Jamie
Iron Eagles, assemble! And this is where me and Patrick swoop in flying mini fighter jets which transform like a couple transformers into Chris Klein and future academy award winner Josh Hartnett mechs. This is, of course, part of our bad movie themed children’s animated TV show, Two Guys, Two Bots and a Za Spot. Similar to the Bad Movie Twins storyline, this is the continuing adventure of me, Patrick, and our best friends CK-bot and JH-tron (and a pizza place). Unlike the BMT storyline there is less gleaming abs and hardcore frenching and more lessons learned and pizza. In this adventure we would be challenged to a race by Goobert and his Rude Tudes, but ultimately we would decline as it’s reckless and irresponsible. Meanwhile, CK-bot and JH-tron would go ahead and race them and make them look like total IDIOTS. Wait, what was I talking about?
To recap, Doug Masters is the hot dogging son of a hot shot pilot. While Doug’s hot dogging around his father gets shot down over [REDACTED]. At the same time he is rejected from the Air Force Academy (presumably for all the hot dogging), which is equally devastating. When it becomes obvious that the US government is going to do nothing to save his father (now sentenced to death) he recruits a former pilot, Chappy, to help him plan a clandestine and highly illegal rescue mission. At first Chappy doesn’t like all the rock music that Doug seems to need to aid in his hot dogging, but the seriousness with which the kid pursues the mission eventually grows on him. They are aided by a group of air force base youngsters who create a highly organized mission that may actually have a chance at success. The day comes and off they fly to take out all kinds of military installations in [REDACTED]. He hot dogs for a bit, blowing stuff up and killing like a thousand people. Chappy is hit and appears to crash in the sea, which only lights a fire under Doug. He demands the release of his father and despite some trickery by the Defense Colonel of [REDACTED] he’s able to kill loads more people and pick up his dad (what one might term The Ultimate Hot Dog). As they fly away it appears that they are going to be shot down, but at the last moment the US Air Force arrives and escorts them back home. There it’s revealed that Chappy survived! Hooray! They are both reprimanded, but in a cheeky twist Doug is “punished” by being forced to attend the Air Force Academy. Double hooray! THE END.
This is a very funny movie. Essentially they ripped off Top Gun but then decided to mix it up with Goonies. The whole time I was thinking, “I wonder how they are going to avoid having this kid blow up a bunch of people with the fighter jet he’s going to pilot?” The answer? They don’t. He just does it. It’s really no wonder that it almost immediately veers away from those family-friendly vibes and closer to an actual rip-off of Top Gun as they proceeded through the sequels. Besides that (and some very funny 80’s conservative political banter) it’s actually a pleasantly silly watch. As for Bitter Harvest, well… this is a film that kind of has to be seen to be believed. Very strange stuff. But get the kids out of the room because, despite Stephen Baldwin playing a totally weird dude, there are several very steamy sex scenes that you will be treated to. Kudos to the two lead actresses for really going for it. Despite it being steamy and off-putting at the same time (somehow), I do have to give the film credit for one thing: I did not see the ending coming.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Iron Eagle is a scathing indictment of the US Military. No, I don’t mean the fact that the US Government is ready to leave a US pilot hero behind enemy lines to be executed without any kind of mission planned. No, that makes some sense. Don’t want to start a war without exercising some caution. No, I mean the fact that Doug is able to execute a two-man fighter jet excursion into enemy territory by basically donning a helmet and jumping into a jet. This is a child. Isn’t anyone checking ID’s? Worrisome stuff. Hot Take Temperature: A piping hot hot dog straight off the grill.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Louis Gosset Jr. and a teenager committing high treason and killing dozens of people in an international incident involving David Suchet? Let’s go!
You heard that fucking right. In this film a teenager and Louis Gosset Jr. hop into fighter jets, fly across the ocean (including multiple mid-air refuels), kill dozens of people in definitely-not-Libya, personally kill the head of a sovereign nation’s defense administration in a dog fight, and then just … get away with it? Like they swear him to secrecy and stuff, but for real … are we at war with not-Libya? Right after the credits did I miss the part where we are now engaged in a land war in Africa?
Otherwise I mean … is this movie good? It’s goofy. But also, is that fine? Is it a good movie? I enjoyed it. It is explicitly propaganda with very weird messages about the military and government in general, but is an objectively fun film.
Suchet is funny because he is really only used as a villain in American productions and usually when they need someone “Arab adjacent” or possibly French (he is not, but he has a passable accent, possibly due in part to playing the famous Belgian detective Poirot on television). Lucky for me his inclusion allows me to ask the age old question for 90s films: Is this film how-you-say … racist? Verdict: one out of five Soldier Boyz.
Gosset Jr. is hilarious in this film, and he was really milking that Academy Award Winner sheen for all he got. All the power to him.
I could give or take the kid actors (although nice to see the kid from Teen Wolf killing it here too), especially the main character who acted a bit like the Karate Kid at his whiniest.
Some nice plane stunts in the beginning. That is probably the best bit to be honest.
The entire film would have been a bit more sensical if you took the beginning all the way through the planning stage, but then at the end Gosset Jr. came to him and was like “Sorry kid, but … I can’t let you do this mission. This is real shit. But I called in a few favors and they like the plan so I’m going in with a few wingmen and you’ll be in the room when it all goes down” and the message is basically like: sometimes you can’t take no for an answer, but also be smart and go through the right channels when real lives are on the line. In the end the result is the same (his father is saved), but ultimately the message is a bit softer and it makes far more sense that they are like: you’re really smart and you love flying, but most importantly you didn’t do the rash thing when it counted which is what we were worried about … you’re in the Air Force Academy kid. The End.
Did I make the film better or worse? I think better, but also I don’t think that film I just described has three hilarious sequels so … maybe the world is worse off in the long run.
And for this film we watched the very very (very) odd Stephen Baldwin film Bitter Harvest. So … what is this film? I can actually see why Stephen Baldwin did this film. On paper I’m sure it seemed pretty good. I’m sure the sex scenes weren’t so … explicit in writing. And it seems like a juicy part in that you are playing a somewhat odd and complex character. The thing that lets it down are the music is bonkers, and the sex scenes are graphic and unrelenting. You eliminate both of those and get a real director on this thing and it is possible you had a small forgotten indie on your hands instead of a small forgotten and tragically bad indie. You know what I mean? Anyways, I think this is a solid D. I would recommend this to no one. It is weird and you can find interesting stuff in it, but it is also crazy boring and took me a week to get through. This is a zero out of five on the how-you-say Soldier Boyz racism scale.
Obviously a Product Placement (What?) for the US Military Industrial Complex, just like with Top Gun. A pretty funny Fictional Setting (Where?) for definitely-not-Libya. I think the father is a living, breathing MacGuffin (Why?), because screw it. And I do love the amazing Worst Twist (How?) for Chappy being inexplicably alive at the end. This film is Good and I’ll fight anyone who thinks otherwise.
Read about my reboot in the Quiz. Cheerios,
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