Oh man, so get this. I’m a puppet. And I live in a world of puppets. But I just had a run in with some vicious (-ly cute) Boston Terriers and now I’m all torn to shreds and can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in The Happytime Murders?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Let’s just nip this one in the bud right off the bat: why is Phil Phillips no longer on the force?
2) And why is Detective Connie Edwards (Melissa McCarthy) addicted to sugar now?
3) So obviously the film is about some titular Happytime Murders, but what is the original reason Sandra White hires Phil?
4) In the end the entire cast of The Happytime Gang are murdered except for one. How are all of them murdered?
5) What is all this about? Why are people getting murdered (by Sandra BTW if that wasn’t obvious)?
Bonus Question: My agent just got a call asking me to write the next big adult puppet film. What am I going to write it about?
Answers
1) Years prior he was the star of the LAPD and also the first puppet. He was there to prove puppets could be cops despite being discriminated against and looked down on, and he was also one of the LAPD’s best marksmen. But during a confrontation with a puppet his partner (McCarthy) is taken hostage, and Phil screws up, misses the shot which then ricochets off a pillar and kills a nearby puppet in front of his daughter. This leaves Phil in disgrace and accused of intentionally missing because they think he he is unwilling to kill puppets.
2) In that same incident in which Phil killed a puppet, McCarthy gets shot right in the liver. In a desperate attempt to save her life he brings her to a puppet emergency room and forces them to give her a puppet liver transplant. Being part puppet means she can handle huge amounts of sugar but also becomes desperately addicted to it.
3) She is getting blackmailed for all of the crazy sex she’s having since she is a nymphomaniac. This gives Phil his first lead though as the blackmailer’s letter uses a specific porn magazine as one of its sources.
4) Alright, so first we meet the bunny (Bumblypants) in the porn shop and he is shot in an apparent robbery turned bad. After that Phil’s brother (who was the only famous one left really) is torn to shreds by some very cute small dogs. In pursuit of a lead they visit the Lyle (now a drug dealer) and, again, he is shot in what is set up to look like a drive-by. At this point they split up, and McCarthy goes and sees the now destitute Goofer who ultimately drowns / is made to look like he overdosed. Meanwhile Phil meets up with the only human (and surviving) member of the gang, Jenny, as she seems to die (in a car explosion), but that’s a fake (obviously). And finally they meet up with the now cult leaders Ezra and Cara where they are already all torn apart.
5) It is all about that royalty money. The Happytime Gang cast being mostly puppets were paid like shit during the original run of the show, but as it is going to enter syndication soon it is revealed that all of the original cast are poised for a windfall. This large sum of money will be split between all surviving members of the cast … you see where this is going. Yeah, the more people are murdered the fewer people there are to split the money with.
Bonus Answer: I wonder … so people online seem to be itching for one of those classic Muppet send-em-ups you know? What would be a funny one to do though in the context of more recent films? What about Tango & Cash? It is called Kermit & Gonzo. Kermit is a straight-laced investor/detective who takes down drug dealers by night, and makes boatloads in his portfolio by day. Gonzo on the other hand lives in squalor and just really HATES rulez (even though he also upholds the law and knows they are, in fact, coolz). When an eeeeevil industrialist / drug dealer gets his shipment hijacked by the pair, he needs them out of the way. And so he frames them for muder. This guy is obviously played by George Clooney (but who are we kidding, it’s actually played by Mike Myers). The best bit of the film is obviously the escape from the prison, but one can’t deny that the Robert Z’dar puppet was eerily similar to the man himself. It really does play out mostly as a straight adaptation of Tango & Cash, but perhaps this can be a set up for the sequel we’ve all been waiting for.
I would genuinely have believed you if you told me Muppets in Prison was the first adult-adjacent Muppet film and that it was mostly a straight adaptation of Tango & Cash. I’m in line day one.
Bad Movie Twins 