Smaddies Baddies VII

It has become an annual tradition. On the anniversary of the start of Bad Movie Thursday we take a look back at the year in review. With a name that’s just as bad as the films it honors it is ….

Smaddies Baddies! Smaddies Baddies! Ah what a year. We watched our 500th films, and this year was the year of the franchise: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Universal Soldier, and the complete Rambo series! How do we find the time? No seriously, how haven’t we been fired yet, we basically just watch bad movies at work at this point. This year was also extra special as we ventured out to the theater for a fifth unofficial BMT Live! for the one and only Cats. A truly one-of-a-kind terrifying experience. We paid money to see that. Any film we watched in 2019 qualifies for an award. It is the Smaddies Baddies. People will shout from the rooftops and rend their clothing at our decisions, do not take them lightly!


We’ll start with the BMT awards which are usually cut for time: the 6W awards. Let’s go!The Three Musketeers Best Planchet Baddie (Who?) goes to Hackers. Joey is such a planchet it’s actually amazing. The entire gang rips on him all day and yet he’s the one that actually hacks the Gibson. Then at the end he’s the one spitting hot fire on the k’board (as the kids call it). We would almost want to change the name of the award to the Hack the Planchet Baddie in memory of Joey, but that’ll have to wait for a meeting of the BMT Board of Governors (BMTBoG). Bonus Shoutout to Cats and Hallraiser: Bloodline as the only twin films of the year. The twins in both cases were such small parts of the films in question they could not supplant the Hack the Planchet. Yes, even twin powers can only go so far in this world. Also a Shoutout to Super Mario Bros for the Koopa brother characters who act as Rosencratz and Gildenstern in this I’m-not-joking remake of Hamlet! Always nice to see such highfalutin archetypes in our dystopian-future video game adaptations.

The Adam Sandler Memorial Product Placement Baddie Brought to You By Coca Cola, Always Cool! (What?) We just can’t resist the stir-it-slooowwwwwlllleeeeeeeeee-ness of the Swiss Miss product placement in Mercury Rising. Add that to an edge-of-your see Starbucks thrill ride in the middle of the film and we think we have a winner. It was really close though, with Super Mario Bros., Bye Bye Love, and Santa Claus: The Movie completing a stellar category with feature length McDonald’s commercial disguised as a film in Bye Bye Love, a double McD’s/Coca-Cola sighting in Santa Claus: The Movie, and the inexplicable (even when we first saw it as children) Reebok logo on the bottom of a Bob-omb in Super Mario Bros.

The When in Rome Setting as a Character Baddie (Where?) Godzilla has to take this one. Ah, it was such an innocent time. Back when it seemed reasonable to blow away massive portions of NYC for viewing audiences everywhere. Not only is the city referred to as “The City that Never Sleeps” in an embarrassing intertitle, but Madison Square Garden is literally ground zero for the Godzilla invasion. Can’t you just imagine executives being like “yes, King Kong had the Empire State Building, but Godzilla has Madison Square Garden. We’ll be legends! We’ll be millionaires!” As we said, more innocent times. Bonus Shoutout to Replicas as the designated crazy-setting film for the year with Puerto Rico. We had a few fun settings this year (Runner Runner in Costa Rica as well), but the joy of seeing Keanu shop for a Christmas tree in the middle of Puerto Rico is second to none.

The Marion Cobretti Memorial Super Secret Holiday Film Baddie (When?) We really had a ton of different holidays featured in bad films this year. Replicas, Santa Claus: The Movie, and Gangster Squad all focused on Christmas. The Intruder (TGivs), Sleeping with the Enemy (4th of July), and Town & Country (Halloween) covered the gamut of holiday seasons. But the winner has to be Dracula 2000 where the celebration of Mardi Gras gives us a rare holiday indeed. It was like we were there! We don’t even need to go to New Orleans now! Bonus Shoutout for the super duper secret holiday film for Highlander: The Final Dimension. A newspaper clipping indicates the events occur roughly the same time as Rudy Guliani getting heckled by protesters at a Martin Luther King Jr. Day event. Now that is a secret holiday film!

The Street Fighter Legend of Chun Li Best MacGuffin Baddie (Why?) We love MacGuffins. Do you know why? Because they always have ridiculous names! Medicine Man had Compound 37, Double Dragon the titular Double Dragon, Hackers be hacking the Gibson, and Lawnmower Man 2: Into Cyberspace fought for something called the Chiron Chip. But the best of the best is from Super Mario Bros. with their simple Meteorite Necklace which can do so much. It combines / destroys / saves (?) dimensions … or something? It’s power comes from… having killed the dinosaurs? Seriously, someone needs to explain this to us, our beautiful minds can only do so much. That’s the joy of MacGuffins, they can do anything the plot requires!

The 88 Minutes Starring Leelee Sobieski Worst Twist Baddie (How?) We might, by law, be required to give this to Serenity. But… we also really want to give it to Dracula 2000 because they made Dracula Judas and it was crazy. But ultimately there is only one film with a twist so dumb it made us immediately go and watch another not-very-good film just to understand the twist they presented. In After the film just rolled out the Cruel Intentions it-was-a-bet-all-along twist again! Who coulda guessed it? (hint: everyone). Bonus Shoutouts to The Hustle for making us wonder whether a con man would make a billion dollar app just for a con, and for Dracula 2000 for making Dracula Judas all along!




Phew. Now onto the big awards, now officially based on The Good, The Bad and The BMT (plus Live!). And without further ado:

The Freddy Got Fingered Surprisingly Good Baddie (The Good) Nominees: Mercury Rising, Armageddon, Mortal Kombat, Hackers, and Sleeping with the Enemy

And the Winner is: Hackers!!! HACK THE PLANET! HACK THE PLANEEEEEEEEEET! We’re hacking that Gibson while listening to Prodigy and slamming that Jolt Cola. Joey, you’re the closest, go to root-slash-usr-slash-tmp-slash-garbage-slash. We unabashedly love this film. We may legitimately have seen this film thirty times growing up. So when we learned that this film qualified for BMT it was a scandal. It almost brought BMTHQ down. But here at BMTHQ we don’t pull punches, we had to watch Hackers … but that doesn’t mean we can’t declare it as genuinely good. This movie is objectively good. The end. Sucks to suck, critics.

The Strange Wilderness Unpleasantly Terrible Baddie (The Bad) Nominees: Hellraiser: Bloodline, Runner Runner, Replicas, Rambo (2008), Town & Country 

And the Winner is: Runner Runner! This might be the most contentious category in a long time. We legit hashed this out over several weeks (or maybe it just felt that long). We had movies come and go from the nominee list, but only one remained when we stared deep into the mirror we call life and asked ourselves “what do I never, ever, ever want to watch again.” The characters in Runner Runner are so irredeemably terrible that it makes you wonder what JT was even thinking when he read the script. 

The Here on Earth Most BMT Baddie (The BMT) Nominees: Universal Soldier: The Return, Super Mario Bros, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Cats, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

And the Winner is: Lawnmower Man 2: Into Cyberspace! It’s been a while since we were this excited about a film. I do genuinely fear we’ve watched so many bad movies that all of the good-bad ones have been viewed. But then … sorry, I’m getting choked up here. This film dares to exist in a dystopian future for absolutely no reason. They dare to tell the audience to not worry that the lawnmower man no longer looks like Jeff Fahey because they gave him massive amounts of plastic surgery. And they dare to call their MacGuffin the Chiron Chip, a device that appears to … make the internet? Create a bizarre VR world with like lazer bikes and stuff? Watch this movie. Watch this movie now!

The Jack and Jill Worst of 2019 Baddie (The BMT Live!) Nominees: Countdown, Cats, After, The Intruder, Serenity

And the Winner is: Cats! Absolute madness. You peer into the abyss and Cats peers back and dares you not to think about this film for weeks afterward. To sing their weirdo non-songs, and to think about their terrifying nightmare CGI. This is the closest thing since The Room to a film where you can just tell there are going to me midnight screenings of it forever. I also think they’ll just go ahead and improve the CGI forever as well. This will be the first case of a film morphing and changing and growing throughout time. Book it. Cats may have looked like a colossal financial failure, but in reality it was a magnificent culture achievement!! 

Smaddies Baddies, Smaddies Baddies. Great year. I’m going to try and catch Cats in theaters again in 2025 for the Hall of Fame. I will watch a sing-a-long at midnight in some hipster theater. You can quote me on that. For those who fell asleep during the announcements: watch Hackers, Lawnmower Man 2: Into Cyberspace, and Cats. Skip Runner Runner, Godzilla, and Dracula 2000. Ah, who am I kidding. Watch them all. Revel in it, embrace it … Cats.

 

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