Chernobyl Diaries Quiz

Last week we did some Xtreme sports, and this week a quiz about Xtreme tourism. Well, grab your Geiger counter, it’s quiz time.

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

  1. On their extreme tourism adventure into the heart of Chernobyl country Uri takes our heroes on a tour of Pripyat. Where were they supposed to go instead and why?
  2. How many people went on this 4-hour-turned-4-ever tour with Uri in the Zombie Apocalypse on Gilligan’s Island very special television event (better twist than we actually got, imagine if at the end it turned out to be some Eastern European reality show)?
  3. When exploring an apartment building Uri sees three things that freak him out and cause him to rush everyone back to the van. One point each for identifying what concerned Uri about the town and building in particular that made him cut the tour short?
  4. After getting trapped in the town the group decided to be a bunch of dummies like the dummies that they are and stay around overnight like dummies. How far does Uri say the checkpoint is when they discover the van has been sabotaged?
  5. Ultimately after discovering a large band of mutants roaming the abandoned town the last two survivors, Paul and Amanda, are forced through a series of steam tunnels and into the abandoned reactor itself. Who are the “monsters” of the film, and what is the deal with the town itself? And I’m not just asking because the movie is very confusing … but also my answer might be wrong.

Spooky scary indeed. My bro doesn’t scare easy though and got them all right, how about you?

Answers

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Smaddies Baddies V

It has become an annual tradition. On the anniversary of the start of Bad Movie Thursday we take a look back at the year in review. With a name that’s just as bad as the films it honors it is ….

Smaddies Baddies! Smaddies Baddies! Ah what a year. We watched all of the Friday the 13th films, smashed some terrible sequels, started the Periodic Table of Smellements, and brought along some friends to see whether we are missing any borderline BMT film genres (we aren’t). And naturally no year would be complete without watching the worst of the worst of 2017 including quite literally the most awkward theater experience possible while watching Fifty Shades Darker. Remember, any film we watched in 2017 qualifies. Smaddies Baddies, what films do we want to bestow the highest honor in all of Hollywood (er … Minnesota and London as least)?

As usual let’s start with the sci-tech awards of the BMT world: the special awards using the 6W’s template. Let’s go!


The I Know Who Killed Me Best Twins Ever Baddie (Who?) goes to Baby Geniuses as the best good twin film of the year, but what’s this?! Superman III comes swooping in with Evil Superman! It’s a tie! What an upset, is Evil Superman even a twin? … Doesn’t matter because if he isn’t then he’s the best out-of-nowhere character in history and single-handedly makes Superman III a hilarious BMT romp. Thank you Evil Superman, you are the best.

The Adam Sandler Memorial Product Placement Baddie Brought to You By Subway, Eat Fresh! (What?) Literally, Beverly Hillbillies has the greatest product placement I think we’ve ever seen. Just, in the middle of a party, Jethro Bodine, orders a six-foot subway sub to chow down on. If you don’t mind horrible quality YouTube videos, here it is. Impressive, I hope they got paid handsomely for this, because it is nuts.

The When in Rome Setting as a Character Baddie (Where?) This year we had a veritable bounty of choices for settings, but only one served as a truly terrible advertisement for an amusement park, city, and state! Jaws 3D took us away from quaint Amity Island and right to Seaworld, where the tourism board promises one thing: you will be eaten by a large shark as a direct consequence of the negligence of the staff who works there. Excellent job Seaworld, I hope you got paid for that shit.

The Marion Cobretti Memorial Secret Holiday Film Baddie (When?) Again, we had a bountiful harvest of bad movie holiday films this year. We had a Columbus Day film (Rings), a Memorial Day film (That’s My Boy … although it was supposed to be a Patriots Day film we think considering it ends during the Boston Marathon), but nothing managed to beat the one-two combination of both I Know What You Did Last Summer and its sequel I Still Know What You Did Last Summer taking place on July 4th. Happy Fourth o’ Juuuuuuuulaaaaaaaaaay.

The Street Fighter Legend of Chun Li Best McGuffin Baddie (Why?) You would be shocked to hear how many ridiculous McGuffins we encountered this year. The Fountain of Youth and Poseidon’s Trident in the Pirates of the Caribbean series, Omicron’s scepter in the newest Transformers film, a world destroying machine in Lara Croft … And yet it all pales in the face of the original Obsidian Dongle (as we call it) in Big Momma Like Father Like Son. A USB drive with, well … something important on it that everyone just needs to get their hands on, what more could you ask for in a bad movie? A plot?! Naw, I’ll take the Obsidian Dongle every time.

The 88 Minutes Starring Leelee Sobieski Worst Twist Baddie (How?) This category was of fierce debate at BMTHQ, but given the amount of play a certain type of twist got amongst the BMT recaps in the last few months, only one terrible twist would do: Don’t help the little girl ghosts! In both Rings and One Missed Call our intrepid protagonists discover a terrible secret: the ghosts haunting them were abused and died in terrible pain, calling out for anyone to help them. So naturally our gifted investigators will help them out, free them from their tormentors, and break the curse! Oops, don’t help the little girl ghosts, idiots. Obviously they are just using you to spread their hate. You dumb. Don’t help the little girl ghosts! We’ve seen this twist three time (!) in the last year, and it never gets any better.


Phew. Now onto the big awards, now officially based on The Good, The Bad and The BMT (plus Live!). And without further ado:

The Freddy Got Fingered Surprisingly Good Baddie (The Good) Nominees: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Species, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Table 19, Beverly Hillbillies.

And the Winner is: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood. Not only was Friday the 13th the most fun we had with a series in BMT, but the supernatural bent of the seventh film managed to bring the first formidable good guy to face off against the unstoppable force of zombie Jason. Is it the best of the series? Not by a long shot, but for us it was the most fun (while also being one of the spookiest of the (admittedly not very scary) series as well).

The Strange Wilderness Unpleasantly Terrible Baddie (The Bad) Nominees: It’s Pat, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, The Emoji Movie

And the Winner is: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning. This was a close one, but the Friday series pulls off the double! This film is the Halloween 3 of its own series, a reboot of a kind where they try and shed the main antagonist of the series and fail miserably. Is it the worst films we saw? No, It’s Pat is more poorly made and offensive. But this was a slap in the face to Friday fans, and there is no denying that we became fans of the series by the sixth film. That slap still stings A New Beginning, unforgivable.

The Here on Earth Most BMT Baddie (The BMT) Nominees: The Bye Bye Man, Fifty Shades Darker, Superman III, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, Big Momma Like Father Like Son

And the Winner is: The Bye Bye Man! Don’t think it. Don’t say it. Don’t think it. Don’t say it. What is better than a horror film which makes you laugh? A horror film that posits the twist that you just don’t have to fear him to stop him … and then throws it away right at the end because you can’t think of an ending. I legit laughed at the monster. The movie just never quits being not-scary. Movies like this is what made me become a fan of the genre, making scary things is hard so when it is done well it is amazing, but the margin of error is thin. I think this is the enduring film of the year for us, it is that funny.

The Jack and Jill Worst of 2017 Baddie (The BMT Live!) Nominees: Fifty Shades Darker, The Bye Bye Man, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Emoji Movie, Geostorm

And the Winner is: Fifty Shades Darker. The most awkward theater experience of my life has to be rewarded somehow. Sitting there like a creeper listening to that bomb soundtrack and transcending this mortal plane. What is more Jack and Jill than looking deep within oneself and thinking “this movie is not made for me … and yet I am trapped here watching it … this is unpleasant”? That is why Fifty Shades Darker is the best-worst of 2017. And guess what … we get to watch Fifty Shades Freed this week! Ah, what a terrible life we lead.

Smaddies Baddies, Smaddies Baddies. I love it when a wide array of films gets recognized. As usual, for those of you who fell asleep for the announcements: Watch the Friday the 13th series, Superman III, and The Bye Bye Man. Skip Fifty Shades Darker, Rings, and Jaws 3D. Actually, you know what? Watch them all, you know you want to, become like us, become the monsters you hate!

Hall of Fame Speech #10: I Know Who Killed Me

Brief note before we start: last July we got together and worked out a second class to be inducted into the Smaddies Baddies BMT Hall of Fame. It has been nearly seven years since we started BMT and the films we had seen more than five years ago, in some cases, deserved a rewatch and reassessment. This is the last installment leading up to the fifth (seventh?) Smaddies Baddies bringing you previews and Hall of Fame Speeches for the five films chosen. We close with the Lindsay Lohan redemption story (er … strike that, this turned out to be the final nail in the coffin … whoops!) I Know Who Killed Me. The intention is to reminisce a bit about what we remember about the film, what we think of it now, and why it deserved a special place in BMT history. Enjoy!

Hall of Fame Induction Speech for I Know Who Killed Me

If there is one thing the Bad Movie Twins love it is twin films. A classic in its own right this serial killer thriller was meant to be a redemption story for its star Lindsay Lohan, an actress who, at the time, was haunted by stories of outrageous behavior and drug use. Instead, the exploitative film turned out to be the last thing studios needed to see to confirm Lohan’s career was, for all intents and purposes, dead. The Bad Movie Twins pride ourselves in finding the wonderful badmovieness in even the most non-thrilling of thrillers, but sometimes you have to recognize greatness. This is a bad movie fan’s bad movie, the kind you just marvel at, so consider its induction more of a victory lap if anything.

As was the case with all of the Hall of Fame movies it has been over five years since we saw the film, so what did I remember?

  • The ultimate twin film! That’s right, Lindsay Lohan plays two girls who are, in fact, stigmata twins. She answers the age old question “if I hurt your twin do you feel it?” with a resounding YES.
  • The entire film is colored blue and red. It is quite in your face, which is basically because the director was not very experienced.
  • The killer is super telegraphed. Like it is obviously her piano teacher, he cuts off her hand and leg … which she is using to play the piano earlier in the film.
  • Yet another Neal McDonough film! He is just a jewel, savor him, he only has so many movies left to watch.
  • ROBOT ARM AND ROBOT LEG. That’s right, in the film Lohan almost inexplicably receives a futuristic robot arm and robot leg. You may wonder: wait? When does this movie take place? The near future I guess. It never quits, and it is almost entirely for budgetary purposes and it is awesome.

As usual I tried to keep the first and last entries as the most important. The twin film aspect of it is legendary. At the time we watched this we didn’t really have an idea of Twin Films or even that we were the Bad Movie Twins. We just had Bad Movie Thursday. We didn’t even have an email let alone a full-blown website. The stigmata twin aspect of the film is probably foundational to identifying elements of films that we couldn’t help but love. Black Eyed Peas, the Calendar, the Smellements, possibly all ultimately came from us personally identifying with twin films and trying to recapture that moment of just loving something in a profoundly illogical way.

The robot arm and robot leg on the other hand is completely unparalleled in bad movie lore. There is no other set piece in a bad movie that is as delightful as this (definitely budgetary) choice to give Lohan a robot arm and leg to drag around after getting them stigmatically removed by her sister’s torturer. They have to be plugged in and thus slow her down at times, it allows her to have a kind of super strength in other instances, and best of all it sets the film in some near future where this stuff not only exists, but is accessible to a high school student. For all I know it does exist! It leaves so many more questions than answers it kind of saves the middle of a film from being just boring as Lohan tries and figure out why she is hanging with this family she doesn’t know.

So how did the rewatch go? As you can kind of tell by my excitement above, it obviously went super well. Is the movie a bit slow at times? Yes. Is it gross and exploitative and make you feel terrible? It does! I actually did forget about that bit. The idea that this was supposed to allow Lohan back into the limelight by having her strip and show her “adult” side is just so misguided considering her main issue at the time was drugs and alcohol. But overall the film has to be the worst major serial killer film you can watch. As a plus you get to hang out with Lohan and McDonough in the slow bits, so it is still pretty fun even when it is a run-of-the-mill mystery thriller.

And there were some great bits I totally forgot about. Just how gross the film is is hard to describe. It is fully in the body horror genre at times, which is possibly my least favorite genre (maybe torture porn, but who can choose?). And there is an aspect of the direction I also forgot about: the mirror shot. We’ve watched a few films which use this conceit. Torque I think used mirror shots somewhat ironically, and Color of Night very earnestly. This is closer to Color of Night and kind of shows that the director just wasn’t really ready for a major motion picture, he was using directorial stylings from early-90s erotic thrillers. Might as well have shown us some Bruce Willis dong while you’re at it.

This film is the quintessential twin film and the quintessential bonkers set piece film. For the twin film aspect and the robot arm and robot leg the movie would easily slide head first into the Hall of Fame. But add that mirror shot directorial choice and it solidifies its place as the top of the serial killer bad movie genre. Congrats I Know Who Killed Me, you did it.

I Know Who Killed Me Preview

A small note prior to this post: Once again we take a look back at the movies that we watched over five years ago and choose a Hall of Fame class, five movies that we thought embodied BMT in some way. Perhaps they were particularly bad, or an example of a specific bad movie trope, whatever, something made them stand out as special in our minds. Since we didn’t do email previews back in 2011/2012 we also decided to provide a preview for the movie as well. This is the final preview in a series of five leading up to our yearly awards the Smaddies Baddies. A recap (Hall of Fame speech really) will follow immediate afterwards to explain why the movie was chosen, things we loved about the movie, and things we discovered upon second viewing. Enjoy!

I Know Who Killed Me (2007) – BMeTric: 81.5

IKnowWhoKilledMe_BMeT

IKnowWhoKilledMe_RV

(Something happened at the start of ‘08ish. The number of votes just stalls for what appears to be several months. At the same time the rating all of a sudden jumps up and then jumps back down once another archived page is sampled. My guess? Someone was gaming the system trying to get the rating for the movie to jump up, and IMDb got wise to it and locked down the page. After a bit they purged the fake votes and it returned to being one of the worst films of all time. The End.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  Hopeless thriller in which a young woman is kidnapped and terrorized by a serial killer. When she wakes up in a hospital, she tries to convince everyone she is not who they think she is. Woefully inept, with an incoherent plot and incompetent cinematography.

(Directly to the point. Basically this movie isn’t just acted poorly, or written poorly, it is technically poorly made and it is crazy inept. Inept filmmaking. This is what we are here for boys.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZgwl7nlP5E

(Wowzer. That trailer looks terrible. The story could be interesting, but the way it is presented is decidedly not interesting. It makes it look unintentionally funny. Almost like 88 minutes actually. Interesting concept but obviously not well made or cared for.)

Directors – Chris Sivertson – (Known For: All Cheerleaders Die; The Lost; BMT: I Know Who Killed Me; Razzie Notes: Won for Worst Director for I Know Who Killed Me in 2008; Notes: There is surprisingly little information about this guy. He broke onto the scene doing small horror films, had a flurry of films including this one around 2007, and since they has done relatively minor releases.)

Writers – Jeff Hammond (written by) (as Jeffrey Hammond) – (BMT: I Know Who Killed Me; Razzie Notes: Won for Worst Screenplay for I Know Who Killed Me in 2008; Notes: Now this guy … yeah there is nothing about this guy. Literally nothing. I did stumble onto a few weird script review sites … but couldn’t find anything about him. The only article on Variety is the announcement for this film. WHO ARE YOU?!)

Actors – Lindsay Lohan – (Known For: Mean Girls; The Parent Trap; The Holiday; Freaky Friday; Machete; Herbie Fully Loaded; Bobby; A Prairie Home Companion; Future BMT: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen; The Canyons; Just My Luck; InAPPropriate Comedy; Chapter 27; BMT: Scary Movie 5; I Know Who Killed Me; Georgia Rule; Razzie Notes: Won for Worst Actress, and Worst Screen Couple for I Know Who Killed Me in 2008; Nominated for Worst Actress in 2007 for Just My Luck; and in 2014 for The Canyons; Nominated for Worst Supporting Actress in 2014 for InAPPropriate Comedy, and Scary Movie 5; Nominated for Worst Screen Combo for Scary Movie 5 in 2014; and Nominated for Worst Actress of the Decade in 2010 for Herbie Fully Loaded, I Know Who Killed Me, and Just My Luck; Notes: This film was meant to catapult her from teenage star to serious actress. But it managed to be a final nail in the coffin for her career at the time. It looks like perhaps she’s making a good move starring in 8 episodes of the Rupert Grint / Nick Frost television series Sick Note. Television could be the place to stage a comeback.)

Julia Ormond – (Known For: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Legends of the Fall; Inland Empire; My Week with Marilyn; First Knight; Sabrina; The East; Che: Part One; Chained; Albatross; Kit Kittredge: An American Girl; Surveillance; Smilla’s Feeling for Snow; The Music Never Stopped; Nostradamus; The Prime Gig; Future BMT: Rememory; BMT: I Know Who Killed Me; Razzie Notes: Nominated for Worst Supporting Actress for I Know Who Killed Me in 2008; Notes: The was the next big thing among British actresses in the mid-90s, and has since then made a fine transition into television primarily. Has a great track record all things considered.)

Neal McDonough – (Known For: Captain America: The First Avenger; Minority Report; 1922; RED 2; Flags of Our Fathers; Star Trek: First Contact; Darkman; Ravenous; Greater; Traitor; Falcon Rising; Little Birds; Future BMT: The Hitcher; Angels in the Outfield; Walking Tall; Telling You; The Last Time; Three Wishes; BMT: I Know Who Killed Me; Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li; Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2; Fire Down Below; Timeline; 88 Minutes; The Guardian; Notes: A true BMT legend. One of the first actors I remember noticing being in an inordinate number of BMT films. People like him make me wonder about the best path to managing a career. He has been in an amazing number of terrible films, but I think he is a great actor, and he not only stars in a multitude of television series (Suits, Legends of Tomorrow, Arrow recently), but has five films coming out next year. How do you do it!?)

Budget/Gross – $12 million / Domestic: $7,498,716 (Worldwide: $9,669,758)

(A complete and utter bomb. It was known to be one of the worst films ever made when it was release, so it is no surprise no one went for it, despite the creepy promise of Lindsay Lohan being in some sort of strip club scene.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 7% (5/75): Distasteful and ludicrously plotted, I Know Who Killed Me is a career nadir for all involved — particularly Lindsay Lohan in a dual role.

(Distasteful, tawdy, vile. Some of the words used to describe this film by critics. And honestly? It rings true. It was all of those things from what I can remember.)

Poster – I Sklog Who Killed Me (B)

i_know_who_killed_me

(The pros: I like the color scheme. I like the symmetry. Reminds me of classic 90s thrillers. The cons: The photoshop with the faces looks like crap. The flower looks cheap. The font looks like cheap 90s thrillers and it too easily mimicked. I’m going to bump it up to a B because if I saw this from across the street and I was in the mood for a thriller this immediately gets me curious and interested in seeing the film.)

Tagline(s) – If you think you know the secret…Think twice. (F)

(Boooo. I’m going to give it a bit of a pass because the poster itself is actually tagline-less, so it is less consequential. But this is a terrible tagline even if it does hint at the stigmata twin twist. I assume that is the secret. Also all of the twists in the film are glaringly obvious, so it isn’t even good from that perspective.)

Keyword(s) – stripper; Top Ten by BMeTric: 84.2 Piranha 3DD (2012); 81.5 I Know Who Killed Me (2007); 79.8 Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000); 78.7 Striptease (1996); 77.7 Universal Soldier: The Return (1999); 73.2 Showgirls (1995); 71.9 Zombie Strippers (2008); 68.4 Stan Helsing (2009); 67.5 It’s Pat: The Movie (1994); 66.4 The Crow: City of Angels (1996);

(Gross! We’ve seen Striptease, and will have to do a Showgirls viewing at some point as well for the record (at least one of us has definitely seen that one). The rest are kind of throwaway, which is actually weirdly disappointing. You’d think there would be better bad movies with stripping in it.)

