“1… 2… 3… Sorry!” Jamie and Patrick yell in unison with their bandmates. It’s stop number 19 of their 56 city Apologies Tour brought to you by Tim Horton’s. They all take a quick draught of some scalding Tim Horton’s coffee and let Pitbull know to be ready. “Mr. Worldwide. Ha!” he responds, which Jamie and Patrick have learned means “no problem, I’m ready to pump up the volume at a moment’s notice. I’m Mr. 305. Ha!” The tour feels a little bit different from their past tours as part of PaJama ParTy. Not least of which was where the tour was taking them. “Thank you Saskatoon!” They scream once they get onto stage. “We love you SaskTel Centre,” their drummer Matt McGoo screams right after them. They stare daggers at him. Fucking McGoo. With his drum solos and his stupid hats. But they calm themselves. This is the tour where they say sorry for their past conduct, not create more fodder for the Tantrum Twins machine by knocking his stupid hat off his stupid head in the middle of their set. While it was unsettling to learn that the Dudikoff’s had picked their band, wrote all their songs, and decided that their nephew Matt McGoo got to wear whatever dumb hat he wanted, they had to take it all in stride. The Dudikoff’s had done so much for them in helping them realize how much pain they had caused. So it was time to say sorry. Just as they are finishing up a rousing rendition of “We’re Not the Audience” and right before they start in on “Sure, It’s Bad, But Maybe That’s What You Like” they suddenly get blinded by a flashing green light from the audience. They stop… something about that green light is familiar. That’s right! We are diving once again into a film we’ve seen before, the much reviled Green Lantern starring noted Canadian Ryan Reynolds. I did not like this movie one bit when it came out… not even one little bit. Lets go!
Green Lantern (2011) – BMeTric: 52.1; Notability: 98
StreetCreditReport.com – BMeTric: top 10.0%; Notability: top 0.8%; Rotten Tomatoes: top 21.2%; Higher BMeT: Jack and Jill, The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, Shark Night, Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1, The Roommate, The Darkest Hour, Hellraiser: Revelations, Conan the Barbarian, Abduction, I Don’t Know How She Does It, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, Zookeeper, Apollo 18, Twixt, The Dilemma, and 5 more; Higher Notability: Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides; Lower RT: Hellraiser: Revelations, You May Not Kiss the Bride, Faces in the Crowd, Beneath the Darkness, Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, The Roommate, A Little Bit of Heaven, Abduction, Hick, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, Dream House, New Year’s Eve, Trespass, Honey 2, Red Riding Hood, Season of the Witch, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil, The Darkest Hour, Atlas Shrugged: Part I, and 31 more; Notes: Oh boy, look at those Low RT films. A lot of those are fake VOD garbage, but I think we’ve seem maybe 12 of those listed. I wonder when we’ll get to the Spy Kids series.
RogerEbert.com – 2.5 stars – “Green Lantern” presents yet another case of a human being given the responsibility of leading the battle of good vs. evil, or, in this case, of the Will vs. Fear. … The movie, as you know, was filmed in 3-D. But a screening was made available in 2-D, and I chose to attend the 2-D screening. The colors were bright, the images were crisp and clear, the impact was undeniable, the greens were … real green. I didn’t see the 3-D version, so can’t compare the two. I will be looking forward with interest to how other film critics describe it.
(The 3D versus 2D stuff was all the rage at the time. Somehow 2.5 stars seems totally appropriate. Like … it looks nice, and is kind of fun. But it is hollow and empty and leaves you unsatisfied. You know?)
Trailer – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7w07MLhhb4/
(I remember this trailer and thinking it looked cool at the time. Unfortunately the way they did the suit and his powers ended up just looking lame from what I recall, and the movie falls apart around that fundamental issue.)
Directors – Martin Campbell – ( Known For: Casino Royale; GoldenEye; The Mask of Zorro; The Foreigner; Vertical Limit; Edge of Darkness; The Protégé; No Escape; Eskimo Nell; Defenseless; Three for All; Future BMT: The Legend of Zorro; Beyond Borders; Criminal Law; BMT: Memory; Green Lantern; Notes: Man, directing both GoldenEye and Casino Royale is a very very fun fact. I remember this from last year though because I really didn’t like Memory, and I was stunning this guy did it.)
Writers – Greg Berlanti – ( Known For: The Broken Hearts Club: A Romantic Comedy; BMT: Green Lantern; Wrath of the Titans; Notes: Nominated for two Emmys for Political Animals and The Flight Attendant. Is an absolutely enormous television producer now for things like Riverdale and The Flash.)
Michael Green – ( Known For: Blade Runner 2049; Logan; Death on the Nile; Murder on the Orient Express; Alien: Covenant; Jungle Cruise; The Call of the Wild; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Nominated for an Oscar for Logan. Kind of amazing how young the writers were, he was 38 for example when this movie came out.)
Marc Guggenheim – ( Known For: Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters; Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Done a ton of DC stuff like DC’s Legends of Tomorrow.)
Michael Goldenberg – ( Known For: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix; Peter Pan; Contact; Future BMT: Bed of Roses; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Weird that there aren’t any comic book writers among the credited screenwriters.)
Actors – Ryan Reynolds – ( Known For: Bullet Train; Ghosted; Deadpool 2; Deadpool; Free Guy; Ted; Red Notice; The Adam Project; Life; 6 Underground; The Proposal; Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw; Pokémon: Detective Pikachu; Safe House; The Hitman’s Bodyguard; The Croods: A New Age; The Croods; Spirited; Turbo; Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle; Future BMT: Waiting…; Smokin’ Aces; National Lampoon’s Van Wilder; The Change-Up; Blade: Trinity; Self/less; The Amityville Horror; A Million Ways to Die in the West; Criminal; The In-Laws; BMT: X-Men Origins: Wolverine; Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard; Green Lantern; R.I.P.D.; Notes: Now possibly more well known for selling his vodka company for a billion dollars, and then his mobile company for a billion dollars, and now he also owns Wrexham, a football club in Wales. He is a rare example of the triple dip. He failed as Green Lantern, failed a different time playing Deadpool, and then finally did succeed playing Deadpool a second time!)
Blake Lively – ( Known For: A Simple Favor; The Age of Adaline; The Town; The Shallows; Savages; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants; Hick; Café Society; The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2; The Private Lives of Pippa Lee; All I See Is You; New York, I Love You; Elvis and Anabelle; Simon Says; Future BMT: Accepted; The Rhythm Section; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Doesn’t do much acting anymore seeing as she is married to bona fide billionaire Ryan Reynolds. Got her start as the star of Gossip Girl which was really the only O.C. followup teen soap of the era to hit big.)
Peter Sarsgaard – ( Known For: The Batman; The Magnificent Seven; Knight and Day; Orphan; The Cell; The Guilty; Jarhead; Black Mass; The Lost Daughter; Lovelace; Rendition; Blue Jasmine; Boys Don’t Cry; Garden State; K-19: The Widowmaker; Dead Man Walking; Mr. Jones; Jackie; An Education; The Lie; Future BMT: The Man in the Iron Mask; Flightplan; The Skeleton Key; Empire; BMT: Green Lantern; Notes: Nominated for an Emmy for Dopesick. According to IMDb he runs 50 miles a week.)
Budget/Gross – $200,000,000 / Domestic: $116,601,172 (Worldwide: $219,851,172)
(That is quite bad. It was a legendary bomb at the time, but yeah … that is somehow worse than I expected.)
Rotten Tomatoes – 26% (64/249): Noisy, overproduced, and thinly written, Green Lantern squanders an impressive budget and decades of comics mythology.
(Yeah, that is indeed what I remember. I do like the various reviews which are like “man, superheroes suck I can’t wait for this dumb shit to end” right before it takes over the entire culture for a generation.)
NYT Short Review: Ryan Reynolds plays the emerald-hued superhero in a $150 million diversion.
Poster – Poop Lantern
(My gawwwwwd. Mothers shield the eyes of your children for a horror walks among us. Be gone, Green Lantern poster! Leave us in peace. D-… but only because it’s got a green theme which saves it from being an F.)
Tagline(s) – In brightest day, in blackest night. (C)
(Cool cool cool. Sooooo, you decided to make everything bad and/or lazy. Bold choice.)
Keyword(s) – canada
Top 10: The Matrix Revolutions (2003), X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), Venom (2018), The Butterfly Effect (2004), Armageddon (1998), In Time (2011), Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011), Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), 2012 (2009), Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Future BMT: 90.3 Vampires Suck (2010), 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 88.6 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 78.9 Daddy Day Camp (2007), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.9 Look Who’s Talking Too (1990), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 73.1 The Turning (2020), 72.5 Mr. Magoo (1997), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 69.4 College Road Trip (2008), 68.9 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004), 68.8 The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (2006), 68.6 Captivity (2007), 68.3 Yogi Bear (2010), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 67.0 The Flintstones (1994), 66.2 In the Mix (2005)
BMT: Battlefield Earth (2000), Catwoman (2004), Dragonball Evolution (2009), Batman & Robin (1997), The Emoji Movie (2017), The Wicker Man (2006), The Cat in the Hat (2003), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987), The Love Guru (2008), Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), Crossroads (2002), Halloween: Resurrection (2002), Movie 43 (2013), Barb Wire (1996), RoboCop 3 (1993), Highlander II: The Quickening (1991), Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009), Jason X (2001), Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Little Man (2006), Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015), The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009), Freddy Got Fingered (2001), After Earth (2013), The Bye Bye Man (2017), Caddyshack II (1988), Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (2011), Jonah Hex (2010), Species II (1998), …
Best Options (Action): 89.9 House of the Dead (2003), 79.6 Shark Night (2011), 77.2 Superhero Movie (2008), 74.0 The Spirit (2008), 73.9 The Next Karate Kid (1994), 71.8 Dance Flick (2009), 67.3 The Crow: City of Angels (1996), 63.5 Skinwalkers (2006), 61.4 G-Force (2009), 59.6 Agent Cody Banks (2003), 58.5 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012), 57.9 Legion (2010), 53.9 Spy Hard (1996), 52.1 Green Lantern (2011), 50.8 The Core (2003), 50.0 Collateral Damage (2002), … (and many more sub-50)
(Not the best, but maybe one of the best we could do with a true blue Canadian star in a true blue giant box office bomb. BTW the plot is odd, but just because there isn’t a particularly good way to just get movies that stars a Canadian. But such is life.)
Welcome to Earf (HoE Number 16) – The shortest path through The Movie Database cast lists using only BMT films is: Ryan Reynolds is No. 1 billed in Green Lantern and No. 1 billed in Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, which also stars Samuel L. Jackson (No. 2 billed) who is in Jumper (No. 3 billed) which also stars Michael Rooker (No. 5 billed) who is in Here on Earth (No. 4 billed) => (1 + 1) + (2 + 3) + (5 + 4) = 16. If we were to watch Smokin’ Aces we can get the HoE Number down to 11.
Notes – Carol’s line “I’ve seen you naked! You think I wouldn’t recognize you because you covered your cheekbones!” was an ad-lib by Blake Lively.
Ryan Reynolds, who played the protagonist, famously hated the movie. He has admitted to having a poor working relationship with director Martin Campbell and was glad to see the film perform poorly critically and financially, as he did not wish to reprise his role as the Green Lantern. In his later movie Deadpool (2016), he references the Green Lantern in a negative way when he requests a suit that is neither green nor animated while being rolled into the medical room on a gurney; in the sequel Deadpool 2 (2018), he goes back into time, preventing himself from ever taking the Green Lantern role.
Ryan Reynolds met his wife Blake Lively on the set of this film. They would get married in September 2012 and later have four children.
To prepare for his role as Hector Hammond, Peter Sarsgaard spent time with a biologist from Tulane University, who he described as “the most eccentric guy I could find.” They both worked on preparing the lecture Hammond gives in the film.
One of the Green Lanterns, Rot Lop Fan, wears a bell insignia rather than a lantern image on his chest. This is because his world gets almost no sunlight, so they never developed eyesight. Since he has no use for colors and lights, his symbol is an F-Sharp bell, which makes a tone pleasing to his species.
Bad Movie Twins 