Man, so last thing I remember I was a Slinger, sneaking people out of post-apocalyptic NYC like a badass. I was doing splits and spin kicks. I was rad. And then this psycho surfer guy popped up and bopped me on the head. I don’t remember anything else. Do you remember what happened in Cyborg?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning we see the cyborg Pearl attempting to escape New York City as her and her bodyguard are attacked by pirates. Why are they in New York City?
2) Where is Pearl trying to get to?
3) In the multiple unending flashbacks peppered throughout the film we see our hero Van Damme helping a family escape to a farm. What city were they escaping from and where did they escape to?
4) Someone from Van Damme’s past is hanging out with the enemies though! Oh nooooooooo, say it ain’t so!!!!!! Who is it? And what traumatic event happened to them in the past?
5) You might think there are other things that happen in this film, but spoiler alert, after getting captured and left for dead by the bad guys Van Damme escapes and defeats all the bad guys in Atlanta the end. After getting captured what do the bad guys do to Van Damme?
1) They are in New York City to get information from a supercomputer (or something) that humanity needs to defeat the plague that caused the apocalypse.
2) They are headed to Atlanta. Like any good zombie / plague film the events are required to involve the CDC headquarters in Atlanta. How apropos.
3) They were escaping New York City (where the events of the first part of the film takes place) and were escaping to New Jersey. Unfortunately, even outside of the city they were not safe from the eeeeeeeevil pirates.
4) The sister of Van Damme’s lover is hanging with the enemy like a goober. It is explained about fourteen times that she was forced to try and save Van Damme and the rest of her family by holding the razor wire by which they were suspended over a well. While her family tied, Van Damme survived, and now he wants revenge against the bad guys.
5) They crucify him on a ship’s mast along the coast. But because of Van Damme’s sheer will, he cracks that mast in half, escapes, and destroys all his enemies in the end. Hooray!
Ah right, like a badass I did a bunch of splits, got crucified, rose again, and saved the cyborg with the cure for the plague in her robot brain. Noice.