Tag: based on a comic

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Preview

Jamie sighs as they turn another corner in the catacombs. “Time works differently…” Michael begins before Jamie tunes him out. If they had known that the only other member of the Ultra-Hard Party was Michael he probably would have passed on the task, Gutes or no Gutes. Particularly if he knew the first stop was the catacombs. But when he turns to mention how lame the catacombs are to Patrick he is surprised to see a slight smirk on his face. Is he enjoying himself? “Are you enjoying yourself?” Jamie asks incredulously. Patrick smirks even deeper. Jamie stops and shoves him “Yo, look at Circus Smirkus over here. You smirking up a storm while we wander the catacombs like a couple of dopes? Don’t you see,” he says, eyes wild, tapping his temple furiously, “this is all a ruse. A way to get us down here while they draft up Steve Guttenberg’s expulsion papers.” If you could see Patrick’s face you would have said it was impossible he could smirk any deeper. He was, in that moment, the Michael Jordan of smirking. But just then… if you can believe it… he smirked ever so slightly more. “Gahhhhhh,” Jamie yells, the noise careening off the walls of the super lame catacombs. “That’s it!” Jamie says finger dangerously close to Patrick’s smirk, “You don’t smirk at me like that unless we’re both smirking. Both smirking about something clever we did. But does it look like I’m smirking? Well, does it punk?” Michael is bewildered and scared. “Boys, boys, please, we’re almost there, I assure you.” But Jamie is too far gone. “Oh we’re not going any further with you, Michael, we’re heading up to save Gutes. But first let me wipe that smirk off Sir Smirks-a-lot’s face over there. Rock and roll.” That’s right! We are taking on The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (the rock and roll detective) in the first entry of Brary Bros. Just a couple guys talking the ‘brary (the library that is) and enjoying the fruits of a functioning society that allows for the communal sharing of knowledge. Oh we don’t have The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in our library network? No prob, cause it was available in our extensive network of Brary Bros. The world is our oyster. Library! Let’s go!

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990) – BMeTric: 18.1; Notability: 61

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 18.8%; Notability: top 2.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 12.3%; Higher BMeT: Captain America, Look Who’s Talking Too, Rocky V, The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter, Ghost Dad, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Graveyard Shift, Soultaker, Problem Child, Fire Birds, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Navy Seals, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Loose Cannons, RoboCop 2, Ernest Goes to Jail, Death Warrant, Desperate Hours, Hard to Kill, Air America, and 27 more; Higher Notability: RoboCop 2, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Predator 2, Days of Thunder, Jetsons: The Movie; Lower RT: Problem Child, Graveyard Shift, Death Warrant, Madhouse, Loose Cannons, Funny About Love, Soultaker, Ghost Dad, Spaced Invaders, Fire Birds, Meet the Applegates, Where the Heart Is, Heart Condition, Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection, Ernest Goes to Jail, Opportunity Knocks, Captain America, Air America, Look Who’s Talking Too, Everybody Wins, and 9 more; Notes: Wait wait wait wait … this film has a 50+ Notability? How? This creates so many more questions than I had prior to generating this email.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane” is a movie about a hero I didn’t like, chasing villains I didn’t hate, in a plot I didn’t understand. It is also loud, ugly and mean-spirited. That makes it the ideal vehicle for Andrew Dice Clay, a comedian whose humor is based upon hating those not in the room for the entertainment of those present. … If he wants a future in the movies, Andrew Dice Clay is going to have to play somebody other than himself.

(This sounds just about right. He was a comedian with a schtick, and they made a movie about his schtick, and it didn’t work as a movie or a comedy or anything.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1s3pfSsjWw/

(Seems really annoying and unfunny. Which makes sense. I’ve always heard his comedy is really annoying and unfunny.)

Directors – Renny Harlin – ( Known For: Deep Blue Sea; The Long Kiss Goodnight; Cliffhanger; Die Hard 2; The Misfits; A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master; Devil’s Pass; Skiptrace; Cleaner; Prison; 5 Days of War; Born American; Legend of the Ancient Sword; Class Reunion 3; Bodies at Rest; Future BMT: Exorcist: The Beginning; 12 Rounds; BMT: The Covenant; Cutthroat Island; The Legend of Hercules; Mindhunters; Driven; The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director in 1991 for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; in 1996 for Cutthroat Island; in 2002 for Driven; in 2005 for Exorcist: The Beginning; in 2015 for The Legend of Hercules; and in 2022 for The Misfits; Notes: Notably Finnish. Also notably was the original director of Alien 3 prior to leaving right before filming started resulting in the directorial debut of David Fincher.)

Writers – Daniel Waters – ( Known For: Heathers; Batman Returns; Sex and Death 101; Happy Campers; BMT: Demolition Man; Vampire Academy; Hudson Hawk; The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay in 1991 for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; and in 1992 for Hudson Hawk; Notes: Apparently owns the house Orson Welles died in?)

James Cappe – ( BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1991; Notes: A writer on both the Mortal Combat and Poltergeist live action television series.)

David Arnott – ( Future BMT: Last Action Hero; BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Screenplay for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1991; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Last Action Hero in 1994; Notes: Kind of interesting in that both this and Last Action Hero are somewhat known for the breaking of the fourth wall and specifically skewer the music and movie industries in LA.)

Rex Weiner – ( BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Notes: Apparently the movie is based on a book. Or more precisely Weiner was a reporter for Variety and these were a series of noir-ish stories he wrote that were adapted.)

Actors – Andrew Dice Clay – ( Known For: A Star Is Born; Pretty in Pink; Blue Jasmine; Private Resort; Amazon Women on the Moon; Night Patrol; Making the Grade; My 5 Wives; Wacko; Foolish; No Contest; Future BMT: Entourage; Jury Duty; Casual Sex?; One Night at McCool’s; BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1991; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay, and Worst Actor for Dice Rules in 1992; Notes: Hickory. Dickory. Doc. Known for his odd comedic character, dirty nursery rhymes, and strange acting trajectory. Was in 17 episodes of Crime Story, and this was his first major theatrical film.)

Lauren Holly – ( Known For: Spirited Away; Dumb and Dumber; What Women Want; Beautiful Girls; Any Given Sunday; Sabrina; The Blackcoat’s Daughter; Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story; Down Periscope; Seven Minutes in Heaven; How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town; The Chumscrubber; Field of Lost Shoes; In Enemy Hands; After the Ball; Tammy’s Always Dying; Live Wire; Chasing 3000; No Looking Back; The Final Storm; Future BMT: Band of the Hand; BMT: Crank: High Voltage; The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Turbulence; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actress in 1998 for A Smile Like Yours, and Turbulence; Notes: Has been a major television actress forever, Picket Fences, Chicago Hope, NCIS. Dozens of episodes of each. You probably recognizer as the love interest in Dumb and Dumber.)

Wayne Newton – ( Known For: Ocean’s Eleven; Licence to Kill; The Dark Backward; Night of the Running Man; 80 Steps to Jonah; Future BMT: Smokin’ Aces; Vegas Vacation; Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil; Best of the Best II; BMT: The Adventures of Ford Fairlane; Razzie Notes: Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor for The Adventures of Ford Fairlane in 1991; Notes: Known for his flawless signing voice and also looking insane in movies in the 90s. Somehow looks more normal now with his egg-smooth 80-year-old face.)

Budget/Gross – $20 million / Domestic: $21,413,502 (Worldwide: $21,413,502)

(Way more that I would have expected. I’m starting to suspect that the notability and the price are all part and parcel of getting fairly major musicians involved in the film.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 25% (8/32)

(Oh I get to make a consensus: No fun as it pokes fun at women and promotes violence in a low brow bummer. Rotten Tomatoes, call me, that is a killer consensus.)

NY Times Short Review: Low-life private eye solves rock ‘n’ roll murder. 

Poster – The Badvetures of Baddie McFadden

(This is certainly laying it on the line. You like Andrew Dice Clay, this film has loads of it. I appreciate the font, and the sky coloring looks like a paiting, but most everything else is against the rules. Too much white on the poster in particular and the whole setup is old school.C-)

Tagline(s) – Kojak. Columbo. Dirty Harry. Wimps. (A-)

(I’d love to know how they arrived on these particular detectives… should have thrown in Robocop… he’s a god damn robot, so it would really be saying something if you called him a wimp. I do like this tagline quite a bit, even without Robocop. Nicely done.)

Keyword(s) – Citizen Kane

Top 10: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Goodfellas (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), The Terminator (1984), Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989), Full Metal Jacket (1987), Aliens (1986), Groundhog Day (1993)

Future BMT: 75.0 Look Who’s Talking Now (1993), 71.9 Teen Wolf Too (1987), 61.0 Pet Sematary II (1992), 59.6 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.5 Rocky V (1990), 56.4 The Karate Kid Part III (1989), 55.6 Ringmaster (1998), 54.2 Who’s That Girl (1987), 53.2 Made in America (1993), 52.4 Blank Check (1994), 51.5 The Pest (1997), 50.5 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 50.0 Smokey and the Bandit II (1980), 49.9 3 Ninjas (1992), 49.1 My Girl 2 (1994), 48.3 My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988), 47.9 Three Men and a Little Lady (1990), 46.7 House Party 3 (1994), 46.4 Zapped! (1982), 45.8 Sidekicks (1992)

BMT: Batman & Robin (1997), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), Troll 2 (1990), Super Mario Bros. (1993), RoboCop 3 (1993), Grease 2 (1982), Caddyshack II (1988), Bio-Dome (1996), Mac and Me (1988), Anaconda (1997), Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996), Double Team (1997), Fair Game (1995), Leprechaun (1993), Body of Evidence (1992), A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989), Cool World (1992), Poltergeist III (1988), Wild Orchid (1989), Sliver (1993), Chairman of the Board (1997), Red Sonja (1985), Nothing But Trouble (1991), Ishtar (1987), Toys (1992), Weekend at Bernie’s II (1993), Shanghai Surprise (1986), Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Exit to Eden (1994), Fire Down Below (1997), Color of Night (1994), Graveyard Shift (1990), No Holds Barred (1989), The Lawnmower Man (1992), Arthur 2: On the Rocks (1988), Maximum Overdrive (1986), Fire Birds (1990), Cocoon: The Return (1988), Jingle All the Way (1996), Raw Deal (1986), Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986), Crocodile Dundee II (1988), Hudson Hawk (1991), Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (1985), Navy Seals (1990), Critters 2: The Main Course (1988), Hot to Trot (1988), Rambo III (1988), Terminal Velocity (1994), Meatballs Part II (1984), Cobra (1986), Ernest Goes to Jail (1990), Man Trouble (1992), Hard to Kill (1990), Conan the Destroyer (1984), The Golden Child (1986), Another 48 Hrs. (1990), Hard Rain (1998), Under the Cherry Moon (1986), Mannequin (1987), K-9 (1989), Days of Thunder (1990), Blame It on Rio (1984), No Mercy (1986), Senseless (1998), The Wizard (1989), The Marrying Man (1991), Sleeping with the Enemy (1991), The Cannonball Run (1981), Stone Cold (1991), Tango & Cash (1989), Lock Up (1989), The Good Son (1993), 1492: Conquest of Paradise (1992), Dangerous Minds (1995), The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990), Young Guns II (1990), Event Horizon (1997), Dutch (1991), Police Academy (1984), Road House (1989)

Best Options (daddio): 61.0 Pet Sematary II (1992), 50.5 Getting Even with Dad (1994), 49.1 My Girl 2 (1994), 40.8 Iron Eagle (1986), 35.5 Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984), 34.6 Leviathan (1989), 33.0 Mom and Dad Save the World (1992), 29.6 Spaced Invaders (1990), 25.8 Feds (1988), 24.1 Sibling Rivalry (1990), 20.7 Kickboxer (1989), 20.6 Mad City (1997), 18.0 The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990), 17.7 Brewster’s Millions (1985), 17.6 Tai-Pan (1986), 16.6 Mr. Destiny (1990), 15.9 Opportunity Knocks (1990), 12.0 Only the Strong (1993), 2.0 The Five Heartbeats (1991)

(A lot of interesting options, but hitting up the rare Andrew Dice Clay starring vehicle from the brief moment he was bizarrely a star comic was just too good to pass up. Plus we got to flew a bit with the Brary Bros network.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 14) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Lauren Holly is No. 5 billed in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane and No. 2 billed in Turbulence, which also stars Ray Liotta (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (5 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 14. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Maddie Corman’s character is named “Zuzu Petals”, a reference to It’s a Wonderful Life (1946). In that movie, George Bailey’s daughter Zuzu brings home a flower she got at school and shows it to her father and complains that some of the petals are falling off and he puts them in his pocket. Later, when he “was never born,” he reaches into his pocket and Clarence the Angel says, “They’re not there.” “What?” asks George. “Zuzu’s petals.”

As with most films featuring a stand-up comic in the lead role, bits of Andrew Dice Clay’s routine are in the film. They include asking the two guys in the club “What’re names? Neil and Bob? Or is that like what you do?”, the blabbering noise he makes after the first time he leaves Johnny Crunch’s radio station, and referring to his genitals as “Stanley The Power Drill”.

Howard Stern auditioned for the role of Johnny Crunch at Andrew Dice Clay’s insistence. Stern insisted the character was written with him in mind, and he didn’t want to play himself, but he tried out for it anyway. It didn’t work out, and Gilbert Gottfried was selected.

Billy Idol was cast as Smiley, but had to pull out of the role after a nearly-fatal motorcycle accident. Renny Harlin personally asked Robert Englund, who had previously worked with him on A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988), to take over the role after Idol’s accident. Idol’s song “Cradle of Love” is playing when the fraternity sister takes Ford Fairlane and Zuzu Petals to her house.

Fairlane comments about being banned by MTV, which banned Andrew Dice Clay for life in 1988. The ban was lifted several years later.

In an interview in Movieline magazine, screenwriter Daniel Waters said that working with Andrew Dice Clay was “traumatic”. Waters was happy that Clay later said that “Bobby Rivers” wrote the movie.

This is Priscilla Presley’s only film outside of the “Naked Gun” trilogy.

Producer Joel Silver almost pulled the plug on this movie a few weeks before filming because he thought Andrew Dice Clay looked too fat.

The opening Black Plague concert was actually filmed at Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Denver, Colorado.

Renny Harlin used his own Ferrari in the beginning of the film as the car in which the blonde twins are picked up.

The main character was created by writer Rex Weiner, in a series of stories that were published as weekly serials from 1979 to 1980 by the New York Rocker and L.A. Weekly. The stories have since been published as The Original Adventures of Ford Fairlane.

At least three of the band names listed above feature references to earlier movies produced by Joel Silver: “Ellen Aim and the Attackers” is the band fronted by Diane Lane in Streets of Fire (1984), “Nakatomi Boys Choir” is a reference to Die Hard (1988), as the main location of that story was Nakatomi Plaza, and “Alba Varden” is the name of the South Africans’ vessel in Lethal Weapon 2 (1989).

In the original theatrical release, Ford’s toll free number was originally “1-800-PERFECT”. 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE was dubbed over for the video release, probably because 1-800-PERFECT contains seven letters, which would translate to an actual phone number. The video release has an obvious difference between “1-800” and “UNBELIEVABLE”, where it was dubbed over. The original number can be heard on the soundtrack, track nine, “Unbelievable” (which is sound clips from the movie set to music by Yello).

After many letters of protest from classic-car enthusiasts, the film’s production company said that an actual 1957 Ford Fairlane was not blown up in the explosion; it was a fiberglass replica body on a newer Ford chassis.

