Oh man, get this. I was an ancient hero, but I’ve been asleep / dead / imprisoned for like 5000 years. Now I can’t remember a thing (and what are these magic phone devices!). Do you remember what happened in Black Adam?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) What mineral does the eeeeevil kind need to create the Crown of MacGuffin … I mean Crown of Sabbac?
2) Obviously Black Adam makes a very good first impression … he killed like one hundred people. Sure they are bad people but still. At the end though he is injured. That isn’t supposed to happen, how does it happen?
3) Oh shit we got a team? Name the four “good guys” who are sent to take on Black Adam.
4) After a bunch of CGI nonsense the kid gets captured. How do they find him again?
5) Oh man, what a twist!! Who is Black Adam really? Who was the real champion of Kahndaq?
Bonus Question: Now that the DCEU is done, my agent is trying to get me to pitch my new comic book mega series to them. What did I decide to make it about?
Answers
1) Eternium. This is a very very blatant knock off of Black Panther and Wakanda. I understand it probably came before, but it is kind of nuts how close it feels when you see this after seeing Black Panther. It is never really made clear what Eternium is, but you need it to make a magic crown I guess and make motorcycles fly.
2) Eternium. I do like that the answer to both of the first questions are the same. Turns out Eternium is basically like … Shazam’s Kryptonite maybe. It can hurt him which isn’t supposed to happen.
3) Cyclone, who can control the wind, but also is a computer hacker and a super genius. Atom Smasher, who is actually not the original, but is the nephew of the original and inherited his powers and wears his vintage suit. Kent aka Doctor Fate who has a nifty helmet and seems to be able to see the future and has god-like powers. And Hawkman which I’m really hoping is just a rich dude who dresses like a hawk.
4) Well they take a few prisoners (much to Black Adam’s chagrin), but he’s like fine … I guess prisoners are good. Then he flies both of them up in the air and says he won’t drop whomever answers first. One of them give up the goods, but Black Adam drops them anyways, and Hawkman saves them. But now they know where the kid is.
5) Black Adam is the champion’s father. After the champion’s many victories his enemies killed his mother and nearly his father. When he found his father he chose to give up his power to his father to save him and then dies soon after. So Black Adam goes and kills a bunch of people in revenge and the Shazam wizards imprison him.
Bonus Answer: You better believe I’m just pitching a sequel to this film, and it’ll be as successful as the second Shazam I’m sure … maybe even more so, but maybe don’t bet on that. Anyways, in this one Black Adam is just like, bored you know. He is protecting Kahndaq, that’s cool. But there is something missing. A researcher comes and implores him to help her find the Staff of Aggerbahnd. Its power can bind the Four Winds of Carpathia and could threaten the Power of the Elementals. If the power gets disbalanced the Earth itself could break open and release the hidden Power of the Core. That’s cool, at least it might be interesting. As they travel to a very affordable vacation spot on the coast of Croatia the researcher is intrigued. Like …what is it to be a man out of time? Well, weird, he doesn’t really get TikTok, and he … suddenly their hands touch. Literal electricity sparks and he laughs and she laughs and it is like, wait, is this what he’s missing. Like, sure, he’s a bit old for a love interest story maybe. Does he give off more of “dad” energy these days? But he can’t deny there is something there. Just as they get to know each other and find the Staff of Aggerbahnd there is a bit of a turn … yeah, she wanted to control the Four Winds of Carpathia herself to break open the earth and harness the Power of the Core to control the Elementals. Bah, he knew he was too old for a love story. FUCK. The last 40 minutes of the film is just CGI The Rock flying around and exploding Elementals, then an additional 40 minutes is him saying goodbye to everyone and deciding to join the Justice League because at least then he can distract himself from his crushing loneliness, and the only person who seems to understand that is Bruce Wayne. DANG. In the stinger he’s hanging with Bruce and it turns out hey … bromances can survive at any age. And in the final credit teaser they are watching the Gotham Whatevers play football and The Rock cracks a smile. Hey, maybe the future ain’t so bad after all.
The movie is called Black Adam: Out of Time, and sure the three hour runtime might feel like a bit much, but the back third where it is more of an indie drama I think might turn some heads.
Bad Movie Twins 