‘Ello everyone! You know what really fucks you up? Like constant successive blasts from being in a warzone for basically decades. I have tinnitus and like a million concussions. I don’t even remember my own name half the time let alone this movie. Do you remember what happened in Expend4bles?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning Sly wants Statham to come and help him murder a bunch of people in cold blood. Why?
2) Cool cool cool. Anyways, what precisely are the big bad buys obtaining in … Libya? Somewhere in a desert. It is never very clear.
3) After getting fired for trying to save Sly’s life, Statham gets another job. What is it?
4) How does Statham then try and track the Expendable crew to their mission? After having sex with Megan Fox how does he actually do it?
5) So .. who’s Ocelot and how does Statham stop the boat from blowing up a nuke off the coat of Russia?
Bonus Question: Well the whole crew is back baby! But what is their next mission?
Answers
1) He lost his ring! Legitimately in a bet, but still, he wants Statham to come and beat up everyone and get it back because he doesn’t feel like doing it (and he’s old, which is the real reason I assume). But like … they put it on a dildo, so I guess killing a bunch of people make sense. But I guess the people were bad or something? Or maybe Sly Stallone is bad?
2) They are getting a nuke! Or, I think they are getting specifically some sort of control mechanism for the nuke which they already have but which is useless without the control mechanism. Either way, they are getting a nuke.
3) He’s the bodyguard / security for a streamer, and this guy is obnoxious and treats women like shit, so obvs Statham beats him up a bunch.
4) Well, first he breaks into their formerly shared apartment and just takes a gander at those top secret plans. But that is mostly fruitless (he merely ends up having sex with her when she catches him). In reality he them gifts a knife to her with a tracking mechanism. Spoiler alert: she knew it was there the whole time.
5) Ocelot is obviously Andy Garcia who was the boss of the Expendables the whole time. Statham drops anchor and guns it to flip the boat around and then they get it just far away from the coast of Russia as to, I guess, not cause an international incident. Luckily Sly wasn’t dead (who’d have thunk!?) and saves Statham as well in a helicopter right at the last minute.
Bonus Answer: Well … yeah, so the law caught up with Sly. He murdered someone. In cold blood. And he’s, well … expendable. So into prison he goes. So it looks like the Expendables have a new mission, and they are going to have to have an Escape Plan. First, Statham gets into the island prison that Sly is being housed in. Once inside they realize this is a real floating table situation. You know the thing. Where your food travels up on floating tables and you have to snag it to eat. And of course the robots, and the gladiator battles. It’s a real Fortress situation. Anyways. Once insider, 50 Cent (the computer whiz) exchanges a few IDs and now Megan Fox is now a security guard. Her and Statham obviously have sex in the prison and it is wild, but that is just some extra stuff. We don’t have to worry about that. In the end, they crash a plane into the prison with a boatload of boats, Statham dives into shark-infested waters, and they are off with only maybe 50 or 60 casualties. Once out Harrison Ford shows up and smirks and it like you done it again you old bastard hahaha.
Expendable5: Esc4ape Plan is the title of the film. Everyone at Tubi is very excited about it.
Bad Movie Twins 