practice Spirit Magic (cool beans). This allows her to heal animals and people, but leaves her very weak afterwards. In a shocking and wholly unpredictable twist, it turns out that this power is coveted by a powerful friend of Lissa’s family, Victor Dashkov, who is ill and needs Lissa’s healing ability. He kidnaps her, but Rose and a bunch of other vampire fighters go out and totes defeat him cause he’s old and lame. In another shocking twist one of Rose and Lissa’s friends turns evil and attempts to free Victor, but is killed by Rose in a rad final battle. In the end Rose totally makes out with her 40-year-old fighting teacher and we are treated to a sneak peak of a sequel that never happened. THE END.

Why?! Well I think this is all an extended allegory for not having sex before marriage (like many of these types of books are in the end). So I guess the reason anything is happening is because Rose and Lissa made out with people and should feel bad about that (or something). Being serious, the whole story centers around Lissa’s healing ability. She’s more or less a chosen one destined to defeat the bad vampires in the name of the Moroi. Unfortunately some Moroi hope to exploit her talents and risk everything. All conflict is between those two groups.

What?! There actually is very little product placement in the film since the latest technologies are forbidden in Vampire Academy and they drink blood, not delicious Coca-Cola. We do get a little taste of what they were missing out on as the main character laments the loss of her iPhone 5 upon their return to the academy. Pffff, that’s so 2012 and hate.

Who?! Are some of these actors also teen musicians. Statistically speaking, probably. There is also a special thanks given to the husband of one of the producers which seems a bit strange to me. It’s a bit of a mystery as to what he even does on set considering his IMDb page is dominated by credits as “staff”… like he was “staff” on 122 episodes of ER. What does that mean?

Where?! My god! This film is very specifically set in Hamilton, MT. Which is simply amazing. We even see a “Welcome to Montana” sign in the beginning. I’m really, really tempted to give this an A+ for just how weird and specific this is, but it wouldn’t be right. This is obviously a B+ as it plays no role in the film other than being visually noted on screen.

When?! I can’t remember if they ever spell out explicitly when this is set. My presumption was that they ran away in the Fall and then were brought back in the Spring because they are in Montana and it seems someone tolerable weather-wise. That would put the climax, set during the school’s Equinox Dance, on March 20th for the Vernal Equinox. But that is all guess work. D+.

Vampire Academy is laughably bad. You can see that Zoey Deutch has quite a bit of talent as the beautiful and yet snarky girl, so that’s enjoyable. But beyond that it’s a contrived film filled with bad actors. I don’t say this lightly considering what I do for fun but… this was a giant waste of time. As for it’s “friend” Teen Witch, not since The Room have we watched a film that lived up to its hype to a greater degree than Teen Witch. It is crazy and hilarious, both as an anthropologic wonder of 80’s styling and as a timeless pseudo-musical. Gather the whole family around that television set, pop in that worn Teen Witch tape, and you’ll be set for the night of your life. Put that on the poster, babbbyyyyyy. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! I do believe congratulations are in order, I just graduated from Vampire Academy! I’m off to the Vampire Institute of Technology to study the art of vampire dance. It is my passion, what can I say? Let’s get into it! (It being the movie, not my seductive vampiric dances).

The Good – I very much liked Zoey Deutch. She reminds me of Linda Cardellini from Freaks and Geeks. This is also an incredibly faithful adaptation of the book. For those who care about such things it is one of the better adaptations I’ve ever seen in that regard.

Homework Sklog-signment – I’ve replaced the P’s View on the Preview section because reading the book was my preview really. To get this out of the way: literally one of the worst books I’ve ever read just from a writing perspective. Poorly written. Unlike Fifty Shades of Grey (which I read a single page of and then thought “I’m better than this” and stopped) this was blessedly short and lightweight, so I did ultimately get through it. But it isn’t so out of bounds to call this, like Fifty Shades, Twilight fanfiction. It really really isn’t much better than that. The description I kept going back to was: This is like what a 30-year-old thinks a 13-year-old thinks a 17-year-old sounds like … and it wasn’t too far off, the book was written by a 31-year-old who used to teach eighth grade in Seattle. A adaptation, D- book.

The Bad – Uh … this movie makes no sense. There was basically two options considering how much lore is crammed into book one of the series. Either you create a prequel film which covers Rose and Vasilisa’s accident and allows the Moroi and Strigoi lore to be established and the interpersonal relationships of the Academy to develop so that the eventual book one makes sense. Or you make this a crap CW show and give yourself 10 episodes to really explain it all in a reasonable amount of time (and then flow into a movie series maybe). Besides that: the acting is dire and the main relationship appears to be between a 17-year-old girl and a 30-year-old man which really couldn’t be creepier. It is profoundly disturbing.

Get Yo Rant On – Alright, I’ve touched on the 30-year-old man getting into a relationship with a 17-year-old girl. First, sure he’s probably supposed to be 24 in some capacity, but he was actually 29 and honestly looked older to me. Zoey Deutch was actually 20, but her character is explicitly in high school. HIGH SCHOOL. This creepy dude is creeping around like a creepster, and it is totally unnecessary! Dimitri doesn’t even need to be in the movie! He’s just there to teach her stuff and create a love interest. Split him into two characters, one in high school (the love interest) and another teacher character (a wise old man who dies in the end). Oh, but Dimitri’s age and the forbidden love is the point you say. Yeah … that’s my point, it is creepy and doesn’t need to be there. Jeez, with this and Underclassman it feels like I’m taking crazy pills. Was 2014 really that long ago? End rant.

The BMT – This movie flows through me like a wave, cleanses me, leaving nothing of the dirtiness of BMT behind. And in that capacity it will have no impact on BMT. On the other hand it is genuinely one of the bigger recent box office bombs and if I were to compile a list of the top ten weirdest BMT love stories this might just be the creepiest. So it has an outside shot at impacting BMT in the end.

Welcome to Earf – Boom. Zoey Deutch was in this and Dirty Grandpa with Robert De Niro who was in Righteous Kill with Al Pacino who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth! Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – This actually weirdly went under the radar a bit. It gets an Honorable Mention on IndieWire, but nothing else. It is pretty nice to see it get an entire Gizmodo story though. This person is very clearly a huge fan of the books, and not a huge fan of the film. I disagree on a bunch of it, but you can at least see where some cred might come from: fans of YA novels.