Notes – Lindsay Lohan’s legal issues became a problem during filming as there were some days were she would either show up late or not show up at all, it got so out of hand that Chris Sivertson was forced to use a body double and digitally replace her face with Lohan’s while filming the climax of the film for the days she was not on set. (This was I think for drugs? I don’t think this was the stealing one)

Blue objects are dominant throughout the runtime of the picture (as the color represents Aubrey’s personality). In the first 35 minutes alone we see Aubrey’s dark blue shirt, along with her blue dress, blue gloves, a blue pill, blue football uniforms, football fans wearing blue sports shirts and blue body paint, Thomas Tofel’s blue ring, a blue mouth gag, a blue laptop bag, a blue cat collar, Aubrey’s blue Lexus car, Thomas’s blue car, blue tools of torture, a blue solution poured on a hand, blue everything in an operating room, a blue hospital gown, a blue iPod, blue roses, a blue pen with blue ink, a blue photo album, blue walls in a classroom, and blue hospital walls, even some characters have blue eyes. (Yup, it is super in your face, overwhelming, and honestly amateurish)

Lindsay Lohan actually took pole-dancing lessons to prepare for her role as a stripper but because of her strict no-nudity clause in her contract she was not willing to strip nude for the film. (Good for her I say. Don’t do it for some schlock like this at least. Perhaps for something you are proud of with a purpose to it all)

This is the third time Lindsay Lohan played two characters in one film. Her first time was as Hallie Parker and Annie James in The Parent Trap (1998) where she played twins and her second time was in Freaky Friday (2003) where she played mother and daughter Anna Coleman and Tess Coleman, whose bodies were swapped after an unfortunate Chinese curse.

In the first week of production, filming was halted after Lindsay Lohan had her appendix removed, filming was delayed even longer after the incision was infected and the filmmakers were waiting for a doctor’s approval for Lohan to continue working. This occured at the same time Lohan entered rehab for the first time in January 2007. Filming finally resumed in February. (Drugs, the above not was definitely about drugs)

Held the record for the most Razzie Award “wins” by one film in a single year, with 8 awards including Worst Picture of 2007. A record that was previously held by both Battlefield Earth (2000) and Showgirls (1995) and was later broken by the Adam Sandler comedy Jack and Jill (2011) (another movie where the lead actor plays two characters), with an incredible ten awards, including Worst Picture of 2011. The film received 9 nominations and only won 8 of those awards, the only award the film lost was Worst Supporting Actress for Julia Ormond who lost the award to Eddie Murphy for his role in drag in Norbit (2007). (The Jack and Jill “victory” was a crime in my opinion. Bucky Larson was a worse film that year)

Was not screened in advance for critics.

Because of her negative reputation, Lindsay Lohan could not even walk to her trailer without the paparazzi photographing her, sometimes they would even end up in the background of some shots of the film.

The only film that received an “F” CinemaScore from audiences upon its release in 2007. (I assume that is “in 2007” specifically. Mother! this year joined that club if I recall correctly)

Lindsay Lohan’s DUI arrest in late July 2007 prevented her from doing promotion for this movie. She was scheduled to appear as a guest star on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992) to promote the film. (DUI! Had to be drugs or alcohol related to involve rehab)

Scenes in the trailer that didn’t appear in the theatrical cut include Jerrod (Brian Geraghty) talking to Aubrey about her story “Dakota” and stating “Aubrey you talk about her like she’s real, it’s a stupid assignment for class” and an unidentified character talking to another character and saying “she looks just like her but it ain’t Aubrey”.

Chris Sivertson took inspiration from the works of David Lynch, Brian De Palma, and Alfred Hitchcock incorporating their use of surrealistic imagery and creative color choices for the film.

Jeff Hammond’s first (and last) film as a screenplay writer. (awwwww, but I can’t really feel that bad. You wrong I Know Who Killed Me, what did you expect?)

Chris Sivertson’s favorite works such as Vertigo (1958), Blue Velvet (1986), Dressed to Kill (1980), and Twin Peaks (1990) all served as inspiration for this film.

Film debut of YouTube celebrity Jessica Lee Rose.

Shay Aster, Leslie Cohen, Dan Walters, and Clint Johnson all played supporting characters in the film though their scenes ended up on the cutting room floor.

Oddly, while most store-exclusive bonus discs with special features are included in an envelope in the case, the bonus disc with cast and crew interviews for this film was instead included in it’s own case separate from the film. (Very odd … that was sarcastic by the way)

In Aubrey’s bedroom seen throughout the film, if looking closely behind her door, you can spot a familiar purple guitar leaning against the dresser drawer. Not only is purple a color made from combining blue and red, the two dominant colors of the film, it’s also the same guitar that appears on the cover of Lindsay Lohan’s album “Speak.”

When Dakota is about to do a Google search on Aubrey’s laptop, she finds it’s locked with a password and somehow figures out what it was. The password was actually Dakota, named after her story of the same name. Although we don’t see the password on the screen, if looking closely at the keys Dakota is typing, you can see she’s hitting the letters that spell that name. (excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. She does not do a Google search. This movie takes place in an alternate universe in which Ask.com has won the search engine wars and is a groudbreaking technology)

According to behind the scenes interviews, during the interrogation of Daniel Fleming by detectives searching for a missing Aubrey, a mural containing several paintings and drawings can be seen right behind Daniel as he’s talking to them. This mural’s paintings actually contain several clues and hints towards the twists and turns that will happen in the film.

In her hospital room, after Dakota has been treated, she is interrogated by a psychiatrist. He starts asking Dakota questions and writes her answers down in a notepad divided in half, with various bits of info on Aubrey written in blue while Dakota’s answers are written in red.

The Flemings and Dakota are driven home from the hospital by the police to avoid the reporters, while in the backseat, Dakota’s face is lit up, alternately, in blue and red from the police car sirens. This is supposed to be a motif that plays on the idea on whether or not she is really Aubrey or Dakota. (This shit is just bonkers. Just ridiculous stuff)

The original ending revealed that the characters Aubrey and Dakota were not real and that the entire film was simply an unnamed college student’s script (also played by Lindsay Lohan). This ending was cut after test audiences found it “too predictable” (it is included on the DVD and Blu-ray extras). (Jesus Christ, you gonna Jacob’s Ladder this thing?)

The neon sign above the strip club entrance malfunctions with the arm and the leg fading in and out, a foreshadowing technique for the fact that Aubrey and Dakota have their arms and legs amputated. (Robot arm and robot leg, the best part of this crazy bad film)

Jeff Hammond said his main inspiration for writing the screenplay was to write a story that featured the concept of stigmatic twins, siblings with a psychic connection that lets them feel each other’s pain and experiences. Producer Frank Mancuso Jr. saw this script and helped get it greenlit for production because he was impressed by the original concept. (Stigmata twiiiins. Maybe the best twin film of all time)

Several moments in the film allude to the idea of doubles, or two halves. Aubrey at one point mentions that she feels like half of her soul is missing, a student in the biology class asks if cutting a worm in half will result in two more worms, and the motorist who rescues Dakota off the side of the road talks over the phone about feeling like “half a person”, all of which foreshadowes the revelation that Aubrey and Dakota are psychic twins.

