Oh man. So get this, the world actually has loads of vampires and they are ultrafast. So one of those sped right by me and bopped me in the head. Now I can’t remember a thing! Do you remember what happened in Priest?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Our hero (simply called Priest) is having some real spooky nightmares in Cathedral City. What are they?
2) Why does Priest ask the Monsignors for permission to leave Cathedral City?
3) Obviously Judge Dredd is a real bad familiar now. What is his plan to attack the humans?
4) What are Priest, Cam Gigantic, and Priestess going to try and do to stop the train?
5) In the end, how do they actually blow the tracks and save Lucy?
Bonus Question: I know y’all were waiting for that sweet mid-credits sequence to see the big reveal. Priest returns Lucy and Gigantic to the ruins of her family home to collect some mementos, but who is waiting there for them?
Answers
1) In the Priest’s nightmares, he’s going to the Sola Mire Hive with a whole mess of priests and they’re all like “we are totes going to get these vampires” and then they are like “uh oh, it’s a trap!” And then in the end Priest sees Judge Dredd get taken by the priests (frowny face emoji) and he’s all sad and needs to go to confession. That’s the gist of it at least.
2) Priest asks for permission to leave Cathedral City because his niece (or is she?! She isn’t she’s his daughter, I’m not even going to put that in a question it is so obvious) is captured by what appears to be a vampire attack. But that can’t be, that’s impossible! So they don’t want him to go. Tough nuggets Christopher Plummer, he’s going to go anyways.
3) He is traveling around in his super sweet vampire train with his gang of vampires he bred in the Sola Mire Hive, and the plan is to travel in the lightless train during the day and then destroy the lightless city once they get there. He took Lucy because he knows that would draw Priest away from the city, and he also knew that the church would send the other old priests after Priest leaving the city defenseless.
4) They are attempting to blow up the rail line. Since, apparently, the only way these vampires can sneak attack the city is in a train without the tracks they won’t be able to get there and destroy humanity. Gigantic is going to save Lucy, Priest will fight Judge Dredd, and Female Priest will blow the tracks.
5) Well, the trigger for the dynamite is blown up in the battle, so Priestess blows up the tracks and the front of the train with a boatload of dynamite attached to her sweet future-cycle. Meanwhile, Priest jumps free with Lucy and Gigantic … well, he was just farting around on a dirt bike during this bit.
Bonus Answer: Lucy’s mother, uh oh! Are those some serious feelings Priest is having for his former love?! But alas, something seems different about her. She’s (GASP) a human vampire?! Yes, she admits, she has become one of them, but her love for Priest is too strong. The vampire queen made a mistake in assuming the turning would quash her feelings for Priest. And now Lucy’s mother is here to lead them to the nest. Bettany calls on the church to back him up, but they, again, decline to do anything of consequence (oh no!), so Bettany takes his rag tag group of rebel Priests (whom he calls the Rag Tag Group of Rebel Priests, or RTGRP for short) and they go for the hive. But what’s this?! A trap set by a seriously singed Judge Dredd and the queen, who could have guessed?! (Everyone, obviously Lucy’s mother leading them to the hive would be a big plan to destroy the RTGRP). Well, time to move real fast and shoot some vampires (in that order)!
The sequel is called Priest: The Nest and it is coming in 2035 as a self-published fan fiction novel written by me. Mostly it is going to be sex scenes between Priest and Judge Dredd though.
Bad Movie Twins 