Bring a Friend – A little bonus section for the (non-BMT) bonus film Teen Witch! And I have to say: a thoroughly entertaining film. Understandable it is considered a cult favorite among bad movie aficionados. I think my primary complaint here would be it severely loses steam in the back half. The best part of this film is, by far, the first 30 minutes. You can ogle those sweet 80s threads, listen to some jamming 80s beats, and, before they attempt to foist real feelings onto you, appreciate the very weird character choices in the film: the gluttonous brother, the white Beastie Boys knockoff rappers, the devilishly awful History teacher, the very strange witch character, it’s got them all! The “Top That” rap which the movie is famous for also does not disappoint, although you might as well just turn the movie off right after it because it never does … top that! Ayyyyyyyooooooo. As far a friend-movies are concerned though: A I would definitely watch it again, it is basically all we hope for in a friend movie, but I need to leave some room for something like The Room to come along and melt our minds so thoroughly that they end up writing books about it.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

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The Game Plan Recap

Jamie

Joe Kingman is the star QB the Boston Rebels still in search of a championship. He’s selfish and arrogant, two things that don’t go very well with having a kid. Luckily he doesn’t… or so he thinks! That’s right! His daughter shows up and totes turns his life upside down. Can he learn to laugh and love (and maybe get the girl) before it’s too late? Find out in… The Game Plan.

How?! ‘Never Say No’ Joe Kingman is the star QB of the NOT NFL pining for a NOT Super Bowl. Nothing will get in his way because he is selfish and arrogant and that’s a winning combination in his book. His arrogant selfish world is turned upside down, though, when the daughter he didn’t know he had shows up at his doorstep. All of a sudden he can’t have dates with terrible actresses pretending to be Russian, watch the big Celtics games with his bros, or open flashy restaurants with his celeb friends. Instead it is all ballet, dressing his macho dog in a dress, and sleeping on the couch for this dude. Pretty lame, right? Not so fast. Through it all he finds that perhaps the winning ingredient for his life wasn’t arrogance or selfishness, but was in fact… love. Awwww. He learns this valuable lesson and wins his way to the NOT Super Bowl, only to have his daughter taken away due to custody issues. Dismayed he plays like shit in the big game until his daughter shows up and is like “I don’t care if you’re injured. You better win or else I won’t be proud of you.” Or something to this effect. He storms back, wins the big game, wins the hearts of his fans and daughter and also her ballet teacher. Duh. THE END.

Why?! Now Joe Kingman thinks all he want in life is a championship because winning is everything and he’s an arrogant asshole. But he soon finds out that having a family is super important too awwwwww. His daughter just wants the love of a father… oh and also really wants him to win. Stop being such a wimp, Joe, and get back in that game. Your daughter is skeptical about the severity of your shoulder injury.

What?! Nary a product placement to be seen. Psych! This is more or less an extended commercial for ESPN and all of ESPN’s favorite personalities. It was great and terrible at the same time. Throw in some clips from our favorite Disney shows and people smashing Dasani’s left and right and you got a product placement classic.

Who?! God do I have to? There is almost too many cameos to list. Boomer Esiason and Marv Albert announce all the games in the film and Stuart Scott (and other ESPN personalities) are shown in clips throughout. A large number of sports reporters are seen in a press conference scene including John Clayton. Finally, Joe open a restaurant in the middle of the film which features most of the Celtics at the time (including Paul Pierce), the Maloof Brothers (weird), and other athletes like Eddie George. Oh and Joe’s bulldog is played by Tubbs. Awwwww.

Where?! It’s hard to remember a film more set in the Boston than this one. It is Boston 100% all the time. I wouldn’t typically give this an A because technically he could have also been playing for the *gasp* New York Dukes (say it ain’t so, Joe). Not required by the plot that it take place in Boston but… I’m gonna relent. This is a solid A setting.

When?! A little Secret Holiday Alert for this one as we open the film with the Boston Rebels making the playoffs and celebrating with a New Year’s Eve celebration. The rest of the movie takes place during the month of January as Joe pursues a Not Super Bowl. This is despite showing clips from a Celtics-Trailblazers game that took place on November 10th, 2004 (a buzzer beater by Pierce). So I guess in The Game Plan alternate universe this exact same game took place in January of 2007. A.

While this movie is perfectly fine as a bit of light family fun, and I’m sure Patrick will reiterate that point, I do have one major point to make: Is this not the exact same movie as Old Dogs? The very same movie that was one of the most absurd, great, and horrible things we’ve gotten to watch?  It’s pretty crazy how similar the plots are. A professional associated with the business of sports finds out he has a kid that he didn’t know existed and has to take care of her in a bachelor pad while his agent (friend) who thinks of the kid only as a hindrance attempts to help out. There are even specific details that seems crazy similar like how the mother of the kids in Old Dogs is going to jail for a little while protesting as an environmental activist, while the aunt of the kid in The Game Plan is flying off to the Sudan to bring fresh water to villages. They are both in this pickle not because they are bad but are in fact doing something noble? How strange. Is it possible that The Game Plan was some ripoff of a treatment for Old Dogs? I’m not going to speculate, but also that’s my speculation. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! You know what most fish-out-of-water family comedies are missing these days? A sinister underlying social commentary about the link between sub-concussive blows to the head and long-term brain disease … Let’s get into it!

The Good – One of the best kid actors we’ve seen I think. She was preeeeeetty precocious. Dwayne Johnson, excluding the one time he tried to sing, was pretty okay as well. My heart was sufficiently warmed. Honestly, if you ignore all of the football stuff the film was actually not half bad.

Ps View on the Preview – This film is basically Old Dogs … but Old Dogs is crazy. Like super entertainingly bad. Somehow I knew it was impossible this could ever live up to that, but the parallels are ridiculous: A fish-out-of-water father needs to suddenly care for the child(ren) he never knew existed, but his high flying life in the sports entertainment industry just keeps on getting in the way! What a Fish Out of Water!!

The Bad – The football part of this film is at once ridiculous (the best is Dwayne Johnson just wandering onto the field in the middle of play forcing his coach to suddenly take an impromptu timeout in order to avoid a too many men penalty, presumably. Keep your head in the game Joe!) and also ludicrously entertaining. There is zero chance though that they would allow the star QB of the Boston Rebels (currently participating in the NFL playoffs) to just star in a Boston Ballet school performance. Mostly the film just felt pointless, a family comedy that just kind of doesn’t exist anymore.

Get Yo Rant On! – You can basically figure out the entire playoff bracket from this film. The Boston Rebels make the playoffs as a Wild Card in the AFC. They defeat Denver in Denver to start the playoffs. I think the most likely scenario is that the Rebels were the sixth seed because they (1) locked up their playoff spot in week 17 which is very late, and (2) the Steelers had just won as a sixth seed for the first time ever in 2005, so it makes sense that this might reflect on that a bit. This makes Denver the 3 seed having won the West. The Rebels then play the number one seed Indianapolis (who is helmed by Peyton Manning who exists in this universe), and then … and here’s the rant: it is extremely unclear who they play in the AFC Championship game. Online it says Baltimore … which I think makes sense only from a Baltimore-as-the-two-seed-from-the-North makes sense given the bracket, but still. You have to give me more! Who won the East for godsake!! You give me so much, and yet it only leaves me wanting more Game Plan!

The BMT – It could only really have a legacy by standing next to Old Dogs to prove that that films is as absurd as we think it is. The Game Plan is the same story but told in a reasonably coherent way, whereas Old Dogs is pure distilled lunacy. I think that is fun … but unlikely I’ll ever watch this again.

Welcome to Earf! – This is easy. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was in this and Be Cool with John Travolta who was in Old Dogs with Robin Williams who was in Big Wedding with Robert De Niro who was in Righteous Kill with Al Pacino who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski who was in  Here on Earth! Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – Of course this doesn’t have much street cred. I did find a list of The Rock films ranked from worst to best and this was 16th on that list. Interestingly they suggest Dwayne Johnson wore a tutu in the film. He did not, once again proving that most of the bad movie media is a vicious lie. Only trust The Bad Movie Twins for all of your Bad Movie Media needs.

No homework luckily, so I’ll leave it there.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Wild Wild West Recap

Wicky wicky Wild Wild West. Jim West, desperado, rough rider. No do you don’t want nada. That’s because he is on a mission from the President to stop a conspiracy enacted by former Confederate rebels. Paired with annoying inventor Artemus Gordon can they join their brains and brawn to take down the baddies before it’s too late? Find out in… Wild Wild West.

Jamie

How?! I contemplated whether I should just write all the lyrics to the song here and leave it at that, but unfortunately the song has nary a mention of a giant mechanical spider. So Jim West (desperado and alleged rough rider) is hot on the trail of a big time gun runner/former confederate general. When he tracks him to a saloon he busts in only to find that another federal agent (and inventor/master of disguise) Artemus Gordon is there already. As a result everything blows up and the baddies get away. Called to DC, West and Gordon find themselves paired up in the service of President Grant to stop whatever grand conspiracy the criminal enterprise is up to. “Go get on that steampunk train I have for some reason,” Grant huffs and off they go. They make their way to New Orleans for a grand party thrown by a former Confederate inventor who had been presumed dead. They are able to get some information about the plans, escape, and pick up the sexy Rita Escobar who is searching for her captive father. They then chase after the baddies as they head to Utah to disrupt the completion of the transcontinental railroad only to have Rita kidnapped and find themselves playing some dangerous (and ultimately useless) technological games set up by the inventor. They again escape and track down the bad guys, who have kidnapped President Grant and are attempting to use him to sign away large swaths of the United States. Luckily Jim West (desperado) is there to dress up like a Middle Eastern belly dancer (for real, it’s crazy) and distract the bad guys. A big fight on a giant mechanical spider (still real) ensues and eventually our heroes beat the baddies. Hoping for a smooch they find that Rita is actually married and they instead ride off together for their next sequel. THE END.

Why?! Jim West (desperado) actually does have an interesting motivation in this film. A bit surprising given that the good guy usually is motivated just by goodness. Of course he and Gordon want to protect the President and the nation, but it’s also revealed that Jim’s parents were killed in a massacre orchestrated by the evil genius antagonist. So it’s personal. The bad guy on the other hand feels betrayed by both the US and the Confederacy so he is attempting to break up the United States and sell it to the highest bidders. He also don’t want nada of any desperados or rough riders that may be about.

What?! I would have done a complete 180 on this film if Will Smith pumped up some Reeboks before jumping onto the giant mechanical spider. But alas, it didn’t happen so there is nothing to talk about for this section. I guess I’ll just reiterate that there was a part of this film where our main bad guy is giving a large presentation about his intricate plot to take down the US only to be distracted by Will Smith dressed as a Middle Eastern belly dancer… it’s INSANE. It’s also the most racist portrayal of Middle Eastern culture we’ve seen since *checks notes* last week.

Who?! Will Smith is one of the ultimate musicians-turned-actors, but I have to give a big shout out to Kevin Kline who played both Artemus Gordon and President Ulysses S. Grant. At one time we had contemplated creating a Hall of Presidents where each time a US President (real or fake) appeared in a BMT film that would serve as his “election” and start his term in office. Thus this would begin the term of Ulysses S. Grant as President of the Sklognited States of America. This would of course be his second term in office having been previously elected for his portrayal in Jonah Hex. Huzzah! Long live President Grant!

Where?! Almost a Road Trip Alert with a plethora of specific locations. Starts in West Virginia, moves to Washington DC, heads next to New Orleans, and finishes in Promontory Summit, Utah for a very special climax set at the laying of the Golden Spike to finish the Transcontinental Railroad. Gotta give that a B+.

When?! Did I mention that the climax was set during the laying of the Golden Spike? That gives us an exact date of May 10th, 1869. That is simply magnifique. Giving that an A- for effort, although not exactly necessary to the action at hand.

Oh boy. I mean, this is right up there with Batman & Robin as one of the most misguided films ever to be created. It is straight up terrible and almost impossible to understand how it went as far down the path of terribleness without being stopped. For some reason they cast Will Smith as Jim West riding a steampunk train and fighting a mechanical spider and then felt the need to inject realism about the social climate at the time. Every character has to express surprise at his appearance and thus Will Smith finds himself making joke after joke after joke about the rampant racism that he would have had to deal with. This includes an entire scene where he attempts to evade a lynching by convincing the crowd that he was just evoking his African heritage in touching a woman’s bosom and that slavery wasn’t that big of a deal in his opinion… it is insane. Add on top of that the sublime overacting performance of Kenneth Branagh and the general nonsense and unfunny jokes that populate the script and we have a true BMT gem. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! You’ll have to forgive me, I’m actually recovering from a sickness. I developed a terrible fever and hallucinated that Will Smith was in a sci-fi western with a flying bicycle and a mechanical spider. I saw death at my door … up until I realized I wasn’t sick. I was just watching Wild Wild West (slammed), let’s get into it!

The Good – I very much enjoyed the set pieces. You could tell they had the ability and leeway to put together some really special moments. The brothel in particular was incredible, the multi-tiered almost comic-like take on the classic setting, brightly-lit and colorful in opposition to typical westerns. I also very much enjoyed the assassins hidden in paintings, very well put together. Salma Hayek was fun, Kline was fun, Will Smith did his best I think. People were game is what I’m saying.

P’s View on the Preview – We had seen the film before so there wasn’t much to surprising in the preview. I guess I was most fascinated by how the Wicky Wicky Wild Wild West theme song would be incorporated (it wasn’t), and a bit about Kenneth Branagh who I’ve since seen in The Winter’s Tale on stage in London (with Dame Judi Dench … it was fantastic, and yeah, I’m bragging … it was awesome).

The Bad – I mean … mostly everything? Will Smith might be game, but he’s out of place in this film, he feels like a modern action hero instead of a US Marshal in the Wicky Wicky Wild Wild West. I love Branagh, but he character is very weird and, again, feels out of place (this time by being a little too gross and dark for the comic tone). The last third of the film is just catastrophic from a storytelling perspective, even Will Smith just pops out of nowhere in disguise at one point. The gang of attractive women Dr. Loveless drags around … gives off a problematic impression (so problematic they apparently rewrote the final fight because it was just Will Smith wailing on three women, wowza!). This film is stunning. Like Batman & Robin except dressed up as a cautionary tale about steampunk westerns.

Get Yo Rant On – The writers of this film did Will Smith a huge disservice. I hope I’m not speaking out of turn: but they put him in a position where he’s faux-lynched and is avenging the death of his freed-slave parents … and to serve what? Some strange question as to why a black US Marshal might be out of place for the time? It sure seemed like it. Ignore it! I mean … Kevin Klein’s character invents a genuine self-propelled airplane in 1869, so why is it impossible to believe this weirdly advanced society is colorblind? The film is bad enough as is without making the bad guy an ultra-racist confederate (Dr. Loveless isn’t even a Confederate in the original show, he’s just a (short) man out for revenge!) and explicitly pitting him against Will Smith. Woof. Just very strange to watch twenty years later. End rant.

The BMT – It’s a classic right? I would watch this movie again. I would watch it a bunch of times. As I said, the brothel set piece is actually quite nice looking in the beginning, the painting assassination scene is also pretty fun (middle) and I can laugh all day at the belly dancing scene (end). It really doesn’t quit. Probably the best argument so far for watching some of these films we’ve seen before, I couldn’t have even imagined how crazy this film was without watching it again.

Welcome to Earf – So, Salma Hayek was in Wicky Wicky Wild Wild West and Grown Ups with Adam Sandler, who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino, who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski, who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – This has got credit up to wazoo. It is third for the worst film of 1999 in Rolling Stone, and although the formatting is a bit messed up it was mentioned near the end in this New York Post article. It basically swept the Razzies, and you can find a litany of quotes from everyone involved about how terrible the film is.

So in theory there was a ton of Homework Sklog-signment, because the movie is based on a television program. I did end up watching an episode (season 1 episode 20, the Night of the Whirring Death). Two things: first, luckily I found an episode streaming with Dr. Loveless, who is played by a little person in the television show (Michael Dunn, who I recognize from an episode of the original Star Trek); second, the show is far more serious than the movie they decided to make. It is like Star Trek, quippy or tongue in cheek at times, but also very serious. Old-fashioned. That is what I would have preferred for the film and I’m glad I wasn’t incorrect in my thinking. Welp, better for the eventual Wild Wild West Cinematic Universe (WWWCU) to reboot it anyways.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Cannonball Run II Recap

Jamie

Remember those bozos from the last movie? Well they’re back, Jack! And ready to ride their way to victory in a cross country road race. When the Sheik is kidnapped by some mobsters the cannonballers gotta pull out all the stops to help him. Will they free the racist caricature (and perhaps win the big race) before it’s too late? Find out in… Cannonball Run II.

How?! The Sheik is pretty embarrassed about losing the last race due to an unforeseen plot hole so he sets up a second one to prove his worth. While everyone is gathering, however, it is revealed that the goofball son of the Mafia don has gotten in deep with a rival mob. He comes to collect from Jamie and Morris (the priests from first film) and they point to the Sheik as a way to get the cash. A plan is in motion to kidnap the Sheik and ransom him for the large sum that the rival mob is asking for. If this sounds terrible and in no way related to a film about car racing you are correct. Anyway they all get new gimmicks. J.J. and Victor are now impersonating Army generals, Jackie Chan is back with a new robot car, the drunk priests are now impersonating cops, the hot ladies are still just hot ladies, and the good ol’ boys are back except now one of them is Tony Danza and they have a car driven by a orangutan… yeeeeessh. Basically nothing happens for a while except J.J. and Victor pick up a couple of actresses dressed as nuns and Jackie Chan’s car goes into a lake and turns into a submarine (best scene of the film). Eventually the Sheik is kidnapped and our heroes hatch a plan with Frank Sinatra to infiltrate the Mafia’s hideout and get him back. This culminates in a big fight which they win. They then finish the race off screen and we are treated to seeing the orangutan declared the winner. THE END.

Why?! More like Whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy??!!! Amirite? The motivations are the same. J.J. and Victor want glory and fame, the priests/cops are in it to clear their gambling debts, the hot ladies just want to go fast, Jackie Chan is back to prove the superiority of Japanese racing technology and talent, and the good ol’ boys just want to have a good time (but the orangutan sure is making it tough)… god, writing about this is making me sad.

What?! Someone switched sponsors! Last film everyone was crushing Budweiser. This film? Miller High Life (the champagne of beers) is in everyone’s hands. Also want to note that back in 2011 there was a lot of buzz for a remake of The Cannonball Run series starring Brad Pitt which was supposed to birth a new generation of product placement as it was funded by GM. It never came to fruition and now the remake seems to be in the works sans Pitt and GM.

Who?! Victor played by Dom DeLuise is probably the best example of a Planchet we’ve seen in quite some time. The man is generally a good guy, a great friend, and a bumbling chubby idiot at the same time. So of course J.J. treats him like shit. He is always hitting him and calling him names. Congrats Victor, you are a very good BMT thing coming out of a truly terrible film. Frank Sinatra makes one of his final screen appearances in a bizarre set of scenes where it’s obvious that he was never in the room with any of the other actors. On top of that they all more or less grovel at the feet of Blue Eyes. Joe Theismann followed in Bradshaw’s shoes and appeared in this film. Finally I have to give a big shoutout to Don Knotts who made a cameo appearance here as a highway patrolman who gets attacked by an orangutan (this is real).

Where?! Road Trip Alert! Still a roadtrip movie, but no nearly as good as the last film. It starts in Redondo Beach, California, but then almost immediately spends most of its time hanging around Las Vegas. It finally jumps to CT at the end. So not a great road trip but better focus on a single place. B-.

When?! Better chance this time to see an actual date as there were fliers for the race, but I couldn’t make out the date on any of them. Maybe if I had an original print of the film or happened upon a large cache of props. Until then… F.

This movie is terrible, terrible, terrible. It is just a knock-off of the first one with a lot of the good stuff removed. It’s barely even a racing movie anymore as they mire themselves in a Las Vegas mobster plot that is real tedious to get through. It’s amazing that both the first one and the second one were so bad considering their success, but this one makes the first one look like a masterpiece. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Oh snap, you remember that crappy movie you made a few years ago on a shoestring budget? It made boatloads. A sequel is going to be easy. I mean … the jokes write themselves! Well, actually, if we do it right the jokes are literally already written … Let’s get into it!

The Good – Oof. Uh … Jackie Chan’s story is a bit better this time around. I was mentally prepared for watching this trash because I had seen the first one. That’s it.

P’s View on the Preview – Now having watched the original I knew what I was getting into. The first was garbage. The second is considered worse so … double garbage, all the way, oh my gosh. Otherwise I guess I was most interested in seeing Frank Sinatra play himself a bit? I wasn’t looking forward to watching this to say the least.

The Bad – This film is totally and utterly unnecessary. They don’t even do a cross country race. They go from Los Angeles to Las Vegas (an afternoon jaunt) and then animate the entire thing at the end! It is crazy. Burt Reynolds and DeLuise are particularly bad in this one, I’m skeptical they even had a script. If they did it said “Burt and Dom improv for 15 minutes, end scene” at times, I guarantee it.

Get Yo Rant On – In the previous recap I talked about Burt Reynolds and Dom Deluise’s comic stylings. This time let’s get a little shout out for everyone else involved. Jamie Farr plays a truly racist caricature (and not in a “the times they are a-changin” kind of way, he’s in blackface in 1984). In back-to-back films they inexplicably cast Terry Bradshaw and Joe Theismann. The main pair of ladies basically just show their breasts the entire time. Sammy Davis Jr and Dean Martin … the less said the better. And … who knows I can’t remember anyone else. Like an orangutan. These characters are neither interesting or funny and on most occasions offensive. So congrats Cannonball Run II, you managed to make a not-funny film even less funny and more offensive.

The BMT – Now this! This is a real Razzies-Calendar-Smellements film, it ticks the games off like crazy. It is one of those classic bad movies we just had to watch. Would I want to watch it again? Never. But maybe just show the opening scene and turn to whomever you are talking with and say “You see? You see this garbage? Do you want more of this? Didn’t think so” and shut it off.

Welcome to Earf – Not surprisingly The Cannonball Run and its sequel have the same chain: Burt Reynolds was in Cannonball Run II and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – At one point in time Gene Siskel suggested this film was the worst film ever made. There aren’t many lists from the time, but do yourself a favor and watch the Siskel and Ebert review:

They absolutely destroy Burt Reynolds, that man had a family! Presumably, I don’t know. I think it would be a few years before he got married and adopted his son.

Besides the BONUS of The Cannonball Run there was no homework. Turns out that despite Speed Zone being referred to as Cannonball Run III in the literature, it is not in fact a sequel. Good for me since I’m not sure I could have watched a third version of this trash.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

The Cannonball Run Recap

Jamie

A bunch of bozos get together for the annual (?) Cannonball Run, a cross country road race where rules are not coolz. They all have their gimmicks and celebs galore as they race for the coveted cup. Can [insert favorite character] win the race before it’s too late? Find out in… The Cannonball Run.

How?! In the flimsiest of plots our heroes, J.J. and Victor, enter The Cannonball Run disguised as ambulance drivers in an attempt to evade police suspicion. Added to the mix are: some hot women, a gambler and a washed up race car driver turned drunk disguised as priests, Jackie Chan in a Japanese robot car, good ol’ boy Terry Bradshaw, a Roger Moore lookalike played by Roger Moore, and a very racist depiction of a Middle Eastern Sheik. There are others but those are the major players. Anyway, J.J. and Victor kidnap a photographer lady and have a rivalry with the priests, but otherwise it’s just zany antic after zany antic for our heroes. The whole time there is an attempt by a politician to shut down the race, but that comes to nothing except sadness for the politician. The film culminates with a fight at a gas station where all the cars end up stuck waiting for construction to clear. We get some Jackie Chan moves and Victor becomes a weird superhero or whatever and it’s obviously hilarious. They then all sprint for the finish line (even though it was a staggered start) ending with the hot ladies winning the prize. THE END.

Why?! It is interesting to think about the motivations for the characters. J.J. and Victor want money and fame, the priests placed a large wager on themselves, the ladies seem to just want to go fast, Roger Moore is for the thrill of it, Terry Bradshaw wants to whoop it up and have fun, Jackie Chan wants to show the superiority of Japanese technology, and the Sheik doesn’t want to bring shame to his family’s name. I think that’s pretty accurate.

What?! There are certainly product placements to note (like Terry Bradshaw crushing Budweisers left and right), but I’m gonna take the rare opportunity to note a rare plot hole in this film. Plot holes are hard to spot, but in this case it’s pretty clear that the creators of this film just didn’t care. It’s explained that the race is run using time cards. Each team punches their card in a staggered start and then whoever has their timecard show the lowest elapsed time is the winner of the race… and yet the film finishes with all the major teams in the film running to the finish line to try to cross first. The time card is never mentioned, nor is it noted that the declared winners (the hot ladies) started earlier than several of the teams shown and should have lost to them. Congrats. That is truly terrible writing.

Who?! There is a classic Planchet in this film, but I’ll use the recap of the second film to discuss that. Sammy Davis, Jr. and Dean Martin are in both films and both had major singing careers. Peter Fonda has a cameo as the head of a biker gang in a nod to Easy Rider. Football player Terry Bradshaw is a character in the film. Finally, Jamie Farr plays the Sheik in arab-face which is problematic to say the least. It’s pretty offensive in a very they-made-this-in-the-80s kind of way.

Where?! We get another Road Trip Alert! The Cannonball Run starts in Darien, CT (confirmed by several signs). We get scenes in New Jersey, Ohio, and Missouri in the very least (probably more could be definitively determined). It ends in Redondo Beach, California. Not as good as Crossroads, but solid. B.

When?! My guess would be that the film takes place in the Spring, but it’s not something that I could figure out for sure. Maybe it’s noted somewhere in the film but I sure in hell ain’t going back and watching it again to find out. F.

This movie is surprisingly terrible and useless for being one of the biggest hits of 1981. Let me count the ways. The production is ramshackle, exemplified by the plane stunt where cameras and police barricades are clearly visible. The Middle Eastern character is one of the most racist depictions I’ve seen in a BMT film… his name is Sheik Abdul ben Falafel! Even though I can to appreciate the charm of Dom DeLuise, the film is just not funny. Finally, it has one of the most glaring plot holes I’ve ever witnessed on film. It is just not a good film… and yet America seemed to not be able to get enough. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Time to pack up your ambulance, grab a disgusting doctor character, and unleash your inner Captain Chaos, because The Cannonball Run is starting. Mad antics like this just haaaave to be funny, right? … Right? Let’s get into it!

The Good – If you like cars, Burt Reynolds, or both this film might just be for you. Farrah Fawcett is like … super attractive. The fact that this is as true to the original race as you’ll see is pretty fun. Some of the others are funny in their own way, Jackie Chan and Roger Moore in particular are fine.

P’s View on the Preview – I told Jamie that I wondered if this would be like Anaconda. If this is one of those films which have bad reviews now, but didn’t really back then (at least not as bad) and that once I watched it I would think it wasn’t nearly as bad as the rating suggests. He told me to watch the movie. But you can kind of see my mindset going into the film. I expected it to be a cult-classic (which was always my perception of it). Boy howdy was I wrong.

The Bad – This movie isn’t funny. Seeing Sammy Davis Jr and Dean Martin doing … this, just isn’t a good look. The movie is just not funny, not a single moment of it. It is a totally mess from a storytelling perspective, less of a three act structure and more of the loosey goosey meandering scripts from the decades before. There is some complicated sexual assault / drugging / disgusting garbage behavior played for laughs which you just couldn’t get away with now. The movie just isn’t funny, it is boring.

Get Yo Rant On – For the first film’s rant I choose to highlight the interactions between Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise in particular. Specifically the way they fake laugh with each other and Burt’s kind of … odd improvisational stylings. Perhaps it is my pre-1980 bias showing, but was this normal? Or was it a product of a very quick and very tight shooting schedule. Did Hal Needham just trust Reynolds to get the comic timing correct, or is this a fundamental disaster. I will say: Burt Reynolds doesn’t really come across as funny in the film. He comes across as a very smooth ladies man and straight man playing off of DeLuise’s comedy … but DeLuise isn’t funny either. No one is funny in this film … I don’t get it, am I taking crazy pills? Rant over.

The BMT – Weirdly … I do think this has legs. Cannonball Run films are a very strange as specific sub-genre. Almost exclusively comedies (interestingly enough). I wonder if there is an example of a serious version of Cannonball Run? And if not, why not? I guess it was all played for jokes at the time, but someone who really needs the money or someone who needs to stop another person from getting the money seems like a decent action premise. My point is, completing the Cannonball Run genre will be a thing and this will be part of it. I will never watch this film again if I can help it though.

Welcome to Earf – Shockingly easy in light on last week’s run. Burt Reynolds was in The Cannonball Run and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – This one doesn’t have much beyond most respectable critics at the time ragging on it. In particular Siskel and Ebert seemed to think this was a particularly egregious example of lazy filmmaking. Maybe Lennon and Garant can fix it the next time around …

Phew, one Cannonball Run down, one to go. The second couldn’t possibly be as bad as this right? … Right?

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Crossroads Recap

Jamie

It’s Britney, bitch. A bunch of estranged BFFs embark on a cross-country road trip when they each find that they are unsatisfied with their life in a different way. Can they see all of their dreams regarding their mother/fiance/singing career go up in smoke and still find that friendship is forever (and maybe also get the guy)? Find out in… Crossroads.

How?! Britney Spears is a high school senior that has drifted away from her childhood friends. When she and those friends realize how far they have strayed from their childhood dreams they set out on a road trip in hopes of finding what each covet. Girl genius Britney Spears wants to meet her mom before heading to college, stuck-up Kit wants to see her fiance at UCLA, and pregnant Mimi wants to see the world and try her hand at getting a record deal before having her baby. As they journey across the country they find that they’ve been missing their friendship the whole time (aww). They also find that Britney Spears got some serious pipes and stage presence when she wins them a boatload of cash in a big New Orleans karaoke competition. When Britney Spears finally gets to her mom’s house she learns that her mom doesn’t want to see her and considers her a mistake. Finding solace in the company of her friends they continue on to LA where Kit figures out that her fiance is actually the father of Mimi’s child from when he raped her (woah!). Mimi then runs away only to fall down the stairs resulting in a miscarriage (holy shit! I thought this was a lighthearted tale of friendship and discovery!). Despite all this they decide they have to give that singing competition one shot and of course Britney Spears blows away the competition and wins the hearts and minds of America. THE END.

