Jamie
I’m trying to think whether I would have said this story before… it’s possible. Let’s find out together. So back in the day there would have been occasional family trips to NYC. We’d see the sights and sounds and family. Have a frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity. Have a fancy dinner we couldn’t have at home like French or Sushi. And usually we’d go see a movie. Because of the age ranges we would usually split. Older going to a more mature film and younger to sillier stuff. Assassins was one of those “for mature audiences only” choices that we didn’t get to go to. But I recall hearing about how someone shoots someone with a gun concealed in a cast. Which is how I always thought of the movie. People with broken arms shooting at people. Anyway, it’s pretty much impossible for us to know exactly what we got to partake in, but judging from what was out the best guess is The Big Green. Classic.
To recap, Assassins! Sly Stallone is our titular “hero.” He talks to his computer who tells him who to kill for cash money. He is starting to get all philosophical about it as a Stallone is wont to do, haunted by the memory of killing his mentor. But he can’t retire yet… because of the money. Anyway, on his latest job a young upstart hitman swoops in for the kill. Stallone’s like “boo,” and starts to chase this mysterious Bain. While doing this he is given a new job: kill Electra and retrieve a disc of data she stole. When he arrives at the location where Electra is selling the disc he finds that she (she?!) has set up an elaborate system to evade capture and that Bain is there. Before Bain can get to them Stallone makes a decision to spare her. He ends up trying to exchange the disc for even more money (given the presence of Bain at the same hit) and survives a second hit set up by his contact. This really peeves him off. He’s like “now even more money” and sets it up to be an exchange at the very Puerto Rican bank where he killed his mentor. Bain is sent to kill Stallone, but ultimately Stallone sets a trap and after a battle he wins. But wait, a twist! His mentor didn’t die after all! He was wearing a bulletproof vest when Stallone shot him! (What a twist!). He means to kill Stallone and Bain, but before he does they both shoot him for real this time. Then Bain tries to cross Stallone, but he’s like “nope” and kills him too. Victorious, Stallone and Electra smooch hard (probably, we don’t see that part). THE END.
This movie is dumb as rocks. Not to get too deep in the Banderas mythology, but it does feel like a precursor to Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. Exchange all sense of reality for total assassin nonsense. We have assassins rankings like it’s the tennis tour or something and Bain wants to take the top spot. What? Stallone is the best of all time and yet somehow his mentor wears a bulletproof vest and is able to survive a hit… didn’t want to double check that guy? But Megadumb also does often mean Megafun and there is quite a bit of fun to be had here. Basically none of it involves Stallone, who is full on in his Get Carter mumbly sad phase at this point. Sure the man has some muscles, but he also has a heart and it’s just not in killing people any more. Enough! You are an assassin. I want full on Banderas gif mode here. Banderas tears the scenery apart and it makes the movie. Thank god he was there or it would have been a tragedy.
Hot Take Clam Bake! Stallone simply is not the best assassin in the world. Just cannot be. First of all he doesn’t like doing it and as we all know, to be the best you gotta love it. You aren’t going to take the NBA by storm if you don’t have that fire. Stallone doesn’t anymore and would have been supplanted well before Bain showed up. Second, he let his mentor live. You shot him in the chest from a distance and just walked away? Didn’t care to shoot him in the head like the real top hitman would have? This is a dude who taught you everything. One of the best. Don’t want to maybe hang around and see the body? Just gonna presume he died and then be real sad about it for years? What is this amateur hour? Hot Take Temperature: Puerto Rico.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me looking at a computer with Assassins playing and then turning and biting my fist in pure satisfaction* Let’s go!
My god, there is nothing like a Stallone film for BMT. They are always so silly and hilarious. It really is too bad we are almost done with them. Like … I’m not joking. By early 2025 we’ll have watched 25 of his films and we’ll only have Ratchet & Clank left. There will be a Stallone Day in 2026 so I guess we’ll be watching Ratchet & Clank then … hopefully A Working Man will be out and terrible by then.
As Jamie said we have a weirdly long and stories history with this film. It was the film I wished we could have watched with out brothers. And then for years I never bothered by always kind of imagined what it must be about. The actual film is a lot different than I thought. I figured it was just two assassins sent after each other to kill each other and super action packed. It is definitely not the second.
The good? I like understated Sly, and Banderas is on one in this. Actually, you have to make up a new word to describe what he is in this film. It goes well beyond just being “on one”. It is hilarious, a bizarre, and crazy, and honestly I loved the performance even if I know it is actually like … bad acting. So the acting is the fun bit of the film for the most part.
The bad? Well, the story is nonsense. And the choice in directing is just on the wrong side of weird. Like it is weird to have the big climax set piece being Sly boring Antonio Banderes to death by just waiting around for hours and hours and hours doing nothing and trying to get him to fall asleep. That’s a nuts choice.
Luckily the whole film is saved by Banderas. The gif of him biting his fist and looking delightedly from his computer screen will live on in BMT lore. It might be the first film to make the BMT Hall of Fame on the power of a gif alone.
Oh didn’t I mention Julianne Moore … huh, yeah her bit was weird. What was this movie about again? Like a hacker hacked some stuff and then a bad guy sent some assassins after her and … the hacker thing was for money or something. I legit can’t remember. It genuinely is not at all important.
I do love the Setting as a Character (Where?) for the climax which takes place in the very distinct Old Town of Puerto Rico. And there is a genuine MacGuffin (Why?) for the hacker hard drive that everyone wants to get their hands on. And a definite Worst Twist (How?) for the reveal that the guy Sly killed years ago never died and he was actually playing a 15 year long long con to get back and him or something. BMT through and through, but only because of Banderas, I’m going to make a Banderas Cut of this film which is just the Banderas scenes.
Learn all about famous Assassins I assume in the Quiz. Cheerios,
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