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture (Joel Silver, Steve Perry, 1991)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Actor (Andrew Dice Clay, 1991)

Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Daniel Waters, James Cappe, David Arnott, 1991)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Gilbert Gottfried, 1991)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Wayne Newton, 1991)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Renny Harlin, 1991)

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Men in Black II Preview

Jamie, Patrick, and LePumice lounge poolside in Vegas. Just one stop on the tour couldn’t do any harm. Besides, LePumice brought his time machine along disguised as a vintage 2003 PT Cruiser, so they can jet at a moment’s notice back to the present. “Suns out, sipping drinks with the bros, our PT Cruiser is looking sweet (duh). Cheers!” Jamie says, luxuriating. Nothing could spoil this day, for sure. Suddenly, Mikey Myers (of Mikey Mike and the Mikey Mikes fame) comes hurrying over. “Vegas, we have a problem,” he says and they all laugh because that’s his catchphrase. But this time he’s serious. “I… uh… just came from the gift shop. Not to freak anyone out, but… uh… I was there.” They laugh again. Silly Mikey, of course he was there because he just said… Patrick shoots up looking startled. “Shit, shit,” Jamie says, picking up the vibe. Future Mikey Myers has found them and is ready to settle the score. Mikey Myers starts to leave with them, but Jamie and Patrick stop him. With hands on his shoulders they tell him how proud they are. By the end of the beautiful speech tears are streaming down all their faces. “We obviously want you to help us, Mikey, but you have a gift.” They turn away ashamed, knowing deep down that selfishly they don’t want Mikey to come because this tour is the key to their Bad Movie Twins empire. LePumice taps his watch, indicating that it’s time to get their PT Cruise on, but as they head away from the pool they stop short at the sight of Future Mikey, dressed in the standard issue black suit of the time cops. They turn back and are aghast at the sight of another Future Mikey. “What thuuuuu…” Jamie says dumbly. That’s right! We’re going classic with Men in Black II. Hard to remember that this film was a critical failure at the time, but it did qualify. Good enough for us and our neverending Chain Reaction which takes us from Walking Tall to Men in Black II through Johnny Knoxville. Let’s go!

Men in Black II (2002) – BMeTric: 31.1; Notability: 129

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 22.4%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 35.3%; Higher BMeT: Crossroads, Rollerball, Halloween: Resurrection, The Master of Disguise, Feardotcom, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Boat Trip, Half Past Dead, The Sweetest Thing, Derailed, Scooby-Doo, Queen of the Damned, Swimfan, Maid in Manhattan, They, Full Frontal, The Truth About Charlie, Snow Dogs, The Tuxedo, and 36 more; Lower RT: Killing Me Softly, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Derailed, Hansel & Gretel, State Property, Ritual, Try Seventeen, Hard Cash, The Master of Disguise, Deuces Wild, Feardotcom, Half Past Dead, Rollerball, Darkness, Serving Sara, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, New Best Friend, Boat Trip, The New Guy, Dragonfly, and 64 more; Notes: Notability off the damn chart! See this is what I’m talking about. A 100+ Notability BMT qualifier? They literally barely exist!

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Some sequels continue a story. Others repeat it. ”Men in Black II” creates a new threat for the MIB, but recycles the same premise, which is that mankind can defeat an alien invasion by assigning agents in Ray-Bans to shoot them into goo. This is a movie that fans of the original might enjoy in a diluted sort of way, but there is no need for it–except, of course, to take another haul at the box office, where the 1997 movie grossed nearly $600 million.

(Yeah, I do kind of remember the film was just kind of the same except with J and K just swapped since K lost his memory at the end of the first film. So that makes a lot of sense.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4NJHqoojOU/

(Yeah … odd trailer. You don’t see any of the actual bad guys from the movie. One good thing is they don’t spoil the big joke of the movie, so that’s nice. Still, how many aliens did you see in that trailer? Just the worms basically. Weird choice.)

Directors – Barry Sonnenfeld – ( Known For: Men in Black; Men in Black 3; The Addams Family; Get Shorty; Addams Family Values; Big Trouble; Future BMT: RV; For Love or Money; BMT: Wild Wild West; Men in Black II; Nine Lives; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Director for Wild Wild West in 2000; Notes: Won an Emmy for Pushing Daisies. He is directing television, specifically episodes of Schmigadoon! for which he is also a producer.)

Writers – Lowell Cunningham – ( Known For: Men in Black; Men in Black 3; Future BMT: Men in Black: International; BMT: Men in Black II; Notes: Writer of the original comics which was published by Aircel Comics (which was later bought out by Malibu Comics which in turn was also bought out by Marvel Comics). There were, amazingly, only six issues ever published.)

Robert Gordon – ( Known For: Galaxy Quest; A Series of Unfortunate Events; Addicted to Love; Future BMT: Wonder Park; BMT: Men in Black II; Notes: He is tapped to write the upcoming Galaxy Quest TV movie … sequel? Remake? Hard to tell.)

Barry Fanaro – ( Known For: Kingpin; Future BMT: The Crew; BMT: I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Men in Black II; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry in 2008; Notes: Was the executive producer and writer on The Golden Girls for its first four seasons for which he won four Emmys. He has apparently written five movies since 2009 which have been options, none of which, evidently, have ultimately been produced.)

Actors – Tommy Lee Jones – ( Known For: No Country for Old Men; Captain America: The First Avenger; Men in Black; The Fugitive; Ad Astra; Jason Bourne; Lincoln; Men in Black 3; Natural Born Killers; JFK; Love Story; Small Soldiers; Under Siege; The Comeback Trail; Space Cowboys; Wander; In the Electric Mist; The Client; Volcano; The Homesman; Future BMT: U.S. Marshals; Criminal; Double Jeopardy; The Family; Blown Away; The Hunted; Man of the House; Rules of Engagement; Just Getting Started; Nate and Hayes; BMT: Batman Forever; Men in Black II; Mechanic: Resurrection; Fire Birds; Notes: Went to Harvard where he was roommates with Al Gore and was part of the undefeated 1968 football team.)

Will Smith – ( Known For: King Richard; Independence Day; Men in Black; Bad Boys for Life; I Am Legend; Enemy of the State; Aladdin; The Pursuit of Happyness; Ali; Bad Boys; Focus; Hancock; Men in Black 3; Bright; I, Robot; Hitch; Six Degrees of Separation; Concussion; Spies in Disguise; The Legend of Bagger Vance; Future BMT: Suicide Squad; Gemini Man; Shark Tale; Bad Boys II; Seven Pounds; Collateral Beauty; Made in America; BMT: Wild Wild West; After Earth; Men in Black II; Winter’s Tale; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Supporting Actor, and Worst Screen Combo for After Earth in 2014; Winner for Worst Screen Couple, and Worst Original Song for Wild Wild West in 2000; and Nominee for Worst Screenplay for After Earth in 2014; Notes: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh … well, you know Will Smith, Oscar Winner for King Richard. He somewhat notably (I’m not sure you would have heard this) was suspended from the Academy for slapping Chris Rock on stage at the Oscars. Little known fact.)

Rip Torn – ( Known For: Men in Black; Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story; Hercules; Men in Black 3; Marie Antoinette; The Insider; Bee Movie; The Beastmaster; Wonder Boys; The Man Who Fell to Earth; The Legend of Awesomest Maximus; King of Kings; Airplane II: The Sequel; Coma; Defending Your Life; Sweet Bird of Youth; How to Make an American Quilt; A Face in the Crowd; Canadian Bacon; Extreme Prejudice; Future BMT: Zoom; Down Periscope; Summer Rental; Senseless; City Heat; BMT: Men in Black II; Yours, Mine & Ours; Freddy Got Fingered; RoboCop 3; Welcome to Mooseport; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Freddy Got Fingered in 2002; Notes: Died in 2019. Somewhat sadly/amusingly he was arrested for robbing a bank, but in reality he was drunk and, since his residence was in the same building, he broke in merely thinking it was where he lived.)

Budget/Gross – $140,000,000 / Domestic: $193,735,288 (Worldwide: $445,135,288)

(Yeah maybe not what you want domestically after the first made about $50 million more and overall the first made over $100 million more. Still a decent blockbuster though. I imagine TLJ was the big sticking point since they eventually wrote him out of the series.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 39% (76/197): Lacking the freshness of the first movie, MIB 2 recycles elements from its predecessor with mixed results.

(Yeah, there it is. Still a bit stunning at the drop from the prior installment. I just watched the original, it ain’t that good. And I imagine MIB II isn’t thaaaaaat much worse.)

Reviewer Highlight: After five years, the chemistry has curdled. – Peter Bradshaw, Guardian

Poster – The Notorious MIB

(I like the stark black and white. Funny they brought back the weird egg chairs from the first one for this poster. It is certainly a distinctive scene, but not notable and I don’t think they ever show up again. Good font. Good poster. A-.)

Tagline(s) – Back in Black. (C-)

(I can’t be too hard on it. It’s short and honestly that’s where my mind would go too. Hard to shake the similarity between the words Black and Back and so I would be stuck making something like this too. Still, just not very good.)

Keyword(s) – alien

Top 10: Dune (2021), Eternals (2021), Sonic the Hedgehog (2020), Don’t Look Up (2021), Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Ultimate Edition (2016), The Suicide Squad (2021), Avengers: Endgame (2019), Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021), Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021), Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

Future BMT: 80.6 The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), 71.5 Supergirl (1984), 66.3 Max Steel (2016), 65.4 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (1997), 63.4 Meet Dave (2008), 61.1 Space Chimps (2008), 59.0 Suburban Commando (1991), 58.9 Apollo 18 (2011), 55.8 The Stupids (1996), 54.5 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

BMT: The 5th Wave (2016), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), Battleship (2012), Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021), Pixels (2015), Independence Day: Resurgence (2016), The Predator (2018), Species (1995), After Earth (2013), Men in Black II (2002), I Am Number Four (2011), Howard the Duck (1986), Jupiter Ascending (2015), Lost in Space (1998), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Battle Los Angeles (2011), Alien vs. Predator (2004), Masters of the Universe (1987), Predator 2 (1990), Mac and Me (1988), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008), Battlefield Earth (2000), Ghosts of Mars (2001), The Host (2013), Doom (2005), Dreamcatcher (2003), Skyline (2010), The Darkest Hour (2011), The Space Between Us (2017), Species II (1998), Alone in the Dark (2005), Virus (1999), Critters 2 (1988), The Astronaut’s Wife (1999), Escape from Planet Earth (2012), Wing Commander (1999), Meatballs Part II (1984)

Matches: Eternals (2021), The Fifth Element (1997), Venom (2018), Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016), Man of Steel (2013), The Avengers (2012), Starship Troopers (1997), Captain Marvel (2019), Aliens (1986), Arrival (2016), Annihilation (2018), The Tomorrow War (2021), Transformers (2007), Independence Day (1996), A Quiet Place Part II (2020), The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (2005), Edge of Tomorrow (2014), The 5th Wave (2016), Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014), Cosmic Sin (2021), Green Lantern (2011), Oblivion (2013), Transformers: The Last Knight (2017), E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982), The Thing (1982), War of the Worlds (2005), Mars Attacks! (1996), They Live (1988), Ender’s Game (2013), Men in Black: International (2019), The Faculty (1998), Galaxy Quest (1999), Megamind (2010), Power Rangers (2017), Men in Black 3 (2012), Krull (1983), Pixels (2015), Star Trek: First Contact (1996), The Watch (2012), Alien 3 (1992), Paul (2011), Riddick (2013), Lilo & Stitch (2002), We Can Be Heroes (2020), 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016), Zathura: A Space Adventure (2005), Species (1995), Slither (2006), Men in Black II (2002), The Abyss (1989), Treasure Planet (2002), Alien: Resurrection (1997), I Am Number Four (2011), Predators (2010), Cocoon (1985), … (an many more)

(So many alien films. And I suppose amusingly since we did What Happens in Vegas last week that first movie in the Future BMT section (The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas) also technically takes place in Vegas! The alien is the Great Gazoo, obviously the thing you want to bring to the Flintstones movie franchise is the huge mistake they introduced in like season 7 right before they got canceled. That makes sense.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 11) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Tommy Lee Jones is No. 2 billed in Men in Black II and No. 3 billed in Mechanic: Resurrection, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (No. 1 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (2 + 3) + (1 + 1) + (3 + 1) = 11. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The original pug from Men in Black (1997) was used to play Frank again, but since the pug was now seven years old, they used makeup to hide the gray fur around its nose.

J’s line on the “driver airbag” (“Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.”) was improvised by Will Smith. The producers liked it so much it even made the theatrical trailer.

Famke Janssen was originally cast as Serleena, and even completed some of the filming, but was forced to drop out of the project due to a death in her family. Lara Flynn Boyle was then cast in her place.

The extra head attached to Scrad is called a ‘symbiote,’ and was first developed in Men in Black: The Series (1997). It is the most obvious development of the animated series to be carried over into the movies.

Linda Fiorentino was originally intended to reprise her role as Agent L, before eventually being dropped from the script.

The children of the cast/crew make an appearance in the film: the little girl at the post office who wants to buy Rugrats (1991) stamps is Barry Sonnenfeld’s daughter Chloe Sonnenfeld.Tommy Lee Jones’s daughter appears in the film as the little girl in the apartment where J, K, and the worms acquire weaponry. and the two children who look up as the MiB car flies overhead are Will Smith’s kids.

Reputedly Jack Nicholson insisted on the casting of Lara Flynn Boyle. Sony were keen to get Nicholson for their Adam Sandler comedy “Anger Management”, and Flynn Boyle was Nicholson’s girlfriend at the time.

The beatboxing alien in the post office is played by the rapper Biz Markie, who also has a recurring role on the kid’s TV show Yo Gabba Gabba! also showing off his beatboxing talents

Barry Sonnenfeld took issue with the producers wanting to focus on the love story between Agent J and Laura: “I learned on Wild Wild West (1999) that audiences didn’t want to see Will Smith as the straight man. And until Tommy Lee Jones comes back into the movie, by definition, Will’s the straight man.”

The locker that holds the tiny aliens who worship K is numbered C18, the same number of the locker used in the film Get Shorty (1995) that contains the “dirty” money. Both films were directed by Barry Sonnenfeld.

Though Linda Fiorentino’s character was prepped to co-anchor in the sequel alongside Will Smith, it has been reported that Tommy Lee Jones only agreed to return under the direct stipulation that Fiorentino wasn’t invited back.

Fire Island Lighthouse, New York, serves as a stand-in for the Truro, Massachusetts, Post Office.