Awards

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture of the Decade

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Actress of the Decade (Lindsay Lohan)

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan)

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Actress (Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan)

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Screen Couple (Lindsay Lohan)

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Remake or Rip-Off

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Chris Sivertson)

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Jeff Hammond)

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Julia Ormond)

Hall of Fame Speech #6: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Brief note before we start: last July we got together and worked out a second class to be inducted into the Smaddies Baddies BMT Hall of Fame. It has been nearly seven years since we started BMT and the films we had seen more than five years ago, in some cases, deserved a rewatch and reassessment. Over the next five weeks leading up to the fifth (seventh?) Smaddies Baddies we’ll bring you previews and Hall of Fame Speeches for the five films chosen. This is the first, for the Uwe Boll classic video game adaptation In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. The intention is to reminisce a bit about what we remember about the film, what we think of it now, and why it deserved a special place in BMT history. Enjoy!

Hall of Fame Induction Speech for In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

For any BMT HoF film you can usually pinpoint one aspect of the film that made it a Hall of Famer. Battlefield Earth was the Icarus-like delusion of John Travolta. Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li is our introduction to our god and savior LudaChris Klein. Old Dogs is a plot so ridiculous that we cannot believe our eyes as we gaze upon its glory (oh… and also the Icarus-like delusion of John Travolta). For In the Name of the King it starts and ends with its cast. Statham (cool), Burt Reynolds (cooler), Matthew Lillard (coolest), Ray Liotta (hilarious scary mask face), and Leelee Sobieski (LEGEND). Read that list again. It’s incredible. Add on the fact that the film seems to be written by the 13-year-old Sklogs at the height of our LotR/Wheel of Time obsession and you’ve got gold.

As will be the case with all the BMT HoF films, it’s been five years since we watched this film. So let’s go through what I remember from that first viewing:

  • I remember this being a rare film recommended to us, rather than a pick of our own.
  • This is the only Uwe Boll film we’ve done. You would think he might have gotten a mention at the top, but we generally avoid directors/studios that purposefully wallow in the muck. When you have a Lillard/Liotta/Leelee starting rotation, though, you cannot be denied.
  • It has the single greatest ad libbed line, flubbed ad libbed response, and editing decision we’ve witnessed on film. Lillard is looking on as his minions fight and casually says, “they fight like dogs,” to the extra standing next to him. The extra seemingly panics and haltingly says, “Yes sire,” in response… and Boll kept it in. It’s like when a boom mike falls into frame in a major motion picture. No excuse for it being in the film. It’s so great that I remember the line OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD FIVE YEARS LATER.
  • Patrick completely predicted the ending. I did not. I blame my bad movie inexperience at the time.
  • Terrible practical effects that made all the bad guys look less like LotR orcs and more like putties from Power Rangers.

I guess what I was most interested in for this rewatch was getting a better sense of the film in its entirety. I remembered that line, I remembered that cast, I remembered how the film looked, but I didn’t really remember how it felt watching the film… oh boy. I’m not sure we appreciated just how horrendously bad everything about this movie is. It’s like The Room mixed with Gods and Generals mixed with Strange Wilderness. The lines are so serious, but nothing makes sense. They are sentences made up of words spoken by actors on film, but they are embarrassing 100% of the time. On top of this the film is interminably long. It’s over 2 hours of this garbage nonsense. I stared in wonder hoping and pleading with the gods (and generals) to have the film move forward. JUST MOVE! GO FASTER! So overall I would say that I didn’t remember the film being so infuriatingly horrible. Does that make it a HoFer? Not by itself.

That would be this cast. We have everything. We have Leelee deadpanning every line like we know she can. God she’s good and this is already her third (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) BMT HoF film. That’s a 30% rate of return from our girl Leelee. And she’s not even done! She has a guaranteed first-ballot HoFer in next year’s class! Makes me think we need to look into The Glass House just to make sure we don’t have a hidden gem there. On the other side we have Lillard. He is off the chainz for almost the entirety of the film. It’s impressive, so impressive that his performance overshadows Liotta’s scary mask face and random acts of screaming.

Speaking of Lillard, we do have to discuss that line. It is just as glorious as I remember. Maybe even more so. As he sits on his horse viewing the battlefield Lillard smirks and delivers the famous, “They fight like dogs.” You distinctly see the extra look startled for a moment and pause just long enough to make it awkward before mumbling, “Yes, sire.” I used to think this was a product of Lillard ad libbing and the extra being taken off guard. On the rewatch I’m flipping that assessment. This is almost certainly a written line, after which Lillard looks at the extra. I think this look is what prompted the flubbed ad lib. It seems to me that Lillard looking at the extra made him think he was supposed to say something and after wracking him mind for a second he came up with a half-hearted, “Yes, sire.” Why do I think it’s written? Earlier in the film Lillard and the King get a report from the field stating that the Krug have taken up arms. Lillard scoffs at this saying that this report would be as if they were told that dogs had taken up arms, to which the soldier responds, “They fight like men.” When I heard that my monocle fell out of my eye and straight into the pâté I was eating, spilling my large glass of Pinot Noir. It is the moon to the “They fight like dogs” sun.

This film straddles the line for a bad film and a BMT film. It’s got the cast and looks of a film that exemplifies what we strive for in BMT, but it also has the length and lines of one where you want to strangle yourself to death to escape the misery. It’s a very interesting dichotomy and one that is encountered often in the very worst of the “popular” bad films. The Room, Troll 2, and Plan 9 From Outer Space all hinge on those moments of joy that people remember, the insanity of the lines, and the moments that make you believe that the artist responsible is nothing less than insane. In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale has all that, while also having the incredible boredom of everything else. It is a classic bad movie with moments of BMT excellence and is a type of bad movie worthy of representation in the Hall of Fame.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale Preview

A small note prior to this post: Once again we take a look back at the movies that we watched over five years ago and choose a Hall of Fame class, five movies that we thought embodied BMT in some way. Perhaps they were particularly bad, or an example of a specific bad movie trope, whatever, something made them stand out as special in our minds. Since we didn’t do email previews back in 2011/2012 we also decided to provide a preview for the movie as well. This is the first in a series of five leading up to our yearly awards the Smaddies Baddies. A recap (Hall of Fame speech really) will follow immediate afterwards to explain why the movie was chosen, things we loved about the movie, and things we discovered upon second viewing. Enjoy!

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007) – BMeTric: 85.7

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(Wow that started low. The way this is fading makes me wonder how much actual legs this has in the end, but there is a reason this is one of the worst reviewed films on IMDb. Other than that not much else to say, classic legendary bad movie.)

Leonard Maltin – BOMB –  Reluctant warrior Statham joins forces with a brave king (Reynolds) to battle a treacherous usurper (Lillard) and a wicked wizard (Liotta). Another video-game-inspired fiasco from the unfortunately prolific Boll. Even with a bigger budget and better actors than usual, this is a plodding patchwork of haphazardly edited action sequences. Alternate version runs 162 min.

(I will likely try and watch the (gulp) three hour cut. Jamie owns it, although on Blu-Ray I think. Regardless that cut it likely happening and I will not enjoy. Deep burn on Uwe, but that is expected since Uwe is a terrible filmmaker who has been openly ridiculed by critics for years.)

Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7Um98FZei8

(You can kind of see the ridiculousness of the fight scenes in this film from the trailer. And you can kind of see how ridiculous everyone’s costumes are. But they keep this generic-fantasy for now. Smart.)

Directors – Uwe Boll – (Future BMT: Alone in the Dark; House of the Dead; BloodRayne; Postal; Blackwoods; Bailout: The Age of Greed; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Razzie Notes: Won for Worst Director in 2009 for In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Postal, and Tunnel Rats; Nominated for Worst Director in 2006 for Alone in the Dark; and in 2007 for BloodRayne; and Nominated for Worst Supporting Actor for Postal in 2009; Notes: Well known for spitting out tons of schlock. Was a critic in the 80s and seems to revel in bad reviews. He challenged a number of critics to a boxing match and won all of the matches as chronicled in Raging Boll)

Writers – Doug Taylor (screenplay & story) – (Known For: Splice; A Christmas Horror Story; They Wait; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Razzie Notes: Nominated for Worst Screenplay for In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale in 2009; Notes: Canadian. He had a few interesting articles written about how he still lived in Montreal, even while working on promoting a big project like Splice. I don’t know what he’s precisely up to know, but it is an interesting glimpse into a screenwriters world. The number of projects he was working on was noted as “head-spinning” and yet he only has had four credited screenwriting jobs result in a theater release. It sounds nuts.)

Jason Rappaport and Dan Stroncak (story) – (BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Notes: I don’t think these guys are necessarily writing partners, but there is no info on them. I think they probably work for Uwe Boll’s production company? Would make sense to have Taylor write the script, and then have some of your own guys help with whatever Uwe wants in there.)

Chris Taylor (video game “Dungeon Siege”) – (BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Notes: Just the video game guy. Was named the 30th most influential developer of all time in 2002. Left his company in 2016 to work on indie games)

Actors – Jason Statham – (Known For: Fast & Furious 8; Fast & Furious 7; Snatch; Spy; Furious 6; The Italian Job; Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels; Collateral; The Expendables; The Expendables 2; Parker; Homefront; The Mechanic; The Transporter; Death Race; The Bank Job; Hummingbird; Transporter 2; Future BMT: The Pink Panther; Wild Card; The One; Transporter 3; 13; Turn It Up; Killer Elite; Revolver; Mean Machine; London; BMT: Crank; Crank: High Voltage; In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Ghosts of Mars; Mechanic: Resurrection; The Expendables 3; Notes: An all-star of BMT naturally. I’ve also heard great things about him over the years. Mainly that he’s hilarious and has a magnetic personality. Makes sense.)

Ron Perlman – (Known For: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them; Pacific Rim; Drive; Hellboy; The Bleeder; Tangled; Alien Resurrection; Blade II; Hellboy II: The Golden Army; Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters; Enemy at the Gates; The Book of Life; The Spiderwick Chronicles; The Name of the Rose; Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Titan A.E.; The City of Lost Children; Kid Cannabis; Poker Night; La guerre du feu; Future BMT: Police Academy: Mission to Moscow; The Island of Dr. Moreau; Conan the Barbarian; Mutant Chronicles; Sleepwalkers; Bad Ass; Down; The Ice Pirates; Stonewall; Skin Trade; Outlander; Bunraku; Star Trek: Nemesis; Crave; Romeo Is Bleeding; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Season of the Witch; Notes: We should watch Ice Pirates. Ron Perlman is probably most well known now for either Sons of Anarchy or Hellboy, but he’s been in a bunch of stuff obviously. Was in Del Toro’s debut Chronos in 1993 which lead to a life-long friendship.)

Ray Liotta – (Known For: Goodfellas; The Place Beyond the Pines; Blow; Sin City: A Dame to Kill For; Identity; Killing Them Softly; Bee Movie; Date Night; The Iceman; Field of Dreams; Cop Land; Kill the Messenger; Heartbreakers; Youth in Revolt; Muppets Most Wanted; Narc; Something Wild; Unlawful Entry; Battle in Seattle; Observe and Report; Future BMT: Turbulence; The Son of No One; Operation Dumbo Drop; Crazy on the Outside; Revenge of the Green Dragons; The Identical; Forever Mine; Even Money; Powder Blue; Revolver; Better Living Through Chemistry; The Lonely Lady; The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud; Unforgettable; Slow Burn; Smokin’ Aces; Corrina, Corrina; Hannibal; Crossing Over; Pilgrim; BMT: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale; Wild Hogs; Notes: He is most well known for looking like he is wearing a Halloween mask of himself. Joking, but this is the first movie I watched where I was like Liotta looks a little odd these days. Hugely famous, mainly for Goodfellas, he still gets decent enough jobs. Definitely an interesting career.)

Budget/Gross – $60,000,000 / Domestic: $4,775,656 (Worldwide: $13,097,915)

(So, Uwe Boll had a decent racket going for a while. The way it works is detailed here, but here’s the short version: if you are a German citizen looking for a tax shelter you can set up a shell company, “finance a film” for millions of euros (immediately tax deductible), and then lease back the rights to a Hollywood studio for almost the entire amount saving millions in taxes. The key is having a German director to direct … wait a minute I know a German director by the name of Uwe! I think they closed that loophole, it is the only explanation as to why Uwe isn’t still churning out trash. This is also the definition of “sweet IP”: video games no one else wanted to make into movies … so sell it to Uwe.)

#106 for the Fantasy – Live Action genre

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(A genre of the 2000s. Just about at the nadir of the genre though. Below Troll from 1986, and paired up with Seeker the Dark of Rising (twin film) for bringing down the gross for a time. Has held mostly steady since, but the new Harry Potters could help it along the way.)

