Hmmmmm for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to break into Van Helsing’s creepy vault, and didn’t think that maybe there would be a vampire, and then … Dracula came back, but do you remember what happened in the film?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Spoiler Alert! But Van Helsing is alive and kicking it in 2000s London, guarding the villain Dracula for all of time. How does Van Helsing stay alive?
2) Meanwhile, Van Helsing’s assistant’s boyfriend’s gang break in and steal Dracula. Why?
3) But, whoops! Turns out dracula is all alive and stuff and ready to kill a bunch of fools … but yet he’s distracted by a young woman Mary Heller. Why?
4) Welp, so Dracula is kind of sort of turning everyone to vampires. How many people do we see turn into vampires though?
5) So, what is the big twist. Who is Dracula and what’s his deal?
1) He injects himself with Dracula’s blood filtered through leeches so that he doesn’t himself turn into a vampire, he just gets all that live-forever goodness.
2) They are looking for gold … or at least valuable stuff, they figure the amount of security means there has to be tons of valuable stuff. But the only valuable thing is a big heavy coffin, which they steal because they figure that has to be the most valuable thing in the vault.
3) He is just kind of mystically attracted to her, but he doesn’t really know why. He ends up figuring out that it is because Mary is the daughter of Van Helsing. And since Van Halsing has been injecting himself with Dracula’s blood, Mary represents the first true vampire-human hybrid. If we know anything from Vampire in Brooklyn and Dracula 2000 it’s that vampires just cannot resist half-vampires, they drive them wild!
4) So I believe it is six people. Basically the entire gang from the original heist (Esposito, Epps, Thomas, Masterson) except for Lochlyn Munroe and Tig Fong who both died in the vault, plus Mary’s roommate Vitamin C, and Jeri Ryan the reporter.
5) He’s Judas, doomed to walk the earth forever more as neither heaven nor hell will have him. He hates silver because that’s what he received for betraying Jesus. He is doomed to walk the earth as a vampire … this is nonsense and I hate it.
Ooooooh yeah, I got murdered by Dracula duh. Obviously, why did I think we should rob Van Helsing again? That was dumb.