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Lara Flynn Boyle, 2003)

Morbius Preview

Jamie flips back the denim sheet covering the other crate of jorts and huddled in the corner is, “Little Mikey Myers?” Jamie and Patrick gasp simultaneously. Now in his late teens and clutching a PaJama ParTy CD to his chest, Mikey Myers looks at them with fear in his eyes. “Are you…,” he stammers but can’t finish the thought before he faints. This is tickling some vague memory for Patrick, but he can’t quite grasp it. “Wake him up and bring him along. We can’t risk him alerting the guards,” Patrick finally says and soon they are all on their way to the PaJama ParTy green room. LePumice is staring around at his surroundings in awe. “The last concert,” he whispers, “the scene of the crime.” Jamie’s jaw clenches. “Yes,” he agrees, “the night we embarrassed ourselves. It’s clear we were sent here to stop Ty from doing what he did. To resolve the sins of the past and give PaJama ParTy the send off it deserved.” But Patrick isn’t so sure. When they reach the green room door they take a deep breath before busting into the room, a twin chop ready for action. The scene is familiar, Parsons eyes glazed, Ty a devious smirk on his lips, and Jamie and Patrick about to mack on some potent weed brownies. Jamie screams, “Don’t eat it, it’s reefer. Ty is trying to ruin everything.” But instead of a thanks, teen heartthrob Jamie just rolls his eyes. “Uh duh, gramps. That’s the point,” and with that he downs the brownie. Now they remember… The fans were too much, the fame was too much. They did it together. “Now what?” Jamie says hopelessly. Patrick looks at his watch and looks at LePumice, Mikey, and Patrick. “Looks like we’re doing this live.” That’s right! We are doing it Live! BMT Live, that is, and watching the latest, greatest, worstest movie on the block: Morbius. He is a living vampire and we are living people actually going to the theater to watch the film. Let’s go!

Morbius (2022) – BMeTric: 53.5; Notability: 34

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 2.0%; Notability: top 0.0%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 3.6%; Higher BMeT: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Brazen, The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild, Moonfall, Blacklight; Lower RT: Blacklight, Brazen; Notes: So yeah, 34 probably actually translates to what? Like 70 in the long run for Notability. So you probably have to double things. Would be kind of interesting to try and figure something like that out. Could use Lives! from the last few years maybe (NOTE: Looking back at a few it seems like x1.5 is a pretty safe bet. Unfortunately Notability doesn’t go back very far). I am very much looking forward to Blacklight though.

RogerEbert.com – 2.0 stars – Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto), the title character of Columbia Pictures’ MCU-adjacent semi-horror movie “Morbius,” is a “living vampire.” What, you might be thinking, does that mean? Did the good doctor become a vampire without having to die first? Why, yes—he fused his DNA with vampire bat DNA in an attempt to cure the rare, fatal blood disease that’s been plaguing him since childhood. (What disease, you ask? You sweet, innocent child.) The fusion gave him super speed, super strength, echolocation abilities, and an appetite for blood that’s only partially sated by the artificial substitute for which Morbius rejects a Nobel Prize at the beginning of the film. (Why? Again, you’re asking too many questions.) In short, he’s a science vampire. (So, like if Batman was a doctor, then? Wrong universe, but close.)

(It is a very accurate description of how maddening this film is. But … how is that review a 2/4 stars? The film isn’t close to that good and is gobbledegook, so I don’t get how you go above 1.5 stars at all.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQK-QxxtE8Y/

(Yeah … that looks like garbage haha. Dark, nonsensical garbage. So that’s something to look forward to.)

Directors – Daniel Espinosa – ( Known For: Life; Safe House; Child 44; Snabba Cash; BMT: Morbius; Notes: He is from Sweden. He is announced for two Middle-East-set films about war. I assume in the end only one of those will actually be made.)

Writers – Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless – ( Known For: Power Rangers; Future BMT: Dracula Untold; BMT: Morbius; Gods of Egypt; The Last Witch Hunter; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Gods of Egypt in 2017; Notes: A writing team who also created the new Lost in Space series. They are also writing a Madam Web movie … for real, who are these characters Sony is making movies about?)

Actors – Jared Leto – ( Known For: Blade Runner 2049; House of Gucci; Zack Snyder’s Justice League; American Psycho; Fight Club; Requiem for a Dream; Panic Room; The Little Things; Dallas Buyers Club; Girl, Interrupted; Lord of War; Mr. Nobody; The Thin Red Line; The Outsider; Chapter 27; Prefontaine; How to Make an American Quilt; Lonely Hearts; Highway; Sunset Strip; Future BMT: Suicide Squad; Alexander; Switchback; Black & White; BMT: Morbius; Urban Legend; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Supporting Actor for House of Gucci in 2022; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Suicide Squad in 2017; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for House of Gucci in 2022; Notes: These days possibly more known for being somewhat of a lunatic on set than anything else. He won an Oscar for Dallas Buyers Club which has given him something of a blank check over the last ten years.)

Matt Smith – ( Known For: Last Night in Soho; Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; Official Secrets; The Forgiven; His House; Charlie Says; Womb; Lost River; Patient Zero; Mapplethorpe; Bert & Dickie; Future BMT: Terminator Genisys; BMT: Morbius; Notes: Actually most famous for Dr. Who. He was a fine Doctor, although out of the five Doctors since the restart of the series he might be my least favorite, personally.)

Adria Arjona – ( Known For: 6 Underground; Triple Frontier; Pacific Rim: Uprising; Sweet Girl; The Belko Experiment; Future BMT: Life of the Party; BMT: Morbius; Notes: She’s going to be in the Star Wars show Andor. Originally from Puerto Rico, she’s the daughter of singer Ricardo Arjona.)

Budget/Gross – $75–83 million / Domestic: $43,838,847 (Worldwide: $88,738,847)

(I think this will likely be a small loss for Sony in the end, but maybe not so bad that they will pull the plug on the Sinister Six entirely. I’ll end up probably around like $70 domestic and closer to $100 international for a $60 take home for Sony … not what you want, but also maybe not enough to deter things. Then again The Mummy made waaaaaay more than that and the Dark Universe was just one and done immediately.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 16% (33/205): Cursed with uninspired effects, rote performances, and a borderline nonsensical story, this dreary mess is a vein attempt to make Morbius happen.

(Really rather astonishingly bad. Shocking. Like … I was half convinced it was impossible to release a blockbuster with sub-20% these days just because of how studios could repeat the test-screen/reshoot cycle until a film was merely boring instead of outright bad.)

Reviewer Highlight: Morbius is a forgettable, often laughable, entry in Sony’s attempt to fill its own Spider-Man-adjacent cinematic universe, a poorly edited, derivative time suck — pun intended. – Mark Kennedy, Associated Press

Poster – Morbius: Two Wong Chew, Fangs for Everything! Julie Newmar (the Living Vampire)

(There is some nice effort here. I was afraid this would be blah grays and blacks, but they give it an 80’s vibe with some red, blue and purple pop. Nice font too. Biggest problem? This is what I call a Tom Cruise poster: all about dat star. But is Jared Leto really enough of a draw to be the whole poster? Feels incorrect. B-.)

Tagline(s) – The line between hero and villain will be broken. (B-)

(Phew, I thought the tagline on the poster was official and that one is terrible. This one is way better. Effective from an advertising angle (I’m intrigued) but maybe not all that clever or interesting. Still, not bad.)

Keyword(s) – vampire

Top 10: Morbius (2022), Twilight (2008), Doctor Sleep (2019), I Am Legend (2007), Hotel Transylvania: Transformania (2022), Blade (1998), Dracula (1992), The Lost Boys (1987), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Future BMT: 90.0 Vampires Suck (2010), 88.6 BloodRayne (2005), 51.7 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 49.9 Sleepwalkers (1992), 47.1 Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), 44.6 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 43.4 Bordello of Blood (1996), 43.0 Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), 40.9 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.9 Blade: Trinity (2004)

BMT: Morbius (2022), Hellboy (2019), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Priest (2011), Vampire Academy (2014), Queen of the Damned (2002), Dracula 2000 (2000), Ultraviolet (2006), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999)

Matches: Twilight (2008), Blade (1998), Dracula (1992), The Lost Boys (1987), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994), Let Me In (2010), Blade: Trinity (2004), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012), Blade II (2002), Underworld (2003), Dark Shadows (2012), The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010), Night Teeth (2021), The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Fright Night (2011), Near Dark (1987), Body Double (1984), 30 Days of Night (2007), Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), Fright Night (1985), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), Daybreakers (2009), Priest (2011), Vampire Academy (2014), Queen of the Damned (2002), Vampires (1998), Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Dracula 2000 (2000), Ultraviolet (2006), Sleepwalkers (1992), Underworld: Awakening (2012), Embrace of the Vampire (1995), Once Bitten (1985), Vampire’s Kiss (1988), Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), Thirst (2009), Shadow of the Vampire (2000), The Little Vampire (2000), A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014), Fright Night Part 2 (1988), BloodRayne (2005), Freaks of Nature (2015), Paris, je t’aime (2006), Vampires Suck (2010), The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2 (2021), … (and many more)

(We’ve watched a ton of these over the last two years I think. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (or as I know it, LXG obvs) has somehow evaded us. It isn’t impossible that that is a Hall of Famer in waiting, that film is hilariously bad.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 10) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jared Leto is No. 1 billed in Morbius and No. 2 billed in Urban Legend, which also stars Alicia Witt (No. 1 billed) who is in 88 Minutes (No. 2 billed) which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 3 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 2) + (3 + 1) = 10. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The name of the cargo ship in the beginning of the movie is Murnau (as in F.W. Murnau, the director of the classic vampire movie ‘Nosferatu’). Like the cargo ship in ‘Nosferatu’, the Murnau arrives in port with its entire crew dead and drained of blood.

The character of Morbius can also be glimpsed in the bonus features of the Blade (1998) DVD, in a deleted ending.

Matt Smith joined the film, after previously turning down other superhero film roles, due to director Daniel Espinosa’s involvement and encouragement from his former Doctor Who co-star Karen Gillan, who portrays Nebula in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The New York scenes were actually filmed in Manchester’s Northern Quarter, United Kingdom. All city lights, signs, and license plates were changed to match those found in New York.

In the subway scene, several ads/posters are seen in the background with the names “Thomas & Kane”. An obvious nod to Roy Thomas and Gil Kane, who were the creators of the Marvel superhero Iron Fist.

In the first crime scene, Agent Ramirez states that this was the weirdest crime after “that thing in San Francisco”. This is a reference to Venom. Later in the movie, Morbius states, “I am Venom.”

Leto was rumored for another vampire role, Lestat in Josh Boone’s failed Vampire Chronicles reboot.

Second SSMU film to tie-in to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, after Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021).

The original cut had Carnage as one of Morbius’ prisoners (before the film was reshuffled and placed eight movies ahead of where it originally was going to be).

The film was set to be released on July 31, 2020 in the United States. But when the coronavirus pandemic began to affect the film industry including attendance at movie theaters, the film’s release was moved to March 19, 2021, January 11, 2021 and finally January 28, 2022. Sony Pictures subsequently began moving their release date for 2020 films to 2021 including another film set in Sony Pictures Universe of Marvel Characters: Venom: Let There Be Carnage from its October 2, 2020 release date to June 25, 2021. Spider-Man: No Way Home, another Marvel film associated with the Marvel Cinematic Universe, was dated for release in the United States on July 16, 2021 to November 5, 2021, and again to December 17, 2021.

One of the key locations in the film is Horizon Labs, where Morbius looks after children with the same blood disorder that he has — while also carrying out his research into curing the condition. But Horizon Labs has been a huge part of the “Spider-Man” comics in the last decade, as Peter Parker worked there during Dan Slott’s run on the character. It’s a place for gifted scientists to work on the most cutting-edge technology and ideas, without the restraints of having to pitch them to a board of directors. Horizon Labs first appears in “Amazing Spider-Man” issue #648, and it’s run by Max Modell, one of Peter’s personal heroes in the scientific community. Morbius also works for Horizon in the comics, and he’s the one who creates a serum that saves everyone in New York when the events of “Spider-Island” turn everyone into giant arachnids. But he’s not the only villain to grace the laboratory’s halls. Otto Octavius, aka Doctor Octopus, also works for the company after he transfers his consciousness into Peter’s brain in “Amazing Spider-Man” issue #700 — and he uses Horizon as a way of developing new technology for his own heroic career. Although don’t worry, non-comic readers, Otto eventually surrendered Peter’s body back to the hero’s consciousness.

J.K. Simmons originally filmed scenes as J. Jonah Jameson for this movie. In the time that elapsed between the film’s original shoot and the production of Spider-Man: No Way Home, it became evident to the filmmakers that Morbius did not actually exist in the same universe as J.K. Simmons’ version of J. Jonah Jameson. As a result, Simmons’ scenes were removed from the film.

MCU fans prefer to think that the Adrian Toomes / Vulture from another universe is a variant and not the one from the MCU despite the confirmation from the director that it’s the same character, given how his character arc was resolved in Spider-Man: Homecoming and how his appearance here undermines it, not to mention how the logic behind his appearance in this universe doesn’t gel with how No Way Home presented the spell.

Priest (2011) Preview

Patrick is sweating bullets as he watches the intense hearts game commence between Jamie and the dastardly Donovan LePumice. Jamie always said, “Hearts in the thinking man’s poker,” and boy howdy is he showing his stuff. Hearts are flying left and right as he parries LePumice’s every move. When the dust settles they both look at their cards, chests heaving in exhaustion. “Wha-wha-whaaaaaaa?” Jamie says like a dope. And no wonder, both Jamie and LePumice appear to have simultaneously shot the moon. “Saboteur!” screams Jamie. “I do declare!” swoons LePumice in shock, but he quickly recovers to pull a gun on them. Patrick holds up his hand, urgently begging LePumice to listen. “Don’t you see? It’s a conspiracy. Why are you here, LePumice? Who sent you?” LePumice looks rattled. “Sent me? I just answered a call. A call for all Timecops to take down the Bad Movie Twins, or should I say Bad Movie Terrorists?” he spits. Jamie and Patrick shake their heads in dismay. They explain everything to LePumice, including just how rad they looked showing off on their dirt bikes. “Remember that?” Jamie asks and Patrick nods wistfully, having a pretty sweet audio flashback of that recent memory. LePumice lowers his gun, a look of resolve crossing his face. “I can’t help but believe you, even if the warrant for your time arrest noted that you might try to do something rad to distract me. Like some sweet dance moves or a chilling, ethereal duet. It all seems too… perfect. Let me help you.” Jamie and Patrick try to dissuade him. It’s too dangerous. He won’t be swayed though, and indicates for them to follow him. “We must get to the church. It’s where my time machine is… to take you back to the future.” That’s right! We are heading into the future for this year’s ongoing cycle. We start it off right by choosing Priest, a film that is probably, maybe, almost definitely set in the future… we think. It’s also only 87 minutes long. Works for me! Let’s go!

Priest (2011) – BMeTric: 43.9; Notability: 48

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 13.2%; Notability: top 10.4%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 9.1%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Human Centipede 2: Tom Six Discusses the Story Concept, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, The Darkest Hour, The Roommate, Abduction, Conan the Barbarian, Zookeeper, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Apollo 18, I Don’t Know How She Does It, The Dilemma, Twixt, Trespass, and 13 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Green Lantern, Cars 2, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, Your Highness, Hop, New Year’s Eve, Jack and Jill, The Smurfs, Red Riding Hood, Battle Los Angeles, Sucker Punch, In Time, The Hangover Part II, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, I Am Number Four, Johnny English Reborn, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Season of the Witch, and 6 more; Lower RT: Faces in the Crowd, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Hick, Abduction, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Red Riding Hood, Trespass, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, The Darkest Hour, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, There Be Dragons, Zookeeper, and 2 more; Notes: The era from 2000+ is quite interesting because there were so many bad movies that despite watching a ton of bad movies we still have only watched half of those available. Amazingly stayed stock still at a surprisingly high 5.7 on IMDb.

