Oh man, so get this. I have a beautiful mind. You knew that. But did you know my beautiful mind could destroy the universe! Welp, that’s why the baddies captured me, and bopped me on the head. Now I can’t remember a thing (my mind is not quite as beautiful!). Do you remember what happened in The Dark Tower?
1) The Dark Tower can be taken down by the mind of a child. The attempt to destroy the tower is causing issues in the real world as well. What?
2) Jake keeps seeing the numbers 19-19 in his dreams. What does it refer to?
3) What, in reality, makes Jake so special? Hint: It forges a connection with other works of Stephen King.
4) And what a twist! What are the guns that the last Gunslinger uses forged from?
5) How does Roland ultimately kill the Man in Black?
Bonus Question: Oh, shoot. It’s my new agent Edgar. I should probably take this. What does he want?
Answers
1) Obviously the major issue is that it is causing Jake to have some bad dreams (oh no!). But also it is causing a lot of earthquakes in the surrounding city as well.
2) Mid-world. And in an old broken down house in Brooklyn he finds a transporter which takes him there. But uh oh, I think that might be causing him some problems in the near future with the Man in Black.
3) He’s got that shine yo! Yeah, that’s right. As in The Shining. And so that makes him a very powerful psychic, which means he can defeat things like house demons and junk, but I assume it also means his Beautiful Mind can shatter The Dark Tower?
4) From the sword of the original Gunslinger, Arthur … you know? Fucking EXCALIBUR! That’s right, they are knights of the round table and the sword was made into some guns. Pretty neat lore you got there, would be a shame if your movie was panned …
5) With his heart! At least that’s what the aphorism says. In reality, he kills him by shooting him in the heart. But with like … a super sweet trick move. It is like oh I’m shooting you right there, and the Man in Black is all like, cool I’m gonna catch that bullet, but then it is all like psych, actually I’m going to shoot a second bullet which will hit the first bullet into his heart. The End!
Bonus Answer: He wants my beautiful mind! … For a script. Which is my job. So I head over there and there just seems like something is off with him. He seems agitated, and his skin is kind of falling off. I don’t like the wild look in this guy’s eyes. At that moment him and a gang of rat people capture me and explain their whole master plan: They know that the universe is protected by a layer of poorly adapted Stephen King related media. The only way to destroy that protection is to create a good adaptation of one of his seminal works (Impossible! I cry). That’s why they need my beautiful mind. They strap me into their AI powered script-o-matic idea-sucking machine and my beautiful mind is distilled directly into a brand spanking new adaptation of ‘salem’s Lot. But as they gleefully read it their faces drop. What the fuck is this they say as they slowly turn toward me. Exhausted and covered in sweat and start to laugh. “It is the fifteen hour adaptation of ‘salem’s Lot, complete with the dumb apostrophe-non-capital-s at the beginning of the title.” At that moment the boss of the agency walks in, takes a look at the giant expensive looking script-o-matic, takes the truly magnificent perfect adaptation of ‘salem’s Lot, reads a few pages and say … “Can’t sell, you’re fired Edgar.” Shoot … I need a new agent.
After watching the 6 hour adaptation of Lonesome Dove I’ve come to the conclusion that for every hundred pages of well paced story one needs about 45 minutes of well paced movie. So really, jokes on Edgar, The Dark Tower: ‘salem’s Lot could have been a three hour epic easily.
Bad Movie Twins 