Oh man, so get this. I’m a kickboxer. I get kickboxed in the head all the time. I’ve sustained a thousand concussions. I don’t remember anything. Do you remember what happened in Kickboxer?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) JCVD and his bro are off to Thailand to show off older brother’s championship kickboxing skillz. What freaks JCVD out about the upcoming match?
2) What injury does the brother sustain?
3) Welp time to train. How does JCVD meet his Mr. Miyagi?
4) How does not-Mr.-Miyagi get JCVD into the big fight?
5) What do the bad guys do to try and psych out JCVD right before the fight?
Bonus Question: So what happens to JCVD after the big fight?
Answers
1) He is seeing how fat everyone is. But even more concerning is that the opponent it kicking a concrete pillar and it is like … breaking? That seems bad. Get out of there!
2) He is paralyzed after the evil kickboxer punches him right in the spine. Naturally the people who run the competition just dump the world champion kickboxer in the street, NBD, that makes sense.
3) Well, at the match JCVD literally falls into a Vietnam / CIA vet character who ultimately takes JCVD to the hospital. After JCVD insists on fighting though he is like “pump the brakes, you have to go see my friend because he’s going to tall you all about how you aren’t ready to fight.” And he does.
4) Dance party! In basically the most famous scene in the film JCVD gets real drunk and just needs to fucking dance. Then not-Miyagi goes and challenges the bad guy to fight this drunk idiot. Naturally JCVD dispatches them all and the bad guys are like “oh no my honor” and allows him to fight.
5) They rape his girlfriend, kidnap his brother, and (almost) kill a dog. Well the GF is staying strong for her man, and CIA guy is saving his brother, so you know that JCVD is going to fight with glass all over his hands like a champ. Fuck you Tang Po!
Bonus Answer: He dies … psych, that’s just what he wants you to think! You best believe we are going for a direct sequel to the original. Years in the future, JCVD is back Jack! Turns out, he faked his own death to protect his fambly. Him and his master’s niece went into a personal kind of exile, to meditate and kickbox in peace without the constant threat of Kickboxer: Retaliation. In the intervening years he hears of the trials of his younger brother, and indeed, both of his brothers do eventually pass away. But through the grapevine he learns that in their desperation the gang headed by Tang Po has learned of his presence, and most importantly, of his son. Still a child, the gang is convinced if they can just beat the shit out of this 11 year old in a regulation kickboxing match then they’ll be in like Flynn, they’ll have their honor back. Not so fast! It’s JCVD time. He decides he must train his son in the art of kickboxing. And when the time comes they arrange a meeting. Once there in the locker room who shows up by his brothers! They’re angels. But, oh no, angels can’t help you in championship games! Their 11-year-old nephew is going to do this on his own. Oh yeah, and Dennis Chan? Dead in two months, head chopped off in a freak jet ski accident (“he does like to jet ski” whispers JCVD). Just thought you would like to know. Nervously they enter the arena … oh wait, Tang Po is like 65 years old. The end of the film is a literal child beating up an old man. Victory!
It’s called K2: The Mighty Sloane and it ushers in a whole new era of kids’ films featuring JCVD.
Bad Movie Twins 