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  Director and star of Legion reunite for an equally absurd but more exciting fantasy-thriller with religious overtones. In a postapocalyptic world ruled by the Catholic Church, an ages-old war between humans and humongous vampires has been settled by lethally efficient clerical warriors. But when rogue bloodsuckers kidnap his niece, Priest (Bettany) comes out of forced retirement to save her from a fate worse than death. Violent action-adventue borrows imagery and plot elements from The Searchers and other classic Westerns, and is all the more enjoyable as a guilty pleasure for not slipping into self-conscious campiness. Based on a Korean graphic novel series.

(Long review. And that does seem to be the consensus, that it is at least more enjoyable than Legion, but still terrible.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VNczhWD2ao

(You know, it just occurred to me that Bettany is, for kind of no reason, forced to put on an American accent. They are like “Bettany … what if you character talked like Christian Bale in Batman?” Weird choice. They just let Plummer talk like Christopher Plummer, just let Bettany be Bettany you know?)

Directors – Scott Stewart – ( Known For: Dark Skies; Holidays; Future BMT: Legion; BMT: Priest; Notes: He started as a visual effects artist for Industrial Light + Magic including working on Phantom Menace.)

Writers – Cory Goodman – ( Future BMT: Underworld: Blood Wars; Apollo 18; BMT: The Last Witch Hunter; Priest; Notes: There isn’t much information about him online. This was his first credited film, and he hasn’t been credited since 2016.)

Min-Woo Hyung – ( BMT: Priest; Notes: He wrote the graphic novel. I think he also made one called Ghostface, but Priest is by far his most famous work.)

Actors – Paul Bettany – ( Known For: Avengers: Infinity War; Iron Man; The Avengers; Captain America: Civil War; Avengers: Age of Ultron; Iron Man Three; Solo: A Star Wars Story; Legend; Iron Man 2; A Beautiful Mind; A Knight’s Tale; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World; Margin Call; Dogville; Uncle Frank; The Young Victoria; Wimbledon; The Secret Life of Bees; Journey’s End; Bent; Future BMT: The Da Vinci Code; The Tourist; Legion; Inkheart; BMT: Transcendence; Priest; Mortdecai; Firewall; Notes: Most recently seen in WandaVision as Vision for which he was nominated for an Emmy. He directed the film Shelter starring his wife Jennifer Connelly.)

Cam Gigandet – ( Known For: Twilight; The Magnificent Seven; The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2; Easy A; Without Remorse; Dangerous Lies; In the Blood; The Experiment; Assimilate; Free Ride; Bad Johnson; 4 Minute Mile; Plush; Broken Vows; Red Sky; On the Doll; The Shadow Effect; Future BMT: Never Back Down; Pandorum; The Unborn; Who’s Your Caddy?; BMT: Burlesque; The Roommate; Priest; Trespass; Notes: We call him Cam Gigantic which I’m starting to think is pretty offensive, but whatever. Was credited on the soundtrack of Burlesque for singing Bound to You.)

Maggie Q – ( Known For: The Protégé; Divergent; Mission: Impossible III; Live Free or Die Hard; Rush Hour 2; Death of Me; New York, I Love You; The Con is On; Naked Weapon; Slumber; Operation: Endgame; The Argument; The King of Fighters; The Crash; Gen-Y Cops; Three Kingdoms; Dragon Heat; Lang zai ji; Hainan ji fan; The Trouble-Makers; Future BMT: Allegiant; The Divergent Series: Insurgent; Balls of Fury; Deception; BMT: Fantasy Island; Around the World in 80 Days; Priest; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Fantasy Island in 2021; Notes: Voices Wonder Woman in Young Justice. She was born in Hawaii and is half Vietnamese.)

Budget/Gross – $60,000,000 / Domestic: $29,137,000 (Worldwide: $78,309,505)

(Terrible. But unsurprising. Giant weirdo sci-fi nonsense from the 2000s always seemed to be chasing something (The Matrix maybe?) but then never really seemed to make much money.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (15/101): Sleek and stylish, but those qualities are wasted on a dull, derivative blend of sci-fi, action, and horror.

(It really is a mishmash. It looks like a western, but objectively takes place in the future, but then also exists in a fantasy world where humans have been fighting vampires for centuries. Just a weird idea that probably works better as a graphic novel.)

Reviewer Highlight: The God of Aborted Franchises will be pleased. – Keith Uhlich, Time Out

Poster – Priest with the Least

(Nice font, but that’s kind of it. I like the detail and effort, but it’s very dark and kind of cheesy looking. Overall still OK though C+.)

Tagline(s) – The War is Eternal. His Mission is Just the Beginning. (D)

(Been a while since I got to say this: this sounds like a tagline, but I assure you it is not. This is straight nonsense. Just words put together to sound like a tagline. It’s not.)

Keyword(s) – vampire

Top 10: Hotel Transylvania: Transformania (2022), Hotel Transylvania (2012), Twilight (2008), Doctor Sleep (2019), Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation (2018), Dark Shadows (2012), The Lost Boys (1987), Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)

Future BMT: 90.0 Vampires Suck (2010), 88.5 BloodRayne (2005), 51.7 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010), 49.9 Sleepwalkers (1992), 44.9 Transylvania 6-5000 (1985), 43.3 Bordello of Blood (1996), 41.2 Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 40.9 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003), 40.9 Blade: Trinity (2004), 40.2 The Forsaken (2001)

BMT: Hellboy (2019), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Vampire Academy (2014), Queen of the Damned (2002), Dracula 2000 (2000), Priest (2011), Ultraviolet (2006), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), Dudley Do-Right (1999)

Matches: Twilight (2008), Dark Shadows (2012), The Lost Boys (1987), From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994), Dracula (1992), Night Teeth (2021), Blade (1998), Hotel Transylvania 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012), Let Me In (2010), Underworld (2003), Blade: Trinity (2004), Blade II (2002), The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010), The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013), Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Body Double (1984), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992), 30 Days of Night (2007), Vampire Academy (2014), Underworld: Blood Wars (2016), Vampires (1998), Queen of the Damned (2002), Near Dark (1987), Once Bitten (1985), Fright Night (1985), Paris, je t’aime (2006), Fright Night (2011), BloodRayne (2005), Embrace of the Vampire (1995), Underworld: Evolution (2006), Daybreakers (2009), Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009), Dracula 2000 (2000), Underworld: Awakening (2012), Thirst (2009), The Stakelander (2016), A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014), Priest (2011), Sleepwalkers (1992), Vampire’s Kiss (1988), Ultraviolet (2006), Freaks of Nature (2015), Shadow of the Vampire (2000), Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995), Stake Land (2010), The House Next Door: Meet the Blacks 2 (2021), Fright Night Part 2 (1988), Vampires Suck (2010), The Little Vampire (2000), Night Watch (2004), Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009), My Best Friend Is a Vampire (1987), Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995), … (and many more)

(So many and so many left and even so many solid BMTs left. My god … we haven’t watched The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen! I mean, I have seen it (in theaters). We just haven’t watched it for BMT yet.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 10) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Paul Bettany is No. 1 billed in Priest and No. 2 billed in Firewall, which also stars Harrison Ford (No. 1 billed) who is in Hollywood Homicide (No. 1 billed) which also stars Josh Hartnett (No. 2 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 3 billed) => (1 + 2) + (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) = 10. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – The animated opening was a compromise solution, since the studios had no interest in going over budget for a live-action version of the centuries-long battle of humans against vampires, so the scene was done by animation which was much cheaper to realize.

The girl Priest is looking for is called Lucy. This is a throwback to the Dracula of Bram Stoker, where there is also a character named Lucy, who is also an engaged redheaded girl in need of saving.

The basic premise of this is the search for a kidnapped girl, the niece of the Priest, who accompanied by her boyfriend set off after the kidnappers [Vampires], at one point the Priest says if his niece is infected he will kill her, to which her boyfriend says he will stop him. This is the same premise as a classic western the Searchers, with John Wayne saying he will kill the niece he and Jeffrey Hunter are searching for because of her being so long with the Indians and Jeffrey Hunter saying he will stop him. In both films both the Priest and John Wayne say “you can try”

The two companies responsible for building the bikes, Cinema Vehicle Services and Ghostlight Industries started with the Suzuki Gladius. The builders took the initial artists’ sketches and made adjustments that would allow them to create fully functioning, usable vehicles. Alloy swing arms were fitted to the rear of the bikes with a strengthened suspension setup similar to that used on sidecars. The front wheels were also extended out from the bikes using completely custom designed front ends. The low stance was then achieved by building custom fuel tanks that could be relocated to beneath the seat in the extra space created by the massively extended swing arm. Using foam and wood the extreme styling from the concept sketches was shaped over the heavily modified Gladius. The final touches including paint, age effects and the weapons were then added by the production’s art department. All the motorcycles produced for the film took around 6 weeks to produce. One builder was quoted as confidently saying that the motorcycles could be road registered and ridden daily.

Stephen Moyer did this film between seasons of playing a vampire in True Blood (2008).

Cam Gigandet played James, a vampire, in Twilight (2008).

Virus Preview

As Jamie heads out of the apartment he almost bumps into a delivery man carrying a large wooden box. After he drops it off, Jamie waits a moment before asking the obvious question… “what’s that?” Patrick looks up confused. “Oh… you mean the box? I got a safe to keep the Obsidian Dongle in but now… you know… we don’t have it anymore.” Jamie nods. Makes sense. No need to investigate further or even think about that box. It’s obviously nothing that anybody needs to worry about. With that clearly unimportant event out of the way Jamie heads downtown whistling Starring Jason Derulo. It sure is catchy. As he approaches WARR, their local pirate radio station, he is shocked to find a “Closed” sign up in the window. Whaa-whaaa-whaaaaaa? Quickly snatching the transistor radio out of his pocket he tunes it to the station and hears only static. What the heck is going on? He walks down the street getting odd glances from everyone he sees. But really he should be giving them weird glances. Seems a bit warm to be wearing face masks. When he arrives at the second most popular local pirate radio station WGRG the owner is just locking up. “Oh thank god,” Jamie says relieved, “I have a hot new track that needs to drop fast for the latest FMV VR video game craze for the gucci crowd.” The owner understands all this perfectly but informs him that because of the virus he’ll have to send it via email. “Virus?” Jamie asks and the man snorts. “What have you been living under a rock?” Jamie, insulted, is about to inform him that no, he just happened to be saving the world for the last year (thank you very much) when everything clicks into place. A pandemic! That’s right! We’re appropriately watching Virus starring Jamie Lee Curtis. She considers it the worst film she’s made and so I’ve been pretty excited to catch it one of these days. It also had what is widely considered a terrible video game associated with that, so Patrick can have fun with that. Let’s go!

Virus (1999) – BMeTric: 60.1; Notability: 44

StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 4.4%; Notability: top 31.2%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 5.4% Higher BMeT: Baby Geniuses, Inspector Gadget, Universal Soldier: The Return, Wild Wild West, Wing Commander, The Haunting, Dudley Do-Right, Bats, The Rage: Carrie 2; Higher Notability: Wild Wild West, Inspector Gadget, The 13th Warrior, Snow Falling on Cedars, The Haunting, Idle Hands, End of Days, Joan of Arc, My Favorite Martian, The Out-of-Towners, Random Hearts, Crazy in Alabama, Double Jeopardy, Instinct, Stigmata, The Bone Collector, In Too Deep, Entrapment, Teaching Mrs. Tingle, The General’s Daughter, and 4 more; Lower RT: Baby Geniuses, The Mod Squad, Universal Soldier: The Return, The Omega Code, The Bachelor, Eye of the Beholder, Wing Commander, Chill Factor, Body Shots, End of Days, My Favorite Martian; Notes: Really solid, the IMDb rating is absurdly low. We’ve almost seen all of those Higher BMeT films. Inspector Gadget and The Rage: Carrie 2 are the only non-BMT … which is incredible.

RogerEbert.com – 1.0 stars – The last half hour of the movie is almost unseeable. In dark dimness, various human and other figures race around in a lot of water and flashlight beams, and there is much screaming. Occasionally an eye, a limb, or a bloody face emerges from the gloom. Many instructions are shouted. If you can explain to me the exact function of that rocket tube that turns up at the end, I will be sincerely grateful. If you can explain how anyone could survive that function, I will be amazed. The last shot is an homage to “The African Queen,” a movie I earnestly recommend instead of this one.

(I might just have to go ahead and watch The African Queen. Although I’ll watch both … I don’t need to make a choice or anything. I don’t look forward to watching this film in broad daylight on my old dim television and being like “THIS DIRECTOR IS AN IDIOT!” when it is actually mostly me watching it like an insane person.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEFf78HegJg/

(Oh shit is that a ghost ship with the most ship? Blast from the past with Mir as well, which fell back to Earth in 2001 (a mere two years later). Really went for the “return of the scream queen” ending there with a clear jump scare a la Alien as well.)

Directors – John Bruno – (Known For: Heavy Metal; BMT: Virus; Notes: Nominated for 6 Academy Awards for special effects (and won for The Abyss). Notable for working closely with James Cameron, this was his only live action full length directorial effort.)

Writers – Chuck Pfarrer (creator: Dark Horse Comic Book series: “Virus” & screenplay) – (Known For: Darkman; Hard Target; Future BMT: Red Planet; Navy Seals; The Jackal; BMT: Barb Wire; Virus; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Barb Wire in 1997; Notes: He was a Navy SEAL, the details of which are written in his autobiography Warrior Soul.)

Dennis Feldman (screenplay) – (Known For: Just One of the Guys; Real Men; BMT: Species II; Virus; Species; The Golden Child; Notes: Brother of Randy Feldman who wrote Tango & Cash, and son of the producer Phil Feldman. Went to both Harvard and Yale.)

Actors – Jamie Lee Curtis – (Known For: Knives Out; Trading Places; True Lies; Halloween; Halloween; Escape from New York; My Girl; Freaky Friday; A Fish Called Wanda; The Fog; The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension; Terror Train; Forever Young; Veronica Mars; From Up on Poppy Hill; Prom Night; Halloween H20: 20 Years Later; Halloween III: Season of the Witch; Blue Steel; Beverly Hills Chihuahua; Future BMT: Halloween: Resurrection; My Girl 2; You Again; Drowning Mona; House Arrest; Halloween II; BMT: Virus; Christmas with the Kranks; Perfect; Notes: The original Scream Queen. The daughter of Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh, she is also married to Christopher Guest. She’s been nominated for a Primetime Emmy (Nicholas’ Gift) and won two Golden Globes (True Lies and Anything but Love).)

Donald Sutherland – (Known For: The Hunger Games; Pride & Prejudice; National Lampoon’s Animal House; The Hunger Games: Catching Fire; A Time to Kill; Ad Astra; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2; Horrible Bosses; The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1; M.A.S.H.; The Italian Job; Cold Mountain; JFK; Klute; Lord of War; Fallen; Backdraft; Outbreak; Deception; Ordinary People; Future BMT: Buffy the Vampire Slayer; The Art of War; Shadow Conspiracy; The Eagle; The Puppet Masters; Instinct; Catholic Boys; BMT: Virus; An American Haunting; Fool’s Gold; Lock Up; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor for Lock Up in 1990; Notes: Father of Kiefer Sutherland. Won an Emmy (Citizen X) and two Golden Globes (Citizen X and Path to War). Was awarded an honorary Oscar in 2018. Is set to feature in Roland Emmerich’s action film Moonfall.)

