Oh boy. The last thing I remember I was spacewalking with my astronaut friend when a spooky alium popped out and bopped us both on the head. I don’t remember a thing (although I have the urge to design the ultimate space weapon … that’s strange). Do you remember what happened in The Astronaut’s Wife?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) Johnny Depp is a super sweet spacewalking astronaut with a super sweet wife. But uh oh! Something up in space has gone wrong! What were Johnny Depp and his astronaut friend up to when things went awry?
2) But phew, Depp is back on Earth and feeling fine. But his friend isn’t looking so hot. As a matter of fact, his friend soon dies during Depp’s farewell party! What did he die of (allegedly)?
3) Now in New York, Depp and Theron are living life and super wealthy. Where does Depp work and what is he making?
4) Meanwhile, now pregnant with twins, Theron starts to get veeeeeeery suspicious that Depp might just be an alium. At the same time a former NASA employee contacts her with evidence about just that. What does her suspicions and the employee’s evidence have to do with?
5) Finally, what happens to Theron at the end of the film that is sure to doom humanity to some future alium invasion?
Answers
1) They were fixing a satellite. Weirdly, they are just like … alone up there? That seems strange to me. Like, until recently we didn’t just send two people around in space did we? Isn’t it usually three so that someone can stay with the craft during just these types of missions? Whatever.
2) He died of a massive stroke. But his wife secretly knows it is because his body couldn’t handle the secret terrible alium messages he was getting sent directly to his brain.
3) He works at McClaren, an aeronautics firm in New York City. And he’s on a team designing the ultimate space weapon, a plane (with two pilots hmmmm …) that goes into low Earth orbit and deploys an EMP to knock out the electricity to whole swaths of Earth during warfare … or as a weapon against humanity itself?
4) It’s all about that music! She’s been hearing an eerie sound coming from the radio. The NASA employee became suspicious about Depp because all of his vital signs were just a liiiiittle bit off when he returned to Earth. And indeed, a sound, that same sound Theron is hearing, could be heard on the recording made during the space walk! Depp’s an alium!!!
5) Theron kills Depp using ‘tricity in her house. But as she does this the ‘tricity alium (not to be confused with the bad ‘tricity from The Darkest Hour) escapes from Depp and enters her instead. And now guess what? Theron is raising Satan’s child the alium’s child, and when they grow up they are going to fly that plane and kill us all! Probably, find out in The Astronaut’s Children.
Ah right, I’m an alium now dead set on destroying humanity. Well, that isn’t great, I hope I don’t have sweet half-alium babies to fly my evil war plane! Spoiler alert, I do.
Bad Movie Twins 