Like a precog from Minority Report this film makes you feel like you took a bunch of drugs and can see into the future … and that future just might involved Smaddies Baddies awards and the Hall of Fame. Can you understand anything from this film?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Wait, I thought they won the tournament and saved Earth for a generation. What is the Bad Guy even talking about?
2) But how would the Elder Gods let this happen?!
3) After Johnny Cage get killed like an idiot our heroes, Raiden, Lui Kang, Sonya Blade, and Kitana decide they have to split up. Where do all of them go and why?
4) What is the lame ass reason the Elder Gods are letting this happen?
5) Oh God can you even piece together the good and bad guys’ plans at this point? My head hurts.
1) Yeah, Outworld is filled with sore losers it looks like. The Outworld Trashpeople (again, that is their team name, I heard it one time, I swear) want a rematch, but this time rulez are not coolz and they are just going to come and take Earth.
2) Raiden doesn’t know … but we soon find out that the Bad Guy and Papa Bad Guy haven’t told the Elder Gods about this gambit yet. They are just kind of hoping these Gods just sit around and don’t notice things for six days. By that time they’ll have so much powah that it won’t mattah. Bureaucracy’s a bitch amirite?
3) Lui Kang and Kitana are to meet with Nightwolf who is going to … uh, teach Lui something to help him fight the baddies I think? On the way Kitana is kidnapped by Scorpion and brought to the Bad Guy (and then disappears from the movie. The new Sub-Zero does too). Sonya needs to go get Jaxx for reasons … he has metal arms or whatever, so that’s nice. And Raiden is off to the super secret Elder Gods temple to ask them “Hey, what the F is up dudes?”
4) God damn this film. They are just like “yeah, he opened some portals … I guess it’s up to you to close them again? Tough.” What the hell? What is the point of Mortal Kombat rulez if people just just declare them not coolz and abolish them. This tournament is horseshit.
5) The good guys’ plan is to combine Kitana with her mother to close the portals because Raiden thinks this should work. When everyone regroups at the Elder Gods temple the Bad Guy’s army is there, so they go through a portal and the baddies are like “nailed it, totes got’em.” They go somewhere else and Kitana’s mother is there, but Raiden defeats her. Then they all go to the baddies lair to perform the combination ceremony. Whoops! That actually is what the baddies wanted because … again reasons, it did absolutely nothing except maybe distract them and make them figure out that Raiden’s daddio is involved, who is himself an Elder God. Finally they go and have one last battle while the Elder Gods look on which ends up actually being the only thing they needed to do … kill me now, I bet like 50% of that is wrong.
This film struggles and dies in front of you crying out for someone to put it out of its misery. Finish him! So did you figure it out? Did you crack the code? Did you, against all odds, get it all right?