Oh man, the last thing I remember was being legendary literary badass D’Artagnan. I was really just dunking on the Cardinal’s men (it was frankly an embarrassment), but then I think Porthos bopped me on the head because I don’t remember anything else … do you remember what happened in The Musketeer?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) We open the film with a young D’Artagnan and his family enjoying a meal. But then here comes mean, old Febre. Long story short, D’Artagnan’s family is killed, D’Artagnan slices up Fabre’s eyeball, and Planchet comes to take care of the boy. But why did Febre and D’Artagnan’s father get into a fight?
2) Oh my, how you have grown D’Artagnan! Now a dashing young medical doctor at Seattle Grace Hospital swordsman, he’s ready to get his revenge on the eeeeevil Febre. But first he must join the Musketeers, who have been disbanded and their leader, Treville imprisoned. How does D’Artagnan break into the prison to free Treville?
3) They know something is up because a Spanish ambassador is murdered on the way to gran Paris (by Febre, natch), so the Musketeers figure something is about to go down like Charlie Brown at the big bash at the palace. What was going down, and how do the king, queen, and British Lord Buckingham escape?
4) And now for one more grand plan to rule them all, D’Artagnan and his sweet parkour skillz are employed by the Queen to help her get where and to do what? This is much to the Musketeers’ chagrin as they could use D’Artagnan’s parkour skillz in their own plan.
5) Finally, all of The Musketeers go and rescue the Queen and Buckingham from Febre, hooray! But how do they know where to find them?
Answers
1) Well D’Artagnan’s father is a good retired-musketeer-turned-farmer and pays his taxes. Problem is, the Cardinal also wants some of that sweet tax monies. And Febre is going to get it, or kill D’Artagnan’s father trying. Yeah, he kills D’Artagnan’s father. Whoops.
2) He brings a big bomb right to the front door, and is all like “what some wine, bro?” and the guard is all like “uh … cha, of course we want some wine bro!” And then the prison blows up and Treville is freed, easy peasy.
3) The Cardinal’s sweet plan is to have a group of “peasants” (in actuality swordsmen employed by the Cardinal) attack the palace and kill Lord Buckingham, kicking off a European war that would allow him to wrest power from the weak King Louis XIV. Have no fear though, the Three Musketeers (and D’Artagnan) are here to bring everyone to safety via the sewer.
4) She is going to the north coast to meet up with Buckingham to smooth things over after the sewer fiasco where he was almost killed. Here’s the problem: Febre knows all about it, and kidnaps the Queen.
5) Aha! Un saboteur!!!! The Cardinal, realizing he has lost control of the insane Febre, tips D’Artagnan off, relying on D’Artagnan’s sweet parkour skillz to defeat Febre before France burns. D’Artagnan complies, but is all like “you bettah watch your back, Richelieu, for sure.” Get ready for The Musketeer 2: Cruise Control.
Ahhhhhh right, I was indeed legendary literary badass D’Artagnan and I just thoroughly embarrassed the Cardinal’s men. The end. Slayed the ladies as well, NBD.
Bad Movie Twins 