Jamie
Buckle up. Madame Web came. Madame Web saw. Madame Web conquered. It’s the classic example of a film where me and Patrick look at each other and said, “If this doesn’t qualify for BMT then we should just pack it in.” Never a doubt, my friends. BMT continues for another day. It saw all the fun that people were having at its expense and essentially was like “oh yeah, well it’s even crazier than you thought it would be.” People complained that the funny line in the trailer wasn’t in the film. You know why? Because even funnier lines were ADR’d into the film in its place. This. Movie. Rocked.
To recap, Cassandra Webb is an EMT in NYC having come up through the foster system after her mother was killed in the rainforests of Peru while researching spiders whose bite can give people special powers. After experiencing a near death experience she starts to see the future. Meanwhile, her mother’s murderer, Ezekial Sims, having used the spiders to give himself powers, begins a hunt for three girls, Julia, Anya, and Mattie, who he can see eventually lead to his death. Cassie starts to get a handle on her powers after seeing one of her friends die and not being able to do anything about it. On the way to his funeral she has a flash that shows the three girls being killed by Ezekial. She gathers them up and goes on the run, inadvertently being mistaken for their kidnappers. She hides them away in the forest. While she goes to gather supplies, they get themselves in trouble and are nearly killed by Ezekial. Realizing that she needs help, Cassie leaves them with her friend Ben Parker and heads to Peru where she meets up with the spider people that helped save her when her mother was killed. They tell her all kinds of spider mumbo jumbo just in time for her to return and realize the girls are in trouble. She swoops in and saves them and then heads to a firework factory for the big… fireworks. Ezekiel follows and they fight a bunch. They realize that Cassie can change the future and was always meant to kill Ezekial and she drops a delicious Pepsi sign on his head. She’s injured in the blast, though, and is left blind and in a wheelchair. Oh, did I say she’s left blind and in a wheelchair? I mean that she was left in a rad futuristic wheelchair sporting the dopest sunglasses this side of New York City. THE END (or is it? IT IS))
Did I mention that this movie rocked? It ironically rocked to the extreme. I felt bad for a second because there were some little kids in the theater that seemed to be enjoying themselves unironically (irony only develops later in life) and I had to stifle my laughter for the last, oh, thirty minutes of the film. The climax is nuts with the giant Pepsi sign and the serious (?) setting at a literal fireworks factory. But when she shows up in a high tech wheelchair and some crispy dope futuristic sunglasses circa Demolition Man I was actually laughing out loud. They must have at least been a little in on the joke at that point, right? Dakota Johnson had to have taken one glance at those sunglasses and thought, “oh shit, I guess I’m in this kind of movie. No amount of ADR and CGI can save me from those sunglasses.” This is all without mentioning the craziest part of the entire film: almost every single line the bad guy said was ADR’d. It’s like Val Kilmer in The Snowman level of craziness. This. Movie. Rocked.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m willing to say it… I don’t think she’s blind at the end. I also think she can walk. She is a super spider woman. She survived death without a scratch earlier in the film. We are meant to believe that suddenly spider powers mean nothing? Spiderman can be thrown around like a ragdoll and is fine and Cassie gets some sparklers in her eyes and she’s donzo? I don’t think so. She just wanted to cruise around in that wheelchair and rock those sunglasses. Who wouldn’t? She sits around all day with a trio of babes bringing her chinese food and saying “your sunglasses are so cool,” (presumably). Sign me up. Hot Take Temperature: Fireworks.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about my mother studying spiders in the Amazon right before she died?! Let’s go!
Oooooooooooooooooh hell yeah. Like Argylle? Whatever. A weird film. Good to get a Vaughn in since he genuinely seems like one of the weirder “Blank Check” directors around at the moment. But this? This is glorious. This might as well be Cats it is such a bizarre strange delight. Great to see it in theaters live.
People attempt to deny it, but I feel like there is something undeniably intriguing about Dakota Johnson as an actress … I don’t know what it is. But the almost deadpan delivery, and amusing detachment, it is hard to describe, but it just comes across as kind of cool and elevating. It is no exception here. She is one of the only bright spots of the film I feel like.
The second is Sydney Sweeney who is the best actress of the three young ladies in the film, and kind of for the same reason. Like … there is something that shouldn’t work with how she delivers lines. But it works in almost everything I’ve seen her in.
The bad guy … woooooooooof. They ADRed everything and it was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. I’m sure it was just because of some weird reason where they didn’t like his strange Peruvian accent he was affecting or something. It was weird.
Great use of Toxic by Brittany though.
And the ending at a literal fireworks factory was also a faintly amusing touch.
And of course we get to see baby Spiderman and secret Uncle Ben as well.
And then the film ends with her in a wheelchair with no joke the craziest pair of sunglasses I’ve ever seen. YOU HAVE TO SEE THESE FUCKING SUNGLASSES!!
What a very strange but very entertaining and weird film. What a great addition to the annals of BMT. Dare I suggest … a Hall of Fame film?
I do love the several instances of Product Placement (What?) involving Pepsi including at the (real life) giant Pepsi sign in Queens (apparently). And obviously a hilarious Worst Twist (How?) on the reveal that Madame Web owns a hilarious pair of sunglasses. Wait, that isn’t it, it was that the Ben we knew and loved throughout the film was indeed THAT Uncle Ben. This movie is BMT through and through, it is great.
Read about the sequel that will never be made in the Quiz, Cheerios,
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