Jamie
The Three Musketeers was my personal favorite of the picks for this Now a Major Motion Picture cycle. There are three keys to getting a perfect Now a Major Motion Picture media tie-in edition of a book. First, it has to say something like “Now a Major Motion Picture” on the front cover. Second, it has to have a picture of the actors on the cover (or at the very least a version of the poster for the film). Third, and potentially most important, it has to have the credits for the film on the back cover. If you get those three things you have a perfect media tie-in. The Three Musketeers had all three of these (so as I read I could gander at Keifer Sutherland’s beautiful face) while also being the unabridged version of a classic. A classic from which the adaptation depicted on the cover deviates significantly. My short review of the book: it’s fun! Like an old school adventure novel. Has the feel of almost improvisation at times which is probably because, like the Bad Movie Twins story, it was being written as a serial. Really fun.
To recap, our boy D’Artagnan is heading on to grand Paris to join up with the Musketeers. Unbeknownst to him Cardinal Richelieu has used his influence over the young King Louis XIII to disband the Musketeers… all but three (but which three, I wonder). Arriving in Paris he immediately gets into it with Athos, Porthos and Aramis and finds himself in a duel with them. This is rudely interrupted by the Cardinal’s guards and D’Artagnan acquits himself quite well dueling them. Unfortunately he is captured as more guards arrive. After escaping his cell, D’Artagnan overhears a plan by the Cardinal to form a treaty with the Duke of Buckingham with the ultimate goal to supplant the King. After being sentenced to death, D’Artagnan is rescued by the Three Musketeers, who boldly ride off in a big ol’ action set piece. They agree that they should intercept the treaty and save the day. When they are attacked by the Cardinal’s forces, the gang splits up and eventually D’Artagnan falls into the clutches of Milady. Bum bum bum. He is smitten because she is so beautiful and evil. Eventually the Three Musketeers capture her and the treaty and she reveals the Cardinal’s plot to assassinate the King before throwing herself from a cliff. Athos is devastated because she was so beautiful and evil. They all rally the Musketeers across the land and arrive at the King’s birthday celebration just in time to interrupt the assassination. They fight a whole bunch. They kill people left and right and are almost killed themselves. Eventually they win and D’Artagnan becomes a Musketeer and wins the heart of his beautiful and good lady love. THE END.
I can’t change who I am. This movie is fun and all them critics are a bunch of Debby Downers wanting us to watch The Remains of the Day or whatever. “Why do we need another Three Musketeers adaptation?” they cry. I’ll tell you why. Fun. The book is a gosh darn adventure classic and you’re like, ‘nah’? Get out of here with that. Now, is this a perfect movie? Alas, no. The cadre of actors they got for these parts are not exactly suited to the King’s English. The lines flow like molasses as they work their way through them. Rebecca De Morney has been good in some things (Never Talk to Strangers, anyone?). This is not one of them. Kill two birds with one stone and update the language, my guys. Then you’d have an answer for the reason the adaptation exists (besides being fun). You make it cool because the book is cool and it deserved a cool 90’s blockbuster adaptation. Anyway, I’ll leave you with this little hot take: I think Chris O’Donnell is actually very well cast in this. In fact the casting is great. It’s just that they didn’t do anyone any favors by trying to make they speak all old fashioned.
Patrick?
Patrick
‘Ello everyone! *gif of me swashbuckling around and wenching haaaaard* let’s go!
The Good? C’mon now, that cast! How did this movie claim a $30 million budget and that cast! The downside is Platt and Curry appear to be the only ones who know what movie they are in. The upside being Oliver Platt! Just wall the wall clowning around. This walked so Marvel could run. Sutherland appears to think he’s in a deathly serious adaptation of a classic piece of literature. Platt knows he’s doing a bit of buffoonery. The movie is just fun. It is genuinely like Pirate of the Caribbean. It seems it just took a while for the critics to get on the same wavelength.
The Bad? I guess, some might call the accent work non-existent because it is, and thus as an adaptation of one of our great works of literature it is an abomination. I would not be that person. I would be a person who would say Tim Curry, love the guy, but hooooo boy, it is maybe just a little too over the top for me. And De Mornay is something of a charisma black hole (although something tells me they hired her as Milady for a different reason…). This is tough because I liked the film, but I do see why in the early ‘90s critics would be like, “No no no! This is not how it is done!”
The BMT? In previous years there were basically two axes on which to judge BMT. Horribleness and Ridiculousness. A ridiculous movie would be something like Battlefield Earth. And a horrible movie would be something like Gods and Generals. Now Gods and Generals isn’t really considered BMT, it is considered Bad. So what is the equivalent for Good? Well, that’s the new category: gifability. This film is good, but it is also amazingly gifable at the same time. Porthos in particular is a gif machine. It is something you have to see to believe.
Rewatchable? For what’s aged the best I think just letting the actors use their own accents is an underrated choice. It is something maybe people should consider revisiting. It probably makes making the movie cheaper as well. Let Kiefer Kiefer, you know? The heat check in the movie I think is Julie Delphy, it is a bit jarring to realize she’s in it. The “that guy” award goes to Michael Wincott who has been in several BMT and BMT adjacent films from that era, like 1492, The Crow, and Along Came a Spider. And finally obviously Tim Curry gets the overacting award.
Amazingly we do not get a Planchet award. The character doesn’t even appear. I think he was replaced by the rando who keeps trying to duel D’Artagnan and mostly just looks pale and laughs dumbly at him before being embarrassed. Setting as a Character (Where?) sure, for Paris. And I guess for the time we have a Secret Holiday Film (When?) for the king’s birthday which, at least in England, would certainly be considered a holiday. But that is it. The film is Good and I’ll duel anyone who dares suggest otherwise.
Cheers,
The Sklogs
Bad Movie Twins 