Oh man, so there I was, hanging with my best friend Blue. She’s a dinosaur. NBD. But then all of a sudden her kid is stolen and she goes bananas on me. Well, now I’m all dinosaured up, and I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Jurassic World: Dominion?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard just neeeeed to get to the Dolomites to see some dinosaurs. But why do they need to go there?
2) Out of literal sheer coincidence, so does the OG Jurassic Park crew. Why do they have to get there?
3) But first Pratt and Howard have to go to Africa. Why?
4) How do both of the groups actually infiltrate the Dolomite Compound?
5) And finally what is the final result, who basically saves the day?
Bonus Question: The crew has saved the world (hooray), but that’s just the beginning. Who arrives as a bearer of bad news?
1) You can tell by these questions this movie is a mess haha. So they’ve been hiding out with their clone daughter in the wilderness, but guess what? Some bad poachers recognized Pratt and tracked him down and stole both his daughter and the daughter of Blue, Pratt’s dino friend. Oh no!
2) Meanwhile, in the midwest, a cloud of giant locusts are eating literally all of the food (except for those made with eeeeeeevil Biosyn seeds). Ellie Sattler, a blast from the past, has a sample and they just know that the eeeeeevil Biosyn is behind it. So she gathers up the crew and they invite themselves to Biosyn as ambassador scientists and to see Ian Malcolm.
3) So they only really know that their daughter and Blue Jr. were captured and brought there. Once there they meet up with a dino smuggler (with a heart of gold) who says that, yeah, she smuggles for Biosyn, and yeah, she saw their daughter. And yeah, she’ll take them there because why not? She’s got a heart of gold!!
4) Well the OG crew just walks right in. They ultimately get help from Ian Malcolm who gives him his key access so they can find the locusts. The new crew flies in and are attacked by dinosaurs, with Howard using the ejection seat while the other two merely survive a plane crash.
5) Here’s the thing. Henry Wu is basically the main character of the new trilogy. He is declared the actual genius behind Jurassic Park, and was, in the second film, the only one with genetic power. In the end he modifies the locusts and saves the day … for now.
Bonus Answer: Is that Christian Bale’s music?! That’s right, they are the Half Past Time crew and oh boy there is a BIG issue that they need Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard to help. “Wait … like, a bunch of dinosaurs have almost killed you a ton right?” Bale asks. They both nod. Good. So here’s the deal, it turns out all that genetic power? Well it wasn’t enough for these psychopaths. They went and invented a goddamned time machine! Not this time machine, we got this time machine from Steven Seagal. Long story. Anyways, they’ve been going back in time to get that sweet sweet genetic power right from the source. But there is one thing they didn’t count on. That’s right, the sound of thunder (oh, it’s a sound of thundaaaaaaah). They obviously crushed a butterfly and now, if they don’t horry, dinosaurs won’t exist at all. “My god, we could all go extinct,” says Pratt. “No, weirdly, it is just dinosaurs, but we did some calculations and, this is going to sound nuts, but Future Hitler actually died in the Jurassic World disaster. That’s where we come in, we’re the Half Past Time crew and we basically just deal with future / past / present fascism wherever it occurs in the timeline. So yeah, we’re going back in time to bring dinosaurs back from extinction, so that they can eat Future Hitler. Got it?” They all nod. Time to get to work.
Jurassic World: Half Past Dinosaur