Conan the Destroyer Recap


‘Ello everyone. Conan the Destroyer? More like Phoned-In Performer (whatever that means, weak. Wizzeak. I am unhappy with my performance, for it was I who was the phoned-in performer). This week I spent my time (!) assembling a rudimentary website. Why? Posterity. Pure and simple, I want our legacy to ring from mountain top to mountain top for the centuries to come. The lack of recognition now will surely translated into

The Good – Not nearly as bad as people made it out to be. Arnold was solid. The story was fun in that kind of Krull or Willow kind of way. It by no means diminished the accomplishment that was the first film. I am genuinely surprised at the vitriol directed towards this movie.

The Bad – The effects were Krull-level laughable. The story gets seriously lost between acts two and three, both Jamie and I had no idea what was happening at one point. Complete misfire from a humor perspective, especially Malak the inept sidekick (whose sidekickness rivals Hall of Fame sidekicks like Todd Maniac Marshall from Wing Commander).

The BMT – Naw. I don’t think so. It was an okay movie. Silly, sure. It is like Willow. In retrospect the movie seems very crazy and silly. But that doesn’t make it bad. In fact that ambition in making both of the Conan movies is impressive.

Game. Let’s do a remake. Basically, Conan the Conqueror should have been the second film in the franchise. Conan earning his kingdom. Now old Conan, having accomplished his goals, looks back towards his love he wished to have sitting beside him as his queen. And he goes on one last adventure. An adventure to face death and either rejoin his love by the side of Krom, or to bring her back from Death’s clutches to reign beside him on Earth. The Conan the Barbarian, Conqueror, Destroyer trilogy can then be complete. It’s bringing a tear to my eye I tells yah.


Let’s start with a simple statement: I looooovvvveeeeeddddd Conan the Barbarian. It spoke to me. It spoke to me in a similar way that The Thing and The Warriors spoke to me. It was nearly perfect and even makes me a little upset that they remade it a few years back. This is not the type of film you remake. It’s the type of film you make an unwanted sequel or prequel to (like 2011’s The Thing). You can’t remake perfection.

As for my game, I didn’t have the DVD for this one, so couldn’t scoop out a MonoSklog (if there was one… I can’t remember). Instead I’ll use my BMTsolution as my game. For those that don’t know, my BMTsolution this year is to read the source material for any and all BMT films. For Conan the Destroyer, I simply read a couple Conan stories in prep. They seem to have done a pretty good job adapting the character. Generally he seems to be a thief/adventurer who has a preternatural fighter’s instinct. In the stories I read, Conan was already King of Aquilonia and was defending his throne or going off to perform heroic feats. They mention that his people (the Cimmerians) are known to be without humor or the ability to hold their liquor. Conan has both, but to a modest extent. He is also very sharp-witted. Overall, I think this came through pretty accurately. His backstory is kinda screwed up in the first one, but whatever. As Patrick mentioned, the most disappointing thing is that they never adapted his ascension to the throne into a film. Conan the Conqueror was abandoned after Conan the Destroyer. I want to see him take the throne from some assholes, damn it!

Make sure to check out the preview for the next film in the cycle, Steel starring Shaq.

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