Oh man so get this. I’m like a samurai kind of … I’m maybe a demon. It’s hard to tell. But rest assured, I tried to fight in the big samurai tournament and got bopped right on the head by a huge monster man. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in 47 Ronin?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) How does Keanu recognize the witch?
2) What super faux pas does Keanu commit that results in him getting disgraced and beaten?
3) Why does the original lord of Ako have to commit seppuku?
4) What is in the Tengu Forest?
5) How do they infiltrate the eeeeevil lair of the eeeeeevil lord?
Bonus Question: I was thinking about a sweet sequel called like 48 Ronin, but then my agent called me up and was like “We actually need way more Ronin”. What? How do I get so many Ronin in my new script?
Answers
1) She’s got two different colored eyes! That should tell you everything you need to know about how she lives her life! (As a witch). Also, arguably the fox is super sexy, but you know our policy here at BMTHQ: we are strictly AGAINST any and all sexy animals in film.
2) Well the champion was stricken by a pretty serious case of the witchcraft. And someone had to play. So who comes down the tunnel but Keanu. And he … well he gets trounced, the guy is a monster. But in the process his mask comes off and they are like fuck! There ARE rules against non-samurai playing in the National Samurai League! So he has to go to the penalty box and serve the standard major penalty: game misconduct and a severe beating (the same as, I think, spearing in the NHL? I can’t remember).
3) Well he comes down with a serious case of the witchcrafts (it seems to be going around) via a magic spider. This results in him having a waking nightmare of his daughter being assaulted by the eeeeeeeeeevil guy. In this waking nightmare he attacks the bad guy, but in reality it appears like he just attacked a guest of his which is immediately a death sentence. Because the lord is so super sweet though they allow him to do the honorable thing.
4) Awwww it’s Kai’s fambly. Who … look like Voldemort? And they have super sweet swords, but you have to pass their test which is basically just the test from Empire Strikes Back, the cave where Luke killed himself dressed as Darth Vader. Anyways, we also get the reveal that Kai is a magis person who can Morb around like Morbius, so that’s fun.
5) Well, they mostly just scale the wall and do ninja moves? Like, it becomes a bit unclear what they gained by their deceit. But a group also pretends to be actors and gets in that way. And I have to say … we got a little but of a High School Musical situation here because the main ronin seems to be a great actor? Like, even the main bad guy is like “wait a second, who dis? I’m tearing up here” at one point while he is acting. I would have liked a sequel where the main conflict is him being the best samurai in the world, like the MJ of samurai, but then he’s like … is my true passion acting though? It would make for a wild storyline for 48 Ronin.
Bonus Answer: Shoot, it’s a tall order, but someone has got to do it. Open a few years after the events of the first movie. Everyone is dead … or are they? They are, but suddenly a meteor from outer space flies down and buries itself in the earth near the Ronin. Soon, even more fireballs fly down and little robots come out and scan the area looking for anything to disguise themselves on this alien planet of Earth. They scan the Ronin bones. Perfect! Suddenly we got transformer Ronin. There are 46 of them. Before you start in on me about how that’s actually fewer Ronin, the Decepticons … er, I mean, Deceptironin, come down and also scan the same bones. So we have 92 Ronin which definitely satisfies the contract I signed saying I would have “a bunch more Ronin.” Regardless, they are still in feudal Japan, and they are now robots, and obviously they have to fight over finding the AllSpark which also landed nearby. Luckily, the Autoronin have a friend called Samurai Witwicky who is helping him out and he’s the difference in getting the AllSpark and saving the Autoronin and Cybertron.
It is called 92 Ronin: Revenge of the Ronin and as I said, I fulfilled my contract, so they have to pay me for this draft. Champagne’s on me!
Bad Movie Twins 