Kickboxer Recap

Jamie

Sometimes our eyes get a little bigger than our BMT stomachs, but usually that’s because we recognize that a veritable smorgasbord of goodness is coming our way. How couldn’t we watch Kickboxer and Kickboxer III: The Art of War as our Bring a Friend combo when both films happened to air on a September 1st in the 90’s? And how couldn’t we supplement that with a bonus Kickboxer II: The Road Back? It’s impossible. It’s literally impossible. Show me someone who says they could resist that and I’ll show you a liar. If you’re reading this and think “I’m not going to watch three Kickboxer movies in one week,” I’m here to tell you… you’re a liar. Did you even hear the subtitle “The Art of War”? When this whole cycle has been an Art cycle… *ring* *ring* hello, it’s me, destiny, and I’m here to turn on your radio. What’s that? What about Kickboxer IV: The Aggressor? Stop being ridiculous. We may be crazy, but we’re not stupid.

To recap, Eric Sloane is the world champ in kickboxing but everyone is like “you can’t beat Thailand.” Being dumb he’s like ‘oh yeah?’ and schedules a fight in Thailand against a totally unknown fighter in Muay Thai, a type of fighting he’s never done. His much smarter younger brother Kurt is like “don’t do it,” particularly when he hears that his opponent Tong Po has killed people and mostly stands around punching concrete pillars all day like a psycho. But Eric (being quite stupid) fights him anyway and is paralyzed. Kurt is devastated and after getting laughed out of all the gyms in Bangkok accepts the help of expatriate Taylor to find Xian Chow, a famous Muay Thai trainer. After some training and some smooching with Chow’s niece Mylee, Kurt wins a fight to set up the revenge match with Tong Po. Tong Po’s trainer puts all his money behind Po and in very 80’s action film fashion decides that he should probably insure victory by having Tong Po kidnap Eric and rape Mylee. He holds Eric hostage to force Kurt to go the distance but ultimately throw the match. Mylee is ashamed and begs Tylor to help get Eric back so Kurt doesn’t have to lose. Taylor and Chow get Eric back just in time for Kurt to turn the match around and destroy Tong Po. THE END.

Boy, I very much enjoyed this very dumb movie. We’ve seen a lot of JCVD movies over the years but I think this might be the best one to help understand his draw as a potential movie star. And not just because you can see that he knows what he’s doing in terms of kickboxing and has some natural charisma and charm. It’s mostly because the actual pro kickboxer they got to play Eric is flat as can be. It seems hard to find both a guy who pops on screen and knows how to make a fight look real and he can do it. Tong Po is also a good villain. It’s fluff, but it’s fun fluff. As for the sequels, boy oh boy oh boy. This is what Bring a Friend is all about. Sasha Mitchell clearly likes to kickbox, but he’s a totally ridiculous actor. I vaguely recall his character on Step by Step was kind of a dumb lunk and this is right in line with that. The first sequel is pretty funny in how they stretch the backstory (he’s a previously unmentioned younger brother of the characters from the first film who “died because of kickboxing”… but they also show Kurt being shot in cold blood by Tong Po?) but otherwise is not so different than the original. The third film. Hoooooooooooo doggy. Holy shit. What a wild ride. Suddenly we are in Brazil, our boy Sasha is adopting children, there’s a real crazy sex trafficking story line that is already out of place in this kickboxing (?) movie… but then Sasha goes totally commando out of nowhere and murders people. And he’s like “it’s always hard to kill people.” Is it?… Is it, Sasha? It’s also amusing because in multiple movies people die or are paralyzed during sanctioned matches and Sasha stands up at different points and rails on the corruption in the sport and I can’t tell if these films are supposed to be an advertisement for or a warning against kickboxing.

Hot Take Clam Bake! Frank Lane wanted to get caught and killed by Sasha. He was suicidal. Think about it. Here’s a rich guy running a sex trafficking ring in Brazil. He’s got authorities on his payroll. Things are going pretty well. In walks a kickboxing champion with a street urchin and his sister in tow. What do you do if you are a master criminal? Do you A) wait until after the kickboxing match, say a fond goodbye to Sasha, and promise to look after the girl? OR B) take the girl right then, antagonize Sasha, leverage all your wealth betting against the champ, and then get killed by a child? You can think over those two choices while also marveling at the fact that this take came from Kickboxer 3. Hot Take Temperature: Brazil.

Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a JCVD classic besmirched by critics (are you dumb?) and supplemented by two direct-to-video sequels (wait … are we dumb?). Let’s go!

Hellllllllllll yeah … so yeah, obviously I’ve seen this film before and I was like “cool, good movie, enjoyed it..” And then when I saw the Rotten Tomatoes score my eyes popped out of my head and steam came out of my ears. Ric-goddamned-diculous.

Sure the brother actor is terrible. And so is the bad guy. Both of those guys are also kickboxers who can’t act their way out of a paper bag but whatever.

And sure they go straight to the issue I’ve had with a lot of these low budget 80s and 90s films: literally paralyzing and nearly killing someone is fine, but when they want to kick up the bad guys’ badness another degree they can’t help but go straight to sexually assaulting someone the hero loves. Blah.

And fine the mentor character is kind of a weird cartoon and a total knockoff of Miyagi.

But goddamned if I don’t really enjoy Bloodsport, this, and The Quest. There is something so pure in the descent into madness that series of films ends up being once you consider the progressive amount of control JCVD had in each of them. One sec, have to pop in my Criterion Steelbook of The Quest.

Oh I almost forgot the dance scene. The dance scene is a must watch. I think the Criterion Collection released just the dance scene as a 4K/Blu-Ray 2-disc special edition.

Let’s roll right into the sequel shall we? We did the two main sequels to the film as Friends, the first being Kickboxer II: The Road Back. Also fun. The main actor is an abomination though. I can maybe see what they were going for, and by all accounts he was a kickboxing fanatic, but they needed an actual kickboxer in the role. His friend ended up being in a few more films eventually and I think he could have maybe held his own in the role. I just don’t buy the guy from Dallas as an elite kickboxer, and there are some laugh out loud moments with his character, specifically at the end when he mumbles “Do you have no honor” while bleeding profusely from his face. It is honestly priceless. Still though, a pretty fun if at times weird movie.

Now as for Kickboxer III: The Art of War … what the hell? This movie is some of the most incredible shit I’ve ever seen. Somehow the main actor has gotten worse since his last outing in the role. His character at times comes across as genuinely dumb, and his outfits … he starts the movie in a truly sublime bright red set of overalls, and later pops on some shorts where I could (I swear to god) see the entire outline of his dick. This was the actor’s clothing. It has to be! Anyways, eventually because some manager who is setting up kickboxing tournaments turns out to be a pedophile and a child prostitute sex slaver you know what that means … yeah, our kickboxer has to shoot like 12 people in the face and save everyone. Yup, he Seagals it. No need to know any martial arts, he barely does any in the film, nope, he just gets an automatic and sprays bullets at any bad guy he sees. And sure, there is a weird bit where they try and exercise him to death, but in the end that only makes him stronger (obviously) and he destroys the crazy guy he was brought in to spar with. This movie is bonkers. This is exactly what I want direct-to-video sequels to be … well, minus the child sex trafficking. But yeah, 10/10, A, I would watch these films again, they are hilarious.

Obviously a great Setting as a Character (Where?) for Thailand (although it is never beating the A+ Bangkok Dangerous). I think that is it, it isn’t a real twist that Van Damme wins. The movie is obviously Good.

Read about my direct sequel to the original in the Quiz. Cheerios,

The Sklogs