Ugh, high school can suck, aaaaaaaayooooooo! Welcome to the Academy … Patrick’s Academy of Hard-Knocks! Climb into the hurt locker, for I am your quizmaster, ready to ruin your GPA with a pop quiz!
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) During the course of the film, in an attempt to rattle Vasilisa, an unknown antagonist kills two animals and places them among Vasilisa’s things. What two animals were killed?
2) On the other hand, in a flashback the now absent Ms. Karp sees Vasilisa heal what animal shortly after it dies? And Karp is all like “say whaaaaaaat?!”
3) What is the name of the saint that also specialized in the super secret Spirit power that Vasilisa is able to control?
4) Time to open your notebooks you nerd-alerts, what does “shadow-kissed” mean? Rose is super shadow-kissed.
5) Vasilisa is getting hot and heavy with Christian Ozera an outcast at school which Rose does not like very much. Why does everyone dislike Christian (except Vasilisa … remember, they are getting super hot and heavy over here)?
1) First, a fox was killed and left hanging outside of Vasilisa’s dormitory. Second, Vasilisa’s cat is killed and left in a school courtyard. This is a very strange and kind of pointless storyline, unlike the rest of this well-written tight script … yeah, nevermind, the whole thing is a mess.
2) A raven hits a statue and breaks its neck. Vasilisa is then able to use her super secret vampire healing power to bring it back to life, hooray!
3) Saint Vladimir, who’s name is that of the academy. He basically was healing left and right back in the day. It wasn’t no joke … that is a real miracle and certainly any vampire who could do that would be sainted right?
4) It means you died (like for realsies) and then were healed by a spirit vampire. It forms a bond between the vampire and whatever was brought back to life which basically results in telepathic communication and other fancy abilities that, honestly, look like complete garbage when put to film.
5) His parents turned Strigoi, which is like bad vampires, not like the good vampires which are called Moroi. And that is basically the most uncool thing that could happen to you at this high school. Like, jeez mom and dad, you could have not killed a bunch of people in order to live forever and have super strength. At least wait until I go to … Vampire University or whatever.
Now that I’ve pummelled you into submission in my hurt locker, how do you feel? Did you, like Jamie, find the reward of knowing you were pushed to the brink but gloriously came out on top? Or did you wilt under the pressure and fail out of Patrick’s Academy of Hard-Knocks? Are you wondering what any of this has to do with Vampire Academy? See, that’s why you failed out of the Patrick’s Academy of Hard-Knocks.