#32 for the Sword and Sorcery genre

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(Literally the lowest grossing example released to more than 4 theaters! There isn’t much to the graphic except that it is small and kind of consistently made over the years. Hopefully the disaster that was Warcraft doesn’t handicap the genre too much going forward.)

#34 for the Video Game Adaptation genre

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(This guy basically sits … well around other Uwe films. Not that many video game adaptation are super successful. They are coming hot and quick now though, so we’ll see if they can cross that $100 million threshold consistently.)

Rotten Tomatoes – 4% (2/50): Featuring mostly wooden performances, laughable dialogue, and shoddy production values, In the Name of the King fulfills all expectations of an Uwe Boll film.

(Sick burns … although true. The film looks like a few episodes of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers strung together. Considering it is through and through a German production … that might actually not be a bad analogy.)

Poster – In the Name of the Sklog: A Dungeon Sklog Tale (C+)

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(I like the color, but not much else. I can kind of give it credit for being in that high-fantasy mold. It is shockingly similar to some of the artwork for Lord of the Rings. But too much going on and not enough done with the font. I’m giving it a C+ for at least being derivative of something good, but most of the deduction is for being cheap looking to boot.)

Tagline(s) – Rise and fight (C+)

(I’ll give it credit for being short and sweet and fantasy-epic-esque. Doesn’t tell you anything, and is boring though, so I mark most of the credit off. Sorry Uwe.)

Keyword(s) – farmer; Top Ten by BMeTric: 85.7 In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007); 84.1 Piranha 3DD (2012); 69.8 Year One (2009); 58.0 Monsters: Dark Continent (2014); 57.7 The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising (2007); 49.3 Seventh Son (I) (2014); 45.0 Jeepers Creepers II (2003); 43.8 The Watch (I) (2012); 43.7 The Giant Spider Invasion (1975); 43.7 Priest (2011);

(We will never watch Piranha 3DD, but Priest is going to happen. Farmer is prooooobably pushing it, although The Seeker and Seventh Son did genuinely have farmers in it … and the main character of this is literally “Farmer”.)

Notes – Kevin Smith and Juliette Lewis were filming Catch and Release (2006) on an adjoining set, and came to visit this set. Burt Reynolds saw them steal two boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts. (I believe it, but Burt Reynolds throughout these notes sounds ridiculous).

Script development took over a year. In the end, Doug Taylor re-wrote eighty percent of the script, because the original story was considered too reminiscent of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. (Amazing, what could the storyline have even been?)

Production of the computer graphics imagery in the movie was convoluted and problematic. Uwe Boll claims he had to fire several different CGI providers, who outsourced their jobs to lower-quality providers, who worked for less money. (Yup, this is why graphics in movies causes so much trouble, bullshit like this)

The “medicine” Merick gives Farmer was actually tea mixed with ketchup. Uwe Boll purposely concocted the mixture to get a disgusted reaction from Jason Statham.

During production, Uwe Boll sponsored a charity visit to the set. Guests got to see behind-the-scenes work, and proceeds were donated to a children’s hospital. Reportedly, Ray Liotta was extremely upset by it. In future interviews, he talked about how “crazy” Boll was for allowing so many spectators onto the set.

Siu-Tung Ching’s salary was higher than Uwe Boll’s. (HA!)

Jason Statham filmed many of his action scenes while nursing an injured tendon in his foot. He is noticeably impaired while running.

John Gajdecki had trouble filming many visual effects shots, especially scenes with outdoor “greenscreens”. Jan Kruse left the project, due to conflict with Gajdecki, who was eventually fired, and replaced by Doug Oddy. (These notes are ridiculous)

Some of the Krug costumes cost over ten thousand dollars each to produce. (Not a great idea)

Uwe Boll considered releasing the original cut of the film in two installments because of its length. Instead, it was edited into a theatrical release, and the Director’s Cut was released on DVD. (Smart …)

While filming an outdoor fight scene, Burt Reynolds grew overheated in his armored costume, became unconscious, and fell from the platform, on which the duel was being filmed. Reynolds claims this was the only time in his career that he had to miss a day of filming, due to sickness or injury.

Kevin Costner was offered the lead role. Uwe Boll claims Costner wasn’t interested in filming a large-scale action film, and instead offered Boll the opportunity to direct the project he was working on at the time, Mr. Brooks (2007). Boll turned it down. (WHAT, why would anyone offer Boll to director anyone?)

Claire Forlani was the last major performer to be cast. Her role had been previously offered to Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel. (Who probably just laughed into the phone for half a minute)

Though Siu-Tung Ching was the action Director, Uwe Boll personally choreographed the scene featuring Jason Statham and Ron Perlman fighting the Krug in the barn. (The one where it literally looks like Puttys from Power Rangers I think)

A day of filming was lost due to heavy fog. Some of the forest terrain and mountaintops could only be accessed via helicopter, and on a particular foggy day, Uwe Boll and part of his crew were literally stranded on a mountain for over two hours, because the helicopter wouldn’t take off.

Burt Reynolds extensively re-wrote and edited the dialogue for his death scene, creating friction with Script Supervisor Ingrid Kenning. Reynolds had never played a character who died in a film, and was adamant that the scene be something special.

Won the Razzie Award for Worst Director (Uwe Boll)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Picture

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress (Leelee Sobieski)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor (Burt Reynolds)

Nominated for the Razzie Award for Worst Screenplay (Doug Taylor)

Geostorm Recap

Jamie

After the world’s weather went crazy the nations of the Earth, led by Jake Lawson, banded together to build a weather manipulation satellite system. Years later this system goes haywire and Jake is sent to fix it, only to find that it’s not a bug after all, but rather a scheme for world domination. Can Jake save the world before it’s too late? Find out in… Geostorm.

What?! We open on an extended voiceover explaining that in the near future the world’s weather began extreme fluctuations resulting in worldwide death and destruction. In an effort to curb the damage the world’s nations came together to build a complex satellite system led by a rough and tumble scientist, who don’t take no guff from nobody, named Jake Lawson. This inability to take guff sends Jake Lawson to the unemployment line and the satellite system marches on without him. Years later things start acting kooky (sorry for the technical terms) and Jake is pulled back into action and sent to space in an effort to find and fix whatever bug is causing the issue. In the least realistic aspect of the film Jake insists that there aren’t any bugs in the system (sure bro, whatever you say) and yet it becomes immediately clear that the weather catastrophes are not in fact caused by a bug at all but rather a virus that has been planted in the system. Needing the presidential kill codes to reboot and flush the virus, Jake’s brother Max rescues the President from a superstorm in Orlando and escorts him to Kennedy Space Center. They are able to upload the kill codes but not before self-destruct is initiated on the space station. Uh oh! Jake stays behind to make sure everything is rebooted and proceeds to climb aboard a satellite and ride it back to Earth an international hero. Wooooooooooooo! Geostorm! The End.