Why?! At the beginning for the film Britney Spears, Kit, and Mimi all find themselves at a spot in their lives where they need something. While Mimi obviously feels like she needs to see the world before having a baby, Britney Spears and Kit just feel like something is missing even when from the outside it would seem that their lives are great. The roadtrip is meant to work out those feeling… which is actually quite successful seeing as Kit was engaged a rapist before the roadtrip and is not engaged a rapist after the roadtrip. Mission accomplished.

What?! In some ways this whole movie is an advertisement for delicious Pepsi products which clearly give Britney her song powers. There is also the mysterious “blue beer bottle” that is the crux of the dramatic conclusion to the film, but it’s obviously fictional. It would have been great if it was a real beer where they were like, “so what’s our spot in the film going to be?” “Oh, uh… the rapist enjoys drinking your beer and the fact that he’s drinking it is how he is ultimately discovered and leads to the miscarriage of a baby.” “… we’re not paying for that.”

Who?! Not sure this had anyone of significance… other than the biggest superstar of our generation, duh. It’s Britney, bitch! Classic musician-turned-actress. She’s joined by her younger sister Jamie Lynn Spears who portrays a younger version of Britney. Throw in the band Bowling for Soup that makes a cameo playing at the postgraduation party and we got a veritable murderer’s row of musical talent sprinkled into this masterpiece.

Where?! Road Trip alert! This could almost be its own little challenge as we map out BMT road trip movies by the locations that they explicitly hit. This was pretty clear as they start in Georgia, head into Alabama, skip MS because fuck ‘em, spend a long time in New Orleans where they become karaoke superstars (welcome to the club), head into Texas, stop in Arizona, before finishing in sunny Los Angeles. I give it a B+ as it’s as good as you can get without putting down stakes in a single location.

When?! Finally an exact date. We get a brief glimpse of the flier for the singing competition Britney and her friends participate in. While I was not enjoying Crossroads in 4K UltraHD (I wish), I still am pretty sure it said that the competition was taking place on June 16th, which makes sense with the film opening on their high school graduation.

This movie is like a rollercoaster ride (if rollercoasters mostly headed downwards). When it started I was like “Yo, Britney Spears can act, bro… She’s Britney, bitch.” She has a scene at the beginning of the film where she is supposed to be upset because she’s had her whole life pass her by in pursuit of a dream she realizes she never wanted in the first place. That’s pretty emotionally complex. It’s not like “Imagine your dog died” crying. This is like “you’re crying but you’re also confused and you don’t want to upset your dad.” And, spoiler alert, she pulled it off! Add on top of that a scene with Justin Long that is the only funny part in the entire film and I was thinking I might actually somehow be digging Crossroads starring Britney, bitch. Then it started a slow and steady descent downwards until it hit an ending that is so ludicrous and bad that I remembered that Crossroads was a really bad movie. Also Britney Spears can’t sing, which is a tough look. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Not a sklooooooooooog, not yet an … older skloooooooooog. Britney’s back jack, with a whole gang of ladies ready to sing and dance and travel across the country. What could go wrong? Let’s get into it!

The Good – Actually a pretty good road trip film. Got friends learning to love again, and you visit like … four goddamn states. Britney and Zoe Saldana are decent actors. They don’t pull any punches with the drama concerning the mother’s storyline. All in all, kind of surprising. Not a good film, but it has a lot more good elements than you would expect.

P’s View on the Preview – The most interesting thing in this preview was, oddly, that all of a sudden the bottom IMDb list looks … normal. So, here it is two years ago. The bottom film on that page has a rating of 2.8, which is … quite low. Here it is now. What the F-ing F?!?! NOTE! Nothing on that page has changed, not even the purported threshold of 1500 votes. That bottom title is even lower and has over 1500 votes. Suspicious, but also I think ultimately a good thing. For the record it changed at some point between July 8th and July 14th according to the Internet Archive, so good on me to noticing it I suppose. I do not think the method to the madness will be able to be discerned unfortunately.

The Bad – Most of the acting is terrible. The singing is universally terrible. The film feels … exploitative (see my rant). It possibly has the worst twist in cinematic history. Seriously, I don’t even want to say what it is … except Jamie already did, but Kit’s fiance raped her friend and they solve the mystery based on the beer he is drinking?! Get the F outta here! The most ridiculous thing is that it is pretty clear Anson Mount is supposed to be in his 20s and macking on just-18 Britney Spears … its gross. Give me Monte Carlo any day … even though I kind of love this film.

Get Yo Rant On – The film opens with Britney Spears (a 20 year old Britney Spears) dancing in her underwear. We soon see her, again, in her underwear with Justin Long. Later she does a sexy dance karaoke scene to get money. It feel exploitative. It feels like people trying to capitalize on Britney Spears in a kind of gross way. I don’t really need to say more, it isn’t really my place to be outraged by this, but it still felt gross in a way only having watched this when I was like … 17 and then again at 30 managed to do. I didn’t like it. End rant.

The BMT – Unlike a few of the previous films (Anaconda in particular) I think having watched this before helped immensely on the rewatch. I would gladly watch this film with other people to make fun of the terrible twist and terrible singing. And I think it can stand proudly with the disturbing number of films we’ve seen starring pop icons.

Welcome to Earf – Let’s see. Dan Aykroyd is in Crossroads and Nothing But Trouble with Demi Moore who is in Striptease with Burt Reynolds who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!

StreetCreditReport.com – Mentioned in passing in this Rolling Stones article. A lot of small blogs mention it with the same tired joke (“Not a singer, not yet an actress” is the gist of it). It has the cred, I know it because of the IMDb bottom 100, it just barely seems to predate popular bad movie lists coming out online.

No homework (unless you count the number of times I saw this film as a child), so I’ll just leave it there.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid Recap

Jamie

When a company discovers that a rare flower is the key to eternal life they send a group of scientists to find it. They hire a boat to go into a remote region of Papua New Guinea but soon find themselves trying to escape a large number of giant anacondas. Will they get out before it’s too late? Find out in… Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid.

