Smaddies Baddies V

It has become an annual tradition. On the anniversary of the start of Bad Movie Thursday we take a look back at the year in review. With a name that’s just as bad as the films it honors it is ….

Smaddies Baddies! Smaddies Baddies! Ah what a year. We watched all of the Friday the 13th films, smashed some terrible sequels, started the Periodic Table of Smellements, and brought along some friends to see whether we are missing any borderline BMT film genres (we aren’t). And naturally no year would be complete without watching the worst of the worst of 2017 including quite literally the most awkward theater experience possible while watching Fifty Shades Darker. Remember, any film we watched in 2017 qualifies. Smaddies Baddies, what films do we want to bestow the highest honor in all of Hollywood (er … Minnesota and London as least)?

As usual let’s start with the sci-tech awards of the BMT world: the special awards using the 6W’s template. Let’s go!

The I Know Who Killed Me Best Twins Ever Baddie (Who?) goes to Baby Geniuses as the best good twin film of the year, but what’s this?! Superman III comes swooping in with Evil Superman! It’s a tie! What an upset, is Evil Superman even a twin? … Doesn’t matter because if he isn’t then he’s the best out-of-nowhere character in history and single-handedly makes Superman III a hilarious BMT romp. Thank you Evil Superman, you are the best.

The Adam Sandler Memorial Product Placement Baddie Brought to You By Subway, Eat Fresh! (What?) Literally, Beverly Hillbillies has the greatest product placement I think we’ve ever seen. Just, in the middle of a party, Jethro Bodine, orders a six-foot subway sub to chow down on. If you don’t mind horrible quality YouTube videos, here it is. Impressive, I hope they got paid handsomely for this, because it is nuts.

The When in Rome Setting as a Character Baddie (Where?) This year we had a veritable bounty of choices for settings, but only one served as a truly terrible advertisement for an amusement park, city, and state! Jaws 3D took us away from quaint Amity Island and right to Seaworld, where the tourism board promises one thing: you will be eaten by a large shark as a direct consequence of the negligence of the staff who works there. Excellent job Seaworld, I hope you got paid for that shit.

The Marion Cobretti Memorial Secret Holiday Film Baddie (When?) Again, we had a bountiful harvest of bad movie holiday films this year. We had a Columbus Day film (Rings), a Memorial Day film (That’s My Boy … although it was supposed to be a Patriots Day film we think considering it ends during the Boston Marathon), but nothing managed to beat the one-two combination of both I Know What You Did Last Summer and its sequel I Still Know What You Did Last Summer taking place on July 4th. Happy Fourth o’ Juuuuuuuulaaaaaaaaaay.

The Street Fighter Legend of Chun Li Best McGuffin Baddie (Why?) You would be shocked to hear how many ridiculous McGuffins we encountered this year. The Fountain of Youth and Poseidon’s Trident in the Pirates of the Caribbean series, Omicron’s scepter in the newest Transformers film, a world destroying machine in Lara Croft … And yet it all pales in the face of the original Obsidian Dongle (as we call it) in Big Momma Like Father Like Son. A USB drive with, well … something important on it that everyone just needs to get their hands on, what more could you ask for in a bad movie? A plot?! Naw, I’ll take the Obsidian Dongle every time.

The 88 Minutes Starring Leelee Sobieski Worst Twist Baddie (How?) This category was of fierce debate at BMTHQ, but given the amount of play a certain type of twist got amongst the BMT recaps in the last few months, only one terrible twist would do: Don’t help the little girl ghosts! In both Rings and One Missed Call our intrepid protagonists discover a terrible secret: the ghosts haunting them were abused and died in terrible pain, calling out for anyone to help them. So naturally our gifted investigators will help them out, free them from their tormentors, and break the curse! Oops, don’t help the little girl ghosts, idiots. Obviously they are just using you to spread their hate. You dumb. Don’t help the little girl ghosts! We’ve seen this twist three time (!) in the last year, and it never gets any better.

Phew. Now onto the big awards, now officially based on The Good, The Bad and The BMT (plus Live!). And without further ado:

The Freddy Got Fingered Surprisingly Good Baddie (The Good) Nominees: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Species, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Table 19, Beverly Hillbillies.

And the Winner is: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. Not only was Friday the 13th the most fun we had with a series in BMT, but the supernatural bent of the seventh film managed to bring the first formidable good guy to face off against the unstoppable force of zombie Jason. Is it the best of the series? Not by a long shot, but for us it was the most fun (while also being one of the spookiest of the (admittedly not very scary) series as well).

The Strange Wilderness Unpleasantly Terrible Baddie (The Bad) Nominees: It’s Pat, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, The Emoji Movie

And the Winner is: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. This was a close one, but the Friday series pulls off the double! This film is the Halloween 3 of its own series, a reboot of a kind where they try and shed the main antagonist of the series and fail miserably. Is it the worst films we saw? No, It’s Pat is more poorly made and offensive. But this was a slap in the face to Friday fans, and there is no denying that we became fans of the series by the sixth film. That slap still stings A New Beginning, unforgivable.

The Here on Earth Most BMT Baddie (The BMT) Nominees: The Bye Bye Man, Fifty Shades Darker, Superman III, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Big Momma Like Father Like Son

And the Winner is: The Bye Bye Man! Don’t think it. Don’t say it. Don’t think it. Don’t say it. What is better than a horror film which makes you laugh? A horror film that posits the twist that you just don’t have to fear him to stop him … and then throws it away right at the end because you can’t think of an ending. I legit laughed at the monster. The movie just never quits being not-scary. Movies like this is what made me become a fan of the genre, making scary things is hard so when it is done well it is amazing, but the margin of error is thin. I think this is the enduring film of the year for us, it is that funny.

The Jack and Jill Worst of 2017 Baddie (The BMT Live!) Nominees: Fifty Shades Darker, The Bye Bye Man, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Emoji Movie, Geostorm

And the Winner is: Fifty Shades Darker. The most awkward theater experience of my life has to be rewarded somehow. Sitting there like a creeper listening to that bomb soundtrack and transcending this mortal plane. What is more Jack and Jill than looking deep within oneself and thinking “this movie is not made for me … and yet I am trapped here watching it … this is unpleasant”? That is why Fifty Shades Darker is the best-worst of 2017. And guess what … we get to watch Fifty Shades Freed this week! Ah, what a terrible life we lead.

Smaddies Baddies, Smaddies Baddies. I love it when a wide array of films gets recognized. As usual, for those of you who fell asleep for the announcements: Watch the Friday the 13th series, Superman III, and The Bye Bye Man. Skip Fifty Shades Darker, Rings, and Jaws 3D. Actually, you know what? Watch them all, you know you want to, become like us, become the monsters you hate!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: