Before Independence Day and Godzilla and 2012, Roland Emmerich brought together two of the greatest bods of our generation: Van Damme v. Lundgren. Question is whether you were too distracted by Van Damme’s buns to remember anything about the story.
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning of the film we see the Universal Soldiers take down some nasty terrorists at the Hoover Dam. What did the terrorists want though?
2) After a mission the Universal Soldiers do two important things in order to keep themselves in fighting shape. What are they?
3) During the course of what it effectively a road trip film our heros stop at four locations: A motel, a gas station, a diner, and Jerry Orbach’s house in Utah. Why did they stop at all of these locations?
4) Eventually Johnny Law catches up to our heroes and arrests them. What were they actually wanted for though? What was their crime?
5) Where does Van Damme’s parents live?
1) Tough one, kind of relies on you thinking it was weird. But what they wanted was their “comrades” released from various prisons across the US. So clearly a commie thing, perfect for the 80s … wait, this film was made in ‘92?!
2) They go into a freezing chamber to heal. And they apply a memory erasing serum to prevent them from recalling information from their past life or past missions. I will not count muscle enhancing serum, because only Lundgren uses that after he goes rogue.
3) As for the motel Van Damme was overheating after running at 30 mph for an extended period of time. The gas station was where they dug out the homing device from Van Damme’s buns. The diner was where Van Damme ate a bunch of food they couldn’t afford and beat up a bunch of civilians (fine, I think at the point Veronica needed to make a phone call at a nearby pay phone or something). And Jerry Orbach was the doctor for the Universal Soldier program and taught Van Damme everything he needed to know about it.
4) Muuuuurder. Specifically the general who oversaw operations was murdered by Lundgren at the gas station after his friends are blown up and the mission cancelled. Veronica is wanted for questioning for that and also the death of her cameraman friend in the beginning, and unfortunately she’s the only “living” person left from the whole sordid affair.
5) Louisiana obviously. Otherwise how would they ever explain the logic behind Van Damme being an American (who bleeds red, white, and blue) with a thick French accent.
So which were you? Van Damme doing spinning karate kicks right to Lundgren’s face, getting them all right? Or did you fall into a thrasher like a goober?