Oh man, so there I was in WWI when I got my face and eye all blown up and junk. Now I’m a cast out doctor treating patients on the sly. Also I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Amsterdam?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We open with a dead man in a box, Christian Bale, and John David Washington. Who is the dead man / how is he related to the two protagonists?
2) Flashback! They have to explain why Margo Robbie exists. Where did they meet Robbie, and what did she do with all that shrapnel?
3) They meet Michael Myers in Amsterdam. Who does he claim to be, who is he really, and what big conspiracy is he concerned with?
4) This movie is dense. Robert De Niro is in it. He plays a general. What does he have Bale, Washington and Robbie do to prove that they knew him in the war?
5) Ah, finally, the unraveling of the conspiracy. So, what were they trying to do?
Bonus Question: Flashforward and Bale is still running his business and things are looking up. But what’s this? A knock at the door! Who is it?
1) He is General Bill Meekins (you didn’t need to remember his name, I didn’t). He was Bale’s commanding officer in WWI, and he was to talk at the reunion of his company. But this? This is a murder most foul!
2) She was a nurse on the front lines of WWI. In reality she’s a very wealthy person who decided to go behind the lines because she’s an artistic lunatic. You know she’s a lunatic because she takes the shrapnel from soldiers’ bodies and makes art from it.
3) He claims to be a bird watcher from the British bird watching society (and … I think he is, he later claims to have discovered that cuckoos cuckold other birds or something), and a representative of a glass company. He really is an officer in British intelligence. And the big conspiracy is that of the pentaverate, The Five. Some mysterious group of five powerful people who conspire to control the world in some capacity.
4) He makes them sing a song that they sang to him when they first met. This song is the nonsense song they made up on the spot in France while injured. It is actually a nice little tune.
5) So the whole thing was about fascism and the desire to bring fascism to America. The conspirators were a set of businessmen who both saw fascism as a savvy business move and thought Roosevelt was a weak invalid who would destroy the United States. The plan was to have De Niro’s character rally the Bonus Army and enact a military coup which would install him as unelected President, presumably for life. This was claimed to have actually been a real plot, although the actual details are spotty.
Bonus Answer: It’s been a while, but it is time for that BMT Crossover Episode, because that’s Steven Seagal, that’s the Half Past Dead crew, and that’s a time machine. “I’m back, and we heard you almost died in WWI. We thought we needed a doc.” Seagal smirks. He thinks it is a joke. “Wait … what are you looking to do exactly?” “What do you think, dummy … kill Hitler.” Well Bale is in. It’s time to go undercover! Disguised as a time machine salesman (when in Rome), Bale goes to Amsterdam, picks up the rest of the crew, and then goes straight to the Nazi’s Supernatural Materials for War Division brought to you by Indiana Jones. Hitler is game, and he invites Steven, Bale, Robbie, and Washington directly to the Eagle’s Nest. “Swanky,” Steven says with a smirk. He still doesn’t understand jokes. When they get there though the tables get turned! They knew all about Seagal’s plan, and now they have a time machine. “Thanks for the time machine, idiot,” says Hitler. “Never!” cries Bale, and he destroys the time machine, which explodes, trapping them deep within the bowels of the mansion (luckily away from Hilter and his crew who are trapped above). “My ride!” Steven says, and he pulls his gun and furiously points it at Bale, who casually shoots Seagal in the face. “I guess he’s Full Past Dead now.” Washington says. And they all laugh and laugh and laugh. “We will be too,” says Bale, “I don’t see a way out of this predicament, friends.” Just then a flash of light and a time machine appears with Steven Seagal in it. “But how?!” Robbie cries. “Well, when the time machine blew up it meant everything happened just as it had before, except I knew Hitler knew about the time machine. So I never went back in time and I never died … you guys want to be the Half Past Dead Time Machine Division?” The End.It’s called Amsterdam 2: Half Past Time. Something about Amsterdam just screams illogically sci-fi sequel.