Oh man, get this. I was walking around in the Marianas Trench, as usual, when all of a sudden a bunch of small dinos attacked. Long story short I filled my head with water and swam around shooting them with my underwater gun. The only problem is I now have severe brain damage and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Meg 2: The Trench?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Uh oh, Statham is doing push ups in a cargo container during his time off from The Trench™ Inc. What is Statham’s side job at the opening of the film?
2) But what is Statham’s real job as well? What are they doing with The Trench™?
3) But uh oh!!!!!! What is the super secret bad guys doing in The Trench™?!?!?
4) And now the Megs are on the loose and they are attacking Fun Island (real storyline). There are two other weirdo deep sea creatures up from The Trench™ though. What are they?
5) Phew, they defeated all the monsters. Or wait a tick … did they? How did they stop the good Megalogon which went from above The Trench™ to below The Trench™ and now I guess lives in the real world?
Bonus Question: Well they’ve now fought three Megs, which probably is about the worst it could be, right? WRONG. Three years later Statham is doing pull ups on the bottom of the Marianas Trench, when the next big baddie shows up. What is it?
Answers
1) He’s stopping ecological corporate assholes from dumping garbage in the ocean. He’s a regular Captain Planet and his gang of friends are all Heart (awwwwwwww).
2) He drives a sub duhhhhhhhh. At the corporation that runs research operations to fully map The Trench™. And he also, mostly, runs rescue operations and also he is the father figure to the kid from the first film because they off hand mention that her mother died (probably in a freak Megalodon accident).
3) Well it turns out that the corporation isn’t mapping The Trench™ from the goodness of their heart. They are actually also secretly running a mining operation to mine unobtainium (probably) from the ocean floor which is world billions for a single rock (their words). Yeah … seems lucrative. You better get your best guys on that … oh no, ex-eco terrorists is what you got? Great.
4) Well there is a big octopus. There are people online who called it a kraken. It is obviously not a kraken, that makes no sense … it is obviously a deep sea octopus which can exist on the surface as well. That makes much much more sense. The other are some weird dinosaurs who legit swim at the bottom of the ocean and then pop up on land and eat people … what the hell movie!? I’m starting to believe that maybe Jason Statham couldn’t swim on the bottom of the Marianas Trench!
5) The main guy has been training a lost Megalodon to obey his commands. And everyone has been like … no way, it doesn’t give a shit about you, it’ll just eat you. But in the end he clicks his little clicker and it doesn’t eat him! The reasoning is up for debate, but for now that Meg lives and will probably be captured again and put in a big aquarium in the third film.
Bonus Answer: Remember that T-Rex at the beginning of the second film? Well, guess what? When that Meg ate him their DNA fused and it became a Tyrannosaurus Meg. “That’s just fine and dandy.” Statham says as he evacuates the Trench Base (again) and escapes to the surface. Whoops, once again we forgot that when you do that the monsters of the deep can become the monsters of the surface (again, this makes total sense). Not only that, but when Statham evacuates the entirety of Asia’s Pacific coast into the interior of China, he thinks everyone is safe, right? WRONG. This Tyrannosaurus Meg has legs. Little T-Rex legs. And it is now on land with all its little VelocoMegs as well running around. Some might say “wait a tick … is this just Jurassic World? Did you just Jurassic World us?” But Statham shouts out cockney phrases and we remember no … that’s right, Jurassic World stars Chris Pratt and he’s American. This is a different story in the water (usually) about dinosaurs. Obviously he gets the VelocoMegs to defeat the Tyrannosaurus Meg, and then in turn learns to train the VelocoMegs and put them in an amusement park called Jurassic Meg.
Totally different film. It is called Meg 3: Jurassic Meg: Rising Kingdom. And it is a totally different film franchise. It isn’t the same one.
Bad Movie Twins 