Oh boy, so last summer I was working on this tugboat when we went full “salvage operation” on an abandoned Russian research ship. It turns out though, this abandoned ship wasn’t really abandoned … more like infected. With aliums. Yeah. And one of them bopped me on the head, and now I don’t remember a thing. Do you remember what happened in Virus?
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
1) In the beginning of the film a Russian research vessel is chilling in the South Pacific. What is the purpose of the ship and what is it doing when it is infected with an electric alien lifeform?
2) Meanwhile, a tugboat is dragging some cargo through the Typhoon in the South Pacific. What are they tugging and why won’t the captain cut it loose to save their lives?
3) When they encounter the Russian research vessel Captain Everton gets miiiiiiiiiighty excited. How much do they think the salvage will be worth and what is their cut?
4) They eventually find a lone survivor on the ship and learn about what happened when the alien species infected the ship’s computer. What does the alien want with the humans and Earth in general?
5) In the end how to do they destroy the alium?
Bonus Question: Does Steve ever buy his island?
Answers
1) It’s purpose is to communicate with and collect data from Mir and other Russian satellites and space stations. And it is indeed, communicating with Mir and downloading its data when it instead downloads an alien virus! Ba ba baaaaaa!
2) They are tugging a cargo vessel, and Captain Everton is very much interested in getting it to port because he leveraged everything he owns to get the tug job and the cargo isn’t insured! What a moron.
3) They estimate the ship itself is going to be worth $300 million. They all get something like a 1-10% cut of the salvage, and so are looking at $3-30 million.
4) It basically considers humanity a virus (get it?) on Earth and thinks they are basically going to be spare parts as it grows and takes over. It wants nothing from them (beyond their parts) because it considers itself to be superior. Ruh-roh.
5) They sink the ship. But specifically, the weapons specialist who went a bit nuts rigged up the missile core with all the other ordinance available, and then attached it to the ejection seat mechanism with the missile’s jet engine. This way he would be able to jet away to safety while simultaneously blowing the ship the smithereens. Since the lifeform is electricity based it is assumed that the salt water will dissipate its energy and it would die. Virus 2: Cyberspace, the sequel I’m planning for Netflix, begs to differ.
Bonus Answer: No, but Kelly and him do go 50-50 on a sweet salvage operation that gets them a pretty penny over the years. While they couldn’t tell anyone about their close encounter, the connections they forged with the military and intelligence agencies ended up shuttling a bunch of top secret salvage work to their business and they became the de facto Pacific salvage crew for the next two decades. They married and retired to Catalina where Steve became a part time Scuba instructor and Kelly learned to paint. They have two dogs and still have jump scare nightmares about the friends they left behind. It’s sweet.
That was a parody New Yorker article I wrote as a mockumentary-like sequel to Virus. Not bragging or anything, but they wrote back saying they were considering it. “It” being a restraining order against me.
Bad Movie Twins 