Jamie
You better believe it’s time to finally put to rest the Halloween series and end its BMT reign of terror. Much like Michael Myers it is an unstoppable force of lore. Even when you think they are rebooting the franchise they can’t escape the lore that weighs heavy on their souls. That sums up the first of the reboot films, once again titled Halloween, which appears to serve a singular purpose: to tell everyone that Laurie Strode is in fact NOT Michael Myers’ sister. Literally every other dumb thing in the franchise? We love it and you also love it so that’s how we’ll make the movie. We shall construct the entire film of references. Is it Spring? Cause I’m finding all these easter eggs in my movie. Yummy yummy. But you better forget Laurie Strode being Michael Myers’ sister. That’s not an easter egg. That’s duuuuuummmbbbbbbbb. Sorry, I didn’t even like the first film in this reboot… and that got great reviews! I’m sure the second will be better.
To recap, Michael Myers is back, Jack! This time he’s surviving a big ol’ fire and starting back up on his rampage. Laurie Strode is in the hospital and everyone just wants her to get better (awww). So when they hear that Myers actually survived they want to keep it from her. But her granddaughter Allyson is like ‘F that fo sho,” and joins up with Tommy Doyle (just can’t stop, won’t stop bringing everything back) to hunt him down. Once Laurie wakes up she finds out about Michael and is all like “He’s definitely coming here because he targets me for some unknown reason even though I’m not even his sister cause that would be dumb.” Everyone gets all jazzed to the point when a different escaped asylum patient stumbles his way into the hospital they all chase him to his death. It’s hilarious (no, no really. It’s unintentionally hilarious). Oh right, I forgot, Michael is still killing people this whole time, but it’s random. Tommy, Allyson and the gang catch up with him. Guess what? He kills some of them. They then track him to his old house where he kills them some more. Eventually Laurie’s daughter Karen is able to lure him to his “death.” So that’s about that. Or is it? It’s not, come on. He wakes up and kills a bunch more people. THE END.
Oh nooooo! It wasn’t better at all. In fact it was way worse. The scene in the middle of the film where a different escaped mental patient is being chased by a mob and eventually jumps to his death is peak unintentional comedy. They could have played it during I Think You Should Leave and I wouldn’t have blinked. The first film had me thinking “we get it, Laurie Strode isn’t Michael’s sister. Give it a rest,” and it’s like the filmmakers heard me and said “Oh yeah, watch this.” The entire second act of the film seems to be made expressly to hammer home that Laurie isn’t special at all. That everyone assumed Myers had a reason for his kills, but he doesn’t. Great… so why did you spend so much time going on about how everyone thinks Michael and Laurie are connected? Why in this world would that even be a thing? It feels very Scream-ish… as if the whole series of films exist in this world and so everyone is trying to guess Michael’s next move based on their years of accumulated knowledge about him… but he’s just an old dude who escaped once before and killed some people. The meta-ness of it broke my brain and my spirit. I really did not like this movie. What have you done to my sweet, dear Halloween. Don’t you remember when you were young and full of hilarious lore? Why have you forsaken me?!!!!
Hot Take Clam Bake! You guessed it. Halloween.. You doth protest too much. Methinks Laurie Strode is in fact Michael Myers’ sister. Let’s look at the facts. First, you protested far too much. I didn’t even think she was his sister until you brought it up. Second, we don’t have any proof that he isn’t her sister. Have you seen a genetic test? Didn’t think so. So why are you doth protesting so much? Are you afraid of what the truth will reveal? Finally, have you thought about how funny it would be if in the third film they were suddenly like “you know what… fuck… she actually is his sister.” Just for that it’s got to be true. It’s just too good. Hot Take Temperature: A house aflame.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about people tricking fans into thinking Halloween was back Jack, when in reality it was just as out as it has ever been? Let’s go!
While watching the Rob Zombie Halloween I didn’t find that vision particularly compelling, but at least it was something. The second of his seemed to be intentionally provocative and a bit more annoying as he seemed to clearly not want to do a sequel.
But compared to this one? At least it had something to say. I guess a brief discussion of the first in the Green trilogy is warranted. That one positions itself as a direct sequel to the original (interesting) and explicitly throws out Laurie being Michael’s sister (excellent). After that though for the most part the film once again fails to have anything interesting to say. It tends to just reheat a bunch of leftovers from the now deprecated sequels (e.g. the gas station bathroom scene which is pretty much directly from the sixth I think). The only thing I would say is it ends on something of a high note as a coordinated effort by Laurie and her daughter manage to trick and trap Michael in a way that I found both surprising and delightful.
Now as for this one … it all turns to ashes in my mouth.
The movie is not scary, and seems to have too many characters moving all about Haddonfield with call backs to the original 70s film and the first Green film galore.
It then also has, bar none, perhaps the most embarrassing sequence in Halloween film history. This is for a franchise where the Cult of Thorn creates a zombie Michael Myers to yada yada yada something about Celtic lore and living forever maybe (or was that the third film …). The scene in the hospital where the mob is chasing the other mental patient who ultimately commits suicide … it is like a parody film. It is shot like shit, the music is shit, the idea is shit. If that bit wasn’t in the movie it is maybe passable, but right there the movie shows its hand a bit: when introducing novel elements to the franchise it flails about completely. It really can only reheat and reserve the elements we already know, and that is either inevitable for a franchise with 13 films now, or the unfortunate product of having Green as writer/director … his track record now suggests it might be the latter.
Anyways, the film was lame. So was Exorcist: Belieber. Why can’t people get these reboots even close to being right?
I did end up watching Halloween Ends. I have to say, at least it was somewhat inventive? I don’t really like what it was putting down. In a way, it is a bit like that Friday the 13th film where it turned out it was a copycat the whole time. It feels like a cheat to have a lot of the kills being done by not-Michael Myers. But I appreciate the interesting twist. It is an idea that skirts alongside the genetic connection with the niece in the original later sequels, but it is something I feel like the Halloween franchise needed to broach. It was okay.
Obviously an always great Settings as a Character (What?) for Haddonfield, Illinois. An A+ Holiday Film (When?) for Halloween of course. And a terrible no good Worst Twist (How?) for the dumb bit where people fuck around and find out that Michael Myers is an unstoppable killer and he kills everyone and gets away, dumb. I think this is a dumb Bad film, blah.
Read about the sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
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