Jamie
Oh hi, there. It’s me, Franchise Man. You may remember me best from when I demanded that they make another Mummy movie starring Tom Cruise. I’m here to tell you about something very important to me. In an age where franchise technology has innovated to create all manner of franchise extension I believe we’ve lost sight of franchise’s greatest weapon: the remake. Why must we constrain ourselves with previously created lore? Why must we always consider the fans of the franchise and how they feel? What about how I feel? I feel like creating something almost exactly the same as the original… is that so wrong? And maybe I’ll add some jump scares… or something… I don’t know. All I know is that I should be able to look to the past and then produce a ghostly specter of the film that people loved. Something so ghastly that it will haunt the fans for decades to come. Is that not horrific? Is that not terrifying? Am I not Franchise Man?
To recap, Eric and Amy (and their three kids, Madison, Griffin, and Kendra) are moving on down. Eric has lost his job and is holding out for something perfect. Meanwhile he’s battling the scariest thing of all… credit card debt. Aaahhhhhhhhh. Why are you spending all that money, Eric? Time to tighten that belt! You have three kids rapidly approaching college age! Spoooookkkyyyy. When they move into the new house they find it spooktakular. This is put into stark relief when the parents go out to a dinner party and come home to find the two older children actively being attacked by their greatest fears (old people and trees, I guess) and the youngest, Madison, sucked into some poltergeist realm. Turns out she’s got the Shine (but not really, we don’t want to get sued). The family begins to fall apart and they look anywhere for help. This includes a professor of the paranormal and a host of a paranormal TV show. These jokesters come in and start doing all their stuff. They pretty quickly realize that they are in fact afraid of these ghosts and busting feels better in theory than in practice. They end up finding a path out of the poltergeist realm, but how are they going to help Madison find the path? Oh I know! A drone! But what if that drone crashes. Oh I know! Griffin will overcome his fears and go after Madison himself. He is able to rescue Madison and then it’s a mad scramble to get out of the house before it is sucked into Poltergeist World. Ultimately the TV host sacrifices himself to help them escape… or maybe not. It’s hard to tell. THE END.
I started this film and I was ready to be like “a bold take on Poltergeist, I like it! Franchise Man!” But I was quickly disabused of that notion. Sure we get a little taste of what they were going for. The family is all afraid. The dad is afraid he won’t be able to provide. The mom that she isn’t a good enough writer. The son of… everything. The oldest daughter is addicted to her phone (afraid of the world?). As a result the youngest daughter is left alone. So alone that her only solace is the spirit world that she can communicate with. Great start, guys. From there it is chaos only a Franchise Man could love. The ending it so bad that it’s probably only saved from being on some “worst endings of all time” lists because no one saw this movie or remembers it exists. Sigh. I wanted to like you Poltergeist.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Um… you ever think that maybe it’s the family that’s in Poltergeist World and the daughter is in the real world. Wooooaaahhhh. Credit card debt up the wazoo. No job prospects. Squirrels in the attic. Uh… clowns… also in the attic. I mean, sounds like the whole family is dealing with a horrorshow, doesn’t it? Maybe the real world looks like a ghost realm of terror to those living through the real terror of this family’s life. Have I hooked you yet? Good, then buckle up for my new movie I’m directing: Credit Card Debt: The Movie. Rated NC-17. Hot Take Temperature: Jared Harris.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Are we talking about Poltergeist … again?! Let’s go!
I don’t really begrudge an attempt to redo a movie. They are redoing The Running Man soon. I just watched the first Running Man. It was kind of fun … kind of weird too and not at all like the book, so there is room for some improvement. Want to try and reboot Nightmare on Elm Street? Hey why not? Could be a lot of stuff to mine out of “an evil guy is so evil he can kill you in your dreams” idea without having to deal with the truly demented amount of lore.
Poltergeist was a really fun and interesting movie with some pretty cool 80s horror moments. But nothing so great that it can’t be tried again, and the sequels are really terrible and so being able to extend stuff works and could be fun!
This movie is pointless though. It didn’t try and take any of the cool stuff from the original, the actors top to bottom are less fun than in the original, and the idea is even lamer couched in nonsensical connections to the 2008 financial crisis (kind of).
Cool stuff from the original: the suggestion that really the ghosts just needed a way to go home. Some of the practical effects, and the psychic.
Stuff that is much lamer in the reboot: the suggestions that the ghosts are just like evil and want to steal the young girl for some reason, the much lamer practical effects, and the much lamer psychic who is now a History Channel hack I guess.
The movie is also not scary, and it doesn’t do a good job playing to its strength (which is punching way above its weight in getting Rockwell).
I guess where does this rank on the Poltergeist rankings? I think third. The third film is really dire and is actually just messily made. This is at least kind of harmless. The first and second are both much better though even though the second has its own problems (making everyone unlikeable and suffering from a severe case of over-explainitis).
Great Product Placement (What?) for Apple where a huge part of the film is Sam Rockwell buying a new sweet iPhone for his daughter. A pretty nice Setting as a Character (Where?) for Illinois, which is just all over license plates and stuff. And naturally a Worst Twist (How?) for reupping the same twist at the end of the original which was much better in that one as well. I think this is Bad, it is just not an interesting or inventive reboot, it’s lazy.
Read about my new rebooted sequel in the Quiz. Cheerios,
The Sklogs
Bad Movie Twins 