William Baldwin – (Known For: Forgetting Sarah Marshall; Backdraft; Born on the Fourth of July; Internal Affairs; The Squid and the Whale; Flatliners; Bulworth; Aftermath; Curdled; Maximum Impact; Three of Hearts; You Stupid Man; Adrift in Manhattan; The Broken Key; Noise; Park; Relative Values; Jock; Say Nothing; Dino Time; BMT: Virus; Sliver; Fair Game; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor for Sliver in 1994; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Fair Game in 1996; Notes: Incredible flex by us clearing out Billy’s qualifying films within a few weeks of each other. Both him and Stephen Baldwin were Calvin Klein models prior to pursuing acting.)

Budget/Gross – $75,000,000 / Domestic: $14,036,005 (Worldwide: $30,657,854)

(Disaster, but I don’t know what they would have thought it would be otherwise? It is based on an obscure Dark Horse comic … but they were expecting what? $150 million. Insane.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 12% (6/49): Despite its great special effects, this movie’s predictability greatly undermines its intensity.

(Oooo, I’m excited for some “good” effects from the late 90s. Reviewer Highlight: A derivative sci-fi shocker that isn’t likely to spark much interest beyond its target audience of undemanding genre fans. – Joe Leydon, Variety)

Poster – Alien Shock Wave v2.0

(I like the colors, the framing and really all the visuals. If I was walking in a theater the only thing that would stop me from being pretty excited for some dumb fun it Billy Baldwin’s face. Replace him with Gerard Butler and we’d be cooking with gas. It’s also pretty amazing that they put the giant robot face up there as if it’s a star of the film. B)

Tagline(s) – Life on earth is in for a shock. (B)

(I can’t tell if I love this or hate this. The fact that I laughed out loud when I read it is probably not a great sign for the actual quality of the tagline though. “In for a shock” seems a bit mild for how life on earth would react to an electricity-borne virus that creates killer robots. Beyond how funny it is it certainly is short, clever, and hints at the plot. So still gets an OK score. The tagline combined with the giant robot head makes for one of the more unintentionally funny posters I can remember..)

Keyword – virus

Top 10: The Matrix (1999), American Psycho (2000), Iron Man Three (2013), Logan (2017), The Maze Runner (2014), Dawn of the Dead (2004), I Am Legend (2007), Contagion (2011), Alien: Covenant (2017), Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw (2019)

Future BMT: 65.6 Pulse (2006), 54.8 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 50.1 Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016), 40.8 Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010), 39.4 The Forsaken (2001), 39.0 Jigsaw (2017), 36.1 The Invasion (2007), 35.0 The Relic (1997), 27.6 Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), 27.5 Inferno (2016);

BMT: The 5th Wave (2016), The Happening (2008), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Paycheck (2003), Dreamcatcher (2003), The Darkest Minds (2018), Species II (1998), Virus (1999)

(Huh … I guess you would argue ‘puters really went mainstream in ‘95 then. Kind of amazing just how much of an inflection that is. It was pretty much immediately from 0 to HACK THE PLANET! on that graph. Can’t wait to just smash all six of the Resident Evil films at some point.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 12) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Jamie Lee Curtis is No. 1 billed in Virus and No. 2 billed in Christmas with the Kranks, which also stars Tim Allen (No. 1 billed) who is in Jungle 2 Jungle (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 6 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 1 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 6 + 1 = 12. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Because of the ship being mothballed in the James River Reserve Fleet, on the border of Isle of Wight County and city of Newport News, the ship was covered in rust and disrepair when the filming started. For the movie, one side of the ship was painted and dressed up, leaving the other half in poor condition. Hence, only one side of the ship was ever filmed on camera for the movie.

The “Goliath” robot was approximately 9 ft tall and weighed an estimated 4000 lbs. The special effects company hired to create Goliath had only three-and-a-half months to produce the robot from the initial drawings to the finished product.

In an IGN.com interview, Jamie Lee Curtis said the following about Virus (1999): “Rob Reiner, for his 40th birthday, had a bad show business party where everybody brought show business clips. Rob’s was playing a hippie on Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964) singing ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’. Virus (1999) is so bad that it’s shocking. That would be the all time piece of shit. It’s just dreadful. That’s the only good reason to be in bad movies. Then when your friends have [bad] movies you can say ‘Ahhhh, I’ve got the best one. I’m bringing Virus (1999).'” (Incredible, but I highly doubt Virus is going to blow my mind in how bad it is)

Jamie Lee Curtis has admitted to hating this film, calling it “the worst movie ever made”. She added that she lobbied hard to have the director fired and replaced by Steve Miner, who she had made Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998) with. However, he wasn’t available, as he was working on Dawson’s Creek (1998)).

The lyrics of the Russian march heard during the end credits are actually the names of various cast and crew members pronounced backward.

John Bruno was about to start work on the visual effects for Titanic (1997) when the offer came through to direct his first feature.

In 1999, prolific French video game developer Cryo (also known as Cryo Interactive Entertainment) released on PlayStation “Virus: It is Aware”, their action/horror third person shooter tie-in video game that was very loosely based on this movie. The game immediately fell into obscurity. (Oh did it, because I think I’m playing it this weekend …)

Originally set for a Summer 1998 release, the film’s release was eventually pushed to January of 1999.

Chuck Pfarrer explained in an interview that the comic book was based on the script that he wrote in the early-’90s. Because of the special effects that the script called for, it was impossible to make the script into a movie at that time, and he handed it to Dark Horse Comics who published it in 1995. Several years later, when special effects technology had caught up, Pfarrer revised the original script. (Oh interesting, I wonder if I can get my hands on a copy of the comic)

In the beginning when the Captain (Donald Sutherland) is aiming a pistol at Baldwin he is holding a British Webley .455 caliber. It was the standard sidearm of the British army from 1897-1963.

Director John Bruno is a visual effects artist known for his frequent collaborations with director James Cameron.

Red Sonja Preview

“How… how are we talking to you?” Rich asks the small squirrel that has appeared in front of them. “Destiny,” it whispers in importance, dancing excitedly on its tiny feet, “it is foretold in the ancient scroll. Come.” Its eyes are shining and it hurries off, occasionally turning back and beckoning them forth. Rich and Poe shrug their shoulders. What’s one more adventure? Besides, Nic Cage needs saving and this, however bizarre, is their best lead. Upon arriving at the squirrel’s tree they see that word has already spread, for hundreds of squirrels are there chattering amongst themselves. A gray, wizened squirrel waddles up with a little tiny knobbly cane and it’s all very sweet and Rich and Poe both think it’s very cute. “It has been foretold,” the old squirrel wheezes, “in the ancient scroll,” it continues pulling out the cutest, tiniest scroll and unrolling it. Thank god they don’t have to read it themselves because it’s so little and tiny and they’d need tiny cute glasses to read it, which the old squirrel has. He clears his throat and reads, “It is foretold in this ancient scroll that there will come a time where the great one will fall ill and a pair of twins will arrive to seek out the cure. The Great Nut that will be broken and through its shattering will clear the bowels of humanity.” The bad movie twins frown. “And with a mighty expulsion of putrid air and waste, which is foretold in this scroll, the world will be empty and the movement satisfactory.” The old squirrel hacks and coughs with the effort of speaking and really this whole thing is a little less cute once it’s all laid out like that. Recovering, it squeaks out a final, “Destiny,” before waving them away. That’s right! We’re watching the Conan the Barbarian adjacent sword and sandals film Red Sonja starring a new-on-the-scene Brigitte Nielsen and Arnold (but not playing Conan for some reason). Let’s see if 35 years have aged this fantasy action film into a fine wine. Let’s go!

Red Sonja (1985) – BMeTric: 60.0; Notability: 33 

(Surprisingly low. I guess I’m not surprised it has been rising with the number of votes though. I feel like these cheesy 80s properties are ripe for cult status. Very high notability given though considering it looks like garbage.)

Leonard Maltin – 1.5 stars –  Spectacularly silly sword-and-sorcery saga with female lead, based on pulp writings of Robert E. Howard (of Conan fame). Might amuse juvenile viewers, but only point of interest for adults is deciding who gives the worse performance, Nielsen or villainess Bergman. Schwarzenegger has a brief guest spot.

(I don’t think Arnold’s guest sport is all that brief. I think he’s in like half the film. This feels like a review that was written much closer to the time of the film’s release. Somewhat interesting that he gave the same score to Conan the Destroyer, which was a genuinely terrible film from what I can recall.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUHsZEo4I24/

(They basically go all out on “THIS IS A CONAN FILM” … but he’s Lord Kalidor don’t worry about it. Man they really don’t make films like this anymore. It is basically a pulp novel come to life!)

Directors – Richard Fleischer – (Known For: Soylent Green; Tora! Tora! Tora!; 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea; Fantastic Voyage; The Vikings; 10 Rillington Place; Compulsion; Mr. Majestyk; The Boston Strangler; Barabbas; See No Evil; The Last Run; The Narrow Margin; Violent Saturday; Future BMT: Amityville 3-D; The Jazz Singer; Doctor Dolittle; Mandingo; Million Dollar Mystery; The Incredible Sarah; BMT: Red Sonja; Conan the Destroyer; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Director for The Jazz Singer in 1981; Notes: )

Writers – Robert E. Howard (based on the character created by) – (Known For: Conan the Barbarian; Solomon Kane; Future BMT: Kull the Conqueror; BMT: Conan the Barbarian; Red Sonja; Conan the Destroyer; Notes: Sadly killed himself on the night his mother died when he was 30 years old. Was friends with H. P. Lovecraft and one of the Lovecraft Circle.)

Clive Exton (written by) – (Known For: 10 Rillington Place; Isadora; Future BMT: The Awakening; BMT: Red Sonja; Notes: His last major motion picture. He wrote 21 episodes of Poirot, which is great and I highly recommend.)

George MacDonald Fraser (written by) – (Known For: Octopussy; The Three Musketeers; The Four Musketeers; The Return of the Musketeers; BMT: Red Sonja; Notes: Created Harry Flashman, the bully of Tom Brown’s School Days. The character appeared in the film Royal Flash starring Malcolm McDowell.)

Roy Thomas (comic book) (uncredited) – (Known For: Logan; Fire and Ice; BMT: Red Sonja; Conan the Destroyer; Notes: Wrote for a bunch of comic companies, but probably most notably Marvel. Credited on Morbius, and Captain Marvel among many others because of that. Wrote three sword and sorcery films in 1983, 1984, and 1985.)

Barry Windsor-Smith (comic book) (uncredited) – (BMT: Red Sonja; Notes: Notably wrote on the Weapon X storyline for Marvel comics in addition to the Conan the Barbarian comics.)

Actors – Arnold Schwarzenegger – (Known For: Terminator: Dark Fate; Terminator 2: Judgment Day; The Terminator; Total Recall; Commando; Predator; Dave; True Lies; Kindergarten Cop; Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; Conan the Barbarian; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Escape Plan; The Running Man; Twins; Welcome to the Jungle; The Last Stand; The 6th Day; Maggie; Future BMT: Hercules in New York; Junior; Collateral Damage; Jingle All The Way; End of Days; Cactus Jack; The Iron Mask; Eraser; Terminator Genisys; Last Action Hero; The Kid & I; BMT: Batman & Robin; Red Sonja; Raw Deal; Sabotage; Around the World in 80 Days; Conan the Destroyer; The Expendables 3; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor in 1983 for Conan the Barbarian; in 1994 for Last Action Hero; in 2000 for End of Days; and in 2001 for The 6th Day; Nominee for Worst Supporting Actor in 1998 for Batman & Robin; in 2001 for The 6th Day; in 2005 for Around the World in 80 Days; and in 2015 for The Expendables 3; and Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for The 6th Day in 2001; Notes: A little odd he gets top billing in the film. Anyhoo, he just had heart surgery, but is in recovery and feeling “fantastic”. Arnold is the best.)

Brigitte Nielsen – (Known For: Creed II; Beverly Hills Cop II; Future BMT: Rocky IV; BMT: Red Sonja; Cobra; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Supporting Actress, and Worst New Star for Rocky IV in 1986; Winner for Worst New Star for Red Sonja in 1986; and Nominee for Worst Actress in 1986 for Red Sonja; in 1987 for Cobra; and in 1990 for Bye Bye Baby; Notes: Famously was engaged to Sly Stallone during Rocky IV and then married soon after. She’s famously 6’1’’ which is part of the reason they approached her for this film.)

Sandahl Bergman – (Known For: Conan the Barbarian; All That Jazz; Airplane II: The Sequel; Hell Comes to Frogtown; Future BMT: Xanadu; The Singing Detective; Mame; BMT: Red Sonja; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Supporting Actress for Red Sonja in 1986; Notes: Oddly, much like Arnold, she played two different characters in this and the original Conan the Barbarian. Apparently she was originally asked to play Sonja … I wonder with Arnold and her in the two leading roles whether they would have more explicitly suggested they were Conan and Valerie.)

Budget/Gross – $17.9 million / Domestic: $6,948,633 (Worldwide: $6,951,415)

(Yeah that’s a disaster. I’m not sure I believe the nearly $20 million budget though, but perhaps that explains why they pumped the brakes on King Conan, the third film that was eventually turned into Kull the Conqueror … oh yeah I forgot we have a final Conan film to watch!)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (4/26): Dull, poorly directed, and badly miscast, Red Sonja is an uninspired conclusion to Schwarzenegger’s barbarian trilogy.

(Most reviews appear to lament how miscast Nielsen is, and how if she were the least bit charming or funny the film would end up being a light romp. Instead it is a deathly serious disaster. Reviewer Highlight: Red Sonja returns to those olden days when women were women and the menfolk stood around with funny hats on until called forth to be whacked at. – Variety)

Poster – Red Skloga

(Yes. … … oh you want more? This fits a mold that makes my brain happy and I wish I could go back in time, ask for a large poster for my room, and hang it there because it’s cool. It feels like the cover of a book I’d read and it would be kinda terrible but also I’d like reading it. So I don’t even think I can give an unbiased opinion on this so I’ll rate it J. Stands for “Jamie likes this.”)

Tagline(s) – A woman and a warrior that became a legend. (C-)

(Bringing me down to Earth. I can judge this without bias and I don’t like it because it’s bad. It’s too long and doesn’t flow. It isn’t clever and is kinda vague.)

Keyword – sword and sorcery

Top 10: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), Troy (2004), Dune (1984), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), The Princess Bride (1987), The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), 300 (2006), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), Stardust (2007)

Future BMT: 65.9 Highlander: Endgame (2000), 53.2 The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990), 50.6 Your Highness (2011), 49.7 The Last Legion (2007), 46.9 Kull the Conqueror (1997), 45.3 A Kid in King Arthur’s Court (1995), 44.4 Wrath of the Titans (2012), 42.9 Hercules (1983), 41.2 Clash of the Titans (2010), 34.4 Il mondo di Yor (1983);

BMT: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), Hellboy (2019), Warcraft: The Beginning (2016), The Last Airbender (2010), Conan the Barbarian (2011), Masters of the Universe (1987), Seventh Son (2014), The 13th Warrior (1999), Eragon (2006), Conan the Destroyer (1984), Red Sonja (1985), Season of the Witch (2011), Dungeons & Dragons (2000), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Highlander III: The Sorcerer (1994)

(I mean … I wouldn’t count the Harry Potter films personally. But certainly the genre had a moment with Lord of the Rings in the early 00s. And now they are having a big moment on television with Game of Thrones and now the upcoming Wheel of Time (which I hope is good), a reboot of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, and things like The Witcher. NeverEnding Story II is a wild one from the BMT list.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 13) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Arnold Schwarzenegger is No. 1 billed in Red Sonja and No. 4 billed in Expendables 3, which also stars Jason Statham (No. 2 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 1 + 4 + 2 + 1 + 4 + 1 = 13. If we were to watch The Glass House we can get the HoE Number down to 12.

