Oh man, so get this. I was floating my boat to Asian when my boat ran aground about halfway there! Yup, I found a new world, bully for me I guess. Problem is, when my boat hit that sweet new world I fell out and bopped my head! Now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in 1492: Conquest of Paradise?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We meet Columbus as he is just planning on sailing that ocean blue. Where is Columbus (an immigrant to Spain) crashing while trying to get that sweet sweet royal commission?
2) Screw it, I don’t even think they say it in the film, but here’s a question straight from fourth grade history: what were the names of Columbus’ three ships?
3) Once they get to the New World Columbus and Friends meet some Friendly native Americans (nice!). Those natives though, they got something Spain wants. They got something Spain needs. What do they got?
4) What does Moxica (the bad guy … he just looks bad you know?) do that sets off the war with the natives which ultimately results in Columbus being removed as governor of the Spanish New World?
5) In the end an elderly Columbus witnesses a lecture about the New World where the academic elite tell the world that who discovered the New World?
Bonus Question: A dying Columbus cradles a small glass orb. His son approaches. And Columbus struggles he gets out on final world, dies, and the orb smashes to the ground. What is the word?
Answers
1) He’s staying with some monks in a monastery. And everyone is like “I kind of like this cat Columbus, he’s a real religious guy.” But then are also like “huh this immigrant can only get an apartment in a monastery, huh? Suspicious.”
2) The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Well, kind of. Apparently The Nina was actually called Santa Clara maybe, and the Santa Maria also had a different name. But those are the three I learned.
3) Gold. That sweet gold. So shiny. So irresistible. This was before they even knew it was important in computers and junk. They just knew this thing was awesome and they should use it for money and they needed as much of it as possible. And America had it. Sweet.
4) He is put in charge of getting the aforementioned gold and he is none too keen on Columbus who doesn’t seem like he wants to exploit the natives quite as much as the garbage Moxica does. When a native comes back with no gold Moxica, like the psycho that he is, decides he stole the gold and chops off his hand. Eventually Moxica escapes and leads an army of natives against Columbus in an all out rumble in the jungle (literally).
5) Amerigo Vespucci. Fun fact, Vespucci may not have even gone to the New World. He might have been a big lying liar! Or … well, some letters which were attributed to him might have been not written by him, who knows whether he knew or whatever. What a twist. I didn’t know that. This movie is making me look at wikipedia which is teaching me so much.
Bonus Answer: Roanoke. The whisper reverberates and as the shard slowly spin out they form into a bustling London street of the Elizabethan Era. Sir Walter Raleigh is moving and shaking in the English court and he (along with Sir Francis Drake) are looking to get a permanent English colony set up in that New World that they heard Amerigo Vespucci (and definitely not Columbus, who’s that?) found. The whole movie is like four hours long and involves multiple trips to Roanoke. But guess what this has that 1492 didn’t? That’s right, a love triangle! We’re getting Chris Klein up in here as governor Ralph Lane, and Josh Hartnett obviously plays the reserved Sir Francis Drake. And you best believe they get Leelee Sobieski out of retirement to play their lady love … uh, Sarah. Sarah … Fleming. Sure. Anyways, in the end Lane and Drake leave Sarah behind in the fledgling colony with promises to come back to save her. Spoiler, they both are distraught to learn their triangle is no more, as Roanoke disappears leaving only the cryptic word: Croatoan to torment Lane for the rest of his life.
That’s right, I for some reason make Columbus some sort of prophet because how else would he know about Roanoke, a colony established long after he died. Anyways, it is called 1585: Roanoke. Critics proclaim it as “more boring than its predecessor!” We got a real Gods and Generals situation here!
Bad Movie Twins 