Jamie
Cooooohh-llateral. I can’t help but say it that way in my head whenever I think about this movie (which is often). The reason is a bit funny. One of our brothers was in college and we were talking with him on the phone and he said that he was going to do a double feature at the movies (maybe it was bad weather… or maybe he was hungover… or maybe none of this memory is accurate). As I recall he was rubbing his hands together contemplating the beauty of a Rollerball-Collateral Damage back-to-back-jack afternoon. Anyway, when he described this delectable treat he continually extended the Coooooooohh in Collateral Damage. Again, I can’t recall how accurate this might be. But does it matter? Fake, real, it all ends in Cooooohhhhhhh-llateral.
To recap, Gordy is a firefighter just loving life and loving his family. Nothing could go wrong in his perfect life, right? Wrong. That’s because El Lobo (The Wolf for all those that don’t habla espanol) strikes LA and Gordy’s wife and child are caught in the blast (eeesh). The police are like “cool it” but Gordy will not cool it. He’s not cool AT ALL and travels to Colombia to get El Lobo. A CIA agent, Brandt, is also not cool AT ALL and before the government can pull operations he sets up a big raid to try to take down El Lobo as well. When Gordy arrives in Colombia he is immediately arrested like a dope, but not before saving a little boy from an accident. I’m sure that won’t be relevant. He is then able to escape prison and uses a fellow prisoner to get a fake work pass for one of El Lobo’s facilities. He goes there, rigs up a bunch of bombs, and blows it sky high. Unfortunately he is captured and it looks like he’s going to be killed until the mother of the kid he saved stops El Lobo from killing him (wow, how convenient). He is held prisoner by the group, but when Brandt stages a raid on the compound he is able to escape with the woman and the child. They all travel back to the US to try to stop the next attack on DC. The woman helps them track the terrorists and foil the plan, but in the process Gordy realizes it’s all a ruse and foils the real plan. He goes after the woman who turns out to be the real El Lobo (what a twist!) and a battle ensues. After some sweet ax combat and explosions and shit Gordy, who is honestly built like Mr. Universe or something, is able to foil the last plan (I promise). Ultimately everyone is pretty happy that Gordy saved the day and they reward him with custody of that small child he’s been toting across the globe. THE END.
There is always a temptation to be like “boy they should go back to how things were done in the 90’s and make good action flicks again.” The argument has merit, but sometimes you gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself. Sometimes when you do that you end up making Collateral Damage which should be titled Collateral Boring, am I right? For all the explosions and junk the whole venture is quite dull. I’m really not even sure what would zazz it up a bit… maybe Rob Schneider? It’s difficult to say. Probably they just needed someone younger and hungrier to take on the script. When an action star ages, there is the temptation to go full contemplative. That they hate the violence and the life that their big muscles have forced them into. They mumble about how sad it all is that they have to shoot and punch all these people. Sly Stallone does this contemplative turn the best in things like Get Carter, but we have it here too with Arnold. You know what? I think a really bonkers bad guy would have done this wonders. That’s my solution. Because I just wasn’t that entertained.
Hot Take Clam Bake! I’m going to say it… Gordy would simply not be awarded that child in the end. That is a small child who has been brought from Colombia. He is a Colombian citizen. You don’t get custody of a kid by calling dibs. Also, Gordy just demonstrated some crazy risky behavior. I’m not sure throwing everything away to accomplish several extrajudicial bombings on foreign soil demonstrates the stable and nurturing atmosphere that this child needs. ALSO, this is the child of the people responsible for killing his wife and kid… no one seeing an issue with that? We’re all cool with that home situation? Hot Take Temperature: Exploding Toy Dinosaur.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! Hmmm Extreme Damage? Nah … Explosive Damage? Naw … Collateral Damage?! That’s it. Let’s go!
Top line: In a way this is an okay movie stuck in the wrong time. The bad guy espousing the inability for the American people to understand the struggle of a people in the context of a global struggle to survive … released a year after 9/11. This is entirely by accident, but does come across as completely tone deaf.
What I remember about this film from the time it came out was that it was the last major Arnold release of the time. He would become Governor of California the next year and his career would be on hiatus during that time (obviously). I also remember the trailer and making fun of it because it seemed very silly … but then I also remember being excited for a new Arnold film as a teenager and then it came out and sucked and bombed. So there we go.
Arnold is his usual self with barely any acting chops, but somehow the film comes across as dour and he is a sad dad Arnold dad and ends up lacking his usual charm.
The twist at the end is pretty nutso. They inexplicably bring the wife of the terrorist to the U.S. where it turns out she is the actual mastermind and has infiltrated the counter terrorism headquarters and almost blows everyone to smithereens? That would be one boneheaded move by Arnold if he hadn’t also saved the day.
Bottom line: This movie mostly sucks. The action sucks, the acting sucks, and the premise sucks … and yet. For mindless action it is pretty hard to screw things up so badly you don’t at least appreciate the beginning and ending set pieces. If only they could have figured out something to do in the middle …
And no, wandering around Colombia shopping for Colombian orphans doesn’t count. And I know he wasn’t an orphan … yet. He was once Arnold killed his ‘rents though. Problem solved.
A solid South American Setting as a Character (Where?) for the dystopian vision of Colombia. I don’t think I’ll throw a MacGuffin in for the generic revenge angle at all. But definitely a Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that Selena is in on it and trying to blow up the State Department. I think this movie is Bad in the end, I don’t think I would recommend it as an action film and it isn’t entertaining enough as an action film or an Arnold film to work.
I’ll leave it short. Check out the television spin off series in the Quiz. Cheerios,
The Sklogs
Bad Movie Twins 