Notes – Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character was originally intended to be a reprisal of Conan, star of the comic book in which Red Sonja first appeared, but the film did not have the rights to this name. An unofficial explanation endorsed by fans is that Kalidor is one of Conan’s “traveling names,” a common feature of multi-national mythical/legendary heroes such as Zeus (a.k.a. Jupiter) and J.R.R. Tolkien’s Gandalf (a.k.a. Mithrandir). (Oh, I just thought they were trying to get that Conan sheen while not having to deal with it being a Conan movie explicitly. Weird they didn’t have the rights)

Arnold Schwarzenegger eschews this movie as one of his worst, yet he (laughingly) claims that it’s an excellent disciplinary tool for his children. “I tell them, if they get on my bad side, they’ll be forced to watch Red Sonja (1985) ten times in a row. It must be working, because none of my kids has ever given me much trouble.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed up for a glorified cameo, as a favor to producer Dino De Laurentiis. Much to his surprise, he was on the set for four weeks, three weeks longer than expected. He discovered after watching a rough cut of the movie that his role had been expanded to co-star, thanks to crafty angles and multiple cameras. Soon after, Schwarzenegger decided to terminate his 10-year contract with De Laurentiss. (Ha! See I knew the Maltin note was kind of wrong. He’s in like half the movie.)

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Brigitte Nielsen had an affair during filming. (Future wife of Sly … I wonder if there is any bad blood about that stuff)

Sigourney Weaver was considered for Red Sonja. (That would have been amazing)

It is commonly believed that Robert E. Howard created the character of Red Sonja in one of his Conan short stories. He actually created Red Sonya, who appeared in “Shadow of the Vulture,” a story set in 16th-century Turkey with no Conan connections. She was the namesake of the famous “Red Sonja” who first appeared in a Conan comic book written by Roy Thomas and illustrated by Barry Windsor-Smith.

A remake was announced in 2009, with Robert Rodriguez directing and Rose McGowan to star as Red Sonja. When Conan the Barbarian (2011) failed at the box office, Rodriguez and McGowan backed out of the project. As of 2015, the remake is in development hell. (… but Rose McGowan was the bad guy in the 2011 Conan film … I don’t get it)

Sandahl Bergman was initially cast as the title character. She decided to portray Queen Gedren to help avoid typecasting. (Poor decision, would have been cooler with the Conan connection there)

It took Dino De Laurentiis almost a year to find an actress “Amazonian” enough to play the title character. Eight weeks before production was set to begin, he saw Brigitte Nielsen on the cover of a fashion magazine. The 21-year-old native of Helsingør, Denmark, in Milan for a modeling job, soon found herself on a plane heading for Rome and a successful screen test.

On a 2015 episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, soap opera actress Eileen Davidson revealed that she auditioned for the role and was actually runner-up to Brigitte Nielsen.

Awards – Winner for the Razzie Award for Worst New Star (Brigitte Nielsen, 1986)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Brigitte Nielsen, 1986)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Sandahl Bergman, 1986)

Whiteout Preview

As the monsters descend to the beautiful (not creepy) lagoon it becomes clear that they are gigantic super soldiers from General Tiniman’s army. They are outgunned and outmatched and this is where their journey will end. They hug Rio and pat Bessy on the head. They reminisce about all the fun times they had. “Remember that time we karate chopped the President in the neck?” Rich says, “and it turned out he wasn’t even a robot,” he recalls and oh boy how they laugh. Back in the real world Rich has a wife and six wonderful children. Poe has a very solid collection of old books. But most importantly they have love. Rich and Poe nod and go in for one final Predator high five. But this isn’t a time for high fives. This is a time for hugs. With tears in their eyes, they bro hug it out. Suddenly Poe is blasted away from Rich as the beam of light shoots forth once more from his chest. Screaming in pain from the quickening he is experiencing, Rich watches in joyful horror as it destroys all the foes in front of them. No matter how advanced their super armor is, the power of love emanating from Rich’s chest destroys it. The power is so great… unstoppable. Almost as if… and in that moment Rich realizes what is happening. A chill runs down his spine. So long ago, when they destroyed the Obsidian Dongle. When they made the universe whole once more. It was never destroyed. It lay in wait, embedded in the body of Rich. It brought them to Nic Cage. It brought them to this tournament. It is the ultimate prize. They are the ultimate prize. They are fighting for themselves. And with that thought everything goes white. That’s right! We’re watching Whiteout starring Kate Beckinsale. I feel like this has always been on the horizon as there is always room for another Antarctica film in BMT. This one won’t beat out AvP and its bullshit Predator-Human collaboration, but it’ll give it a shot. Let’s go!

One man takes out several guards with his bionic karate chops while the other does a patented Robot Split and takes out several more. Their prize is so close… their revenge. “Eagle has fallen, eagle has fallen!” one of the guards screams watching in horror as the men approach. They smile and then everything goes black. That’s right! We’re bringing along Black Eagle as a friend for this one. It’s a classic martial arts film from the 80’s which also features Van Damme as a bad guy and is set in Malta! What fun. Let’s go!

Whiteout (2009) – BMeTric: 47.0; Notability: 29 

(Pretty low actually. I’m always surprised when these smallish films, films I kind of barely remember existing, seem to get pretty thoroughly trounced on IMDb. I just imagine in my mind that there would be super fans of some kind flooding the ratings … but nope, hit mid-5.0 hard and hasn’t budged in years.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Good-looking but paper-thin thriller involving U.S. marshal Beckinsale, stationed in Antarctica, who struggles to exorcise her demons while investigating some gruesome killings. Even though her character is constantly in danger, Beckinsale is always perfectly coiffed; early on, she even peels off her clothes to take a steamy shower. Only in the movies … Based on a graphic novel by Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber.

(Only in the movies indeed! Very interesting he gave it what I would say is a pretty decent review? Like two stars doesn’t seem so bad. Maybe there is something salvageable from it after all.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqxjF9qR5Cg/

(Pretty intense actually. Honestly the CGI looks like garbage, and it looks like a rote thriller, but the setting is interesting.)

Directors – Dominic Sena – (Known For: Kalifornia; BMT: Season of the Witch; Whiteout; Gone in Sixty Seconds; Swordfish; Notes: Won a Grammy for Best Music Video (Long Form) for the Janet Jackson song Rhythm Nation 1814. We have officially completed his BMT filmography, and I think he retired from directing in 2011.)

Writers – Erich Hoeber and Jon Hoeber (screenplay) – (Known For: The Meg; My Spy; RED; RED 2; BMT: Whiteout; Battleship; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screenplay for Battleship in 2013; Notes: They are writing a live-action Naruto film (not a good idea). They are also tagged to write the sequel to The Meg. They are brothers.)

Chad Hayes and Carey W. Hayes(screenplay) – (Known For: The Conjuring; The Conjuring 2; Future BMT: House of Wax; The Turning; The Reaping; The Crucifixion; BMT: Whiteout; Notes: Twin brothers. Amazingly they wrote ten episodes of Baywatch Nights, the straight crime-drama spin off of Baywatch. They have been tapped to write the Die Hard prequel McClane. They were non-theatrical all-stars in the late-90s, and somehow transitioned back to wide releases in the 2000s.)

Greg Rucka (graphic novel) – (Known For: Wonder Woman: Bloodlines; BMT: Whiteout; Notes: Wrote Stumptown which has been adapted into a television show starring Colby Smulders. His graphic novel Queen & Country is being adapted into a film by Ridley Scott.)

Steve Lieber (graphic novel) – (BMT: Whiteout; Notes: An illustrator. He also illustrated the sequel novel Whiteout: Melt. There was supposed to be a Whiteout: Thaw, but I don’t believe it was ever released.)

Actors – Kate Beckinsale – (Known For: The Aviator; Contraband; Much Ado About Nothing; Serendipity; Eliza Graves; Vacancy; Love & Friendship; Laurel Canyon; Farming; Everybody’s Fine; The Last Days of Disco; Haunted; Snow Angels; Fragments; The Golden Bowl; Shooting Fish; Future BMT: The Disappointments Room; The Face of an Angel; Underworld: Blood Wars; Absolutely Anything; Van Helsing; Pearl Harbor; Total Recall; Click; Underworld Awakening; The Only Living Boy in New York; Underworld: Rise of the Lycans; Brokedown Palace; Underworld: Evolution; Underworld; BMT: Whiteout; Tiptoes; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Screen Couple for Pearl Harbor in 2002; Notes: Voiced Queen Aryenn in multiple Elder Scrolls games. Had a child with Michael Sheen in 1999.)

Gabriel Macht – (Known For: Love & Other Drugs; The Good Shepherd; The Recruit; The Object of My Affection; A Love Song for Bobby Long; Grand Theft Parsons; The Adventures of Sebastian Cole; A Bag of Hammers; Future BMT: The Spirit; Simply Irresistible; Bad Company; Middle Men; BMT: Whiteout; Because I Said So; American Outlaws; Behind Enemy Lines; Notes: Most famous for his role as Harvey Specter in the show Suits. This film came out right in that brief moment where he was a genuine movie star.)

Tom Skerritt – (Known For: Top Gun; Alien; Steel Magnolias; Ted; Contact; The Dead Zone; A River Runs Through It; M.A.S.H.; Up in Smoke; Harold and Maude; SpaceCamp; Singles; Lucky; A Hologram for the King; Big Bad Mama; Smoke Signals; The Turning Point; At Middleton; Ice Castles; The Big Town; Future BMT: Poltergeist III; Poison Ivy; The Rookie; The Devil’s Rain; Beer for My Horses; Knight Moves; Tears of the Sun; The Other Sister; Fighting Back; BMT: Whiteout; Texas Rangers; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for his role in Picket Fences. This film is his last leading role in a wide release film.)

Budget/Gross – $35,000,000 / Domestic: $10,275,638 (Worldwide: $17,976,667)

(Yeah not great. The budget at least makes sense. They definitely had to build something that looked vaguely like the South Pole station. There is only so much smoke and mirrors you can pull off with blue screen and stagecraft.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 7% (8/115): Kate Beckinsale is as lovely as ever, and does her best with the material, but moribund pacing and an uninspired plot leave Whiteout in the cold.

(The reviews kind of outline the problem with most 00s thrillers don’t they? Bad plotting, bad twists, no thrillz. It seems like there was a streak of weird thrillers based around a poorly thought out twist, or just a book (in this case a graphic novel) which doesn’t adapt well. That was the issue with the (frankly cheesy) Alex Cross books. Reviewer Highlight: Even in a whiteout, you can see the plot twists coming. – Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times)

Poster – Chillz

(Artistic and does its job pretty well. While I don’t understand the font they’ve chosen, I still appreciate it. I guess the only question is whether going all in on “Kate Beckinsale vehicle” was the best move or if they should have highlighted something else. Because that’s really the only story you get. B+)

Tagline(s) – See Your Last Breath. (A-)

(Huh… I think… I think I might like this. Telling me about the danger. Telling me about the cold. Short and sweet and a little bit of a twist on the phrase “Take Your Last Breath.” I dig it. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty solid.)

Keyword – antarctica

Top 10: Watchmen (2009), Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019), The Thing (1982), Madagascar (2005), The Day After Tomorrow (2004), The Thing (2011), AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004), Happy Feet (2006), Good Luck Chuck (2007), Minions (2015)

Future BMT: 64.7 Norm of the North (2016), 42.3 The Brothers Solomon (2007), 27.2 The Thing (2011), 25.6 The Pebble and the Penguin (1995);

BMT: AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004), Good Luck Chuck (2007), Whiteout (2009)

(Amazing that we’ve seen three films either set in Antarctica or with plot elements concerning Antarctica. I genuinely believe such films boomed in the 00s because that was when juuuuust enough cheap CGI was available to make it look … fine, without having to set it inside or at night most of the time. Oddly, the only really good movie of the bunch is The Thing and that was made long before cheap CGI. Huh.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 17) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Kate Beckinsale is No. 1 billed in Whiteout and No. 4 billed in Tiptoes, which also stars Gary Oldman (No. 1 billed) who is in Lost in Space (No. 1 billed), which also stars Heather Graham (No. 5 billed) who is in Say It Isn’t So (No. 2 billed), which also stars Chris Klein (No. 1 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 2 billed) => 1 + 4 + 1 + 1 + 5 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 17. If we were to watch Pearl Harbor we can get the HoE Number down to 9.

Notes – Dominic Sena is a fan of the “Whiteout” graphic novel, and when rights were acquired by Dark Castle Entertainment Sena petitioned president Joel Silver for the opportunity to direct. (Oh snap, this is based on a graphic novel? That’s … a bit surprising considering the reviews)

Warner Bros. shelved the film for about two years, according to Entertainment Weekly (Issue #1085). (Whaaaaaaaaaaa?)

Screenwriter and novelist Alexander Stuart wrote an early draft of the script, while Reese Witherspoon was still attached, following a studio-sponsored research trip to Barrow, Alaska (the northernmost point in continental North America) – which scientists said was the closest location in “feel” to McMurdo Station in Antarctica. (Could have been cool)

The British Flag in the Communications room is hanging upside down. This is an inside joke common among South Pole installations. Since they are at the bottom of the world, if you were to look at the globe proper, the flag would appear to be right side up.

Both real and fake snow were used in production. (There was too much of it at times for it to be fake I think. I have to imagine they breathed in a crazy amount of it by accident)

Bloodshot Preview

Having trailed her through the hallways of the school, Rich looks on curiously as Adrestia attempts to pick the lock to the principal’s office. *Ahem* he coughs and she whirls, locked and loaded and ready for a fight. Seeing who it is, though, she lifts a finger to quiet him and nods towards the now open door. Once inside the office she sticks her hand out, “I guess we can drop the ruse. Det. Adrestia at your service.” Rich is confused. “I’ve been working undercover here for the last year,” she explains, “trying to track down a rogue cop deemed the Four-Finger Fellow cause he always takes the pinkie fingers of his victims as souvenirs.” “Gross,” thinks Rich, but he’s also curious. Could Halloway be this rogue cop? Or maybe Adrestia is lying like a big ol’ liar. Only one way to find out. “Let’s join forces for justice,” he says, mustering all his natural charisma and charm. She hesitates. Rich without Poe is one cop short of an action-packed team. But two heads are better than one and she finally relents, “but only because I’ve yet to figure out where to find the final piece to the puzzle… The Devil’s Key.” Rich gasps. “But that’s only a legend,” he whispers shakily. But Adrestia shakes her head. It’s real. A device capable of revealing all the undercover cops in the world, corrupt or otherwise. “With such power comes great responsibility,” warns Rich, coining a wholly original phrase. But Adrestia insists it’s the only way to find the information she needs. Rich nods, knowing that if it comes to it he’ll have to destroy the key or take down Adrestia trying. Suddenly a red dot sight appears on Rich’s chest and Adrestia’s eyes widen in horror. That’s right! We’re doing it. The shelter in place BMT Live! Given where the film’s reviews landed we were primed and ready to watch Bloodshot in theaters for BMT. But then the virus hit and we sadly thought our chance was gone. Wrong! That’s because they released this mofo streaming. Ready or not, Vinny D, cause here we come. Let’s go!