Why?! Action films provide the best motivations. Not for our main characters or course (Jake Lawson is only concerned with quelling the slanderous claims against his entirely bug-free complex satellite system), but for our vast criminal enterprise hell bent on world domination. Basically the Secretary of State has devised a plan whereby he got a lackey on the space station to upload a virus. This virus will ever so slowly begin the systematic destruction of the world in order to make it seem like an accident. The aim is to wipe out most of the world, including all those that stand in the way of the Secretary of State’s ascension to the presidency, and lead to total domination. What he didn’t plan for was Jake Lawson, international hero, stepping in and saving the day… What’s that? That actually was explicitly in the plan… get international hero Jake Lawson to take the blame and die in space. What a terrible plan… he’s Jake Lawson! International hero! He obviously would be the last person you’d want up in space trying to stop you… literally the only person. In fact wouldn’t you just go ahead and kill him before even starting the plan? I already just fixed your plan. Step 1. Kill Jake Lawson.

What?! After a long day of stopping a conspiracy to destroy your reputation for bug-free coding (and also destroy the world) there’s only one thing that will quench that thirst for justice: a nice cold Coors Light. It’s the taste of the Rockies and the choice of international hero Jake Lawson.

Who?! Two weeks in a row for fake US Presidents. This time it’s Andy Garcia’s President Andrew Palma. While it seems like President Palma is well on his way to reelection (before a Geostorm so rudely interrupts his DNC speech #DemsInDisarray, amirite?) he probably has to reevaluate his vetting criteria for his most valued advisors. I mean, having most of your cabinet wiped out in a conspiracy set in motion by your own Secretary of State? Not a great look.

Where?! Great settings film. Not just because we spend most of our time in space, DC, and Florida, but also because we so specifically spend such a long time in Orlando for a fake future Democratic National Convention. This after we spent the entirety of Jaws 3D in Orlando. Having quite the BMT moment. I give it a solid B.

When?! Little point of contention here. It’s hard to get a good idea of exactly when everything takes place for a film in theaters. I think they said things started going crazy in 2019 and in three years we built the satellite system (going off of my memory here, so might be slightly inaccurate). When we jump forward we are close to the ten year mark for the system. So we should be somewhere around the 2032 election? We’re also going through nominations for that election so must be summer 2032? This is all +/- 4 years. C+ if I go back and confirm all this from the DVD (Spoiiler Alert: I’m not going to be doing that).

Overall, the film is not well made. It was clearly rewritten and reshot (unless they meant for the beginning to just be a series of expository scenes that are super boring. If so then they just made a bad movie from the jump) and made the start of the film a mess. Once we get to space and the Geostorm starts things picked up and a lot of the scenes in space were shockingly beautiful. Funny enough there was one aspect of the film that everyone I know who saw it couldn’t help focusing on: Max Lawson a.k.a. Jim Sturgiss’ haircut. The most catastrophic disaster in the entire film, but I’ll let Patrick explain a bit more. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone! GEOOOOOSTORM. What will cure those summer boxoffice blues? A disasterpiece from the maker of Independence Day (I call it ID4). GEOOOOOSTOOOOORM in my face! Yeah. What’s that? It’s been delayed by a bit? That isn’t so bad, I mean … oh, two years? It was delayed by two years and stars Gerard Butler. I mean the co-stars though … what’s that? The co-star is the guy from 21 with a terrible hair cut? Uh … you know what, I have a refrigerator to defrost, I’ll see you later, tell me how it is. Let’s get into it!

The Good (Seuqel / Prequel / Remake) – The space visuals were stunning. When I say the first one I legitimately wondered exactly how cheap it had all gotten, is this just going to be normal now? No more hilarious spikey comet set from Armageddon? If you squint you might not hate this movie because it is so dumb. This time I think I want to see the Sequel. Why? Because think of what the sequel would actually involve. Another almost Geostorm! How could such a thing happen? In this case I think we revisit Jake Lawson, but this time it’s … President Jake Lawson. The world owns Dutch Boy, and all is peachy keen until (uh oh!) it isn’t! Storms they are a-brewin’, and things are looking dire. How could this happen again!? What a twist! It was Jake Lawson causing the issues after he realizes the world had begun to recover from humanity’s ecological ruin and scientists are about to recommend that Dutch Boy be shut down completely! Wait, that sounds shaky, why would he want to keep Dutch Boy around? Because he thinks the instant humanity gets pulled back from the brink of disaster we’ll fall back into our disastrous ways (probably true). Anywho, he turns heel and audiences cheer in Geostorm 2: Jake Lawson Strikes Back.

The Bad (Crimes Against BMT-anity) – The entirety of the story on the ground was absurd. Gerard sleepwalks through the film. The bad guy is so obvious and mustache twirling-ly eeeeevil that it is almost sad when the finale comes into play. It is also aggressively stupid. Which I have decided is both a good and bad thing. It is cut to shit and at times just makes no sense, complete with super hero hacker who makes nearly anything possible and then is promptly forgotten during the finale. And now, for a new game! In Crimes Against BMT-anity I identify a specifically perplexing part of a terrible film. In this case (was there ever any doubt?) it was Jim Sturgiss’ amazingly distracting haircut. Are we to believe he dates an incredibly attractive secret service agent for three years and she never once asks who his barber is any why he still uses him? Or more likely makes him stop cutting his own hair. The most ludicrous part of the story bar none. Congrats Jim Sturgiss’ haircut! You have a non-zero chance of getting a nomination for Worst Screen Couple at the Razzies this year.

The BMT (Legacy / StreetCreditReport.com) – This has some serious cred potential. It is one of those movies that will kind of vaguely live in the collective conscious of a generation because it’ll just be like always on Netflix or something. Out of all of the bad movies of 2017 it is the one I can imagine people talking about along the lines of “you know what was a decently fun movie everyone thought was terrible at the time …”. An Armageddon for another generation. It was one of the worst reviewed films of the year, although it did manage to avoid an incredible sub-10 on Rotten Tomatoes (which seemed quite possible for a time). Still, for both legacy and street cred this I think measures up very well among BMT Lives.

A quick BMT Theater Review and I’m out. I went with the much posher Fulham Vue this time around and it was a pleasure indeed. And given the movie not a wary eye was cast at the lonesome creeper catching a movie on Tuesday night. There were some noticeable guffaws when something particularly ridiculous happened, but for the sparsely populated theatre (as the Brits call it) the tone was expectedly muted. Can’t say I don’t miss the raucous crowds I would expect at something like Transformers 11, but it was pleasant enough. B-. Nice theater, muted crowd.

And with that our BMT Live season is complete. A highly successful season I think marked by a patience we didn’t exercise last year much to our own chagrin.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs