Universal Soldier: The Return Quiz

Woooooooowheeeeee. If you’re like me and just watched four Universal Soldier films in 48 hours you’re probably a bit loopy. Why buckle up then, let’s test your knowledge.

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

1) The universal soldier program has zombie soldiers who come back to life … oh, yeah and now for some reason a supercomputer that runs the whole thing called SETH. Why does SETH (inevitably) go insane?

2) Next SETH contacts the l33t h4x0r Squid to get him a body. Why does Squid want to help SETH?

3) What is SETH’s goal at this point? What is he trying to do inside the research facility? HINT: It is the most vague nonsense possible.

4) At this point the army kind of looks like goobers. But they decide to send in the Unisol OG Van Damme one last time. What’s the plan?

5) There is then an extended period of, oh, like 30 minutes where nothing much happens. I mean, action scenes happen, but the only real thing of consequence that happens is SETH kidnaps Van Damme’s daughter. So now you know he has to die. How does SETH die?

BONUS QUESTION: Why did mommy have to die?

Answers

1) Because like HAL in 2001 (another classic film) it reads the lips of the general and figures out they are going to shut him down. And SETH can’t let that happen!

2) Because Squid helped to invent SETH, but Unisol didn’t agree with his “vision” and fired him. The fools!

3) He has to “break the code.” Maybe I missed it, but I couldn’t figure out what this means, but I think when the shutdown was triggered it will go into effect in 8 hours unless a code is entered. SETH isn’t designed to crack the code, but is potentially evolving to do just that. And if he cracks the code? Then nothing will stop him! Oh no!

4) They send him in to blow the generators. You see, they thought they needed to get SETH disconnected from a power source. Turns out … not really the case. Stopping him from breaking “the code” seems to be the only hope. This movie man … I’m telling you, the writing is something else.

5) You best remember this. After a ridiculous fight scene Van Damme looks to be beaten. He’s shot SETH a few times and SETH knows he has him right where he wants him. But aha! Van Damme shoots a cryo-freezing chamber, SETH is frozen, and Van Damme does a spin kick to literally shatter him! Read that again. Van Damme does a spin kick to literally shatter him!!!

BONUS ANSWER: I don’t know, but it must all be part of God’s plan.

There you have it. Have you gone insane yet? Have you transcended your body and know more about deprecated Universal Soldier movies than anyone else in the world? Like for reals though … Universal Soldier 2, 3, AND 4 are all non-canon. Why am I watching these things?!

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