Bloodshot (2020) – BMeTric: 30.3; Notability: 24 

BloodshotIMDb_BMeT

BloodshotIMDb_RV

(That’s a fun graph. It was only in theaters for about a week. And then in a day or two of online release it managed to double the vote count. I would actually guess that you could estimate the total online gross pretty well by just tracking that graph and doing a little back of the envelope calculation. The Notability is very small, which makes a bit of sense when you look at the budget. Notability probably scales pretty well with budget.)

RogerEbert.com – 1.5 stars – Vin Diesel fans who can’t wait for the next installment of the “Fast and Furious” macho soap opera series can get their fix at “Bloodshot,” a comic book adaptation that’s as big a stickler about “family” yet far less satisfying than even the worst films of the “Fast” franchise. The family in question here is the wife of Ray Garrison (Diesel), who is put in danger by her spouse’s mercenary soldiering. Now, if you want to walk into director Dave Wilson’s sci-fi actioner as blindly as I did, exit this review now. If you desire a hint of what you’re in for, let me leave you with a few phrases you would have encountered had you stuck around: “Universal Soldier,” “robotic cucarachas,” “needle drop abuse of the Talking Heads” and “blatant rip-off.”

(Oooooooo spoiler alerts in the review. Yes please. I don’t really go for spoiler warnings usually, but you know what? I don’t know anything about this movie so I’m going to give going in blind a shot.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F95Fk255I4M/

(Ah I get it … it actually is a superhero movie. The bad guy looks like a cross between Doc Ock and Vulture from Spiderman basically. So … that’s going to be terrible. I can’t wait.)

Directors – Dave Wilson – (BMT: Bloodshot; Notes: A video game trailer director! That’s amazing. He probably got this film partially based on his Love, Death & Robots (produced by David Fincher) short film.)

Writers – Jeff Wadlow (screenplay by & story by) – (Future BMT: Prey; Fantasy Island; Cry Wolf; True Memoirs of an International Assassin; Kick-Ass 2; BMT: Truth or Dare; Bloodshot; Notes: Nephew of Katie Couric, who interviewed him on Today at one point. Has produced a few television shows such as The Strain.)

Eric Heisserer (screenplay by) – (Known For: Bird Box; Arrival; Lights Out; Final Destination 5; Hours; Future BMT: A Nightmare on Elm Street; Extinction; The Thing; BMT: Bloodshot; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Arrival. Married to Christine Boylan who is herself an accomplished television writer and producer of things like The Punisher.)

Kevin VanHook, Bob Layton, and Don Perlin (comic book) – (BMT: Bloodshot; Notes: Mostly just comic book writers, although VanHook is a prolific visual effects artist on things like The Marine 5!)

Actors – Vin Diesel – (Known For: Avengers: Endgame; Guardians of the Galaxy; Avengers: Infinity War; Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2; Saving Private Ryan; Fast & Furious 8; Fast & Furious 7; xXx: Return of Xander Cage; Furious 6; Ralph Breaks the Internet; Fast & Furious 5; Pitch Black; Riddick; Awakenings; xXx; The Iron Giant; Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk; Boiler Room; Find Me Guilty; Future BMT: A Man Apart; Knockaround Guys; The Chronicles of Riddick; BMT: Babylon A.D.; The Pacifier; The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift; The Last Witch Hunter; Bloodshot; Fast & Furious; The Fast and the Furious; Razzie Notes: Nominee for Worst Actor for The Chronicles of Riddick in 2005; Notes: Allegedly Steven Spielberg said that if Diesel didn’t direct another movie it would be “crime against cinema”.)

Eiza González – (Known For: Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw; Alita: Battle Angel; Baby Driver; Paradise Hills; She’s Missing; Future BMT: Jem and the Holograms; Welcome to Marwen; BMT: Bloodshot; Notes: Born in Mexico. Started in the telenovelas Lola: Érase una vez abd Sueña conmigo.)

Sam Heughan – (Known For: The Spy Who Dumped Me; BMT: Bloodshot; Notes: Scottish, he’s one of the stars of the show Outlander.)

Budget/Gross – $45,000,000 / Domestic: $10,021,787 (Worldwide: $28,428,855)

(This is going to look a little odd since it only managed to get out to theaters for a short run. It was probably going to mostly be unsuccessful regardless, but the low budget of $45 million probably means it’ll ultimately be a wash for the most part.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 30% (39/132): Bloodshot gives Vin Diesel a solid opportunity to indulge in old-school action that should satisfy fans, even if the end result is disappointingly mediocre.

(Oooof. As a not-huge fan of Diesel, whose acting often leaves a lot to be desired, that isn’t too promising. Sounds like Vin Diesel: The Movie (again … for like the fifth time). Reviewer Highlight: By the time our man/machine finds himself in the time-honored pickle of dangling by one hand from a ledge 50 stories above the ground, Bloodshot has already given us an action movie hangover. – Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times)

Poster – BloodSklog (B+)

bloodshot

(Gotta be honest, despite kinda looking lame I also kinda dig this poster. Nice strong red color, font has a bit of flair with the classic Bloodshot symbol incorporated, and it’s doing its job… of telling you that Vin Diesel is in the film. Patrick’s Shallow Fake: I think this is probably the best one I’ve done yet, and it only took like an hour and a half. I am preeeeeetty impressed with myself.)

Tagline(s) – You Don’t Need a Past to Have a Future (B-)

(This has merits, but it’s a bit too bland and generic. It really could be the tagline for any number of films with heroes with dark pasts… I mean, even something like, say, The Glimmer Man. But it’s still got flow and it’s mildly clever. Just generic.)

Keyword – super strength

Bloodshot_super strength

Top 10: Bloodshot (2020), Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw (2019), Avengers: Endgame (2019), Terminator: Dark Fate (2019), Black Panther (2018), Alita: Battle Angel (2019), The Dark Knight Rises (2012), Captain Marvel (2019), Watchmen (2009), Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

Future BMT: 71.1 The Spirit (2008), 70.5 Zoom (2006), 68.7 Supergirl (1984), 65.0 Max Steel (2016), 61.0 Cursed (2005), 57.9 Supernova (2000), 55.7 An American Werewolf in Paris (1997), 54.8 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 51.7 You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008), 51.1 Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010);

BMT: Bloodshot (2020), X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019), Hellboy (2019), Sucker Punch (2011), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Predator (2018), Gods of Egypt (2016), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), Universal Soldier (1992), Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997), Hitman: Agent 47 (2015), Soldier (1998), Dracula 2001 (2000), The Legend of Hercules (2014), Alone in the Dark (2005), Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)

(Honestly the only one of those I’m looking forward to is Supergirl which is a classic bad movie. That dip in the 2000s is quite interesting. It seems plausibly like an oversight as that was right when things like Spider-man 2 was coming out. Could also just be that some comic book films (like Batman) don’t qualify and the gritty “real” ones became popular for a split second before Marvel broke everything wide open. Both seem realistic.)

Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 15) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Vin Diesel is No. 1 billed in Bloodshot and No. 1 billed in Babylon A. D., which also stars Michelle Yeoh (No. 2 billed) who is in Mechanic: Resurrection (No. 4 billed), which also stars Jason Statham (No. 1 billed) who is in In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale (No. 1 billed), which also stars Leelee Sobieski (No. 4 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 1 billed) => 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 + 1 + 1 + 4 + 1 = 15. There is no shorter path at the moment.

Notes – Bloodshot is one of the most popular characters in the 80 million comics selling Valiant Universe. Bloodshot has sold over 7 million comics in all languages. Bloodshot #1 was a much anticipated comic that became a best selling issue and has gone on to sell approximately 1 million copies. Bloodshot #1 was awarded “Best Comic” by Diamond Distributors (the American comics industry’s leading distributor) and “Best Innovation” for its chromium cover (the first of its kind). (So its got that comics cred, got it)

First film based on Valiant Comics. (Oh wow, I wouldn’t have guessed that actually, but it makes sense. I would have thoughts there would have been some trash made in the late 2000s)

Just like other films released around the same time as this one, Bloodshot suffered a bad opening weekend at the box office due to the global pandemic, the coronavirus. Though the opening was never projected to be large, it is said it still suffered millions in losses both domestically and especially worldwide. (Oh yeah, I forgot about COVID-19 …)

This is the second comic-book role for Vin Diesel (after playing Groot in the Marvel Cinematic Universe), Guy Pearce (after Iron Man Three (2013)), Eiza González (after Alita: Battle Angel (2019)), Sam Heughan (after Lego DC Super-Villains (2018)), and Talulah Riley (after Thor: The Dark World (2013)). (Yeah, turns out a lot of people do comic book movies now)

Vin Diesel and Eliza Gonzalez have both appeared in films from “The Fast and the Furious” franchise. Diesel starred in 8 films and Gonzalez appeared in the 2019 spin-off “Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw”. (Whaaaa that’s pretty funny)

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties Preview

Jamie awakens to find himself hanging by his feet in the rafters of the old mansion. “I know it’s a shock being a vampire and all,” says a voice. Turning to his side Jamie sees a young vampire smiling back at him. “But don’t worry. The name’s Odin and I’ll help you learn all the coolz vampire rulez at Dracula School.”  Jamie does love rules, but he also knows that the librarian could be back at any moment to squeeze his twinzo powers out of him. “I’ll pass bro,” he says, pausing momentarily to turn his hat backwards, “I gotta find my brother, Patrick.” “Well maybe I can help you,” Odin replies, “you see we’re both Larbagios, those are vampires made by other vampires. We are mortal enemies of Hedgermias, those are vampires who made themselves vampires. There are also Royeldrums, those are vampires that were always vampires. We all fight and can never love unless bound by the Oaths of Keldronia, for otherwise our blood lust will overtake us and we will become Hedgermias. Thus we must be pure and remember that the flesh is sacred…” Rolling his eyes Jamie interjects, “Wish I could stay but look at the time…” As he turns to leave Odin suddenly transforms before his eyes into a large dog. “I didn’t get to the useful part yet,” the large dog says, “Larbagios can also transform into animals.” Oooo, that is helpful. With such a power Jamie will be able to sneak right by that librarian and start figuring out where Patrick is. Concentrating real hard he feel himself transform. Looking down he sees a mass of orange hair and black stripes. Great, a big ol’ fat orange cat. Not super inconspicuous, but it’ll have to do. That’s right! We’re (finally) watching Garfield and Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.

Patrick is mesmerized by the terrible teenage witch rap dance, unaware of time slipping away from him. Days pass, his lips cracked with dehydration, his mind lost in the glorious inanity he is viewing, his body dying. All of a sudden the door explodes, splinters showering Patrick and awakening him from his daze, bullets zip and crack, raining down on all manner of teenage witch and wizard. “LAPD! You have the right to remain dead,” a grizzled officer growls. Another officer, dressed in overalls with no shirt, shakes his head, “Gosh dern it Sticks, this was supposed to be an easy in and out job, just grab the kid and let’s get outta here!” The grizzled officer grabs Patrick roughly. “You’re welcome punk, Stones and I just saved your mind.” They drag Patrick through the front door and … onto another set? This one is dressed up as an alleyway. They drop Patrick into a pile of garbage, Sticks and Stones look at each other and nod, “Light’er up” says Stones. As they gleefully firebomb the witch’s house set, black doll eyes gleaming, Patrick’s mind begins to clear. Just then an alley cat walks by. “You don’t belong here” the cat says with a wink, and walks off. Wait … A talking cat!?! What is this place? That’s right! We’re also watching A Talking Cat!?!!

We move forward in the Bring A Friend cycle to watch two films that involve talking cats. That’s because Garfield is in fact a talking cat!?! We used to avoid films like Garfield (and the BONUS Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties) thinking they were “just for kids” and not worth our time. We eventually realized that that was patronizing and decided to give them a chance… and they turned out to mostly be not worth our time. But sometimes they can be fun. Here’s to hoping! As for A Talking Cat!?! It’s is a film!?! The verdict is still out. It certainly exists and it will play in front of our eyeballs, but it’s hard to say how or why this film(!?!) has become something of a cult classic. Even leading to a podcast A Talking Cast!?! Which broke down the film minute-by-minute. Jesus. What a week. Let’s go!

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006) – BMeTric: 61.8

Garfield2_BMeT

Garfield2_RV

(It is pretty shocking to see how close these two movies are in both IMDb rating (5.0 now) and in Rotten Tomatoes score (15% and 11%). Just more of the same I guess … but in England or whatever.)

Leonard Maltin – 2.5 stars –  While tagging along with Meyer on a trip to London, Garfield is mistaken for a look-alike cat who’s come into a big inheritance. Minor but amusing. Alternate version runs 86m. Advertised as Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.

(What a short review. And basically reads, again, as: innocuous but secretly boring but also blessedly short. Which I guess i’m down with …)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLTnQko_Lz4

(Oh God. This looks terrible. Why would they do this? The original was so charming in how … local they kept it! Keep Garfield in … Indiana or wherever he lives.)

Directors – Tim Hill – (Known For: Muppets from Space; Future BMT: Alvin and the Chipmunks; Hop; Max Keeble’s Big Move; BMT: Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; Notes: Developed Spongebob Squarepants, and turned to directing on shows like KaBlam! Amazingly it seems like he got the Muppets from Space as his first major directorial job. Seems like a big get.)

Writers – Joel Cohen and Alec Sokolow (written by) – (Known For: Toy Story; Future BMT: Daddy Day Camp; Evan Almighty; Money Talks; Goodbye Lover; BMT: Garfield; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; Cheaper by the Dozen; Notes: Apparently they are working a project with Jamie Foxx and David Bautista called Groove Tails involving mice in a competitive dance competition … or something.)

Jim Davis (comic strip “Garfield”) – (BMT: Garfield; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; Notes: Has an organization employing over 50 artists that work on the Garfield brand in general, managing its image and overall finances. He is currently an adjunct professor in Indiana.)

Actors – Breckin Meyer – (Known For: Clueless; The Craft; Road Trip; Can’t Hardly Wait; Rat Race; The Insider; Escape from L.A.; Go; Herbie Fully Loaded; Josie and the Pussycats; Kate & Leopold; Prefontaine; Dancer, Texas Pop. 81; Blue State; Future BMT: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare; Rebound; 54; Caffeine; Touch; Tail Lights Fade; BMT: Garfield; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; Pinocchio; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for Pinocchio in 2003; Notes: Has been doing some television recently. Particularly Designated Survivor and is slated to star in The Fix on ABC it looks like.)

Jennifer Love Hewitt – (Known For: Tropic Thunder; Can’t Hardly Wait; Heartbreakers; Future BMT: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit; Delgo; The Suburbans; The Truth About Love; House Arrest; Jewtopia; Telling You; BMT: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer; Garfield; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; The Tuxedo; I Know What You Did Last Summer; Notes: Just posted a flashback to some red carpet moments of her posing with her ex Carson Daly. Married to her The Client List co-star Brian Hallisay.)

Billy Connolly – (Known For: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies; Brave; Pocahontas; The Last Samurai; A Series of Unfortunate Events; Open Season; What We Did on Our Holiday; White Oleander; Muppet Treasure Island; Mrs Brown; Fido; Still Crazy; Quartet; The Return of the Musketeers; The Man Who Sued God; The Impostors; Beautiful Joe; An Everlasting Piece; Future BMT: Gulliver’s Travels; Beverly Hills Ninja; Indecent Proposal; The X Files: I Want to Believe; The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day; Wild Oats; Who Is Cletis Tout?; BMT: Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; Timeline; Notes: Scottish singer turned comedian. Was a vocal opponent of Scottish independence in 2014.)

Budget/Gross – $60 million / Domestic: $28,426,747 (Worldwide: $141,702,264)

(This is a little closer to not being worth it, but probably still profitable. Still, the trajectory suggests a severe budget cut would be needed to make a third, plus I don’t think Murray was game at that point, this was only the second sequel he had ever done after all.)

#49 for the CGI Star genre

garfield2_cgistar

(This hits right before things really took off. I was actually pretty impressed with the CGI of Garfield in the previews I watched, which was surprising. Marmaduke was, as a more recent example, an actual dog which was just modified via CGI.)

#31 for the Family – Talking Animal (Live action) genre

garfield2_talkinganimal

(Marmaduke is number 29 on this list, so it hits right there as one would expect. I have a feeling I will still like this more than Marmaduke, although I guess both buy in heavily to the Cartoon Fish out of Water.)

#27 for the TV Cartoon (Live Action) genre

garfield2_basedoncartoons

(While the original was a little ahead of the peak for the genre, this guy hit right before I really got saturated. The weirdest film we’ve seen on this list I think is Aeon Flux.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 11% (8/74): Strictly for (very) little kids, A Tale of Two Kitties features skilled voice actors but a plot that holds little interest.

(Oooooof. Very little kids. I guess the original seemed like it was just for kids as well so … makes sense? Reviewer Highlight: The best thing that can be said about Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties is that the movie isn’t quite as bad as its name. – Peter Hartlaub, San Francisco Chronicle)

Poster – Talking Animals 2: Destination: London (C+)

garfield_a_tail_of_two_kitties

(Both the first and second film seem to buy into the mostly white, very simplistic style that I generally don’t like. Still love the font and nice symmetry. But overall just meh.)

Tagline(s) – Too much of a good thing is even better. (C-)

(Technically there isn’t a tagline on the poster, but I liked this extra one enough to include it. It’s just such a weird play on a common phrase. So innocuous and not connected to the film in any way. As generic of a sequel tagline as you could make.)

Keyword(s) – cat; Top Ten by BMeTric: 94.7 Catwoman (2004); 92.4 Date Movie (2006); 88.9 Vampires Suck (2010); 86.2 The Cat in the Hat (2003); 84.4 Movie 43 (2013); 82.5 Inspector Gadget (1999); 82.5 Home Alone 3 (1997); 81.8 I Know Who Killed Me (2007); 80.4 One Missed Call (2008); 78.4 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000);

(Date Movie doesn’t reeeeeally seem like a cat film, which is too bad. The keywords from IMDb really are the worst.)

Notes – Garfield is one of two characters who have been portrayed by both Bill Murray and the late Lorenzo Music. The other is Dr. Peter Venkman of the “Ghostbusters” series. (It is kind of silly they didn’t just get a voice actor to to this … why do you need a big name to voice Garfield again? Considering they already had a very distinctive voice for Garfield, just get somehow who can to a passable job.)

Billy Connolly admitted in an interview that when he was offered the role of Lord Dargis in this sequel, he wasn’t aware that the first Garfield (2004) movie existed. (ha)

Castle Carlyle is really Castle Howard in North Yorkshire. Brideshead Revisited (1981) was filmed at the same castle. (Yiiiiis, these are the fun facts I come for)

Along with Ghostbusters II, this is only the second sequel of one of his movies, Bill Murray has appeared in. (WHY)

Tim Curry the voice of Prince and Bill Murray the voice of Garfield were both originally considered to star in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) as Eddie Valiant and Judge Doom. But they both got replaced by Bob Hoskins and Christopher Lloyd. (Good choice. What a classic)

Roger Ebert’s review of this movie was written in first person as Garfield. (Alright … oh wow it is a horror show)

Awards – Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Prequel or Sequel (2007)

Nominee for the Razzie Award for Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment (2007)

Garfield Preview

Jamie awakens to find himself hanging by his feet in the rafters of the old mansion. “I know it’s a shock being a vampire and all,” says a voice. Turning to his side Jamie sees a young vampire smiling back at him. “But don’t worry. The name’s Odin and I’ll help you learn all the coolz vampire rulez at Dracula School.”  Jamie does love rules, but he also knows that the librarian could be back at any moment to squeeze his twinzo powers out of him. “I’ll pass bro,” he says, pausing momentarily to turn his hat backwards, “I gotta find my brother, Patrick.” “Well maybe I can help you,” Odin replies, “you see we’re both Larbagios, those are vampires made by other vampires. We are mortal enemies of Hedgermias, those are vampires who made themselves vampires. There are also Royeldrums, those are vampires that were always vampires. We all fight and can never love unless bound by the Oaths of Keldronia, for otherwise our blood lust will overtake us and we will become Hedgermias. Thus we must be pure and remember that the flesh is sacred…” Rolling his eyes Jamie interjects, “Wish I could stay but look at the time…” As he turns to leave Odin suddenly transforms before his eyes into a large dog. “I didn’t get to the useful part yet,” the large dog says, “Larbagios can also transform into animals.” Oooo, that is helpful. With such a power Jamie will be able to sneak right by that librarian and start figuring out where Patrick is. Concentrating real hard he feel himself transform. Looking down he sees a mass of orange hair and black stripes. Great, a big ol’ fat orange cat. Not super inconspicuous, but it’ll have to do. That’s right! We’re (finally) watching Garfield and Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties.

Patrick is mesmerized by the terrible teenage witch rap dance, unaware of time slipping away from him. Days pass, his lips cracked with dehydration, his mind lost in the glorious inanity he is viewing, his body dying. All of a sudden the door explodes, splinters showering Patrick and awakening him from his daze, bullets zip and crack, raining down on all manner of teenage witch and wizard. “LAPD! You have the right to remain dead,” a grizzled officer growls. Another officer, dressed in overalls with no shirt, shakes his head, “Gosh dern it Sticks, this was supposed to be an easy in and out job, just grab the kid and let’s get outta here!” The grizzled officer grabs Patrick roughly. “You’re welcome punk, Stones and I just saved your mind.” They drag Patrick through the front door and … onto another set? This one is dressed up as an alleyway. They drop Patrick into a pile of garbage, Sticks and Stones look at each other and nod, “Light’er up” says Stones. As they gleefully firebomb the witch’s house set, black doll eyes gleaming, Patrick’s mind begins to clear. Just then an alley cat walks by. “You don’t belong here” the cat says with a wink, and walks off. Wait … A talking cat!?! What is this place? That’s right! We’re also watching A Talking Cat!?!!

We move forward in the Bring A Friend cycle to watch two films that involve talking cats. That’s because Garfield is in fact a talking cat!?! We used to avoid films like Garfield (and the BONUS Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties) thinking they were “just for kids” and not worth our time. We eventually realized that that was patronizing and decided to give them a chance… and they turned out to mostly be not worth our time. But sometimes they can be fun. Here’s to hoping! As for A Talking Cat!?! It’s is a film!?! The verdict is still out. It certainly exists and it will play in front of our eyeballs, but it’s hard to say how or why this film(!?!) has become something of a cult classic. Even leading to a podcast A Talking Cast!?! Which broke down the film minute-by-minute. Jesus. What a week. Let’s go!

Garfield (2004) – BMeTric: 66.2

Garfield_BMeT

Garfield_RV

(Nothing super interesting. Kind of fun seeing a film that goes all the way right back to when the internet archive started. Was very stable for about a decade, but has started regressing up towards the mean a bit. A 5.0 is absurdly low though.)

Leonard Maltin – 2 stars –  Murray is an ideal voice for the world’s laziest (and hungriest) cat in this innocuous, uninspired comedy combining computer-generate animation and live action. Meye is Garfield’s hapless owner, who tries to woo attractive veterinarian Hewitt by adopting Odie, a homeless mutt, which spurs Garfield into defensive action. Based on Jim Davis’ comic strip and animated TV series. Followed by a sequel.

(Innocuous is the worst thing you’d want to hear with something like this I think. Translation is it is merely boring and not worth anyone’s time. Even the review is kind of boring.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GV5y4yTDtBI

(Everything but the dancing seems fine to me. The dancing … well it is something people do. They straight Marmaduked it and there isn’t much we can do about it now is there?)

Directors – Peter Hewitt – (Known For: Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey; The Borrowers; Thunderpants; Whatever Happened to Harold Smith?; Future BMT: Zoom; Tom and Huck; BMT: Garfield; Notes: Not that old, it is pretty plausible the one-two punch of Zoom and Garfield killed his career. British, born in Brighton.)

Writers – Jim Davis (comic strip “Garfield”) – (BMT: Garfield; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; Notes: His life is mostly identical to Jon Arbuckle, who also grew up on a farm in Indiana and was a cartoonist, although Davis has been married a few times. Also wrote the strip U.S. Acres, which was part of the Garfield & Friends brand.)

Joel Cohen and Alec Sokolow (written by) – (Known For: Toy Story; Future BMT: Daddy Day Camp; Evan Almighty; Money Talks; Goodbye Lover; BMT: Garfield; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; Cheaper by the Dozen; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar as part of the team that wrote Toy Story. They jointly directed a Monster Mash film in 1995 which looks … not super great.)

Actors – Breckin Meyer – (Known For: Clueless; The Craft; Road Trip; Can’t Hardly Wait; Rat Race; The Insider; Escape from L.A.; Go; Herbie Fully Loaded; Josie and the Pussycats; Kate & Leopold; Prefontaine; Dancer, Texas Pop. 81; Blue State; Future BMT: Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare; Rebound; 54; Caffeine; Touch; Tail Lights Fade; BMT: Garfield; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; Pinocchio; Ghosts of Girlfriends Past; Razzie Notes: Winner for Worst Actor for Pinocchio in 2003; Notes: Went to grade school with Drew Barrymore who introduced him to his first agent. At one point I knew him as that guy who had basically back-to-back one-and-done television series, Inside Schwartz, and Married to the Kellys.)

Jennifer Love Hewitt – (Known For: Tropic Thunder; Can’t Hardly Wait; Heartbreakers; Future BMT: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit; Delgo; The Suburbans; The Truth About Love; House Arrest; Jewtopia; Telling You; BMT: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer; Garfield; Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties; The Tuxedo; I Know What You Did Last Summer; Notes: Possibly most famous for Party of Five. She is in the new show 9-1-1.)

Stephen Tobolowsky – (Known For: Memento; Basic Instinct; Spaceballs; Mississippi Burning; Freaky Friday; Groundhog Day; Thelma & Louise; Robots; Buried; Sneakers; Adaptation.; The Insider; Single White Female; Mr. Peabody & Sherman; Great Balls of Fire!; Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!; Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco; Murder in the First; Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael; The Grifters; Future BMT: Mr. Magoo; View from the Top; Little Black Book; The Glimmer Man; National Security; An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn; My Father the Hero; Black Dog; Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde; Bird on a Wire; You May Not Kiss the Bride; Memoirs of an Invisible Man; Calendar Girl; Peep World; Blind Dating; Funny About Love; Romeo Is Bleeding; Radioland Murders; The Pickle; Josh and S.A.M.; BMT: Freddy Got Fingered; Garfield; Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous; The Country Bears; Failure to Launch; Wild Hogs; Atlas Shrugged: Part III; Notes: Very prolific character actor, Ned from Groundhog Day. Had a very long running podcast, The Tobolowsky Files, although it looks like it may have ended last year.)

Budget/Gross – $50 million / Domestic: $75,369,589 (Worldwide: $200,804,534)

(Giant success I would say. For $50 million you might have wanted to break $100 on the home front, but certainly a good reason to make a sequel one would think.)

#40 for the CGI Star genre

garfield_cgistar

(Cutting edge! This plot just goes up and up … until it just becomes every film I guess. Highest BMT is Transformers: Age of Extinction and lowest is Transformers: The Last Knight … lots of Transformers I guess. Rocky and Bullwinkle will be fun.)

#20 for the Family – Talking Animal (Live action) genre

garfield_talkinganimal

(Right in the middle of the talking animal live action family film boom it looks like. Highest grossing BMT is Zookeeper, although that will be trounced by Alvin and the Chipmunks at some point. Hot to Trot is very low naturally, back in the day when they did talking animal films the right way (shakes fist))

#19 for the TV Cartoon (Live Action) genre

garfield_basedoncartoons

(Right before a big boom in the mid 2000s (the Transformers franchise I guess). BRATZ and Dudley Do-Right back-to-back as our lowest BMT examples is fantastic. Although only BRATZ is really worth watching in any capacity.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 15% (20/137): When the novelty of the CGI Garfield wears off, what’s left is a simplistic kiddie movie.

(I guess in our case it will be the morbid fascination with 2004 fully CGI characters … Reviewer Highlight – There’s nothing to recommend about this film except its sheer innocuousness. – Desson Thomsom, Washington Post (uh oh…))

Poster – This Cat is Morbidly Obese, Call Social Services (B-)

garfield_ver6

(I like the furriness and realism of Garfield and the unique font. Otherwise though this falls into the very bare-bones, mostly white posters that I generally dislike.)

Tagline(s) – Get ready for frisky business (D)

(No thanks. That is a crazy tagline with no real tangible connection to this film and should have been immediately thrown in the trash.)

Keyword(s) – cat; Top Ten by BMeTric: 94.7 Catwoman (2004); 92.4 Date Movie (2006); 88.9 Vampires Suck (2010); 86.2 The Cat in the Hat (2003); 84.4 Movie 43 (2013); 82.5 Inspector Gadget (1999); 82.5 Home Alone 3 (1997); 81.8 I Know Who Killed Me (2007); 80.4 One Missed Call (2008); 78.4 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000);

(These are real deal cat films. I wonder if we will ever watch Home Alone 3. That is probably one of the most surprising “this actually genuinely qualifies, it was released to thousands of theaters” films we’ve never seen.)

Notes – Bill Murray named this film as one of his regrets in Zombieland (2009).

Bill Murray has said during interviews that he hates that he didn’t think to have Garfield say his famous Ghostbusters (1984) line “Dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!” (in the scenes of Odie being introduced to the house) until after all post-production had been completed, and it was too late to add it. (Decent point)

Jim Carrey turned down the role of Jon Arbuckle. (A tad bit too famous at the time I think, he ended up doing Mr. Popper’s Penguins seven years later)

In an interview, Bill Murray stated that he originally thought the script was written by Joel Coen. It wasn’t until the recording process, and watching dailies, that he realized that it was written by Joel Cohen, not the same person, of whom he was thinking. (Imagining a Garfield film written by Joel Coen is … an interesting idea)

Bill Murray and Lorenzo Music have both played Garfield and Dr Peter Venkman. Murray plays Garfield in this film and Dr Venkman in the Ghostbusters films, and Music voiced Garfield in Garfield and Friends (1988) and Dr. Venkman in The Real Ghost Busters (1986). (Yes, unfortunately Music died in 2001 otherwise I do imagine he’s be the voice in the film)

Joe Towne who plays a technician in the film (as Ariel Joseph Towne) was hired during production as the on-set voice of Garfield. (Oooooo fun fact)

In the film, Jon adopts Odie from his vet Liz’s animal hospital. In the comic strip, Odie was originally the pet of Jon’s friend Lyman. (Wow, some deep Garfield knowledge)

In the film, Nermal is a Siamese cat who lives on the cul-de-sac. In the comic strip, Nermal is a grey tabby kitten who originally belonged to Jon’s parents. (This is some great shit right here)

The license plate on Liz’s pickup is “Pet Doc”.

Jim Davis: Garfield’s creator has a cameo as the train conductor who makes the “all aboard” announcement. (Ugh)