Oh man, so get this. I’m Mister Web, Madame Web’s long lost brother. But also get this, instead of giving me like future predicting powers instead the spider bite just made me super sick and gave me amnesia. Now I can’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Madame Web?
1) A bit of set up here. Madame Web falls into a river and reawakens her nascent spider powers. What was she doing when she fell into the river?
2) Meanwhile, the eeeeeeeevil Ezekial Sims is just using spider powers for evil, nbd. But he has an issue, and that issue is a super scary dream. What happens in this dream?
3) In order to address this dream Ezekial decides he basically needs like … that computer system Morgan Freeman builds for Batman in The Dark Knight. How does Ezekial get that sweet computer system?
4) Oooooo, actual trivia. What song do the girls dance to in the diner?
5) In the finale at the fireworks factory in Queens Madame Web uses her uh … like teleportation powers or some shit to save the girls. What super secret power do they use (that Madame Web taught them) to save her life in turn?
Bonus Question: Right after getting out of my fifth showing of Madame Web, puzzled as always (I need to see it a sixth time I guess) I get a call from my agent Harold. What does he want?
Answers
1) She’s saving lives yo. She’s an EMT and there is a car which is precariously perched on the edge of a bridge. So she just climbs in and saves the day … but then the car falls in the river and she has to be saved by Uncle Ben (although you definitely don’t know that he’s Uncle Ben yet … definitely).
2) Three Spider-Young-Ladies attack him in his swanky penthouse apartment and totally own him like a punk. And he doesn’t want to be owned like a punk!! So now he needs to find these ladies so that he can change the future and not be owned by them like a punk.
3) Well, first he goes to the opera. In order to make your body right you have to feed your mind and your soul. But like, there isn’t any reason you can’t knock out two birds with one stone and mix some business with pleasure, because he also happens to know the quite attractive head of probably the NSA or something is also there. Because he’s so freakin’ hot, he just picks her up (I assume with his encyclopedic knowledge of opera), beds her, steals her NSA ID, and then kills her. Et voila, he’s hacked the Gibson and he’s in like Flynn.
4) You know it is Toxic by Brittany. And it is excellent. It reminds you of why music was so goddang good back then right around the time when you were a kid and listening to the radio on the way to school … nowadays music sucks, amirite?
5) The power of CPR babyyyyyyyy! That’s right, in a scene which is meant to evoke the power of maternal love, Madame Web spiritually adopts these three wayward girls and teaches them everything she knows … which is basically like EMT stuff, that is probably really all Madame Web knows. But good thing, because then they perform CPR and Madame Web lives to see another day … well not see. She goes blind and is paralyzed and so she now wears super sweet sunglasses and has a cool wheelchair. I cannot wait for Madame Web 2: Revenge on The Sunglass Hut Employee Who Sold Dumb Sunglasses to a Blind Person.
Bonus Answer: He seems a bit confused, apparently I got some message from an evil sounding guy from the Amazon who said something about a spider. Hell yeah. And Harold, do you want to be my bodyguard? You seem harmless enough. When we arrive I meet up with my guide who shows me a sweet spider web. “Yeah that seems like it!” I scream directly in Harold’s face. What is it, some spider? Oh, I forgot you didn’t know, it is a spider which can imbue you with incredible screenwriting powers. I’m going to use it to write a sequel to Madame Web. Right then Harold pulls out a gun and shoots me in the chest. “Now I will make the multi-billion dollar sequel Madame Web 2: Premonitions.” Bastard I wheeze. But just then spider people flip out of the trees and put me in a magic spider pool curing me of all my ills. Meanwhile, back in New York, Harold is just finishing up the truly brilliant Madame Web 2. It is glorious. Literally Citizen Kane. Right then I flip in and karate chop him right in the neck. As he lays dying he weakly says, “I understand, but don’t let my art go to waste.” Nope, I toss the script in the fireplace. “Don’t take notes.” He is flabbergasted, “Uh … well I guess you have spider abilities, so write an equally good sequel?” Nope, I just have karate chop powers. I’m like … an okay screenwriter so I’ll go for it. As I bounce I hear him curse me out and then die. Daaaaaang, now I need a new agent.
My sequel is called Madame Web 2: I Can See Into the Future and it was a hard pass. Eh, can’t win them all.
Bad Movie Twins 