I’d like the record to show that I actually didn’t mind Gods of Egypt all that much. It was at times beautiful (albeit inconsistently so) and played a bit like Thor (patently ridididiculous, but still fun). So in the end I was actually surprised that this landed at 16% on RT. I guess perceived/actual racism can go a long way. Let’s get into it.
What?! It’s been years since Set took the throne of Egypt from Horus and left him blind and powerless. A mortal thief, Bek, steals and returns Horus’ eye (the source of his power) in the hopes that Horus can bring order (and the woman he loves) back to Egypt. They must work together to defeat Set before he destroys both the world and the afterlife in his own vain pursuit of immortality. Gods of Egypt!
Why?! The main driving force in the film is the aim to take down Set and return Horus to the throne. Even before we learn that Set is aiming to destroy the world and obtain immortality, we know that Horus, Bek, and his lady love Zaya want to take that power from him for totally different reasons. We have Zaya who worships Horus and wants him to bring order back to Egypt, we have Bek who needs Horus to bring Zaya back to life (she died, duh), and we have Horus who really doesn’t give a shit about Bek and is more focused on his own sweet tale of vengeance. Interestingly, this whole triangle of motivation is very similar to the motivations in Ride Along… It’s basically just Ride Along in Egypt… Now I’m having fun imagining this film starring Kevin Hart instead of [Insert Anonymous Actor’s name here].
How?! The original plan is that Horus is going to squelch the source of Set’s power, the desert fire, to leave him weak and vulnerable. Then he’ll have a chance to defeat him since he only has one eye. They first go on a quest to get some of the heaven’s water to squelch the fire, then they need to find Thoth to solve the riddle of the Sphinx who guards the fire, but they are stopped before they get a chance to destroy Set. When all seems lost and the world is being eaten by a giant space demon (seriously), Horus learns that all he ever had to do to defeat Set was to believe in himself a whole bunch and everything was cool (it’s like a children’s movie). Unfortunately none of this actually makes it possible for Horus to bring Zaya back from the dead… psych! Ra totally comes down from his spaceship and is like “No probs, bro,” and everyone is alive again at the end. It may be the truest example of Deus Ex Machina in cinematic history. Literally God comes down from the heavens and fixes everything. Hoo wee, what a weird plot.
Who?! I wanted this part to be highlighting the “Planchet” of the film, however so many of these films don’t have a shred of humor in them. Sure there are quips between Bek and Horus, but it’s on a Hitman: Agent 47 level of laziness. Instead I’ll just highlight that this marked the return of Rufus Sewell to our BMT lives (seen first in Bless the Child). Hopefully we can complete the Sewell trilogy with the XxX precursor Extreme Ops, which looks aaammaaaazzzzziiinnnggggg.
Where?! Boom. A+ in the hizzouse. Set in Egypt as the title informs you. Although, you would have thought it was set in Europe given the cast and accents. Zing!
When?! Uh…. ancient? It’s… uh… ancient times. D.
If that didn’t get you excited for the film then… you probably won’t like it because it’s just as ridiculous as I described.
‘Ello everyone! Gods of Egypt? More like God I Feel Ripped Off (I was going to say gypped, but that is racist. The more you know). This was one of the most anticipated movies of the year for us, so I went in with a bunch of expectations. Let’s go!
- The Good – I liked the world building. It was interesting and the script was able to be a lot tighter than you would think given the subject matter. I hate the “this should have been a Game of Thrones like show, not a movie” nonsense, you could say that about almost anything. But this could have probably sustained itself as such a thing, and I would have been thoroughly entertained. It’s not that bad … because “that bad” for this movie is literally the worst film of the year. It isn’t the worst film of the year which is actually an achievement.
- The Bad – The acting. The CGI was pretty atrocious. Actually, the movie itself is beautiful, no joke. But a bunch of scenes are really just terrible. I would say that while he gives it his all, having Gerard Butler in the film hurts it because it ends up too over the top. They should have stuck to totally television actors and gone from there, I think it would have ended up being a bit better.
- The BMT – Yes. I would say 40 is just about appropriate for the film. Definitive, top 10 (maybe 5) for a year. But not the worst by any stretch. To kick it up a notch it either would have had to make literally no sense (it was shockingly coherent as I said) or just looked like a complete pile of shit throughout. But it didn’t. Part of me is impressed it managed to charm me at all, I’m down for a sequel to be honest.
Boom. Speaking of which let’s do a little Sequel Prequel Remake and rock a sequel. I think you fast forward a bunch of years and Horus is killing it as the main god. He rules a prosperous Egypt and the people love him. But alas, all good things come to an end. Ra is set to perish (they make it clear gods merely age slowly and aren’t in fact immortal in this world), and he reveals that Horus as the ruler of Egypt must lay down his mantle and take the throne. Refusing, Horus goes in search of a mythical weapon to forever strike down Apophis that would allow him to remain in Egypt after Ra’s passing. Meanwhile, Set, escaping death and returning to an Egypt missing its king, attempts a takeover of the kingdom. In the end, Horus battles Set yet again, and ultimately strikes a deal: Set can remain in the land of the living on Ra’s ship to battle Apophis, a beast which it turns out is vital to Egypt’s continued existence as well. … Confused? Me too.