How?! A bunch of scientists are totes excited about a chemical they’ve discovered in a flower called the blood orchid that will greatly extend life. Unfortunately this flower only blooms once every seven years or some shit and only in a remote area in Borneo. They head on out there, hire a boat, and then wonder whether they’ve heard this story before because it sure is ringing some bells. Anyway, they are sailing smoothly along until flooding looks like it is too bad to continue. “No way!” says a definitely-not-evil scientist and offers the captain some more money to continue on. This is a mistake as they immediately go over a waterfall. With their boat trashed they have only one option: trek through the jungle to try to find help. This is also a mistake as they begin to be eaten by giant anacondas… which makes no sense but whatever. Eventually they find their way to a village that has been ravaged by anacondas and they use the remnants of the huts to build a raft. However, the evvvviiiilll scientist is like “No way!” and kills one of the crew and steals the raft. Once again the only recourse is to trek through the jungle to steal the raft back and once again this is a mistake as several more people are eaten by anacondas. Finally they corner the evvviiiillll scientist in the blood orchid garden who falls like a dumbo into a writhing mating ball of anacondas (their words, not mine). They then blow up all those snakes and jet away on their raft. THE END.

Why? MacGuffin. baby! They just want that sweet, sweet blood orchid to make bank on a drug that extends life. Interestingly, unlike the first anaconda film they also provide a reason that the snakes are so huge. Since the blood orchid extends life and anacondas continue to grow bigger over time they are huge because they feed on the orchid. Unfortunately they never explain how anacondas are in Indonesia. It really seems like they wrote a random python movie and then were like “yo, wait. You remember that smash hit that came out seven years ago? What if…”

What?! A+ MacGuffin here as it even appears in the title of the film! The Blood Orchid is so classic that you could use it as a joke to exemplify a terrible and hilarious title to a film. Like Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Or actually the recent Speed 2: Cruise Control. We are kind of on a subtitle roll at the moment.

Who?! Despite a rather large animal part in this film for a monkey named Kong, we unfortunately didn’t get a credit for Kong himself. We did get a credit for a monkey trainer named Tim Williams. He trained animals on the BMT films Cradle 2 the Grave, Failure to Launch, Transformers, and Zookeeper (an underrated classic). Training that gorilla to sing Apple Bottom Jeans must have been really hard.

Where?! It is very clearly set in Borneo… they say it a whole bunch. We also get a map that places it clearly in the Indonesian area of the island. Just a great great great mapl.de.map location. Although it makes no sense as anacondas are not indigenous to Indonesia. Or even anywhere outside of the Americas. Really this should have been giant reticulated pythons (already the largest snakes in the world). B+.

When?! There is nothing more I could have wished for than for this to be a secret holiday film. Like they’re floating up the river and one of the doctors remarks that he can’t believe he’s spending Christmas in Borneo. As it is, the best we get is one of the technologists saying that he’s missing a Knicks game so October to April (I’m not including playoffs since it’s the Knicks. BOOOOOOM!). F.

This fits nicely into a certain type of BMT film we stumble upon rather frequently (most recently Righteous Kill). It’s a film that by all accounts should have been a direct-to-video release, but somehow made it onto the release schedule. In this case it was probably just an opening in the schedule and they thought “what the hell, the first one did really well.” All things considered this should have just ended up on video and we shouldn’t have ever seen it. But we did… and it’s kind of boring. I will say that there is a level of insanity (especially at the end) that could be entertaining at times. The production quality just wasn’t there. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Remember that film you made like … 5 years ago? No, you remember it, is had Ice Cube and a big snake or something. Wasn’t it popular? Screw it, let’s make a sequel. Let’s get into it.

The Good – I learned why you don’t watch borderline-straight-to-video sequels to films made in the mid-2000s. There is an adorable monkey in the film. They really flesh out the Anaconda mythos (joking, read the rant).

P’s View of the Preview – Generating the preview the thing that really struck me was how everyone in the film was television actors. So watching what one could put together with a television budget, cast, and (honestly) plot was going to be interesting. Oh, and of course just how Borneo the film is is always a fun settings time. This is one of those films I just never really imagined I would watch … it was shocking to realize it is nominated for a Razzie and thus an inevitable addition to BMT.

The Bad – Where to even start with this pile of garbage. The story involving magic flower anti-aging medicine is dumb. The CGI is awful. The obvious evil scientist twist is obvious. They say mating ball multiple times. They far too quickly dispatch the best character in the film, the boat named Bloody Mary … it is a surreal experience watching such a pointless film. It is hard to even put into words how very strange I found this film. How was this released to theaters and not just directly to the SyFy channel?

Get Yo Rant On – This is like the Halloween franchise problem all over again. There is no need to explain why Anacondas are big. They are big snakes. Reports (probably apocryphal) of enormous Anacondas have been reported throughout history. So why invent some magic flower as a MacGuffin which doubles as a bizarre explanation for why there are big snakes? No one cares. Why can’t Michael Myers just want to kill Laurie Strode … wait, wrong movie, one second … Why can’t I just have a big snake that likes to kill humans for sport without getting into why this snake is big? End Rant.

The BMT – This could end up being the most pointless sequel I’ve ever seen … is that a reason for being though? I guess. I can’t imagine ever recommending this film for anything. It just isn’t very fun … besides them saying “mating ball” like sixteen times … which is pretty awesome I have to admit. But no, terrible BMT film in my opinion.

Welcome to Earf – I need a little help to get started. So main badass Johnny Messner it turns out  is in The Whole Ten Yards with Natasha Henstridge who was in Ghosts of Mars with Ice Cube who was in Anaconda which we know we can get back to Here on Earth with … but for posterity, Anaconda has Owen Wilson who was in I Spy with Eddie Murphy who was in Norbit with Terry Crews who was in Blended with Adam Sandler who was in Jack and Jill with Al Pacino who was in 88 Minutes with Leelee Sobieski who was in Here on Earth. Welcome to Earf!!

StreetCreditReport.com – Nothing! Not that surprising. Who cares about the second Anaconda film? It kind of barely exists. I would have hoped it could make some worst sequel list, but not really. No hope with creature feature lists since there are a million terrible SyFy films available. How did this thing get nominated for a Razzie?

We did indeed watch both films for this installment, so the only other real homework I could have done would be the two straight-to-video sequels they made … thanks but no thanks.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs