Oh boy, so get this. I’m a big ol’ saddo daddo and I just can’t get my shit together to help my friends out. I’m so sad in fact, that it is almost like I have brain damage … I can’t remember a thing about what it is to love. Do you remember what happened in Collateral Beauty?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Will Smith is the man, man. His career and family are the best … but whoops, his daughter gets sick and now he’s a saddo daddo. What does he do in the office all day?
2) Why do Will Smith’s friends need to collect dirt on him to prove he is so saddo daddo that he is actually not responsible enough to deal with the company anymore?
3) The crux of the film surrounds three letters and three corresponding actors meant to play the recipients of those letters. Who are these three “people”?
4) The three friends (coincidentally? Hardly) are also at a crossroads in their lives which correspond to these three “people” as well. What are the three issues they are going through?
5) In what is surely a financial crime the friends succeed. While signing the necessary paperwork Will Smith also signs another piece of paper. What did that piece of paper concern?
Bonus Question: Just as I’m finishing up Collateral Beauty the phone rings. Ah it is my agent Charlie, and he doesn’t sound clinically insane at all. What does he want?
Answers
1) He plays with dominos. So much so that the entire advertising campaign surrounding the movie and the poster seemed to be oriented around dominos somehow? It is weird.
2) They need that money yo. Well, actually, without Will Smith’s connections the company is floundering and they are losing clients left and right. They have an offer for an aquihire which will allow the company to continue, while giving the founders and employees equity to continue, and also (purportedly) to allow for some creative independence still. But they need Will Smith to sign on as he actually owns a majority of the company having bought out some of Edward Norton’s stake when Norton was hard up for money.
3) Love, Death, and Time. Because Will Smith now hates all of these entities. He can’t love anymore, he didn’t get enough time with his daughter, and death took the only thing he cared about in the world from him. So see yah, wouldn’t want to be yah (is the gist of it).
4) Edward Norton is struggling with Love. He is divorced, his ex-wife is remarried, his daughter won’t speak to him, and he is too guilt-ridden to fight for what he wants: a relationship with his daughter. So Love is there to help him out. Michael Pena, it turns out, has battled cancer twice in his life, but it has come back and this time it appears to be terminal, right at the moment when he had a child as well. He is contemplating Death, while also trying to spare his family from grief, but ultimately he has to face that fact that their grief isn’t something he is allowed to control. And finally, Kate Winslet was Will Smith’s mentee and has been killing it in her career, but it now facing the hard truth that being a mother might have passed her by. Contemplating sperm donors she wonders if single motherhood is her path, and is truly Time has passed her by. In the end she realizes that she has all the time in the world, and there is no need to rush into things.
5) There was a piece of paper the company lawyers have wanted him to sign for months, which specifically had to do with a trust that he had set up with the company for his now deceased daughter. Since the recipient is deceased Will Smith just has to sign a form to say this is true and the money will be liquidated. He does it and then goes and sees his wife (who is also a grief counselor) and they reconcile. Happy endings all around.
Bonus Answer: Man, he’s just real depressed. You see, his script was passed over by another producer and you know … it was like a child to him. And now he’s all down in the dumps because it is like his child died. As a matter of fact … It’s like that producer killed his child. Uh oh, I’m not sure I like the wild look in this guy’s eyes. He quickly reels off three letters. The first is to Love: “See yah, wouldn’t want to be yah, fuck you” is all it says. The second is to Time: “I got all the time in the world, fuck you” is it’s entire contents. And finally to Death: “See you soon … but also fuck you” Uh … Charlie, you doing alright? You aren’t going to do anything rash are you? Charlie looks up at me, his eyes gleaming. “Did I ever tell you what my middle name was?” Uh, no. What is it? “… Bronson.” Cool name I guess, Charlie Bronson … Charles Bronson … oh shoot! You have a Death Wish VI don’t you?! As he goes off, presumably to gun down a bunch of minor producers in a misguided attempt to clean up the filthy streets of Hollywood, I think to myself: “Daaaaaaaaaang, I need to get a new agent.”
The film is called Death Wish VI: Hard Pass and it is coming to my new streaming service Bronson+ this summer.
Bad Movie Twins 