Jamie
Sometimes I like to take a little trip down memory lane in our patented BMTime Machine to remind myself of where we came from. When we first started we didn’t even have cycles. We just watched movies that were being done on a podcast. Then we moved on to mostly watching things we could get through Netflix… the DVD delivery company. Eventually we were like wait a second… rulez are coolz and we began to go through cycles which morphed over time into a standard set of genres and a Stallonian Calendar to incorporate in theater viewing. Now we have a story that ties all the cycles together. Like reverse entropy we have sought order in a BMTverse of disorder. What is lost in all this is that at one point one of the regular genres we had in our cycles was Kids films. That is until we said, “why are we doing this to ourselves?” and stopped. But every once in a while…
To recap, [Jamie exhales an extended sigh and follows that with a contemplative look. Rain streaks down the window pane. Jamie sighs again recalling all the moments in his life he would never get back. He smiles slightly. Many of these moments were good. Moments spent with loved ones. Moments spent thinking deeply about work… love… art. But some moments. Some moments…] THE END. JK. This is a film about a bunch of secret agent guinea pigs (and a mole (and a fly)) who have been created by Zach Galifianakis. He’s worried that the US government is going to shut the program down because he’s spending millions on sciencing up these animals without much to show for it… until now. They decide to go in and get the details on the dastardly plot of a tech corporation called Saber. This goes swimmingly and they find a plan to weaponize appliances across the world secretly installed on Saber’s computer chips. Unfortunately when they show the chip to the G-men coming to shut them down the plan is nowhere to be seen. Before the government can take them into custody they escape in a delivery truck that happens to go directly to a pet store. Hilarity ensues… and by that I mean that the mole is killed trying to escape and two of the GPigs (as the kids call them) are sold off rambunctious kids. Our hero GPig, Darwin, goes after the others and with the help of an untrained GPig from the store are able to get the others in hand and make their way back to Saber to infect the mainframe and stop the plan. There they find that the head of the company is totally unaware of the plan. Instead it was their own mole who was a mole in the corporation and set the whole thing up. He wasn’t dead at all! Saboteur! They all do battle and eventually the mole sees the error of his ways and the plan is stopped. The government is grateful and they all become official agents. Hooray. THE END.
Ugh. Really, ugh. I sometimes forget what it’s like to watch an adult movie (not that kind… I mean like I Don’t Know How She Does It) compared to something like G-Force. IDKHSDI looks like Hamlet in comparison. G-Force is like something made for a sales pitch for cheap television shows. It seriously looks like they took the real actors and stuck them in front of a camera in extreme closeup and had them say a bunch of lines so they could just throw them in wherever they needed between scenes of fake animals skateboarding or whatever. Everything in this is complete nonsense… although… the company that made it obviously knew what they were doing. Their passion was talking animals and boy did they know how to make some CGI animals. Anyway, I watched this on a plane when I could have been sleeping. What a shame.
Hot Take Clam Bake! This isn’t even a hot take. It’s the cold hard truth. The ending to this film was changed. The mole has faked his death and then is revealed to be… the mole. We see him all evil and shit talking about evil stuff. Suddenly, in the middle of battling our heroes he has a change of heart. But go back and watch the end… the rest of the fight the CGI mole is still attempting to stop the heroes from saving the day. Why? Because they realized they couldn’t kill an animal onscreen in a children’s movie. Apparently they only realized this after it was too late and they had to try to obscure the truth by flash and trickery. Cowards! I want justice. Release the Murder Cut of G-Force! Hot Take Temperature: The snowy peaks of the Andes Mountains.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about a kids’ film?! But … we never talk about kids’ films. Why are we watching a bad kids’ film? Let’s go!
This movie is weird. Like … it is weird that it is even partially live action. I do have theories about this … do I go into that now? Probably.
So here’s my theory (which I think is supported by some of the other information you can find online). The director of the film was effectively pioneering a method to cheaply create live-action / CGI hybrid video so that eventually they could do television and stuff. So a lot of the film is created out of just tons of B-roll which then, whenever they needed, they would insert the CGI guinea pigs. But then the budget ballooned after Disney took over and started monkeying around and ultimately they were blamed for it and the company didn’t go anywhere. Basically my theory was this was a real Jimmy Neutron situation (where they actually did parlay their movie into, if I recall, a cheaply made but decent looking CGI television show), but in the end it wasn’t successful because it ended up just being a modest success and expensive instead of cheap.
As for the film: dumb. The voice acting is dumb, and there is a sexy guinea pig, and overall it is just no bueno.
That being said, I was surprised at how well put together some of it was in the first half. Like, it looked shockingly good.
But you could see the seams at times. Specifically, there is a moment where they claim they navigated by the stars, but the characters appeared to have only traveled during the day. Clearly there was originally a big part in the middle involving a nighttime scene they either didn’t get to, cut, or overlooked. It is stuff like that where you are like … oh yeah, this film is kind of barely there.
Did I say the voice acting is dumb? Mostly just people using their own voices, and then a few who went really over the top (Nic Cage? Doing such an odd voice as to be almost unrecognizable … so much so I wondered if he just hired a proxy voice actor to do the entire thing and banked the difference as naming rights).
You know what? I’m going to toss out the fat farting guinea pig voiced by Favreau as a Planchet (Who?) and you can’t stop me. Naturally there is a solid MacGuffin (Why?) for the PDA / virus that the G-Force is going after in the beginning and throughout the film. And a Worst Twist (How?) for the ultimate conclusion that obviously Nic Cage as the star-nosed mole was the bad guy all along. This movie, like nearly all bad kids’ films, is just boring and bad
Read about my sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
The Sklogs.
Bad Movie Twins 