Smaddies Baddies IV

It has become an annual tradition. On the anniversary of the start of Bad Movie Thursday we take a look back at the year in review. With a name that’s just as bad as the films it honors it is ….

Smaddies Baddies! Smaddies Baddies! Ah what a year. We saw Shaq pretend to act, and read some terrible books, we started the BMT Calendar, and took the time machine to 30 years ago to see what was cracking on the bad movie scene during the Sklogs’ birth year, and no year would be complete without watching the worst of the worst (some in theaters in our new and improved BMT Live! system). Remember, any film we watched in 2016 qualifies. Smaddies Baddies, what films to we want to bestow the highest honor in all of Hollywood (er … Minnesota and London as least)?

As usual let’s start with the sci-tech awards of the BMT world: the special awards. New and improved with a 6W’s theme. Let’s go!

The Battlefield Earth Most Ludicrous Plot Baddie (What?!) goes to: The Avengers. It’s about Sean Connery blackmailing the world with a weather machine while dressed as a giant bear and riding around in a hot air balloon. The entire film is trash… and we loved it.

The Street Fighter Legend of Chun Li McGuffin Baddie (Why?!) goes to: Shanghai Surprise in which Sean Penn and Madonna spend the entire movie looking for “Faraday’s Flowers” which they think is opium, but then turns out to be a bunch of jewels… but they somehow still end up finding a bunch of opium.. It’s a very confusing McGuffin.

The 88 Minutes Worst Twist Baddie (How?!) goes to: Basic Instinct 2. If you don’t remember the entire film is about Sharon Stone probably (possibly, maybe) committing a series of murders… in the end it’s revealed that the psychiatrist (and hero?) was in fact insane and committed the murders… that he was helping investigate… but he was insane. Jesus.

The He Just Wants To Go To Fashion Week! Best Planchet Baddie (Who?!) goes to London Has Fallen where Gerard Butler get a bestie, SAS Lieutenant played by Bryan Larkin. He doesn’t even have a name! He’s in like thirty minutes of the film! He basically saves the President’s life at the end and he doesn’t even have a name! He’s just called SAS Lieutenant!

The I Know Who Killed Me Best Twins Ever Baddie (also Who?!, a tie!) goes to The Forest which starred a person playing a set of identical, and arguably stigmata, twins. We love twin films (obviously) and this one is probably the most satisfying since Lindsay Lohan got a robot arm and leg.

The When in Rome Location as a Character Baddie (Where?!) goes to London Has Fallen. It’s got it all: the name of the location is in the title, and that location plays a huge and indispensable role in the film … yeah, that really is all it takes. It literally has it all.

The Cobra Memorial Secret Holiday Film Baddie (When?!) goes to Get Carter. Sly Must love Christmas because for almost no reason this film is set during Christmas. I would give a strong runner up to Cheaper by the Dozen 2 whose finale takes place during the rarely represented holiday of Labor Day.

Phew. Now onto the big awards, no officially based on The Good, The Bad and The BMT. And without further ado:

The Freddy Got Fingered Surprisingly Good Baddie (The Good) Nominees: No Mercy, Taxi, On Deadly Ground, Harlem Nights, Conan the Destroyer.

And the Winner is: No Mercy. No Mercy was a genuinely fun movie starring a gritty Richard Gere and Kim Basinger doing a subtle (!) Cajun accent. Quite fun. Would recommend.

The Strange Wilderness Unpleasantly Terrible Baddie (The Bad) Nominees: Pinocchio, Under the Cherry Moon, The Chamber, Basic Instinct 2, The Fog.

And the Winner is: The Fog. With a surprisingly good predecessor the remake manages to shit all over that completely. The highlight of the recap: “It wasn’t even so ridiculous you laugh at it, you stare at it in confusion and disgust. Blah.” Blah indeed.

The Here on Earth Most BMT Baddie (The BMT) Nominees: White Chicks, Mechanic: Resurrection, Can’t Stop the Music, Get Carter, The Avengers.

And the Winner is: White Chicks. The look like monsters! It will be the enduring chant whenever bad makeup makes it into BMT. They look like monsters. They trick people who know who the people they are impersonating are … and they look like monsters. Incredible. I almost want to watch it again right now!

The Jack and Jill Worst of 2016 Baddie (BMT Live!) Nominees: Zoolander 2, Mechanic Resurrection, London Has Fallen, The Forest.

And the overwhelming Winner is: Mechanic: Resurrection. I watched this film in a desolate theater and watched in shock horror at the terrible CGI, the ludicrous plot, and Tommy Lee Jones playing a gun runner with a heart of gold. The predecessor wasn’t even that good (although the original was pretty solid) and yet it looks like The Godfather compared to this pile of garbage.

Smaddies Baddies, Smaddies Baddies. I love it when a wide array of films gets recognized. As usual, for those of you who fell asleep for the announcements: Watch White Chicks, No Mercy, and The Avengers. Skip Mechanic Resurrection, The Fog, and The Forest. They look like monsters!

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