Fantastic Four Recap

Jamie

I’ll start this one off with a little anecdote about watching this film. We had been yanked around by Hollywood regarding Fantastic Four’s release date. It’s a byproduct of the multiple ways that a film can be bought or rented these days. You now have to navigate the streaming purchase, streaming rental, iTunes, RedBox, Netflix, etc. release dates to try to figure when a film is actually available for viewing. Initially when me and Patrick put the film on our viewing schedule it was done inadvertently using the streaming purchase release date. BMT don’t play like that. We watch in the theater or we rent it. There is no in between. If we bought this film I would constantly be sadly reminded of purchasing it whenever I ventured into my Amazon library. So we waited and waited and finally took a risk and put it on the docket for a couple weeks ago hoping against hope that it would come out for rental before I would be forced to hold my nose and buy the damn thing. Then, against all odds, it came out for rental on the day that I ended up watching it! It was a Christmas miracle! If I had tried watching it the night before I would have had to buy it. Instead, for a paltry $4 I got to get my fill of the Fantastic Four. And oh what a fantastic ride it was.

Me and Patrick actually disagreed a bit on the film, but not enough to warrant much note. I thought it was terrible… just maybe not quite as terrible as Patrick did.

Alright, now for the game. I think this week I’ll do a little Sklogification of the film. My biggest issue with the film is that the main plot point (them becoming the Fantastic Four) is rooted in them being giant idiots and somewhat morally bankrupt. Basically they build this machine to transport people to an alternate universe. When told that they are not in fact going to travel to the planet that they discovered (why would they?… they are nerd alerts), they get all huffy and feel betrayed that they won’t attain the fame and fortune that comes with being the intrepid explorers of the new planet. So what do they do? They stupidly go without help or supervision and get all fucked up, they start working for the military, and hate their lives and each other (until a super rushed ending that turns that all around). Why have the entire group be so depressing and unlikable? Why have them so obsessed and focused on fame and fortune? The simple change I would make is that after the team develops the machine, the Army (headed by a guy that wants only to shut the expensive program down) dismisses it as a failure and too risky to send people for exploration (perhaps an initial animal test failed or something). Instead of letting the experiment be a failure the Fantastic Four volunteer to go instead of Army personnel. Fine. Your funerals. While the experiment is a success something goes wrong during their return trip and the Army is shocked to find that they have become the very super soldiers they had always hoped to create (and the machine has, of course, been destroyed). So they are now inexorably tied to these four scientists (instead of four soldiers of their choosing) as they represent the best weapons the world has ever seen. When they try to use the Fantastic Four for their own means they find they are unyielding in their morals and won’t play ball. Frustrated the Army goes behind their backs to team up with Dr. Doom to try to get back to the planet only to unleash terror on the Earth when Dr. Doom uses it to turn into an evil super soldier himself. Now they must turn back to the Fantastic Four to defeat Dr. Doom before it’s too late.

The above synopsis for the film solves a lot of the problems I had with the film. Mostly the Fantastic Four just weren’t likable in almost every way. They were morally bankrupt and sad. Just make them better people. Patrick?

Patrick

‘Ello everyone. Back in America again, this time watching Fantastic Four … more like Atrocious Bore, am I right? This movie is straight up nonsense. No joke. Let’s get into it.

  • First, not buying the camaraderie of the team. Teller always seems like an outsider, and kind of a douche. There is little throughout that convinces me that these guys are best buds, and that’s a problem.
  • Second, the action scenes are hot garbage straight up. None of them are good. Did I mention that the acting throughout it terrible? Oh I did … it is.
  • Third, the finale is just five people on a green screen punching each other like idiots. And Teller phones in the entire second half of the film, it is bizarre. How is this cast so good and yet the acting so bad?
  • And finally, Mr. Fantastic is literally the worst. I dare Marvel to make a Elastic-man type character work. He looks so dumb. It is the worst … if the acting wasn’t terrible. The acting is actually the worst part of the movie.

The entire thing is shockingly bad. I was legit expecting to like this one. I usually like “fun” popcorn films if I go in expecting nothing. This is the second movie where lowered expectations failed miserably. The other? Transformers 4. I can’t actually lower my expectations far enough to make these films tolerable. I’m not sure it is the worst film of the year (or worst writing, or acting), but I’m tempted to call this the worst directed. Then again, apparently the producers had their fingers all up in the pie for Fantastic Four. What is a boy to do? By the way, Razzie noms coming soon, get hyped.

Cheerios,

The Sklogs

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